Artist-specific music jokes

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There aren't too many, I reckon.

Q: When did Paul McCartney write Silly Love Songs?
A: His entire career.

Q: Why were the Byrds great?
A: They set Bob Dylan songs to music.

roger adultery (roger adultery), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 14:50 (nineteen years ago) link

I heard a Cliff Burton/Metallica joke once, but I can't remember it.

So make your own.

Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 14:52 (nineteen years ago) link

This one's from the 80's and needs updating but I'll tell it exactly as it appears on Marc Riley and the Creepers "Bard of Woking" which is where I heard it first.

Q: What does it take to get the Beatles back together?
A: Three bullets and a gun.

everything, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 14:58 (nineteen years ago) link

q :: what has 9 arms and sucks¿
a :: def leopard.

q :: what was the 1st thing clapton did after writing tears in heaven¿
a :: shoved his kid out the window.

dysøn (dyson), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:18 (nineteen years ago) link

That Clapton joke is great!

Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:19 (nineteen years ago) link

UPDATE YR BEATLES JOKE PLEASE...two bullets.

n/a (Nick A.), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:19 (nineteen years ago) link

celine dion walks into a bar and the bartender says, "what's with the long face"?

wordyrappington (wordyrappington), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:19 (nineteen years ago) link

how do you know it's midnight at michael jackson's house?

the big hand's on the little hand.

wordyrappington (wordyrappington), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:20 (nineteen years ago) link

q :: what was the 1st thing clapton did after writing tears in heaven¿
a :: shoved his kid out the window.

-- dysøn (dyspleasur...), September 29th, 2004.

haha, ever see that Mr. Show sketch?

latebloomer (latebloomer), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:37 (nineteen years ago) link

MOUTH FULL OF SORES.

DEEBZ (ddb), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:38 (nineteen years ago) link

Sumner: Coming down to the pub then, Ian?
Curtis: Nah, think I'll just hang around here.

the epistemology of Kylie, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:49 (nineteen years ago) link

a golden oldie :
what do you call a cow with wings?
linda mccartney.

zappi (joni), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:52 (nineteen years ago) link

haha, ever see that Mr. Show sketch?
no¡ do tell.

dysøn (dyson), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 15:52 (nineteen years ago) link

there was a sketch on Mr. Show once with an eric clapton-like character who kept capitalizing on tragedies by writing songs about them to win awards. also he has a rivalry with a brian wilson-type character which leads to some funny shit. you really just have to see the episode yourself, my telling of of it doesn't do it justice.

latebloomer (latebloomer), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 17:06 (nineteen years ago) link

ah yes, the Teardrop Awards sketch. "Take it from me, a guy who's got mouth sores, I know the value of a mouth without sooooooooores..."

Shakey Mo Collier, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 17:40 (nineteen years ago) link

Q: Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's hands?
A: Neither has he

rentboy (rentboy), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:14 (nineteen years ago) link

Q: What do vegetarian worms eat?
A: Linda McCartney.

Wooden (Wooden), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:18 (nineteen years ago) link

Q: What's Sid Vicious's real name?
A: John.

King Korn Karn, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:21 (nineteen years ago) link

Q: Where does Kylie go to buy her dinner?
A: Jason's doner van.

I love that one.

Wooden (Wooden), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:23 (nineteen years ago) link

Q: Who's cooler: Lemmy or God?
A: Trick question -- LEMMY IZ GOD

Je4nne ƒury (Jeanne Fury), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:27 (nineteen years ago) link

q: where to cantaloupes and honeydew send their kids for the summer?
a: john cougar melon camp.

fact checking cuz (fcc), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:28 (nineteen years ago) link

TOM WAITS FOR NO MAN

nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:44 (nineteen years ago) link

What was that one...What do you get when you cross a pirate and a urinal? "Arrr Kelly" or something like that.

frankE (frankE), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:49 (nineteen years ago) link

JC Penney's is having a Michael Jackson sale ... little boys pants 1/2 off.

JC-L (JC-L), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:52 (nineteen years ago) link

Q: How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to change the lightbulb and another one to look bored.

daavid (daavid), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 18:56 (nineteen years ago) link

Q: What did Mark E. Smith say to the qualified job applicant?
A: You're totally hired!

Q: What did Mark E. Smith say after the marathon?
A: I'm totally tired!

Q: About doing his homework?
A: It's totally required!

Q: To Brix?
A: You're totally fired!

Really, anything that ends in 'ired.' Eh hem.

cookieman, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:01 (nineteen years ago) link

Derek Erdman told me those. He's a laff riot.

cookieman, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:03 (nineteen years ago) link

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is plastic and harmful to children, the other holds groceries.

My name is Kenny (My name is Kenny), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:04 (nineteen years ago) link

Q: Why couldn't Eric Clapton save his son?

A: He has a slow hand.

Gooey Lewis, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:07 (nineteen years ago) link

Q: Why is R. Kelly so good at blackjack?

A: Because he doesn't hit on anything over 16.

Joseph McCombs (Joseph McCombs), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:07 (nineteen years ago) link

Q: Whats the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

A: Neil Armstrong walked on the moon.....

....and Michael Jackson fucks kids.

djdee2005 (djdee2005), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:21 (nineteen years ago) link

That one doesn't work as well on paper.

djdee2005 (djdee2005), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:21 (nineteen years ago) link

fuck, some of these are killing me!

ken taylrr (ken taylrr), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:26 (nineteen years ago) link

My favourite music-joke punchline: That's not Bono. That's God. He just thinks he's Bono.

Bruce S. Urquhart (BanjoMania), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:27 (nineteen years ago) link

maybe bono should be replaced by someone else in that joke.

dysøn (dyson), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:38 (nineteen years ago) link

Q: What's black and white and has two eyes?

A: Sammy Davis Jr. and Sandy Duncan.

Joseph McCombs (Joseph McCombs), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:40 (nineteen years ago) link

q: why can't stevie wonder read?
a: because he's black


6335, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 19:44 (nineteen years ago) link

q: what's black and white and comes in little cans?

a: michael jackson

Dan Selzer (Dan Selzer), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:21 (nineteen years ago) link

God is love. Love is blind. Ray Charles is blind. Therefore, Ray Charles is God.

Rickey Wright (Rrrickey), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:22 (nineteen years ago) link

So then, Nietzsche WAS right.

Duder Supreme, Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:25 (nineteen years ago) link

A 1983 British classic for you...

So anyway, at the height of his fame Adam Ant visits the set of top British soap opera Coronation Street. As luck would have it, his favourite character Stan Ogden invites to come for a drink in legendary pub the Rover's Return on set. There they proceed to sink a great many pints of fine English ale. More than a little the worse for wear, Adam Ant decides to get one more round in. But as he stands up, he suddenly grips his side and starts moaning terribly. "What is it, mate?" says his companion. Adam starts singing: "Stan, it's my liver..."

/coat

marco (marco), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:36 (nineteen years ago) link

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Colin Meeder (Mert), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:37 (nineteen years ago) link

Put it in the microwave until its bill withers!

Joseph McCombs (Joseph McCombs), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:43 (nineteen years ago) link

What goes 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0?

Karen Carpenter's dress-size.

Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:48 (nineteen years ago) link

Taxi driver dropping off the Mael brothers at an airport, struggling to get one of their suitcases out of the boot. Turns to a nearby man and says 'when this gets out, Sparks are gonna fly'.

Michael Philip Philip Philip Annoyman (Ferg), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 20:51 (nineteen years ago) link

Knock knock
Who's there?
Philip
Philip who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Philip
Philip who?
Philip
Philip who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Philip
Philip who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Philip
Philip who?
Philip
Philip who?
Philip
Philip who?
Philip
Philip who?
Philip Glass

udu wudu (udu wudu), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 21:14 (nineteen years ago) link

Hah, that one is great.

Speaking of people i'd like to pie in the face . . .

Hurting (Hurting), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 21:30 (nineteen years ago) link

Yeah, there's also (though it's not artist-specific)

How how many how many minimalists how many minimalists does how many minimalists does it how many minimalists does it take how many minimalists does it take to how many minimalists does it take to change how many minimalists does it take to change a how many minimalists does it take to change a lightbulb?

sundar subramanian (sundar), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 21:43 (nineteen years ago) link

Michael Philip, that joke is pure genius

roger adultery (roger adultery), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 22:25 (nineteen years ago) link

So The Who was having a problem in their hotel suite. While everyone was trying to get some sleep, the lead singer was starting to freak out, throwing furniture around and threatening the other members of the band. Slowly they came to the realization that he'd gone loco, so they jumped on him, tied him up with the bedsheets to restrain him and then took him down to the hospital for a psychiatric analysis.

"Yep," said the doctor, "he's bats, all right."

"You've got to do something!" exclaimed the other members of the band.
"Check him into the rubber room, innit?"

"I'm afraid I can't do that," said the doctor with a sad look in his eye.

"But you must!" exclaimed the band, "Otherwise we'll never get sleep again!"

"I'm afraid a higher power has forbidden it, lads." The doctor grabbed his Bible and patted it. "It says explicitly, 'Thou shalt not commit a Daltrey'."

Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Wednesday, 29 September 2004 22:34 (nineteen years ago) link

Q: What did Darth Vader say to the record store clerk who didn't have his favorite George Michael album?
A: "I find your lack of Listen Without Prejudice Vol. 1 disturbing."

― Day 1 fan (morrisp), Monday, May 22, 2023 3:24 AM (eleven hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

LOL

Do I look like I know what a jpeg is? (dog latin), Monday, 22 May 2023 13:43 (one year ago) link

That one took a LONG time to register for me, but yes, well done.

Three Rings for the Elven Bishop (Dan Peterson), Monday, 22 May 2023 14:52 (one year ago) link

Did you know the "Ghostbusters" singer loves Disintegration?

Yes, Ray's for the Cure

Vinnie, Monday, 22 May 2023 15:20 (one year ago) link

...something about a festival celebrating English folk-rock held outside Rochester NY and it's called the Fairport Fairport Convention Convention.

fetter, Monday, 22 May 2023 15:25 (one year ago) link

That Darth Vader joke is amazing

Omg I just finally got it...lols

the manwich horror (Neanderthal), Monday, 22 May 2023 16:12 (one year ago) link

Yes it is a great act of misdirection where a pretty good joke is subverted by a different reference, which causes you to reevaluate your expectation and uh zzzzz never mind, analyzing a joke kills a joke.

Nevertheless I got it despite anticipating where it was going

she works hard for the monkey (Ye Mad Puffin), Monday, 22 May 2023 17:37 (one year ago) link

I had to google the original quote bcuz never seen star wars. The darth vader in the joke has the better favourite album.

you can see me from westbury white horse, Monday, 22 May 2023 17:39 (one year ago) link

Did you know Jerry Garcia attended the National War College in Washington DC?

He even wrote a song about his time living on campus:

War Frat.

Three Rings for the Elven Bishop (Dan Peterson), Monday, 22 May 2023 17:51 (one year ago) link

I'm glad you guys enjoyed the Darth Vader joke (I was afraid it was too silly for a thread revive, ha ha...)

Day 1 fan (morrisp), Monday, 22 May 2023 18:24 (one year ago) link

three weeks pass...

when Josh Groban joined the cast of Sweeney Todd, they opted to add one of his signature numbers to the piece.

he sings "I Raise You Up"

the manwich horror (Neanderthal), Monday, 12 June 2023 16:01 (one year ago) link

Q: Why are there no Lee Ranaldo songs on Dirty?
A: He was having trouble playing out of tune.

Day 1 fan (morrisp), Saturday, 17 June 2023 02:22 (eleven months ago) link

george harrison walks into a bar
bartender says
hey
why the long and winding road?

massaman gai (front tea for two), Saturday, 17 June 2023 07:54 (eleven months ago) link

Make I Me Mine a double

Crabber B. Munson (Boring, Maryland), Saturday, 17 June 2023 15:10 (eleven months ago) link

Dark Horse walks into a bar
Bartender says
“Why the long, long, long face?”

Holly Godarkbloom (James Redd and the Blecchs), Saturday, 17 June 2023 15:12 (eleven months ago) link

Kevin Shields walks into a bar
Bartender: Why the long gap between albums?

Day 1 fan (morrisp), Saturday, 17 June 2023 16:21 (eleven months ago) link

Lars Ulrich walks into a bar and he immediately speeds up then slows down

the manwich horror (Neanderthal), Saturday, 17 June 2023 16:26 (eleven months ago) link

Bartender: Why the shit snare?

Do I look like I know what a jpeg is? (dog latin), Saturday, 17 June 2023 16:29 (eleven months ago) link

James Hatfield them walks into a bar and Lars snarls "you PROMISED, James!"

the manwich horror (Neanderthal), Saturday, 17 June 2023 16:33 (eleven months ago) link

Q: Why was Rick Rubin’s partner unimpressed with his style of lovemaking?
A: It involves him lying on a couch across the room and smoking a joint.

(You’re welcome for this very funny joke!!)

Day 1 fan (morrisp), Saturday, 17 June 2023 16:52 (eleven months ago) link

From my kids, at primary school, c. 10 yrs ago:

Q. What do you call a fat computer?
A. A Dell.

fetter, Saturday, 17 June 2023 18:42 (eleven months ago) link

(Smarmy stand-up bit):

"Folks, I'm a schmuck. I've been a schmuck my whole life. Wanna know how big a schmuck I am? Listen to 1969: Velvet Underground Live... I'm the kid in the crowd yelling back at Lou Reed – 'No, play two short sets! I gotta get home for Johnny Carson!'"

Bittern Storm Over My Hammy (morrisp), Tuesday, 20 June 2023 02:43 (eleven months ago) link

three weeks pass...

What do you call a Mike and the Mechanics tribute band made up entirely of samurai?

Silent Ronin

linoleum gallagher (Neanderthal), Monday, 17 July 2023 04:02 (ten months ago) link

two weeks pass...

Q: Why are Depeche Mode bad at Teams meetings?

A: Because they're on Mute.

lord of the rongs (anagram), Thursday, 3 August 2023 20:02 (ten months ago) link

I've heard that on his rider Dave Gahan demands his own personal cheeses.

fetter, Thursday, 3 August 2023 20:07 (ten months ago) link

why did Depeche Mode march into the offices of Delta Dental?

to get a Policy of Tooth

linoleum gallagher (Neanderthal), Thursday, 3 August 2023 20:12 (ten months ago) link

what do you call a group of prosperous post-rock lawyers?

reggie (qualmsley), Friday, 4 August 2023 02:52 (ten months ago) link

I don't know, reggie, what DO you call a group of prosperous post-rock lawyers?

m0stly clean (Slowsquatch), Friday, 4 August 2023 03:17 (ten months ago) link

McEntire, Grubbs, O’Rourke & Pajo LLP(?)

Nonhuman biologics enthusiast (morrisp), Friday, 4 August 2023 03:33 (ten months ago) link

Do Make Say Think & Waterhouse ?

m0stly clean (Slowsquatch), Friday, 4 August 2023 04:19 (ten months ago) link

Talk Talk Talk Talk Talk Talk

assert (matttkkkk), Friday, 4 August 2023 07:32 (ten months ago) link

Q: Why does Dave Gahan never watch slasher flicks?
A: He can't stand Gore.

Supposed Former ILM Lurker (WeWantMiles), Friday, 4 August 2023 10:44 (ten months ago) link

McEntire, Grubbs, O’Rourke & Pajo LLP(?)


Specialising in torts obv

Grandall Flange (wins), Friday, 4 August 2023 10:52 (ten months ago) link

^

torteoisie

reggie (qualmsley), Friday, 4 August 2023 12:01 (ten months ago) link

one month passes...

Why did Bob Marley take karate?
Because he got to have hi-yah now

3

peace, man, Thursday, 14 September 2023 23:55 (nine months ago) link

Q: Why are Depeche Mode bad at Teams meetings?

A: Because they're on Mute.

Btw, this was so great that I've thought about it from time time since it was posted...

my brain goes aahhhh (morrisp), Thursday, 14 September 2023 23:59 (nine months ago) link

Thanks, that was one of mine, although I'd probably heard it before somewhere. And now I think it would be funnier with Zoom, not Teams.

lord of the rongs (anagram), Friday, 15 September 2023 08:22 (nine months ago) link

two weeks pass...

Why did the chicken ignore side one of Aerosmith's Pump?

To get to "The Other Side"

(This also works with Pendulum's In Silico but I figure ilx is more likely to complete the punchline in their head if it's the BBfBs)

you can see me from westbury white horse, Sunday, 1 October 2023 02:25 (eight months ago) link

three months pass...

gen z mud be like that's yeet that's yeet that's yeet that's yeet

you can see me from westbury white horse, Sunday, 7 January 2024 14:17 (five months ago) link

two weeks pass...

why did the bee gees walk out of the clive anderson interview?

he was clive talkin'!

you can see me from westbury white horse, Tuesday, 23 January 2024 06:04 (four months ago) link

oh, my child

never trust a big book and a simile (Neanderthal), Tuesday, 23 January 2024 06:22 (four months ago) link

what were george michael's favourite songs first released on albums from 29 september 1997?

"cowboys" and "angels"

you can see me from westbury white horse, Thursday, 25 January 2024 18:57 (four months ago) link

A man walks the streets of a foreign country, looking for a place to eat. The owner of a restaurant sees him and calls, "hey you! come try my food!" The man shrugs and goes inside.

"Just bring me your specialty," the man says as he sits down. The owner gives a delighted look and says, "I'll bring you our TWO very best dishes."

Ten minutes later, the owner sets out two plates of food that the man can't even recognize. "This one is fried scarabs," the owner explains excitedly, "and this one is sheep testicles." The man is horrified. But the owner swells with pride in his dishes and stands there expecting the man to try them. So try them the man must. First, he picks up a scarab. It's fried, so how bad could it be? He crunches into a leg and struggles to keep it down, but ultimately swallows the horrid thing and gives a thumbs-up. The owner is very pleased and gestures to the sheep testicles. The man slowly cuts a piece, closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, then puts it in his mouth. He gags but is barely able to get it down, and afterward he turns to the owner with a put-on grin. "Both dishes are, uh, great."

"C'mon, you must have a favorite," the owner says, wagging a finger. "So which is it: the beetles or the stones?"

Vinnie, Friday, 26 January 2024 01:59 (four months ago) link

What laidback early 70s rock albums do health food specialists unwind to?

'Holland' and 'Barrett'

you can see me from westbury white horse, Friday, 26 January 2024 05:09 (four months ago) link

one month passes...

lol “What is a Communique?”

President Keyes, Monday, 4 March 2024 00:55 (three months ago) link

Yeah that guy really just had one round in the chamber, lol

Hippie Ernie (morrisp), Monday, 4 March 2024 00:59 (three months ago) link

What is a surgical assistant's favorite punk band?

Operation I.V.

peace, man, Thursday, 14 March 2024 11:08 (three months ago) link

two months pass...

Why did Anthrax hate Led Zeppelin IV?

They're Anti! They're Anti-Zoso!

peace, man, Wednesday, 15 May 2024 11:44 (one month ago) link

four weeks pass...

Now that Andre 3000 has made his debut as a flautist, he is dueting on a track with Ian Anderson.

It's called Hey Yaqualung

peace, man, Friday, 14 June 2024 22:27 (yesterday) link


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