ILX Screenwriters Presents 'It was all Yello: The Coldwerk Sessions'

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(Scene: Ralf and Florian in the studio, remixing 'Computer Love' for a new remix album. Things are clearly not going well).

Florian: Enough of this madness! This has gone too far! We must return to analog!

Ralf: I simply feel we have not fully captured the essence of this song.

(Folio: A doorbell chimes the opening notes to 'Expo 2000'). Florian swings around on his expensive leather swivel chair to check the monitor. We see the face of Chris Martin. There is a long pause).

Ralf: Well, Florian, let in our guest!

Florian: I am not so sure, Florian. We do not know him, after all, and he is casually dressed. I see neither a red shirt nor a black tie. How do we not know he is perhaps here to steal our drum triggering technology or such?

thee music mole, Saturday, 15 January 2005 10:54 (sixteen years ago) link

C- for the concept; not as brilliant as the King of Pop. Work on a second draft and get back to us.

meh. (ModJ), Saturday, 15 January 2005 11:48 (sixteen years ago) link

I feel like I'm watching a science fiction movie from the 50's.

Bimble... (Bimble...), Saturday, 15 January 2005 12:02 (sixteen years ago) link

this would be great slash...

elwisty, Saturday, 15 January 2005 19:06 (sixteen years ago) link

Ralf: Do not be so paranoid, mein freund, he is harmless? Do you not recognize who this is?

Florian: I'm afraid not.

Ralf: He is a very famous pop star, the singer in one of Britain's most well-known bands! I wonder why he is here?

Florian: Well, OK Ralf, since you seem to be acquainted with him, we shall grant him an audience. But no more than ten minutes. Since we will be returning to analog, we've got to move the Uberblitzigheitsynthesizer out of storage. It weighs 850 kg and moving it will surely occupy the remainder of the work day, so we don't have time to dilly dally with this so-called "Britpopper".

Ralf: (scowling) Analog ... grrrrr ... we shall speak about this later. (presses button on mixing console which opens the front door)

(Chris Martin enters. He is grinning from ear to ear and holding an infant)

Chris (speaking awkwardly): Gud morgan, meen hern and damen! Ich bin sehr shayn ... er ... meyn namen ist, und ... ich hab liebe far deyn musique ...

Florian: We speak English.

Chris (relieved): Oh, jolly good!

Florian: Why the child?

Chris: Oh, so sorry chaps. This is Apple ... (to baby) ... say hello Apple, say wewwo to the techno men!

Florian: Is it a fruit or a person?

Chris: She is my daughter!

Florian: Your daughter is fruit?

Chris: (somewhat taken aback) Well, no, she is a baby, of course, but we named her Apple. It is a very hip name, very Hollywood, as they say.

Florian: In Germany, we think it is inappropriate to bestow food names upon our children.

Ralf (approaching Chris): Don't listen to him, my British friend. His demeanor among children and strangers leaves something to be desired, but once you get to know him, he is a big softie. Welcome to our studio!

Chris: Thank you. I don't believe I introduced myself, I am ...

Ralf: No need, my friend, we know exactly who you are. Your tunes have made many a young girl swoon around these parts of Germany. Your mellow ditties make our Teutonic blood run smooth, pure molten love oozes from every corner of the room when your songs play on the radio, yes, you are very popular.

Chris: Thank you, thank you so much! I am so flattered.

Ralf: My favourite song is ... oh oh oh, I must sing it for you ... (aside to Chris): sometimes I like to sing this privately in the studio when Florian is on a restroom break

(presses button on sampler ... backing tracks for "Hall of Mirrors" play in the studio)

Ralf: (singing along to backing track)

Don't leave me HIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Don't leave me DRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY--IEIEIEIYYYYYYYYYYYY
Don't leave me HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

MindInRewind (Barry Bruner), Saturday, 15 January 2005 19:18 (sixteen years ago) link

(a scowl slowly forms over Chris' face. He cannot hide his anger. He violently slams the infant onto a nearby table. Strangely, the infant makes no sound despite the intense impact. Ralf stops singing immediately. The sample stops playing)

Chris: NO NO NO NO NO. That is not my band!!! That is not me!!

Ralf: I am quite confused.

Chris: That is not my band, NOT MY BAND!!!! Stop with those comparisons, stop stop stop STOP STOP !!!!!!!!

Ralf: Oh dear.

(Chris composes himself)

Chris: So sorry boys, I didn't mean to snap at you like that.

Florian: So who are you?

(Chris picks up infant from the table)

Chris: I am Chris Martin, from the highly successful and politically relevant pop band Coldplay. I have a proposition for both of you, which will hopefully lead to a collaboration of sorts. It is part of my plan, my mission, my LIFE's MISSION, to distance myself from (glaring at Ralf) that *other* band.

Ralf: Yes, yes, Rad ...

Chris (abruptly interrupting): NO!!! That name will never again be uttered as long as you are in my presence. Farschteit Ihr?

MindInRewind (Barry Bruner), Saturday, 15 January 2005 19:25 (sixteen years ago) link

"Florian: Is it a fruit or a person?

Chris: She is my daughter!

Florian: Your daughter is fruit?"


This will not be topped.

Joseph McCombs (Joseph McCombs), Saturday, 15 January 2005 19:30 (sixteen years ago) link

The humor is enhanced greatly if you imagine that both Ralf's and Florian's speech patterns and voices somewhat resemble the voice of the larger Plutonian from Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

martin m. (mushrush), Saturday, 15 January 2005 19:47 (sixteen years ago) link

Bruner's saved my cheesy arse.

thee music mole, Saturday, 15 January 2005 20:24 (sixteen years ago) link

Oh Jesus Christ on a pitchfork...wow...

Ian Moraine (Eastern Mantra), Sunday, 16 January 2005 02:45 (sixteen years ago) link

Florian: In Germany, we think it is inappropriate to bestow food names upon our children.

why is it that i can DEFINITELY see florian saying something like this?!?

Eisbär (llamasfur), Sunday, 16 January 2005 03:25 (sixteen years ago) link

Colin, where did you go? We must continue. I'm ... waiting ... for someone ... to go ... next ...

MindInRewind (Barry Bruner), Sunday, 16 January 2005 06:51 (sixteen years ago) link

Boris: "TCHICK!.... TCHICKA-TCHICKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

donut christ (donut), Sunday, 16 January 2005 06:54 (sixteen years ago) link

Cut to: night in a german city (possibly colgne?). it is rainng thinly. twinkly lights flash in time to motoric groove. square jawed pedestrians mince and dash for the cover of barely disguised strip joints

A looong white black windowed limo pulls to the curb and the door swings open.

czukay steps out and, gesturing violently to the darkened interior of the car, whispers hoarsely
: You fucker! I cannot be constantly on the tails of your husbands arse! I was hired as bass playing! Bass playing! Schultz knows I hate this celebrity bullshitting. Make your crapshit female blonde bullshit record without me...or Wobble!!!!

Sami J, Sunday, 16 January 2005 08:43 (sixteen years ago) link

This whole thread makes me laugh.

Bimble... (Bimble...), Sunday, 16 January 2005 13:27 (sixteen years ago) link

The title hints that Yello is somehow involved with all this, so someone please write Dieter Meier and Boris Blank into the story as well. Or perhaps it is too difficult to imagine how Herr Meier and Herr Blank would speak in real life...

Tuomas (Tuomas), Sunday, 16 January 2005 15:15 (sixteen years ago) link

Where's the other one that was on ILE?

dog latin (dog latin), Sunday, 16 January 2005 16:17 (sixteen years ago) link

Deiter Meier has to be resurrecting Billy Mackenzie in a Bavarian laboratory.

Ian Moraine (Eastern Mantra), Sunday, 16 January 2005 17:28 (sixteen years ago) link

(Scene: Boris Blank in his studio: a huge mess of wires feed into a 956 channel desk. Boris, clad in expensive, tight leather jeans, is slapping his own behind. Suddenly we become aware that there is a microphone, and that he is sampling the sound to use as a snare. Dieter enters the room, wearing a powder blue suit and carrying a rose. He has a watchful, slightly perverted expression on his face)

Boris (To himself): Hmmmm.

Dieter: Hello, my good friend. I have just come from the Dada Art Festival at the Swiss Museum of Modern Art. There was a crate full of oranges into which a man was projected wearing only his socks. It was amusing. How is our new song going?

Boris: It is cinematic, as usual. And yet, I feel strangely remote.

Dieter: Good, good, this is European ennui at work. I shall write some lyrics about a man deparying mysteriously from his lover in the dead of night in a limousine, leaving only a note implying he has a secret life.

Boris: No my kinky friend, this is genuine boredom. We need some new iind of idea in our music. Something a little rough and ready, like that English bricklayer with whom you once had a dalliance.

(Idly, Boris turns on the Bang and Olufsen TV. A clip is playing. It is 'Yellow' by Coldplay. They both watch for a while).

Dieter: That is a cheaply made and somewhat humourless clip. Do they live on this beach?

Boris: And yet, there is irony in that they are singing this song about us. I wonder which of our albums prompted such a sentiment?

(They both fall silent for a while, lost in thought)

thee music mole, Sunday, 16 January 2005 19:39 (sixteen years ago) link

Brilliant! Now all we need is someone uniting the two stories...

Tuomas (Tuomas), Sunday, 16 January 2005 21:40 (sixteen years ago) link

[Dieter looks at Boris, then at the TV. Then back to Boris. Then the TV. Boris. TV]
Dieter: I think I am having a Eureka moment.

Boris: Before you speak any further, let me remind you that you had a similar moment not six months ago.

Dieter: That too was a stellar moment. It is to our detriment that we did not follow-up on that idea.

Boris: You proposed that we gather the winners of Pop Idol and Deutschland Sucht Den Superstar and record a disco album of 18th century opera with both German and English lyrics being sung simultaneously. This was a terrible idea.

Dieter: When you say it like that, you make it sound so bizarre and unworkable. I am confident that it would have succeeded had it been staged at midnight in the courtyard of the Rathaus with the performers wearing wildlife costumes. The visual spectacle was central to the concept.

But never mind that now, for this one is better. These fresh-faced Coldplay fellows needs our help. These sincere, adolescent love ballads are relics from the past. Look at this video! It is so serious, there is no humour! This song will never be a hit. And the imagery -- so peurile, so basic, so obvious! The rising sun as a metaphor for the blossoming of young love? Bah!

Boris (stroking his chin): Hmmm ... go on.

Dieter: These young Britons must be shown the way. Our electronic wizardry, technological savvy, production skills, Teutonic humour, and expertise in the visual arts, together with their boy-next-door accessibility, it cannot fail! With them serving as front matter, and us as the string-pulling svengalis, pop stardom will once again be ours. It must work! It worked with Tatu, it will work for us!

Boris: Dieter, I honestly believe this is your best idea in fifteen years. I am so excited, I don't even have the motivation to continue slapping my ass here in the studio. We must contact these Coldplay fellows at once. This is an offer they cannot refuse.

MindInRewind (Barry Bruner), Sunday, 16 January 2005 22:20 (sixteen years ago) link

"string-pulling svengalis"

fauxhemian (fauxhemian), Sunday, 16 January 2005 23:02 (sixteen years ago) link

haha wonderful Barry. But we are carrying the weight of a massive concept here - who will bring it all together?

thee music mole, Monday, 17 January 2005 00:20 (sixteen years ago) link

I think it stands to reason that some kind of rivalry between Kraftwerk and Yello over who gets to remix Coldplay will develop. They need to get wind of each others' interest in the project, and then we can develop some plot tension.

thee music mole, Monday, 17 January 2005 01:08 (sixteen years ago) link

That's what I was going for.
Also: Coldplay (Chris Martin) wants to call the shots and pwn Kraftwerk, whereas Yello want to pwn Coldplay.

MindInRewind (Barry Bruner), Monday, 17 January 2005 01:16 (sixteen years ago) link

Which sets up the three-way triangle of manipulation -- can Martin hold the techno legends under his spell? But at the same time, can he spurn the devious Yello, who appear to be magnanimous but are really acting for their own selfish interests? And finally, GERMAN ELECTRONIC LEGENDS COLLIDE -- competing for the affections of a self-absorbed pop star and his comatose infant. Who will prevail? Who is zooming who? Will the music be any good?

MindInRewind (Barry Bruner), Monday, 17 January 2005 01:20 (sixteen years ago) link

But Yello are Swiss.

William Bloody Swygart (mrswygart), Monday, 17 January 2005 01:22 (sixteen years ago) link

OOPS

MindInRewind (Barry Bruner), Monday, 17 January 2005 01:24 (sixteen years ago) link

(OK, that won't detract from the conflict, it can still be billed as ELECTRONIC LEGENDS COLLIDE)

MindInRewind (Barry Bruner), Monday, 17 January 2005 01:25 (sixteen years ago) link

Yes, and it allows us to make many tired jokes about Swiss vs German national characteristics.

thee music mole, Monday, 17 January 2005 01:36 (sixteen years ago) link

I'm speechless Barry. Laughing, but speechless. This is like watching a television in my own mind, with swirling purple dots and green cacti.

Eventually, though, there has to be a fight. I vote for a remote control car fight or something. The camera will pan to the two Yello guys and then back to the Kraftwerk guys as they each maneuver their toy cars by remote control and they will have these comical eager looks on their faces. Or maybe they fight over synthesizers. One guy accidentally spills coffee on the mixing board. Chris Martin drives his Masarati literally through the studio and gets out of the car wearing a contraption much like those associated with 10,000 Leagues Under The Sea. He removes the head of the wetsuit and says...

Bimble... (Bimble...), Monday, 17 January 2005 01:41 (sixteen years ago) link

Sorry that was a multiple crosspost, me responding to the last big part of the script you had posted, Barry.

Bimble... (Bimble...), Monday, 17 January 2005 01:43 (sixteen years ago) link

Well, like the Ralf Hutter's Blind Date thread, this is a collaborative effort ... whoever wants to jump in, go ahead ...

MindInRewind (Barry Bruner), Monday, 17 January 2005 01:47 (sixteen years ago) link

somehow, giorgio moroder and the RZA have to be worked into this storyline ...

Eisbär (llamasfur), Monday, 17 January 2005 02:20 (sixteen years ago) link

Less talk, more script please.

thee music mole, Monday, 17 January 2005 02:45 (sixteen years ago) link

DAMNIT YEAH let's get Moroder into this. He'll bitch slap Kraftwerk and shake hands with Yello.

"He theenks he is goinv to save de universe!" they say of this young upstart singer superstar Chris Martin as he steps out of the spaceship. "But not without our help, Boris!"

Of course, the problem is none of this can actually be resolved. Until we witness the moment when ostensibly, Coldplay's new album ACTUALLY TRAGICALLY SUCKS ASS.

Bimble... (Bimble...), Monday, 17 January 2005 02:52 (sixteen years ago) link

[The Yello studios, Zürich.]


Dieter: You gotta say yes, this is a brilliant idea indeed! But how are we able to locate these Coldplay characters?

Boris: My friend, that shall not pose a problem. While you've been busy painting red police cars green, I've been silently yet steadily keeping up with the march of modern technology. From the video we've just seen, I am able to synthesize the attributes of the lead singer and feed them into a global positioning system, and thereby pinpoint his whereabouts to...


[Boris pushes a few buttons on his machinery.]


Dieter: Oh yeah...?

Boris: ...to Kling Klang studios, Düsseldorf!

Dieter: Kling Klang! Surely thEse are not the premises where those arch-rivals of ours, der Krafwerk, reside?

Boris: They surely are!

Dieter: Kraftwerk! Domingo de Santa Clara! Those Germanic sons of moms of guns! Could they be on the same track as we are?

Boris: It must be so! Coincidence may be of our game, but certainly not theirs.

Dieter: Curses and double-curses! I wish the wind would blow, and... We mustn't let those half-living half-automatons, those bastard mannequins of the positivist era, steal our thunder again! The might of our trimmed moustaches must prevail over that of their trimmed haircuts!

Boris: Yes, but...

Dieter: I know what you're about to say: they have the power of the critical mass behind them. The critics were willing to wait 12 years for their new LP, while in the meantime we've been churning out new records to no one's notice.

Boris: This is, then, a perfect time to reveal the secret weapon I've kept hidden for more than a decade.

Dieter: A secret weapon?

Boris: Yes! Remember poor, late Billy Mackenzie (God rest his soul) with whom we used to work in the late eighties?

Dieter: How could I forget? When I heard of his death, I wrote a screenplay in which he was reincarnated as a mariachi in a lonesome village, around which the whispers of his lady-love still mix with the ghost moans of shadow buffalos, forever...

Boris: Not now, Dieter! To continue my story, when we were working with Billy in our studio, I did a test run for a crude prototype of an apparatus I've gotten hold of. Seemingly, I was only recording a back-up track of his vocals, but in reality I was, via his voice, channelling and replicating the essence of his soul. That soul and that voice are now captured inside this box!


[Boris picks up a small metallic box ornamented wíth fluorescent characters.]


Dieter: Boris! My dear genius of a friend! That is a veritable ghost in the machine! It could prove essential in our struggle against the Teutonic Mayhem.

Boris: It could indeed. But now, we have little time to waste; Düsseldorf is our destination! To the Yellotron!

Dieter: To the Yellotron!


[The Mustachioed Duo runs towards a gigantic, illuminated snowball, situated in the middle of the Yello studio. They step inside it and close the entrance behind them. The surface of the snowball begins to flicker with iridescent light. The room is full of crackles and echoes and hums, not unlike the ones young Boris once produced sampling his mother's false teeth. The lights and sounds gradually fade out, to total silence. Only a faint smell of methane, barely discernible, hangs in the air as the only proof of what just took place.]


END OF ACT I.

Tuomas (Tuomas), Monday, 17 January 2005 11:40 (sixteen years ago) link

(Someone please continue, that took all the energy I had left.)

Tuomas (Tuomas), Monday, 17 January 2005 12:46 (sixteen years ago) link

Dieter: That is a cheaply made and somewhat humourless clip. Do they live on this beach?
Bwahahahahaha.

Tuomas, your contribution was brilliant...and of course I loved the incorporation of Mr. Mackenzie as a secret weapon.

Ian Moraine (Eastern Mantra), Monday, 17 January 2005 14:13 (sixteen years ago) link

"To the Yellotron!"

Joseph McCombs (Joseph McCombs), Monday, 17 January 2005 15:31 (sixteen years ago) link

Man this intermission better not last too long. I kinda want to get a drink but I don't wanna disturb the guy sitting next to the aisle again.

The Good Dr. Bill (The Good Dr. Bill), Monday, 17 January 2005 18:27 (sixteen years ago) link

[scene: Kling Klang studios, seven days after the first meeting between Kraftwerk and Chris Martin. It is 9:07 AM and Ralf and Florian are hard at work. Florian is editing samples while Ralf is replacing a vacuum tube on the Uberblitzigheitsynthesizer-mini.]

Ralf: Florian, what is heaven?

Florian: You know I am agnostic, Ralf. Please, let us get back to work.

Ralf: Heaven is the place where the police are British, the chefs French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and all under the organization of the Swiss.

Florian: Oh. Then what is hell?

Ralf: Hell is the place where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss, the police German, and all under the organization of the Italians.

[both break out in a fit of restrained chuckling]

Florian: That was pleasant, Ralf.

Ralf: Yes, Ulrike told me that one over the weekend.

Florian: Ah, sehr gut. Very entertaining.

Ralf: Yes, I know. The Swiss are so lame, they are not the lovers of wine and women like we Germans are.

Florian: So true. They are unrefined.

[awkward silence for a few seconds]

Florian: Ralf, do you think we are doing the right thing?

Ralf [puts down the new vacuum tube]: Florian, we are not switching back to digital so soon. I have spent three days trying to fix this sythesizer and I don't want my work to go to waste.

Florian: No, the analog synth is not the problem. It is Mr. Martin.

Ralf: I think he is swell!

Florian: Yes, he is an upstanding fellow. But ... well ... listen to this track we were working on yesterday

[Florian cues up a new track. The backbone of the song is a glitchy melody which is quite clearly sampled from the piano line in "Clocks" and fed through a high pass filter. Over this simple melody, Chris Martin wails the following lines in a knee-wobbling falsetto:

Every place has its right thing
Every place has its right thing
Every [static] has its [glitch] thing
[glitch] place has [slurp] right th-[blip]

[Ralf and Florian look at each other uncomfortably]

Ralf: It is OK.

Florian: Yes, it is OK. This is the problem. We are Kraftwerk! Does this measure up to our usual lofty standard? I think this track is unoriginal and derivative. We have our reputation to worry about.

Ralf: You do have a point. We were never any good at collaboration. It didn't work out with Karl and Wolfgang, why should this time be any different?

Florian: Exactly.

MindInRewind (Barry Bruner), Monday, 17 January 2005 18:59 (sixteen years ago) link

(sorry, "Ulrike" should be "Ute", of course)

MindInRewind (Barry Bruner), Monday, 17 January 2005 19:18 (sixteen years ago) link

1. Ralf: Florian, what is heaven?

Florian: You know I am agnostic, Ralf. Please, let us get back to work.

Ralf: Heaven is the place where the police are British, the chefs French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and all under the organization of the Swiss.

Florian: Oh. Then what is hell?

Ralf: Hell is the place where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss, the police German, and all under the organization of the Italians.

[both break out in a fit of restrained chuckling]

Goddamn hilarious and I'm using it as my away message in AIM if it fits.

2. The best parts have consistantly been all of the avant-gardy type things they do. The joke never gets old.

David Allen (David Allen), Monday, 17 January 2005 19:29 (sixteen years ago) link

Also, Coldplay brings out the best in ILX. Two amazing threads so far.

David Allen (David Allen), Monday, 17 January 2005 19:31 (sixteen years ago) link

Ralf and Florian quietly discuss the best way to suggest that the collaboration isn't working to Chris but are interrupted by the door chime. Florian and Ralf look up at the monitor, it is a woman holding the baby known as Apple.

Florian(mutters sharply): Who is that?

Ralf: I don't know, perhaps it is one of Ute's swimming companions.

Florian(disgustedly): Swimming is such a proletarian sport. Is that not the fruit child?

Chris Martin walks into the studio.

Chris: Gwyneth! Oh great. Can you buzz her in guys?

Ralf and Florian look at each other, the door opens.

Gwyneth Paltrow enters the studio and looks around cooly. Chris bounces up to meet her and a flurry of kisses and hugs are exchanges. Ralf and Florian are aghast.

Gywneth: Oh hi, you must be the cycling guys. Chris has told me all about you. Chris has been teaching me accoustic guitar, but I'm sure I'm not as good as you guys.

Apple is on the floor crawling towards a bundle of cables which are connected to the Uberblitzigheitsynthesizer. She starts pulling on one of them.

Ralf and Florian: NO!

They jump up to grab the child, but Chris has beaten them too it.

Chris: Apple, you little minx. She gets in everywhere, she just loves being involved.

Ralf and Florian sit back down. A bead of sweat on Florian's forehead.

Gwyneth: Hey Chris, have you told the guys about your idea with Apple.

Ralf: What idea would this be?

Chris: Well I was listening to the Outkast album and Big Bad Boy or Andrew 2000, I can't remember which one, had there son on it. I was thinking maybe we could sample Apple talking. Or singing (smiles sheepishly)

Ralf and Florian shuffle awkwardly in there leather chairs. A silence descends on the studio, only broken when Apple starts crying.

Billy Dods (Billy Dods), Monday, 17 January 2005 20:06 (sixteen years ago) link

Yes, Billy! A bit of Yoko factor in the studio!

Tuoumas, Barry, fantastic work. My dad tells that joke all the time, Barry.

I have been trying to come up with something but dammit, I can't compete. I'll go and get you all coffee and a BLT. Keep up the good work!

thee music mole, Monday, 17 January 2005 20:37 (sixteen years ago) link

I notice that the relationship between the Yello duo is expansive and friendly, while the Kraftwerk duo are somewhat testy with each other. I like that contrast.

I think that Yello should probably get the upper hand, temporarily at least, at some point, through some kind of bizarre but essentially European-flavoured Dadaist plot stunt that could have come straight out of one of their videoclips.

thee music mole, Monday, 17 January 2005 20:42 (sixteen years ago) link

Yeah, Yello are the wily villians of the piece. The Martin family aren't really evil, they're ignorant fuckups but they mean well (at least that's how they are being portrayed right now).

Clearly, "The Race" must play during the scene changes, and in the background while the chorus of synthesizers addresses the audience.

MindInRewind (Barry Bruner), Monday, 17 January 2005 20:48 (sixteen years ago) link

(brief) plot summary:

Our Dusseldorf heroes reluctantly begin a musical collaboration with Chris Martin of Coldplay (who was to know that the real life Coldplay would rip off "Computer Love" on one of their new tracks? Not I). Life in the studio soon becomes a living hell for Ralf and Florian, who quickly tire of Martin, his wife Gwyneth, and their baby Apple.

Independently, Yello decide to co-opt Coldplay for themselves, molding them into a boy band that projects the artistic values that they (Yello) hold dear. Once they discover that their arch-enemies Kraftwerk are working with Martin, They concoct a plan to steal Martin for themselves, while replacing him with a doppelganger in the form of the resurrected (and still horribly depressed) Billy Mckenzie.

Their plan succeeds and they make their way to Switzerland, where they plan to film a surreal video for "Yellow" (as revealed via a dream sequence).

Kraftwerk eventually realize that something is up with Yello, and they set out for Switzerland in a van along with all their recording equipment and Billy (who they believe is Chris). Recording on the road proves fruitful for Kraftwerk once they pick up Jean-Herve Peron, who assumes the driving duties. Peron seems to know exactly where he is headed, although the others do not yet understand why.

Yello also enlist the help of Wolfgang Flur, who is still looking to get even with Kraftwerk.

Yello/Chris/Gwyneth/Apple are in Switzerland, and the video shoot will soon begin. Flur is headed there, Peaches is now following Flur, Kraftwerk/Billy/Peron are still a few days behind, in their van ...

However

MindInRewind (Barry Bruner), Thursday, 24 March 2005 06:05 (sixteen years ago) link

scene: a barely lit and severely sad lowrent flat in the dusseldorf suburbs. views from ugly and decrepit windows show endless grey high rise flats.

czukay (in a leather vest): we have zem where we want zem.

off camera female voice: holger, we can't continue like this.

czukay (obviously distracted): vas? (peers out of windows and makes plucking gesture with fingers)

female voice: they'll find out about the robot the minute they try to remove the clothing. the skin texture on the face and hands is good...but the torso is mere latex stretched over tin.

Sami J, Thursday, 24 March 2005 09:23 (sixteen years ago) link

I can't wait 'til Peaches meets Apple.

Joseph McCombs (Joseph McCombs), Friday, 25 March 2005 15:40 (sixteen years ago) link

I can't wait 'til Peaches meets Apple.

Yeah, I love the fruit child parallel!

two months pass...
someone please revive!

I know some come from the reality (wetmink), Friday, 24 June 2005 01:48 (sixteen years ago) link

You know what, I think that Peaches needs her own ILE spin-off reality show thread - 'At Home With the Niskers'.

moley (moley), Friday, 24 June 2005 02:56 (sixteen years ago) link

that would dilute the fruit child parallel

milton parker (Jon L), Friday, 24 June 2005 03:51 (sixteen years ago) link

one month passes...
Shit, I remembered this morning that the script was never finished... But I also had a perfect vision how the story will end, so if you'll just allow me to do the final scene... You can do whatever you feel like with the story, all I need is for the characters to be in the same place at the end. I'll promise to get back to the script tonight, when I have more time.

Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 11 August 2005 07:31 (sixteen years ago) link

NO WAY did I think anyone was game enough to kick this one back into play. I certainly wasn't. Tuomas, you have the true fearless heart of a lion. Good luck, sir.

moley, Thursday, 11 August 2005 07:49 (sixteen years ago) link

Guys, seeing as this thread contains many exegetical, introspective moments of panicky backstage discussion among the scriptwriters, I'm sure you'll forgive me one more diversion. I want you to tell me honestly: Did my script for Metal God: The Judas Priest Story not make the grade, quality wise? Or was it just that you didn't know enough about metal/Judas Priest to carry the story (I think milton gave the corpse a couple of kicks, and he was very funny)? Cos I can't help noticing that it really didn't float your boat like the Kraftwerk scripts. And yet, I was raring to go. This was over a year ago but I'm still smarting. I mean, it was my personal Brown Bunny.

moley, Thursday, 11 August 2005 08:02 (sixteen years ago) link

I think I derailed the Priest script by making it all about teh gays. Sorry.

aldo_cowpat (aldo_cowpat), Thursday, 11 August 2005 08:34 (sixteen years ago) link

ACT III


[Scene: Dieter, Boris, and are standing in the middle of an enormous hall room. The room is staged to reproduce the dream sequence Dieter envisioned earlier on, and the trio is wearing the costumes from the dream. On a balcony stands the figure of Wolfgang Flür, operating a movie camera. Through a window on the back wall we can see the snow-covered Alps.]

Dieter: It tooks us three days to arrange this setup, but it is worth my every Vistavision dream! My only grievance is that I cannot shoot the film myself, but thankfully Herr Flür has proven to be resourceful cinematographer.

Chris [looking at his clown suite]: Okay, I'm getting some bad vibes from all this. I know there was supposed to be a surprise, but this getting a bit weird. What are we supposed with all this stuff?

Dieter: Mr. Martin, what we are asking you to do is simply to reproduce the vocal parts of your hit single inspired by us, while we're filming a new scenario set around it.

Chris [baffled]: Inspired by you? Listen, I'm still not sure exactly who you are, so how can I...

Dieter: You know the ditty I'm referring to, the one named after us. "Yello".

Chris: "Yellow"?! You want me to reshoot a two year old song?! Why, I wouldn't be a true artist if I were to repeat myself like that. I'm always in search of a new thing, a new muse, a new shooting star. There's no way you can make me...

Dieter [interrupts]: I feared it would come to this. Look, Mr. Martin, it may not be clear to you yet, but there's not the alternative of a refusal. This is why.

[Dieter presses a small electronic gadget in his hand. A video screen opens up on one of the walls. We can see the image of Apple, sleeping in a cradle, inside a room with metallic walls and no other furniture.]

Chris [shocked]: Apple! Baby Apple! You said you'd put her to sleep, somewhere safe...

Dieter: And safe she is! Unless I choose to press this button. [Points at a red button in his gadget.]

Chris: What's that?

Dieter: The room your child inhabits is hermetically sealed. Inside it's walls is located The Three-dimensional Censurround Yello Speaker System, developed by my friend Boris here. [Nods to Boris, who nods back.] Were I to start up the speaker system, it would begin to emanate the famous Yello bass sound, set in such a frequency that it would completely reprogram the brain waves of your precious love-child. As a result, when she'd grow up, you wouldn't even be able to recognize her, as she would become a... [Dramatic pause.]

Chris: Become what?! Say it, you bastard!!

[Dieter whispers something into Chris's ear.]

Chris: NOOOOOO!!! We had such special plans for her... Born of our union, she would become the greatest person on Earth.

Boris [whispers to Dieter]: You are bluffing, my good friend, aren't you? Surely you wouldn't do that to an innocent child?

Dieter [whispers back]: You worry too much. Of course I wouldn't do it. Trust me.

Dieter [to Chris]: So you see, Mr. Martin, you have no alternative but to succumb to our command.

Chris [his spirit broken]: You win, you sick old moustache-men...

Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 11 August 2005 18:17 (sixteen years ago) link

[Scene: again we see the mysterious car that drove down the mountain road towards Dieter Meier's Alpine mansion. The car seems to be broken, and the shadowy figure we saw driving it is bent over the motor. The camera closes in, and we realize that the shadow figure is none other than Peaches herself! On the car stereo the music of Yamo is playing.]

Peaches [to herself]: Finally! I think it should work now! [Stops to wipe the sweat off her brow. Suddenly her eyes get all dreamy.] Hmm, the more I listen to the music of this Flür guy, the more I like it. In fact, I think I'm starting to fall in love with him. Maybe this collab isn't such a bad idea after all...

[She tries to start the car engine. At first it just coughs, but eventually she gets it humming.]

Peaches: Success! Wolfgang Flür, you Teutonic dreamboat, here I come!

[The car speeds into the distance.]

Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 11 August 2005 18:28 (sixteen years ago) link

I'll take a break now, so if someone wants to take up Kraftwerk, feel free to do so.

Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 11 August 2005 18:33 (sixteen years ago) link

Barry?

Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 11 August 2005 18:56 (sixteen years ago) link

Or was it just that you didn't know enough about metal/Judas Priest to carry the story

Yes. There is plenty of promise in a JP story, but I'm not the person to tell it :)

I will have to read the story over again to refresh all the details. Colin, we need your Big Lebowski-esque surrealistic dream sequences!

MindInRewind (Barry Bruner), Thursday, 11 August 2005 19:01 (sixteen years ago) link

Yeah, I think Dieter might've come up with changes in the video, if you don't want to repeat yourself. Or perhaps an altogether new video? I need Kraftwerk and Peron in the mansion for the finale, but how they get there is an open question. The mansion could have a tight security system or something, if you want some action scenes.

Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 11 August 2005 19:07 (sixteen years ago) link

I'm in a new job where we actually work. I can't contribute like I used to! I'll do my level best though.

moley, Thursday, 11 August 2005 21:33 (sixteen years ago) link

Incidentally, for the next script, I was toying with the idea of a day-in-the-life style documentary about the two members of UK power noise band Whitehouse. The idea would be that they lead a very normal suburban UK existence, except that when something goes wrong, like if the bus is late, they launch into obscene tirades. Do you like that idea? You only really need to know what they sound like, what kind of lyrics they write. It's sort of a one trick pony idea, but good for a few laffs.

moley, Thursday, 11 August 2005 21:43 (sixteen years ago) link

[Scene: an empty fieldside road on the Swiss countryside, near the Alps. On the sky, dark clouds are clustering. A lone, bearded farmer is standing on the field, gathering rutabagas. A silent hum is heard in the distance. The farmer puts the rutabaga he's holding into his casket and stares at the road. A minivan is closing in.]

[Cut to: inside the Kraftwerk minivan, Jean-Herve Peron is still driving. Ralf, Florian, and Billy sit on the backseat.]

Florian: I have little idea of our current location, but he [points at Jean-Herve] seems to have a concept of where we're going. Maybe he knows more than we do. Intuition tells me...

Ralf [interrupts]: Intuition? Bah! I have never trusted this intuition of yours. In the past it has brought us nothing but complications. A true Sachkenner depends not on such flimflam.

Florian: We can discuss about this later on. Do you see that Swiss peasant idling over there? [Points at the rutabaga farmer.] Maybe he can tell us where this road is leading us.

Ralf: Jean-Herve, stop the automobile!

[The car stops in front of the farmer. Ralf opens the rear window.]

Ralf: Allo, my good Schweizer! Can you tell us, if we were to continue on this road, where would it lead us?

The farmer: This road? No... You don't want to continue on this road. There's nothing for you there. This road leads to... [lowers his voice] the mansion.

Ralf: The mansion? What is that?

The farmer: It is an evil place, up the mountains. No site for such decent-looking Deutschen like you. Wicked things take place around that house!

Florian: What things? Do tell us.

The farmer: Well, for example, one day my son walking a mountain road, and by accident came too near the mansion. Then he heard some noises behind him, and thank Gott im Himmel was quick enough to hide in the bushes before they spotted him!

Ralf: They?

The farmer: They. Along the road came a succession of half-naked men and women, their skin painted purple, all carrying bowls of water with a single goldfish in all of them. My son watched them walk towards the mansion, and then, when they were out sight, ran home as quick as his legs could carry him.

Ralf: Quite interesting.

The farmer: There are many more stories like this. There is the flying man, for example.

Florian: The flying man?

The farmer: Yes. Sometimes, on dark cloudy nights, a moustachioed man comes flying dow the mountains; he often makes several rounds above my village, screaming indescribable words. On his back he has wings dark as ebony, and his eyes burn with red fire.

Ralf: Yes, quite interesting. [To Florian:] Are you thinking of the same thing as I am?

Florian: Der Fledermaus?

Ralf: No, Dummkopf! Dieter! Dieter Maier!

Florian: Ah.

Ralf: Clearly the mansion must belong to Herr Maier. With a few simple tricks, such as a disguised hang-glider and a pair of luminescent goggles, he has managed to trick these superstitious Swissmen, making sure no one comes close his house.

Florian: Yes, I see.

Ralf: So we are on the right path after all. [To Jean-Herve:] Start the car. We'll continue.

[The car engine roars.]

The farmer: Did you not hear what I said? You do not want to go further!

Ralf: I think we will take our chance on your haunted mansion!

[The car speeds away.]

The farmer [yelling at Ralf and Florian, who cannot hear him anymore]: Haunted mansion?! Who said anything about a haunted mansion?! That place is infested with perverts, sex-freaks and, and... performance artists!!

The farmer [to himself]: Damn those Germans! Must have been a regular bunch of perverts themselves...

Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 12 August 2005 08:38 (sixteen years ago) link

[Scene: Inside the hall room of Dieter's mansion. Dieter and Gwyneth and Paltrow are standing next to each other, dressed up as a bride and a groom - exactly as in Dieter's dream. Boris and Wolfgang lurk behind the movie camera, and Chris stands on the background, looking disgruntled.]

Gwyneth: I have to say, this isn't exactly the happiest day of my life.

Dieter: I'm sure it isn't, Ms. Paltrow. But think of it like this: an oyster of the sea can take a hundred years to conceive the perfect pearl of wisdom, and often it is the oldest and worldly-wisest of roosters that lays the goldenest of eggs.

Gwyneth: What the hell are you talking about?

Dieter: Think of your child, Ms. Paltrow.

Gwyneth: My child...

[The sound of a bell is heard.]

Boris: The doorbell!

Dieter: How is that possible? We haven't invited any more guests here!

Boris: I'll go and see.

[Boris leaves the room. There's an awkward silence, as Dieter keeps staring at Gwyneth. Boris returns.]

Boris: Uh, there is someone at the door...

Dieter: Impossible! How did he get through my intricate security system?

Boris: It is not a he, rather than a lady. And she is here to see you, Wolfgang.

Wolfgang: Me?

Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 12 August 2005 09:54 (sixteen years ago) link

(Suddenly, Peaches bursts through the door, followed by a nervously scurrying Felicity Publicity, holding a clipboard)

Peaches:

Yes, you, motherfucker!

(She presses a button on her MC 505, and we hear a dry rhythm and bassline. There is also a giant hiss, and also the snares seem to be flamming every eight bars)

Grow some hair down there
Are you a boy or a bear?
I'm a diva with a beaver
And you're fresh out of Shiva
With a beaver fuckin cleaver

(Felicity's phone rings)

Felicity: Hello? Awww Lord Sony! How are you? What? Yes. Yes. OK. Yes I know, I tried to... (dispirited) Yes sir. Yes, I'll tell her. Ok. Ok, bye.

moley, Friday, 12 August 2005 10:08 (sixteen years ago) link

[Scene: Outside the Dieter Maier mansion. Night has fallen, and we see the dark outlines of the mansion in the distance. The minivan has been parked, and Ralf, Florian, Billy, and Jean-Herve stare at the massive, 15 feet wall that surrounds the mansion. Both Ralf and Florian have rucksacks on their back.]

Ralf: Looks like Herr Meier has set up some sort of a protective system to keep off unwanted guests.

Billy: Yes, and it seems to be working quite well. Listen, guys, I appreciate all that you've done for me, but maybe we should just give it up. There's no way we can get inside.

Ralf: Nonsense!

[Ralf picks up a Batmanesque hook pistol from his rucksack and shoots a small hook, followed by a long rope, at the top the wall. The hook sticks.]

Ralf: No laughable Swiss contraptions can stop the true workmanspirit of a German with a mission. Follow me! [Climbs on top of the wall and jumps on the other side.]

Jean-Herve [follows Ralf]: Woo-hee!

Florian [grabs the rope and starts to climb]: Come on, Mr. Martin. [Gives his hand to Billy.] It's you wife and child we're talking about here!

Billy [to himself]: Since we've gotten this far, I guess there's no choice but to follow this tragedy to the bitter end...

[Billy grabs Florian's hand. Together they climb over the wall.]

Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 12 August 2005 10:41 (sixteen years ago) link

glad to see carlos peron make his entrance.

frenchbloke (frenchbloke), Friday, 12 August 2005 11:33 (sixteen years ago) link

[Scene: a dimly-lit passageway inside the mansion. Ralf, Florian, and Billy are sneaking through it, talking in low voices.]

Ralf: Getting through the backdoor was almost too easy. There has to be some sort of alert system inside the house as well.

Florian: Stop! [They all stop.] Listen! Do you hear a hum...

Ralf [listens]: Yes. It's almost below the human perception level, but I sense it. Could it be...

[Florian opens his rucksack, and picks up an object that appears to be a spotlight. He points the spotlight into the passageway before them, and turns it on. The object emanates no visible light, but suddenly we can see several thin, previously invisible beams of light crossing the passage in different angles.]

Florian: I knew it! Ralf, do you think you can handle it, or...

Ralf: Yes. It is a good thing I have kept this middle-aged body of mine in perfect shape through rigorous exercise and hundreds of hours of bicycling, so it still functions like a well-oiled Mensch-Maschin. I can do it. If you just point the light for me, Florian.

[Ralf reaches for his rucksack, and picks up a can of talcum powder. He removes his shoes and socks, and applies the powder to his hands and feet. He stretches his legs and arms two times. Then he does an amazing series of jumps, cartwheels and somersaults, leaping through the passageway without touching a single beam of light. He ends up on the other side of the beam grid.]

Ralf: I think there is a switch here. [He pushes something on the wall. The beams disappear.] Yes. Come on through.

Dorian: Excellent.

Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 12 August 2005 11:57 (sixteen years ago) link

I think the finale is right around the corner now... I have to take a break, but if it's okay with you, I'll write it later today.

Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 12 August 2005 11:58 (sixteen years ago) link

no mention of dieter meier's ability to speak in swiss-german which allegedly few people can speak ? although there were promotional yello cycling shorts - no kraftwerk ones though.

frenchbloke (frenchbloke), Friday, 12 August 2005 12:53 (sixteen years ago) link

Huh? German is the most popular language in Switzerland, I've always assumed that's what Dieter and Boris speak. Or did you mean Ralf's ability to speak to the farmer? There's an easy answer to that: as you can see from the script, they were talking English with an German accent, like foreigners always do in Hollywood movies - even when they're speaking with each other.

Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 12 August 2005 13:08 (sixteen years ago) link

[Scene: The Hall Room of the mansion. Peaches is hurriedly barking orders at everyone around her.]

Peaches: You, cameraman! Get me a fucking whiskey and water! What? OK, tell that guys to get it for me. I'm fucking thirsty you assholes!

Makeup! We need more makeup on that blonde bitch in the bikini. I want to brighten her lipstick one shade as well. Where's my drink? Fuck all of you assholes!

[The video shoot has been hastily reassembled creatively. Gwyneth is wearing a green string bikini and a black bridal veil. The words "freak fucker" are scrawled on her stomach in purple lipstick. She is accompanied by a dwarf wearing a pale blue tuxedo, sporting a mohawk that is dyed orange. He is apparently the new groom for the shoot. Chris is standing off to the side, biting his nails and sipping on a glass of water. Dieter and Boris are lurking behind the cameras, stroking their chins]

Boris: I must say, I have great respect for her artistic vision, despite her unorthodox directorial style.

Dieter: Yes. I am finding all of this to be very arousing.

Boris: I thought we were doing fine without her, but she is a difficult person to refuse. Plus, I hate to interfere with creative inspiration that is as fervent as hers.

Dieter: Agreed. Plus, she has a strange hold over Flur. He respects her immensely. This sort of control can only benefit us in the end.

MindInRewind (Barry Bruner), Friday, 12 August 2005 13:12 (sixteen years ago) link

Whoa! If you want to do a scene with this video shoot, that's cool. I have in my mind outlined one more scene, where Ralf and Florian and Billy find Apple, and then they should get into the great hall (during the video shoot, probably), and then it's time for the finale. I hope no one minds if I do the finale too, because I have it planned already and it should bring all the story threads together.

Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 12 August 2005 13:25 (sixteen years ago) link

No, feel free to proceed to your finale ... we had the idea a while back to have Peaches take over the video shoot as a means of further justifying her prescence there. You can have Yello regain control somehow if that's crucial to the ending.

MindInRewind (Barry Bruner), Friday, 12 August 2005 13:40 (sixteen years ago) link

No no, it is not important what is happening in the hall, as long as as everyone's there when Ralf and Florian and Billy and Apple enter. I will now write the scene that leads them to the hall, but if you want to add a scene about the Peaches video shoot after that, tell me. Otherwise I'll follow straight with the finale.

Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 12 August 2005 14:46 (sixteen years ago) link

Also, if you don't mind, don't do anything with Jean-Herve. He has an important part in the end.

Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 12 August 2005 14:47 (sixteen years ago) link

[Scene: Ralf, Florian, and Billy are still walking through the passageways of the enormous mansion.]

Florian: Ralf?

Ralf: Yes?

Florian: I just realized we haven't seen Jean-Herve ever since we entered this house.

Ralf: Damn, you are right! We put all our attention to passing the security system, we must have forgotten all about him. I hope there aren't any more booby traps around the house for that lunatic to stumble over! We must find Boris and Dieter as quickly as possible.

Florian [stops at a metallic door]: Ralf, look at this!

Ralf: A metallic door with an electronic lock! There must be a something important behind it. We shall investigate this.

Billy: Er, how are you guys going to get through the door?

Florian: Don't worry, Mr. Martin, this is our special field. It is just like performing musical compositions.

Billy: How come?

Ralf & Florian [in unison]: All you need is the right key!

[They both chuckle discreetly.]

[Ralf picks up some complex instuments from his rucksack. Quietly and smoothly, working in complete synchronicity, like two locksmiths walzing, Ralf and Florian pick the lock. Finally, the door opens. Behind it we see the metallic room that holds baby Apple. Apple is asleep in her cradle.]

Florian: Look Mr. Martin, it is your baby daughter!

[Florian picks up Apple. She wakes up, but does not cry.]

Florian: Here you go. [Hands the baby to Billy.]

Billy: Um... How wonderful! Daddy is here, er, Pear. [Apple gives Billy a confused look, but does not react otherwise.]

Ralf: It is good to know that the baby is safe, but we are yet to locate Boris and Dieter, and your wife. If I can see clearly, at the end of this passageway is a massive wooden door. Maybe we will find the answers behind it...

Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 12 August 2005 15:17 (sixteen years ago) link

please! for the love of humanity finish this story. This has been the best 30 min. of my life reading this thread.

bj, Thursday, 18 August 2005 23:31 (sixteen years ago) link

six months pass...
[Scene: The Hall Room. The video shoot is on. Dieter and Gwyneth are standing in front of the camera, while Peaches is giving them orders. Boris and Wolfgang are behind the camera and Chris is standing in the background. Suddenly, a large wooden door on one side of the hall starts to open, and we can hear a familiar voice from behind it.]

Ralf: Herr Martin, do you really think it is wise to open the door before we...

[The door is now open. Everyone in the hall stops to stare at Ralf, Florian, and Billy. They promptly stare back.]

Florian [to Billy]: Look, Herr Martin, there's your wife!

Chris [steps out of the shadows into everyone's view]: Say what?

Ralf [looks at Chris with a slight amount of distress on his face]: Florian, I think we might have made a miscalculation...

Dieter: Indeed you have! Billy! Bring the child back to us!

Florian [To Billy]: All this time you were... I cannot believe it!

[Billy takes a few tentative steps towards Dieter. Then he stops.]

Billy: No! I won't give the child to you!

Dieter: What?!

Billy: I won't have you playing with human lives for a petty attempt to reconquer the charts!

Dieter: You what...?! What about the tapes, Billy? Have you forgotten about them?

Billy: No, I haven't forgotten about them! For a long time I thought that it mattered, that music mattered. That music was the most important thing in the world, worthy of any sacrifice. But it isn't. These fine men of Kraftwerk have taught me there are more important things in life. Screw the tapes!

[Billy starts to walk back to Ralf and Florian. Suddenly, Dieter makes a swinging move with his hand. A small pistol springs from inside his sleeve to his hand. He grabs a hold of Gwyneth and points the pistol to her head.]

Dieter: Stop right where you are, Billy! Give the child back to us, or her mother will exit the realm of the living.

Chris: Pumpkin pie!

Boris: Dieter, you promised to me...

Dieter [interrupts]: Shut up, Boris! I'm in control of the situation! [To Billy:] All we want to do is finish this video shoot, then everything will be fine again.

Billy: I guess I have no choice...

Dieter: No, you don't. [To Wolfgang]: Wolfgang! Take the child from Billy and bring it to me!

[Wolfgang steps from behind the camera and walks over to Billy. With a resigned look Billy hands the baby to him. He starts to step towards Dieter, but then he suddenly stops.]

Wolfgang: Hold on, why should I abide to you? Now that I have the baby, I have control over Herr Martin and Frau Paltrow. With their assistance, me and Peaches can produce the hit record that has for so long eluded me. I have no need for you two anymore!

[Dieter stares at Wolfgang with a dumbfounded look. Then he pushes Gwyneth aside and grasps Peaches instead, putting the gun on her temple.]

Peaches: Hey!

Dieter: Et tu, Brute! Bring the child to me, or your wench dies!

Peaches: Motherfucker, what did you say?!

Dieter: Shut up!

[Wolfgang looks at Dieter, then lowers his gaze. He slowly walks to Dieter, and hands the child to him. Dieter takes the child, but at the same he has to loosen his grasp on Peaches.]

Peaches [kicks Dieter to his knee]: You motherfucking slimy Kraut bastard!

[Dieter falls down. The pistol drops on the floor. Right before hitting the ground Dieter tries to throw Apple to Boris. The film now goes into slow motion. We see Apple slowly going up to air, not looking scared at all. Everyone in the room, excluding Dieter, runs towards the centre of the hall, trying to catch Apple when she comes down. Back to normal speed: Apple is falling down, but all of a sudden her flight stops. She is levitating in the midair. An enormously bright, green light begins to shine from his eyes. The light fills the whole room with a green haze. Everyone stops on their spot, with a zombie-like gaze on their faces.]

Apple [with a deep, booming voice]: CEASE!!

Tuomas (Tuomas), Wednesday, 22 February 2006 11:38 (fifteen years ago) link

Just two more scenes and it is finshed. I'll get back to them later on tonight.

Tuomas (Tuomas), Wednesday, 22 February 2006 11:39 (fifteen years ago) link

[Scene: Baby Apple is hovering seven feet above the floor. Her eyes are full of green light, which illuminates the room. Everyone else has fallen into a zombie-like state. Ralf, Florian, Dieter, Boris, Billy, Gwyneth, and Chris are just staring at Apple with dull eyes and open mouths.]

Apple [with a booming voice]: THIS FARCE HAS BEEN AMUSING, BUT IT NEEDS TO END! NO HARM SHALL COME TO THE CHILD! IT IS ALL OVER NOW! YOU WILL ALL LEAVE THIS PLACE AND RETURN HOME WITHOUT ANY MEMORY OF WHAT HAS TAKEN PLACE HERE.

Everyone [in unison]: Yes.

Apple: BUT BEFORE YOUR MINDS ARE EMPTIED, I HAVE SOME SPECIFIC INSTRUCTIONS TO EACH ONE OF YOU. THESE INSTRUCTIONS WILL STAY IN YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS EVEN IF EVERYTHING ELSE REGARDING THIS INCIDENT IS LOST. [Turns to Peaches and Wolfgang:] PEACHES AND WOLFGANG!

Peaches and Wolfgang: Yes?

Apple: YOU WILL HAVE A PASSIONATE LOVE AFFAIR AND RELEASE SEVERAL CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED COLLABORATIVE RECORDS. HOWEVER, THE AFFAIR WILL EVENTUALLY END DUE TO DOMESTIC ABUSE. SEVERAL YEARS LATER WOLFGANG WILL COME PUBLIC ON HIS TRAUMA, RELEASING A MILDLY SUCCESSFUL COVER VERSION OF "WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT".

Apple [to Dieter and Boris]: DIETER AND BORIS!

Dieter and Boris: Yes?

Apple: YOU WILL HELP BILLY TO PRODUCE HIS FINAL ALBUM BASED ON THE MASTER TAPES YOU HOLD IN YOUR POSSESSION. THE RECORD WILL REACH THE LOWER TOP 40, PROVIDING YOU WITH NEW PRODUCTION ASSIGNMENTS, THUS FULFILLING YOUR DEEPER SVENGALI DESIRES. YOU WILL THEN GIVE BILLY'S SOUL THE REST IT DESERVES.

[Cut to: The balcony of the hall room. In the shadows of the balcony we notice a shady figure lying on the floor, hiding from the pervasive green light. The camera closes in, and we see that it is Jean-Herve. He is observing the events of the room, apparently unaffected by Apple's hypnotic eyes.]

Apple: CHRIS AND GWYNETH!

Chris and Gwyneth: Yes?

Apple: YOU WILL RAISE ME LIKE ANY LOVING PARENTS SHOULD, SO THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE IN PLACE WHEN THE TIME COMES...

Chris and Martin: Of course!

Apple: RALF AND FLORIAN!

Ralf and Florian: Yes?

Apple: YOU WILL NOT GO BACK TO ANALOG! THAT IS RIDICULOUS!

Tuomas (Tuomas), Wednesday, 22 February 2006 17:15 (fifteen years ago) link

[Scene: We see a montage of Ralf and Florian, Boris and Dieter and Billy, and Wolfgang and Peaches working in they're respective studios. The background music is a joyful mash-up of each of their compositions. Everyone is looking content and happy working in the studio. Peaches is kissing Wolfgang's neck; Ralf and Florian are conversing over a cup of coffee; Dieter and Boris are rerecording Billy's vocals, and we can see a lone tear on his cheek. The music fades to "Yellow" by Coldplay, and we cut to Chris and Gwyneth standing before Apple's cradle. They are holding hands and smiling, looking at their daughter, who is asleep. The camera zooms to Apple, to his innocent, sleeping face.]


FIN

Tuomas (Tuomas), Wednesday, 22 February 2006 17:18 (fifteen years ago) link

EPILOGUE


[Scene: A recording studio. Jean-Herve and five younger, long-haired musicians are sitting in circle, sharing a spliff between them. Jean-Herve takes the joint and drews on it a couple of times. He then exhales a cloud of weed smoke.]

Jean-Herve: Have I told you boys that the Second Coming of Christ is upon us?

Long-Haired Musician 1: The Second Coming?

Jean-Herve: Yes. Christ has already been born into this plane. I have seen her face...

Long-Haired Musician 2: "Her"? It's a girl? Who is she?

Jean-Herve: What I tell you now must not go beyond these walls! It is Apple Martin, the child of Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow!

Long-Haired Musician 1: The child of Chris Martin and Gwyneth... Er, right. Pass the reefer, won't you?

Tuomas (Tuomas), Wednesday, 22 February 2006 17:19 (fifteen years ago) link

I'm sorry that the last scenes took so long, I'd already plotted them back in August, but I just forgot about the whole thing.

Tuomas (Tuomas), Wednesday, 22 February 2006 17:39 (fifteen years ago) link

I wasn't expecting that. Wow, IT WAS THE BABY ALL ALONG.

NoTimeBeforeTime (Barry Bruner), Wednesday, 22 February 2006 18:12 (fifteen years ago) link

Well, it seemed like there was something wrong with the baby right from the beginning. And we needed a deus ex machina solution to pull all the loose strings together, so...

Maybe I'll now compile the whole screenplay into one piece and post it to ILE or something.

Tuomas (Tuomas), Wednesday, 22 February 2006 18:17 (fifteen years ago) link

The camera zooms to Apple, to his innocent, sleeping face.

I like how Apple changes genders in the very last frame. Very Hedwig.

Myke. (Myke Weiskopf), Wednesday, 22 February 2006 22:25 (fifteen years ago) link

Whoops! We have only one word for he/she in Finnish, so we often make these sort of mistakes.

Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 23 February 2006 06:25 (fifteen years ago) link

Whoops! We have only one word for he/she in Finnish, so we often make these sort of mistakes.

You gave us Pan Sonic and Maria Kalaniemi. I forgive you.

Myke. (Myke Weiskopf), Thursday, 23 February 2006 11:09 (fifteen years ago) link

two months pass...
credits

screen stays black for two minutes

then slowly fades up on the image of the ruins of an Irish castle on the side of a small cliff overlooking the marsh. "Metal Machine Music" plays quietly in the background, under the sound of wind. the night sky is filled with stars.

cut to: the view from one of the gates. a figure is slowly making his way towards the castle. it is CARLOS PERON. when he finally walks through the gate, his face catches the reflection of a radiant blue light. he turns to face the light and walks towards it.

The camera tracks Carlos POV from over his shoulder as he walks towards the blue light in the direct center of the castle, which is largely clear though overrun with wild grass, and uncovered beneath the sky. there is a figure in the center of the light.

POV shot from over the shoulder of the figure in the center of the blue light as Carlos approaches. He stops about six feet from her, and smiles.

We see the figure: It is MADONNA, dressed as EVITA.

Carlos: Hello.

Madonna instantly opens her mouth and begins to scream in terrible agony. Her body convulses in a parody of her classic dance moves, particularly the "Papa Don't Preach" video, and her head lolls about as if completely free of its spine. Suddenly, her head snaps up to stare at Carlos, her eyes bulging from her sockets. Fangs emerge from the top and bottom of her right eye, which is forcibly sucked back into the head before they close over it: the head of a serpent then emerges from Madonna's eye socket. The serpent regards Carlos for an instant, gives a friendly smile, then flips over the bridge of Madonna's nose to eat its way back into her head through her left eye.

Madonna falls to her knees and gives an upward shriek in a way not entirely unlike the climax of the 'Ray of Light' video, thrusting her arms skyward before Carlos. Suddenly, the serpent emerges from Madonna's mouth, and her body grows still.

Serpent: Hellooooo!

Carlos: A-ha! Hello.

Serpent: I have lost faith in my host, Carlos. And not only my faith -- I have also lost my control. I thank you for releasing me from my spinal prison.

Carlos: How was it that I did that?

Serpent: Why, with that simple peck on her bottom, you silly! No one ever thought to kiss her there before.

Carlos: My dear Kundalini. I did no such thing.

The serpent pauses, smirking. Suddenly the smirk becomes a frown. Then the snake begins to dance, in mortal pain, whipping its host body back and forth in another familiar series of dance moves. Carlos removes a small gun which has the words "MEMORY LASER" written in large block letters down its side, and pulls the trigger. Madonna's body bursts into a disco rainbow explosion, which then beams itself quickly into the Irish night (in a manner directly stolen from the "I'm Alive" dance number in the opening scene of the film "Xanadu"), and in one instant the entire world is collectively relieved of each and every memory of Madonna's existence and music. Bitch can't even sing.

Carlos pauses. The night is once again silent, but for the wind. Carlos puts away his gun.

Carlos: The path is clear, my friends. The rest... is up to you.

Carlos steps away from the center of the castle, once again points his flamethrower at the ground, and rockets away, straight up, into the starry night.

milton parker (Jon L), Sunday, 30 April 2006 07:24 (fifteen years ago) link

Bravo milton! At last I can sleep again.

ratty, Sunday, 30 April 2006 08:30 (fifteen years ago) link

one year passes...

Wow, I never caught this epilogue! Great stuff.

Tuomas, Friday, 7 September 2007 10:42 (fourteen years ago) link

twelve years pass...

Florian: In Germany, we think it is inappropriate to bestow food names upon our children.
why is it that i can DEFINITELY see florian saying something like this?!?

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Sunday, 16 January 2005 03:25 (fifteen years ago) bookmarkflaglink

Classic. I like to think Florian would approve.

Dan Worsley, Wednesday, 6 May 2020 22:36 (one year ago) link


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