Is this list dead?

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I, Zen Clown, am an ordained minister of the Universal Life Church, I can, even though I will suffer extreme mental stress and moral suffering, (or is it moral stress and mental suffering?), I step forward and offer last rites to this once valiant and vivacious list whose members were among the best of the best. I wish I could name them all but I can't remember who they were. I recall Rex and Linky and Jarlid and Mat and Robin and CJ and hurley and Aimless and Weeble and

Sorry. I was about to mention HER name and I became overwhelmed with emotion.

Ok. Let's all chip in for a suitable coffin and if anyone needs help with "closure" I'm here for you.

Rev. Martin Stoetzle

(Yes, yes, Matthew, I'm sure everyone would enjoy naked lap dancers but this should be serious and somber.)(What? They can cry and hump at the same time? That is certainly worthy of consideration.)

Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Friday, 5 November 2004 03:18 (eighteen years ago) link

Ask A Drunk is not dead, but only sleeps.

But how shall it be wakened - as a sleeping princess in a fairy story is wakened by the kiss of her true love, her prince? As a child that has fallen asleep in the car on the way home from a picnic is wakened by its mother, so it may rub its eyes and ascend the steps of its dearly beloved home? As an innocent fawn is wakened by the nudging nose of its parent who has stood guard over it all night?


Those methods would not work for Ask A Drunk. Instead, you must treat it the same way as a foot that has fallen asleep and has become as insensate chunk of firewood - you must whack it on the floor, slap it, punch it, pinch it, and hurl epithets of abuse at its inert form. In time Ask A Drunk shall awaken, hurting with a fire like a thousand probing needles through its flesh.

Then and only then you shall hear again the delightful sound of Dude Steel whittling his fingers in a pencil sharpener to see if he can write in his own blood a newer, more catacylsmic ending to Moby Dick.

Aimless (Aimless), Saturday, 6 November 2004 01:52 (eighteen years ago) link

Poetaster my ass.

Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Saturday, 6 November 2004 02:44 (eighteen years ago) link

Is that a request?

Aimless (Aimless), Saturday, 6 November 2004 18:54 (eighteen years ago) link

Having a limited intellect, I am unable to ascertain the exact meaning of that question. I suspect that you know what I mean.

You taught me a new word and as I am wont to do with new words, I am inclined to brandish it like a newly forged sword.

BTW: I have a blog now. Dude Steel helped me set it up. I suspect his motive was to distract me from my incessant posting of inane, asinine utterances of idiocy on the forums that we share.

At any rate, (and you'll have to ask Greenspan what that is) here is my blog:

Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Saturday, 6 November 2004 20:17 (eighteen years ago) link

I have visited your blog, Mr. Clown. It has promise. Not much substance, but groaning loads of promise. I shall look in from time to time to see how that promise is working itself out.

Aimless (Aimless), Monday, 8 November 2004 05:29 (eighteen years ago) link

Ask a Drunk will remain dormant until such time as I claim the insurance money. After that it will reopen under a slightly different name.

Matt (Matt), Monday, 8 November 2004 14:37 (eighteen years ago) link

A Drunk Ska? A Rad Skunk? Rank a Dusk? Ask an Kurd? Dakar Sunk? Ask Darn UK? What??

Michael White (Hereward), Monday, 8 November 2004 16:39 (eighteen years ago) link

Interrogate an Inebrate?

(Waddiya think, Jacob?)

JB's silence is rivaled only by that of Charles Bukowski (1920-1994) who coined the term "ask a drunk" and whose non-participation can be attributed to the fact that he is quite dead. Jacob, apparently, is too immersed in his studies and a large bag of potato chips to be bothered with silliness such as this.

Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Monday, 8 November 2004 17:59 (eighteen years ago) link

Inebriate, I think would jibe better with the conventions of proper English, but perhaps Zen's is an intentional attempt at writing the Drunkish word.

Michael White (Hereward), Monday, 8 November 2004 18:35 (eighteen years ago) link

I like "inebriate". It helps to distinguish us from all those ebriates out there.

Aimless (Aimless), Monday, 8 November 2004 18:39 (eighteen years ago) link

Of course I meant "inebriate". I should never have attempted to post here while caffinated. I will correct that condition forthwith.

*blushes furiously*

Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Monday, 8 November 2004 19:21 (eighteen years ago) link

I was thinking wistfully of our number swelling, and hoped it might be Ask Several Drunks.

Matt (Matt), Tuesday, 9 November 2004 09:17 (eighteen years ago) link

Well, Matthew, I certainly share your longing but I can't help but notice, *folds arms and assumes paternal counternance*, that while we Yanks have more or less maintained our ranks, Her Majesty's troops have, sadly, diminished in number resulting in a tragic deficit. Where is that indefatigable British Spirit?

I came here dying of thirst and who gave me water? The Brits! I stood on the beach at Dunkirk and who strapped buckets to their feet and walked across the channel to rescue me? The Brits! Who invented a clock that enabled seagoers to seek out strange new worlds and new civilizations without falling off of the edge? A Brit! Who rallied the British nation to follow an insane American warmonger to invade a small defenseless country and...well...nevermind that one. Who fills the stands to watch a cricket match, a game that the majority of the world finds totally pointless? The Brits!

I could go on and on if I could think of anything. You see? I am at my "wit's end" as it were, whereas someone like Rex could pick up these thoughts and run towards that infinite horizon known to lessor minds as "British Humor".

Rally your countrymen, Matthew. Ask a Drunk is assembled on the shore of a literary Dunkirk and instead of Hitler's army, it is apathy and mediocrity that approach from the east.

RALLY, you Brits! Rally in the name of England and the Queen! Remember the immortal words of Winston Churchill..."We have nothing to fear but sobriety..."

Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Tuesday, 9 November 2004 12:12 (eighteen years ago) link

I see you have lost interest in the blog already, Zen. Maybe if it had breasts...

Aimless (Aimless), Wednesday, 10 November 2004 20:22 (eighteen years ago) link

I'm working on that.

I, like Al Capp, like breasts. Big ones.

Oh, and Bob Dylan.

Breasts and Bob Dylan.

The very thought causes quivers.

Zen Clown (Zen Clown), Wednesday, 10 November 2004 21:21 (eighteen years ago) link

seven months pass...
Zen's blog never did acquire breasts. Pity.

Aimless (Aimless), Saturday, 18 June 2005 04:19 (eighteen years ago) link

It's better this way. From what I gather Zen tips over quite regularly just from drinks. Imagine his state with huge breasts on his blog!

MSW (MSW), Monday, 20 June 2005 13:16 (eighteen years ago) link

I dunno, would Missouri really be all that different?

M. White (Miguelito), Monday, 20 June 2005 17:34 (eighteen years ago) link

They might have known more than they claim to know, which in turn, would have made them so very different. Every braggart would be claiming they are from Missouri.

MSW (MSW), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 21:04 (eighteen years ago) link

four years pass...

The more things change, the more confused I get, which represents a kind of stability, I suppose.

Aimless, Wednesday, 10 February 2010 04:06 (thirteen years ago) link

four months pass...

A pleasurable, positive inertia, of sorts

matt, Saturday, 12 June 2010 23:37 (thirteen years ago) link

three weeks pass...

Yay to incessant posting of inane, asinine utterances of idiocy! Drunk history is the Best! See: Personally, I'm looking forward to the drunk history of the enema because I know it's something that we all want to learn more about.

Vicbowling, Thursday, 8 July 2010 22:57 (thirteen years ago) link

time passes slow on the plush stools of ormskirk. zen clown, sue denim, dude, linskey: i'll gather a few laurel leaves to cast upon the wind. (sorry, it's the curry.)

etc, etc, hurley

hurley, Sunday, 18 July 2010 11:41 (thirteen years ago) link

three months pass...

korma chameleon


matt, Thursday, 21 October 2010 22:14 (twelve years ago) link

three months pass...

Careful, the beast within quivers and snores loudly.

I used to be Dude Steel (OldPoster), Thursday, 3 February 2011 22:55 (twelve years ago) link


Le mépris vient de la tête, la haine vient du cœur (Michael White), Thursday, 3 February 2011 23:12 (twelve years ago) link

You had better have a drink for that Hiccup.

I used to be Dude Steel (OldPoster), Saturday, 5 February 2011 02:03 (twelve years ago) link

We traditionalists spell it: hiccough. The reasons for this are lost in the mists of time, but dammit, traditions must be honored! That is why I am drinking this bumper of mead.

Aimless, Saturday, 5 February 2011 02:07 (twelve years ago) link

Is that a '57 Buick bumper?

That's a lot of mead, but I'm sure you are up to the challenge!

I used to be Dude Steel (OldPoster), Saturday, 5 February 2011 16:12 (twelve years ago) link

..... and since you are drinking mead .... wouldn't it be "lost in the mysts of tyme"?

I used to be Dude Steel (OldPoster), Saturday, 5 February 2011 16:14 (twelve years ago) link

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