The worst noises to hear coming from a bathroom stall in a public restroom

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It's a given that, at some point, you're going to hear something gross coming from a bathroom stall in a public restroom; there's pretty much no way around it. What noise, of the ones you've heard, gross you out the most?

Poll Results

OptionVotes
the sinister susurration of someone failing to quietly masturbate 9
the continuous splash caused by diarrhea 7
wet and/or prolonged flatulence 6
grunting/moaning accompanied by slurping sounds 3
grunting/moaning 2
vigorous, audible toilet paper usage 2
other (please specify) 2
the series of cascading splashes caused by pebble poop 0


Wood shavings! Laughing out loud! (HI DERE), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 19:30 (eight years ago) Permalink

A combination of 2 and 3, accompanied by a strained "aaaahahahaahaarrrgh!!!"

Convenience Fish (snoball), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 19:32 (eight years ago) Permalink

Although I suppose that's preferable to a combination of 3, 5, and 7.

Convenience Fish (snoball), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 19:33 (eight years ago) Permalink

any of these + 7=horror show

Mr. Que, Tuesday, 6 April 2010 19:33 (eight years ago) Permalink

dude gross

f a ole schwarzwelt (Lamp), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 19:35 (eight years ago) Permalink

the worst tho wld probably be the sound of some1 being murdered most likely a voice shouting "help, i'm being murdered!"

f a ole schwarzwelt (Lamp), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 19:36 (eight years ago) Permalink

"help, i'm being murdered, while i am pooping!"

Mr. Que, Tuesday, 6 April 2010 19:39 (eight years ago) Permalink

that would be worse

Mr. Que, Tuesday, 6 April 2010 19:39 (eight years ago) Permalink

I seriously just heard someone in the stall at work using toilet paper as if he was using a scouring pad on a skillet. It was very disturbing.

Wood shavings! Laughing out loud! (HI DERE), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 19:40 (eight years ago) Permalink

btw since I am not a total creepo who lurks in women's restrooms, what are analogous/additional terrifying noises you will periodically hear from a woman in a stall?

Wood shavings! Laughing out loud! (HI DERE), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 19:42 (eight years ago) Permalink

"oh my god, so much BLOOD!"

my full government name (WmC), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 19:43 (eight years ago) Permalink

ps, I'm guessing

my full government name (WmC), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 19:43 (eight years ago) Permalink

You know, there's a lot of stand up types like Tim Allen who've done routines on the unconscious sounds produced by men on the toilet. ANd bcz of this, nothing makes me feel more MANNISH than when I'm in public restroom and I realize I'm like sighing with relief or etc.

how is abbott formed (Abbott), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 19:49 (eight years ago) Permalink

Like god would I ever force some wizard to weave for me a spell of public restroom sound cloaking.

how is abbott formed (Abbott), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 19:50 (eight years ago) Permalink

I'm now kind of tempted to shout "YAHTZEE" whenever I drop a deuce in a public toilet

Wood shavings! Laughing out loud! (HI DERE), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 19:51 (eight years ago) Permalink

"HOT POTATO!"

HOT DISH THYME MACHINE (jjjusten), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 19:55 (eight years ago) Permalink

Bonus points if you sing the Wiggles' "Hot Potato."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBWQCHb95rg

how is abbott formed (Abbott), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 19:57 (eight years ago) Permalink

Clearly masturbation noises would be the worst, but I've never encountered that.

After that, groaning.

a cross between lily allen and fetal alcohol syndrome (milo z), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 19:58 (eight years ago) Permalink

i have encountered masturbation noises. You know the one. Sounds like someone is shaking a bottle of tippex :/

404s & Heartbreak (jim in glasgow), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 19:59 (eight years ago) Permalink

in a way, they are

Wood shavings! Laughing out loud! (HI DERE), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 20:00 (eight years ago) Permalink

I voted for grunting moaning but what i meant was "grunting/moaning accompanied by the occasional 'plip'"

Once many years ago in the tiolets of a pub in Jesmond Newcastle I briefly saw someone cracking one off or appearing to do so through the crack in the not quite shut cubicle door. I had forgotten all about this till I saw this poll. Thank you for that DP you motherfucker!

dead flower :( (Pashmina), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 20:05 (eight years ago) Permalink

can there be a BEST noises to hear coming from a bathroom stall in a public restroom?

peacocks, Tuesday, 6 April 2010 20:15 (eight years ago) Permalink

also, worst thing to SEE when IN a bathroom stall in a public restroom: someone staring intently at you through the crack.

peacocks, Tuesday, 6 April 2010 20:16 (eight years ago) Permalink

can there be a BEST noises to hear coming from a bathroom stall in a public restroom?

"It's like a rainbow!"

Wood shavings! Laughing out loud! (HI DERE), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 20:18 (eight years ago) Permalink

this is the man that banned me, folks

swag surfer blood (Whiney G. Weingarten), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 20:24 (eight years ago) Permalink

"help, i'm being murdered, while i am pooping!"

a little puddle of drool formed on my sweater sleeve from trying not to laugh too hard at this while at my desk at work.

peacocks, Tuesday, 6 April 2010 20:35 (eight years ago) Permalink

the continuous splash caused by diarrhea + the same guy laughing out loud at his own ass

^^^ heard this once

caek, Tuesday, 6 April 2010 20:38 (eight years ago) Permalink

nothing makes me feel more MANNISH than when I'm in public restroom and I realize I'm like sighing with relief or etc.
http://vimeo.com/154114
^^^ terrible UK TV commercial

Convenience Fish (snoball), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 20:44 (eight years ago) Permalink

The other day I heard a combination of 1 (usually doesn't bother me but this was REALLY wet), 2, and 4 with an intermittent heavy smoker's cough. Somehow the worst part was that I smelled the smoke like 15 seconds later.

Fetchboy, Tuesday, 6 April 2010 20:49 (eight years ago) Permalink

I should have numbered these so that people will know which horrifying things are being referenced after the poll results come in.

for posterity:

1. wet and/or prolonged flatulence
2. the series of cascading splashes caused by pebble poop
3. the continuous splash caused by diarrhea
4. grunting/moaning
5. grunting/moaning accompanied by slurping sounds
6. vigorous, audible toilet paper usage
7. the sinister susurration of someone failing to quietly masturbate
8. other (please specify)

Wood shavings! Laughing out loud! (HI DERE), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 20:50 (eight years ago) Permalink

for posterity:

for posterior-ity?

Convenience Fish (snoball), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 20:52 (eight years ago) Permalink

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Please Welcome CARROT TOP!"

Philip Nunez, Tuesday, 6 April 2010 20:53 (eight years ago) Permalink

I agree, if I heard that coming from a bathroom stall I would be terrified

Wood shavings! Laughing out loud! (HI DERE), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 20:54 (eight years ago) Permalink

If I ever got hold of a Portal gun, I'd set it so that the "entrance" portal was in the toilet bowl, but the "exit" portal was aimed at an enemy, or maybe a fan, or something.

Convenience Fish (snoball), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 20:54 (eight years ago) Permalink

this is the man that banned me, folks

perhaps if you had been posting entertaining threads instead of running around announcing to all & sundry that you didn't give a shit, as if that were somehow worth saying, then he would have posted to the threads, instead of banning you

I am 100% not saying "lol u" but operating under the assumption that your comment means you actually can't tell the difference here, and under the further assumption that when you have noted the difference, the irony you see in being banned by a guy making this thread thread will dissipate

anybody needs any more needlessly tortured explanations of stuff, just let me know, I'm not always right but I've always got plenty of words

Twink Will Ferrell (J0hn D.), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 21:04 (eight years ago) Permalink


5. grunting/moaning accompanied by slurping sounds

see i can tolerate being in the same restroom with the others (7 maybe an exception) but if i hear this, i'm going to be completely maison_derriere.gif

hobbes, Tuesday, 6 April 2010 21:11 (eight years ago) Permalink

*plop*

harbl, Tuesday, 6 April 2010 21:17 (eight years ago) Permalink

In grad school there was a prof who my wife had the misfortune of overhearing in the department restroom too frequently. It was the grunting/moaning/squishes combo. That gets my vote.

offshore "drilling" for (Euler), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 21:17 (eight years ago) Permalink

at any rate the poll leaves off my two favorite options, "weeping with occasional mumbled interludes about how unfair life is" and "whoops and hollers"

Twink Will Ferrell (J0hn D.), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 21:18 (eight years ago) Permalink

hahaha I really should have included a "self-pity" option

Wood shavings! Laughing out loud! (HI DERE), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 21:21 (eight years ago) Permalink

"my God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me"

vs.

"Release the Kraken"

Mr. Que, Tuesday, 6 April 2010 21:21 (eight years ago) Permalink

I am sad when I hear someone sit down and fart the kind of fart you can just tell has been welled-up inside for a long time, because the person was too tight-assed to let one fly more luxuriously in the hall or wherever.

offshore "drilling" for (Euler), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 21:22 (eight years ago) Permalink

"the worst examples of 20th-century poetry to hear coming from a bathroom stall in a public restroom"

Twink Will Ferrell (J0hn D.), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 21:22 (eight years ago) Permalink

there must be a subgenre of echo-y ringtones that are the worst to be accompanied by moangin/grunting/slurping

Philip Nunez, Tuesday, 6 April 2010 21:24 (eight years ago) Permalink

"here I sit broken-hearted"

offshore "drilling" for (Euler), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 21:24 (eight years ago) Permalink

April is the cruelest month, breeding
lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
poops and desire

Mr. Que, Tuesday, 6 April 2010 21:28 (eight years ago) Permalink

I start reciting that one DeWolf Hopper style whenever I hear somebody come into the bathroom

Twink Will Ferrell (J0hn D.), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 21:30 (eight years ago) Permalink

that was an xpost, but it didn't really matter

Twink Will Ferrell (J0hn D.), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 21:30 (eight years ago) Permalink

biblical quotes seem tasty for this sort of thing

Philip Nunez, Tuesday, 6 April 2010 21:35 (eight years ago) Permalink

the NIV version also has advertisements in the margins iirc

Twink Will Ferrell (J0hn D.), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 22:42 (eight years ago) Permalink

Haha I would love for God to tell someone to "sack up," esp. in the middle of a life crisis.

how is abbott formed (Abbott), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 22:42 (eight years ago) Permalink

other (the gentle whirring of a zoom lens)

puff puff post (uh oh I'm having a fantasy), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 22:45 (eight years ago) Permalink

^^^criminally underrated poster

uh is that miseplled? (acoleuthic), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 22:45 (eight years ago) Permalink

other - isn't total silence actually more disturbing?

Convenience Fish (snoball), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 22:48 (eight years ago) Permalink

the continuous splash caused by diarrhea + the same guy laughing out loud at his own ass

^^^ heard this once

― caek, Tuesday, April 6, 2010 3:38 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark

tbh i've unexpectedly let out ferocious burbling farts in public bathrooms before and had to suppress laughing or saying stuff like 'oh jesus what in the hell was THAT'

drink more beer and the doctor is a heghog (gbx), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 22:48 (eight years ago) Permalink

re: biblical margin ads: "Summon the strength of Samson without killing thyself in the gymnasium"

Philip Nunez, Tuesday, 6 April 2010 22:49 (eight years ago) Permalink

"look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!"
*sound of rubble falling into the toilet*

drink more beer and the doctor is a heghog (gbx), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 22:51 (eight years ago) Permalink

that'll be ozymandias' labia

uh is that miseplled? (acoleuthic), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 22:54 (eight years ago) Permalink

and now exude the cumdrops of evermore

uh is that miseplled? (acoleuthic), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 22:54 (eight years ago) Permalink

One is pretty vulnerable on the toilet so hearing the hiss of a venemous snake or the growl of a lion or the click of someone taking the safety off their gun would trouble me a lot more than flatulence and whatnot. Fortunately, very few large cats wander through the bathrooms I use. The gun-toting snakes are pretty easy to distract.

Il suffit de ne pas l'envier (Michael White), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 22:55 (eight years ago) Permalink

what about.....cougars ;)

drink more beer and the doctor is a heghog (gbx), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 22:56 (eight years ago) Permalink

ok guys i'm surprised none of you have said this yet........the snipping of scissors

uh is that miseplled? (acoleuthic), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 22:57 (eight years ago) Permalink

*faints*

drink more beer and the doctor is a heghog (gbx), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 23:01 (eight years ago) Permalink

I seriously just heard someone in the stall at work using toilet paper as if he was using a scouring pad on a skillet. It was very disturbing.

THIS.

This happened just this morning in the stall next to me. Vigorous, quick, repeated scratches! Maybe 12-15 distinct strokes.

biologically wrong (Z S), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 23:10 (eight years ago) Permalink

DJ Jazzy Jeff due for a comeback

Philip Nunez, Tuesday, 6 April 2010 23:13 (eight years ago) Permalink

What was the scratch he invented?

Philip Nunez, Tuesday, 6 April 2010 23:14 (eight years ago) Permalink

found it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transform_(scratch)

would it have been more or less disturbing to have the bathroom scratching sync'd to a drum machine?

Philip Nunez, Tuesday, 6 April 2010 23:18 (eight years ago) Permalink

One is pretty vulnerable on the toilet so hearing the hiss of a venemous snake or the growl of a lion or the click of someone taking the safety off their gun would trouble me a lot more than flatulence and whatnot. Fortunately, very few large cats wander through the bathrooms I use. The gun-toting snakes are pretty easy to distract.

― Il suffit de ne pas l'envier (Michael White), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 22:55 (Yesterday) Bookmark

not a hearing, or a public restroom, but the other day I was at home sitting doing my business when I saw a spider slowly poke its legs out through a hole in the skirting board dead ahead of me, slowly wriggle its way out, then run full steam ahead towards me. I totally, uh, was very scared. Like what the fuck dude. I think it was some kind of metaphor.

FC Tom Tomsk Club (Merdeyeux), Wednesday, 7 April 2010 00:20 (eight years ago) Permalink

Pretty sure I've told this somewhere on ILX before but I don't know where or how to find it but when I worked in England a bunch of us from the office went on a two day trip. The first night we proceeded to get very very drunk in the hotel bar and stories started coming out.

One by one each man present revealed that every day they heard another of our co-workers jerking off in the men's room. He would do this every day immediately after finishing the packed lunch his mother made for him. He was in his 40s. He also slept in the same bed as his mother which is a whole other issue. The day after we got back they were doing a cleaning and rearranging thing with our desks and I had to sit at someone else's for the morning. I was offered the choice of either the masturbator's desk or that belonging to the dude who looked/smelled like he hadn't showered in years. I took the latter. Yeah, we had some real winners in that office. This was, of course, the place where someone once took a shit in the middle of the floor of the men's room.

Aqua Backrat (ENBB), Wednesday, 7 April 2010 02:30 (eight years ago) Permalink

& so went your time working in the house of lords huh e

f a ole schwarzwelt (Lamp), Wednesday, 7 April 2010 02:37 (eight years ago) Permalink

Yep, pretty much.

Aqua Backrat (ENBB), Wednesday, 7 April 2010 02:45 (eight years ago) Permalink

lol

latebloomer, Wednesday, 7 April 2010 04:04 (eight years ago) Permalink

I totally, uh, was very scared.

Well you were in the ideal place to crap yourself...

Convenience Fish (snoball), Wednesday, 7 April 2010 09:29 (eight years ago) Permalink

Man I hate it when you end up in synch with the person in the cubicle next to you. And then they walk out without washing their hands. And it's the person who sits next to you :/

the big pink suede panda bear hurts (ledge), Wednesday, 7 April 2010 10:05 (eight years ago) Permalink

i mean it took us until two days ago to get enbb to her rightful position

Jesse James Woods (darraghmac), Wednesday, 7 April 2010 10:34 (eight years ago) Permalink

Taking her place on the throne, as it were...

Convenience Fish (snoball), Wednesday, 7 April 2010 11:02 (eight years ago) Permalink

Next week:

The worst smells to hear coming from a bathroom stall in a public restroom

can it compete with the wagon wheel (Eazy), Wednesday, 7 April 2010 13:20 (eight years ago) Permalink

The worst smells to smell, obv

can it compete with the wagon wheel (Eazy), Wednesday, 7 April 2010 13:20 (eight years ago) Permalink

Some smells you can hear coming.

Convenience Fish (snoball), Wednesday, 7 April 2010 13:44 (eight years ago) Permalink

Man I hate it when you end up in synch with the person in the cubicle next to you.

I can't stand shitting in stereo. It's an otherworldly experience. My turds smell bad enough on their own without having to get a whiff of my neighbor's anal cupcakes. It's a symphony I really don't want to conduct.

Phoenix in Flight (Cattle Grind), Friday, 9 April 2010 03:28 (eight years ago) Permalink

There was this one time this kid was farting absolute wet razor blades in the stall, obviously farts with 'substance'. He was also going "oh man" over and over again so I figured he had a bad case of the shits. Farts get louder and louder, as do his cries, but well ya know that's what stalls are for, right?

So I hear a flush, he leaves the stall....but the wet fart sounds CONTINUE as he leaves the bathroom. So like, did he just poop a little, decide that was enough, and hold the rest in?

Phoenix in Flight (Cattle Grind), Friday, 9 April 2010 11:50 (eight years ago) Permalink

Other- hearing a guy in the stall next to mine talking about cutting up someone/harming them in some other way, non-stop.

RR, Friday, 9 April 2010 17:10 (eight years ago) Permalink

wtf

Wood shavings! Laughing out loud! (HI DERE), Friday, 9 April 2010 17:11 (eight years ago) Permalink

I know -I'm hoping it was just revenge-scenario fantasizing and that he didn't end up doing any of those things.

RR, Friday, 9 April 2010 17:17 (eight years ago) Permalink

So I hear a flush, he leaves the stall....but the wet fart sounds CONTINUE as he leaves the bathroom.

at first I interpreted this as, "...but the wet fart sounds continued to emanate from the empty stall" & was about to agree with you that yes, disembodied demon sharts are truly the worst noises to hear coming from a bathroom stall in a public restroom.

broa super (unregistered), Friday, 9 April 2010 17:20 (eight years ago) Permalink

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

System, Monday, 19 April 2010 23:01 (eight years ago) Permalink

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

System, Tuesday, 20 April 2010 23:01 (eight years ago) Permalink

other--->

your name being whispered

just darraghmac tbh (darraghmac), Wednesday, 21 April 2010 10:34 (eight years ago) Permalink

eight years pass...

So as of this morning 'a jauntily-whistled tune' has unexpectedly become my answer to the question posed itt.

A functioning gazebo made of Candlebox cassingles (Old Lunch), Monday, 18 February 2019 17:54 (one month ago) Permalink

crying, self-berating panic attack in work jacks

ɪmˈpəʊzɪŋ (darraghmac), Monday, 18 February 2019 18:34 (one month ago) Permalink

heavy, labored breathing is the one that bothers me the most

keep thinking someone's going to keel over from a heart attack in the next stall

mh, Tuesday, 19 February 2019 19:45 (one month ago) Permalink

The tinny, muffled responses of someone who is tragically unaware that they're on the phone with someone who is presently defecating.

A functioning gazebo made of Candlebox cassingles (Old Lunch), Tuesday, 19 February 2019 19:49 (one month ago) Permalink

alternatively, the full volume responses of someone wearing a headset who is responding to a question on a conference call

mh, Tuesday, 19 February 2019 19:50 (one month ago) Permalink

people who can't help but emit orgasmic groans while shitting should be shot

( ͡☉ ͜ʖ ͡☉) (jim in vancouver), Tuesday, 19 February 2019 19:56 (one month ago) Permalink

So as of this morning 'a jauntily-whistled tune' has unexpectedly become my answer to the question posed itt.

Guy in my work used to sing hymns.

Wee boats wobble but they don't fall down (Tom D.), Tuesday, 19 February 2019 20:04 (one month ago) Permalink

I once worked with a woman who used to moan softly. It was so bad we requested they pump music into the bathroom.

Benson and the Jets (ENBB), Tuesday, 19 February 2019 21:58 (one month ago) Permalink


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