Summarise a Novel in 25 Words

Lone wolf detective is turned on by scheming woman, helps her outwit queer, fatso and goon, then sends her to the chair anyway. Falcon worthless.

I don't want to work in advertising. I want to be a poet. No wait, actually I want pussy more. Okay, I'll work in advertising.

Do you sit or stand to piss, Beer, Burning Sheep

Vicar gains divine power, uncovers massive cover-up/conspiracy. Dies. Comes back. Discovers best mate is evil. Beats him up. Gets shot. Loses power. Finally happy.

The Lord of the Rings:

Loads of malarkey over a bit of bling.

The Black Dahlia (James Ellroy):

Cop is obsessed with dead girl. Alienates everyone, ruins life. Discovers gardener did it. No, boss did it! No, daughter did it!! Everyone did it!!!

Dead Air (Iain Banks):

9-11. Shock Jock annoys everyone on air. Sleeps with gangsters wife. Gets beaten up. The end.

Man: Hello. Come in to my small Parisian apartment overlooking the river.
Woman: I can't stay but a minute.
Man: Come closer...take off your corset.
Woman: You're pretty fresh, you are.
Man: A kiss!
Woman: Somebody might see!
Man: We can go somewhere private.
Woman: It's too far...my sister...
Man: Cognac?
Woman: I'm not thirsty.
Man: Stupid thing! My treasure!
Woman: You're tearing my chemise...oooh...
Man: I love you! Let's screw!
Woman: No! Oh, okay.

Later -
Man: (weeping)
Woman: What's your name again?

Meat. Meat. Eggs. Meat. Cheese. Meat. Meat. Fry-Up. Meat. Meat. Cheese. Cheese. Meat. Meat. Meat. Lard. Meat. Egg. Meat. Meat. Cheese. Meat. Meat. Meat. Meat.

I know it's not a novel, but I coudn't resist.

I had so much sex and drugs last night that now I’m depressed. Let’s go drive someplace. Whatever. Superficial is, like, SO my middle name.

Jeffrey Eugenides - The Virgin Suicides Men spend their lives obsessing about women they didn't bang.

Link, please? Or cut-and-paste the text? Or something like that?

"Not the chopped liver, you schmuck."

Own a Prizm? Onanism!

http://enjoyment.independent.co.uk/books/features/story.jsp?story=502722

Bourgeois 80s fad limps towards death. Runs low on cash, sacks journalists and ends up being written by anonymising webcrawler. Andreas Whittam Smith Ha ha

Nameless French girl surrenders in taxi, chateau, Paris Apartment. Loses clothes but gains a piercing. The pleasures of a simple life...

God is bad, Science is good as are superintelligent ships and giant ring worlds. Pirates and agent seek sentient computer on dead world. Unhappy ending.

Guy rides motorcycle while gazing at own navel (wouldn't he crash?)

Pussy whipped cuckold cries a lot on the way to Newfoundland. Takes some photos of car wrecks and drags house across island, thus redeeming himself. Aaaah.

"Shift happens!"

Impossibly angelic sailor gets shafted. Gets rich, alienated and bitter. Gets revenge. Realises it's all just fate. Movie directors unamimously ignore irrelevant sojourn in Rome.

Adulterous whore-loving widower walks north with girl-child to pimp in tow. He thought he raped his daughter. Not so. Still he gets slaughtered.

I used to be crazy and I killed someone, but this is Texas so I am sheriff. You know, I’m feeling a bit crazy again.

Decadent aesthete thinks that if he creates the ultimate escapist fantasy he can fight "against Nature". He's wrong.

People made no effort to remember their history, now no-one's sure whether any of it happened.

Daily Telegraph coverage of this thread

Man declares war on money. Man gets neurotic about money. Man gives up, gets a proper job and settles down. The end.

Dynamics duo's three steps to heaven

A horse tells everything a field of horses does , but is too polite and victorian to mention they shit,piss and fuck.

An epileptic nut case Hasheesheen dreams about blowing up/ exterminating Jews and Christians, then leaving his four wives and having 77 virgins.

Notes. "hasheesheen" is arabic for a Hashish eater or taker, whence derives (via French) the English word " Assassin ". Hashish was/is used to alleviate epilepsy and eliminate fear in warriors of the Jihad.

How to take the piss out of Lenin , Stalin and communism/ fascism/ socialism and get away with it, having a City named after you, too !

Note. Only an ornithologist would understand this !In this short poem he does it better than Orwell's "Animal Farm"

" Puddenheaded Wilson " by Mark Twain

How to take the piss out of slavery, racism and being "sold down de ribber " then get called a racist for doing so!Best detective yarn ever !

Kidnapped child disfigured by gypsies, becomes ever-smiling carnival freak, Gwynplaine; saved by Ursus. Revealed to be English Lord. People laugh. Lover dies, he commits suicide.

Absent-minded, hair-obsessed orphan disrupts life of old people.

Hideous, self-obsessed yuppie can't get a man, because she thinks she's too good for everyone. Gets a man. He's hideous too.

Girl falls asleep for ages. Wakes up really thin, mysteriously causing everyone else to fall asleep.

Boy goes to football with his Dad, then goes to football on his own, then thinks about football a lot, then Arsenal win the league.

Fin.

Long before the Open University, blue collar lad’s faith in upward mobility via education is brutally crushed by combined forces of religion and conventional morality.

Sniper misses, eventually.

Quote from the Quarterly Magazine of the Preston Guild of Master and Journeymen Toothbrush Handle Hole Borers & Ancillary Trades :-
This is in three Volumes with an Appendix of 1,282,419 references. Almost half the pages in each volume are made up of references. Volume one is entitled:-
" Toothbrush Handle Hole Boring from the Iron Age to the 20th Century"
Chapter 1 " Iron Age Toothbrush Handle Hole Boring Sites and Artefacts" argues that the 2,180 sites where artefact such as discarded bow-drills and partly bored toothbrush handles made of ivory and walrus tusks shows Toothbrush Hole Boring was the major industry and trade of the British Isles in this period, and exported as far away as Gwalior where the Gwaikor of Gwalior had gold toothbrush handles sent to the British Isles to have their holes bored; the Chinese Wo-shan Wun ( Marsh lands of the Yiang ‘se Kiang) where the tooth brush handles were smuggled in exchange for Chia or Green Tea, pre-packed Chow Mien and Number 14 with Egg Noodles in a Pak Choi Sauce; and Easter Island, where most of the mysterious giant statues are meant to be holding toothbrushes.
Chapter 2. " Attila the Toothbrush Handle Hole Borer." This chapter discusses the derivation of the word " Hun" from a phrase in Germanic language , meaning United Tribes of Toothbrush Handle Hole Borers; and claims Attila the Toothbrush Handle Hole Borer was right to attack and sack Rome, because the Senate had imposed huge duties on imported toothbrush handles, to protect the failing toothbrush handle hole boring industry of Tuscany. The Praetorian Guard and other Roman Legions had been decimated because a shortage of toothbrushes had lead to an outbreak of toothache and gum diseases; an early example of a rich and despotic lifestyle without proper dental hygene resulting in catastrophe.
(to be continued )

There's much clever scheming, a lot of people die, quite a few go mad, and the basic storyline manages to become Shakespeare's longest play - wow!

"You went to Afghanistan?!? F**k me! WHY???"