How can I get my daughter to love me again?

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I've had a great relationship with my daughter since her birth--I did get a divorce from her father 14 mos after
her birth; due to his "explosive" personality, and anger management issues. I've had physical custody of her;
with joint custody with her father...the relationship with her father and I has been fine, we are friends, and
I am also friends with his new wife(now married 12 yrs.with her); we really didn't stick to the visitation scheduled that is listed in the divorce papers---if he wanted to have her extra time, vacations etc, I NEVER said no, or
denied him any rights. All was well. Years pass, and now she is 14, yes a 14 yr old with hormones flying all over the place !! She basically was a great girl--she did however run into some trouble with a couple friends she was
hanging out with...which soon rules got a little more tough, but she did have her activities and
lots of other friends--I did explain to her the consequences of running with friends that were a negative influence on her.

In November 2007, (trying to make this short & to the point)---I was at my wits ends with her, trying to get
her up for school, questioning if she was still hanging with friends that excelled in trouble etc. So I called
her father for help--I told him that her & I needed a "break" and could he take her for a few weeks. He complied and came to get her. Since that "horrible" day when I called him for some relief (hind sight is 20/20), he has since
filed for full custody, stating that I told him that I wanted a "permanent" change, which was NOT THE CASE.
Basically he has "back stabbed" me & my parenting abilities. No longer being my friend, and co-parent with my
daughter. He has convinced my daughter that he is "god" and I no longer need to be her parent.

I have seen my daughter about 6 times in 2 1/2 years, she just "hates" me--I have tried to keep in contact with
her; sending her cards, calling her, asking if she'd like to go to lunch, pedicures, etc...trying to speak with
her father about the situation....but he just says he's letting her do what she wants & if not seeing me is involved then that is just fine with him (the physical custody was changed to her father)with joint custody for other things. Now I am paying him child support, but he is not complying with the 'visitation' portion of the change. My daughter is still a minor, she will be 17 in July, but he does not encourage her to maintain a relationship with me.

I am so "heart broken", at times I don't know what to do, everytime I talk about her to friends or family I start c
crying, as I am right now writing this letter to you! My daughter has told me she does not want me in her life at all, she has blocked me from her phone, facebook etc. I have NOT gone overboard and bombarded her, I have given her the space she needs, but every now and then I will try to contact her to try and keep (or hope to keep) a relationship going. She's been in High School the last 2 years, soon to be a Senior this upcoming year. She left my house when she was in 9th grade. I have MISSED out on all her High School years, and her life for the past 2 1/2 years, I did
look her up on facebook so I could just see pics of her and her friends, and what she was doing.....I AM SO SAD!!


Should I leave her alone, (still), and let her come to me.....if that ever happens. I know one thing, I will
be at her graduation, whether or not I'm welcomed.

Please advise-- Thanks Sue

Sue A, Friday, 25 June 2010 18:19 (seven years ago) Permalink


not sure if serious

if serious, then I don't really know if there's anything I can write you'll want to hear or will be able to understand. (i.e. let go, don't let it get so bad that they get you a restraining order, stop stalking (which is how they see you now, probably), she remembers the bad times and not the happy earlier times and probably thinks you're not really sincere with the contact attempts, "I have NOT gone overboard" + "she has blocked me from..." = for her, you've indeed gone way overboard, etc etc)

Maybe other people will have more constructive replies, not trying to bum you out even more. :-/

StanM, Friday, 25 June 2010 19:00 (seven years ago) Permalink


you've come to the right place. IRE is where many people go when they've run out of options in their lives.

Hans-Jörg Butt (harbl), Friday, 25 June 2010 19:27 (seven years ago) Permalink


cutty, Friday, 25 June 2010 22:17 (seven years ago) Permalink

Sue A just emailed me to tell me i'm not nice

cutty, Monday, 28 June 2010 22:38 (seven years ago) Permalink

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