The worst noises to hear coming from a bathroom stall in a public restroom

A combination of 2 and 3, accompanied by a strained "aaaahahahaahaarrrgh!!!"

Although I suppose that's preferable to a combination of 3, 5, and 7.

any of these + 7=horror show

dude gross

the worst tho wld probably be the sound of some1 being murdered most likely a voice shouting "help, i'm being murdered!"

"help, i'm being murdered, while i am pooping!"

that would be worse

I seriously just heard someone in the stall at work using toilet paper as if he was using a scouring pad on a skillet. It was very disturbing.

btw since I am not a total creepo who lurks in women's restrooms, what are analogous/additional terrifying noises you will periodically hear from a woman in a stall?

"oh my god, so much BLOOD!"

ps, I'm guessing

You know, there's a lot of stand up types like Tim Allen who've done routines on the unconscious sounds produced by men on the toilet. ANd bcz of this, nothing makes me feel more MANNISH than when I'm in public restroom and I realize I'm like sighing with relief or etc.

Like god would I ever force some wizard to weave for me a spell of public restroom sound cloaking.

I'm now kind of tempted to shout "YAHTZEE" whenever I drop a deuce in a public toilet

"HOT POTATO!"

Bonus points if you sing the Wiggles' "Hot Potato."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBWQCHb95rg

Clearly masturbation noises would be the worst, but I've never encountered that.

After that, groaning.

i have encountered masturbation noises. You know the one. Sounds like someone is shaking a bottle of tippex :/

in a way, they are

I voted for grunting moaning but what i meant was "grunting/moaning accompanied by the occasional 'plip'"

Once many years ago in the tiolets of a pub in Jesmond Newcastle I briefly saw someone cracking one off or appearing to do so through the crack in the not quite shut cubicle door. I had forgotten all about this till I saw this poll. Thank you for that DP you motherfucker!

can there be a BEST noises to hear coming from a bathroom stall in a public restroom?

also, worst thing to SEE when IN a bathroom stall in a public restroom: someone staring intently at you through the crack.

can there be a BEST noises to hear coming from a bathroom stall in a public restroom?

"It's like a rainbow!"

this is the man that banned me, folks

http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2008/10/4/128676494743470796.jpg

"help, i'm being murdered, while i am pooping!"

a little puddle of drool formed on my sweater sleeve from trying not to laugh too hard at this while at my desk at work.

the continuous splash caused by diarrhea + the same guy laughing out loud at his own ass

^^^ heard this once

nothing makes me feel more MANNISH than when I'm in public restroom and I realize I'm like sighing with relief or etc.
http://vimeo.com/154114
^^^ terrible UK TV commercial

The other day I heard a combination of 1 (usually doesn't bother me but this was REALLY wet), 2, and 4 with an intermittent heavy smoker's cough. Somehow the worst part was that I smelled the smoke like 15 seconds later.

I should have numbered these so that people will know which horrifying things are being referenced after the poll results come in.

for posterity:

1. wet and/or prolonged flatulence
2. the series of cascading splashes caused by pebble poop
3. the continuous splash caused by diarrhea
4. grunting/moaning
5. grunting/moaning accompanied by slurping sounds
6. vigorous, audible toilet paper usage
7. the sinister susurration of someone failing to quietly masturbate
8. other (please specify)

for posterity:

for posterior-ity?

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Please Welcome CARROT TOP!"

I agree, if I heard that coming from a bathroom stall I would be terrified

If I ever got hold of a Portal gun, I'd set it so that the "entrance" portal was in the toilet bowl, but the "exit" portal was aimed at an enemy, or maybe a fan, or something.

this is the man that banned me, folks

perhaps if you had been posting entertaining threads instead of running around announcing to all & sundry that you didn't give a shit, as if that were somehow worth saying, then he would have posted to the threads, instead of banning you

I am 100% not saying "lol u" but operating under the assumption that your comment means you actually can't tell the difference here, and under the further assumption that when you have noted the difference, the irony you see in being banned by a guy making this thread thread will dissipate

anybody needs any more needlessly tortured explanations of stuff, just let me know, I'm not always right but I've always got plenty of words

5. grunting/moaning accompanied by slurping sounds

see i can tolerate being in the same restroom with the others (7 maybe an exception) but if i hear this, i'm going to be completely maison_derriere.gif

*plop*

In grad school there was a prof who my wife had the misfortune of overhearing in the department restroom too frequently. It was the grunting/moaning/squishes combo. That gets my vote.

at any rate the poll leaves off my two favorite options, "weeping with occasional mumbled interludes about how unfair life is" and "whoops and hollers"

hahaha I really should have included a "self-pity" option

"my God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me"

vs.

"Release the Kraken"

I am sad when I hear someone sit down and fart the kind of fart you can just tell has been welled-up inside for a long time, because the person was too tight-assed to let one fly more luxuriously in the hall or wherever.

"the worst examples of 20th-century poetry to hear coming from a bathroom stall in a public restroom"

there must be a subgenre of echo-y ringtones that are the worst to be accompanied by moangin/grunting/slurping

"here I sit broken-hearted"

April is the cruelest month, breeding
lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
poops and desire

I start reciting that one DeWolf Hopper style whenever I hear somebody come into the bathroom

that was an xpost, but it didn't really matter

biblical quotes seem tasty for this sort of thing

other (the gentle whirring of a zoom lens)

^^^criminally underrated poster

other - isn't total silence actually more disturbing?

the continuous splash caused by diarrhea + the same guy laughing out loud at his own ass

^^^ heard this once

― caek, Tuesday, April 6, 2010 3:38 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark

tbh i've unexpectedly let out ferocious burbling farts in public bathrooms before and had to suppress laughing or saying stuff like 'oh jesus what in the hell was THAT'

re: biblical margin ads: "Summon the strength of Samson without killing thyself in the gymnasium"

"look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!"
*sound of rubble falling into the toilet*

that'll be ozymandias' labia

and now exude the cumdrops of evermore

One is pretty vulnerable on the toilet so hearing the hiss of a venemous snake or the growl of a lion or the click of someone taking the safety off their gun would trouble me a lot more than flatulence and whatnot. Fortunately, very few large cats wander through the bathrooms I use. The gun-toting snakes are pretty easy to distract.

what about.....cougars ;)

ok guys i'm surprised none of you have said this yet........the snipping of scissors

*faints*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u05Qot_yh9c

*POOPS*

I seriously just heard someone in the stall at work using toilet paper as if he was using a scouring pad on a skillet. It was very disturbing.

THIS.

This happened just this morning in the stall next to me. Vigorous, quick, repeated scratches! Maybe 12-15 distinct strokes.

DJ Jazzy Jeff due for a comeback

What was the scratch he invented?

found it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transform_(scratch)

would it have been more or less disturbing to have the bathroom scratching sync'd to a drum machine?

One is pretty vulnerable on the toilet so hearing the hiss of a venemous snake or the growl of a lion or the click of someone taking the safety off their gun would trouble me a lot more than flatulence and whatnot. Fortunately, very few large cats wander through the bathrooms I use. The gun-toting snakes are pretty easy to distract.

― Il suffit de ne pas l'envier (Michael White), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 22:55 (Yesterday) Bookmark

not a hearing, or a public restroom, but the other day I was at home sitting doing my business when I saw a spider slowly poke its legs out through a hole in the skirting board dead ahead of me, slowly wriggle its way out, then run full steam ahead towards me. I totally, uh, was very scared. Like what the fuck dude. I think it was some kind of metaphor.

Pretty sure I've told this somewhere on ILX before but I don't know where or how to find it but when I worked in England a bunch of us from the office went on a two day trip. The first night we proceeded to get very very drunk in the hotel bar and stories started coming out.

One by one each man present revealed that every day they heard another of our co-workers jerking off in the men's room. He would do this every day immediately after finishing the packed lunch his mother made for him. He was in his 40s. He also slept in the same bed as his mother which is a whole other issue. The day after we got back they were doing a cleaning and rearranging thing with our desks and I had to sit at someone else's for the morning. I was offered the choice of either the masturbator's desk or that belonging to the dude who looked/smelled like he hadn't showered in years. I took the latter. Yeah, we had some real winners in that office. This was, of course, the place where someone once took a shit in the middle of the floor of the men's room.

& so went your time working in the house of lords huh e

Yep, pretty much.

lol

I totally, uh, was very scared.

Well you were in the ideal place to crap yourself...

Man I hate it when you end up in synch with the person in the cubicle next to you. And then they walk out without washing their hands. And it's the person who sits next to you :/

i mean it took us until two days ago to get enbb to her rightful position

Taking her place on the throne, as it were...

Next week:

The worst smells to hear coming from a bathroom stall in a public restroom

The worst smells to smell, obv

Some smells you can hear coming.

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2064/2324143771_4dda2cb757.jpg

Man I hate it when you end up in synch with the person in the cubicle next to you.

I can't stand shitting in stereo. It's an otherworldly experience. My turds smell bad enough on their own without having to get a whiff of my neighbor's anal cupcakes. It's a symphony I really don't want to conduct.

There was this one time this kid was farting absolute wet razor blades in the stall, obviously farts with 'substance'. He was also going "oh man" over and over again so I figured he had a bad case of the shits. Farts get louder and louder, as do his cries, but well ya know that's what stalls are for, right?

So I hear a flush, he leaves the stall....but the wet fart sounds CONTINUE as he leaves the bathroom. So like, did he just poop a little, decide that was enough, and hold the rest in?

Other- hearing a guy in the stall next to mine talking about cutting up someone/harming them in some other way, non-stop.

wtf

I know -I'm hoping it was just revenge-scenario fantasizing and that he didn't end up doing any of those things.

So I hear a flush, he leaves the stall....but the wet fart sounds CONTINUE as he leaves the bathroom.

at first I interpreted this as, "...but the wet fart sounds continued to emanate from the empty stall" & was about to agree with you that yes, disembodied demon sharts are truly the worst noises to hear coming from a bathroom stall in a public restroom.

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3251/3119458386_7719935d02_m.jpg

other--->

your name being whispered

So as of this morning 'a jauntily-whistled tune' has unexpectedly become my answer to the question posed itt.

crying, self-berating panic attack in work jacks

heavy, labored breathing is the one that bothers me the most

keep thinking someone's going to keel over from a heart attack in the next stall

The tinny, muffled responses of someone who is tragically unaware that they're on the phone with someone who is presently defecating.

alternatively, the full volume responses of someone wearing a headset who is responding to a question on a conference call

people who can't help but emit orgasmic groans while shitting should be shot

So as of this morning 'a jauntily-whistled tune' has unexpectedly become my answer to the question posed itt.

Guy in my work used to sing hymns.

I once worked with a woman who used to moan softly. It was so bad we requested they pump music into the bathroom.

Alban Berg's Wozzeck

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The worst noises to hear coming from a bathroom stall in a public restroom

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