thread to get over a breakup

if we're not worthy of goodwill then why interact with us at all? jesus christ

I didn't say you were un'worthy of goodwill', nor do I perceive this forum primarily as a site of social 'interaction' in which such a concept would come into play, but rather as one for discussion of ideas. Though having just seen how small is its readership, I suppose that view may be erroneous.

I would suggest that excessively personalizing that sort of idealized discussion is in fact a fairly good description of bad faith.

I think depersonalizing any discussion, to the extent you pretend the people in it aren't distinct personalities bringing their own lives to the table, ignores how human interaction actually works

tell me how a thread with this title fits into your "idealized discussion" bullshit, because it's about a personal experience and not an idealized "how humans should deal with the end of a relationship"

there's no reason to assume goodwill on moo's part

― WilliamC, Tuesday, April 3, 2018 6:14 PM (eight minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Goodwill toward whom? I don't know you or anyone else posting here.

― Moo Vaughn, Tuesday, April 3, 2018 11:25 AM (twelve minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

you are a total cunt

jim's got it in fewer words

thread for callously but efficiently workshopping ideas for getting over a breakup

"human interaction" doesn't "actually work" via typing words on a screen in what may be a hermetic environment and seeing them appear in electronic print to be read immediately or far in the future by several dozen or hundred faceless people any of whom might choose to ignore, read, respond, or address a different topic. Or was it your assertion that a given person may effectively control the terms of the thread for an indeterminate amount of time by presenting a certain personal topic or experience?

Note that this question is reasonably rhetorical and posed as part of a bilateral conversation I did not invite, and I'll now return you to defending ghosting with "I'm not feeling it," mr. goodwill, while I attempt do more productive things for an indeterminate interim.

No, the implication was your phrasing seemed judgmental and mean to someone who found the experience of going to a movie on their own disheartening.

And that's quite the misreading of what both "ghosting" and what I actually said was!

you are a total cunt

― Louis Jägermeister (jim in vancouver), Tuesday, April 3, 2018 6:38 PM (four minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I enjoy "cunts" on occasion so I'll accept your lower-class, sexist dismissal (to the degree a widespread term among your culture, expressive of its lower-class, sexist character) with mild amusement.

^not for those presently reading. a text for the futuremen^

you are a total cunt

― Louis Jägermeister (jim in vancouver), Tuesday, April 3, 2018 6:38 PM (four minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I enjoy "cunts" on occasion so I'll accept your lower-class, sexist dismissal (to the degree a widespread term among your culture, expressive of its lower-class, sexist character) with mild amusement.

― Moo Vaughn, Tuesday, April 3, 2018 11:45 AM (six minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

one of these posts is sexist, one of them is me calling you a cunt

you're also a cock just fyi

and an arsehole

hey moo you're a fucking idiot nerd ass loser and everyone hates you btw

ilx on the verge of dumping him again

thread to moo vaughn from a breakup

thread to breakup from moo vaughn

Once upon a time and a very good time it was there was a moovaughn coming down along the road and this moovaughn that was coming down along the road met a nicens little boy named baby tuckhoos.

you're also a cock just fyi

― Louis Jägermeister (jim in vancouver), Tuesday, April 3, 2018 6:53 PM (thirty-one minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Second thoughts then?

thread to breakup from moo vaughn

― sleeve, Tuesday, April 3, 2018 7:00 PM (thirty-one minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Something of a theme lately

Really wish this thread was on 77 tbh 🤐

Also why the fuck can't we seem to get rid of Gabnebb, jesus christ.

One of my favorite things to do is to go to the theater by myself (pre-Netlfix). But this may depend where one lives. I have gone to loads of shows by myself as well, most likely because I never want to stand in the crowd where my friends want to stand anyway so I don't mind standing by myself.

OTM about trying to set up a new routine above. I am a big advocate for finding a class that meets on the regular for something that you would like to learn and that would challenge you. Something that would require an end goal/test for you to accomplish by a a deadline and would require you to study. It makes you really focused everywhere else, if you can can commit to it.

Could we stop interacting with MV?

This is an atrociously wanky sentiment, but you never go to a movie alone, if there’s no-one else there you’re still there with the writers/director.

highly recommend going to a movie alone
i still do it now and then

i mean, its not like you talk to anyone anyway, even if you do go with someone
(unless you are a disgusting savage)
it’s very pleasant & enjoyable imo

I saw a movie by myself yesterday and I was the only person in the theater

It was marvelous

We never got to go to movie theaters growing up, maybe once a year as a treat. So now I am like, fuck yeah!, I get to do what I want, whenever I want, by myself.

chill guys I know it's probably perfectly normal to go to the cinema alone, I just never did it because generally there'd be the occasion of someone else coming along, which is lucky for me I guess :-) thanks though everyone

what movie were you considering?

https://cubecinema.com/programme/event/have-a-nice-day,9996/

ah, a man of taste

I've seen 87 films in a cinema by myself in the last 12 months; in about 80 of those cases it was better than not seeing the films. dl I suggest going to some films that your ex wouldn't have gone to, or would have only gone to in order to keep you company - so the "odd" behaviour has different expectations to what coupled outings were like

think i will. there's a great arthouse cinema right nearby and if anything it would be a good exercise in going things alone

sic what magical cinema do you live nearby that would show that many good films??

you really were a garbage heap weren't you. it's been four months so i've had some time to cool but you just get worse in retrospect. damn i was desperate. you played me and i played you. what a huge lesson on what not to do.

sic what magical cinema do you live nearby that would show that many good films??

off-topic but

in Sydney I lived fifteen minutes walk from Dendy Newtown, effectively the flagship for a chain that used to be an arthouse distributor, and now also run multi-screens showing big new releases with a smattering of indies.

(also half an hour from a major multiplex where I saw one film with a housemate last year, and not far from a pub that showed oddball and cult films on Tuesday nights, where I often went with friends)

I spent a couple of months in LA, where I had intended to live near a single-screen arthouse that operates a yearly subscription plan, but it closed down due to a decade-long sexual harassment situation being reported, in between me buying my ticket and getting on a plane. but I went to a few new releases at the Arclight, and a bunch of double-features and single matinees at the New Beverly, a revival house which only screens on 35mm and 16mm, with $8 double features + opening cartoons every night of the year, plus kids films on weekend afternoons, grindhouse midnights, etc.

(also saw a couple of '40s noirs at LACMA with friends.)

now in Seattle, within 10-30 minutes walk are:

a 16-screen multiplex where every single seat is an electric recliner with cup holders and tray tables [that takes Moviepass]

a 10+-screen multiplex with larger screens but less comfortable seats [takes MP]

-- both the multiplexes have odd runs of French and Japanese and Chinese and Australian and Iranian & al. new releases, and one takes part in national one-day remaster screenings (eg The African Queen, the director's cut of the musical Little Shop Of Horrors, The Dark Crystal, various Ghiblis)

a single-screen revival & rental house (mostly 80s and 90s, US and Japanese) where the seats are all half-booths to which you can order food and booze [MP]

a hand-built, volunteer-run non-profit arthouse with three screens, that runs one-offs, docos, foreign films, mini-festivals and the like [MP]

a Cinerama-capable single screen (one of three in the world) that otherwise has a 90-foot screen and the first commercial laser projection ever installed

a single screen in a 103-year-old theatre that's operated by the Seattle International Film Festival. they've had the likes of Shape Of Water, Death Of Stalin and a touring noir festival recently.

and the Seattle Art Museum, which shows films on Thursday night: just finished a run of Bergmans, now doing a few months of British Hitch talkies

plus 90 minutes walk north (30-50 by bus) is a falling-apart multiscreen that mostly shows new releases, but will also have one-week runs of things like Brian Taylor's recent parents-kill-kids horror comedy with Nic Cage & Selma Blair, Heather Graham's auteurist debut where she has sex with a younger Australian guy, and the latest Haneke. [MP]

90 minutes walk south (20-30 by tram) is a three-screener that mainly shows not BRAND new, but recent months' new releases, and also things like a three-week season of colour Hitchcocks, the Oscar-nommed shorts, odd horror one-offs, Le Roi de Couer (1966), Harold & Maude. This week they've got Purple Rain and Stop Making Sense running. [MP]

The Grand Illusion, a single-screen film-compatible arthouse is a little further north than the above, but I haven't found time to get to anything there. And SIFF operates two other theatres less than an hour's walk, but I've only made it to a six-hour pause-and-discuss screening of MMXXL (to which the director was going to come, but it was on his son's birthday, so he skyped in near the end).

brb, moving to Seattle, realising after 5 years that I never actually go to any of these things.

wow sic that's impressive! seems you're a pretty dedicated cinephile too...

The secret is you need a good repertory cinema nearby. But I think with Øst for Paradis collaborating with Cinemateket, it should be very doable in both Aarhus and Copenhagen.

there's never such a thing as a clean break eh?
a big problem right now is that I currently work with the person I broke up with upthread. turns out, from a text message exchange I had over the weekend, she's still holding out on the possibility of getting back together. She blames her history of anxiety issues on ruining our relationship and thinks that with counselling she can work to fix our relationship. I've tried to be clear that it's more than this, and that my decision is clear.
One of the big issues we had when we were together was a dismissal of my emotional needs (I was always 'being sensitive' or made to feel like I was 'making it all up' if I tried to address problem areas), and once again it feels like my own wishes are not being taken seriously - I don't really mean it when I say I don't want to get back together.
when we broke up, I wasn't quite ready to block her from my Facebook but I did try putting her on my acquaintances list. sure enough, I got asked why I did this and felt a bit silly and put her back on my regular list.
Then, if ever I post anything that might sound positive on FB I get a text saying something like 'glad to see you're having a nice time with your friends while I'm here feeling miserable' or somesuch, naturally not realising that I don't post about the time I nearly sobbed into my breakfast in front of my own dad this weekend etc..
Anyway the moral of the story is: if you break up with someone, even if you think you're able to remain friends in the future, just block them from social media, write down each others numbers, put them in a safe place and delete the number off your phones. Then work out how you're going to share the same piece of office carpet for 40 hours a week.

on the plus side, I've taken this as an opportunity to deactivate my Facebook account* despite really needing social interaction at the moment. I've spent way too much time in the last few weeks moronically scrolling through feeds and posting up every little brainfart I ever had. it's bad for me and it's time to start living life in a more productive way.

*by the way, has anyone tried this? FFS they really don't make it easy do they? I wanted to deactivate my account and it says CATEGORICALLY that you can deactivate Facebook while keeping Messenger going. But after going through the quite rigorous deactivation process and deleting the app, lo and behold after two hours it's magically reappeared on my phone and I've received an email saying that because I logged into Messenger, my Facebook account has been reactivated. What in the fucking fuckety fuck is going on?

once again it feels like my own wishes are not being taken seriously - I don't really mean it when I say I don't want to get back together.

this reads strangely. I should clarify that it's she who doesn't believe I don't want to get back together

While my own experience (see 77) has been remarkably different from yours, I've a friend who's going through something like what you describe DL. Her man just does not accept it's over. She's told him over and over and over and he thinks it's either: a) a power game, b) she's "not in her right mind", c) she has a fear of commitment, d) all of the above etc etc. It's just not getting through! He even said she needs therapy.. Yeah, no.
Her complication being they are living together. He's made no attempt whatsoever at leaving, because he really does not seem to believe she means what she says. He just thinks it's a "phase". Good lord. She's set an ultimatum for him to get out of her house, he's just not doing it. Afraid that can get really ugly.

also facebook screws with you and is the devil and complicates *everything*, break-ups are no exception. I feel you there.

jesus that's a lawyers/big friends/strychnine in the coffee situation

that sounds horrible LBI. jeez I guess I can relate on both sides. when my previous, longer term relationship broke down, it took me a long time to get out of the denial stage. we lived together in a limbonic cohabiting separation for three months before finally moving apart. really hope your friend can get the message through and that her ex sees sense

i stumbled on a podcast today (gotta do something now I'm off FB eh?) which is currently focusing on break ups. A big part of the message for 'dumpers' is their responsibility to be clear as possible without committing a character assassination.
one bit of advice was for them to begin with the things they've enjoyed about the relationship before explaining why their needs are not being fulfilled, which is good advice I guess. Then there was a whole bit about wanting to protect people's feelings and therefore coming off as ambiguous about the break up. it's fine and good advice but all people are different and take these things in completely different ways.

another story in that podcast was about a guy who knocked on his ex girlfriend's door a year after their break up. they'd both been using an app that let's you pay for transactions for other people (so you can pay someone back for a coffee they bought you or something), and unless you mark them as so, these transactions are public. they can also include little comments, emojis etc.
So this guy was like 'I'm still able to see your transactions and it's eating me up because I can see you've bought this Joe guy a breakfast sandwich. I can see you've moved on with your life while I'm here a year later unable to move on with mine'.
Joe was a colleague. There was nothing to this transaction beyond friendship. But this guy had seen the transaction and created a whole narrative in his mind. And then he was bitter at his ex for getting over the breakup before him.
In turn, she felt angry because not only had this guy invented a whole scenario based on a social media transaction, but he had failed to consider the weeks and months where she had cried and felt terrible and sorry for herself post-breakup. She felt as though she'd done the necessary healing and mending work to get back on her feet, while he was blaming her for his inability to do the same.

that sounds horrible LBI. jeez I guess I can relate on both sides. when my previous, longer term relationship broke down, it took me a long time to get out of the denial stage. we lived together in a limbonic cohabiting separation for three months before finally moving apart. really hope your friend can get the message through and that her ex sees sense

Yeah, same here. And I understand it's a tough break after 8 years, but... It's her house, he moved in with her. She's been very strong and adamant about not wanting to leave her home, but is staying with friends this week, just because the toxic atmosphere became too much to bear (and he actually believes she went away this week to "think about things", ie. sees it as a chance she'll come back and say she made a mistake or whatever. Which is def not the case, she explicitly told him she can't stand his ignorance and refusal to LISTEN to her. It's just not getting through. Or he's playing a game himself. If his behaviour doesn't change I too fear lawyers will have to be involved. She tried to avoid it also because he'll be out on the street, and has little to no money, but there's no other way. This has been dragging on for a month now, and he's getting very pass-agg. No joke: yesterday he 'gifted' her a first aid kit, for her to use to 'fix' the relationship. That's when she knew she had to get the hell out of there... o_O)

Strychnine in his cuppa sounds about right. Will see if LJ can hook me up with the Russians.

oh.. God.. Love. If there's one thing that drives people mad huh?