Are you good at performing oral sex?

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I know you can't get quantitative evidence on this but we can go for quantitative.

Poll Results

OptionVotes
I have been told consistently and sincerely that I am a giver of awesome head 26
I have been told I give good head but I am underconfident that this is true 15
I can never get people to climax but they enjoy it as an appetizer 6
Never done it due to lack of opportunity 4
I would like to bear my testimony that, by my own account, I give awesome head 3
I suck at sucking 3
I have been told I need practice 1
People don't like it bcz I have no idea how to get my teeth out of the goddamn way 0
The idea of giving oral sex really revolts me 0


a muttering inbred (called) (not named) (Abbott), Monday, 3 August 2009 22:57 (eleven years ago) link

Why is the advice always 'put your finger up their butthole – they will love it!'

a muttering inbred (called) (not named) (Abbott), Monday, 3 August 2009 22:59 (eleven years ago) link

As a hitherto exclusively cunnilingual head-giver I feel uncomfortable answering this poll. Certainly my experiences have been good, but I feel I'd need to bite schlong before an accurate self-assessment could form. I shall have to assume my attributes are transferable.

hello you are very gnocchi i would like taco you in the (country matters), Monday, 3 August 2009 23:11 (eleven years ago) link

Why is the advice always 'put your finger up their butthole – they will love it!'

because sometimes they do?

free jazz and mumia (sarahel), Monday, 3 August 2009 23:12 (eleven years ago) link

People don't like it bcz I have no idea how to get my teeth out of the goddamn way

people can't figure this out?

free jazz and mumia (sarahel), Monday, 3 August 2009 23:16 (eleven years ago) link

The thing is the advice suggests the butthole is the magic lock to orgasm magic & your finger is the key...and (conversely) you can get yrself in a lot of trouble if the butthole-owner panics when it is touched.

The moral is: sex advice is not universal (except, I wld say, "ask first" and "say if you don't like something").

a muttering inbred (called) (not named) (Abbott), Monday, 3 August 2009 23:20 (eleven years ago) link

btw I mean oral sex here either w/a male or female partner, ain't taking sides here

a muttering inbred (called) (not named) (Abbott), Monday, 3 August 2009 23:21 (eleven years ago) link

exactly ... the butthole thing is presented as universal, similar to "all women love receiving oral sex" ... when it isn't universal.

free jazz and mumia (sarahel), Monday, 3 August 2009 23:22 (eleven years ago) link

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/onionmagazine_archive_56a.jpg

^^ please stay away from me k tnx bye

a being that goes on two legs and is ungrateful (dyao), Monday, 3 August 2009 23:25 (eleven years ago) link

No way I'm using my regular sn for this one but, I've been told by erm, more than one person, that I gave the best head they ever received so voted "I have been told consistently and sincerely that I am a giver of awesome head". I really enjoy doing it so I think that's maybe why I guess I do it really well? I'm talking fellatio here but I've also gone down on a couple girls although not sure if I'm as skilled at that. I think the reason I enjoy doing it is because it's just amazingly empowering to make someone feel that awesome.

nowaynohow, Tuesday, 4 August 2009 00:51 (eleven years ago) link

I don't want to brag, but I've received compliments from several different people, and I have no reason to doubt them, so I have to choose the first option.

Tuomas, Tuesday, 4 August 2009 08:59 (eleven years ago) link

Inside - How legalization took the fun out of sodomy

Le présent se dégrade, d'abord en histoire, puis en (Michael White), Thursday, 6 August 2009 14:15 (eleven years ago) link

and I have no reason to doubt them

obviously they weren't mods!

Amateur Darraghmatics (darraghmac), Thursday, 6 August 2009 14:18 (eleven years ago) link

I don't want to brag

Whereas I totally do.

Le présent se dégrade, d'abord en histoire, puis en (Michael White), Thursday, 6 August 2009 14:20 (eleven years ago) link

This is the TMI board. Brag away.

This is something I am really, really good at.

Black bread and Victory gin AGAIN? (kenan), Thursday, 6 August 2009 14:28 (eleven years ago) link

I have in the past thought that I could not get any better at it, but I was so wrong.

Black bread and Victory gin AGAIN? (kenan), Thursday, 6 August 2009 14:30 (eleven years ago) link

What's the correct voting option for 'I have been told I give good head and I am also confident that this is true'?

cockles (country matters), Thursday, 6 August 2009 14:32 (eleven years ago) link

The first one.

Black bread and Victory gin AGAIN? (kenan), Thursday, 6 August 2009 14:34 (eleven years ago) link

Next poll: Are you good at performing oral sex...on a train?

Le présent se dégrade, d'abord en histoire, puis en (Michael White), Thursday, 6 August 2009 14:34 (eleven years ago) link

get this motherfucking sex off my motherfucking train

cockles (country matters), Thursday, 6 August 2009 14:35 (eleven years ago) link

You have that backwards, I think

Black bread and Victory gin AGAIN? (kenan), Thursday, 6 August 2009 14:37 (eleven years ago) link

Would you, could you,
in the rain?

I would not, could not, in the rain.
Not in the dark. Not on a train,
Not in a car, Not in a tree.
I do not like it, Sam, you see.
Not in a house. Not in a box.
Not with a mouse. Not with a fox.
I will not lick you here or there.
I do not like it anywhere!

Mornington Crescent (Ed), Thursday, 6 August 2009 14:37 (eleven years ago) link

Ok I'll give you the mouse and the fox bit. That's pretty out there.

Black bread and Victory gin AGAIN? (kenan), Thursday, 6 August 2009 14:39 (eleven years ago) link

As someone who was a child in the 70's, I would totally do it with a fox.

Le présent se dégrade, d'abord en histoire, puis en (Michael White), Thursday, 6 August 2009 14:43 (eleven years ago) link

...a Samantha Fox!

cockles (country matters), Thursday, 6 August 2009 14:45 (eleven years ago) link

I eat the fucking fuck out of Linda Carter, if that's what you mean.

Black bread and Victory gin AGAIN? (kenan), Thursday, 6 August 2009 14:47 (eleven years ago) link

I would, I should say.

Sorry, lost in the moment.

Black bread and Victory gin AGAIN? (kenan), Thursday, 6 August 2009 14:48 (eleven years ago) link

any broad who sticks a digit in my crapper is getting it snapped off by my vise-like clenched anus

a narwhal done gored my sister nell (cankles), Thursday, 6 August 2009 14:48 (eleven years ago) link

Sexist.

Black bread and Victory gin AGAIN? (kenan), Thursday, 6 August 2009 14:49 (eleven years ago) link

^^^^_^^^^

cockles (country matters), Thursday, 6 August 2009 14:50 (eleven years ago) link

any broad who sticks a digit in my crapper is getting it snapped off by my vise-like clenched anus

That might dampen her ardor a tad, no?

Le présent se dégrade, d'abord en histoire, puis en (Michael White), Thursday, 6 August 2009 14:50 (eleven years ago) link

The snapping off is metaphorical, the vice-like clenching is literal, and the soiling of the ceiling is curiously unmentioned.

Black bread and Victory gin AGAIN? (kenan), Thursday, 6 August 2009 14:52 (eleven years ago) link

"snapped off" could read like some sort of delicious manual euphemism

cockles (country matters), Thursday, 6 August 2009 14:52 (eleven years ago) link

It might make her bite down. (xxp)

Hugh Manatee (WmC), Thursday, 6 August 2009 14:53 (eleven years ago) link

Yeah, that would NOT be optimal

Le présent se dégrade, d'abord en histoire, puis en (Michael White), Thursday, 6 August 2009 14:54 (eleven years ago) link

oh god

ENBB, Thursday, 6 August 2009 15:04 (eleven years ago) link

Now I've got "everybody loves a little headman" stuck in my head and I've been trying all afternoon to get it out.

I don't think I've ever dated a man who didn't somehow believe he was AMAZING INCREDIBLE A#1 at head. And refused to accept the fact that I didn't like it. They'd be all "oh no, you'll LOVE it the way I do it" and then you have to go through the ignomy of trying to figure out... OK, wow, will they be really upset if I tell them that nope, still don't enjoy it - or should I lie and say it's great, which will save their ego, but it means I'll have to put up with that awful horrible snuffling around down there for the rest of the relationship...

Christ. This makes me so not miss sex at all.

seni seviyorum / senden nefret ediyorum (Masonic Boom), Thursday, 6 August 2009 15:05 (eleven years ago) link

haha I believe you, Kate. Frankly, I don't go crazy for blowjobs myself, even though I've had all kinds, both ineffective and extremely effective. Whatever, I'd rather have more time and more full-body contact than just a blown load and a nap. I understand from what I hear that this puts me in somewhat of a minority.

Black bread and Victory gin AGAIN? (kenan), Thursday, 6 August 2009 15:17 (eleven years ago) link

Wow I am normally not at all shy when it comes to TMI stuff but let's just say I really appreciate the wise poster who logged out before posting on this particular thread.

ENBB, Thursday, 6 August 2009 15:18 (eleven years ago) link

That doesn't mean I won't keep reading of course.

ENBB, Thursday, 6 August 2009 15:19 (eleven years ago) link

So will I. Someone else say something. It's not my turn anymore.

Black bread and Victory gin AGAIN? (kenan), Thursday, 6 August 2009 15:21 (eleven years ago) link

Does that mean you appreciate them because you can identify with their position? xp

I only rarely come from oral, fact fans. Normally there has to be a whole lot of manual action augmenting it. Only truly out-of-this-world oral gets me off, but it's worth it when it happens. Otherwise it's just like wanking (or being wanked) into their mouth and while this is usually still hot'n'happening for both parties, it's not proper fellatio.

cockles (country matters), Thursday, 6 August 2009 15:24 (eleven years ago) link

This is probably tmi, too, but even if a girl couldn't come from getting head, I'd probably ask her if I could give her some anyway. No cunnilingus would be a bit of a deal breaker for me.

Le présent se dégrade, d'abord en histoire, puis en (Michael White), Thursday, 6 August 2009 15:25 (eleven years ago) link

Louis - ┐('~`;)┌

ENBB, Thursday, 6 August 2009 15:32 (eleven years ago) link

Mwhite OTM

Fetchboy, Thursday, 6 August 2009 15:35 (eleven years ago) link

I don't want to brag

Whereas I totally do.

― Le présent se dégrade, d'abord en histoire, puis en (Michael White)

me too.

where we turn sweet dreams into remarkable realities (just1n3), Thursday, 6 August 2009 15:39 (eleven years ago) link

Louis, I think "it's just like wanking (or being wanked) into their mouth" pretty much describes what a blowjob is. What did you think it was? Was it like, "Look ma, no hands!" and bobbing up and down on your dick like a penguin or something? No, that doesn't work for anyone.

Black bread and Victory gin AGAIN? (kenan), Thursday, 6 August 2009 15:40 (eleven years ago) link

It has actually worked, once. I'm talking about when the hand motions (mine or theirs) are so vigorous they completely outshine the oral aspects. When it's largely the mouth bringing pleasure, a rare delight is discovered.

cockles (country matters), Thursday, 6 August 2009 15:44 (eleven years ago) link

If you think there's a right and a wrong way to cum... well, what can one say? Stop thinking that.

Black bread and Victory gin AGAIN? (kenan), Thursday, 6 August 2009 15:46 (eleven years ago) link

It's not a right or a wrong way, just that one feels a bit more organic and natural not to mention pleasurable during the actual act rather than the fruition anyway gah I am no longer in the mood, enough

cockles (country matters), Thursday, 6 August 2009 15:48 (eleven years ago) link

Just remember, it doesn't make any difference whether you put the handle bar in your mouth or not before you jump on.

Le présent se dégrade, d'abord en histoire, puis en (Michael White), Friday, 7 August 2009 21:24 (eleven years ago) link

After all the smutty jokes I was making about sucking the creme out of profiterols to get me through this afternoon... nope, it's all gone. Even the silky mouthfeel of teabagging. Gone.

seni seviyorum / senden nefret ediyorum (Masonic Boom), Friday, 7 August 2009 21:32 (eleven years ago) link

Can't say I ever really expected bicyles, teabagging and profiteroles to all figure into a conversation, tbh.

Le présent se dégrade, d'abord en histoire, puis en (Michael White), Friday, 7 August 2009 21:46 (eleven years ago) link

thing is, these last dozen or so posts are far more innocuous than yesterday's contributions to this thread.

free jazz and mumia (sarahel), Friday, 7 August 2009 21:50 (eleven years ago) link

because you are posting less now iirc

❊❁❄❆❇❃✴❈plaxico❈✴❃❇❆❄❁❊ (I know, right?), Friday, 7 August 2009 21:52 (eleven years ago) link

Yeah, guess we took off our superbowl rings...

Le présent se dégrade, d'abord en histoire, puis en (Michael White), Friday, 7 August 2009 21:52 (eleven years ago) link

because you are posting less now iirc

I was solely responsible, yes.

free jazz and mumia (sarahel), Friday, 7 August 2009 21:54 (eleven years ago) link

it probably feels good to have that off your milk aisle

❊❁❄❆❇❃✴❈plaxico❈✴❃❇❆❄❁❊ (I know, right?), Friday, 7 August 2009 21:55 (eleven years ago) link

soon as lj gets back from the pub this thread will once again rear it's ugly head

Mr. Que, Friday, 7 August 2009 21:56 (eleven years ago) link

Milk aisle?

Le présent se dégrade, d'abord en histoire, puis en (Michael White), Friday, 7 August 2009 21:56 (eleven years ago) link

nick; does katy perry say something about the milk aisle in this song
joe; yes she's talking about the soft place between her boobs

― don't try to church it up (nickalicious), Thursday, August 6, 2009 10:07 PM (Yesterday)

❊❁❄❆❇❃✴❈plaxico❈✴❃❇❆❄❁❊ (I know, right?), Friday, 7 August 2009 21:58 (eleven years ago) link

fyi i'm tryin to make "milk aisle" "happen"

❊❁❄❆❇❃✴❈plaxico❈✴❃❇❆❄❁❊ (I know, right?), Friday, 7 August 2009 21:59 (eleven years ago) link

Ah, one learns something new every day.

Le présent se dégrade, d'abord en histoire, puis en (Michael White), Friday, 7 August 2009 21:59 (eleven years ago) link

sb between t's?

free jazz and mumia (sarahel), Friday, 7 August 2009 22:02 (eleven years ago) link

not now sugartits

❊❁❄❆❇❃✴❈plaxico❈✴❃❇❆❄❁❊ (I know, right?), Friday, 7 August 2009 22:03 (eleven years ago) link

I think "milk aisle" does have promise.

free jazz and mumia (sarahel), Friday, 7 August 2009 22:05 (eleven years ago) link

milk aisle at my local supermarket always smells v bad : (

❊❁❄❆❇❃✴❈plaxico❈✴❃❇❆❄❁❊ (I know, right?), Friday, 7 August 2009 22:06 (eleven years ago) link

is that how guys refer to their women where you live?

free jazz and mumia (sarahel), Friday, 7 August 2009 22:11 (eleven years ago) link

yeah cept they wouldn't say "their women" cos that's hella sexist

❊❁❄❆❇❃✴❈plaxico❈✴❃❇❆❄❁❊ (I know, right?), Friday, 7 August 2009 22:13 (eleven years ago) link

y'know, not everyone in Oakland says "hella" ... the band by that name is great, though. Zach Hill is the best thing about it.

free jazz and mumia (sarahel), Friday, 7 August 2009 22:30 (eleven years ago) link

it's a pretty awesome album. He has really amazing kick drum technique.

free jazz and mumia (sarahel), Friday, 7 August 2009 22:33 (eleven years ago) link

it is his "thing"

❊❁❄❆❇❃✴❈plaxico❈✴❃❇❆❄❁❊ (I know, right?), Friday, 7 August 2009 22:35 (eleven years ago) link

predicting huge landslide for option 1, you smug bastards

genereal disease (jjjusten), Friday, 7 August 2009 22:36 (eleven years ago) link

need to find speakers now to play this, btw Sarahel you have awesome taste in music

❊❁❄❆❇❃✴❈plaxico❈✴❃❇❆❄❁❊ (I know, right?), Friday, 7 August 2009 22:38 (eleven years ago) link

see, most people, when they watch him play, seem to focus on what he's doing with his hands/arms ... (granted it's the most visible from a standard audience position). A lot of what he's doing are variations of paradiddles and double paradiddles, etc. His kick drum technique is a lot "harder" ... I've seen plenty of drummers that can't do what he does, even with a double bass pedal.

free jazz and mumia (sarahel), Friday, 7 August 2009 22:38 (eleven years ago) link

could only tell from utube vids because I live in ireland land of no awesome loud rock shows : (

❊❁❄❆❇❃✴❈plaxico❈✴❃❇❆❄❁❊ (I know, right?), Friday, 7 August 2009 22:47 (eleven years ago) link

there's a hella dvd with a lot of concert footage, but the only part that shows his footwork is a brief bit at a show where he injures his ankle. My friend lent it to me. It was very long, and I wasn't paying attention when he said "skip the first hour and a half."

free jazz and mumia (sarahel), Friday, 7 August 2009 22:51 (eleven years ago) link

lol, when I first got into Lightning Bolt, I read about how their shows were really insane and really short and I used to try to recreate the atmosphere of being at one of their shows by listening to Dracula Mtn at full volume in my room really loudly with the lights out and jump around a lot until I was out of breath which took around 15 mins, so I have a short but passionate attention span (aka 2hr Hella doc don't seem so intrstng all in one go imo)

❊❁❄❆❇❃✴❈plaxico❈✴❃❇❆❄❁❊ (I know, right?), Friday, 7 August 2009 22:57 (eleven years ago) link

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

System, Friday, 7 August 2009 23:01 (eleven years ago) link

see, most people, when they watch him play, seem to focus on what he's doing with his hands/arms ... (granted it's the most visible from a standard audience position). A lot of what he's doing are variations of 'paradiddles' and 'double paradiddles', etc. His 'kick drum' technique is a lot "harder" ... I've seen plenty of 'drummers' that can't do what he does, even with a 'double bass pedal'.

― free jazz and mumia (sarahel), Friday, 7 August 2009 23:38 (18 minutes ago) Bookmark

one slight amendment

cockles (country matters), Friday, 7 August 2009 23:01 (eleven years ago) link

also now i will be more confident gloryholing at a world FAP

cockles (country matters), Friday, 7 August 2009 23:02 (eleven years ago) link

LJ, what the fuck was the amendment? also, wow

❊❁❄❆❇❃✴❈plaxico❈✴❃❇❆❄❁❊ (I know, right?), Friday, 7 August 2009 23:03 (eleven years ago) link

the introduction of quotation marks to make it more on-topic, also XD

cockles (country matters), Friday, 7 August 2009 23:04 (eleven years ago) link

xp - seriously, there are plenty of good drummers, no quotation marks needed, that can't play what he does on the kick drum. Granted, double bass is a different animal, especially because of balance issues ... unless your quotation marks are for the purpose of innuendo.

free jazz and mumia (sarahel), Friday, 7 August 2009 23:05 (eleven years ago) link

I like the idea of this thread encompassing topics from every other ilx subboard ...

free jazz and mumia (sarahel), Friday, 7 August 2009 23:06 (eleven years ago) link

it was a slightly clumsy gag, especially coming at this thread's climax, kinda fluffed the crucial moment tbh

cockles (country matters), Friday, 7 August 2009 23:08 (eleven years ago) link

.... so, the gag reflex ... anyone?

free jazz and mumia (sarahel), Friday, 7 August 2009 23:09 (eleven years ago) link

the teeth thing is not nearly as much of a challenge as the gag reflex.

free jazz and mumia (sarahel), Friday, 7 August 2009 23:10 (eleven years ago) link

Wow, so people on this board think they're so damn excellent at oral. Wonder what the results would be if we actually got their historical partners to vote instead of them. ha ha.

Now come on, on a thread about oral sex, I don't understand why bicycles came up, but seriously - teabagging and profiterols are totally on topic.

seni seviyorum / senden nefret ediyorum (Masonic Boom), Saturday, 8 August 2009 08:04 (eleven years ago) link

aw man, this thread had to happen in the like only 5 days this summer i've not been here d'oh.

don't try to church it up (nickalicious), Saturday, 8 August 2009 13:49 (eleven years ago) link

ha, IN THE MILK AISLE!!!!!!

don't try to church it up (nickalicious), Saturday, 8 August 2009 13:49 (eleven years ago) link

i don't feel like it's that hard to get a girl off fwiw; like, okay here's the clit, toss around a couple tongue/mouth variables etc and before you know it you've got ladyjuice dripping out yr beard

don't try to church it up (nickalicious), Saturday, 8 August 2009 13:52 (eleven years ago) link

to be fair though i was terrible at it before i went out with a girl who was sort of a bitch about it until i started getting it right

don't try to church it up (nickalicious), Saturday, 8 August 2009 13:55 (eleven years ago) link

Ha, these results. ILX: cocky and underconfident.

chillbigail ate a chill banana (Abbott), Tuesday, 11 August 2009 00:50 (eleven years ago) link

If the "instructional" video I saw the other day is any indication, not anywhere near as good as I'd thought...

Hi, there you're being haunted! Dont you notice it? (Deric W. Haircare), Tuesday, 11 August 2009 00:58 (eleven years ago) link

wow lou jag KILLED it itt.

wishes to be referred under the pseudonym of kronos (call all destroyer), Tuesday, 11 August 2009 01:09 (eleven years ago) link

eleven years pass...

Wait, I thought this was about performance art...

Et Dieu crea l' (Michael White), Sunday, 20 September 2020 14:28 (one month ago) link

"ILX: Cocky and Underconfident" needs to be a board description.

Christine Green Leafy Dragon Indigo, Sunday, 20 September 2020 16:16 (one month ago) link


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