what's happening to our borad TMI

my bidet cost $60 on amazon. it fits under the toilet seat. it is neat! it attaches to the hot water line on the sink. there are dials you use to calibrate your perfect bum-washing. with them, you can change the stream's angle to perfectly target your particulars, as well as adjust water pressure and temperature. The spectrum of the latter adjustments allows for customization between slowly trickling Alpine icemelt and F-15 afterburner on full throttle.

the bidet control itself is a little melamine-like two-dial doodad with aluminum knobs that sits just below the tank. it looks very star trek: the original series. the thing has only been in my house one day, but i have already pretended that i am using it to toggle shields and/or speak to a tiny engineer in the medicine cabinet.

only one or two pieces of paper are necessary for blotting dry. i give it **** out of **** little clean rear-ends.

are there presets such that a cohabitant might easily clean his or her rear end in a different manner

"extra wax"

mookie –– no presets. the dials are easily adjustable in exactly the same manner as a regular faucet. turn on, pull up for more pressure. turn left for more heat, right for less. another dial for angle. however! there is also a ladybits cleaner. cohabitant reports aim is appropriate but pressure must be carefully managed.

aww

omg I thought you meant a standalone bidet
I had no idea these things existed
Truly we lived in blessed times

My co-worker has an enormous inflamed whitehead at the very top of her back and is wearing her hair up and a shirt where you can see it at all times and it is absolutely KILLING me. POP THAT SHIT.

She probably ova my knew something was up, but maybe not how awful it was! I had a weird-ass zit behind my earlobe for days -- it seemed big, taught, and painful, but it wasn't until my friend saw it and basically called me a leper and gagged that I realized how gross it was.

It was about the size of a bubble-tea tapioca, very globular, shiny, and red & white.

Seeing it for yourself makes all the difference.

I'd probably have made a run at you with a kitchen knife

i hope you taught it a lesson

hell, at that size it probably was on the verge of growing a mouth and explaining the lesson itself

ate tortilla chips with ghost pepper in them. had a wank an hour later, hadn't washed hands, forgot about chips.

in pain

Oh I've done that. A frisson of excitement that is not worth it

ugh it was bad enough getting toothpaste on it one time in the shower in college

minty

jesus christ, my sinuses are messed up again and I have no idea what I've done wrong

I'm assuming it was allergies and some mediocre nights of sleep that did me in but right now it feels like the eustacian tube on the left side is collapsing and half the time it sounds like I'm in a tunnel

are you in a tunnel y/n

create a tunnel in the shower

breathe in vapours

let one go

breathe in deeply

rinse repeat

On a Megabus
The a/c is on full blast despite it only being 82 outside

Most of us are putting on extra shirts now

ugh I did the shower thing for 20 minutes yesterday, time 2 repeat

i couldn't hear for all of last week w/ the tunnel thing. finally over the past few days it was only for a couple hours at a time and today no problems at all. never happened to me before but 2 ppl irl + you are talking about it. is this new for fall 2016?

i caused a collision in the grocery store because i couldn't hear a man approaching and i stood up and swung my basket into him. i thought it would be too weird to explain that i'm deef.

I've got a sinus thing too!It's not messing with my ears that much, just the occasional popping but I can't taste a goddamn thing and this in on the day when I get to go out for a meal paid for by my job AND someone brought in genuinely top-quality fresh fruit tarts and cream cakes to work.
Had this a while ago and it lasted weeks and was quite depressing.

I watched some internet porn that must have been filmed in the north central United States or nearby Canada. I gave up on finding it erotic but kept watching because of the dadjoke level humor and Fargo-style accents wtf

yah last time i was clicking around porn i - wait for it - came across 1) a video where the setup it that the girl accidentally backs into the guy with her car (amazing acting in this scene) and later he says "i get it, you hit me because you wanted to hit this"; and 2) a video where the guy is a logger and these two hippie girls seduce him in a forest to keep him from cutting down some trees, and the whole time they keep saying "i can't believe we're doing this... but it's for the trees!"

tbh I support way, way more bloggy thinkpieces about porn. We'd add a lot more resolution to our cultural self-portrait than we get from the 900th "I Watched This Week's Prestige Drama And Here's What It Means In 2016" post.

i don't get why porn is so bad, i really dont, like why even bother with a setup?

yah last time i was clicking around porn i - wait for it - came across 1) a video where the setup it that the girl accidentally backs into the guy with her car (amazing acting in this scene) and later he says "i get it, you hit me because you wanted to hit this"; and 2) a video where the guy is a logger and these two hippie girls seduce him in a forest to keep him from cutting down some trees, and the whole time they keep saying "i can't believe we're doing this... but it's for the trees!"

― yolo mostly (sleepingbag), Thursday, October 6, 2016 3:31 AM (five hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

ok lol

You see in the old days 2/3 of what was filmed was the setup, Stevie. You kids with your instant gratification don't understand the thrill of watching a half hour of some guy pretending to look under a sink while making puns about "cleaning your pipes"

also lol at sleepingbag's anecdote

Just shit and vomited at the same time. Fuckin' sinuses.

what number on the bristol stool chart would you characterize your stool as being?*

* for my ilxor.xlsx

i've had nearly lifelong sinus problems -- lots of uncontrolled respiratory allergies as a kid, sinus infections, doing everything i could to not pop benadryl all the time or become a permanent mass of infected mouth-breathing

adult life has been cool because allergy meds got a lot better and i just said, fuck it, i'm gonna take a 12 hour sudafed every day

until now where i'm like, fuck, this seems to be less of a prob in the colder season, i'm going to see if i can stop taking decongestants all the damn time

cut to this passage on the wiki for sudafed
Pseudoephedrine is also used as a first-line prophylactic for recurrent priapism. Erection is largely a parasympathetic response, so the sympathetic action of pseudoephedrine may serve to relieve this condition.

have i been taking reverse viagra? what happens when i stop?!

well, friend...

mh, i've also had lifelong issues with sinuses. sudafed was rough for me.
i've found a good answer with daily neti pot in the morning (and in the evenings when it's bad)
and for medication: Singulaire, Fexofenadine, Loratadine; all about half a tab a day.
give it a try!

yeah I do all that on the reg

fexofenadine is a pretty good antihistamine w/ few side effects afaik, i take it almost every day from late august through october

you do all that AND sudafed? dang, yo.

I had a sinus infection a couple years ago right before flying to my friend's wedding and I got some antibiotics, and the doctor was like "dude, do all your shit still, and I normally never say afrin since you get rebound congestion but snort that shit before you fly for sure"

I got some generic stuff but it was in a travel size bottle and I couldn't get it to spray and tilted it. Like 1/8th of a bottle of afrin went right up my nostril and let me tell you I was hyped

yeah it's only really bad for a couple weeks spring/fall these days

pseudoephedrine works really well but that shit freaks me out so i only use it if i have a really bad sinus infection or if i know i'll be in a toxically allergenic environment

i was taking full daily tabs of that triad of medications every day of the year for like four years until i started getting notes from my doc saying my liver functions were suspect. trying to go easier these days and just do it whenever the weather changes and the pollen gets nuts.

huh, didn't think those alone would throw off a liver test

taking those, a ssri, and drinking a lot sure will though

don't drink and don't do ssris but the labs were pretty minor i guess.
i cut back on the antihistamines and they said it improved.

I had to shit so bad after lunch I waddled into the grocery store, asked the security guard where the john was, followed his point, shook both of the guys in there who were already shitting in the grocery store men's room, waddled back out, tried to not look like I was about to become a self-pooper, went back in, heard a flush, went over to the urinal to pretend that was why I was there (and to keep it so the past pooper and the future pooper (me) didn't make eye contact - this seems crucial) and then fast-waddled into the handicapped toilet and did my incredibly, life-and-limb, dear god, mission-critical serious business.

There was a stain on my boxers. I finished, cleaned up, GTFO there and caught a cab to my next appointment. I made the cabbie stop at my home (which was on the way, thankfully) so I could change my underwear. A REASON WHY TO WEAR BOOT CUT PANTS: you can take them off without taking your shoes off. A REASON WHY TO WEAR BOXERS: It's the same reason. Went to my next thing. Didn't smell like shit. Didn't tell anybody about the near-disaster I just avoided. But hidden in between the lines of this story are a lot of little good and bad decisions, like what I had for lunch, or how I didn't catch a cab before poop zero hit my guts. I'm lucky. That's all.

^^ reading that made me feel so alive, even if it was in your stead

a useful reminder that we're all just a short string of unfortunate events away from shitting ourselves - all day, every day. and then you die and your corpse can release the contents of its bowels free from mortal shame

and to keep it so the past pooper and the future pooper (me) didn't make eye contact - this seems crucial)

this is 100% right and correct - absolutely the last thing you want, just before you squat in the brown cloud left by the previous occupant of a stall, is to get the measure of his soul by looking him in the eye

theres a five step process to shitting at work

enter room. enter stall if free.

wait for anyone who saw you entering stall to leave

shit to your hearts content regardless of new entrants. disguise any grunts you might make to avoid detection.

wait for anyone who heard you shit to leave

exit with the confidence of a man who has not just shit

disguise any grunts you might make to avoid detection.

best way to do this is to blast dubstep from your phone's speaker while you're taking care of business ime

i am lucky enough to have access at work to a single toilet behind not just one but two lockable doors, which has basically ensured that i'll be working here until retirement or death

Same. It's digustingly luxurious but private bathroom ftw.

when I worked at the grocery store back in high school, a coworker would regularly steal a sandwich from the deli and a magazine from the racks, then sit in the shitter for the next hour eating and reading. Since we baggers were also the bathroom cleaners, we could ensure that the stalls were clean enough to support that.

when I worked in one of the largest buildings in the USA (3/4 mile long), when I needed to hit the can, I'd walk to a toilet on the other end of the building. bathroom breaks were a luxurious 30 minutes a pop. at least when I wasn't about to pop.

poppage is a long-standing issue for ilxors