thread to get over a breakup

Yeah, that's a good point -- were you the russian prisoner when you two got together? Did she marry you with the idea that she'd "fix" you or clean you up? Fuck that, a relationship partner is not a fixer-upper project.
xpost

and your right its what she perceives as the best for me...not what i see.

i had a few tattoos when we got together and she liked that...as i got older i acquired more and will continue to acquire them, i like them and its basically the only "art" i enjoy.

That "men don't like to grow up" thing is kind of bullshit. Some people have differing tastes / needs as they get older or have kids or whatever, but some really don't. The idea that everyone is going to want to calm down, buy a house in the suburbs, drive their kid to soccer, work some corporate job as they get older is completely wrong.

Different types of maturity, too.

yeah im obviously not the most mature 36 yr old going, but i have my moments. Fact is most of my married friends with kids act just like me....and when we all get together watch out. Our wives love that.

The thing that gets me is that some women in these situations will satisfy all the hallmarks of maturity/stability, but then act like total shits in every other way. Emotional maturity is worth a hell of a lot to me.

thats the thing, my wife isn't emotionally mature at all. sometimes she acts emotionally like a 18 year old.

i find that with people some times.
they reach hard for the typical symbols of maturity yet have none to their personality at all.

(not that that's nec. your wife)

a lot of people say that about my wife that she has no personality. She used to, she sort of lost it when she started this job 7 years ago. She's very rarely fun anymore.

is it because she is a mother now that all fun went out the window?

to turn to the old cliche - maybe she just forgot how to have fun? her job sounds stressful.

try slipping some extacy into her cereal. who knows!

(i'm being silly now because you set the tone with the fireman chick thread)

i tried to get her to smoke some pot with me a few weeks ago and she was all "im a mother".

man.

i think that line might apply to her mentality in more than just the pot smoking situation.

does she genuinely want to be with you, or just some idealized image of you?

imo if she had the cojones to marry the dirtiest dogg in town, she should know how she's got to roll. If you're even half as cool in real life as on ilx, you're a pretty awesome guy, chris.

One of the most OTM things I've read on ILX in years imo.

we talked about this on the sex droughts thread chris & I don't know how much of this is "about" sex, but I'm guessing that's a significant part of it. What you're saying here makes that clearer: post-partum depression is just another reason why she might want to avoid sex now, since there's presumably a chance every time you fuck that you'll spawn again.

I'm not really in a similar situation to you but I can relate, being the same age as you & married with kids for a while now. The one thing I'd say is that it's tough to be a 30-something professional married mother---lots is expected of you, on the job, from your kids, in the sack, & we don't have great models for how to manage all these things. But to get to that point, you kinda gotta learn to be a robot, to balance all that stuff...& I think it's not clear what's left, relationship-wise, after becoming a robot.

xp The problem is not that men don't grow up, the problem is that women are expected to grow up too quickly and too much.

how so?

We're expected to be the Great Moral Leaders, Man Tamers, and Quicker Picker Uppers of the world from the time we turn twelve or so until the time we die.

We're expected to be their MOMS, more like it.

One minute you're footloose and fancy free, next thing you know your husband thinks you're supposed to fetch his cane and help him empty his bedpan, the usual.

xp - this was not my experience.

lovin these generalisations

Yeah, those women, always expecting you to bring home the bacon and buy them fancy jewelry

This isn't the place for the ensuing argument, but I don't necessarily agree with Trayce　＆　Ｃｈｒｉｓｔｉｎｅ’ｓ　ｓｅｎｔｉｍｅｎｔｓ　ａｔ　ａｌｌ．

xps glad to see i'm not alone

i mean, these are messages women receive, and some receive greater pressure from family/peers/etc. to be a certain way. However, our society is not that oppressive such that women have to concede to these "expectations" -- doing so is a choice, and there are other models.

But...but...I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never, never let you forget you're a man.

date a vegetarian or a vegan

ha i always seem to date vegos so i cook my own dern bacon

Haha yeah the last 6 dates I've had have been with veggies somehow

must be a chick thing

xp Right, I wasn't saying that we were forced to act that way at all. It's just a hum in the environment that's louder for some people than others. Now let's get back to working on Chris's problem.

I mean, there are definitely still people looking for a "traditional" american-style 1950s television-fashioned relationship with those female and male roles, but you know what? It's no longer expected that everyone's relationship be like that, it's not held up as an ideal in society, and a lot of dudes either resent the accusation that it's what men want.

Seriously, I have dated women who pretty obviously are seeking this sort of thing and I have no interest in it. For every person who's young I know who has acted like this, though, I can think of a friend in their 50s+ who definitely doesn't live like that.

you know that by posting about it here, you are going to break up w/her?

chris is being pessimistic, I'm hoping we can move him to the girl probs thread in the next few months

Jesus I wasnt serious!

well tbf some of yr bfs trayce *have* seemed to have expected that of you

Yes, they have :/

As a dude that has been in the "rocker boyfriend who freaks out the squares and my parents" boyfriend role more than I can count, you have my sympathies Chris. It is supremely frustrating to have that turned against you, esp when you know that it was part of the driving force that got both of you where you are now. I wish you the best, and counseling is worth the time obv in your situation, but barring actual destructive relationship behaviour you have every right to stick to your guns re: the stuff that makes you you.

barring actual destructive relationship behaviour you have every right to stick to your guns re: the stuff that makes you you.

― O_o-O_0-o_O (jjjusten), Wednesday, February 23, 2011 3:15 AM (5 minutes ago) Bookmark

this is the best advice i have ever heard tbh

i am a vegetarian
i like regular blowjobs

[/meat joke]\

feel for u Chris, man. Not sure I have anything helpful to say, except do what is in your heart, and don't front.

thanks all! it does suck and it is pretty hard, i also think my meds dull my feelings too. i have sort of a flat affect around her, or maybe its just her. I think we will probably end up in a "trial" seperation and see how that goes. Just really sucks because of my son.

does she genuinely want to be with you, or just some idealized image of you?

― sarahel, Tuesday, February 22, 2011 5:18 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark

i think up until recently she wanted to be with me and now wants an idealized image of me. A lot of her friends from her hometown seem to have it all in her eyes, lots of money, nice big houses, husbands who have high paying jobs....etc...etc. I think she fantasizes about that life sometimes even if she tells me that is not her. She knew I wasn't a college type when we met and hell i had a pretty high paying job in the investment industry for years until i got laid off.

Is something in the air these days? Sorry to hear that news, Chris, and I hope you see a clearer way forward soon.

Roxy's opening post to this thread was so inspirational that I made my own list of "Things that are awesome about breaking up" before the break was even final.

1. Never watch the following again: Family Guy, Seinfeld, Frasier, South Park.
2. Never change my name for anyone.
3. Leave the house whenever I want.
4. Not cook for anyone.
5. Not launder for anyone.
6. Live in Brooklyn.
7. Watch Die Hard 2.
8. Work late.
9. Eat hummus for dinner.
10. Cook meat rare.
11. Sleep alone and undisturbed.
12. Ride my bike everywhere.
13. Move the furniture whenever I want.
14. Not speak to anyone all day.

thing is, if you were some regular straight-laced banker dude she'd probably be bored

i hope things work out, chris

p.s. a lot of my married friends are having the same problem :/ :/