thread to get over a breakup

otm

It would be a terrible idea for Noodle to say anything in the circs, agreed

head up NV

what kept blind-siding me yesterday, keeps blind-siding me tbh, is the things we used to do as a family and the times we shared in love with each other's company. and i had the "is this really the end?" conversation with her 18 months ago, and it's me who needs to remind myself that the situation isn't going to magically change, in fact is probably going to get more finished, at least for her, over time. and any kind of needy, wheedly, "i still miss you" line on my part is really just putting a kind of pressure and a kind of "look how sad you made me" onto her. which she does not deserve.

so when i overlook the reasons that we weren't happy any more just to make it into this "please take me back" scenario well, i'd be lying to everybody, ultimately. i may not feel ready to move on, yet, but i'll deal with that myself and keep remembering that the ship's over the horizon and all i'm sighing after is the smoke.

i don't think you can ever say any version of "i have feelings for you" to someone in a truly neutral way. there's always a secret appeal.

any kind of needy, wheedly, "i still miss you" line on my part is really just putting a kind of pressure and a kind of "look how sad you made me" onto her. which she does not deserve.

from that i think you can deduce what you need to do, and what you should (or shouldn't) say to her.

i knew, i just wanted somebody to agree with me so i didn't lie to myself

<3

been two years since my ex-wife and i separated...for all the craziness i do still miss her sometimes. Its normal. 16 years of my life were spent with her, I'll always miss her regardless of the fact that we aren't together and never will be again. Yeah I'm happy now and in a decent relationship, but yes..its totally normal to still miss your ex.

didn't see the last revive so I want to wish NV all the best and also to take on board everything he says in his well-written post because I am guilty of missing and sad-making and it's not right of me

one of these things I want to do will be easier than the other: all the best, NV

i don't think you can ever say any version of "i have feelings for you" to someone in a truly neutral way. there's always a secret appeal.

― ftraight from ye toppe of my Donne (Noodle Vague), Friday, September 20, 2013 12:30 AM (8 months ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

:(

i was right :(

i hope i can be somebody who gives to this thread now

god knows it took fucken long enough to get over :)

50% think the problems are worth separating over, but maybe 30% of the problems have seen some progress over the past few years, with much tiredness as a result. then other problems arise. how sad is it when base-line compatibility trumps affection and commitment. not sure i can ask for a second chance again and be fair to this person.

aw matt

i think maybe we're all entitled to, or all need, one clear definitive "no"

and its okay to negotiate, before that "no", as long as we're honest?

but after that i couldn't ask again

glad you're past it nv

xp thanks

i feel like i should be the one who gives the "no", that i'm the one who has had one foot in and one foot that can't help but tiptoe away, creating conflict where there shouldn't be any, arbitrary and tiresome conflict based on bad expectations and free-floating resentment. but now it's just sinking in, what i have at stake, that i have actual love at stake, what is actually out there waiting for me away from this (nothing but me). nothing definitive has been said yet, i don't think, at least not sober. it's been a few days, the pain is no longer imminent, and it feels good to be taking a break, staying at a friend's house, to be honest.

and then there's this man who i miss. and care about.

maybe that's the least that you need - just some space from each for a bit? although that can go both ways - you end up missing the routine of the relationship and totally forgetting all the bad stuff and get sucked back in, to your detriment, or you realize that the bad stuff truly isn't a big deal and can be worked through.

yeah

time and space = clarity. not there yet. maybe a few more weeks.

<3 matt

thanks

getting back into dating has been a failure so far. forcing yourself to wonder if you could work with someone feels too absurd after leaving someone with whom that was always obvious. "it will get easier eventually" but how soon is crucial. if life is mostly suffering punctuated by little periods of better, how am i supposed to take comfort in that? how much of an 80 year life has to be dominated by feeling like shit before it's fair to say that it wasn't a good idea in the first place?

forcing yourself to wonder if you could work with someone feels too absurd after leaving someone with whom that was always obvious

I know this feeling well. How long has it been since the breakup?

So I've been in the midst of trying to do a little writing about a breakup from long ago, and this afternoon I went looking through my gmail archives for something. I stumbled on the first emails that old ex and I ever exchanged, where we were talking about how to write about painful experiences, and the advice she gave me then is still good. It feels a little funny to apply it to writing about her.

So yes, tackle that story. It sounds like it will be amazing. It sounds like it might hurt. I walked around in a bad mood the entire time I was writing [a similarly painful story]. The words seep out of the pages, become moods you carry. Let it bring you down. Let it do what it needs to do to you. You'll get back up. You know that.

And--do I want to do something next week? Yes, absolutely.

wow

yeah kind of depth_charge.gif

*thinks of all the relationships gmail has seen*

i mean, *rhinks of all the telationships gmail has seen*

nice save, switching letters guy

So I've been in the midst of trying to do a little writing

ugh what a terrible set of words

met my ex-wife 20 years ago today

:/

you were always so stubbornly against seeing a therapist and now you're dating one

i wish you all the best!

nice.

a+.

you spent five years telling me you were selfish & emotionally unavailable and i kept asking you to love me.

finally figured out that you're emotionally unavailable.

i hope you find somebody that makes you happy.

this hurts considerably less than i expected it to.

have a hug anyway

i made a sandiwch, and then sobbed for half an hour, and then ate my sandwich

and now i kind of feel ok

thanks nv. <3

kinda sandwich?

i'm sorry, hoos.

but maybe you're heading toward a better place now, right?

peanut butter

it was p good

xp

but maybe you're heading toward a better place now, right?

― 1994 ball boy (Karl Malone), Thursday, August 27, 2015 2:23 PM (12 seconds ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

yes, i absolutely am. when the conversation started last night it was on the pretty well-tread ground of "i'm done with not dealing with my drinking problem" "i want to believe you, but you've said that so many times" "i don't need you to believe me. it's just over."

and it felt really good to say that.

yes!

you are heading toward the 'riding toward the sunset with a giant cowboy hat in front of majestic mountains' kind of better place

yeah this gon be gud

all my best hoos

ugh pb

do like mountains tho, head for the mts

"i don't need you to believe me. it's just over."

I can't think of anything more liberating to say/think/feel. GL Hoos

<3 Hoos