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I come from the north-west of England, and I am well used to the insidious feeling that nothing is secure. I am inured to the fact that nothing can elude the wit of the 19-yr-old crack-Runcornian when it comes to lock-picking, bag-snatching and general stabbing. You have seen it on old footage: barely shaveworthy striplings running at a bag of straw yelling at the tops of their voices... Well, transpose that footage of 1950s bayonetting conscripts into the 21st century .... There are still a lot of sociopaths out there. They are just not trained. And they make their disgruntlement at no longer being eligible for conscription known by sowing the seeds of discord amongst the civilian quarter.

I don't know exactly what I would want to do to the three bastards who took advantage of my hospitality last night to steal my house keys, my car keys and my camera ... I can't really be arsed to invent a just and fitting dessert. I'm not a vengeful person. But if anyone would like to get a bit non-PC on me here (without prejudice, of course) I'd be willing more than willing to visit your suggestions upon the perpetrators of this crime... I guess I need friends at this moment, and even the wicked but cohesive wit of you guys seems à propos.

I know this is not a self-help group, or even a victims of crime forum ... but your hilarious vengeance scenarios might help me out!

Pooster (pooster), Friday, 29 November 2002 00:19 (twenty-one years ago) link

Does anyone want to buy a camera?

Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Friday, 29 November 2002 00:37 (twenty-one years ago) link

There’s no help for it, Pooster – what you have to do here is get inside the mind of the criminal.

Consider. Why did these unwashed, scrofulous, drooling graduates of Edge Hill University College steal your car keys? That’s right: so that they could drive away in your car.

So – why did they steal your house keys?

Correct. These leprotic, grebe-witted, Daymaker-enjoying, Lynskey-accepting-pints-from, residually mobile shards of psychic detritus are actually planning to drive away in your house!

That’s why they stole your camera – because they knew neither of their mates would believe in their house-driving exploits in the absence of photographic evidence!

Now, I want you to answer this question very, very carefully. Are you in your house at this moment?

If your answer is ‘Yes’, is it moving, and if so in what direction, at what speed, with what degree of structural damage and (most important) in what relation to the oncoming traffic?

If your answer is ‘No’, can you put your hand on your heart and assure us that your house is where you left it?

I feared as much. Here’s my third-best sleeping bag – Lebanese army issue, 1931, and I’m sorry about the congealed vomit but Aimless had it last and I’m afraid he was disconcerted by a hanging participle. These are your off-road concentrated survival rations, I know they look like a Rubik cube, but don’t worry, and they are meant to be chewy. Now, I suggest you huddle up in this disused plague pit – should be quite soft, with those rats in it – and brace yourself for the arrival of Hurricane Timothy, which will hit Cheltenham at four a.m. in what forecasters describe as ‘a blast of raw petulance’.

Revenge can wait, I’m afraid. I am sincerely sorry about the antics of these dickheads, but your first task is to endure the night. Good luck!

* drives away in turquoise stretch limousine filled with bunnies and nougat *

Rex (Rex), Saturday, 30 November 2002 01:43 (twenty-one years ago) link

Jeeeeeez! I so wanted to clamber into that gay, stupid-looking limousine! I think I would have found God in there.


I shall refrain from speaking forth about my assailants, even though, luckily, I have the mo fo nos of two of the three that did this thing to me. Stupidly, they gave them to me before they did the deed. Unfortunately for me, apparently, it takes the police 4 weeks to get the details of the holder of a mo fo. I guess I will have to wait. Although anyone who has a web-to-sms account who wants to piss these people off are friends of mine indeed: contact me for further details.

Pooster (pooster), Saturday, 30 November 2002 02:07 (twenty-one years ago) link

I'm sorry: I'm an editor. I couldn't let this one pass:

"residually mobile shards of psychic detritus"

Rex, one of us needs to recalibrate our reality. And it's probably not me. I hate to say this to you, since I have thrived on your every syllable since whenever ... but "residually mobile shards of psychic detritus"?

Rex, what's going on?

Pooster (pooster), Saturday, 30 November 2002 02:17 (twenty-one years ago) link

Yeah, yeah, yeah ... I know. That first colon should have been a semi-colon. Sue me.

Pooster (pooster), Saturday, 30 November 2002 02:30 (twenty-one years ago) link

And yes, before you say it, it's semicolon, not semi-colon.

Pooster (pooster), Saturday, 30 November 2002 02:37 (twenty-one years ago) link

an editor, you say?

Weebleman (StillSimon), Saturday, 30 November 2002 07:40 (twenty-one years ago) link

It's the sub-editors who do all the real work. Editors just squat on their hams in a circle and play at quoits all day. At least, that's how I heard it. I have never actually been inside a place of business.

I know this has nothing to do with your brief foray into criminality (or was it victimity? - I can never keep them straight). My attorney strongly advises me not to speak of that.

Aimless, Saturday, 30 November 2002 21:28 (twenty-one years ago) link

OK: victimality, and subeditoriality. You found me out. I don't play golf real well, and I don't have a Lexus. I am a sub-editor. Thank you, Aimless, for reminding me that I am the NCO of the media world.

Pooster (pooster), Sunday, 1 December 2002 00:18 (twenty-one years ago) link

Meanwhile I am hard at work on a fearsome apologia which will rout all critics, but progress is slow as I pause every half hour to ingest four quarts of Greek yogurt and honey.

Rex (Rex), Sunday, 1 December 2002 01:08 (twenty-one years ago) link

Poo, It's time for a beer ....

but more to the point ...

Was my Pentium 60 in the car at the time?



Andy Dozzer, Sunday, 1 December 2002 10:58 (twenty-one years ago) link

Four quarts of Greek yoghurt and honey!!?!

Rex, I see you take seriously the injunction to "drink deeply, or drink not, the Pierian spring". Although, in this case, for "Pierian spring" we must substitute the dairy cooler of your local grocery.
BTW, is the honey from Hymettos? Greeks always were very snobby about such small distinctions. God knows why Hymettos honey is supposed to be so wonderously good. I suppose the goats on Hymettos must have sweeter dung than those that frequent other mountainsides - though how this may have been discovered gives me pause...

Aimless, Sunday, 1 December 2002 21:09 (twenty-one years ago) link

. . simply cut the goat lengthways and see how much pure white sugar pours out of the inside. It is a well-guarded secret that a goats physiology is completely different from pretty much every other animal. Their interiors consist of between 40 to 80 percent sugar depending on the breed, the rest is of course that lovely bitter milk that makes Robin's beloved feta. Oh and of course minimal flesh in the form of boundary sacks to seperate the two substances.

Lynskey (Lynskey), Monday, 2 December 2002 13:50 (twenty-one years ago) link

Guys! Don't give him help! Don't you realise he's about to completely twat me with his apologia!? I'm like a Spanish chicken buried up to its neck in grit, just waiting for him to visit his boulder of wit upon my oh-so-easily-crushed bird-skull! Stay his hand! Don't tell him what the best type of honey is! Get him pissed instead! And whilst you're at it, tell him I never meant to make an enemy out of him! Tell him everything is okay! Look! I've eviscerated this goat in his honour! Guys! Please! Noooo! KKKKraKKK! Gnuh.

Pooster (pooster), Tuesday, 3 December 2002 01:32 (twenty-one years ago) link

LEAVE POO ALONE whoever you are!!! There...that ought to do it. Now. Can I have the giblets?

Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Tuesday, 3 December 2002 01:50 (twenty-one years ago) link

Here you are ... I'll serve them up right fresh, straight from the belly, as it were... mmmm warm n all! And no strange diseases like MNM or RNB neither. I tend to keep my umbles clean and syndrome-free. Bon appétit!

Pooster (pooster), Wednesday, 4 December 2002 00:11 (twenty-one years ago) link

twelve years pass...

Part of the evidence against Ulbricht from Silk Road was testimony from a friend:

“Yes, he did,” Mr. Bates said, adding, “He shared with me that he created and ran the Silk Road website.”

I think a difficult part of being a criminal is keeping it a secret. This dude had to share his honestly astounding accomplishment with someone.

calstars, Thursday, 5 February 2015 02:28 (eight years ago) link

Astoundingly, a Google search on Editors just squat on their hams in a circle and play at quoits all day yields this thread as its first result, whereas a search on He shared with me that he created and ran the Silk Road website just tosses up a multitude of results such as one may find in any well-stocked trash bin.

Aimless, Thursday, 19 February 2015 00:46 (eight years ago) link

one year passes...

Astoundingly, a Google search on "Editors just squat on their hams in a circle and play at quoits all day" yields this thread as its first result

Still true as ever.

a little too mature to be cute (Aimless), Monday, 23 January 2017 07:09 (six years ago) link

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