Your favourite jokes about churches

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Q. What do you call a wartime Prime Minister who likes to attend places of worship on areas of raised ground?

A. Winston Churchill! (Winston Church Hill)

MPx4A, Monday, 23 June 2008 11:19 (ten years ago) Permalink

What does The Terminator say when he's walking down the middle of a church?
Aisle (I'll) be back!

The stickman from the hilarious "xkcd" comics, Monday, 23 June 2008 11:22 (ten years ago) Permalink

What's an Islamic moth's favourite place of worship?
A mothque (mosque)!

The stickman from the hilarious "xkcd" comics, Monday, 23 June 2008 11:23 (ten years ago) Permalink

Q. What do you call it when Roman Flügel interrupts a sermon to talk about how good he is at making dance music?
A. Altar Ego!

MPx4A, Monday, 23 June 2008 11:26 (ten years ago) Permalink

mosques are off-topic, please delete ^^^

MPx4A, Monday, 23 June 2008 11:26 (ten years ago) Permalink

What's the pope's favourite type of music?
Pope (pop) music!

The stickman from the hilarious "xkcd" comics, Monday, 23 June 2008 11:26 (ten years ago) Permalink

Who are a Christian's favourite indie band?

Jesus Jones or Bishop Allan or The Church or Future Bible Heroes

The stickman from the hilarious "xkcd" comics, Monday, 23 June 2008 11:27 (ten years ago) Permalink

What did the big church say to the little church
Stop hiding behind that tree!

The stickman from the hilarious "xkcd" comics, Monday, 23 June 2008 11:30 (ten years ago) Permalink

Q. What is a Romanian's favourite church?
A. Saint Spyridon Church of Bucharest!

MPx4A, Monday, 23 June 2008 11:38 (ten years ago) Permalink

What's Superman's favourite church?
He doesn't have one!

The stickman from the hilarious "xkcd" comics, Monday, 23 June 2008 11:41 (ten years ago) Permalink

Q. What did the altar boy say when the priest went shopping two minutes before mass started?
A. Hey, don't leave me in the church! (lurch)

MPx4A, Monday, 23 June 2008 12:43 (ten years ago) Permalink

What is a church's favourite Addams family character?
Church (Lurch)!

The stickman from the hilarious "xkcd" comics, Monday, 23 June 2008 12:44 (ten years ago) Permalink

What does a Jewish pirate like to drink?
Synagrogue! (Grog)

Noodle Vague, Monday, 23 June 2008 12:47 (ten years ago) Permalink

Q. Who is a priest's favourite TV presenter?
A. Terry Christian!

MPx4A, Monday, 23 June 2008 13:14 (ten years ago) Permalink

Q. Why are so many Mexican people called Jesus?
A. Because they like God!

Noodle Vague, Monday, 23 June 2008 13:15 (ten years ago) Permalink

Q: Who is the ideal person to fix the church's roof?
A: Christian Slater

banriquit, Monday, 23 June 2008 13:16 (ten years ago) Permalink

Q. What do you call a controversial journalist who damages a church roof and is then forced to pay for its repair?
A. Duly Church-Billed! (Julie Burchill)

MPx4A, Monday, 23 June 2008 13:26 (ten years ago) Permalink

Q. Which actor is best suited to the role of clearing the hay in the church field?
A. Christian Bale

Free Peace Sweet!, Monday, 23 June 2008 13:30 (ten years ago) Permalink

What do you call a church fan who is either elected to the position of mayor in some parts of Canada or a bailiff in medieval times?
Christian (Christopher) Reeve!

The stickman from the hilarious "xkcd" comics, Monday, 23 June 2008 13:32 (ten years ago) Permalink

Q. What do you call a church-going prostitute who repairs the bottoms of boats?
A. Christian (Christine) Keeler!

Noodle Vague, Monday, 23 June 2008 13:34 (ten years ago) Permalink

Q. Which internet music critic is sometimes used by confused churchgoers as a bench?
A. Paul Edward Wagemann (P. E. W. - "pew")

banriquit, Monday, 23 June 2008 13:38 (ten years ago) Permalink

What annoying fox puppet can be used to clean a certain part of a church?
Basil (Basilica) Brush!

The stickman from the hilarious "xkcd" comics, Monday, 23 June 2008 13:40 (ten years ago) Permalink

Q. What large church used to present Blue Peter?
A. Cathedral! (Katy Hill)

Noodle Vague, Monday, 23 June 2008 13:42 (ten years ago) Permalink

Q. Which son of a '90s supermodel is likely to grow up a church attendee?
A. Helena Christensen's (Christian's son)

Free Peace Sweet!, Monday, 23 June 2008 13:42 (ten years ago) Permalink

Q. Why did the Bishop cross the road?
A. He was late for church!

Noodle Vague, Monday, 23 June 2008 13:44 (ten years ago) Permalink

What did Superman say to the bishop?
Stop hiding behind that tree!

The stickman from the hilarious "xkcd" comics, Monday, 23 June 2008 13:45 (ten years ago) Permalink

q: what do deep thinking churchgoers sing?

a: hmmms (hymns)

estela, Monday, 23 June 2008 13:49 (ten years ago) Permalink

When were crude italian defensive tactics mentioned in the Bible?

When Jesus went up for the cross, but got nailed.

darraghmac, Monday, 23 June 2008 14:21 (ten years ago) Permalink

Q. Which ILX funny man most reguarly attends his local church?
A. The stickman from the hilarious "xk church d" comics

Free Peace Sweet!, Monday, 23 June 2008 14:50 (ten years ago) Permalink

Q. Who is the most christian member of hip hop group Public Enemy?
A. Church D

Free Peace Sweet!, Monday, 23 June 2008 14:52 (ten years ago) Permalink

What's a church's favourite type of lollipop?
Chupa-Church (Chup)!

The stickman from the hilarious "xkcd" comics, Monday, 23 June 2008 14:58 (ten years ago) Permalink

THESE ARE THE BEST JOEKS I HAVE EVR READ
DOM YOU KEEP MAKING THESE PUNS AND MY SETEEM FOR YOU WILL EXPONENTIALLY GROW

Abbott, Monday, 23 June 2008 16:24 (ten years ago) Permalink

RIP digitiser

DG, Monday, 23 June 2008 16:31 (ten years ago) Permalink

A church walks into his local bar and has nothing to drink. The bartender was curious and asked him why he wasn't drinking anything.
The church replies, "I don't drink anymore... Last night, I blew chunks."
"Oh that's nothing", the bartender replies. "Everyone gets a little sick after drinking at times!"
"No, No", the church replies. "You don't understand. Chunks is my dog!"

DJ Mencap, Monday, 23 June 2008 18:05 (ten years ago) Permalink

A blonde church and a brunette church are walking down the street together when the brunette church spots her husband in a flower shop across the street.
Brunette church: Oh, no! He's buying me flowers again!
Blonde church: What's wrong? I love when men buy me flowers!
Brunette church: Well, he's going to come home with them tonight and expect me to spend the next week on my back with my legs in the air.
Blonde church: Why don't you just buy a vase?

DJ Mencap, Monday, 23 June 2008 18:09 (ten years ago) Permalink

Why don’t women churches need a driver's license?
Because there’s no road between the kitchen and bedroom!

DJ Mencap, Monday, 23 June 2008 18:13 (ten years ago) Permalink

mosques are off-topic, please delete ^^^

-- MPx4A, Monday, June 23, 2008 4:26 AM (Monday, June 23, 2008 4:26 AM) Bookmark Link

Don't be intolerant against jokes of other faith.

The Reverend, Monday, 23 June 2008 21:15 (ten years ago) Permalink

What book would Alexander Dumas written if he had been a muslim?

The Man In The Iron Mosque (Mask!)

Free Peace Sweet!, Tuesday, 24 June 2008 13:07 (ten years ago) Permalink

What's a church's favorite tree?
A birch (church)!

max, Tuesday, 24 June 2008 14:45 (ten years ago) Permalink

What motorcycle did Jesus ride (er, to church)?
"The sound of his Triumph was heard throughout the land"

S-, Wednesday, 25 June 2008 03:55 (ten years ago) Permalink

Q. Why do people call Richard Dawkins a wanker?
A. Because he's often seen bashing the bishop(s)!

(Richard Dawkins is a prominent critic of religion)

banriquit, Thursday, 26 June 2008 10:54 (ten years ago) Permalink

Q. What did Martin Poother (Martin Luther) nail to the door of Castle Church?
A. His Ninety-Five Feces (Ninety-Five Theses)!

Ol Bertie Dastard, Thursday, 26 June 2008 14:35 (ten years ago) Permalink

Q. What is a church's favorite Australian rock group?
A. The Church (The Church is an Australian rock group)!

Ol Bertie Dastard, Thursday, 26 June 2008 14:40 (ten years ago) Permalink

Q. What do you call a Serbian footballer who develops a nasty rash while praying in a church?
A. Aleksandar "Saša" Ćurčić! (church-itch)

MPx4A, Friday, 27 June 2008 15:12 (ten years ago) Permalink

oh god...

usic, Tuesday, 1 July 2008 17:52 (ten years ago) Permalink

these aren't jokes at all...

usic, Tuesday, 1 July 2008 17:53 (ten years ago) Permalink

Why did The Church's fence fall down?
Because there weren't enough posts to sustain it

The stickman from the hilarious "xkcd" comics, Wednesday, 2 July 2008 14:29 (ten years ago) Permalink

What the favourite condiment of Republican churchgoers?

Mayonnaise have seen the glory of the coming of the lord.

Thomas, Monday, 7 July 2008 08:36 (ten years ago) Permalink

Why did The Church's fence fall down?
Because there weren't enough posts to sustain it

-- The stickman from the hilarious "xkcd" comics, Wednesday, July 2, 2008 9:29 AM (6 days ago) Bookmark Link

can the church be renamed the graveyard cuz RIP

deej, Tuesday, 8 July 2008 21:49 (ten years ago) Permalink

I wonder why the 38 people that voted for this board aren't here now, sustaining it with a rich tapestry of posts that reflect their varied, completely different personalities

MPx4A, Wednesday, 9 July 2008 08:44 (ten years ago) Permalink

Q. What do you call it when Roman Flügel interrupts a sermon to talk about how good he is at making dance music?
A. Altar Ego!
LOL'd for real at this one!

haitch, Monday, 21 July 2008 04:24 (ten years ago) Permalink

I wonder why the 38 people that voted for this board aren't here now, sustaining it with a rich tapestry of posts that reflect their varied, completely different personalities

-- MPx4A, 09 July 2008 08:44 (1 week ago) Bookmark Link

church holidays?

darraghmac, Monday, 21 July 2008 14:03 (ten years ago) Permalink

three weeks pass...

Q. What do you call it when Roman Flügel interrupts a sermon to talk about how good he is at making dance music?
A. Altar Ego!

-- MPx4A, Monday, 23 June 2008 11:26 (1 month ago) Link

He better read from this though!

mehlt, Sunday, 17 August 2008 20:07 (ten years ago) Permalink

there was once a parish... no, fuck it, it's gone.

special guest stars mark bronson, Thursday, 28 August 2008 15:23 (ten years ago) Permalink


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