what's happening to our borad TMI

theres a five step process to shitting at work

enter room. enter stall if free.

wait for anyone who saw you entering stall to leave

shit to your hearts content regardless of new entrants. disguise any grunts you might make to avoid detection.

wait for anyone who heard you shit to leave

exit with the confidence of a man who has not just shit

disguise any grunts you might make to avoid detection.

best way to do this is to blast dubstep from your phone's speaker while you're taking care of business ime

i am lucky enough to have access at work to a single toilet behind not just one but two lockable doors, which has basically ensured that i'll be working here until retirement or death

Same. It's digustingly luxurious but private bathroom ftw.

when I worked at the grocery store back in high school, a coworker would regularly steal a sandwich from the deli and a magazine from the racks, then sit in the shitter for the next hour eating and reading. Since we baggers were also the bathroom cleaners, we could ensure that the stalls were clean enough to support that.

when I worked in one of the largest buildings in the USA (3/4 mile long), when I needed to hit the can, I'd walk to a toilet on the other end of the building. bathroom breaks were a luxurious 30 minutes a pop. at least when I wasn't about to pop.

poppage is a long-standing issue for ilxors

It's beyond my control, sometimes it's best to let go
Whatever happens in this lifetime
I didn't smell like shit
Poop zero changed my life

I feel so alive for the very first time
I can't deny you
I feel so alive
I feel so alive for the very first time
And I think I can fly

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSiq58grKsY

truth

"a useful reminder that we're all just a short string of unfortunate events away from shitting ourselves - all day, every day. and then you die and your corpse can release the contents of its bowels free from mortal shame"

1) Thread got dark, man.

2) Guys really like to talk about shitting.

ts: spoken turd vs. urine luck

There was a stain on my boxers. I finished, cleaned up, GTFO there and caught a cab to my next appointment. I made the cabbie stop at my home (which was on the way, thankfully) so I could change my underwear. A REASON WHY TO WEAR BOOT CUT PANTS: you can take them off without taking your shoes off. A REASON WHY TO WEAR BOXERS: It's the same reason. Went to my next thing. Didn't smell like shit. Didn't tell anybody about the near-disaster I just avoided. But hidden in between the lines of this story are a lot of little good and bad decisions, like what I had for lunch, or how I didn't catch a cab before poop zero hit my guts. I'm lucky. That's all.

― El Tomboto, Wednesday, October 26, 2016 10:34 PM (yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

vs.

Taking advantage of sitting
by myself in the cab
I found a quarter full
anti-freeze bottle
Unscrewed the cap
and thrust in my cock

And there's a heart that's breaking
Down this long distance line tonight

I ain't missing you at all

― Neanderthal, Tuesday, October 25, 2016 7:52 PM (two days ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Most of the shitting that I have read outside of this thread is by women, specifically English women, which I immediately realise makes it sound like a sex thing.

i have weird lower intestinal shit happening this week and i know that all the coffee i drink is making this worse but bc i have a caffeine addiction i have to continue drinking coffee

But that is largely in the context of Q: When is it acceptable to shit outside of your own home? A: Never! So, tips and tricks...

There's a lot of ways to get caffeine that are better for your intestines than coffee though?

this shit got old fast

anticipate, constipate, love your mate, celebate

defecate

don't suffocate/on your own make

have cake

eat it too

for yer sake

and in the end / the food you take / is equal to the poops you make

An hour or so into the new year I took the most massive dump I've taken in recent memory. Goodbye 2016.

new year, new poo

just another New Year on my favorite board, I Love Taking A Shit

I love tormenting my intestines?

Out with the old
In with the new

Poo: POO

general question, based off of the assumption that as people get older, they fart more frequently and flagrantly. that may not be true for you. as i observe my farting developments, i notice two trends that lead to the same end. first, the involuntary incidents are popping up more than they once did. it's still relatively rare, but the emblematic "bend down to pick up a coin off the floor" fart is rising up the power rankings, as well as others of its nature. these involuntary incidents have siblings that are also growing - the decision point farts. the decision is presented to me, and where i once resisted, i now say "yes", sometimes in unforgivable contexts. where i once flatly refused, i now, sometimes, permit. where i once permitted with regret, i now simply permit without a second thought. an occasion that once resulted in what george carlin called "test farts" now lead to full-on farts. i still care about norms and adhere to them in most situations, but less so than before. and i know that in the future, i will care even less.

just wondering which one wins out over time - the physical involuntariness of it all, or caring less and less.

i'll take my answer off the fart air fart
fart

Does the body rule the mind
Or does the mind rule plbbhhhhhhhhhhh

the unanticipated fart is definitely something that happens with age, this I confirm

coincidentally, "The Unanticipated Fart" is also the name of the new terrence malick film

oh god, just remembered

a few weeks ago I went to a new bbq place with a friend for lunch and had way too much food. delicious ribs, pulled pork, and cole slaw. having no real need for dinner, I went to a late evening concert with friends and was sipping a tall boy of cheap beer, as one does, and let loose what I thought would be an unnoticed fart -- silent, but that wouldn't have mattered, as it was loud and I was in a crowd

dear reader, it smelled as if a sulpherous cloud of death had descended in that venue. a virtual portal to some sort of vision of hell, with fire and nauseating brimstone. I don't think anyone suspected me, and I tried to move away as to deflect blame, but my god...

presbyflatulence

there is nothing worse than thinking "I can do an unobtrusively silent fart and no one will know" and having that follow up with panicked thoughts of "oh my god no, did I just shit my pants"

lately loud laughs cause me to fart.

i don't care about norms, my health and freedom tramples em

I'm grateful that this is one affliction of middle age to miss me (so far).

^^^

you've missed the involuntariness, but the other path, the choice, remains open. praying for both of you

say yes

yeah "involuntariness" hasn't hit me. i always feel the approach and relish the release

Dr Morbius, taken before his time, when he decided that a particularly fine fart merited a cigar...

the choice remains open, yes

Occasionally I'll let a quiet one go in one deserted grocery aisle and quickly move to the next one. The "high wind off of Dumpling Island," as my father in law used to say.

general question, based off of the assumption that as people get older, they fart more frequently and flagrantly. that may not be true for you. as i observe my farting developments, i notice two trends that lead to the same end. first, the involuntary incidents are popping up more than they once did. it's still relatively rare, but the emblematic "bend down to pick up a coin off the floor" fart is rising up the power rankings, as well as others of its nature. these involuntary incidents have siblings that are also growing - the decision point farts. the decision is presented to me, and where i once resisted, i now say "yes", sometimes in unforgivable contexts. where i once flatly refused, i now, sometimes, permit. where i once permitted with regret, i now simply permit without a second thought. an occasion that once resulted in what george carlin called "test farts" now lead to full-on farts. i still care about norms and adhere to them in most situations, but less so than before. and i know that in the future, i will care even less.

i've nearly had a falling out with a friend of mine over the decision fart. like in the pub one night and he just lets rip some vile fart. i mean i appreciate the body is its own master to an extent but it isn't that difficult to just go to the bathroom or whatever.

in 3 seconds it is

I hope everyone here is familiar with 1601, Mark Twain's contribution to the fart canon: http://books-to-read.com/ebooks/mark-twain/mark-twain-1601.html

In ye heat of ye talk it befel yt one did breake wind, yielding an exceding mightie and distresfull stink, whereat all did laugh full sore, and then—

Ye Queene.—Verily in mine eight and sixty yeres have I not heard the fellow to this fart. Meseemeth, by ye grete sound and clamour of it, it was male; yet ye belly it did lurk behinde shoulde now fall lean and flat against ye spine of him yt hath bene delivered of so stately and so waste a bulk, where as ye guts of them yt doe quiff-splitters bear, stand comely still and rounde. Prithee let ye author confess ye offspring. Will my Lady Alice testify?

Lady Alice.—Good your grace, an' I had room for such a thunderbust within mine ancient bowels, 'tis not in reason I coulde discharge ye same and live to thank God for yt He did choose handmaid so humble whereby to shew his power. Nay, 'tis not I yt have broughte forth this rich o'ermastering fog, this fragrant gloom, so pray you seeke ye further.

my friend likes to, in the car, let one rip, pause a second, then ask his wife and daughter 'mmm -- do you smell bread'?

my uncle, postprandial at Thanksgiving, would say "That turkey is still gobbling."

my best friend growing up's grandpa used to hand you kleenex if you farted and he'd say YEW SHIT YER PANTS!!!

my dad told me about sitting on the porch next to my great-grandfather, who, after ripping a loud fart, nonchalantly said, "eat that one and I'll crack you another!"

my uncle, postprandial at Thanksgiving, would say "That turkey is still gobbling."

― Supercreditor (Dr Morbius), Wednesday, February 22, 2017 2:24 PM (eleven minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

love this

My friend's grandmother would describe a particularly potent one as a 'letter from jobby'

Had this half a cm cyst looking thing removed from my back today that looked and smelled like cheese