The Bobby Gillespie Bullshit game

Message Bookmarked
Bookmark Removed
From last Sunday's Observer, where artists, musicians, whatever, were asked for their favourite 'secret' inspirations:

Bobby Gillespie, singer, Primal Scream:

The world

I came across a burnt-out motorcycle in the street this morning, no wheels, no seat, just a charred metal skeleton. It had obviously been stolen and dumped by a gang of teenage wild boys. It was the most beautiful thing I've seen since last night's evening sky. You don't find 'art' in galleries, it's all around you. The city is alive and on fire. Long may it burn.

A classic piece of r 'n' r nonsense form the aging Scotsman, there. So let's look at the scores: I reckon "motorcycle" [10 points]; "gang of teenage wild boys" [20 points]; "beautiful" [5 points]; "city...on fire etc" [30 points] - giving a total of 65 points (out of a possible 100).

Can anyone beat this?

bham (bham), Thursday, 21 September 2006 07:47 (thirteen years ago) link

He wouldn't have said that if it had been his bike!

Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Thursday, 21 September 2006 07:50 (thirteen years ago) link

I came across a burnt-out motorcycle in the street this morning, no wheels, no seat, just a charred metal skeleton.

Fucking hell, it's MY motorbike!


Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Thursday, 21 September 2006 07:52 (thirteen years ago) link

Yes, but until that realisation, he is a spaced out dude, everything is art and nothing's going to touch his world. Your broken leg is beautiful to him. A wound on someone's head is a trancendant statement on the link between the life force in us all, and the galaxy in supernova.

mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 21 September 2006 07:59 (thirteen years ago) link

oh my god bham that it brilliant.

unfortunately i think this means i shall have to destroy all my primal scream records.

EARLY-90S MAN (Enrique), Thursday, 21 September 2006 08:05 (thirteen years ago) link

Only destory the ones that he has anything to do with, Henry - i.e. Give Out and Riot City and those first two. The good ones are all Innes, innit.

Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Thursday, 21 September 2006 08:08 (thirteen years ago) link

i don't even own 'give out' (sold it) or 'riot city' (never bought).

i suppose i could keep the instrumentals.

EARLY-90S MAN (Enrique), Thursday, 21 September 2006 08:11 (thirteen years ago) link

"gang of teenage wild boys" rofl rofl

Pashmina (Pashmina), Thursday, 21 September 2006 08:14 (thirteen years ago) link

'riot city' never bought

Fair summation.

Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Thursday, 21 September 2006 08:23 (thirteen years ago) link

We can do much better than this, for instance, here are a couple of quotes right from the band's website:

Screamadelica Era
"...I think music is magic... magical, in the true sense of the word. Certain pieces of music make me feel strong, protected. It raises... it raises my soul. No, forget that, it protects me from bad feelings. Music protects us in such a powerful way, it makes you aware of possibilities. To alot of people I think music's a commodity, not spiritual. it's something you put on the mantlepiece and it's there, like a set of golfclubs or an ironing board, whereas to us it's a holy thing, and none of us are even religious."
- Bobby Gillespie, NME interview 28 September 1991

"magic" = 5 points, "raises my soul" = 10 points, "protects me from bad feelings" (whatever that means) = 10 points, spiritual + religious + holy = 30 points, using all this bullshit to form a "we're not in it for the money" argument = 35 points

Total = 90 points

"Most bands think in black and white, we think in Technicolour," - Bobby Gillespie, September(?) 1991

Ugh, ffs, 99 points.

NoTimeBeforeTime (Barry Bruner), Thursday, 21 September 2006 08:24 (thirteen years ago) link

However, as I've said before, Screamadelica is a fantastic Sabres of Paradise album.

Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Thursday, 21 September 2006 08:25 (thirteen years ago) link

i can't beat bham but from an nme interview (on that same website!) this year -- i suppose it needs context: he's talking about going to paris fashion shows and elton john's birthday party:

"We're a hardworking band. I go to the studio five days a week. My girlfriend works in fashion and now and again there's something she might want to go to so I go along - that's what you do. It's a bit weird, it's like saying your girlfriend's black so you must be black. Or your girlfriend's Jewish so you must be Jewish."

EARLY-90S MAN (Enrique), Thursday, 21 September 2006 08:26 (thirteen years ago) link

"People think the flag is a symbol for like slavery and racism," says Bobby. "But that's not what the Civil War was about. It was about like freedom, You know?"

EARLY-90S MAN (Enrique), Thursday, 21 September 2006 08:29 (thirteen years ago) link


NoTimeBeforeTime (Barry Bruner), Thursday, 21 September 2006 08:31 (thirteen years ago) link

WTF is Bobby "Bomb The Pentagon" Gillespie doing going to kapitalist Elton John birthday parties?

Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Thursday, 21 September 2006 08:33 (thirteen years ago) link

it's something you put on the mantlepiece... like a set of golfclubs or an ironing board

This guy would do really badly on Family Fortunes.

NickB (NickB), Thursday, 21 September 2006 08:35 (thirteen years ago) link


Bombing the Pentagon wasn't about anti-American sentiment, it was about, like, freedom, you know? Freedom to do what you want to do, and we want to get loaded ...

NoTimeBeforeTime (Barry Bruner), Thursday, 21 September 2006 08:36 (thirteen years ago) link

Family Fortunes - I don't think BG would take well to a fitness weekend at a health farm in rural Staffordshire...

Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Thursday, 21 September 2006 08:37 (thirteen years ago) link

These quotes are all awesome!! Bobby G. rules!!

Mr. Snrub (Mr. Snrub), Thursday, 21 September 2006 09:34 (thirteen years ago) link

"WTF is Bobby "Bomb The Pentagon" Gillespie doing going to kapitalist Elton John birthday parties?"

He's there because his girlfirend's jewish, Marcello, can't you read?

I think this is my favourite BG quote (from OMM earlier this year):

'You know, Andrew Innes is a chemist and so's his wife - they've got pharmaceutical degrees. He's an oddball boffin who'll experiment with anything you give him. When computers came out, he got one straight away and learnt how to work them. Oasis call him "Brains".'

Kudos to Innes for cracking that IBM mainframe up in Glasgow all on his own, but that final punchline is priceless.

bham (bham), Thursday, 21 September 2006 09:51 (thirteen years ago) link

if someone else does it, bobby is bound to come along and dive right in . .

frenchbloke (frenchbloke), Thursday, 21 September 2006 10:04 (thirteen years ago) link

Just calling the album "Riot City Blues" is sixty points right there for Crazy Bob, imho.

Eazy-Esteban Buttez (ESTEBAN BUTTEZ~!!!), Thursday, 21 September 2006 10:33 (thirteen years ago) link

I came across a burnt-out rock star in the street this morning, legless, no flesh on his bum, just a charred metal skeleton. He'd obviously been fucked and dumped by a gang of teenage wild boys. It was the most beautiful thing I've seen since last night's evening sky. You don't find 'rock' at rock festivals, it's all around you. The city is alive and on fire. Long may Bobby burn.

Momus (Momus), Thursday, 21 September 2006 11:05 (thirteen years ago) link

now now be nice

electric sound of jim [and why not] (electricsound), Thursday, 21 September 2006 11:08 (thirteen years ago) link

b-b-but Bobby WAS a charred metal skeleton in the Velocity Girl days!

(nb thanks for the cd momus)

Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Thursday, 21 September 2006 11:10 (thirteen years ago) link

In reference to Marcello's earlier comment about fitness weekend... (I'm not making this up) I saw BG in the changing-room of my local gym a couple of months ago - so while I didn't actually witness him doing any physical exercise, he did look as though he'd been doing some beforehand. Not very rock'n'roll obviously.

Kaliova (Kaliova), Thursday, 21 September 2006 11:37 (thirteen years ago) link

"Select" magazine, April 1994:

"The only thing I don't want is us to be nailed down as some motherfuckin' curators of some rock 'n' roll fuckin' museum. We love all sorts of music, and I'm glad to turn people on to sounds they've never heard - y'know, go and buy "superfly" by curtis mayfield, or the impressions' greatest hits, or Culture "two sevens clash".

Pashmina (Pashmina), Thursday, 21 September 2006 11:43 (thirteen years ago) link

...said the curator of the rock museum.

Momus (Momus), Thursday, 21 September 2006 11:47 (thirteen years ago) link

That quote, y'know, is motherfuckin' fucked up in several fuckin' ways, most notably "we are not curators of rock museum, here listen to these old records" and "we will turn you on to stuff you've never heard before" (then going on to instruct the readership to buy three records that are somewhat far from being even slightly obscure)

The guy is, and always has been a patronising cock, and primal scream are the worst band to come out of the UK since the '80's at least, and possibly ever.

Pashmina (Pashmina), Thursday, 21 September 2006 11:52 (thirteen years ago) link

Pashmina OTM.

Raw Patrick (Raw Patrick), Thursday, 21 September 2006 11:56 (thirteen years ago) link

Every day I curse Andrew Weatherall for remixing Primal Scream because if he didn't, nobody would have given a shit about Crazy Bob and we wouldn't have to be discussing about how big a cunt he is.

Eazy-Esteban Buttez (ESTEBAN BUTTEZ~!!!), Thursday, 21 September 2006 11:58 (thirteen years ago) link

Q: When did you first realise you could sing?

BG: Ehh..I don't know. I think I always wanted to be a singer but I didn't realise it. I always wanted to be a guitar player because I loved guitar players in bands. I became a singer through default. We were writing these songs and I wanted to play guitar and we kept asking these people to sing and they were terrible so I stepped in.

Pashmina (Pashmina), Thursday, 21 September 2006 12:03 (thirteen years ago) link

I love that Norman obviously really likes Primal Scream despite his protestations.

Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Thursday, 21 September 2006 12:10 (thirteen years ago) link

From Bobby's liner notes to the recent Tago Mago reissue, on "jamming" with "the Can":

So there was five of us, Andrew Innes on guitar, me on vocals, Jaki Leibezeit on drums, Michael Karoli on guitar and Liam Gallagher on one finger piano. We jammed our arses off, till five in the morning, hard and heavy on a two-chord Karoli groove, what a night! I'll never forget it. We all fell out of the studio arm-in-arm and walked up the road high and happy, blasted by the magick of Can, The Can!

There's plenty more where that came from as well- I couldn't believe they'd published such utter name-dropping drivel!

Neil Stewart (Neil Stewart), Thursday, 21 September 2006 12:11 (thirteen years ago) link

Haha Nick, they are the band I love to hate, I must admit.

Pashmina (Pashmina), Thursday, 21 September 2006 12:13 (thirteen years ago) link

But honesty, the sound of the guy's voice is fingernails on a blackboard to me. I cannot stand it.

Pashmina (Pashmina), Thursday, 21 September 2006 12:15 (thirteen years ago) link

there's a version of the -- hey, hey -- CANecdote in one of the interviews i parsed.

EARLY-90S MAN (Enrique), Thursday, 21 September 2006 12:19 (thirteen years ago) link

blasted by the magick of Can, the Can!

I didn't know he was a Suzi Quatro fan.

Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Thursday, 21 September 2006 13:45 (thirteen years ago) link

Ha ha. There's a very good Glasgow word to describe Bobby, A DIDDY.

Am I Re-elected Yet? (Dada), Thursday, 21 September 2006 13:54 (thirteen years ago) link

Diddy Gillespie!

Am I Re-elected Yet? (Dada), Thursday, 21 September 2006 13:54 (thirteen years ago) link

I didn't know he was a Suzi Quatro fan.

"After spending a week jamming with Quatro, the Scream determined that 'Leather Forever' would be like part of our ten-point plan to wipe out the fascists that dare like cross our path. We have one of Suzi's Leather Tuscadero outfits hanging in the back room of the Scream Team hideout."

Andy_K (Andy_K), Thursday, 21 September 2006 14:02 (thirteen years ago) link

"I first met Suzi when I was a 2-year old punk rocker in Detroit in '68. I was hanging out with the '5, tellin' Fred and Wayne and the boys all about Krautrock, even though I hadn't learnt how to talk yet and Krautrock hadn't been invented yet, but, hey, what i rock 'n' roll about if isn't about dreams, suddenly in walked Suzi..."

Am I Re-elected Yet? (Dada), Thursday, 21 September 2006 14:09 (thirteen years ago) link

Imagine having to listen to Liam Gallagher playing "one finger piano" all night- the mind boggles.

Neil Stewart (Neil Stewart), Thursday, 21 September 2006 14:12 (thirteen years ago) link

imagine the man he calls 'brains'.

EARLY-90S MAN (Enrique), Thursday, 21 September 2006 14:15 (thirteen years ago) link

"Oasis call him 'brains'" is the best one, that's classic of teh stupid.

Pashmina (Pashmina), Thursday, 21 September 2006 14:17 (thirteen years ago) link

TS: Liam Gallagher playing one finger piano all night vs. John Cale playing one finger piano all night.

Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Thursday, 21 September 2006 14:33 (thirteen years ago) link

John Cale pleaded to be allowed to join in but Bobby said no

Am I Re-elected Yet? (Dada), Thursday, 21 September 2006 14:35 (thirteen years ago) link

because he didn't own any of his albums yet

Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Thursday, 21 September 2006 14:36 (thirteen years ago) link

Of course he did, John gave them to him personally, when he was a 12 year old punk rocker hangin' out at CBGBs with DeeDee and Johnny in 1976

Am I Re-elected Yet? (Dada), Thursday, 21 September 2006 14:39 (thirteen years ago) link

Except Ian Hunter nicked them off him three years previously, as described on page 77 of Diary Of A Rock 'N' Roll Star, and substituted the new platters from Poco and Foghat.

Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Thursday, 21 September 2006 14:42 (thirteen years ago) link

revolutionary Boab's lefty card renewed !

calzino, Saturday, 29 June 2019 18:23 (six months ago) link

Aye, but if Boab Snr. had taken a Chilean refugee in do you think we'd have ever heard the end of it? From both of them?

Orpheus Knutt (Tom D.), Saturday, 29 June 2019 23:18 (six months ago) link

aye looks like our wee Boaby sold "Movin' On Up" to Volkswagen?

Οὖτις, Monday, 8 July 2019 20:33 (six months ago) link

punk rock is for the volk

quelle sprocket damage (sic), Monday, 8 July 2019 20:48 (six months ago) link

maybe he'll justify it by saying him and his romancer dad once smuggled 8 Chilean refugees in the boot of a volks from Santiago to Glasgow.

calzino, Monday, 8 July 2019 21:34 (six months ago) link

tbf its for VW's electric car but we all know why VW is making electric cars at all, right...

Οὖτις, Monday, 8 July 2019 22:36 (six months ago) link

to fire them into space?

mark s, Monday, 8 July 2019 22:48 (six months ago) link

lawsuits were involved

also goths

Οὖτις, Monday, 8 July 2019 22:50 (six months ago) link

Volkswagen means "people's car", that's right up Boab's street. Of course, it's Nazi people, but, as mentioned previously, Boab's not strong on details.

Orpheus Knutt (Tom D.), Tuesday, 9 July 2019 08:32 (six months ago) link

quick someone re-edit the volkswagen ad using 'swastika eyes' instead

coroner criticises butt (bizarro gazzara), Tuesday, 9 July 2019 09:06 (six months ago) link

waitaminute the car is called the volkswagen skive? clearly someone in product development didnae check a scots dictionary as part of their due diligence

coroner criticises butt (bizarro gazzara), Tuesday, 9 July 2019 09:08 (six months ago) link

oh no, that's just the name of the youtube channel i found with the ad, stand down everyone

coroner criticises butt (bizarro gazzara), Tuesday, 9 July 2019 09:10 (six months ago) link

Both have been criticised for polluting the environment with toxic emissions, although to be fair Primal Scream don't play that much from Riot City Blues any more.

Portsmouth Bubblejet, Tuesday, 9 July 2019 09:25 (six months ago) link

I remember someone is Q magazine asked Gillespie "One bullet-Blair or Bush?" and he seemed genuinely conflicted about who to choose

beamish13, Thursday, 11 July 2019 01:46 (six months ago) link

What was your childhood or earliest ambition?

To be an astronaut. I was born about the time Yuri Gagarin was the first man in space. I identified with Yuri. In the end I became a cosmonaut of inner space.

fetter, Thursday, 11 July 2019 13:48 (six months ago) link

absolutely extraordinary, a new peak

the film inner space, but he goes up his own arsehole and stays there

mfktz (Camaraderie at Arms Length), Thursday, 11 July 2019 13:53 (six months ago) link

Wonderful stuff from our intrepid space cadet

michaellambert, Thursday, 11 July 2019 14:00 (six months ago) link

three months pass...

Wee boab doing a Q&A as part of a Neu documentary at the Barbican this month.

I get the feeling he's going to repeat the story that's on the inner sleeve of Tago Mago reissue. no matter what questions he gets asked, like a briefed politician in a televised interview.

my opinionation (Hamildan), Monday, 4 November 2019 13:53 (two months ago) link

brb gonna buy a ticket then ask him a question based the content of on a tom d boabypost

non-euclidean lenin (bizarro gazzara), Monday, 4 November 2019 13:55 (two months ago) link

Ask him what Jim Navajo is up to these days.

Michael Oliver of Penge Wins £5 (Tom D.), Monday, 4 November 2019 13:57 (two months ago) link

I'd like to go to this but do not want to give Bobby any further encouragement in his belief that anyone gives a fuck about his opinions on Neu! or anything else. Trailer (WARNING may contain Boab)

Michael Oliver of Penge Wins £5 (Tom D.), Monday, 4 November 2019 19:22 (two months ago) link

what is jim navajo up to these days?

ت (jim in vancouver), Monday, 4 November 2019 19:33 (two months ago) link

Appearing in a documentary about the drummer from Birth Control.

Michael Oliver of Penge Wins £5 (Tom D.), Monday, 4 November 2019 19:37 (two months ago) link

He formed Primal Scream in 1982 whilst simultaneously playing drums with feedback rockers The Jesus & Mary Chain
Good multitasking there

mfktz (Camaraderie at Arms Length), Monday, 4 November 2019 19:41 (two months ago) link

Was he not also playing bass in The Wake at time too?

Michael Oliver of Penge Wins £5 (Tom D.), Monday, 4 November 2019 19:46 (two months ago) link

(WARNING may contain Boab)

Excellent Boaby content tbh

Οὖτις, Monday, 4 November 2019 19:55 (two months ago) link

A number of public and cultural figures have signed a letter in support of Jeremy Corbyn to be distributed to newspapers and media outlets. Boab is not one of the signatories. He is not best pleased.

*Coldplay ringtone. Brian Eno answers*

BRI: Hello, Eno speaking.

BOAB: Holl', it's me.

BRI: Me? Who's me?

BOAB: Boaby fuckin' Gillespie, that's who.

BRI (slight pause): Oh, Mr. Gillespie, to what do I owe the considerable pleasure?

BOAB: Here, never mind that shite, whit's the sketch wi' this letter?

BRI: Letter? Forgive me...

BOAB: The fuckin' letter supporting fuckin' Corbyn, don't get wide wi' me, baldy.

BRI (bristling): Right, what about the letter?

BOAB: How am ah no' oan it?

BRI: ... er, I...

BOAB: Ah mean, ah've no' even heard o' hauf o' the cunts who ur oan it...

BRI: ... well it's...

BOAB: Plus it's fuhll o' fuckin' Yanks - like that lanky cunt, Thurston Moore. Whose fuckin' band ur shite, by the way, ah mean where's aw his gold records? Oh aye, that's right, *voice rising to a pitch* he's no' fuckin' goat any! Let me ask ye this, big yin - were his band a key part of the mid-1980s indie pop scene, eventually moving away from their jangly sound, taking on more psychedelic and garage rock influences, before incorporating a dance music element to their sound with their 1991 album Screamadelica, which broke them into the mainstream? Ah, don't fuckin' think so, mate.

BRI: He does actually live in the UK these days.

BOAB: Aye, using oor NHS and livin' aff benefits fae ma tax money, ah'll fuckin' bet!

BRI: If you don't mind me saying that is a bit reactionary?

BOAB: Reactionary? I'll react oan you in a fuckin' minute and, while ah'm at it, whit the fuck ur you daein' oan it, ah thoat you were a fuckin' Lib Dem these days?

BRI (heavy sigh): Not this again. Nick Clegg...

*Boab blows a raspberry*

BRI (clearing throat): ... Nick Clegg hired me as an advisor on youth issues...

*sniggering from Boab*

BRI (firmly): ... on youth issues, but that's as far it went, I imagine he felt he needed someone who was more in touch with the concerns of young peop...

*sentence interrupted by a full minute of hysterical laughter from Boab*

BRI: ... if you've quite finished.

BOAB (wiping tears away): ... aw man ... ah'm sorry man but... noo ah've heard everyhin'! Fuckin' Brian fuckin' Eno 'hinks he can talk to the kids oan the street, how you gonnae dae that? Wi' a 90 minute album of a fuckin' tap runnin'? Ya fuckin' clown!

BRI: Right this phone call is going nowhere.

BOAB: Aye, and your fuckin' letter is goin' nowhere! Stick yer fuckin' feather boa up yer erse, ah preferred yer earlier funnier albums anyway! Bryan Ferry was better looking than you, he was a better dresser than you, he had more hair, he told funnier jokes, and he could dance the pants off of you!

BRI:.. OK, I'm hanging up now.

BOAB (still fulminating): ... with your cigars. With your brandy. And your rotten painting, rotten! Bryan Ferry, there was a painter. He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! Two coats!

*Boab's wife enters the room*

MRS BOAB: Robert, I've just had a nice phone conversation with an American chap called Thurston Moore, he's interested in maybe working with you.

BOAB (with childlike glee): Is he?!?!?! Here, that's smashing that! I've always liked that Sonic Youth. Wait tae ah tell the guys in the band!

*BOAB runs off almost skipping*

'Skills' Wallace (Tom D.), Sunday, 17 November 2019 13:38 (two months ago) link


actor Robert de Niro disguised as an Uzbek homeopath (bizarro gazzara), Sunday, 17 November 2019 13:45 (two months ago) link

a 90 minute album of a fuckin' tap runnin'

would listen *puts it on and listens*

mark s, Sunday, 17 November 2019 13:47 (two months ago) link

tom and savage pencil need to do an oor boaby annual together

Wee Bloabby (NickB), Sunday, 17 November 2019 14:08 (two months ago) link

that link makes me want to pee

mark s, Sunday, 17 November 2019 14:22 (two months ago) link

ilm is good again

calzino, Sunday, 17 November 2019 15:54 (two months ago) link

one month passes...

Track by track commentary from Bobby for 2013's clunker "More Light"? Yes please! He manages to misquote JG Ballard within the first minute.

Captain ACAB (Neil S), Monday, 13 January 2020 13:03 (four days ago) link

i watched the shaun the sheep movie this weekend (a gentleman's 6/10 at best tbh) and was thrilled to hear the scream's 'rocks' play in multiple scenes, adding a much-needed edge of streetwise sleaze to the story of a small sheep and his friends ending up marooned in the big city after a day off at the farm goes wrong

que pasa picasso (bizarro gazzara), Monday, 13 January 2020 13:06 (four days ago) link

... are you trying to tempt me into doing another Boaby skit or what?

Frozen Mug (Tom D.), Monday, 13 January 2020 13:08 (four days ago) link

that film is crying out for a Boaby commentary voice-over- "wake up sheeple" etc.

Captain ACAB (Neil S), Monday, 13 January 2020 13:16 (four days ago) link

... are you trying to tempt me into doing another Boaby skit or what?

the answer to this question is always ‘yes’

que pasa picasso (bizarro gazzara), Monday, 13 January 2020 14:07 (four days ago) link

2013's clunker "More Light"?

this album is great fwiw

Οὖτις, Monday, 13 January 2020 16:06 (four days ago) link

Boaby has been called to a meeting with with a film producer at his manager's office. He is somewhat late.

Producer: Is he actually going to show, he's nearly an hour late as it is.

Manager: I did warn you not to organize anything before 2pm, he'll just be getting out of his bed, he thinks he's a rock sta....

Ostentatious series of knocks at the door.

Manager: ... that'll be him, come in!

Boab breezes in.

Boaby: Morning, chaps!

Producer: Afternoon.

Boaby: Aye, whatever. So whit's the fuckin' sketch?

Manager (to Producer): Shall I? (to Boaby)What it is, Bobby, is we've had an offer for you to provide a onscreen commentary for a DVD of a movie...

Boaby (interrupting excitedly): Ya dancin' bear!

Manager: ... of a movie in which ...

Boaby: Let me fuckin' guess. It's "Vanishing Point" intit? (to Producer) Did you know we hud an album named efter that film? Aye, ah course ye dae! Huv ye seen it, by the way, it's fuckin' awesome, Randy Newman is fuckin' great in it...

Manager: ... if I may continue, Bobby?

Boaby: Oh right, aye, fire away, ah'm aw ears.

Manager: The movie in question heavily features the Scream's music...

Boaby (interrupting again): ... here, it's no' Tarantino is it? That fuckin' shite he did aboot Manson? Ah've no' seen it masel yet but ah'll be sure tae check it oot when it's next oan at the pictures...

Producer: That was set in 1969.

Boaby: ... and your point is, caller?

Producer: Excuse me?

Boaby (same intonation): And your point is, caller?

Producer stares blankly.

Boaby: ... ye know, like Jimmy Sanderson? (high pitched Glaswegian voice) "Were you at the game?"

Producer continues staring blankly.

Boaby (to Manager, out of side of mouth): Jesus, where did ye dredge this wan up?

Manager: Er, if I may, I think the point is it was it was set in 1969 so Tarantino used music from that era on the soundtrack.

Boaby: Aye, well that makes sense, ah suppose. We can sound like we're from 1969 if ye wahnt though, we've done it afore.

Manager: I know Bobby but we're... look we're getting off track here.

Boaby: Aye, ah'm sorry but ah'm jist so fuckin' made up, man! Me daein' the commentary fur a Hollywood movie!

Producer: It's not exactly a Hollywood movie.

Boaby: Aye, well, cult classic then, nae cunt went tae see "Electra Glide in Blue" either when it came oot, know what ah'm sayin'?

Producer: It's not a cult film either, it's been very successful at the box office.

Boaby: Is that right, big yin? Well ah'm the very boey fur the joab then!

Manager: The film in question, Bobby, is "Shaun the Sheep: The Movie".

Boaby's face hardens.

Boaby: Shaun the Fuckin' Sheep?

Producer: No, Shaun the Sheep.

Boaby: That's whit ah said, Shaun the Fuckin' Sheep.

Manager: We think that...

Boaby: Here, haud oan a minute, d'ye think ah wis born yisterday?

Producer: I've seen your publicity shots, so no.

Boaby: Oh ha-fuckin'-ha, ya f-

Manager (rapidly interrupting): If I can stop you right there, Bobby, we think a commentary track on this DVD will help introduce the Scream to a new audience...

Boaby: ... aye, a fuckin' audience o' 6 year aulds!

Manager: ... 6 year olds and their parents.

Boaby (cautiously): Ah'm listenin'.

Producer: There's a demographic of adults in the 30 to 40 year old bracket who will have become acquainted with the music of your group for the first time as a result of viewing "Shaun the Sheep: The Movie".

Boaby: Aye, ah see where ye're comin' fae, big yin. Go for an audience that's a wee bit aulder than we normally attract.

Manager: Older? Bobby, I've been at your concerts, the audience is almost as old as yyyyyyyou'd be surprised at the age of your audience.

Boaby: Aye, probably. Tae be frank wi' ye, ah've goat nae idea whit age the audience is at oor gigs, ah cannae fuckin' see the cunts, ah'm that oot ma nut maist nights! (nudging Producer who inches away)

Manager: That and you refuse to wear your glasses in public.

Boaby (Shaun the sheepishly): Aye, there's that an' aw.

Producer: Anyway, there is one proviso.

Boaby: Holl', me no speaka de Italian, can ah huv that in fuckin' English, mate?

Producer: One stipulation...

Boab looks puzzled.

Manager (to Producer) Here, let me... (to Boaby) The producers would love for you to do this commentary but... no swearing.

Boaby: Whit? Whit d'ye mean, nae fuckin' swearin'?

Producer: Well, the DVD is aimed at children and their parents.

Boaby: And?

Producer: And, as you have amply proved this afternoon, your language can be on the colourful side.

Boaby: That's fuckin' freedom of expression, pal, ah cannae be held tae society's rules, take me or leave me.

Producer: Well, all things considered I think we might le...

Manager (interrupting): ... I think what we're trying to say is that we want the pure unadulterated Bobby Gillespie....

A serious looking Boab nods furiously.

Manager: ... but with maybe a little moderation in the language.

Boaby: Moderation? Moderation? Ah cannae even spell moderation!

Producer: Now that I can believe.

Boaby: Don't get me wrang, ah'd love tae dae some'hin' like a fuckin' DVD commentary, in fact ah've goat an idea tae dae a track by track commentary oan oor 2013 album, "Mair Light", ye heard it, big yin?

Producer: Me? No, can't say I have. Was it a hit?

Manager: Hmmmmmmm.

Boaby: The thing is, ah'm fae Glesga, whit the fuck dae ah know aboot sheep? Ye'd be better aff gettin' some Teuchter tae dae it or, better still, some Welsh cunt - here, that's an idea!

Producer (checking watch): What is?

Boaby: Ah could gie ye yon Nicky Wire's phone number - they'd be gled o' the work, (sotto voce) huv ye heard their last album? (pinches nose).

Manager: Bobby, if we could get back to the...

Producer (looking desperately for an out): ... no no no, this Nicky, er...

Boaby: ... Wire...

Producer: This Nicky Wire sounds like she...

Boaby: ... he...

Producer: He could be what we're looking for...

Manager: ... but ...

Producer: Guys, I really have to go, I've got another meeting way across town...

Manager: ... but we haven't...

Producer (rising from chair): I'd love to stay a bit longer but time...

Boaby (who has been ineptly scrolling through his phone all this time): But ah've no found Nicky Wire's number fur ye yet.

Producer (now at door): Just, er, get in touch with my PR when you, er, find it...

Manager: ... but we never even...

Producer: Later.

Boaby (cheerily): Don't call us, we'll call...

Door slams.

Boaby: ... you.

As the Producer stands pressed against the door, breathing heavily, we can hear Boaby's voice in the background.

Boaby (muffled): Huv ye seen "Electra Glide in Blue"? It's aboot this wee cunt who's a polis, a motorbike polis mind ye, and he's played by William Blake...

Frozen Mug (Tom D.), Monday, 13 January 2020 19:15 (four days ago) link

okay i’m gonna nudge the shaun the sheep movie up to. a gentleman’s 6.5/10 for inspiring this latest tom d opus, great work everyone

que pasa picasso (bizarro gazzara), Monday, 13 January 2020 19:53 (four days ago) link

this is my favourite thing from 2020

mfktz (Camaraderie at Arms Length), Monday, 13 January 2020 20:40 (four days ago) link

it’s not fair copying and pasting transcripts of the real Shaun The Sheep commentary from a website for the hearing-impaired, Tom, you used to put some effort in on these

don't care didn't ask still clappin (sic), Monday, 13 January 2020 20:48 (four days ago) link

bravo Tom!

Captain ACAB (Neil S), Monday, 13 January 2020 21:29 (four days ago) link

I thought I've done so many of these I should catalogue them, but it turns out I haven't done as many as I'd thought - there's only three of them on this thread for a start, the rest are scattered all over the place. In all there's been 12 since 2011 with three separate years when there were absolutely none at all! There's the distinct possibility that I might have missed some though.


1. "Gott in himmel, Englander schwein!"
Boaby phones Kevin Shields to complain that the remaster of "Screamadelica" he approved was carried out by 'some cunt naebody's heard o''. Boaby then phones Holger Czukay to try to persuade him to oversee an alternative remaster, much to Holger's chagrin.

2. "... gie's ma heid ower, wull ye?"
Believing that the Wombles have reformed to play "Screamadelica" in its entirety at Glastonbury, Boab has agreed to make a guest appearance... while wearing a Womble suit... this despite his concerns that it will render him incapable of playing his primary instrument, the tambourine. Backstage, after Mike Batt informs him that the Wombles are actually playing "Keep On Wombling" in its entirety, and not "Screamadelica", Boaby phones McGee in a state of high dudgeon.

3. "Naw, ah've no goat time tae listen tae how you discovered Oasis!"
McGee phones Boab to tell him that a Primal Scream track was just played at the Tory Party Conference and that he should release a statement disassociating the band from it. Boab reluctantly agrees but is secretly pleased that his mammy can get to hear his band played on the telly.

Following on from the previous phone call, Boaby goes on a date with Home Secretary Theresa May. Boab is charm itself, within reason, but the evening ends badly when Theresa admits to mistaking the Primal Scream track "Rocks", as played at the Tory Party Conference, for a Rolling Stones song.

5. "Gonny leave me alaine?"
Boaby and Momus have a desultory conversation where Boaby denies ever having toured Germany with Momus or having had sex with a woman called Helga in Hamburg. Boaby's Glaswegian sensibilities are doubly offended by Momus' use of Paisley dialect. That's (abstruse) entertainment!

6. "A scrawny auld duffer wi' a pair o' mad shades oan."
Suicide are playing at the Barbican. Boaby shows up backstage, and immediately rubs Marty Rev up the wrong way by claiming to have written "Dream Baby Dream". Later he mistakes Alan Vega for his father.

7. "You know me, ah know fuck a' aboot fuck a'."
Boaby is 'ower the moon' about a cool avant garde film he has appeared in, playing Gilles de Rais, until McGee bursts his ba' by pointing out that Gilles de Rais was a rapist, a paedophile and a necrophiliac.

8. (aims kick at family pet)
In a domestic scene, which is something of a departure for the Boaby Chronicles, Boab tries to order a book by Julian Cope using Alexa but Alexa singularly fails to understand Boab's accent (join the club).

9. "... 12 actually, mate."
McGee phones Boaby to tell him about the launch of his newest label Creation23, Boab is underwhelmed. Worse is to follow as McGee tries to persuade Boab to get Primal Scream to record a single for the new label. Boab refuses and, for a change, has some fun at McGee's expense.

10. "Here, ah'll fuckin' delete you in a minute."
Following his controversial appearance on the "This Week" and the disparaging remarks concerning it on Twitter made by the show's host, Andrew 'Andra' Neil, Boaby phones to register his disapproval. After some more recondite banter about the differences between Paisley and Glasgow dialects, which absolutely no-one other than the author understands or appreciates, Andra outwits Boab and leaves Boab cursing him and his alma mater.

11. "... a 90 minute album of a fuckin' tap runnin'."
Boaby hears that a number of celebrities have signed a letter, for publication in the press and other media, in support of a Jeremy Corbyn premiership. Annoyed that he was not asked to contribute he phones one of its signatories, Brian Eno, with predictable results.

12. "And your point is, caller?"
Boaby visits his manager's office where is offered the chance to do a commentary for the DVD of "Shaun the Sheep: The Movie". He demurs.

Frozen Mug (Tom D.), Tuesday, 14 January 2020 23:11 (three days ago) link

would genuinely pay real actual money for a book of these

mfktz (Camaraderie at Arms Length), Tuesday, 14 January 2020 23:14 (three days ago) link

need to preface all of those with "In which..."

Οὖτις, Tuesday, 14 January 2020 23:15 (three days ago) link

def up there with ILM's other greatest contributions to the field of literature, "the Tragedie of Michael Jackson, King of Pop" and "The Interior Life of Noel Gallagher: A Speculative History"

Οὖτις, Tuesday, 14 January 2020 23:17 (three days ago) link

"Boaby is 'ower the moon' about a cool avant garde film he has appeared in, playing Gilles de Rais, until McGee bursts his ba' by pointing out that Gilles de Rais was a rapist, a paedophile and a necrophiliac."

an absolute classic of the genre!

I can remember some goth tool having a Gilles de Rais book published on the short lived publishing wing of McGee's and being involved with the running of it.

calzino, Tuesday, 14 January 2020 23:33 (three days ago) link

You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.