ask a booty cleaner

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i am now fielding questions about cleaning a booty

do you have questions? ask me them and i will answer!

a booty cleaner, Friday, 2 January 2015 16:51 (six years ago) link

does booty cleaning form the core of your identity or is it more of a hobby?

Gombeen Dance Band (Noodle Vague), Friday, 2 January 2015 16:53 (six years ago) link

yes, i would say so

a booty cleaner, Friday, 2 January 2015 16:58 (six years ago) link

this is an important thread

BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Friday, 2 January 2015 17:05 (six years ago) link

how do bidets fare in comparison to other means of booty cleaning?

droit au butt (Euler), Friday, 2 January 2015 19:18 (six years ago) link

toilet brush y/n

local eire man (darraghmac), Friday, 2 January 2015 19:19 (six years ago) link

no no no do not toilet brush, it is v sensitive down there and it will cause tears, both kinds, that's only for after the poo comes out

a booty cleaner, Friday, 2 January 2015 19:23 (six years ago) link

a bidet is not part of my suggested regimen.

i have no further comments on the bidet at this time.

a booty cleaner, Friday, 2 January 2015 19:26 (six years ago) link

Scented cleaning product or unscented?

fgti, Friday, 2 January 2015 21:34 (six years ago) link

shower attachment hose is best, enema bulb second best. don't drink any coffee on a day when you expect some action, or else just be rly perspicacious when u clean out. also best to do it a couple of hours before sex just to make sure there's no water or anything up there.

mister brevis (clouds), Friday, 2 January 2015 21:39 (six years ago) link

i am not booty cleaner, btw

mister brevis (clouds), Friday, 2 January 2015 21:41 (six years ago) link

absolutely

positively

NEVER scented. Ever.

I mean a light scent is fine if you rinse well and then wait a little bit to let it dissipate but one time a booty cleaner went down on this WASP who had decided to "clean up down there" beforehand with some v pungent woodsy Molton Brown hand soap and it was just not a good look. Do not do it, ladies or gentlemen.

xp whoa there clouds slow yr roll, why don't we leave this sort of talk to the experts

a booty cleaner, Friday, 2 January 2015 21:53 (six years ago) link

If you are engaging in penetrative sex instead of just a munching it is v strongly recommended that you use an enema bulb or shower attachment beforehand. Shower attachment is best since you can just soap off after; some people make the mistake of enema bulbing AFTER they shower and then you get the outside all dirty again. It's also wise to avoid "cleansing" foodstuffs like coffee or high-fiber vegetables. Just try to be perspicacious about it.

a booty cleaner, Friday, 2 January 2015 21:57 (six years ago) link

v sound advice imho

mister brevis (clouds), Saturday, 3 January 2015 04:43 (six years ago) link

a booty cleaner = dr morbius, obvs

mookieproof, Saturday, 3 January 2015 04:47 (six years ago) link

I need you to explain to me as though I were two years old what "shower attachment" is.

I mean for real, what do you mean by this.

Also I am still waiting for someone to tell me what exactly is "eating" vs. "snacking" which I take to mean the same as "munching"?

mom tossed in kimchee (quincie), Saturday, 3 January 2015 05:31 (six years ago) link

also need physician/nurse of ILX to explain where the poo hangs out before exit. I mean is the rectum all clear and poo hangs out in the colon before pooping or is poo in the rectum?

I know not my own bum, clearly.

mom tossed in kimchee (quincie), Saturday, 3 January 2015 05:33 (six years ago) link

dean gulberry to thread

rip van wanko, Saturday, 3 January 2015 05:38 (six years ago) link

a little hose that attaches to the shower head with a thin nozzle that you can use to clean out with -- obviously you'd want to go to the bathroom normally before hosing just so you don't make your shower/tub nasty

mister brevis (clouds), Saturday, 3 January 2015 05:41 (six years ago) link

the only hotel room i've ever stayed in that had a bidet was in HAVANA

troo

touch of a love-starved cobra (Dr Morbius), Saturday, 3 January 2015 05:44 (six years ago) link

I am not a nurse but the rectum is not always clear no. It can hang out in there.

Also, and this is interesting, gay men seem to go through a lot of prep for this whereas I think it's often less planned for straights. I mean, from what I've heard, it can often be a spur of the moment oh we're gonna do this now? OK! type thing which leaves little time for such detailed preparation and what I've gathered from, uh, my conversations with friends who've engaged in this type of experience that's usually pretty ok too. I mean - you can't be too uptight. Sometimes sex gets messy. I don't think I'd recommend giving the greenlight to this sort of thing spur of the moment if you're in the middle of an episode of montezuma's revenge or anything but it doesn't always need to involve so much forethought either.

Benson and the Jets (ENBB), Saturday, 3 January 2015 12:17 (six years ago) link

And I don't think there's any difference between those terms really. I believe, though I could be wrong, we're all taking about licking butthole itt.

Benson and the Jets (ENBB), Saturday, 3 January 2015 12:18 (six years ago) link

I regret posting to this thread already.

Benson and the Jets (ENBB), Saturday, 3 January 2015 12:18 (six years ago) link

folded or scrunched

and how many sheets

AB de Villiers Terrace (King Boy Pato), Saturday, 3 January 2015 12:22 (six years ago) link

if this came up in the middle of an episode of montezuma's revenge i'd just pause and watch the rest later nbd

local eire man (darraghmac), Saturday, 3 January 2015 12:49 (six years ago) link

i think that gay men seem to go to a lot more preparation bcz it is a thing that is much more likely to be on the table during gay male sex; how many str8 ppl are like "damn i'm so gonna eat that person's booty when we have sex tonight" bcz I can bet you gay men think that a LOT

here is a g-rated demonstration of the "shower attachment" by one of my colleagues (whose sound editing skills are, sadly, not as good as mine)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBZ9DXn1RLg

a booty cleaner, Saturday, 3 January 2015 15:43 (six years ago) link

snacking is just kind of a light tongue around the outside and is quite serene

munching is a more open mouth maybe some light grazing of the teeth but nothing too intense

eating is lots of motion and vigor like a teenager french kissing a butthole

i am just kidding all of them are the same

a booty cleaner, Saturday, 3 January 2015 15:47 (six years ago) link

does tongue go *in* rectum or just outside???

mom tossed in kimchee (quincie), Saturday, 3 January 2015 15:49 (six years ago) link

idk if it can actually make it *in* but that certainly doesn't stop people from trying.

a booty cleaner, Saturday, 3 January 2015 16:12 (six years ago) link

I don't care how recently you've showered, farting can be ruinous in this regard.

touch of a love-starved cobra (Dr Morbius), Saturday, 3 January 2015 16:36 (six years ago) link

q: the rectum is just the home stretch of the colon. Poo goes from colon > rectum > thru anus > the outside.

kate78, Sunday, 4 January 2015 01:54 (six years ago) link

Shower hoses are useful for all sorts of things, though I wasn't aware any were specifically marketed for the use described here

Lee626, Sunday, 4 January 2015 11:32 (six years ago) link

what the hell else would you use them for?

languagelessness (mattresslessness), Sunday, 4 January 2015 18:15 (six years ago) link

You mean with that enema tip, or just shower hoses in general?

Orson Wellies (in orbit), Sunday, 4 January 2015 18:29 (six years ago) link

what the hell else would you use them for?

the ladies know.

kate78, Sunday, 4 January 2015 20:21 (six years ago) link

No kidding. Also washing children, pets, anything you scrub in the bathtub when you don't have a backyard, ie garbage cans, pieces of furniture, window screens, wetting your hair when you don't want to take a shower, washing the tile and hosing it off, etc etc. Hose sprayers are extremely useful!

Orson Wellies (in orbit), Sunday, 4 January 2015 21:23 (six years ago) link

I was going to mention pets, but fuck washing a cat

(sorry)

valleys of your mind (mh), Sunday, 4 January 2015 21:34 (six years ago) link

what about washing your cat's booty?

kola superdeep borehole (harbl), Sunday, 4 January 2015 22:38 (six years ago) link

i wd strongly advise against that.

a booty cleaner, Sunday, 4 January 2015 23:01 (six years ago) link

I shaved my dog's ass today because she had dingleberries. Made me think of that saying "if my dog was as ugly as you I'd shave it's ass and make it walk backwards", but like I didn't realize I'd ever actually end up doing that!

how's life, Monday, 5 January 2015 01:19 (six years ago) link

what about washing your cat's booty?

― kola superdeep borehole (harbl), Sunday, January 4, 2015 4:38 PM (5 days ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

i wd strongly advise against that.

― a booty cleaner, Sunday, January 4, 2015 5:01 PM (5 days ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I wash my cat's booty once every day or two and it's good and necessary.

Je55e, Friday, 9 January 2015 18:55 (six years ago) link

that's your call; i will have nothing to do w/ this

a booty cleaner, Friday, 9 January 2015 19:03 (six years ago) link

is my name a pussy cleaner no it's not

a booty cleaner, Friday, 9 January 2015 19:03 (six years ago) link

yeah, my parents have a couple chubbles they have to clean up

wet wipes are fine there, all external, no cat enemas plz

valleys of your mind (mh), Friday, 9 January 2015 19:04 (six years ago) link

otm, a booty cleaner

valleys of your mind (mh), Friday, 9 January 2015 19:04 (six years ago) link

is my name a pussy cleaner no it's not

― a booty cleaner, Friday, January 9, 2015 2:03 PM (1 minute ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Benson and the Jets (ENBB), Friday, 9 January 2015 19:05 (six years ago) link

ahhhhhhhhh

Benson and the Jets (ENBB), Friday, 9 January 2015 19:05 (six years ago) link

can someone who who has cleaned a pussy and cleaned a booty please write a brief compare/contrast post

mom tossed in kimchee (quincie), Friday, 9 January 2015 19:27 (six years ago) link

booties have been human, pussy has been feline. It's a little creepy when the cat plops down on my feet with her ass displayed, wanting me to wash it.

Je55e, Sunday, 11 January 2015 17:08 (six years ago) link

how has balneol not been discussed here
http://www.balneol.com/
balneol is u+k

shmup....smug....shmub....shmug.... (forksclovetofu), Sunday, 11 January 2015 18:28 (six years ago) link

can't believe i never saw that catgina post

kola superdeep borehole (harbl), Tuesday, 13 January 2015 01:51 (six years ago) link

need more deets, BC

mom tossed in kimchee (quincie), Tuesday, 13 January 2015 02:06 (six years ago) link

I mean I think only WE can be the judge of profile level, right?

mom tossed in kimchee (quincie), Tuesday, 13 January 2015 02:06 (six years ago) link

medium profile butts

kola superdeep borehole (harbl), Tuesday, 13 January 2015 02:24 (six years ago) link

ABC - a booty cleaner

bob seger's silver bullet gland (sic), Tuesday, 13 January 2015 03:39 (six years ago) link

This is the thread where you roll up the rim to win

example (crüt), Tuesday, 13 January 2015 16:33 (six years ago) link

DJP knew what was going on

valleys of your mind (mh), Tuesday, 13 January 2015 17:28 (six years ago) link

thank you for your assistance abc

my booty it clean (fgti), Tuesday, 13 January 2015 18:22 (six years ago) link

one month passes...

what are bootyflakes? I've seen them mentioned but what are they?

i ain't marchant anymore (unregistered), Saturday, 14 February 2015 02:33 (six years ago) link

how do I get rid of bootyflakes? or are they not something one would wish to get rid of? will bootyflakes enhance my partner's enjoyment of booty eating? please advise, booty eater!

i ain't marchant anymore (unregistered), Saturday, 14 February 2015 02:35 (six years ago) link

(or booty cleaner, rather)

i ain't marchant anymore (unregistered), Saturday, 14 February 2015 02:35 (six years ago) link

that...that answers so many questions (all of which I was too afraid to ask)

i ain't marchant anymore (unregistered), Saturday, 14 February 2015 03:35 (six years ago) link

I have trouble understanding how bootyflakes would be plentiful enough to be visible on a toilet seat. Was the seat somewhat adhesive? Was the person's skin actually sloughing off in that big of flakes? Even if there was sufficient contrast in the color of the toilet seat and the person's skin, that's a lot of skin to lose at once on a normal toilet seat! Why isn't the bootycleaner helping us?

a girl with colitis (Je55e), Saturday, 14 February 2015 16:29 (six years ago) link

Or DJP, who first documented the flakes?

a girl with colitis (Je55e), Saturday, 14 February 2015 16:29 (six years ago) link

flake ya tailfeather

example (crüt), Saturday, 14 February 2015 17:52 (six years ago) link

Imagine a pudgy, ashy black dude with questionable hygiene

Now imagine him leaving a ring on your toilet seat

Commence to barfing

"Go pet your dog" is the name of my dog (DJP), Saturday, 14 February 2015 21:09 (six years ago) link

as a white dude who wears a lot of black I understand the need to scrub/moisturize

mh, Sunday, 15 February 2015 00:24 (six years ago) link

One time I was getting a pedicure from a woman with very dry arms. Every once in awhile she'd pause to scratch at them causing a snowstorm of arm flakes to float down into the soaking tub. Towards the end she commented about how she doesn't know why her arms are peeling but they are so itchy, as she scratched and shed all over my feet.

I came very close to Yelping that day.

about a dozen duck supporters (carl agatha), Sunday, 15 February 2015 01:17 (six years ago) link

I have no comments regarding booty flakes but I think that it is a good idea to try to not have them.

a booty cleaner, Sunday, 15 February 2015 19:40 (six years ago) link

I was hoping you'd have something to say about the science/mechanics of bootyflakes.....but thanks, a booty cleaner. that seems like sensible advice.

i ain't marchant anymore (unregistered), Sunday, 15 February 2015 21:27 (six years ago) link

(also, lol @ "I came very close to Yelping that day")

i ain't marchant anymore (unregistered), Sunday, 15 February 2015 21:27 (six years ago) link

ten months pass...

i hope everyone has had a clean booty in 2015

a booty cleaner, Wednesday, 30 December 2015 03:13 (five years ago) link

wouldn't that put you out of a job?

mookieproof, Wednesday, 30 December 2015 04:57 (five years ago) link

that is not something I feel the need to discuss. please do not negate me.

a booty cleaner, Thursday, 31 December 2015 04:44 (five years ago) link

it may be the work of the world's booty cleaners that's responsible for the clean booties of 2015

home organ, Thursday, 31 December 2015 05:38 (five years ago) link

does a booty cleaner secretly abhor people who clean their own booties, in the same way that gas station attendants abhor drivers who patronize self-service stations and cashiers abhor shoppers who use self-checkout lanes? by offering free booty cleaning advice on a public message board, is he basically admitting the futility of seeking payment for professional booty cleaning services in our current economic times?

small doug yule carnival club (unregistered), Thursday, 31 December 2015 06:12 (five years ago) link

ITB (in this bootyconomy)

Does that make you mutter, under your breath, “Damn”? (forksclovetofu), Thursday, 31 December 2015 06:21 (five years ago) link

(or maybe he's peppering this thread with misleading advice in an effort to sabotage our amateur booty cleaning routines and drive us back to the booty cleaners with cries of 'what have I done wrong!?' I hate to cast aspersions on his character, but it's clear from the last exchange that he is either frustrated with his lack of business opportunities or morally outraged at our lives of quiet defecation)

small doug yule carnival club (unregistered), Thursday, 31 December 2015 06:47 (five years ago) link

that booty runs deep

Does that make you mutter, under your breath, “Damn”? (forksclovetofu), Thursday, 31 December 2015 07:00 (five years ago) link

nice to see that a booty cleaner is back to vote in the EOY poll

a cruet of destiny (seandalai), Thursday, 31 December 2015 18:01 (five years ago) link

I never got the impression abc was a cleaner of all, just a prodigious self-cleaner who was into advocacy

μpright mammal (mh), Thursday, 31 December 2015 19:50 (five years ago) link

one year passes...

i've had kids for 5 years now, and since then i've had baby wipes in the house and clean a lot of butts with them. it occurred to me early on after my older son was born, when changing a diaper, why don't i use these? since then i cannot imagine wiping my ass with just plain toilet paper, it feels so savage and unclean, so now we keep baby wipes in each bathroom and i keep them in my desk at work, too. if i know i'm going to take a shit somewhere besides my house or work, i make sure i take them with me. i haven't figured out what i'll do when my younger son stops wearing diapers and we don't have an excuse to buy baby wipes but i cannot imagine going back to those gruesome earlier days.

marcos, Tuesday, 28 November 2017 18:00 (three years ago) link

was gonna say

i buy those cottonelle refill packs every week and i use them all over my body tbh

i n f i n i t y (∞), Tuesday, 28 November 2017 19:05 (three years ago) link

i haven't figured out what i'll do when my younger son stops wearing diapers and we don't have an excuse to buy baby wipes but i cannot imagine going back to those gruesome earlier days.

egon :

i like to be ready for a blowjob at any moments notice

― cutty, Thursday, 23 August 2007 16:37

shackling the masses with plastic-wrapped snack picks (sic), Tuesday, 28 November 2017 19:23 (three years ago) link

weird glitch

shackling the masses with plastic-wrapped snack picks (sic), Tuesday, 28 November 2017 19:24 (three years ago) link

The issue with flushable wipes is that they're not.

I'm pleased to introduce the term 'fatberg' to this esteemed thread.

Vernon Locke, Tuesday, 28 November 2017 23:39 (three years ago) link

^^^ baby wipes are evil and full of plastic, sorry y'all I know they are awesome

they represent probably the single biggest source of waste/plastic in the festival compost that I help to process

sleeve, Tuesday, 28 November 2017 23:48 (three years ago) link

Gonna say it again: google "balneol"
It will change your life. Expensive but more budget worthy than Netflix

i believe that (s)he is sincere (forksclovetofu), Wednesday, 29 November 2017 04:10 (three years ago) link

https://i.imgur.com/xdnIcI0.png

This is not what I want to see when landing on balneol's website for the first time tbh.

Le Bateau Ivre, Wednesday, 29 November 2017 09:25 (three years ago) link

What's the deal here anyway? "We'll show people who look embarrassed to *connect* with embarrassed customers... Excellent..."

Le Bateau Ivre, Wednesday, 29 November 2017 09:26 (three years ago) link

two years pass...

who was dis

origami condom (Neanderthal), Saturday, 19 September 2020 06:12 (one year ago) link

xp from the bidet thread for "posterity"

i bought a bidet attachment at the start of the pandemic in the midst of the great 2020 TP shortage but my toilet's water tank valve had limescaled shut like a vice, requiring a plumber and a world in which I felt comfortable letting a plumber into my bathroom. About a month ago, we finally had the entire toilet replaced and the bidet attached at the same time. I can definitely avow this as a major quality of life improvement.

Questions answered:

* No electricity necessary.
* The bidet doesn't use water from the toilet tank. It comes from the same pipe that feeds your faucet.
* You may need to get a new toilet seat; I found this $25 Kohler model worked well.
* First few days of first-time use definitely engendered a HEY WHAT'S GOING ON THERE sensation but you adjust super fast.
* Warm water would absolutely be preferable but as an apartment renter whose toilet is not adjacent to the sink and opted for the base model, I can tell you that you get used to cold water even in the middle of the night whilst half asleep.
* Yes, it absolutely does get you fully clean without using toilet paper at all, though you have to give it about 20 to 30 seconds to spray.
* You can dry yourself lightly with toilet paper (which reduces usage by a factor of 3-5 btw) or you can air dry for a minute or two and that generally gets the job done. Added bonus: I am finally finishing reading those old issues of National Geographic.
* The base model has a "nozzle wash" function which you can activate before and after use. It appears to keep the apparatus well cleaned and clear of clogs.
* There's a bit of clean water overspray on the underside of the toilet, but maybe i just need to adjust the angle? That's about the biggest hassle attached to use. Requires a single pane of toilet paper to mop up.
* For those with hangups about potential colonic penetration: I suppose you could, with work, double yourself up to shoot a jet of water up your own ass but given the angle of the nozzle it's not something that's likely to happen on accident.
* I am finding this works very well with a toilet bench/squatty potty.

For anyone with Crohns/Colitis/hemorrhoids, sensitive or fissure-prone excretory bits, or just general pruritius ani, i cannot recommend this enough. Several long-standing issues with itching and abrasion disappeared in the space of two weeks.

There's an argument to be made against Tushy's hyper-millenial, pro-asshole marketing approach, but the bottom line (oy) is they sell a $90 model that works and should be easy enough for almost anyone to install without a plumber. If you have the kind of structural problems that I did, a plumber should be able to fix and plug this in well under an hour and for less than a hundred bucks. I daresay you'll be able to save $150 on toilet paper within one year of installation.

https://hellotushy.com/products/classic-affordable-bidet

NB: I am a male human without female parts and cannot speak to women's experience with a bidet in general or this model in particular... though i would appreciate a woman's POV on this to share with my partner who continues to view the device as a superfluous addition to the bathroom and considers it a potential source of UTIs.

Fuck the NRA (ulysses), Tuesday, 22 September 2020 16:55 (one year ago) link

neanderthal i'm afraid you've exceeded your quota of butt-related content for the year

trapped out the barndo (crüt), Tuesday, 22 September 2020 17:02 (one year ago) link

Hello, everyone! The world is a mess but I sincerely hope that our booties are not!

a booty cleaner, Thursday, 24 September 2020 18:18 (one year ago) link

Booty cleaner! I am so glad you are still here for us, and for our dirty, dirty booties.

mom tossed in kimchee (quincie), Thursday, 24 September 2020 18:50 (one year ago) link

I want only the cleanest of booties for my pals on the ILX message board!

a booty cleaner, Saturday, 3 October 2020 16:41 (one year ago) link


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