Sex Droughts

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I know we've discussed this here before, and I know there are posters who've gone years without sextime, but I'm curious what the overall over/under is, so to speak, and how one deals with lengthier droughts before reaching that preternatural calm of "I just don't need sex anymore, and people that do seem strange to me."

Right now I'm at 4 months, and it's the longest I've ever had to go. I know that probably seems like a pittance to a bunch of you, but at moments it is really shitty to deal with the lack of human contact and general loneliness.

So. There we go. Now you.

p.m.s.b. (pre-mall smoke bomb) (zorn_bond.mp3), Monday, 20 September 2010 21:47 (thirteen years ago) link

4-6 months is the worst iirc -

sarahel, Monday, 20 September 2010 21:58 (thirteen years ago) link

I'm at 7 months now, and a full year before that. I once went five years.

Johnny Fever, Monday, 20 September 2010 22:01 (thirteen years ago) link

As much as I love sex and intimacy, I find it surprisingly easy to go without for long periods of time. But I'm not a hooker-upper...I'm a relationship guy.

Johnny Fever, Monday, 20 September 2010 22:03 (thirteen years ago) link

And so like, it's normal to feel like shit on Tuesday nights and every touch from someone new is like an electric shock that fizzles out unless they turn out to be the one?

p.m.s.b. (pre-mall smoke bomb) (zorn_bond.mp3), Monday, 20 September 2010 22:04 (thirteen years ago) link

I mean yeah I'm the same way man, but for me it's less about bustin one out and more about having a real moment with someone that means something to you. I can go pay to get off, but it wouldn't fix what sucks about this.

p.m.s.b. (pre-mall smoke bomb) (zorn_bond.mp3), Monday, 20 September 2010 22:05 (thirteen years ago) link

Haha that was oddly worded but I think you get my meaning?

p.m.s.b. (pre-mall smoke bomb) (zorn_bond.mp3), Monday, 20 September 2010 22:05 (thirteen years ago) link

Ever since I was a kid, I've been perfectly capable of living happily in solitude. It's even been an issue in a couple of relationships...clingy girlfriends getting in the way of my alone time.

Johnny Fever, Monday, 20 September 2010 22:07 (thirteen years ago) link

yeah - no it makes sense - some people have an easier time separating the emotional stuff from the physical.

sarahel, Monday, 20 September 2010 22:08 (thirteen years ago) link

Had a little over a year once, and I'm the kind of dude who does NOT do well without close human contact. Just kept being shitty until it ended. Definitely one of the main things that spurred me to change up my life for the better, though.

It's basically worthless advice because it's near impossible to put into practice and also duh, but don't worry about it, try to push it to the back of your mind and focus on self-improvement/yr ART/whatever and shit just ~happens~ ime.

ENERGY FOOD (en i see kay), Monday, 20 September 2010 22:08 (thirteen years ago) link

It's basically worthless advice because it's near impossible to put into practice and also duh, but don't worry about it, try to push it to the back of your mind and focus on self-improvement/yr ART/whatever and shit just ~happens~ ime.

― ENERGY FOOD (en i see kay), Monday, September 20, 2010 3:08 PM (3 seconds ago)

yep.

sarahel, Monday, 20 September 2010 22:09 (thirteen years ago) link

i sort of go crazy after around the 5-6 month range

J0rdan S., Monday, 20 September 2010 22:09 (thirteen years ago) link

When I see other people my age (mid 30s), or especially younger, freaking out about "never finding love" or wondering if they're going to be single for the rest of their lives, I just want to say "chill the fuck out!"

I really don't give it a ton of thought. I'm sure I could find someone that's a perfect match, someone who appreciates space and needs her own as well. But at the same time, if I'm just having occasional relationships that last a few months or a couple years at a time until I die, that's cool too.

Johnny Fever, Monday, 20 September 2010 22:11 (thirteen years ago) link

I have kind of veered off topic, though. sry

Johnny Fever, Monday, 20 September 2010 22:12 (thirteen years ago) link

tmi is where we do tmi iirc so

p.m.s.b. (pre-mall smoke bomb) (zorn_bond.mp3), Monday, 20 September 2010 22:14 (thirteen years ago) link

went 18 years without sex, was long enough tbh. wouldn't do it again.

i dont love everything, i love football (darraghmac), Monday, 20 September 2010 22:19 (thirteen years ago) link

someone masturbating in front of you as an infant doesn't count iirc

sarahel, Monday, 20 September 2010 22:21 (thirteen years ago) link

given that the four of us went through puberty sharing a room for long stretches, i'm glad to hear it tbh

i dont love everything, i love football (darraghmac), Monday, 20 September 2010 22:22 (thirteen years ago) link

i don't recall that, d.

sarahel, Monday, 20 September 2010 22:23 (thirteen years ago) link

also pretty sure i went through puberty well before z_b was born.

sarahel, Monday, 20 September 2010 22:24 (thirteen years ago) link

i think i went for two years once?

generally speaking, if you're a young-ish adult i think it's not terribly healthy to go w/o sex for long durations

dude (del), Monday, 20 September 2010 22:25 (thirteen years ago) link

The only thing I regret about my 5-year drought (which lasted between the ages of 24-28) is that by the time I finally had sex again, I had revirginized.

Johnny Fever, Monday, 20 September 2010 22:28 (thirteen years ago) link

generally speaking, if you're a young-ish adult i think it's not terribly healthy to go w/o sex for long durations

eh i'm not sre it's unhealthy either as such

i dont love everything, i love football (darraghmac), Monday, 20 September 2010 22:29 (thirteen years ago) link

i admire the mental fortitude it must require to not have sex between the ages of 24 and 28

J0rdan S., Monday, 20 September 2010 22:29 (thirteen years ago) link

eh i'm not sre it's unhealthy either as such

depends how unhealthy dying from the inside is

Mo Tucker Mo Problems (Noodle Vague), Monday, 20 September 2010 22:31 (thirteen years ago) link

ah sex is no cure for that

Mormons come out of the sky and they stand there (Abbbottt), Monday, 20 September 2010 22:32 (thirteen years ago) link

lol 'mental fortitude'

some ppl aren't inundated with offers, yknow

i dont love everything, i love football (darraghmac), Monday, 20 September 2010 22:32 (thirteen years ago) link

my drought took place at ages 24-26 or thereabouts. and was completely avoidable. but i was an idiot and ridiculously picky and also tried to avoid one-night stand situations for some stupid reason and also was too thick to pick up on ppl having crushes on me, etc.

if i lived that period over again my bedpost would be sawdust at this point from notch-whittling fatigue

oh well

dude (del), Monday, 20 September 2010 22:33 (thirteen years ago) link

also i guess i slept with an ex- a few times during that period, so never mind

dude (del), Monday, 20 September 2010 22:38 (thirteen years ago) link

I guess 3-4 months was the longest I ever went after the initial 17 years but I never had that feeling like, "Man, I need to get laid" because I could probably take care of those purely sexual needs better myself. I always hated the kissing/cuddling droughts more.

master of retardment (ENBB), Monday, 20 September 2010 22:38 (thirteen years ago) link

i admire the mental fortitude it must require to not have sex between the ages of 24 and 28

My first girlfriend/fiancee/nightmare fucked me up but good. I essentially didn't want to have anything to do with women during that time.

Johnny Fever, Monday, 20 September 2010 22:39 (thirteen years ago) link

dang

J0rdan S., Monday, 20 September 2010 22:40 (thirteen years ago) link

i once went 16 years without sex tbqf

('_') (omar little), Monday, 20 September 2010 22:41 (thirteen years ago) link

I guess 3-4 months was the longest I ever went after the initial 17 years but I never had that feeling like, "Man, I need to get laid" because I could probably take care of those purely sexual needs better myself. I always hated the kissing/cuddling droughts more.

i kinda wanted to say exactly this, but yknow i'm a dude so didn't really want to but it's true for me too.

i dont love everything, i love football (darraghmac), Monday, 20 September 2010 22:46 (thirteen years ago) link

:D

master of retardment (ENBB), Monday, 20 September 2010 22:48 (thirteen years ago) link

My "birth - _____" drought was only 11 years. Granted, it wasn't actual copulation, but I learned about everything else including fellatio and cunnilingus from my 15 year-old aunt. I realize this is probably even TMI for ILTMI, but sometimes it just takes a weight off to get it out there.

Family reunions are still awkward, because I wonder how many other cousins could tell the same story.

Johnny Fever, Monday, 20 September 2010 22:48 (thirteen years ago) link

whoa

('_') (omar little), Monday, 20 September 2010 22:49 (thirteen years ago) link

^^ that

So wait - you were messing around with your aunt who was only a couple of years older than you? Is that right? Just want to be clear.

master of retardment (ENBB), Monday, 20 September 2010 22:50 (thirteen years ago) link

iltmi seem like a pretty easygoing bunch.

dude (del), Monday, 20 September 2010 22:50 (thirteen years ago) link

Yeah, my aunt (my mom's youngest sister) is only 4 years older than I am.

Johnny Fever, Monday, 20 September 2010 22:51 (thirteen years ago) link

I guess 3-4 months was the longest I ever went after the initial 17 years but I never had that feeling like, "Man, I need to get laid" because I could probably take care of those purely sexual needs better myself. I always hated the kissing/cuddling droughts more.

i kinda wanted to say exactly this, but yknow i'm a dude so didn't really want to but it's true for me too.

think this is exacerbated by the fact that us/uk are not particularly big touch-oriented cultures

so yeah, that's a big problem during these droughts

dude (del), Monday, 20 September 2010 22:52 (thirteen years ago) link

like i guess leo buscaglia has been out of fashion for the last few decades, but i think that his idea of taking people very serious as individuals and not being hesitant about very basic things like hugging people should be run with more. nothing is more healing than acceptance, affirming people be it through touch or otherwise

dude (del), Monday, 20 September 2010 22:56 (thirteen years ago) link

Yeah, my favorite part of relationships is just simple closeness. Watching movies together in bed/on the couch, backscratching, just the smell of a person other than yourself.

Johnny Fever, Monday, 20 September 2010 22:58 (thirteen years ago) link

Seriously, I would marry someone just to get my back scratched once a day.

Johnny Fever, Monday, 20 September 2010 22:58 (thirteen years ago) link

My "birth - _____" drought was only 11 years. Granted, it wasn't actual copulation, but I learned about everything else including fellatio and cunnilingus from my 15 year-old aunt. I realize this is probably even TMI for ILTMI, but sometimes it just takes a weight off to get it out there.

Family reunions are still awkward, because I wonder how many other cousins could tell the same story.

― Johnny Fever, Monday, 20 September 2010 23:48 (8 minutes ago) Bookmark

i had a slighty older female cousin who used to ask me to strip off in front of her and her mates. never actually did it. think she was just doing it for the lulz, tho. at least, i'd like to think so. her weird mate used to feel my arse as well.

max arrrrrgh, Monday, 20 September 2010 23:00 (thirteen years ago) link

28 YEARS OLD I WAS

max arrrrrgh, Monday, 20 September 2010 23:00 (thirteen years ago) link

johnny fever all kinds of otm

i dont love everything, i love football (darraghmac), Monday, 20 September 2010 23:01 (thirteen years ago) link

i was watching sleepaway camp 2: unhappy campers the other evening, and thinking about how the proprietor of the camp is named "Uncle John", and that "avuncular" has sort of become synonymous with creepy at this point

dude (del), Monday, 20 September 2010 23:03 (thirteen years ago) link

'ad uncle

i dont love everything, i love football (darraghmac), Monday, 20 September 2010 23:04 (thirteen years ago) link

Max, you were 28 when this was going on? My situation was a taboo adolescent curiosity thing, but your cousin is straight up kinky.

Johnny Fever, Monday, 20 September 2010 23:13 (thirteen years ago) link

tfw when ur 40 and 5-6 pints ruins u

rip van wanko, Wednesday, 22 July 2015 06:37 (eight years ago) link

L

UYD: Oxys, Percs, Vics, Addys, Rit-Dogs and Xannys (sunny successor), Saturday, 25 July 2015 14:22 (eight years ago) link

one month passes...

met a woman who refers to ending a sex drought as "getting the poison out"

gr8080, Monday, 14 September 2015 14:36 (eight years ago) link

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xeOcCo77k0Q

welltris (crüt), Monday, 14 September 2015 14:42 (eight years ago) link

2 wisks

BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Tuesday, 15 September 2015 23:59 (eight years ago) link

went on a first date with someone who managed to tell me what an amazing time she was having immediately prior to shoving my hand down her shirt and grab my junk...and then pretty much lose interest in me two days later. the drought continues.

(actually not that bummed about it. I was somewhat taken back by how aggressive she was on a first date when we barely knew each other and I wasn't at all approaching it as a "friends with benefits" arrangement. woulda been up for more, didn't work out....probably for the best)

Hammer Smashed Bagels, Wednesday, 16 September 2015 04:51 (eight years ago) link

two years pass...

We went a calendar year without sex after our first child was born (she's a november baby) which I found pretty difficult to deal with. But she didn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time for basically two years, so, there's that. Married 8 years now and sex is something that happens every few weeks or months. Child 2 arrived in February so I'm not even hoping for anything for another couple of months at the least. Just had a vasectomy and hope that removes a layer of anxiety and logistics which hampered sex sometimes before.

Hey Bob (Scik Mouthy), Monday, 4 June 2018 14:51 (five years ago) link

five years pass...

[moderator note: several posts in this thread have been deleted on user's request]

Ask T.S. Eliot and John Ruskin.

the dreaded dependent claus (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Tuesday, 6 June 2023 21:12 (eight months ago) link

Depends how good the food is

Random Restaurateur (Jordan), Tuesday, 6 June 2023 21:14 (eight months ago) link

That question needs a lot of context in order to be answered.
Is it sexless because there’s no physical attraction, one-sided or mutual? Is it due to trauma experienced by one partner? Are there still other forms of physical intimacy? Is it due to chronic health issues? Is it lack of communication? By “sexless”, do you mean absolutely zero sexual intimacy (kissing, touching, cuddling etc) or actual sex (anything to do with genitals)?

I could go the rest of my life without straight-up sex acts if I had to, but not without other kinds of physical intimacy at all.

just1n3, Wednesday, 7 June 2023 00:14 (eight months ago) link

<3 u buddy

broken breakbeat (sleeve), Wednesday, 7 June 2023 00:45 (eight months ago) link

If I were you I would try explaining it to her like much like you are here

But his face would not turn into hot Kirby (Evan), Wednesday, 7 June 2023 01:09 (eight months ago) link

Is there any potential option of opening things up?

underwater as a compliment (Eazy), Wednesday, 7 June 2023 01:10 (eight months ago) link

there are lots of options and in-betweens, the only way to find something that might work is to start talking about it with her. worst thing you can do is not talk about it. use lots of "i feel x" statements.

ꙮ (map), Wednesday, 7 June 2023 01:19 (eight months ago) link

I’m at about 7 years btw.

"we have sex from time to time" is a reasonable expectation in marriage. couples therapy, which don't get me wrong sounds scary to me, is what I think most people would recommend. you are not being unkind or selfish to say "I don't want to just never have sex with anybody" -- be kind to yourself about this.

J Edgar Noothgrush (Joan Crawford Loves Chachi), Wednesday, 7 June 2023 01:43 (eight months ago) link

Agree with map - this something you have to talk all the way through.

If couples therapy isn’t realistic right now (money etc) there are two things I’d suggest that might at least open up a very honest line of communication:

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It’s about helping you kinda figured out how your own sexuality/sensuality works.

Where Should We Begin? a podcast by Esther Perel. It’s real life counseling sessions she has with couples - not regular clients, but one-time sessions. They’re not all about sex but she’s incredibly insightful and I’ve learnt a lot listening to these episodes.

Menopause can be so long and so excruciating for some women - I’m so sorry she’s had to suffer through it. But it’s ok that you’re sad too.

just1n3, Wednesday, 7 June 2023 02:28 (eight months ago) link

My husband and I and have just come out of an extended almost-drought too. I was really depressed for like 3 yrs - I couldn’t get out of bed. But it was a mental and physical depression, not emotional, and my libido was still working. We still cuddled and had that kind of physical intimacy but for him, he was my caretaker and he couldn’t switch off from that to get in the mindset of being my sexual partner. We moved across the country in March, and while I’m still quite depressed, there has been improvement, and now he doesn’t feel like he’s my caretaker.

just1n3, Wednesday, 7 June 2023 02:36 (eight months ago) link

That’s kinda unfair on you - 7 yrs without sexual intimacy IS a big deal. As for it being a way of deflecting from other things you have going on, sex can be an escape and not in a bad way. That’s why my libido isn’t usually affected by even severe anxiety or depression.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel desired by your partner. It’s more important to some of us than others. If sex is one of the ways you are able to feel emotionally connected to your partner, it’s ok for you to want to talk about ways that can be fulfilled, outside of actual sex. Like, there are ways to engage one partner’s sexuality without engaging the other’s, and I don’t just mean jerking off your partner; massage or any kind of intimate touch, where you show attention to your partner physically. My husband would brush my hair for me a lot, during our drought.

just1n3, Wednesday, 7 June 2023 03:48 (eight months ago) link

Still dry since Obama's first term.

Though now it's mostly I'm repulsed by the idea. My GF in 2019 couldn't figure out why we hadn't fucked. She was dating a guy with many intimacy hang-ups, that's why.

the manwich horror (Neanderthal), Wednesday, 7 June 2023 04:00 (eight months ago) link

Also I agree with just1n3, ian. It's really not unfair to want some form of intimacy like that and to talk about it

the manwich horror (Neanderthal), Wednesday, 7 June 2023 04:04 (eight months ago) link

Damn ian I am sorry, and same goes for everyone else struggling with this. I have a friend in a similar situation (7 years) … not a euphemism, it is someone else, not me.

Basically for him and his wife it’s been since their kid was born and she has lost interest, though apparently some of it is body image issues.

But it is something that seems to create other stresses and resentments … and it’s worth addressing the thing rather than other things that stand in for the thing

sarahell, Wednesday, 7 June 2023 04:09 (eight months ago) link

But it’s scary! Like if you otherwise really care about your partner and don’t want this to lead to a divorce! I went through periods with my ex when I felt like garbage and wasn’t interested but I had the traditional mindset of “if you don’t put out, he will find someone else who will.” So there were times when I wasn’t into it at first and then was good and other times I totally faked it (easier as a person without a dick) because I cared about him and wanted to make him happy… like I feel like it’s kinda part of the monogamous contract? Idk

sarahell, Wednesday, 7 June 2023 04:14 (eight months ago) link

Expressing that you have big feelings about something and then being told those feelings are wrong or you’re exaggerating or they’re not important - of course that’s hurtful. And it’s another way you don’t feel connected. It sounds like it’s her defense mechanism to respond that way because she doesn’t want to talk about it. Is that because she genuinely feels pressured or is it something else? Either way, you guys have to talk about because it’s only gonna turn into growing resentment on both sides and that will sour the parts of your relationship that are good.

just1n3, Wednesday, 7 June 2023 06:29 (eight months ago) link

aside from cosigning all the above id need to underline that there's nothing reasonable nor understandable about "we aren't having sex and we're not discussing it" and i accept 100% that nothing in any relationship occurs in a vacuum but that's just not a position anyone can take while deflecting blame for raising it on the other person

Ár an broc a mhic (darraghmac), Wednesday, 7 June 2023 08:12 (eight months ago) link

yes. i wrote something earlier to the effect that 'you need out of this and to help matters it seems to have already become just a friendship', but deleted it because that's too abrupt and callous and i don't know either of you really, but if the suggested steps don't pay off then you've got to be good to yourself, no matter how heartwrenchingly difficult that sounds

imago, Wednesday, 7 June 2023 08:28 (eight months ago) link

it doesn't need to be that but this is not one of those things one person in a relationship gets to decide and there is no real way to avoid that imo. its a long struggle to keep something like this as as something that needs attention and effort and thought and care but ime its no different to lots of aspects similarly critical to a good relationship there, we just get funny about arguing/talking about it because it's sex and even the non catholics get vulnerable and weird about saying i need/i cant to the other in this realm

Ár an broc a mhic (darraghmac), Wednesday, 7 June 2023 08:49 (eight months ago) link

Ian I actually wasn't being glib, sorry if it came off that way.
I don't want to talk about it in a public forum though, I'll email you if yr ILX email works.

Random Restaurateur (Jordan), Wednesday, 7 June 2023 12:56 (eight months ago) link

If your wife is taking an SSRI for depression, adding in Wellbutrin/bupropion can help with libido.

just1n3, Wednesday, 7 June 2023 13:06 (eight months ago) link

this is not one of those things one person in a relationship gets to decide

I'm assuming you mean that "the relationship continuing without sex" is not what one person gets to decide, right? Because not having sex absolutely IS something that one person gets to decide. Nobody is owed sex, regardless of whether you're in a relationship or not. However, the party who does want it has the right to decide whether or not that's a deal-breaker.

I guess the big question is whether she wants to overcome the sex drought or not. And by that, I don't mean if she's willing to put out to please you, but if she wants to work on the mental/physical issues that are in place. It's working out not whether she wants sex, but whether she wants to want sex, if that makes sense? That could take a long time and be a cause of a lot of shame and stress in itself (it feels shameful to not want sex with your partner, it really does) so I understand the desire to enter avoidance mode, but if it is an issue for you then it needs to be addressed no matter how uncomfortable it is.

Just1n3 has been way more OTM on this thread than I could hope to be, so listen to her.

emil.y, Wednesday, 7 June 2023 13:57 (eight months ago) link

I agree that nobody owes sex to anyone else but am I wrong in thinking that refusing to have sex with your partner for an extended period of time while also expecting them to stay in a monogamous relationship with you is abusive in its own way? Like if something happened to me where my libido was just zero for a year-plus I feel like I'd have to at least give my wife the option of opening things up.

frogbs, Wednesday, 7 June 2023 14:09 (eight months ago) link

I mean, or not, if you know you're the sort of person who couldn't handle that and the relationship wouldn't recover.

Random Restaurateur (Jordan), Wednesday, 7 June 2023 14:13 (eight months ago) link

yes emil.y hope that was clear but no harm at all spelling it out

Ár an broc a mhic (darraghmac), Wednesday, 7 June 2023 14:21 (eight months ago) link

Depends on the relationship, depends on the people in the relationship, depends on the reason for lack of sex, depends on the communication and boundaries of the people within the relationship. I can see situations where it could be used as a form of abusive control, I can see plenty of situations where it's not even close.

Also, while 7 years is a very long time, a single year? If you were physically unable to have sex with your wife for one year you'd be fine with her having sex with other people? I mean, that mostly sounds like you'd be fine with having an open relationship in general, which is cool, but a lot of people aren't really up for open relationships.

that's all an xp to frogs

darragh - I figured you didn't mean it the other way but it definitely could have read like that!

emil.y, Wednesday, 7 June 2023 14:29 (eight months ago) link

Maybe just delete the whole revive, lol

Random Restaurateur (Jordan), Wednesday, 7 June 2023 14:42 (eight months ago) link

ok yeah I suppose it all depends a lot on the exact situation. idk if I'm a guy who's fine with an open relationship as much as I'm the guy who just says he'd be totally cool with it :)

frogbs, Wednesday, 7 June 2023 15:32 (eight months ago) link

If you were physically unable to have sex with your wife for one year you'd be fine with her having sex with other people? I mean, that mostly sounds like you'd be fine with having an open relationship in genera

uh, a year is a long time to go without, assuming you are cohabiting ... though, it definitely feels like in this thread there is a broad variety of what constitutes "a long time" ... so I think we are back to the "it depends on the people" metric

sarahell, Wednesday, 7 June 2023 15:55 (eight months ago) link

the 1 year itch idk seems pretty fuckin hasty to me anyway

Ár an broc a mhic (darraghmac), Wednesday, 7 June 2023 15:58 (eight months ago) link

Sex drought, isn't it nice, ih wait no never mind

― a black white asian pine ghost who is fake (Telephone thing), Tuesday, September 21, 2010 5:39 PM (twelve years ago) bookmarkflaglink

lol - sex dwarf was the song it called to my mind

― sarahel, Tuesday, September 21, 2010

the dreaded dependent claus (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Wednesday, 7 June 2023 16:21 (eight months ago) link


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