Guiness

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Does anyone have a phone number for Ireland?

Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Friday, 8 April 2005 02:16 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

1-900-red-head

That will get you what ya want.

Dunno about Kathy Ireland though......

еdë §téè£, Friday, 8 April 2005 02:27 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

I've just finished a bottle, not as stout as the draugh in Hong Kong. I was distressed to find that I couldn't get the olive out without breaking the bottle and after I did, it was hard to chew.

Althought I'm an illiterate redneck Yank. I know about Guiness. (By the way, Mr. Guinness, you ain't as stout as you used to be but then neither am I.)

I know the story: Some underpaid jerk burnt the malt and sold the shit to the shoremen cheap. It caught on. Now rednecks in Missouri drink it.

Here's why I want to call Ireland: Those damn olives could break a tooth. I like Guinness. These assholes here in America will sue someone for farting. Here's my suggestion: Leave the olives out, make the beer as repugnent as the brew I came to love. I ( icant find the v) Oh! I've put down two of them while writing this. I've got a buzz. How many pages was Tolstoy's "War and Peace"? I'm going to have another Gunness and attempt to rival him.

I can see it now: "Guinness, The Greatest Novel Ever Written."

It will begin with a poor lad who, besause of poverty, was forced to share a bed with his sister. As they matured,and this will be further detailed in the complete novel, she became pregnant and they were exiled from the community, much to the relief of their parents who, after their departure could share the WHOLE potatoe. They fled into the forrest and lived on nuts and berries and slept in a hollow tree. It was a small tree so they had to sleep standing up which was somewhat uncomfortable for a pregnant girl.

A son was born and he eventually went to work for Guinness and the rest is history.

I can't elaborate on any of this right now because I have to get another beer and pee.

Watch for me in your favorite book store.

I just tried to post this and Dude Steel has this thing tied up. I know where he lives. I'm going to go up there and poop on his porch.

Hey, Dude? Back off on that caffene, it's bedtime, Bubba.

Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Friday, 8 April 2005 04:07 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

Guy Ness, Jan. 30, 1603 - Aug 19, 1648 was a tenant farmer from outside Inverness who died fighting in Hamilton's army during the battle of Preston. His son, Aleister Ness emigrated to Belfast where he opened an inn called the Scotch Guard. When his on-the-side brewing business took off he decided to name it for his father but his spelling wasn't too good. The rest, as they say, is n'importe quoi.

M. White (Miguelito), Friday, 8 April 2005 20:42 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

WELL THANK'S A LOT MICHAEL.

You just fucked me out of a Nobel Prize.

I hope your cat shits on your carpet.

Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Friday, 8 April 2005 22:07 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

Zen, please stop giving my cats bad ideas. They're wily enough as it is.

M. White (Miguelito), Monday, 11 April 2005 16:40 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

Guy Ness, Jan. 30, 1603 - Aug 19, 1648 was a tenant farmer from outside Inverness

His monstrously ugly brother Loch went swimming in the local lake one August morning in 1622 AND WAS NEVER SEEN AGAIN.

C J (C J), Monday, 11 April 2005 17:07 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

Are you inferring that Nessie's HAD A SEX CHANGE?

M. White (Miguelito), Monday, 11 April 2005 21:14 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

It was quite unintentional. Whilst swimming that day, Loch became entangled in an assortment of rubbish which had been dumped in the lake - old bicycles, perambulators and shopping trolleys (despite the fact none of these had actually even been invented yet) - and he sliced his tackle off. Nasty affair. You can't really blame him/her for keeping a low profile after that.

C J (C J), Tuesday, 12 April 2005 04:45 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

And to compensate (s)he began a gargantuan overeating diet and plucked (her)his body clean of any and all hair?

M. White (Miguelito), Tuesday, 12 April 2005 14:27 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

You people need a serious lesson in geography. Belfast is Northern Ireland and the swaggering drunks who vomit on the pavement and piss in every corner are in the South - mostly in Dublin, because Dublin is home to the beautiful bitters. Guiness gets it glorious colour from the river Liffy, whose waters are used to make the brew. If you have seen the Liffy, you know what I say is true.

This brew gets it's name from the only words the drunks can utter, when tossed uncerimoniously onto the streets on pub closing. "Guiness", they mutter, adjusting their tweeds looking around for a place to shake out their wee. If they weren't so bloody Irish, they'd be less drunk, and therefore be able to say "Goodness", which is actually what they mean to say upon finding their warm bar-tools plucked from beneath their bums.

The Loch is an altogether different correction in geography. Tenpting as it is, you cannot wrap all celts into one sorry mess.

MSW (MSW), Tuesday, 12 April 2005 20:54 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

Dear Sirs and Madam:

Please be advised that this thread is required reading in my Improbable History class at Pungston University. ( "P.U., where the stench is unequaled.")

Professor Phidias P. Phosh, MB, Pungston University

Phiddy (Zen Clown), Thursday, 14 April 2005 02:39 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

MB? Master of Bullshit?

M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 14 April 2005 14:08 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

MB - Mutton Balls

MSW (MSW), Thursday, 14 April 2005 19:42 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

Musty Bollocks?

M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 14 April 2005 20:17 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

Meaty Bunions

MSW (MSW), Thursday, 14 April 2005 21:26 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

Monkey Business

M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 14 April 2005 21:53 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

"MB? Master of Bullshit?"

Mister White may move to the front of the class.

Professor Phidias P. Phosh, MB, Pungston University


Phiddy (Zen Clown), Friday, 15 April 2005 00:52 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

I don't think you're a real Professor.

C J (C J), Friday, 15 April 2005 09:29 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

Don't do it...don't move to front of the class! His cane has easy reach of your knuckles at the front. The fake professors are the worst!

MSW (MSW), Friday, 15 April 2005 13:28 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

I'm not worried though I may get some odd stares for wearing this to class

ihttp://www.swordsandarmor.com/images/AR008_White_Knight_Armor.JPG

Professor Phosh, I believe you may have seen some of my recent work in Improbable History. I think we should elaborate on the theory (was it Rex's?) that Scotland is a myth.

M. White (Miguelito), Friday, 15 April 2005 15:06 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

"I don't think you're a real Professor."

Good interjection! Thank you for sharing that with me.

As a reward for your enthusiasm, I want you to write a small dissertation on reality. 1000, 1500 words. Nothing elaborate.

A part, a large part of this marvelous realm we are about to explore; Improbable History, involves questioning reality.

We will begin with Bibical beginnings and move forward in time from that improbable point.

Shall we begin?

Phiddy (Zen Clown), Sunday, 17 April 2005 05:26 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

"Bibical" as we all know, is the calorie-controlled diet devised in 1963 by the Swedish film star Bibi Andersson. The "Bibical Beginnings" were her suggested entrées, which consisted mostly of a vat full of Risgrynsgröt and several pints of Glögg.

C J (C J), Sunday, 17 April 2005 17:34 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

I recieved an e-mail just this past week concerning Bibical beginnings.

The explanation contained within the e-mail stated much the same as you say CJ but the major differance was that the name was derived as thus..

"Bi" as in two

"bi" as in two

"cal" as in calander and therefore twelve

This way it translates as 2 x 2 x 12 which equals 48.

48 calories is all that Bibi Anderson would allow herself to consume each day.

Following this diet she was able to reduce herself from a portly 127 pounds down to a svelt 43 pounds 3 ounces.

As for the Risgrynsgröt and several pints of Glögg, she was an avid fan of binge and purge which she swore didn't count towards her ideal 48 calories.

еdë §téè£ (еdë §téè£), Monday, 18 April 2005 01:54 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

I'm afraid Herr §téè£ and CJ are somewhat confused. The "bibi" part of "bibical" comes from the Occitan for 'drink' and the 'cal' similarly from the Occitan for 'hot'. Bibical beginnings was Mistral's playful name for his morning coffee, though for some of us it may be tea, grog, sake, microwaved tequila, Irish Coffee, or even orange juice left in the sun too long. In Britain it is often referred to as 'bitter' or 'ale'.

M. White (Miguelito), Monday, 18 April 2005 17:29 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

EXCELLENT!

This is proceeding quite nicely. Quite nicely indeed and without my input, I might add. Right! Well! I'm off for a game of quoits.

Carry on. Do try to make your notes legible as I will be reading them at the rnd of the week.

Professor Phidias P. Phosh, M.B.

Phiddy (Zen Clown), Monday, 18 April 2005 23:52 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

The rnd of the week...hmmm. Very hard keeping up with such an evolving language. My guesses, submitted rather humbley:

Bar vernacular - for the best round of beers purchased all week
Foodie speak - Sunday's roast (as in eye of the round)
Business lingo - This week's lastest Research and Development.

MSW (MSW), Tuesday, 19 April 2005 21:07 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

rnd = really naughty day

M. White (Miguelito), Tuesday, 19 April 2005 22:04 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

Oh yeah, Wednesday.

C J (C J), Wednesday, 20 April 2005 05:13 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

And how is that dissertation coming along, young lady.

Will we be ready by Friday?

Endeavour, lass, endeavour.

Phiddy (Zen Clown), Wednesday, 20 April 2005 05:30 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

Today is Hitler's birthday.

It is rumored that he could cook an egg, over easy, without breaking the yoke, consistantly.

While his infamous deeds dominate history, his culinary skills and his predilection to wear Eva's underwear go almost unnoticed.

The fascinating world of Improbable History will allow us to go beyond the last page of the encyclopedia.

Caligula and his horse. How far did that go?

We'll see, we'll see.

A copy of your notes and CJ's dissertation on reality are due on Friday.

Professor Phidias P. Phosh, MB, Pungston University


Phiddy (Zen Clown), Wednesday, 20 April 2005 06:26 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

Wait, CJ is studying to be realitor?

M. White (Miguelito), Wednesday, 20 April 2005 14:48 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

Yes, she heard Scotland was for sale.

MSW (MSW), Wednesday, 20 April 2005 19:46 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

Sutors of Cromarty, Highland, Scotland, United Kingdom

Cozy 3 bedroom converted 17th cent. bicycle, perambulator and shopping trolley factory with lochfront view, 1.5 bath, new kitchen, guaranteed haunted. Boathouse and dock. Call CJ Unrroolae for details.

M. White (Miguelito), Wednesday, 20 April 2005 20:15 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

Somehow I feel that "Ask A Drunk Property Services" wouldn't get much business.

A / F#m / Bm / D (Lynskey), Wednesday, 20 April 2005 22:05 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

You don't think "Al Kohollac's Doss House Rentals" is euphonic enough?

M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 21 April 2005 15:27 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

The Sirens were euphonic, but sailors continued to plug their ears, despite their sweet melody.

MSW (MSW), Thursday, 21 April 2005 17:56 (thirteen years ago) Permalink

seven years pass...

guiness

things that are jokes pretty much (Nilmar Honorato da Silva), Friday, 28 December 2012 04:15 (six years ago) Permalink

the quality of guin

banlieue jagger (darraghmac), Friday, 28 December 2012 04:16 (six years ago) Permalink

i don't drink it, i doubt i've consumed a pint in total in my entire life. it tastes like dirtyish water, even tho it looks so good

banlieue jagger (darraghmac), Friday, 28 December 2012 04:16 (six years ago) Permalink

the quality of GUI surely

things that are jokes pretty much (Nilmar Honorato da Silva), Friday, 28 December 2012 04:17 (six years ago) Permalink

i have relatives who have drank probably at least three or four pints a day of the stuff for decades

things that are jokes pretty much (Nilmar Honorato da Silva), Friday, 28 December 2012 04:18 (six years ago) Permalink

mar ya sure we all have those ffs, i had an uncle who would probably have averaged ten a day for forty years

banlieue jagger (darraghmac), Friday, 28 December 2012 04:19 (six years ago) Permalink

he did well to last to 47 on an intake like that

things that are jokes pretty much (Nilmar Honorato da Silva), Friday, 28 December 2012 04:20 (six years ago) Permalink

i like guiness but i just don't get how people can drink it as a staple drink all the time

i would rather drink a bottle of crap vodka than ten pints of guiness, not that i would want to do either

things that are jokes pretty much (Nilmar Honorato da Silva), Friday, 28 December 2012 04:20 (six years ago) Permalink

well no, but there's so many occasions where one is forced to choose, don't you find

banlieue jagger (darraghmac), Friday, 28 December 2012 04:22 (six years ago) Permalink

ads are good tho, and the foreigns and the expats love the idea of the stuff, and the brewery is cool and takes up most of dublin 8

banlieue jagger (darraghmac), Friday, 28 December 2012 04:23 (six years ago) Permalink

some of these ppl drink a few pints along with probably any other alcoholic drink that doesn't contain that emetic purple dye they used to put in industrial ethanol to dissuade vagrants

only one of them belongs to that curious type who never drinks any noncaffeinated beverage apart from guiness

things that are jokes pretty much (Nilmar Honorato da Silva), Friday, 28 December 2012 04:25 (six years ago) Permalink

anyway in terms of guinessnesses naija export > irish export > draught > normal > the classic old fashioned retro one

things that are jokes pretty much (Nilmar Honorato da Silva), Friday, 28 December 2012 04:27 (six years ago) Permalink

the naija stuff is the stuff so i hear

banlieue jagger (darraghmac), Friday, 28 December 2012 04:27 (six years ago) Permalink

The oldest available variant of Guinness, Foreign Extra Stout dates back to 1801, when it was first exported from the St. James's Gate brewery in Dublin.[6] It was formulated for Irish immigrant workers in the Caribbean, brewed intermittently, and was originally known as West India Porter.[7][8] In order to survive the long journey overseas, it was brewed with extra hops, which acted as a natural preservative for the beer.[1] The first shipment of Guinness officially arrived on the African continent in 1827 in Sierra Leone.[9] It was first introduced as Foreign Extra Stout around 1849.[8] Initially it was matured at the brewery for 12 to 18 months.[8]

Sales of FES in Nigeria became so great that in 1962 Guinness built the third brewery in their history in Ikeja, to cater for the demand; previously the beer had been imported from Dublin.

banlieue jagger (darraghmac), Friday, 28 December 2012 04:29 (six years ago) Permalink

i think most of the strange medicinal flavour comes from sorghum

think it appeals in some of the same way as islay whiskies do

things that are jokes pretty much (Nilmar Honorato da Silva), Friday, 28 December 2012 04:35 (six years ago) Permalink

you'd want a reason to finish the first few, much like whiskey i guess- there's definitely an appeal to a pint of it sitting in a dark corner in an oaky bar

banlieue jagger (darraghmac), Friday, 28 December 2012 04:39 (six years ago) Permalink

foreigns and the expats love the idea of the stuff = this is probably relevant, since they are all deracinated to some degree and guiness represents some essential ethnoreligious values

the marketing as a whole is noxious, not only for being part of the whole shitty contrived neo-craic culture (from the ancient insular celtic for 'bantz') but also because guiness in actual ireland is so embedded and commonplace and relates to whole world of sombre isolated gaeltacht hovels far from the american tourists and vomitstrewn streets of dublin

some concerned marxist broad said as much in the guardian last year but i don't think it got coverage on ilx

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2012/oct/02/guinness-arthurs-day-diageo-ireland/print

things that are jokes pretty much (Nilmar Honorato da Silva), Friday, 28 December 2012 04:47 (six years ago) Permalink

ah now here

banlieue jagger (darraghmac), Friday, 28 December 2012 04:51 (six years ago) Permalink

th emarketing covers a wider range than that, from the postcard stuff to the arty mystic celt to the cheeky abstract to the effects extravaganza and back to the traditional again, so i mean to criticise it based on one aspect of that is misplaced imo

and yeah they do drink it surely down the counthry but the dubs put it away too, it's sunk in the shiny gastropubs of temple bar by trainee accountants in terrible suits- again the marketing of it there isn't in too many ways an unfair strategy, or inaccurate

tho you are correct in saying that supped through scant yellow teeth in the gaeltacht hovel is prob the quintessential method

banlieue jagger (darraghmac), Friday, 28 December 2012 04:55 (six years ago) Permalink

"We've arrived at it over the last six months and we've started to roll it out globally. It's the first time we have a full global positioning on Guinness, so it's very exciting from that perspective.

"One of the reasons why we’ve been able to achieve that is that as a positioning it works very well in driving the proposition of the brand – a beer that is made of more – but also it’s what our drinkers are about – people who are made of more.

http://www.marketingmagazine.co.uk/news/rss/1156974/Q-A-Guinness-global-strategy-communications-director-Grainne-Wafer/

things that are jokes pretty much (Nilmar Honorato da Silva), Friday, 28 December 2012 05:06 (six years ago) Permalink

wafer thin stuff

banlieue jagger (darraghmac), Friday, 28 December 2012 05:09 (six years ago) Permalink

but i mean look wtf do you expect marketing ppl to be like, anything anywhere? yes shoot them all shoot them all of course, but to what end attack the product as if it were anything unusual?

banlieue jagger (darraghmac), Friday, 28 December 2012 05:10 (six years ago) Permalink

im not attacking the product deems

things that are jokes pretty much (Nilmar Honorato da Silva), Friday, 28 December 2012 05:14 (six years ago) Permalink

nonetheless i stand by it

banlieue jagger (darraghmac), Friday, 28 December 2012 05:27 (six years ago) Permalink

a poster that is made of more

things that are jokes pretty much (Nilmar Honorato da Silva), Friday, 28 December 2012 05:30 (six years ago) Permalink

i cant goon i'll goon

banlieue jagger (darraghmac), Friday, 28 December 2012 05:35 (six years ago) Permalink

It's nice in comparison to mass-produced lagers, but it's fucking rough on the guts in my experience.

I drink it now and again but the spread of the watery extra cold type, often the standard in the UK, really puts me off. There are times where I'd have a big Guinness session though, a good warm and thick pint of it makes sense in winter.

The stuff about its relative quality in Ireland, or the need to keep it in a certain way, is exaggerated a bit, but there are pubs in Dublin (and obv elsewhere) where it really seems to have different and better qualities.

The thicker the better, obviously, and it should be room temperature. Bubbles are a bad sign too. It should hardly spill if you tilt it left or right, if the top is all head as it should be.

The power of their marketing is more real than any other brand. Even note deems saying it looks nice above. The success it has as a mass-produced pint that isn't lager, must need constant maintenance. They really have to indoctrinate new generations into it.

Overall tho, as mentioned, the fact it makes you shit about five times the next day is the major drawback.

Heterocyclic ring ring (LocalGarda), Friday, 28 December 2012 08:22 (six years ago) Permalink

part of the whole shitty contrived neo-craic culture (from the ancient insular celtic for 'bantz')

Was just saying this on Facebook earlier this week, about bantz/craic.

Heterocyclic ring ring (LocalGarda), Friday, 28 December 2012 08:24 (six years ago) Permalink

I like to drink guiness because for some reason it doesn't make me feel bloated? w/ normal beers I am burping and want to explode like the blueberry tart in wonka after 2, but guiness stays in me alright

I think it's cuz they carbonize w/ nitrogen?

乒乓, Friday, 28 December 2012 13:13 (six years ago) Permalink

carbonate

乒乓, Friday, 28 December 2012 13:13 (six years ago) Permalink

LG otm there. I rarely drink it in the UK unless I'm in a pub with especially dire beer choice. 95% of pubs in Ireland have especially dire beer choice so I'd probably end up drinking Guinness here anyway even if the average quality wasn't a bit better (less chance of "Extra Cold" anyway).

Not really a datapoint but the majority of my Irish friends drink Guinness regularly. It can definitely lead to an unforgiving day-after though, e.g. last Sunday.

a Christmas .gif for you from (seandalai), Friday, 28 December 2012 13:53 (six years ago) Permalink

also I have never ever ever gotten why people think it's so 'heavy' or is like 'drinking bread' or 'sits bad' - it is like, the lightest beer for me :\

乒乓, Friday, 28 December 2012 13:56 (six years ago) Permalink

Do you find that after 8/9 pints? I know what you mean to an extent, like you can really our Guinness away without gassiness, but it does ultimately leave you feeling pretty weary.

Heterocyclic ring ring (LocalGarda), Friday, 28 December 2012 19:03 (six years ago) Permalink

Put* not our

Heterocyclic ring ring (LocalGarda), Friday, 28 December 2012 19:03 (six years ago) Permalink

Apparently, under cover of darkness, the unthinkable has happened on Ask A Drunk: a serious conversation about alcoholic beverages, pursued in all earnestness, including the exchange of actual information and genuine opinions.

How can we put a stop to this?

Aimless, Saturday, 29 December 2012 01:50 (six years ago) Permalink

accuse someone of being a sock

banlieue jagger (darraghmac), Saturday, 29 December 2012 01:54 (six years ago) Permalink

Do you find that after 8/9 pints? I know what you mean to an extent, like you can really our Guinness away without gassiness, but it does ultimately leave you feeling pretty weary.

i feel weary after 9 pints of anything tbh

乒乓, Saturday, 29 December 2012 02:44 (six years ago) Permalink

darragh, you're a taxi.

Aimless, Saturday, 29 December 2012 19:46 (six years ago) Permalink


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