Summarise a Novel in 25 Words

"Hal, please send my manuscript to the printer."
i'm sorry, Dave, i cannot do that
"Come on, Hal!"
i'm sorry, Da -- Dave, don't do tha--

Sinclair Lewis, It Can't Happen Here

neocon junta steals american election, stages false flag op, declares war on everybody, suspends the constitution, people are disappeared -- oh wait, it can happen here.

Paradise Lost - by John Milton

The story of genesis - conjured in dulcet prose. Satan is imbued with such humanity that one is tempted to root for him. I did. Pity.

Oranges are not the Only Fruit:

When one is going to Heaven, one gives not a shit about other people.

The Iliad

Lots of guys fight for 10 years over a girl that isn't theirs. Arrogance is brought to heel.

The Odyssey

Guy takes 10 years to return from fight over girl before he comes home to his wife. She's unusually understanding.

The Aeneid

W3 R0M^NS ARE L33T T00!! AND 0UR B1TCH3S R0CK!!

Hamlet

My family's fucked up. I'll pretend to be crazy, lull them into a false sense of security and kill them.

The Jungle, by Upton Sinclair

You might want to read the ingredients on that package of sausage....

Christine, by Steven King

When automobiles attack....

The Iliad, by Homer

Long boats trips, many battles. Man, the woman had best be awake when I get home.

Bonfire of the Vanities: Rich spoiled man accidentally kills someone, lies, gets caught, loses all, learns humility. Film adapation sucks.

A Simple Plan, by Scott Smith

Three can keep a secret if two are dead. Well, shit, I guess not. Live and learn.

To Have and Have Not, Hemingway

Rum running; more than a job, it's an adventure. If I die, I guess my wife can support herself as a prostitute.

masochist marries codex, blushes at other guy. Doctor marries chit. Having money is as bad as not having money - or is it? Get married!

Middlemarch

Jude the Obscure

Boy goes to school, marries hussy, she throws pig genitals at him, they divorce, he falls in love. Incest babies kill themselves. Sad.

Correction to above's Jude the Obscure:

Boy goes to school, marries hussy, she throws pig genitals at him, they divorce, he falls in love with COUSIN. Incest babies kill themselves. Sad.

Lord of the Flies

Group of kids and a fat kid get stranded. Find a counch. Go crazy and kill a pig. Then killed the fat kid.

"There you have it." (intermission) "There you have it." "Shall we go?". "Yes lets go." (They do not move.)

(Waiting For Godot - alright, its a play not a novel.)

"Going down."
"Lobby. Pagans, Philosophers, The Unlucky."
"Basement. Icky People."
"SubBasement. Really Icky People.
"SubSubBasement. Seriously Icky People."
...
"Bottom. All out. Elevator up over there."

(The Inferno. Dante Alighieri)

The Hours by Michael Cunningham

I'm not gay, but I like to kiss women. Some say I hate my life, but in reality I'm just far too melodramatic. (Except Virginia.)

Top five desert island plot points...
1) Guy loses girl
2) Obsesses over girls he's nailed.
3) Listens to records
4) Nails musician
5) Gets out of rut, back with girlfriend.

(High Fidelity - Nick Hornby)
Film adaptation is pretty good, John Cusack is loveable.

Sloth or entropy

I just realized this is an anagram of Tyrone Slothrop.

I would NEVER have noticed. that was brilliant. utterly brilliant.

Big Sur.

I can't think of anything to write, so I'll isolate myself on a beach. No, still can't write. Apart from this waffle.

Thought my boss died. Oh, wait, I did. That explains my car morphing into earlier models, and my face showing up on his dimes!

A Clockwork Orange

Teens beat, steal and rape. Teen gets caught. Brainwashing ensues. Violent teens are now cops. Unbrainwashing ensues. Violence = bad. Choosing violence = good. Milk = good.

=s are not words.

My family's oppressive, and I'm lonely and dying. I'll marry the local scoundrel for kicks. Wait, I'm healthy! Thank God my husband's a disguised millionaire.

(The Blue Castle, L.M. Montgomery)

The Secret History, Donna Tartt

Weird dream; thought we killed someone last night. We did. Friend with funny name will talk. Must kill friend first.

Even though he’s been boffing her, Mike Hammer finds it’s easy to gut-shoot the naked nymphomaniac psychoanalyst who murdered his best friend.

If On A Winter's Night A Traveller, Italo Calvino

You are a reader who only ever gets to read the first chapter of ten books. It's infuriating but you do get laid.

Naked Lunch, william s. burroughs

lee shoots up bug powder, shoots wife, goes to tangier, gets hooked on opiates/black centipede meat,friends worry but love his book. GAY SEX!

War of the Worlds - H.G. Wells

Martians kick our asses but then get a cold and die.

Longitude.

I won your stupid prize... No you didn't (50 years later) ok you did.

any of Michael Crichton's non-medical books:

Isn't cutting-edge technology wonderful?! Wait, that shouldn't be happening ... FUCK!

I'm sure glad I survived - If only we'd respected nature.

Some of you are mistaking 'capture the essence of the novel' with 'summarize the novel'.

err, nevermind. ;-P

Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoevsky

I'm poor. Let's rob and kill a pawnbroker who sucks. Yay, for murder! Let's go insane and confess. Yay Siberia!

The DarkTower Series - Stephen King

Book 1 - The Gunslinger
Roland follows guy through desert. Massacres a town. Finds boy. Drops boy off bridge. Finally meets guy on beach

Book 2 - The Drawing of the Three
Crabs eat his fingers. Walks up the beach and finds "portal doors": out of which come an ex-junkie dude (after a gunfight), a black schizo chick in a wheelchair who wants to kill whitey. Schizo turns normal.

Book 3 - The Waste Lands
Cripple chick gets raped, boy that fell off the bridge hops out of a hole in the ground. They kill a robot bear. "Stairway to Heaven" will get you crucified in this town. Suicidal robot train wants to derail.

Book 4 - Wizard and Glass
Welcome to Kansas. Hi it's me RF. Flash back. Roland had sex once. He and some buds killed a bunch of thugs and a witch. Roland's chick dies. He goes home and kills his mom by accident.

Book 5 - Wolves of the Calla
Robots are stealing kid's IQs. Cripple chick is pregnant. You are told to go read Salem's Lot. They kill a bunch of robots and the cripple chick runs off to a cave with a portal door.

The Neon Bible - John Kennedy Toole
Kid in small town. Dad goes to war, dies. Mom goes nuts, dies, gets buried in back yard. Preacher comes by to take her to take her to mental ward, gets PWNED. Kid runs off.

Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov

Suave European pedophile tries to convince us he's human, while providing his very particular view of 50s America. Sharp wit, unreliable narrator, sick love story.

Oh, mysterious woman! You entice me, yet keep disappearing. Let's reflect on the history of 20th century Japan while I mope.

- almost every Haruki Murakami novel ever.

also:
>>Musical prodigy receives all sorts of erudite training growing up, becomes leader of civilized world, plays best game ever, retires, imagines other lives, and dies. <<

I give up! What is this one?

Twelve Caesars by Suetonius

Julius is a genius. Caesars 2 - 12 are mentally disturbed. According to the gossip round the forum, Tiberius was in to little children.

Cory Doctorow's "Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom"

We've removed all cause for conflict. Let's murder and cheat on each other and blog it. This book's free if you like me in return.

(Read the book: http://craphound.com/down/
It's a fun novella, but it's also Doctorow's blatant internet-centered utopia.)

I expected a boat at mid-day to take me to the woman I left behind in New York. That ship never came. Beside me is a knife. My end.

Motherless Brooklyn by Jonathan Lethem

I have Tourette's. I want to be a detective. Ooh, now I am. Still have Tourette's though. My name is Prince and I am funky.

In Search of Lost Time

Wow, damn good cookie!

>>Hackworth renegs on deal; girl learns from nanobook; many >>technologies are explained; Judge Fang, Dr. X help orphan girls; >>and as war comes, book ends.
Diamond Age, kicks ass

>>any of Michael Crichton's non-medical books:
>>Isn't cutting-edge technology wonderful?! Wait, that shouldn't be happening ... FUCK!
>>I'm sure glad I survived - If only we'd respected nature.

So true, so very, very true

Brighton Rock:

Man is dead. Whodunnit? Him! Oh, damn. So, nice weather we've been having then? Horse races, razor blades, being poor sucks, oh look a cliff.

The Da Vinci Code, by Dan Brown

American historian and French babe break secret codes, hustle through Europe, search for Holy Grail. Did you know that Jesus and Mary Magdalene got hitched?

I am a witty newspaper man asked to commit murder while investigating drugs on the beach. I get very rich. Much better than the movie.

Any given Robert Langdon novel by Dan Brown:

World reknowned smart guy is killed, hero called. Langdon wakes up, runs around with smart EuroBabe, visits tourist attractions, is betrayed, then resolves ancient conspiracy.

Girl is transported to a surreal world where she kills the first person she encounters then joins a group of strangers to kill again.

The Wizard of OZ

Death of a Salesman

Willy: My boys are great.
Biff: No pop, we are dime a dozen.
Willy kills himself.

The Man Who Fell to Earth -Walter Tevis

Alien comes to earth, becomes a drunk, gets blinded.

Good Omens - Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett:

We lost the Antichrist. He's a normal boy. Agents from Hell and Heaven are friends. Subtle message: society sucks.

1984- Orwell

There's an annoying government, but apart from that nothing important happens at all.

The Productive members of society get tired of supporting everyone and getting shit on for it. They split. The rest of America goes to shit.