Artist-specific music jokes

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There aren't too many, I reckon.

Q: When did Paul McCartney write Silly Love Songs?
A: His entire career.

Q: Why were the Byrds great?
A: They set Bob Dylan songs to music.

roger adultery (roger adultery), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 14:50 (fourteen years ago) link

I heard a Cliff Burton/Metallica joke once, but I can't remember it.

So make your own.

Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 14:52 (fourteen years ago) link

This one's from the 80's and needs updating but I'll tell it exactly as it appears on Marc Riley and the Creepers "Bard of Woking" which is where I heard it first.

Q: What does it take to get the Beatles back together?
A: Three bullets and a gun.

everything, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 14:58 (fourteen years ago) link

q :: what has 9 arms and sucks¿
a :: def leopard.

q :: what was the 1st thing clapton did after writing tears in heaven¿
a :: shoved his kid out the window.

dysøn (dyson), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:18 (fourteen years ago) link

That Clapton joke is great!

Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:19 (fourteen years ago) link

UPDATE YR BEATLES JOKE PLEASE...two bullets.

n/a (Nick A.), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:19 (fourteen years ago) link

celine dion walks into a bar and the bartender says, "what's with the long face"?

wordyrappington (wordyrappington), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:19 (fourteen years ago) link

how do you know it's midnight at michael jackson's house?

the big hand's on the little hand.

wordyrappington (wordyrappington), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:20 (fourteen years ago) link

q :: what was the 1st thing clapton did after writing tears in heaven¿
a :: shoved his kid out the window.

-- dysøn (dyspleasur...), September 29th, 2004.

haha, ever see that Mr. Show sketch?

latebloomer (latebloomer), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:37 (fourteen years ago) link

MOUTH FULL OF SORES.

DEEBZ (ddb), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:38 (fourteen years ago) link

Sumner: Coming down to the pub then, Ian?
Curtis: Nah, think I'll just hang around here.

the epistemology of Kylie, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:49 (fourteen years ago) link

a golden oldie :
what do you call a cow with wings?
linda mccartney.

zappi (joni), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:52 (fourteen years ago) link

haha, ever see that Mr. Show sketch?
no¡ do tell.

dysøn (dyson), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:52 (fourteen years ago) link

there was a sketch on Mr. Show once with an eric clapton-like character who kept capitalizing on tragedies by writing songs about them to win awards. also he has a rivalry with a brian wilson-type character which leads to some funny shit. you really just have to see the episode yourself, my telling of of it doesn't do it justice.

latebloomer (latebloomer), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 17:06 (fourteen years ago) link

ah yes, the Teardrop Awards sketch. "Take it from me, a guy who's got mouth sores, I know the value of a mouth without sooooooooores..."

Shakey Mo Collier, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 17:40 (fourteen years ago) link

Q: Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's hands?
A: Neither has he

rentboy (rentboy), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:14 (fourteen years ago) link

Q: What do vegetarian worms eat?
A: Linda McCartney.

Wooden (Wooden), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:18 (fourteen years ago) link

Q: What's Sid Vicious's real name?
A: John.

King Korn Karn, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:21 (fourteen years ago) link

Q: Where does Kylie go to buy her dinner?
A: Jason's doner van.

I love that one.

Wooden (Wooden), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:23 (fourteen years ago) link

Q: Who's cooler: Lemmy or God?
A: Trick question -- LEMMY IZ GOD

Je4nne ƒury (Jeanne Fury), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:27 (fourteen years ago) link

q: where to cantaloupes and honeydew send their kids for the summer?
a: john cougar melon camp.

fact checking cuz (fcc), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:28 (fourteen years ago) link

TOM WAITS FOR NO MAN

nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:44 (fourteen years ago) link

What was that one...What do you get when you cross a pirate and a urinal? "Arrr Kelly" or something like that.

frankE (frankE), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:49 (fourteen years ago) link

JC Penney's is having a Michael Jackson sale ... little boys pants 1/2 off.

JC-L (JC-L), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:52 (fourteen years ago) link

Q: How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to change the lightbulb and another one to look bored.

daavid (daavid), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:56 (fourteen years ago) link

Q: What did Mark E. Smith say to the qualified job applicant?
A: You're totally hired!

Q: What did Mark E. Smith say after the marathon?
A: I'm totally tired!

Q: About doing his homework?
A: It's totally required!

Q: To Brix?
A: You're totally fired!

Really, anything that ends in 'ired.' Eh hem.

cookieman, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:01 (fourteen years ago) link

Derek Erdman told me those. He's a laff riot.

cookieman, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:03 (fourteen years ago) link

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is plastic and harmful to children, the other holds groceries.

My name is Kenny (My name is Kenny), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:04 (fourteen years ago) link

Q: Why couldn't Eric Clapton save his son?

A: He has a slow hand.

Gooey Lewis, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:07 (fourteen years ago) link

Q: Why is R. Kelly so good at blackjack?

A: Because he doesn't hit on anything over 16.

Joseph McCombs (Joseph McCombs), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:07 (fourteen years ago) link

Q: Whats the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

A: Neil Armstrong walked on the moon.....

....and Michael Jackson fucks kids.

djdee2005 (djdee2005), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:21 (fourteen years ago) link

That one doesn't work as well on paper.

djdee2005 (djdee2005), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:21 (fourteen years ago) link

fuck, some of these are killing me!

ken taylrr (ken taylrr), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:26 (fourteen years ago) link

My favourite music-joke punchline: That's not Bono. That's God. He just thinks he's Bono.

Bruce S. Urquhart (BanjoMania), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:27 (fourteen years ago) link

maybe bono should be replaced by someone else in that joke.

dysøn (dyson), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:38 (fourteen years ago) link

Q: What's black and white and has two eyes?

A: Sammy Davis Jr. and Sandy Duncan.

Joseph McCombs (Joseph McCombs), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:40 (fourteen years ago) link

q: why can't stevie wonder read?
a: because he's black


6335, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:44 (fourteen years ago) link

q: what's black and white and comes in little cans?

a: michael jackson

Dan Selzer (Dan Selzer), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:21 (fourteen years ago) link

God is love. Love is blind. Ray Charles is blind. Therefore, Ray Charles is God.

Rickey Wright (Rrrickey), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:22 (fourteen years ago) link

So then, Nietzsche WAS right.

Duder Supreme, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:25 (fourteen years ago) link

A 1983 British classic for you...

So anyway, at the height of his fame Adam Ant visits the set of top British soap opera Coronation Street. As luck would have it, his favourite character Stan Ogden invites to come for a drink in legendary pub the Rover's Return on set. There they proceed to sink a great many pints of fine English ale. More than a little the worse for wear, Adam Ant decides to get one more round in. But as he stands up, he suddenly grips his side and starts moaning terribly. "What is it, mate?" says his companion. Adam starts singing: "Stan, it's my liver..."

/coat

marco (marco), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:36 (fourteen years ago) link

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Colin Meeder (Mert), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:37 (fourteen years ago) link

Put it in the microwave until its bill withers!

Joseph McCombs (Joseph McCombs), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:43 (fourteen years ago) link

What goes 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0?

Karen Carpenter's dress-size.

Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:48 (fourteen years ago) link

Taxi driver dropping off the Mael brothers at an airport, struggling to get one of their suitcases out of the boot. Turns to a nearby man and says 'when this gets out, Sparks are gonna fly'.

Michael Philip Philip Philip Annoyman (Ferg), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:51 (fourteen years ago) link

Knock knock
Who's there?
Philip
Philip who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Philip
Philip who?
Philip
Philip who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Philip
Philip who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Philip
Philip who?
Philip
Philip who?
Philip
Philip who?
Philip
Philip who?
Philip Glass

udu wudu (udu wudu), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 21:14 (fourteen years ago) link

Hah, that one is great.

Speaking of people i'd like to pie in the face . . .

Hurting (Hurting), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 21:30 (fourteen years ago) link

Yeah, there's also (though it's not artist-specific)

How how many how many minimalists how many minimalists does how many minimalists does it how many minimalists does it take how many minimalists does it take to how many minimalists does it take to change how many minimalists does it take to change a how many minimalists does it take to change a lightbulb?

sundar subramanian (sundar), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 21:43 (fourteen years ago) link

Michael Philip, that joke is pure genius

roger adultery (roger adultery), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 22:25 (fourteen years ago) link

So The Who was having a problem in their hotel suite. While everyone was trying to get some sleep, the lead singer was starting to freak out, throwing furniture around and threatening the other members of the band. Slowly they came to the realization that he'd gone loco, so they jumped on him, tied him up with the bedsheets to restrain him and then took him down to the hospital for a psychiatric analysis.

"Yep," said the doctor, "he's bats, all right."

"You've got to do something!" exclaimed the other members of the band.
"Check him into the rubber room, innit?"

"I'm afraid I can't do that," said the doctor with a sad look in his eye.

"But you must!" exclaimed the band, "Otherwise we'll never get sleep again!"

"I'm afraid a higher power has forbidden it, lads." The doctor grabbed his Bible and patted it. "It says explicitly, 'Thou shalt not commit a Daltrey'."

Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 22:34 (fourteen years ago) link

I've heard this told as a true story, but I feel sure it must be apocryphal:

Bono starts doing slow handclaps at a concert, then says "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

Member of audience yells out "Well stop clapping your fucking hands then."

my father will guide me up the stairs to bed (anagram), Wednesday, 12 February 2014 16:04 (five years ago) link

I heard it was in Glasgow, but sounds like the sort of story Glaswegians are likely to claim happened in Glasgow, honest

Eats like Elvis, shits like De Niro (Tom D.), Wednesday, 12 February 2014 16:06 (five years ago) link

one year passes...

which black metal band embarrassed themselves in a social justice faux pas?

NAGLfar

Unheimlich Manouevre (dog latin), Friday, 27 February 2015 15:51 (four years ago) link

What was the goth Smurf called?

Peter Smurphy

©Oz Quiz© (Adam Bruneau), Friday, 27 February 2015 16:37 (four years ago) link

three years pass...

"the Bonzo Dog Band has actually released quite a bit of music since Vivian's death."
"oh, is it any good?"
"it's a sub-Stanshall body of work!"

the yolk sustains us, we eat whites for days (unregistered), Tuesday, 5 June 2018 13:34 (one year ago) link

dear god

imago, Tuesday, 5 June 2018 14:14 (one year ago) link

Q: Why were the Byrds great?
A: They set Bob Dylan songs to music.

This made me laugh...

i’m still stanning (morrisp), Tuesday, 5 June 2018 19:05 (one year ago) link

"The Edge you're more beast than man!"

still lolllling after all this time at this! the lack of comma after The Edge is even hilarious.

andrew m., Tuesday, 5 June 2018 19:35 (one year ago) link

yes!

Taxi driver dropping off the Mael brothers at an airport, struggling to get one of their suitcases out of the boot. Turns to a nearby man and says 'when this gets out, Sparks are gonna fly'.
― Michael Philip Philip Philip Annoyman (Ferg), Wednesday, September 29, 2004 8:51 PM (thirteen years ago)

andrew m., Tuesday, 5 June 2018 19:38 (one year ago) link

eleven months pass...

Jon Anderson from Yes bought the original claymation model of the beloved children's character Morph.

He's the Owner of a Tony Hart

frame casual (dog latin), Friday, 10 May 2019 00:14 (three months ago) link

Ok but technically Morph was made by Peter Lord and David Sproxton of Aardman Animations.

The Pingularity (ledge), Friday, 10 May 2019 08:25 (three months ago) link

Q: What do you call a pig with Wings?
A: Linda McCartney

I saw a member of the Moody Blues tell this in a documentary about Wings, as an example of the sort of sexism and misogyny Linda McCartney had to put up with when she joined Wings, nice work there, fella!

― Eats like Elvis, shits like De Niro (Tom D.), Wednesday, 12 February 2014 15:30 (five years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

saw Tom D post this on ILM as an example of etc

Terry Major-Ball Will Tell You (DJ Mencap), Friday, 10 May 2019 09:17 (three months ago) link

Steve Reich walks into a bar.
BARMAN: Why the long phase?

Stevie T, Friday, 10 May 2019 09:23 (three months ago) link

Newspaper cartoon I heard about with a guy sitting at the end of a bar looking really moody and the caption 'That's God he thinks he's Miles Davis'
Just googled it and can't find an image. I think it's mid 50s or possibly earlier so maybe that's not that surprising.

Stevolende, Friday, 10 May 2019 12:33 (three months ago) link

fgti to thread.

pomenitul, Friday, 10 May 2019 12:33 (three months ago) link

What’s the difference between a baby and an bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton wouldn’t let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window.

✖✖✖ (Moka), Friday, 10 May 2019 14:14 (three months ago) link

Terrible I know, a variation I’ve heard of a joke upthread.

✖✖✖ (Moka), Friday, 10 May 2019 14:15 (three months ago) link

I like Neil Hamburger's version of that

"Why did Eric Clapton switch from PC to Mac?"

"Because he had a bad experience with Windows!"

frogbs, Friday, 10 May 2019 14:22 (three months ago) link

This one is from The Two Ronnies, I think.

Since the break-up of Peters & Lee, Lee has gone solo and Peters has gone straight into a lamp-post.

the word dog doesn't bark (anagram), Friday, 10 May 2019 14:23 (three months ago) link

I'm a terrible person and I love every joke about Clapton's dead son

twink infinitives (flamboyant goon tie included), Friday, 10 May 2019 16:21 (three months ago) link

why weren't Michael Jackson and Eric Clapton friends?
...
...
because Michael Jackson doesn't fuck dead children

sarahell, Friday, 10 May 2019 16:49 (three months ago) link

irl lol

pomenitul, Friday, 10 May 2019 16:49 (three months ago) link

lol

fav music-related neil hamburger joke:

why did the farmer start a punk rock band?
because he was tired of HALL AND OATES!! ("haulin' oats" lmaooooo)

J. Sam, Friday, 10 May 2019 16:59 (three months ago) link

Q: Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?
A: Fo' drizzle!

― Do you mean ironic in the literary sense or the alanis morissette sense? (KMS), Thursday, 18 June 2009 14:58 (nine years ago) Permalink

This deserves more props

the article don, Friday, 10 May 2019 17:20 (three months ago) link

Newspaper cartoon I heard about with a guy sitting at the end of a bar looking really moody and the caption 'That's God he thinks he's Miles Davis'
Just googled it and can't find an image. I think it's mid 50s or possibly earlier so maybe that's not that surprising.

Don't think I've ever heard of this originating as a newspaper cartoon, but About 142 results (0.34 seconds) , several quoting So What: The Life of Miles Davis (Szwed, 2002)

blokes you can't rust (sic), Friday, 10 May 2019 19:05 (three months ago) link

What's Stevie Wonder's favourite book? A cheese grater.

How does Bob Marley like his donuts? Wi' jam in.

What's yellow and lives off dead beetles? Yoko Ono.

fetter, Saturday, 11 May 2019 07:57 (three months ago) link

fuck all three of those, wtf

Good morning, how are you, I'm (Doctor Casino), Saturday, 11 May 2019 12:03 (three months ago) link

The Marley one is good

Vinnie, Saturday, 11 May 2019 13:45 (three months ago) link

Following the tragic death of Linda McCartney, Paul gathers the kids into the kitchen to tell them the news.

Paul: “Kids, there’s good news and bad news, the bad news is your mother has passed away, the good news is... it’s steak for tea!”

my opinionation (Hamildan), Saturday, 11 May 2019 18:21 (three months ago) link

Todd Rundgren walks into a bar.
Barman says "Why the long face?"

Bloody Snail, Saturday, 11 May 2019 18:34 (three months ago) link

Just read this entire thread for some reason (ILM sure did used to be a lot more racist).

But I did find this one objectively hilarious:

Sasha: "Fancy going to the cinema tonight?"
Tong: "Dunno, who's the projectionist?"
― bg (creamolafoam)

enochroot, Sunday, 12 May 2019 18:34 (three months ago) link

Steve Reich walks into a bar.
Reich walks into a bar. Steve
walks into a bar. Steve Reich
into a bar. Steve Reich walks
a bar. Steve Reich walks into
bar. Steve Reich walks into a
Steve Reich walks into a bar.

StanM, Sunday, 12 May 2019 18:52 (three months ago) link

(probably in this thread already, too predictable)

StanM, Sunday, 12 May 2019 18:53 (three months ago) link

Why couldn't paramedics save Marvin Gaye when he was shot?

He needed sexual healing

Pontius Pilates (Ye Mad Puffin), Tuesday, 14 May 2019 14:01 (three months ago) link

Steve Reich walks into a bar.
Reich walks into a bar. Steve
walks into a bar. Steve Reich
into a bar. Steve Reich walks
a bar. Steve Reich walks into
bar. Steve Reich walks into a
Steve Reich walks into a bar.

― StanM, Sunday, May 12, 2019 1:52 PM (two days ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Steve
Steve Reich
Steve Reich walks
Steve Reich walks in
Steve Reich walks into
Steve Reich walks into a
Steve Reich walks into a bar
Steve Reich walks into a bar
Steve Reich walks into a bar
|Steve Reich walks into a bar
||Steve Reich walks into a bar
|||Steve Reich walks into a bar
||||Steve Reich walks into a bar
|||||Steve Reich walks into a bar
||||||Steve Reich walks into a bar
|||||||Steve Reich walks into a bar

longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Tuesday, 14 May 2019 14:54 (three months ago) link

why was Steve Reich carrying an umbrella?

sarahell, Tuesday, 14 May 2019 21:54 (three months ago) link

Because Noah couldn't open the door.

pomenitul, Tuesday, 14 May 2019 21:58 (three months ago) link

because he answered the iron ... lol lol lol

sarahell, Tuesday, 14 May 2019 21:59 (three months ago) link

What major world river is the best at chucking rhythm guitar?

The Nile

Pontius Pilates (Ye Mad Puffin), Wednesday, 15 May 2019 02:28 (three months ago) link


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― Elitist cheese photos (aldo), Wednesday, 1 May 2019 10:46 (two weeks ago)

Elitist cheese photos (aldo), Wednesday, 15 May 2019 10:34 (three months ago) link

sorry DL but Pete Lord made the Morphs. I do actually have an original :)

kinder, Wednesday, 15 May 2019 10:37 (three months ago) link

yes! xp - apologies for stealing your Reich idea

StanM, Wednesday, 15 May 2019 11:48 (three months ago) link

q: why can't stevie wonder read?
a: because he's black

― 6335, 29. syyskuuta 2004 22:44 Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Q: Why can't Ray Charles read?
A: Because he's dead.

Tuomas, Wednesday, 15 May 2019 11:59 (three months ago) link

I think man alive's works more for Philip Glass.

All along there is the sound of feedback (Sund4r), Wednesday, 15 May 2019 12:40 (three months ago) link

q: why can't stevie wonder read?
a: because he's black
― 6335, 29. syyskuuta 2004 22:44 Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

A kid told that to me in the sixth grade. As far as I can remember it was my first exposure to any overt racism. He laughed and laughed!

Sam Weller, Wednesday, 15 May 2019 12:49 (three months ago) link

I've often felt that "The National" and "Vampire Weekend" were decent two word jokes albeit ones without punchlines.

Le Baton Rose (Turrican), Wednesday, 15 May 2019 21:04 (three months ago) link

a joke without a punchline is... just some words, so you’re correct in that sense i guess

michael keaton IS jim thirlwell IN ‘foetaljuice’ (bizarro gazzara), Wednesday, 15 May 2019 21:06 (three months ago) link

This is honestly one of the greatest things I've seen this year.#warrenzevon #knockknock pic.twitter.com/5O5PKWJg6I

— Ali Catterall (@AliCatterall) May 17, 2019

Elitist cheese photos (aldo), Friday, 17 May 2019 16:42 (three months ago) link


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