At what age did you lose your virginity?

you can always pay someone

Is there anybody that would actually think that was fun, though?

― this is how a punch sounds, like ditch, like quich (soref), Saturday, October 26, 2013 7:20 PM (8 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

dude

In my experience that is not something people regard as "fun"

I'm imagining telling someone who indicated that they want to sleep with me that I'm a 28 yr old virgin, and following it up with "you get to show me what to do! won't that be fun?" and I can't see it as anything other than some kind of harrowing sitcom 'comedy of awkwardness' type thing, hope that doesn't to sound too negative.

Sex with someone new is pretty often a comedy of errors, nothing wrong with that

it's not that complicated soref. you can probably get away with not mentioning you're a virgin.

soref & edb, have u ever considered or tried sleeping with your, like, friends? like maybe it would be fun, someone you're comfortable around... idk, it sounds crazywrong but maybe it's not?

Just tell them "I want you to lead, tell me what you want"

^ smooth

"I want you to tell me what you want, but using very direct language, no euphemisms"

Soref, having thought about this a bunch, I've decided my approach (if and when it ever happens) will be to keep quiet until it reaches the point of "so gonna happen", and then tactfully interject with something along the lines of: "by the way, I'm kind of really inexperienced, and so kind of have no idea what I'm doing, so if I may I would like to hereby politely implore you to exercise patience, understanding, and assertiveness for the mutual greater good." So basically, what DJP said (which works for me as a natural sub). I'm hoping they don't get suspicious when they see I don't know how to kiss.

I definitely have friends I'd like to sleep with, I'm just not sure how much they'd be into it, ha. Not an easy topic to broach, either! A friend who can be a sex tutor would be ideal, though.

I do remember hearing about a dating website for people with social inhibitions, can't for the life of me remember it though. If I can't meet people on OKCupid, I don't know how much some offbrand website for weirdos is gonna be.

(a crowd gathers below the ledge and they chant)

do it! do it!

― Aimless, Saturday, October 26, 2013 2:45 AM (2 days ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

almost got whiplash from the double take here. anyway as someone who has suffered from stupidly long droughts to the point of forgetting how it all works, i think this - keep quiet until it reaches the point of "so gonna happen", and then tactfully interject with something - is a decent plan. No point mentioning it before time but i think it's best to be honest and open, and if the other person is at all worthwhile then it really won't end up being that big a deal.

yeah

getting to that stage tho, tbh, idk if ilx can help you with that.

i guess i might as well pipe up and say that i had a friend in high school (we're still friends) who relished the opportunity to be someone's first. she delighted in it. she got to do whatever she wanted and be the sexiest woman on earth. i think you are really underestimating the number of people (i don't remember if you want to sleep with men or women) out there who are not only willing, but eager to "lead"

That is to say that I think you should seriously chill with the apologies and use this to your advantage.

A family member of mine devirginized (and for some reason married) a 37 year old man. For some reason this didn't occur to me earlier, probably trying to block it out.

making you watch was a neat trick tbf

NO.

ur not ready to share with us yet and that's cool, that's cool

get a high class hooker to show you the ropes.

I'm pretty serious in this answer, too.

Don't use porn as a guide it is horrible

eh has it's moments tbh

judging by the glimpse into the world of high class hookers provided courtesy of Eliot Spitzer, such women would be very lovely, capable and tactful, but goddamned expensive

My concern is that sex will be like what skateboarding is for me: I enjoy myself when I watch it and think about it, particularly in a way that makes me feel "I wanna do that!" But when I go out I soon remember that I'm out of shape and have no idea what I'm doing, in a way where what looks so fun to watch is actually pretty frustrating and hard, and you end up sweaty and exhausted (but still having had a good time in spite of it all).

― Fiddler on a hot tin roof (ed.b), Saturday, October 26, 2013 7:29 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I feel this, and because of that built it up so much in my head that I was convinced I'd perform so badly that the first time I had it, I refused to go beyond oral and manual stimulation with this girl until I could tell she was disappointed it wasn't going further. and then we had it and it was surprisingly anticlimactic, like it was enjoyable but I didn't feel like it was something that required a degree in electrical engineering.

was a latebloomer, age 22.

I'd like to think I have the presence of mind to not take porn as a guide, but just to make sure... (This is man [me] - woman [no one!], btw. And yes, I'm aware this all varies with person to person/couple to couple/group to group, and that the idea that there's any kind of "normal" sex you "should" be having is an inherently repressive idea, but any tips are welcome).

"Routine" wise, aside from all other foreplay matters, is it particularly common/effective to start orally and work up to penetrative sex? (Going straight into the latter seems a little too... businesslike), and if so, how do you know when to move from one to the other (or is it all just personal preference?). That is, if one is able to bring a woman to climax with mouth/hands, is it generally a good idea to go for it, or hold off in order to stretch it out longer - namely into penetrative sex (with which, I understand, it's much more difficult to reach climax).

I also have embarrassingly little idea about how womens' sex drives work, which is to ask: can you bank on having several climaxes in one outing, or is it the sort of thing, as with men, where you have one or two and don't want to come too early, lest you be out of sexual energy for the while. Mostly, I have no idea how the whole finishing at different times thing works. Like, when he comes before her (about which, you're supposed to announce this before it happens, right?), does he just continue with mouth/hands until she's done, or what? Or when she comes before him (am I correct in assuming this doesn't happen that often, or not for people like myself that can achieve orgasm easily) does he just keep going, or is that uncomfortable for her?

I will be here assiduously taking notes, thanks.

High class call girls are like tattoos to me: Yeah, they're cool, but I feel no internal nor external compulsion to get any, and that's before you factor in how much they cost (not including tip, about which, do prostitutes get tips?)

There is no monolithic "women's" sex drive. Women are individual humans and each one is different. Sorry. I recommend communication with the woman you are with to find out how this works for her.

you just keep doing whatever seems to be pleasurable until something else seems like a better idea, or one or both people indicate they want to stop the current activity due to discomfort or completion or a pedestrian starts walking by your hiding spot

carl otm
stop trying to learn and just practice!

I just think approaching SEX as some kind of vault of dark secrets that you must unlock before you can proceed to the next level is self-defeating and dehumanizing to your potential partner, who is an individual human being with opinions on the topic.

Also read up on enthusiastic consent.

http://captainawkward.com/2011/05/17/reader-question-50-im-a-27-year-old-virgin-and-im-mostly-okay-with-that-but-sometimes-i-feel-like-a-loser/

Here's the part I think might be applicable to the anxious virgins in this thread:

The answer to our problem isn’t sex, it’s dating. A lot. Get an online dating profile, and if you like someone, go meet them for coffee or at a bookshop (buy each other a book, great first date!) or at an ice cream shop or whatever for 30 minutes. If that goes badly, you say goodbye forever and move on. If that goes well, go on a bigger date. If that goes well, keep dating. Kiss your dates. Make out with them. Hold their hands. Dump them after three dates. Dump them after a year. Let them feel you up in movie theaters. Massage their thighs in movie theaters. And if you like them That Way, and they seem good at the kissing and feeling up, tell them you’re not very experienced at sex, but would like to try it with them. The point of dating is not sex. The point of dating is not even love. The point of dating is to get to know a person well enough that love and/or sex are possible.

I'll show you the sex ropes for 50 quid

Another idea that you might consider instead of hiring a prostitute:

http://captainawkward.com/2012/08/02/319-captain-awkward-writes-your-casual-encounters-ad/

xp see? You've got a taker already!

(note - wins means actual literal sex ropes, caveat emptor)

The point of dating is not sex. The point of dating is not even love. The point of dating is to get to know a person well enough that love and/or sex are possible.

This is a pretty positive take! Arguably some people think that the point of sex isn't necessarily linked to dating in such a way and are into one-night encounters or w/e but I don't think that's a good starting point for anyone apprehensive about the whole experience.

That's where the casual encounters advice comes in. I ain't judging.

the ilx dating threads are a reminder, tbph, that 'dating' as advocated here and seemingly practiced in the US as a norm of late is a nightmarish gauntlet of pyschological torture

my manifesto:

don't date, make friends.

some of them, or some of their friends that you meet as you normally will the friends of your friends over time, please god, you may find attractive and they may reciprocate.

aiming yr sex wants at strangers from the get-go, that's just weird, no?

if you can't make friends, or can't make friends of the right gender relevant to yr desires, welcome to ilx. we're as good as it's gonna get for now.

my manifesto:

don't date, make friends.

this is super OTM

About 80% self imposed from what I've read and what I remember. xp

more than likely true, but idk does that make the torture easier to avoid

next ILX Fancy an Orgy should solve all of this thread's problems.

Also, Darragh otm imo.

FAO Tom. (but you can all look if you really want)

1. yes, there totally are people who would like to be someone else's first, be someone's guide into this uncharted and supposedly (but actually not really) magical territory, stick a flag in them and maybe be forever remembered as ~special~. I mean all that is more or less human nature, right? It seems like a stigma but once they're not teenagers people should have stopped being all "lol virgin" and respect the decisions you've made to reach this point, even if you don't think you made any decisions.

Anyway if I made it sound creepy/overbearing then it needn't be, there are plenty of other people your age who've only had one or two or even 0 partners and for whom it would be a relief to be with someone else not super-experienced.

2. but you totally don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to - Dan's "show me what you want" line is smooooth, but it's also OK to say "I haven't done this for a while and I'm a bit nervous" without giving more detail if you think it'll be obvious, or not even say that

3. carl agatha/everyone otm, your partner will probably tell you or at least hint what she likes, whether she has the stamina for more, etc. Everyone's different (I know I don't match the joke stereotypes) so it's totally fine to talk it through and not just know already

dating website for people with social inhibitions . . . some offbrand website for weirdos

Hmm... brb, getting credit card out.

if you can't make friends, or can't make friends of the right gender relevant to yr desires, welcome to ilx. we're as good as it's gonna get for now.

This will be the epigraph of my biography.

Thanking U all for the sage advice.

(yeah, sorry I got a bit... vicarious-date-splainy.)

If it helps any? Maybe I have said this already. But I brought a man home once who didn't tell me til the next day that he had been a virgin. I couldn't tell - he did not stick out as inexperienced; as long as you're respectful and thoughtful I think the actual act itself goes pretty smoothly once you get the hang of it (minutes, not encounters). I mean, I've been with my husband eight years and we still get the angles wrong sometime; sex is fun and sometimes funny and it's okay if it's not like a fantasy novel every time. People who would get upset about incorrect technique/a second too little foreplay/anything that isn't malicious/disrespectful don't deserve to be having sex anyway, so don't fear their judgements.

yeah. it's kinda like I was scared my first time and then the motion of the ocean started being so awesome that I didn't give a fuck.

hell, even the first time I did oral, I was making it up on the fly and my partner was none the wiser. you gotta go with the ebb and flow. ie, at a particularly sensual moment of kissing and rubbing, don't bite her ear and scream "OHHHH IMA RIDE THAT PONY" in her ear.

or, yknow, do. gauge it, like.