You're in a time machine and you have to end Elton John's career in a maximum of ten ways...

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You get a big phaser gun which makes Elton John go 'Yergggghhhhaaaarghh' when aimed at his bum and he suddenly agrees to do whatever you tell him. The God of practical jokes on shitty well past it spoilt novelty cabaret acts gives you this when you discover it hidden in an old abandoned locker in the local train station. Given a time machine, a shave and a mullet you are told to make Elton John look like an asshole and sink his career in 10 easy ways. What 10 ways do you choose?

*He pulls his willy out in front of children
*He is caught sniffing cocaine out of a dead animal's bum
*He is caught trying to fornicate with the corpse of the Queen Mum
*He lights fire to his farts on stage while a bemused audience who have paid £3450 a ticket look on
*He re-records the main theme to the Lion Song as 'Can you feel my balls tighten tonight' and releases it onto the bootleg market
*He makes a porn film with LuLu called 'I'm Still Standing After all these Years'
*He releases his own brand of 'semen flavoured chewing gum' onto the mass global market
*He offers to take over Iraq after Saddam is ousted and forces the population to dress in sparkly pink clothes
*He begins a 'Gary Glitter was an innocent black man' appeal
*He starts to break the Guiness World Record for amount of wotsits that one person can insert into their bum and gives up at 143, the event is filmed live on children's telly

― Calum, Wednesday, 2 April 2003 12:52 (twenty-one years ago) link

what kind of dead animal?

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 2 April 2003 13:01 (twenty-one years ago) link

you're assuming that Rod Stewart's career was destroyed after the 'footballer' incident, so this question is a bit meaningless

― dave q, Wednesday, 2 April 2003 13:03 (twenty-one years ago) link

dave, i don't think that "standards" album did too well...

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 2 April 2003 13:04 (twenty-one years ago) link

Does Calum write for Maxim?

― SplendidMullet (iamamonkey), Wednesday, 2 April 2003 15:28 (twenty-one years ago) link

(this thread probaly won't get many responses cuz you have to THINK in order to answer...I hate these intellectual threads)

― oops (Oops), Wednesday, 2 April 2003 15:29 (twenty-one years ago) link

bleh

― Lord Custos Epsilon (Lord Custos Epsilon), Wednesday, 2 April 2003 20:43 (twenty-one years ago) link

Calum, why are you such an asshole? I'm serious. I want to know.

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Wednesday, 2 April 2003 20:54 (twenty-one years ago) link

lack of breastfeeding as a child?

― oops (Oops), Wednesday, 2 April 2003 20:57 (twenty-one years ago) link

Elton John wrote fuckin' DANIEL. YOUR SONG. FUCKIN' COME ON! He's everyone's guilty pleasure.

― Sonny Tremaine (Sonny), Wednesday, 2 April 2003 21:09 (twenty-one years ago) link

He's everyone's guilty pleasure.
Not mine.
I'm going to be contrarian and say that he only became interesting with "Nikita" and "I'm still standing"; and he hasn't been interesting since.

― Lord Custos Epsilon (Lord Custos Epsilon), Wednesday, 2 April 2003 21:16 (twenty-one years ago) link

you're forgetting Aida

― James Blount (James Blount), Wednesday, 2 April 2003 22:03 (twenty-one years ago) link

Sterling,
Why do you judge people by what they write on a chat room page? Why is your mum your dad's sister? Why do have blood on your loo roll?

Just wondering.

― Calum, Thursday, 3 April 2003 08:25 (twenty-one years ago) link

'Why do have blood on your loo roll'

I get absentminded sometimes

― abu hamza, Thursday, 3 April 2003 08:33 (twenty-one years ago) link

i like saturday night alright for fighting and lots off yellow brick rd - due to my dads appreciation of el j. i know every word from the sacrifice album - every word.

I cant understand why you would want elton to look like an asshole tho - he's harmless enough.

― james (james), Thursday, 3 April 2003 10:48 (twenty-one years ago) link

one year passes...

Did we ever conclude this?

― C-Man (C-Man), Wednesday, 28 July 2004 18:32 (nineteen years ago) link

Alright, Reg, here's the career path we've chosen (gleefully rubbing hands). You'll have to do the following:

1. Adopt a dopey psuedonym.
2. Go bald at a young age.
3. Be gay. Or Bi. Or not. Come out, kind of.
4. Get a massively-publicized hair-transplant procedure that fails to take.
5. Cocaine. And booze, too, why not.
6. Duet with Kiki Dee.
7. Work closely with in incomprehensible American lyricist. Curtail collaboration at height of fame.
8. Do a Beatles song badly, and release it as a single.
9. Release mawkish tributes to dead celebrities.
10. Tour with Billy Joel.

That oughta do it! AaaaaaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! oh... wait....

― briania (briania), Wednesday, 28 July 2004 18:53 (nineteen years ago) link

This is a really really silly thread!!!! So here's some really really silly suggestions!!!!

Instead of that Taupin chappie, get his lyrics done by... Van Dyke Parks!!!!!

Go back in time to meet that chappie that invented the work "rocket", an convince him that it should be called "pillock" instead. Thus Elton's early 70s smash becomes "Pillock Man"!!!!!

Move forward in time to 30s America, and change the name on Norma Jean's birth certificate!!!! She's going to change it to Marilyn Monroe anyway, so we could change her original name to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch Constantinople-Featherstonehaugh-Smythe-Alyiousus Jean, which would certainly muck up the first line of Elt's "Candle in the Wind"!!!!!

Kidnap Kiki Dee before she's due to record "Don't Go Breaking My Heart", and suggest Pam Ayres as a replacement!!!!

When he starts going bald in the late 70s, suggest starts wearing a long haired wig, so he looks cool, like one of those folks from Emmerson Lake and Palmer!!!!! (Make sure you do this in the week after that first NME review about the Sex Pistols!!!!!)

Surreptiously inject his legs with local anaesthetic just before the video shoot for "I'm Still Standing"!!!!!!

For the video for "Nikita", do a compilation of speeches by Nikita Kruschev!!!!!

Rewrite Avid Merrion's sketches about Elton John in "Bo Selecta!!!!" so that they're actually a searing satire on Elton, and even have one or two jokes in them!!!!!!!

So there you have it!!!! Mind you, it might make him an even bigger star than before!!!!!

― Old Fart!!! (oldfart_sd), Thursday, 29 July 2004 12:40 (nineteen years ago) link

Hmmm- funny formatting malarkey going on here!!!!!

"So there you have it..." was supposed to be on a different line!!!!

― Old Fart!!! (oldfart_sd), Thursday, 29 July 2004 12:41 (nineteen years ago) link

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