Artist-specific music jokes

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There aren't too many, I reckon.

Q: When did Paul McCartney write Silly Love Songs?
A: His entire career.

Q: Why were the Byrds great?
A: They set Bob Dylan songs to music.

roger adultery (roger adultery), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 14:50 (eighteen years ago) link

I heard a Cliff Burton/Metallica joke once, but I can't remember it.

So make your own.

Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 14:52 (eighteen years ago) link

This one's from the 80's and needs updating but I'll tell it exactly as it appears on Marc Riley and the Creepers "Bard of Woking" which is where I heard it first.

Q: What does it take to get the Beatles back together?
A: Three bullets and a gun.

everything, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 14:58 (eighteen years ago) link

q :: what has 9 arms and sucks¿
a :: def leopard.

q :: what was the 1st thing clapton did after writing tears in heaven¿
a :: shoved his kid out the window.

dysøn (dyson), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:18 (eighteen years ago) link

That Clapton joke is great!

Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:19 (eighteen years ago) link

UPDATE YR BEATLES JOKE PLEASE...two bullets.

n/a (Nick A.), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:19 (eighteen years ago) link

celine dion walks into a bar and the bartender says, "what's with the long face"?

wordyrappington (wordyrappington), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:19 (eighteen years ago) link

how do you know it's midnight at michael jackson's house?

the big hand's on the little hand.

wordyrappington (wordyrappington), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:20 (eighteen years ago) link

q :: what was the 1st thing clapton did after writing tears in heaven¿
a :: shoved his kid out the window.

-- dysøn (dyspleasur...), September 29th, 2004.

haha, ever see that Mr. Show sketch?

latebloomer (latebloomer), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:37 (eighteen years ago) link

MOUTH FULL OF SORES.

DEEBZ (ddb), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:38 (eighteen years ago) link

Sumner: Coming down to the pub then, Ian?
Curtis: Nah, think I'll just hang around here.

the epistemology of Kylie, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:49 (eighteen years ago) link

a golden oldie :
what do you call a cow with wings?
linda mccartney.

zappi (joni), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:52 (eighteen years ago) link

haha, ever see that Mr. Show sketch?
no¡ do tell.

dysøn (dyson), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:52 (eighteen years ago) link

there was a sketch on Mr. Show once with an eric clapton-like character who kept capitalizing on tragedies by writing songs about them to win awards. also he has a rivalry with a brian wilson-type character which leads to some funny shit. you really just have to see the episode yourself, my telling of of it doesn't do it justice.

latebloomer (latebloomer), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 17:06 (eighteen years ago) link

ah yes, the Teardrop Awards sketch. "Take it from me, a guy who's got mouth sores, I know the value of a mouth without sooooooooores..."

Shakey Mo Collier, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 17:40 (eighteen years ago) link

Q: Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's hands?
A: Neither has he

rentboy (rentboy), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:14 (eighteen years ago) link

Q: What do vegetarian worms eat?
A: Linda McCartney.

Wooden (Wooden), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:18 (eighteen years ago) link

Q: What's Sid Vicious's real name?
A: John.

King Korn Karn, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:21 (eighteen years ago) link

Q: Where does Kylie go to buy her dinner?
A: Jason's doner van.

I love that one.

Wooden (Wooden), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:23 (eighteen years ago) link

Q: Who's cooler: Lemmy or God?
A: Trick question -- LEMMY IZ GOD

Je4nne ƒury (Jeanne Fury), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:27 (eighteen years ago) link

q: where to cantaloupes and honeydew send their kids for the summer?
a: john cougar melon camp.

fact checking cuz (fcc), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:28 (eighteen years ago) link

TOM WAITS FOR NO MAN

nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:44 (eighteen years ago) link

What was that one...What do you get when you cross a pirate and a urinal? "Arrr Kelly" or something like that.

frankE (frankE), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:49 (eighteen years ago) link

JC Penney's is having a Michael Jackson sale ... little boys pants 1/2 off.

JC-L (JC-L), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:52 (eighteen years ago) link

Q: How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to change the lightbulb and another one to look bored.

daavid (daavid), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:56 (eighteen years ago) link

Q: What did Mark E. Smith say to the qualified job applicant?
A: You're totally hired!

Q: What did Mark E. Smith say after the marathon?
A: I'm totally tired!

Q: About doing his homework?
A: It's totally required!

Q: To Brix?
A: You're totally fired!

Really, anything that ends in 'ired.' Eh hem.

cookieman, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:01 (eighteen years ago) link

Derek Erdman told me those. He's a laff riot.

cookieman, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:03 (eighteen years ago) link

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is plastic and harmful to children, the other holds groceries.

My name is Kenny (My name is Kenny), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:04 (eighteen years ago) link

Q: Why couldn't Eric Clapton save his son?

A: He has a slow hand.

Gooey Lewis, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:07 (eighteen years ago) link

Q: Why is R. Kelly so good at blackjack?

A: Because he doesn't hit on anything over 16.

Joseph McCombs (Joseph McCombs), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:07 (eighteen years ago) link

Q: Whats the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

A: Neil Armstrong walked on the moon.....

....and Michael Jackson fucks kids.

djdee2005 (djdee2005), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:21 (eighteen years ago) link

That one doesn't work as well on paper.

djdee2005 (djdee2005), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:21 (eighteen years ago) link

fuck, some of these are killing me!

ken taylrr (ken taylrr), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:26 (eighteen years ago) link

My favourite music-joke punchline: That's not Bono. That's God. He just thinks he's Bono.

Bruce S. Urquhart (BanjoMania), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:27 (eighteen years ago) link

maybe bono should be replaced by someone else in that joke.

dysøn (dyson), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:38 (eighteen years ago) link

Q: What's black and white and has two eyes?

A: Sammy Davis Jr. and Sandy Duncan.

Joseph McCombs (Joseph McCombs), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:40 (eighteen years ago) link

q: why can't stevie wonder read?
a: because he's black


6335, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:44 (eighteen years ago) link

q: what's black and white and comes in little cans?

a: michael jackson

Dan Selzer (Dan Selzer), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:21 (eighteen years ago) link

God is love. Love is blind. Ray Charles is blind. Therefore, Ray Charles is God.

Rickey Wright (Rrrickey), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:22 (eighteen years ago) link

So then, Nietzsche WAS right.

Duder Supreme, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:25 (eighteen years ago) link

A 1983 British classic for you...

So anyway, at the height of his fame Adam Ant visits the set of top British soap opera Coronation Street. As luck would have it, his favourite character Stan Ogden invites to come for a drink in legendary pub the Rover's Return on set. There they proceed to sink a great many pints of fine English ale. More than a little the worse for wear, Adam Ant decides to get one more round in. But as he stands up, he suddenly grips his side and starts moaning terribly. "What is it, mate?" says his companion. Adam starts singing: "Stan, it's my liver..."

/coat

marco (marco), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:36 (eighteen years ago) link

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Colin Meeder (Mert), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:37 (eighteen years ago) link

Put it in the microwave until its bill withers!

Joseph McCombs (Joseph McCombs), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:43 (eighteen years ago) link

What goes 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0?

Karen Carpenter's dress-size.

Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:48 (eighteen years ago) link

Taxi driver dropping off the Mael brothers at an airport, struggling to get one of their suitcases out of the boot. Turns to a nearby man and says 'when this gets out, Sparks are gonna fly'.

Michael Philip Philip Philip Annoyman (Ferg), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:51 (eighteen years ago) link

Knock knock
Who's there?
Philip
Philip who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Philip
Philip who?
Philip
Philip who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Philip
Philip who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Philip
Philip who?
Philip
Philip who?
Philip
Philip who?
Philip
Philip who?
Philip Glass

udu wudu (udu wudu), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 21:14 (eighteen years ago) link

Hah, that one is great.

Speaking of people i'd like to pie in the face . . .

Hurting (Hurting), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 21:30 (eighteen years ago) link

Yeah, there's also (though it's not artist-specific)

How how many how many minimalists how many minimalists does how many minimalists does it how many minimalists does it take how many minimalists does it take to how many minimalists does it take to change how many minimalists does it take to change a how many minimalists does it take to change a lightbulb?

sundar subramanian (sundar), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 21:43 (eighteen years ago) link

Michael Philip, that joke is pure genius

roger adultery (roger adultery), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 22:25 (eighteen years ago) link

So The Who was having a problem in their hotel suite. While everyone was trying to get some sleep, the lead singer was starting to freak out, throwing furniture around and threatening the other members of the band. Slowly they came to the realization that he'd gone loco, so they jumped on him, tied him up with the bedsheets to restrain him and then took him down to the hospital for a psychiatric analysis.

"Yep," said the doctor, "he's bats, all right."

"You've got to do something!" exclaimed the other members of the band.
"Check him into the rubber room, innit?"

"I'm afraid I can't do that," said the doctor with a sad look in his eye.

"But you must!" exclaimed the band, "Otherwise we'll never get sleep again!"

"I'm afraid a higher power has forbidden it, lads." The doctor grabbed his Bible and patted it. "It says explicitly, 'Thou shalt not commit a Daltrey'."

Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 22:34 (eighteen years ago) link

q: why can't stevie wonder read?
a: because he's black

― 6335, 29. syyskuuta 2004 22:44 Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Q: Why can't Ray Charles read?
A: Because he's dead.

Tuomas, Wednesday, 15 May 2019 11:59 (three years ago) link

I think man alive's works more for Philip Glass.

All along there is the sound of feedback (Sund4r), Wednesday, 15 May 2019 12:40 (three years ago) link

q: why can't stevie wonder read?
a: because he's black
― 6335, 29. syyskuuta 2004 22:44 Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

A kid told that to me in the sixth grade. As far as I can remember it was my first exposure to any overt racism. He laughed and laughed!

Sam Weller, Wednesday, 15 May 2019 12:49 (three years ago) link

I've often felt that "The National" and "Vampire Weekend" were decent two word jokes albeit ones without punchlines.

Le Baton Rose (Turrican), Wednesday, 15 May 2019 21:04 (three years ago) link

a joke without a punchline is... just some words, so you’re correct in that sense i guess

michael keaton IS jim thirlwell IN ‘foetaljuice’ (bizarro gazzara), Wednesday, 15 May 2019 21:06 (three years ago) link

This is honestly one of the greatest things I've seen this year.#warrenzevon #knockknock pic.twitter.com/5O5PKWJg6I

— Ali Catterall (@AliCatterall) May 17, 2019

Elitist cheese photos (aldo), Friday, 17 May 2019 16:42 (three years ago) link

eight months pass...

I like Motown acts, but I can only think of maybe three, four tops

doorstep jetski (dog latin), Thursday, 6 February 2020 16:39 (two years ago) link

*applauds*

van dyke parks generator (anagram), Thursday, 6 February 2020 16:59 (two years ago) link

one year passes...

How do you know an email came from Aretha Franklin?

Subject - Re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Spect (just a little bit)

Hideous Lump, Monday, 8 February 2021 07:10 (one year ago) link

Q: Hey asshole! Which enterprise-grade messaging platform is used for workspace collaboration at Merge Records?

A: Slack, motherfucker!

stuck in the version layer (morrisp), Sunday, 21 February 2021 02:44 (one year ago) link

Lol Hideous

if you meh them, shut up (Neanderthal), Sunday, 21 February 2021 03:19 (one year ago) link

ten months pass...

Q: Why was Richard D. James fired from his gig as cinematographer of the Pearl Jam tour?
A: He couldn't keep Stone in focus.

best BASSMAN sticker on Etsy (morrisp), Sunday, 2 January 2022 02:42 (eleven months ago) link

Knock knock
Who's there?
Philip
Philip who?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philip_Glass_Buys_a_Loaf_of_Bread

Moniker? I barely know 'er! (SlimAndSlam), Sunday, 2 January 2022 14:35 (eleven months ago) link

Q: How many members of U2 does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to do it, one to tell the world why they're doing it, and two to stand in the background.

Q: How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just watch it burn out and then follow it around for twenty years.

Ex Slacker, Saturday, 8 January 2022 05:18 (ten months ago) link

Q: What do you call a guitarist whose signature is playing arpeggios at 17.8 nps?
A: Peter Buckethead

i woke up alarmed (morrisp), Monday, 10 January 2022 23:58 (ten months ago) link

I'd listen to that album

Muad'Doob (Moodles), Tuesday, 11 January 2022 00:10 (ten months ago) link

Could stand to work an XTC reference into the Q, but I still lol'd.

peace, man, Tuesday, 11 January 2022 00:12 (ten months ago) link

Q: What do you call it when Crosby, Stills and Nash get together with the lead singer from Chicago?
A: Crosby, Stills, Nash et Cetera.

theo, Tuesday, 11 January 2022 02:04 (ten months ago) link

I’m gonna apologize for this awful bit of homebrew in advance. I just think he deserves a bit of relief from the ableist/racist shit. Anyhow.

Q: Why did Stevie Wonder fail his commercial truck driver’s exam in 1984?

A: Apparently he totally aced it, right up till the end when he kept shifting gears up and up and up for NO FUCKING GOOD REASON WHATSOEVER

war mice (hardcore dilettante), Tuesday, 11 January 2022 12:54 (ten months ago) link

Lol, I'm never sure if he does that in golden lady or it's a shepard tone style illusion.

two sleeps till brooklyn (ledge), Tuesday, 11 January 2022 13:00 (ten months ago) link

Could work for Beyonce / Love On Top

Urbandn hope all ye who enter here (dog latin), Tuesday, 11 January 2022 13:40 (ten months ago) link

OMG, he totally does it in Golden Lady too. The above joke was specifically a complaint about “I Just Called To Say I Love You” but apparently it’s a bigger thing.

war mice (hardcore dilettante), Tuesday, 11 January 2022 14:57 (ten months ago) link

hey he was just trying to reach the higher ground

nonsensei (Ye Mad Puffin), Tuesday, 11 January 2022 15:45 (ten months ago) link

Q: What does Eric Clapton and coffee have in common?

birdistheword, Tuesday, 11 January 2022 15:48 (ten months ago) link

Only good with Cream?

i woke up alarmed (morrisp), Tuesday, 11 January 2022 15:49 (ten months ago) link

Ah, beat me to this post, but yes...

https://imgflip.com/i/60uks8

birdistheword, Tuesday, 11 January 2022 15:51 (ten months ago) link

Also I found that Mr. Show sketch mentioned upthread:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WCD-F81iptk

birdistheword, Tuesday, 11 January 2022 15:58 (ten months ago) link

Q: why did Eric Clapton cross the road?
A: because he's a cunt

they were written with a ouija board and a rhyming dictionary (Neanderthal), Tuesday, 11 January 2022 16:21 (ten months ago) link

Q: How does Ian Astbury's wife know when breakfast has been served?
A: When she smells Frankenberries.

peace, man, Monday, 24 January 2022 15:00 (ten months ago) link

I once read a dialogue in the Megg and Mogg comics something like, "Dude, you just pulled a Thurston Moore!" And I thought that was kinda funny I think.

Piano Mouth, Monday, 24 January 2022 15:10 (ten months ago) link

Q: Why don't Stereolab go on any long pub crawls?
A: Because they just go back and forth between the first two bars.

everything, Friday, 28 January 2022 01:07 (ten months ago) link

Good one

Muad'Doob (Moodles), Friday, 28 January 2022 03:09 (ten months ago) link

one month passes...

Courtesy of my sister:

Q: Who is the most accommodating R&B singer?
A: Mary J. Oblige

Les hommes de bonbons (cryptosicko), Thursday, 10 March 2022 21:22 (eight months ago) link

Who is the most soothing hip-hop artist?

Succor MC

jenny from the blockchain (Ye Mad Puffin), Thursday, 10 March 2022 22:34 (eight months ago) link

Ha ha ha

Halfway there but for you, Friday, 11 March 2022 16:43 (eight months ago) link

Which prog rock band were the biggest dicks?

Genital Giant

Three Rings for the Elven Bishop (Dan Peterson), Friday, 11 March 2022 17:05 (eight months ago) link

I was robbed at a gas station in NJ last night. After my hands stopped trembling..I managed to call the cops and they were quick to respond and calmed me down..... My money is gone.. the police asked me if I knew who did it..I said yes.. it was pump number 9…

— ICE T (@FINALLEVEL) March 24, 2022

if ice-t bought an electric vehicle would he have to change his name?

koogs, Friday, 25 March 2022 08:23 (eight months ago) link

which gay pop band sucks the best?! raw blow featuring kneel and bob!

xzanfar, Friday, 25 March 2022 14:09 (eight months ago) link

Q. Who's the house band for the You Tube interview show Hots Ones?

A. The Red Hot Chili Poopers

Hideous Lump, Monday, 4 April 2022 04:39 (eight months ago) link

What appetizer did Phoenix always ask for on their tour rider?

Hot wings.

peace, man, Monday, 4 April 2022 10:47 (eight months ago) link

seven months pass...

One I made up:

When Judas Priest went acoustic, people shouted 'JESUS!'

Urbandn hope all ye who enter here (dog latin), Wednesday, 16 November 2022 17:01 (two weeks ago) link

What special treatment to disco stars get in hospital?

A neater ward

you can see me from westbury white horse, Wednesday, 16 November 2022 17:12 (two weeks ago) link

Lol dl

Fash Gordon (Neanderthal), Wednesday, 16 November 2022 17:18 (two weeks ago) link

How do you know when Lars Ulrich is at your door?

Your Enter Sandman download is at 95%

Fash Gordon (Neanderthal), Wednesday, 16 November 2022 17:19 (two weeks ago) link

a+ dog latin!

Lavator Shemmelpennick, Wednesday, 16 November 2022 17:34 (two weeks ago) link

yes! a+

bendy, Wednesday, 16 November 2022 19:21 (two weeks ago) link

...I liked the neater ward one too...

m0stly clean (Slowsquatch), Wednesday, 16 November 2022 20:26 (two weeks ago) link

Yeah that was a good in!

Urbandn hope all ye who enter here (dog latin), Wednesday, 16 November 2022 23:36 (two weeks ago) link


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