Sex Droughts

the longest i've gone since i was 16 was...five months.

braggin

posting for an ILXOR who emailed to say – anonymously - that:

"I'm in an otherwise happy long-term relationship where I have no say whatsoever in my sex life. My girlfriend is sexually avoidant and doesn't realize it, and masturbates with normal frequency (say once a week using a vibrator she often LEAVES OUT ON MY BUREAU WHEN SHE'S DONE) but turns me down flat whenever I make a move. We probably get around to sex once a month, and it's always when she wants it but won't initiate, so I pretty much have to guess when she's in the mood and risk getting shot down (most of the time) or maybe having sex that is largely for her benefit. She uses everything as an excuse to avoid sex, such as mood, temperature, an itchy knee, tiredness, stomachache, house-guests, problems at work, a dirty bedroom, her period (which has come to represent a whole 10 days of NOSEX). It's an otherwise wonderful relationship that's been going for years, but I'm beginning to wonder how much more of it I can take – especially because she gets super upset with me when I try to talk about it and says "I'm doing the best I can" or mumbles that she'll be more reliable, but then refuses to change anything."

I hate hearing about relationships like that, otherwise happy or not, and generally think they should be ended or at least opened up so the deprived partner can get what they want. Maybe I've listened to too many Savage Love podcasts.

Yeah Dan's #1 advice in situations like that is always "cheat cheat cheat." I was brought up too conservative to follow that advice, I think.

I don't think it's quite "cheat cheat cheat," it's more like "confront confront confront partner, and demand greater sexual satisfaction either inside or outside the partnership." Which I agree with in general, though risking blowing up an LTR is a lot easier said than done.

RIght, but the guy has never been averse to suggesting a guy or gal just sneak around after all that, rather than demanding a formal open relationship.

really? not at all the impression i've gotten. i think the usual sequence involves being up front about it and then if that doesn't work, dumping their ass

His disapproval of, or maybe disdain for, lifelong monogamy has been an interesting work in progress.

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=408931

And for the record: I've never "implied" that married people unjustly deprived of sex have a right to seek it elsewhere. I've hammered away at that point, year after lonely year.

welp

yeah but he makes a big deal about how you should seek it but also be honest about it - let the depriving partner figure out if they are gonna hang round or move out.

if you feel it's that important then it should be a relationship-ender imo. hard to say which party is trying to have the more cake and eat it in that situation

xp to remy's ilxor friend:

drag her ass into some kind of counselling. there are obviously some issues there but they're never getting discussed unless the issue is forced, and they're certainly never getting resolved if they're not being discussed.

was the sex always like this? is it a recent-ish thing?

what about writing her a letter that lays this all out? start with the positive (e.g. i love you, you're the greatest in every way etc.), and then follow with how her sexual behaviour really hurts you and it's important that you figure it out together, and if she's not comfortable talking about it then maybe she could write you back or you could both see a counselor - give her some options for dealing with the situation, but make sure all the options are about DEALING, not avoiding.

^

my understanding of his advice has always been:

you're not getting enough sex
ask your partner if you can work it out
if they're totally unwilling to come to any compromise, let them know that you will get your needs filled elsewhere
they can be ok with that, or they can leave, or they can decide that hey maybe making your partner happy is something they want to do after all

You have tried to insert a duplicate message.

Return to Front Page

i think a lot of ppl get really complacent and really selfish once they're in a LTR. they get almost too secure - they feel like they can do whatever and their partner won't leave, so they don't need to try so much anymore. i don't think it's always a conscious type of behaviour, but if you're the one feeling the negative effects of this, then you have to deal with it.

feel like it's almost crazily boring to say that communicating this stuff to your partner early is so vital

hell is other people

was the sex always like this? is it a recent-ish thing?

I think this is key, for a start.

I met a 21-year old this week who's dating a guy in his late '20s - he's only interested in sex once a month and even then she's got to fight for it. I am incapable of understanding how this happens or how anyone puts up with it (particularly less than a year into the relationship, no kids or other strings involved.)

(She's ending it as soon as she can save up enough cash to live on her own.)

i think a lot of ppl get really complacent and really selfish once they're in a LTR. they get almost too secure

this is very much spot on. For some people it can be *tremendously* easy to become complacent, comfy etc and not so desperately *need* sex all the time. Not everyone's highly sexed.

And for a woman who's had a child, this is even more the case: for many women, exhaustion and loss of body confidence are a major double-whammy that says "sex just ain't happening, sorry". A lot of guys dont seem to understand how hard it can be to switch on sometimes regardless of how hot you are for a person.

well to be pedantic, if yr "hot" for a person, then yr probably ready to bone down. if otoh you just really really care about them, but aren't, you know, horny, it could be hard to switch on even if you want to

I met a 21-year old this week who's dating a guy in his late '20s - he's only interested in sex once a month and even then she's got to fight for it.

shocking behavior, imo. but i'm mostly saying that as a guy in his late 20s who's in a drought. it's like finding out about ppl throwing away perfectly good stuff just cuz they don't like the look of it or something, ffs there are children starving in ethiopia, etc

milo are u gonna hit that or

feel like there is an implied "...can i?" floating

my experience as a young guy in a p long term relationship is that you lose the relentless, ever-present horniness of mundane moments doing things alone, but it is replaced by a more desperate & persistent strain whenever you're w/ your girl

Probably will never see her again, much less hit it. She was a friend of a friend and a little tipsy, venting TMI over pool.

at the one year mark now, kinda. ie, started but didn't finish a few weeks ago. THAT IS THE WORST. no details. none. BACK OFF.

details?

(j/k)

hehe.

Oh, dear. I hope things get better for you.

I had planned to find myself in a situation this week, but I got sick and didn't make the trip to Atlanta. Now I have no idea when I'll have sex again. It's only been since February, though.

I need to shoot for someone older who wouldn't mind settling for a snog with me.

yeah, if the sexual situation isn't changing after a conversation or some time in couples therapy, then i say it's time to dump the individual.

also, what guy in his older 20's doesn't want sex, like, all the time? i'm 26 and i start getting sad if i go more than two weeks. (that said, i'm also a huge fag and with a huge sex drive, so...)

when you go without it for a while yr desire goes down in my experience. but those first few weeks/months can be brutal.

reconnect with ex fizzled due to circumstances, now I'm at a coffee shop glaring bitterly at all the happy ppl and ogling the waitress I'm sure is a lesbian

crut otm

I'm tired of masturbating

take up another hobby?

i'm sitting next to a cute girl on this train and instead of being smooth and starting up a friendly conversation to pass time or what not, all I'm doing is sitting here typing and thinking to myself "geez I hope I don't fart"

train=plane

glaring bitterly at all the happy ppl and ogling the waitress I'm sure is a lesbian

Gotta watch out for this, I remember during a particularly bad one I glared at a happy couple of lesbians and realized after the fact that I did not appear to be a bitter singleton but instead a bitter homophobe.

uh dude in this case i am friends-of-friends with this particular beautiful waitress and word is that she's a lesbian. plus the couples i was scowling at (only mentally) were all straight as far as i could tell

How many people like it when a stranger starts talking to them on public transportation? I hate it with a passion.

i'm sitting next to a cute girl on this train and instead of being smooth and starting up a friendly conversation to pass time or what not, all I'm doing is sitting here typing and thinking to myself "geez I hope I don't fart"

This is a p good summary of my inner dialogue all the time, tbh.

My Christmas trip home was so incredibly loaded with emotion.
I can't believe I ran into a fleeting high school-era crush (who couldn't believe I remembered her).
Crazy chemistry! Sex drought over!
Never had a one night stand before. I'm that guy.
This worked out perfectly, though.

^login name OTM

awesome