thread to get over a breakup

i feel like i should be the one who gives the "no", that i'm the one who has had one foot in and one foot that can't help but tiptoe away, creating conflict where there shouldn't be any, arbitrary and tiresome conflict based on bad expectations and free-floating resentment. but now it's just sinking in, what i have at stake, that i have actual love at stake, what is actually out there waiting for me away from this (nothing but me). nothing definitive has been said yet, i don't think, at least not sober. it's been a few days, the pain is no longer imminent, and it feels good to be taking a break, staying at a friend's house, to be honest.

and then there's this man who i miss. and care about.

maybe that's the least that you need - just some space from each for a bit? although that can go both ways - you end up missing the routine of the relationship and totally forgetting all the bad stuff and get sucked back in, to your detriment, or you realize that the bad stuff truly isn't a big deal and can be worked through.

yeah

time and space = clarity. not there yet. maybe a few more weeks.

<3 matt

thanks

getting back into dating has been a failure so far. forcing yourself to wonder if you could work with someone feels too absurd after leaving someone with whom that was always obvious. "it will get easier eventually" but how soon is crucial. if life is mostly suffering punctuated by little periods of better, how am i supposed to take comfort in that? how much of an 80 year life has to be dominated by feeling like shit before it's fair to say that it wasn't a good idea in the first place?

forcing yourself to wonder if you could work with someone feels too absurd after leaving someone with whom that was always obvious

I know this feeling well. How long has it been since the breakup?

So I've been in the midst of trying to do a little writing about a breakup from long ago, and this afternoon I went looking through my gmail archives for something. I stumbled on the first emails that old ex and I ever exchanged, where we were talking about how to write about painful experiences, and the advice she gave me then is still good. It feels a little funny to apply it to writing about her.

So yes, tackle that story. It sounds like it will be amazing. It sounds like it might hurt. I walked around in a bad mood the entire time I was writing [a similarly painful story]. The words seep out of the pages, become moods you carry. Let it bring you down. Let it do what it needs to do to you. You'll get back up. You know that.

And--do I want to do something next week? Yes, absolutely.

wow

yeah kind of depth_charge.gif

*thinks of all the relationships gmail has seen*

i mean, *rhinks of all the telationships gmail has seen*

nice save, switching letters guy

So I've been in the midst of trying to do a little writing

ugh what a terrible set of words

met my ex-wife 20 years ago today

:/

you were always so stubbornly against seeing a therapist and now you're dating one

i wish you all the best!

nice.

a+.

you spent five years telling me you were selfish & emotionally unavailable and i kept asking you to love me.

finally figured out that you're emotionally unavailable.

i hope you find somebody that makes you happy.

this hurts considerably less than i expected it to.

have a hug anyway

i made a sandiwch, and then sobbed for half an hour, and then ate my sandwich

and now i kind of feel ok

thanks nv. <3

kinda sandwich?

i'm sorry, hoos.

but maybe you're heading toward a better place now, right?

peanut butter

it was p good

xp

but maybe you're heading toward a better place now, right?

― 1994 ball boy (Karl Malone), Thursday, August 27, 2015 2:23 PM (12 seconds ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

yes, i absolutely am. when the conversation started last night it was on the pretty well-tread ground of "i'm done with not dealing with my drinking problem" "i want to believe you, but you've said that so many times" "i don't need you to believe me. it's just over."

and it felt really good to say that.

yes!

you are heading toward the 'riding toward the sunset with a giant cowboy hat in front of majestic mountains' kind of better place

yeah this gon be gud

all my best hoos

ugh pb

do like mountains tho, head for the mts

"i don't need you to believe me. it's just over."

I can't think of anything more liberating to say/think/feel. GL Hoos

<3 Hoos

you're far away now, two time zones west

I did it all right, but only after doing all of it (and then some) wrong, and I got no one to blame but this yours-truly fuckin asshole, 2.5 years since

I miss you more than the one who left months ago, more by far, because some shit don't happen twice, but I own it cause I deserve it

and I'm still here.

hey, it's been five years

(very mel allen voice) how about that

i am 100% over you so why did i have a dream that was equal parts vivid and mundane last nite that involved me just hanging out with you and being given a tour of your new apartment for what seemed like hours

i sometimes have those too. somewhere in our subconscious they're still floating around, even though our waking brains thought they had been compartmentalized and forgotten.

xpost

i'm not sure if the five year anniversary is a happy one or a sad one, but i hope it's the former, or at least that it went better than the 1 year anniversary did.

http://brokenships.la

you owned books by jack donovan and had terrible taste but at the end of the day you were just a total asshole.

you're 53 and you left the mormon church years ago but you're still mormon as fuck, lying to everyone who isn't a blood relative, getting upset when i use swear words, making recipes which feature cream of mushroom soup, putting mayonnaise in your guacamole.

did i mention you owned books by jack donovan? you fetishized violence but didn't know anything about it you entitled ditzy cunt.

you kicked me out with nothing on a monday night when it was 20 degrees outside because i told you i was planning on breaking up with you when i got a job. and you accused me of being the mean one. go fuck yourself forever and ever. i will never go to burning man in remembrance of you.

Okay what the actual dickens *is* going on here

Map <3

just googled Jack Donovan o_O there's always one more bottom feeding right wing men's rights bullshit artist

sorry you're going through this but honestly anyone who would read that....

i doubt he even read much of it though to be fair it is completely unreadable. thanks guys. i'm in a much better place. ya'll know stevie d. he is the sweetest guy and a total saint for letting me stay with him for a bit. going back "home" across the country on friday. another start from scratch, the third in five years or so. feeling good about this one though. decent mental health, feeling more myself than ever. i know what i want from life. cheers and peace.

Best wishes matt. Stevie d is indeed the best.

best wishes, map<3
even though these are difficult days the recipes featuring cream of mushroom soup and the mayonnaise in the guacamole made me lol

:)