Summarise a Novel in 25 Words

Da Vinci Code, by Dan Brown
and
Angels and Demons, by Dan Brown
and
probably his other books, if he only uses this same template.

Academic consults on bizarre crime. Meets cutie. Uncovers huge conspiracy. Minor good guy is actually bad guy, and insane. No conspiracy after all. Ending fizzles.

Local boy actually chosen one. Must harness powers (while going schizophrenic) before battle with ultimate evil. All women are grouchy. Only 10 books to go.

Man walks five hundred miles for a roll in the hay.

Crazy man brings weird message to publishers. Publishers invent a conspiracy to explain it, but everything is already a conspiracy. Blame everything on Knight's Templar.

2004

Orphan finds that life is magical, but not all fun and games. In fact, it’s a downright pain at times. And sometimes quite terrifying.

Leopold Bloom wanders around Dublin, reminisces, frets about Molly's adultery, eats, tries to make a buck, masturbates. Crosses paths with Stephen Dedalus. Molly masturbates. Yes!

Young man damaged by war, hangs out with coal miners, farmers, prostitutes, yogis. Enlightenment ensues. Ex-girlfriend still pissed.

Self-conscious med student falls for waitress. Everyone knows she's going to use him, which she does. Repeatedly. He ends up happy, despite never going to Spain.

I'm Jean-Baptiste. Modern man: fornicates and reads the paper. I did too, now I'm conceited. Did I mention I let a woman drown? My bad.

Think rebellious thoughts, drink, hide from TV, drink, snog [more dumb than revolutionary] redhead, drink, hate BB, drink, get rats on face, love BB, drink.

I am the boss. Do exactly as I say. Don’t think. Be good until I tell you to kill, then act like it didn’t happen.

I just don't get the doppelganger thing at all ...

:::?
human experiment subject / concentration camp escapee singlehandedly challenges british dystopia; conscientiously objecting intuitive cop takes LSD to track him down; vi veri veniversum vivus vici.

Dad SUUUUUCKS! Grandpa sucks. These weird eater people suck. Being a resident sucks. My kid sucks. Thinks I suck. Acid sucks. This ending sucks.

Witches covenent decides to kill all English children with cursed sweets that turn them into mice and kill them in mousetraps. Cursed mouse-boy recalls tale.

mouse-boy is one, hyphenated word. shut up. shut-up.

"Life is many days. This will end"

A Native Angeleno drives LA's freeways, experiences the City, recalls his past, finds true love (and himself), and reveals the metropolis's true nature.

Thomas More blueskies a creepy, sixteenth-century Singapore, radically re-inventing society. (Later executed for conservative views.)

Buggery by numbers

Winston Smith does his job. Listens to Will Young in the pub.
Then appears on pilot for 'I'm a celebrity' doesn't get out.
Gets very depresssed, can't trust anyone again. Julia was a bitch.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/online/webwatch/

Scott, scroll down for the top referrals ever bit (Metafilter, basically).

Woah, too many characters! Best make poem 1500 pages long. Stab, charge, slaughter! Rivers of blood ensue.

(or: Dynasty for the Renaissance)

Northerner, Southerner, draw territorial line across America, slaves, talking dogs, robot ducks, murderous intentions, hissy fits, and then they all die. It is sad.

Simple concept becomes popular. Loads of new people contribute. 300 posts and still going strong. Mention in the Guardian. Guardian Readers contribute. Thread dies.

Man hunts androids, illegally on earth to lengthen their pre-programmed short, doomed lives. Kills three, falls in love with the fourth. Short-lived.

That's a one word description of Fight Club.

(Paraphrasing an earlier post) The first rule of Fight Club is you don't summarise Fight Club.

Guess what? People suck in any shape or form.

Gulliver's Travels

Mason & Dixon by Thomas Pynchon

Its hot, my mother dies, its hot, I kill someone, its really hot, I get sentenced to death. Who cares? I do. Or do I?

Dude is really confused about stuff. Sage reveals all, except more weird stuff happens. Dude gets really freaked out, and goes and gets a Coke.

German WW1 soldier is really hungry and miserable. Gets shot at, but has some good sociable craps in the sunshine with his mates. Goes home.

(Kafka, The Trial)

Hey, the ape can talk! And he thinks that by speaking elliptically I will learn how to live righteously in the world. God, he’s smart! (D. Quinn’s Ishmael)

Life as a World War II orphan is grim, but I survive savage landscapes like a medieval fairy tale character without a ‘happily ever after’. (J. Kosinski’s The Painted Bird)

-- The Sun Also Rises

-- Woolf, To the Lighthouse

A skinhead Hamlet, Prince of Denmark

ACT I SCENE I
The battlements of Elsinore Castle.
Enter HAMLET, followed by GHOST.
GHOST: Oi! Mush!
HAMLET: Yer?
GHOST: I was fucked!
(Exit GHOST.)
HAMLET: O Fuck.
(Exit HAMLET.)
SCENE II
The Throneroom.
Enter KING CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, HAMLET and COURT.
CLAUDIUS: Oi! You, Hamlet, give over!
HAMLET: Fuck off, won't you?
(Exit CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, COURT.)
HAMLET: (Alone) They could have fucking waited.
(Enter HORATIO.)
HORATIO: Oi! Watcha cock fuck!
HAMLET: Weeeeey!
(Exeunt.)
SCENE III
Ophelia's Bedroom.
Enter OPHELIA and LAERTES.
LAERTES: I'm fucking off now. Watch Hamlet doesn't slip you one while I'm gone.
OPHELIA: I'll be fucked if he does.
(Exeunt.)
SCENE IV
The Battlements.
Enter HORATIO, HAMLET and GHOST.
GHOST: Oi! Mush, get on with it!
HAMLET: Who did it then?
GHOST: That wanker Claudius. He poured fucking poison in my fucking ear!
HAMLET: Fuck me!
(Exeunt.)
ACT II SCENE I
A corridor in the castle.
Enter HAMLET reading. Enter POLONIUS.
POLONIUS: Oi! You!
HAMLET: Fuck off, grandad!
(Exit POLONIUS. Enter ROSENCRANZ and GUILDENSTERN.)
ROS & GUILD: Oi! Oi! Mucca!
HAMLET: Fuck off, the pair of you!
(Exit ROS & GUILD.)
HAMLET: (Alone) To fuck or be fucked.
(Enter OPHELIA.)
OPHELIA: My Lord!
HAMLET: Fuck off to a nunnery!
(The exit in different directions.)
ACT III SCENE I
The Throne Room.
Enter PLAYERS and all COURT.
I PLAYER: Full thirty times hath Phoebus cart...
CLAUDIUS: I'll be fucked if I watch any more of this crap.
(Exeunt.)
SCENE II
Gertrude's Bedchamber.
Enter HAMLET, to GERTRUDE.
HAMLET: Oi! Slag!
GERTRUDE: Watch your fucking mouth, kid!
POLONIUS: (From behind the curtain) Too right.
HAMLET: Who the fuck was that?
(He stabs POLONIUS through the fucking arras.)
POLONIUS: Fuck!
HAMLET: Fuck! I thought it was that other wanker.
(Exeunt.)
ACT IV SCENE I
A Court Room.
CLAUDIUS: Fuck off to England then!
HAMLET: Delighted, mush.
SCENE II
The Throne Room.
OPHELIA, GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS.
OPHELIA: Here, cop a whack of this.
(She hands GERTRUDE some fucking rosemary and exits.)
CLAUDIUS: She's fucking round the twist, isn't she?
GERTRUDE: (Looking out the window) There is a willow grows aslant the brook.
CLAUDIUS: Get on with it, slag.
GERTRUDE: Ophelia's gone and fucking drowned!
CLAUDIUS: Fuck! Laertes isn't half going to be browned off.
(Exeunt.)
SCENE III
A Corridor.
LAERTES: (Alone) I'm going to fucking do this lot.
(Enter CLAUDIUS.)
CLAUDIUS: I didn't fucking do it, mate. It was that wanker Hamlet.
LAERTES: Well, fuck him.
ACT V SCENE I
Hamlet's Bedchamber.
HAMLET and HORATIO seated.
HAMLET: I got this feeling I'm going to cop it, Horatio, and you know, I couldn't give a flying fuck.
(Exeunt.)
SCENE II
Large Hall.
Enter HAMLET, LAERTES, COURT, GERTRUDE, CLAUDIUS.
LAERTES: Oi, wanker: let's get on with it.
HAMLET: Delighted, fuckface.
(They fight and both are poisoned by the poisoned sword.)
LAERTES: Fuck!
HAMLET: Fuck!
(The QUEEN drinks.)
GERTRUDE: Fucking odd wine!
CLAUDIUS: You drunk the wrong fucking cup, you stupid cow!
HAMLET: (Pouring the poison down CLAUDIUS'S throat)
Well, fuck you!
CLAUDIUS: I'm fair and squarely fucked.
LAERTES: Oi, mush: no hard feelings, eh?
HAMLET: Yer.
(LAERTES dies.)
HAMLET: Oi! Horatio!
HORATIO: Yer?
HAMLET: I'm fucked. The rest is fucking silence.
(HAMLET dies.)
HORATIO: Fuck: that was no ordinary wanker, you know.
(Enter FORTINBRAS.)
FORTINBRAS: What the fuck's going on here?
HORATIO: A fucking mess, that's for sure.
FORTINBRAS: No kidding. I see Hamlet's fucked.
HORATIO: Yer.
FORTINBRAS: Fucking shame: fucking good bloke.
HORATIO: Too fucking right.
FORTINBRAS: Fuck this for a lark then. Let's piss off.
(Exeunt with alarums.)