Crime

Consider. Why did these unwashed, scrofulous, drooling graduates of Edge Hill University College steal your car keys? That’s right: so that they could drive away in your car.

So – why did they steal your house keys?

Correct. These leprotic, grebe-witted, Daymaker-enjoying, Lynskey-accepting-pints-from, residually mobile shards of psychic detritus are actually planning to drive away in your house!

That’s why they stole your camera – because they knew neither of their mates would believe in their house-driving exploits in the absence of photographic evidence!

Now, I want you to answer this question very, very carefully. Are you in your house at this moment?

If your answer is ‘Yes’, is it moving, and if so in what direction, at what speed, with what degree of structural damage and (most important) in what relation to the oncoming traffic?

If your answer is ‘No’, can you put your hand on your heart and assure us that your house is where you left it?

I feared as much. Here’s my third-best sleeping bag – Lebanese army issue, 1931, and I’m sorry about the congealed vomit but Aimless had it last and I’m afraid he was disconcerted by a hanging participle. These are your off-road concentrated survival rations, I know they look like a Rubik cube, but don’t worry, and they are meant to be chewy. Now, I suggest you huddle up in this disused plague pit – should be quite soft, with those rats in it – and brace yourself for the arrival of Hurricane Timothy, which will hit Cheltenham at four a.m. in what forecasters describe as ‘a blast of raw petulance’.

Revenge can wait, I’m afraid. I am sincerely sorry about the antics of these dickheads, but your first task is to endure the night. Good luck!

* drives away in turquoise stretch limousine filled with bunnies and nougat *

Ho-hum.

I shall refrain from speaking forth about my assailants, even though, luckily, I have the mo fo nos of two of the three that did this thing to me. Stupidly, they gave them to me before they did the deed. Unfortunately for me, apparently, it takes the police 4 weeks to get the details of the holder of a mo fo. I guess I will have to wait. Although anyone who has a web-to-sms account who wants to piss these people off are friends of mine indeed: contact me for further details.

"residually mobile shards of psychic detritus"

Rex, one of us needs to recalibrate our reality. And it's probably not me. I hate to say this to you, since I have thrived on your every syllable since whenever ... but "residually mobile shards of psychic detritus"?

Rex, what's going on?

I know this has nothing to do with your brief foray into criminality (or was it victimity? - I can never keep them straight). My attorney strongly advises me not to speak of that.

but more to the point ...

Was my Pentium 60 in the car at the time?

Bastards.

Doz

Rex, I see you take seriously the injunction to "drink deeply, or drink not, the Pierian spring". Although, in this case, for "Pierian spring" we must substitute the dairy cooler of your local grocery.
BTW, is the honey from Hymettos? Greeks always were very snobby about such small distinctions. God knows why Hymettos honey is supposed to be so wonderously good. I suppose the goats on Hymettos must have sweeter dung than those that frequent other mountainsides - though how this may have been discovered gives me pause...

Part of the evidence against Ulbricht from Silk Road was testimony from a friend:

“Yes, he did,” Mr. Bates said, adding, “He shared with me that he created and ran the Silk Road website.”

I think a difficult part of being a criminal is keeping it a secret. This dude had to share his honestly astounding accomplishment with someone.

Astoundingly, a Google search on Editors just squat on their hams in a circle and play at quoits all day yields this thread as its first result, whereas a search on He shared with me that he created and ran the Silk Road website just tosses up a multitude of results such as one may find in any well-stocked trash bin.

Astoundingly, a Google search on "Editors just squat on their hams in a circle and play at quoits all day" yields this thread as its first result

Still true as ever.