Does God answer your prayers?

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First, we must deal with these specious claims that there is no god but god, or that god comes in three flavours like Neapolitan ice cream, or that god loves us and wants us to be happy.

I claim (for the purposes of argument solely) that god (aka God) is shaped like a Rubic's Cube, except with more little squares on each side, so he's harder to solve. You will not see any ten-year-old whiz kids whipping God out of their pockets and solving His mystery in less than twenty seconds, because they learned how on a web site.

Now, for the question, yes, Virginia, God answers all your prayers. You just weren't listening hard enough to Him. This makes Him wroth and most likely you shall be consigned to hell.

Aimless (Aimless), Monday, 8 November 2004 23:30 (nineteen years ago) link

Mostly, God just says 'no' to me. No, I won't fix that lottery for you. No, I will not make that stunningly beautiful, witty, vivacious, sexual glutton become hopelessy besotted with you. No, you can't take back the reckless manouever by which you managed to cut your finger. I'm beginning to tire of 'Him' actually. Thinking of cancelling my subscription and hiring 'Luck' or 'Providence'.

Michael White (Hereward), Tuesday, 9 November 2004 00:25 (nineteen years ago) link

nine months pass...
I've prayed for something recently and I feel disappointed at God. The Bible states that he will give you the desires of your heart. I became a Christian at 16 and had been praying since I was 18 to meet the right man and have children. Well I am 44, can't have children and don't even have a relationship with a man. I have not found anyone to marry. I recently tried to rent a room in my house for extra income as I am totally financially on my own, having no spouse. I can't even find a room-mate. I now don't believe he gives you the desires of your heart and even have been having negative thoughts that I might have more luck praying to Santa Clause or the Easter bunny for all the answers I've been getting lately.

Maybe I should just have no expectations. After all they say if you have no expectations you can't get dissappointed. Maybe when I pray I should just pray for what I need or want, Ie a room-mate and then leave it and not have any expectations of God. That way when it doesn't happen I'm not dissappointed and if it does happen I will be surprised and thankful.

michele, Thursday, 25 August 2005 03:57 (eighteen years ago) link

There is no God.

God is like that imaginary friend we had as a child or that imaginary sex partner we conjure up when we masturbate.

Yes, Your God DOES answer your prayers.

Your God is whomever you want Him or Her Or It to be.

MY God happens to be a black woman with very large breasts wearing crotchless panties.

Zen Clown, Friday, 26 August 2005 20:56 (eighteen years ago) link

Please pay no attention to my previous post. It made no sense whatsoever...

Except, perhaps, to Linkey, who is only a visitor on this planet.

Zen Clown, Friday, 26 August 2005 21:03 (eighteen years ago) link

michele, here's my exceptionally well-thought-out advice: pray for a puppy. God is currently overstocked with puppies and will be more than happy to arrange for you to get one. Do not pray for dog food, shots, or neutering. He gets grumpy when you do. Just settle for the puppy and you'll be fine... until, of course, the day comes when God - as he must - calls your puppy home to heaven. I can testify that this day will come, even though, in my case, it was a brindled guinea pig, and "the day" came just one day after we acquired it. We didn't even have it insured, yet. Lucky for us we weren't out more than one head of lettuce before it kicked the bucket. We were poor, but honest folks, and couldn't afford better.

Aimless (Aimless), Saturday, 27 August 2005 02:34 (eighteen years ago) link

I mourn for you.

I understand.

My wife and my goat were out in the field and they were both struck dead by a lightning bolt out of the blue.

Oh, God...I miss that goat.

Zen Clown, Saturday, 27 August 2005 21:03 (eighteen years ago) link

Do you suppose god kept me from this blog to withold the pure enjoyment I get from reading your posts? I hope he never speaks to me. If he did I imagine he will have one of those high-pitched sexless voices and a lisp. I would laugh myself to sleep and miss any pearls of wisdom he'd cast my way. Mr. White, I sacked god ages ago, and not wanting to be fool-hardy, have replaced him with nothing at all. Seems to work just fine (except when things go wrong, I have no to blame but my wife. Yes, seems to work just fine).

MSW (MSW), Monday, 29 August 2005 21:52 (eighteen years ago) link

I think the mistake you have been making michele, is that God doesn't run some kind of agency for finding husbands and/or room mates. You'd think it'd be a good niche market for him really, what with him being omniscient and all, but he's too busy doing Other Things, such as moving in mysterious ways (which I think probably means salsa dancing classes, but I could be wrong).

I'm not quite sure why you are so keen to acquire yourself a husband - all they do is leave the toilet seat up, drop dirty socks on the bedroom floor, snore loudly and hog the TV remote control (although, give them their due, they're great at getting rid of spiders) - but I can't help feeling that your continued spinsterhood is as a result of you being far too picky.

C J (C J), Tuesday, 30 August 2005 09:03 (eighteen years ago) link

Do you think god has any time to find Michele a suitable mate between dropping socks, lifting toilet seats and hogging remotes? Hardly!

MSW (MSW), Tuesday, 30 August 2005 16:54 (eighteen years ago) link

I hadn't thought of that.

C J (C J), Tuesday, 30 August 2005 17:20 (eighteen years ago) link

Mind you, had god been a woman, michele would have fared no better. God would be too busy matching her shoes to her purse, nagging the poor archangels about their lazy ways and advising michele to stay clear of men lest she endured dropped socks, dew-drops on the toilet seat and a very busy remote.

MSW (MSW), Wednesday, 31 August 2005 13:55 (eighteen years ago) link

Not to mention the time it takes Her to put on the divine makeup and the eternities required for Her to dry Her celestial lingerie in the bathroom.

M. White (Miguelito), Wednesday, 31 August 2005 15:31 (eighteen years ago) link

Can you even begin to imagine how awful an omnipotent deity would be when she was being all premenstrually unreasonable and shouty?

C J (C J), Wednesday, 31 August 2005 16:55 (eighteen years ago) link

I am so glad you brought that up 'cause I wasn't about to go there. What if She's the type that then collapses in tears? Imagine the galaxies of chocolate She would require to comfort Her.

M. White (Miguelito), Wednesday, 31 August 2005 19:45 (eighteen years ago) link

C J (C J), Thursday, 1 September 2005 04:58 (eighteen years ago) link

Good one. I'll out on a ginormous kettle and offer Her a back or foot massage. We might even make it through this.

M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 1 September 2005 14:23 (eighteen years ago) link

*drops trousers*

Zen Clown, Thursday, 1 September 2005 18:34 (eighteen years ago) link

If god were a woman, dropping trousers would be a mortal sin.

MSW (MSW), Thursday, 1 September 2005 20:26 (eighteen years ago) link

I disagree. Depending on the relative turgor in one's bits, She might consider it a form of worship.

Phallolatry, Thursday, 1 September 2005 20:45 (eighteen years ago) link

It is.

Zen Clown, Thursday, 1 September 2005 22:03 (eighteen years ago) link


If you people can't come up with anything more humorous than this...

I may be tempted to re-create you.

You know those penises and vaginas you have so much fun with? Consider having scales and webbed feet and asexuality. I can do that. I'm God.

Jacob? YOU stay out of this.

I CAN send Bukowskie or whatever his name was to haunt you.

"If you want to know who God is, ask a drunk."

Heh, heh. I must admit...that amused me.

God, Thursday, 1 September 2005 23:40 (eighteen years ago) link

So then, how're you fixed for puppies, inventory-wise? A good time for an overstock sale, or what?

Aimless (Aimless), Friday, 2 September 2005 02:22 (eighteen years ago) link

Excuse me?

I do not think puppies are anything to joke about.

If you want to make light of about a giant comet or some atomic bombs or some shit like that.


Puppies happen to be a soft spot with me.

(I hope God does not mind me responding to a post which may have been directed to Her)

Zen Clown, Friday, 2 September 2005 04:36 (eighteen years ago) link

Indeed She won't mind at all. At present she is shoe shopping.
Have you any idea how many pairs of shoes She needs to last for an eternity??
And the matching hats?

She may be gone sometime, but She has plenty of time of course.

Who should She leave in charge whilst She is away???

Geoffrey Judge ( Ivor Feltersnatch), Friday, 2 September 2005 07:48 (eighteen years ago) link


I'm in a rather bossy mood today, so it'd suit me quite well to Be In Charge Of Everything.

C J (C J), Friday, 2 September 2005 14:22 (eighteen years ago) link

She Who Will be Obeyed!!!

How is your overwhelmingly awesome Magnificence today?

M. White (Miguelito), Friday, 2 September 2005 15:07 (eighteen years ago) link

ALright CJ, you be in charge. Just tell us how you plan to plug yourself in - we want the details, pictures too if you have them.

MSW (MSW), Friday, 2 September 2005 16:55 (eighteen years ago) link

I think CJ can do this wirlessly now. God love all this modern technology!

M. White (Miguelito), Friday, 2 September 2005 17:30 (eighteen years ago) link

I am currently (currently! do you see what I did there?) attaching myself to a large car battery, via crocodile clips to my earlobes. It's made my eyes go all twinkly.

My overwhelmingly awesome Magnificence is okay, I think. I'll ask it, when it gets back from the pub.

C J (C J), Friday, 2 September 2005 17:32 (eighteen years ago) link

That sounds charming as long as it's not making them twitchy.

Out on a magnificent bender?

M. White (Miguelito), Friday, 2 September 2005 17:40 (eighteen years ago) link

There ARE pictures of CJ.

They aren't very clear. In fact, I'm not sure that what I have are pictures of her through her bathroom window or a rainy day in Tanzania.

Thankfully, I have a vivid imagination. I can imagine a vivacious redhead senusally soaping herself or a wildebeast rolling in the dirt.

At my age, both images are equaly exciting.

Zen Clown, Friday, 2 September 2005 17:47 (eighteen years ago) link

From god to wildebeast all in a day. How can you stand it?

MSW (MSW), Tuesday, 6 September 2005 18:00 (eighteen years ago) link

I usually sit. That way, if I should pass out...the floor is closer.

Zen Clown, Tuesday, 6 September 2005 18:21 (eighteen years ago) link

nine months pass...
I want God to tell someone to send me an e-mail, how do I know if he told that person?

Cerena p., Sunday, 11 June 2006 00:48 (seventeen years ago) link

If that person sends you an email, blindly belive that God told him too. (In other words, "have faith.")

((Censored)) ((Censored)), Monday, 12 June 2006 16:38 (seventeen years ago) link

seven years pass...

Tota pulchra es, Maria,
et macula originalis non est in te.
Vestimentum tuum candidum quasi nix, et facies tua sicut sol.
Tota pulchra es, Maria,
et macula originalis non est in te.
Tu gloria Jerusalem, tu laetitia Israel, tu honorificentia populi nostri.
Tota pulchra es, Maria.

You are all beautiful, Mary,
and the original stain [of sin] is not in you.
Your clothing is white as snow, and your face is like the sun.
You are all beautiful, Mary,
and the original stain [of sin] is not in you.
You are the glory of Jerusalem, you are the joy of Israel, you give honour to our people.
You are all beautiful, Mary.

do Jerusalem and Israel not decline in Latin? slack

imago, Saturday, 20 July 2013 08:07 (ten years ago) link

a suggestion:

Jerusalem (n)

Israel (m)

imago, Saturday, 20 July 2013 08:10 (ten years ago) link

I'm a lifelong agnostic, but sometimes I'll say something like "please god, let this work" - like specifically last week when I was trying to fix the bathroom faucet - and then it works! I'll spend the rest of the day wondering if I should become a Methodist or whatever.

how's life, Saturday, 20 July 2013 10:03 (ten years ago) link

it's more likely evidence that you should become a plumber

mundane peaceable username (darraghmac), Saturday, 20 July 2013 15:12 (ten years ago) link

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