All new ILE movies poll: THE WORST FILM OF ALL TIME, EVER, WITHOUT ANY QUALIFICATION. Nominations thread.

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In the ongoing quest to disseminate pessimism, I've decided to suggest a new poll. Easy 'nuff. So-as I'm not the only voter, and thus wicked lame, please contribute your ideas for the worst movie ever made. If you feel so inclined, submit your ideas as haikus or couplets. I will.

Scoring will be determined.

Remy (x Jeremy), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 00:15 (sixteen years ago) link

the anniversary party.

f--gg (gcannon), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 00:17 (sixteen years ago) link

Signs - it was like having M. Night Shymlanan beat me about the head for two hours

milozauckerman (miloaukerman), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 00:17 (sixteen years ago) link

legends of the fall.

f--gg (gcannon), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 00:17 (sixteen years ago) link

ps this is ILM

milozauckerman (miloaukerman), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 00:18 (sixteen years ago) link

If movies were req'd in hell,
they'd be made by Raja Gosnell. (Big Momma's House)

I think that we could agree in plenum
in relation to the movie Venom. (Venom)

Remy (x Jeremy), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 00:19 (sixteen years ago) link

Pret a Porter? Faraway, so close?

jed_ (jed), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 00:21 (sixteen years ago) link

The Principal. Game over.

briania (briania), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 00:22 (sixteen years ago) link

Is the world not polled out yet?!

Michael F Gill (Michael F Gill), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 00:22 (sixteen years ago) link

oh that reminds me: dr t. and the women!!

f--gg (gcannon), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 00:23 (sixteen years ago) link

't will be moved, I hope.

also:

On Raja Gosnell: If re. his ability you disagree
I suggest you rent Home Alone part 3.

Remy (x Jeremy), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 00:23 (sixteen years ago) link

Talented Mr Ripley. A whopping two-hour wank.

Flash (cowboytrance), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 00:28 (sixteen years ago) link

Dreamcatcher, Dreamcatcher, DREAMCATCHER!

Bryan Moore (Bryan Moore), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 00:29 (sixteen years ago) link

COLLATERAL

W i l l (common_person), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 00:32 (sixteen years ago) link

Love Actually.

Matt Chesnut, Tuesday, 15 February 2005 00:32 (sixteen years ago) link

Dungeons & Dragons, without question.

Drew Daniel (Drew Daniel), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 00:35 (sixteen years ago) link

The Doors was pretty bad.
Battlefield Earth truly is awful though, i was hoping it would be fun schlocky bad, but no.

zappi (joni), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 00:37 (sixteen years ago) link

Gigli was pretty goddamned bad.

polyphonic (polyphonic), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 00:56 (sixteen years ago) link

The one I hated the most was Romeo + Juliet, though.

polyphonic (polyphonic), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 01:00 (sixteen years ago) link

the reckoning

f--gg (gcannon), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 01:05 (sixteen years ago) link

Garden State.

adam (adam), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 01:11 (sixteen years ago) link

Citizen Kane

Star Cauliflower (Star Cauliflower), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 01:20 (sixteen years ago) link

Pay It Forward!!!

scott seward (scott seward), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 01:21 (sixteen years ago) link

Taking Lives

Lingbertt, Tuesday, 15 February 2005 01:36 (sixteen years ago) link

Signs seconded. I literally wanted to find and kill MNS when I walked out.

Aaron A., Tuesday, 15 February 2005 01:39 (sixteen years ago) link

Duets

Matos-Webster Dictionary (M Matos), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 01:39 (sixteen years ago) link

Amos & Andrew

Matos-Webster Dictionary (M Matos), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 01:39 (sixteen years ago) link

Phone Booth, Contact, anything directed by Schumaker or Zemeckis. Or Kevin Smith or MNS.

Aaron A., Tuesday, 15 February 2005 01:42 (sixteen years ago) link

Freejack.

Oblivious Lad (Matthew Lazowski), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 01:51 (sixteen years ago) link

Tomcats!!

Mike O. (Mike Ouderkirk), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 02:07 (sixteen years ago) link

8mm

tremendoid (tremendoid), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 02:17 (sixteen years ago) link

I think you guys are just cut n pasting Armond White's top ten list here.

and apparently no one has seen Cold Creek Manor! Stephen Dorff terrorizes Dennis Quaid and Sharon Stone! and so on.

Riot Gear! (Gear!), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 02:33 (sixteen years ago) link

21 Grams

ryan (ryan), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 02:41 (sixteen years ago) link

Grease
The English Patient

Mr. Snrub (Mr. Snrub), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 02:44 (sixteen years ago) link

3000 Miles to Graceland

Riot Gear! (Gear!), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 02:48 (sixteen years ago) link

life is beautiful

chris andrews (fraew), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 02:53 (sixteen years ago) link

it's "sphere" or "outbreak"
both starring dustin hoffman
inexplicably

fact checking cuz (fcc), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 03:16 (sixteen years ago) link

200 Cigarettes

rainbowelf, Tuesday, 15 February 2005 03:22 (sixteen years ago) link

Garden State

JD from CDepot, Tuesday, 15 February 2005 03:23 (sixteen years ago) link

Actually, it probably is Volcano.

polyphonic (polyphonic), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 03:29 (sixteen years ago) link

I think you're forgetting that Volcano had a volcano and therefore it had fire. There are several other films listed here that did not.

Riot Gear! (Gear!), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 03:35 (sixteen years ago) link

i'd say "kate and leopold" but i never saw it, and neither did you.

f--gg (gcannon), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 03:39 (sixteen years ago) link

Armageddon

MISSION TO MARS

latebloomer: HE WHOM DUELS THE DRAFGON IN ENDLESS DANCE (latebloomer), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 03:40 (sixteen years ago) link

Conspiracy Theory and possibly irrationally, School of Rock

Aaron A., Tuesday, 15 February 2005 03:42 (sixteen years ago) link

"i'd say "kate and leopold" but i never saw it, and neither did you"

I saw it! It wasn't as bad as Pay It Forward.

scott seward (scott seward), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 03:43 (sixteen years ago) link

Reality Bites.

mike a, Tuesday, 15 February 2005 03:44 (sixteen years ago) link

i liked Signs. i thought it was a great piece of hokey X-filesishness, i thought the fake looking lizard men were GREAT!

i liked the atmosphere of the film...cornfields and things that jump!

latebloomer: HE WHOM DUELS THE DRAFGON IN ENDLESS DANCE (latebloomer), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 03:44 (sixteen years ago) link

american beauty

Shmool McShmool (shmuel), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 03:44 (sixteen years ago) link

Conspiracy Theory seconded...I HATE TAHT FUCKIN MOVIE BECAUSE IT COULD'VE BEEN GOOD IF THERE WERE NO STARS AND RICHARD DONNER ATTACHED.

latebloomer: HE WHOM DUELS THE DRAFGON IN ENDLESS DANCE (latebloomer), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 03:46 (sixteen years ago) link

Papparazi was pretty dire...though quite hilarious!

latebloomer: HE WHOM DUELS THE DRAFGON IN ENDLESS DANCE (latebloomer), Tuesday, 15 February 2005 03:48 (sixteen years ago) link

oh and Road to Perdition is almost unbearably awful, you're right. The sort of movie that tries to trick people into thinking it's good. Fucking terrible.

Riot Gear! (Gear!), Wednesday, 16 February 2005 02:07 (sixteen years ago) link

people: Million Dollar Baby

Aaron A., Wednesday, 16 February 2005 02:14 (sixteen years ago) link

Sleepless in Seattle

So bad, I listed it twice.

Pete Scholtes, Wednesday, 16 February 2005 03:02 (sixteen years ago) link

The most thought-provoking comment ever made about Sleepless in Seattle was when someone pointed out to me that if Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks' characters swapped places, it wouldn't be a cute love story, it would be stalking.

Jessie the Monster (scarymonsterrr), Wednesday, 16 February 2005 03:46 (sixteen years ago) link

Attack of the Clones.
D Darko -- overated, but good.

I Heart Huckabees was fucking awful.

Star Cauliflower (Star Cauliflower), Wednesday, 16 February 2005 04:06 (sixteen years ago) link

Titus is the only movie I ever walked out of.
Third for Love Actually.
Moulin Rouge makes me violent- not just for the movie itself, which is fucking horrific, but for the obnoxiousness of the people I know who tried to convince me it was wonderful.

TayBridgeCatastrophe (TayBridge), Wednesday, 16 February 2005 04:09 (sixteen years ago) link

Scary Movie 2 might be the worst movie I have ever seen.

sleep (sleep), Wednesday, 16 February 2005 04:26 (sixteen years ago) link

I liked Moulin Rouge and Love Actually. And I'm a guy. Does that mean I'm gay?

Star Cauliflower (Star Cauliflower), Wednesday, 16 February 2005 04:54 (sixteen years ago) link

Sorry, but the Medved brothers book is the duddest of duds. And not just because I think Ivan the Terrible is one of the two handfuls of the greatest of great. Mostly because it's like MST3K without the funny and with the snark hostility turned up to a super-entitled degree.

And quit doggin' on the French artsploitation.

Eric H. (Eric H.), Wednesday, 16 February 2005 08:13 (sixteen years ago) link

Falling Down

What!? This is one of the classics of the 1990ies! It works on so many levels, even though it's spelling things out for us at times. Robert Duvall is such a fine actor. I just love to see watch him on the screen. He doesn't really have to do much, just run around and talk a little.

Jay-Kid (Jay-Kid), Wednesday, 16 February 2005 09:18 (sixteen years ago) link

Starship Troopers 2.

it wins handsdown. Pack up your bags and go home - nothing to see here.

Anko Painting (Anko2), Wednesday, 16 February 2005 10:08 (sixteen years ago) link

The most thought-provoking comment ever made about Sleepless in Seattle was when someone pointed out to me that if Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks' characters swapped places, it wouldn't be a cute love story, it would be stalking.

I'm not a big fan of romantic comedies in general, though can understand their 'place' in the movie/life rubric and why people would want to see them. But there's something about Sleepless in Seattle particularly that really pushes my buttons, I can't really put my finger completely on it. It reaches beyond Hanks' mewling for his departed wife (usually, they at least try to be more subtle about that level of audience-manipulation factor in the scripts) and even moreso that annoying little kid who instinctively just...knows!!! who is right for his dad and will sabotage anything/anyone that doesn't fit The Plan...to unite his Dad with a woman from some other part of the country whom neither has met.

It's not just that I find the movie's sentiment exceptionally false, even for a romantic comedy, but more that what it's holding up as an ideal for a relationship...that you should "just know" (by instinct or fate or "magic") who the right person is that's "meant for you", and that forming a healthy relationship doesn't require work, trial and error, and substantial emotional investment and constant communication to maintain once you think you have found the right person...it seems to me a rather harmful message. I find it mind-boggling that anyone would be *touched* by the story after having seen it rather than insulted and slightly disturbed.

Joe (Joe), Wednesday, 16 February 2005 13:45 (sixteen years ago) link

Yeah, Falling Down is pretty good.

billstevejim, Wednesday, 16 February 2005 15:06 (sixteen years ago) link

Holy crap, Top Gun isn't on here.

billstevejim, Wednesday, 16 February 2005 15:07 (sixteen years ago) link

HUMAN TRAFFIC

monia.l (monia.l), Wednesday, 16 February 2005 15:09 (sixteen years ago) link

I've never been so bored and shocked by how bad a film has been

monia.l (monia.l), Wednesday, 16 February 2005 15:10 (sixteen years ago) link

I think there are more good films in this thread than the ILE Best of the '90s.

http://images.amazon.com/images/P/6300268624.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg

Dr Morbius (Dr Morbius), Wednesday, 16 February 2005 15:11 (sixteen years ago) link

YOU'VE LOST THAT LOVING FEEEEEEEELIIIING

Top Gun = so bad it's great

Jessie the Monster (scarymonsterrr), Wednesday, 16 February 2005 15:12 (sixteen years ago) link

Spy Kids

Leon the Fatboy (Ex Leon), Wednesday, 16 February 2005 15:14 (sixteen years ago) link

2001! the acting is atrocious and the dialogue so wooden! and whats the deal with men in monkey suits for half an hour! c'mon people theres a movie already out called planet of the apes k thnx.

oh and theres a "light show" at the end! i was half expecting pink floyd to start murdering my ears!

and a giant baby at the end! wtf? kubrick's totally ripping off that simpsons episode when homer goes to space!

latebloomer: HE WHOM DUELS THE DRAFGON IN ENDLESS DANCE (latebloomer), Wednesday, 16 February 2005 15:24 (sixteen years ago) link

and dont get me started on that red camera Hal 2600!

latebloomer: HE WHOM DUELS THE DRAFGON IN ENDLESS DANCE (latebloomer), Wednesday, 16 February 2005 15:25 (sixteen years ago) link

Love Actually. Haven't even seen it, but the trailer came on in Blockbuster and a simmering rage began to well up inside me as the gospel choir version of All You Need Is Love played and the smug voiceover smugged away. Being a placid fellow, I didn't lose my rag, but man, was it excruciating.

People are dissing a lot of mediocre and flawed movies but missing out the real dreck, such as:

Batman & Robin (Arnie: "they won't put me in the cooler")
The General's Daughter (another godawful Travolta thing)
An Alan Smithee Movie
K-Pax (Spacey smugfest that even Jeff Bridged couldn't redeem)
Beaches
Mrs Doubtfire (travesty of a fine kids book. Anne Fine was not happy)

I was going to include The John Denver Story but it's actually quite funny for the relentlessly chirpy lead actor and his hair.

stew, Wednesday, 16 February 2005 15:27 (sixteen years ago) link

Top Gun - no film with a 26-year-old, towel-clad Val Kilmer sneering can be all bad.

Dr Morbius (Dr Morbius), Wednesday, 16 February 2005 15:27 (sixteen years ago) link

Oh, and 40 Days And 40 Nights. Ok, Sharon Sossamon is almost unbearably lovely, but it really is a crude and jarring attempt to combine filth with romance.
The worst bit is when he spends the night with her but can't touch, so he makes her come by blowing a feather up and down her body...

Gigli does look truly horrendous. "Gobble gobble" aaarrrgggh!

stew, Wednesday, 16 February 2005 15:34 (sixteen years ago) link

Batman & Robin (Arnie: "they won't put me in the cooler")

"Everybody Chill!"

latebloomer: HE WHOM DUELS THE DRAFGON IN ENDLESS DANCE (latebloomer), Wednesday, 16 February 2005 15:35 (sixteen years ago) link

yeah i think thats actually the worst film ever

latebloomer: HE WHOM DUELS THE DRAFGON IN ENDLESS DANCE (latebloomer), Wednesday, 16 February 2005 15:38 (sixteen years ago) link

Yeah, Batman & Robin was a date movie for my 16 year old self (nothing else on in my shitty town). Didn't see her again...

stew, Wednesday, 16 February 2005 15:43 (sixteen years ago) link

All five of the movies below are FUCKING SHIT:

* BEST DEFENSE - this is a FUCKING SHIT film
* PLANET OF THE APES (Burton) - this is a FUCKING SHIT film
* 8 LEGGED FREAKS - this is a FUCKING SHIT film
* BURN HOLLYWOOD BURN - this is a FUCKING SHIT film
* VERONICA GUERIN - this is a FUCKING SHIT film

Huey (Huey), Wednesday, 16 February 2005 17:21 (sixteen years ago) link

Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man

zaxxon25 (zaxxon25), Wednesday, 16 February 2005 17:45 (sixteen years ago) link

Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man

No, that movie is classic!

Trenchcoats made of Kevlar...mwahahahahaha!

Jessie the Monster (scarymonsterrr), Wednesday, 16 February 2005 20:39 (sixteen years ago) link

My Multiplex in Hell

200 Cigarettes

Lost World Jurassic Park

Escape from LA

Requiem for a Dream

The Triplets of Belleville

American Beauty

Oceans 11 (the remake)

Traffic

Spicy Club Sauce, Wednesday, 16 February 2005 20:50 (sixteen years ago) link

Basic. A film with John Travolta AND Samuel L Jackson has no right to be this shit.

Battle Royale 2 kind of sucked as well.

ailsa (ailsa), Wednesday, 16 February 2005 20:57 (sixteen years ago) link

Not even the worst of these movies is as bad as the ILX 1990s poll
these movies are all better than those you voted for in the ILE "best of" poll
I think there are more good films in this thread than the ILE Best of the '90s.

Dumb point taken!

Pete Scholtes, Wednesday, 16 February 2005 22:51 (sixteen years ago) link

anything directed by Schumaker

--Tigerland?

or Zemeckis

--Back to the Future? Cast Away?

or Kevin Smith

--Clerks?

Any Oliver Stone film

--Salvador? Born on the Fourth of July? Talk Radio?

Pete Scholtes, Wednesday, 16 February 2005 22:52 (sixteen years ago) link

Bicentennial Man

Mike O. (Mike Ouderkirk), Wednesday, 16 February 2005 23:04 (sixteen years ago) link

Mrs Doubtfire
yeah, and the one where that schmuck is playing a robot with human feelings, too!

Jay-Kid (Jay-Kid), Wednesday, 16 February 2005 23:16 (sixteen years ago) link

Super Fuzz
Cannonball Run 2

shookout (shookout), Wednesday, 16 February 2005 23:26 (sixteen years ago) link

Not even the worst of these movies is as bad as the ILX 1990s poll
these movies are all better than those you voted for in the ILE "best of" poll
I think there are more good films in this thread than the ILE Best of the '90s.

Dumb point taken!

I only said it once, for the record, but I'm glad I'm not alone... except for romantically.

Eric H. (Eric H.), Thursday, 17 February 2005 01:49 (sixteen years ago) link

Funny Farm -- This is a terrible, unfunny comedy starring Chevy Chase and worse yet directed by George Roy Hill, who made quite a few really good movies at one point. It is the worse movie I ever actually paid to see.

Earl Nash (earlnash), Thursday, 17 February 2005 02:52 (sixteen years ago) link

All of those Fear/The Babysitter/Poison Ivy 2 movies from the early 90s are pretty atrocious.

jocelyn (Jocelyn), Thursday, 17 February 2005 21:46 (sixteen years ago) link

Total Eclipse (feat. Leonardo DiCaprio & David Thewlis)

nader (nader), Thursday, 17 February 2005 22:11 (sixteen years ago) link

Scanners,
or
Naked Lunch.


Cronenbourg is a genius? Only if genius means rubbish.

dmun, Friday, 18 February 2005 00:04 (sixteen years ago) link

you can die.

latebloomer: HE WHOM DUELS THE DRAFGON IN ENDLESS DANCE (latebloomer), Friday, 18 February 2005 00:07 (sixteen years ago) link

http://movies.infinitecoolness.com/21/scan04.jpg

plus you mispelled his name!

latebloomer: HE WHOM DUELS THE DRAFGON IN ENDLESS DANCE (latebloomer), Friday, 18 February 2005 00:09 (sixteen years ago) link

No-one mentioned "Sliver" yet? In that case, I will.

Si Carter (Si Carter), Friday, 18 February 2005 00:20 (sixteen years ago) link

Ah, sorry i spelt his name wrong, but Cronenbourg or Cronenberg, he's still made the same dire films.

dmun, Friday, 18 February 2005 14:50 (sixteen years ago) link

How the heck did I forget Star Wars Episode i? That might be worse than anything else on this thread.

Raymond Cummings (Raymond Cummings), Friday, 18 February 2005 16:11 (sixteen years ago) link

Does The Star Wars Holiday Special count as a movie? If so, it's a dead cert.

Huey (Huey), Friday, 18 February 2005 16:38 (sixteen years ago) link

Battleship Potemkin yo, the storming of the Winter Palace had every cliche in the book.
-- Gordy Stevenson (sonofsteve...), February 15th, 2005.

HAHAHA. Brilliant!

Aw, c'mon - they weren't cliches in fucking 1924!

But that's my only comment regarding the dozen-or-so above films that I like. My choice for worst:

"Crash" (wurst movie I ever paid money to see!) may have turned me off Cronenberg (& R. Arquette for that matter) forever - and I liked everything previous. Never woulda believed that any film could be repellent, unbelievable and deadly dull all at once - a near-impossible combination! - so at least I'll give him credit for that.
2nd w├╝rst $ layout: "Howard The Duck", and in fact EVERYTHING w/George Lucas's name on it after, oh, 1981 is a contenda. And every movie in which Michael Douglas plays an executive. And the aforementioned "Con Air" - Has there ever been a worse film w/as many usually dependable actors? (No.)

Myonga Von Bontee (Myonga Von Bontee), Friday, 18 February 2005 17:01 (sixteen years ago) link

Search party required for Myonga Von Bontee's sense of humour!

ailsa (ailsa), Friday, 18 February 2005 22:55 (sixteen years ago) link


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