This is the post where we share terrible user reviews of albums from across the internet.

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Title says it all. No "professional" reviews here. This is strictly for pointing out and making fun of idiots who think access to air their opinions out online makes them superior to the musicians they're talking about.

I'll start off with this one, a user commenting on the Appleseed Cast's Low Level Owl, from RateYourMusic:
"An Emo Band Buys a Delay Pedal: The Album
Very much a product of it's time, and pretty much the ultimate suburban white boy record, but I can't say I hate it. Sounds like a higher budget version of the stuff my friends and I were recording at the time. (three stars)"

Because of course you and your friends could make that kind of record.

Add on!

(V) (°,,,,°) (V) (Austin), Saturday, 23 June 2018 20:05 (five months ago) Permalink

By RYM's standards that is fine

imago, Saturday, 23 June 2018 20:29 (five months ago) Permalink

Lil "Yo" - Youngsta's on a Come Up (1996)

3.5/5

Lil Yo is something as unique as a black man with a big cock. It's significantly bigger than, for example, mine. It's one of the learnings I garnered from Youngsta's On A Come Up, other lessons comprise of Yo snatching my chain and defiling my girlfriend. Only 15 years old, the gangsta voyeurism is both precocious and adorable, like an afk Quasimoto: the mischievous kid brother you always wished for but never got.

Then why am I fascinated and amazed of veiny jungle worms? Probably for the same reasons as I'm fascinated and amazed by my own - or Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart's - talent: a gigantic johnson is something you're born with, or rather: god-given with. Some get a lot, others get nothing. Consider both musicians were in their mid-teens when they composed their most expressive œuvres, then compare Yo's intricate allegro and triplets to Moz's Symphony No. 16 in C Major - now tell me they couldn't do a Freaky Friday-esque body swap throughout a requiem without anyone noticing a goddam thing?

Brotherhood can sometimes be detrimental, however - a theme which Yo has been exploring throughout his career. One example is in the song After I Fuck Your Bitch where Lil Yo is examining all our deepest fraternal relations by posing questions such as "What does it take to be family?", "Is it worth fighting for?" and "How much am I willing to compromise?":

After I fuck yo bitch then I'mma tell you bout it
If you a trick ass nigga you'll be fucked up bout it
I hope you don't start no fuckin beef bout it
Or I take her name and yo name and make a rap bout it

I think I speak for all of us when I say: if you violated my bitch it would only be an honor, Yo.

imago, Saturday, 23 June 2018 20:32 (five months ago) Permalink

i like this brutal takedown of our band that spends its first 3 paragraphs obsessing over the fact that we hit the stage.... on time. and that some people left... at the end of our set pic.twitter.com/VQAndViOVX

— speedy ortiz online presence? (@sad13) June 17, 2018

tangenttangent, Saturday, 23 June 2018 20:38 (five months ago) Permalink

Wow, that's pretty awesome. I love how clueless these people are. Imagine if the gig had run behind schedule, the way rock shows usually do.

(V) (°,,,,°) (V) (Austin), Sunday, 24 June 2018 00:38 (five months ago) Permalink

Bad college newspaper write-ups could easily command a thread – if not an entire board – for themselves.

i’m still stanning (morrisp), Sunday, 24 June 2018 00:43 (five months ago) Permalink

(I was sure guilty of a few myself!)

i’m still stanning (morrisp), Sunday, 24 June 2018 00:59 (five months ago) Permalink

And it was in fact a bad college newspaper write-up that inspired one of the longest threads on this board!
OK, is this the worst piece of music writing ever?

Though I don’t know how close either of them are to “user reviews”...

You're all losing so many points on your progress bars (Champiness), Sunday, 24 June 2018 02:02 (five months ago) Permalink

...Royal-Truxian formula of a "noisey Rolling Stones"...

^user review on RYM for a band that doesn't sound like Royal Trux or The Rolling Stones. (Quasi)

And Royal Trux wishes they had any music as memorable as The Rolling Stones.

He said captain, I said wot (FlopsyDuck), Thursday, 28 June 2018 00:56 (five months ago) Permalink

You take that back!

✖✖✖ (Moka), Thursday, 28 June 2018 01:04 (five months ago) Permalink

rmcc May 22, 2018
I like the way this one bumps along sounds decent.

brimstead, Thursday, 28 June 2018 03:51 (five months ago) Permalink

I can't decide which are worse (alternately: better): the completely clueless one-liner reviews that may as well not exist or the super try-hard, over the top word vomit such as this.

In any case, Rate Your Music is an absolute goldmine (alternately: overflowing dumpster) for both.

(V) (°,,,,°) (V) (Austin), Thursday, 28 June 2018 04:09 (five months ago) Permalink

I’m guilty of a dozen of these in RYM, there’s two particularly pretentious reviews I’ve written in there. I qas trying to blend in, don’t judge me too hard:

https://rateyourmusic.com/collection/moteldemoka/reviews/1

✖✖✖ (Moka), Thursday, 28 June 2018 05:03 (five months ago) Permalink

No way, man. You actually have a sense of humility and appreciation.

(V) (°,,,,°) (V) (Austin), Thursday, 28 June 2018 15:30 (five months ago) Permalink

i've read approximately two good reviews on rym, both of jazz albums

flamenco blorf (BradNelson), Thursday, 28 June 2018 15:37 (five months ago) Permalink

even then they were a little much

flamenco blorf (BradNelson), Thursday, 28 June 2018 15:37 (five months ago) Permalink

In turn, despite the venue’s close quarters, the concert lacked a sense of intimacy. Only a few personal anecdotes were shared from the artists’ lives or explanations given on the meanings of songs.

this line made me laugh out loud

global tetrahedron, Thursday, 28 June 2018 15:56 (five months ago) Permalink

I want a musician to just go in the complete opposite direction from what that guy wants and just start detailing every dentist visit they've ever had between songs.

(V) (°,,,,°) (V) (Austin), Thursday, 28 June 2018 16:28 (five months ago) Permalink

"intern listens to lauryn hill's mtv unplugged for the first time"

lowercase (eric), Thursday, 28 June 2018 16:31 (five months ago) Permalink

there are some good reviews on rym that are copy-pasted from elsewhere, but the ones written for it... yeah. although an ilxor wrote a v good thing on playboi carti's s/t there not too long ago (not sure if i should say who outright but if you wanna claim)

lowercase (eric), Thursday, 28 June 2018 16:35 (five months ago) Permalink

I haven't quite worked out how to pitch my RYM reviews but I only review things I'm rapturous about

imago, Thursday, 28 June 2018 16:51 (five months ago) Permalink

oh, Kindle Customerxcdfgxdfvx

i’m still stanning (morrisp), Friday, 29 June 2018 04:52 (five months ago) Permalink

"It seems strange that Bobby Hutcherson is the only artist billed on this CD cover as the most preeminent voice heard is the trumpet of Woody Shaw."

https://www.discogs.com/Bobby-Hutcherson-Live-At-Montreux/release/1829325

Fantastic.

(V) (°,,,,°) (V) (Austin), Friday, 29 June 2018 19:45 (five months ago) Permalink

every review on RYM is cack tbh

raspberry swirl (Ross), Friday, 29 June 2018 19:48 (five months ago) Permalink

Excellent.

One time while working at a record store, we were playing John Coltrane's Crescent and this stupid white trash woman lets out this huge groan and says to her male counterpart, "I gotta get outta here, I can't stand this music!"

So, I guess when it comes to jazz, some people just really don't get it.

(V) (°,,,,°) (V) (Austin), Monday, 2 July 2018 00:25 (five months ago) Permalink

Worst is when someone comes in and goes “what the hell is this your playing” then asks for Diana krall

Garden variety uncouth (Ross), Monday, 2 July 2018 01:15 (five months ago) Permalink

lol, I used to be that way to an extent (xpost). I made the leap from "I don't like long, self-indulgent classic rock guitar solos" to "isn't jazz mostly long, self-indulgent solos?" to "welp, I guess jazz isn't for me", encouraged in part by Mark Prindle's scathing Miles Davis reviews. but I got over it once I actually started listening to jazz, and I was never the type to complain about Coltrane in public places or register my disgust when a jazz collection on a jazz label featuring jazz artists turned out to be tOo JaZzY

the yolk sustains us, we eat whites for days (unregistered), Monday, 2 July 2018 01:25 (five months ago) Permalink

not in the same league as the above but i was just reading an review of "the great concert of charles mingus" which lauds the pianist as "surprisingly good". i know not everybody can be expected to know everything but i still find that to be a pretty lol-worthy appraisal of jaki byard.

Arch Bacon (rushomancy), Monday, 2 July 2018 01:43 (five months ago) Permalink

Some dummy to me on reddit in regards to Slint:

"They were also math rock, not slowcore, though they have songs that seem to split the difference."

Do you even know what you're saying? Because it sounds like you don't.

(V) (°,,,,°) (V) (Austin), Wednesday, 4 July 2018 19:27 (five months ago) Permalink

And, on today's episode of, "People who completely and wholly don't understand jazz, nor do they have any inclination of caring", this guy:

"Substandard. If the track selection could have been less predictable, the arrangements sound quite vulgar (and poor) and the inclusion of jazz legends such as Eddie Gomez and Jim Hall (who played a big role in the music development of Mr Evans) doesn't add anything to the whole thing. Unfortunately.
Notice how the mixing (with the bass player in front of the string quartet on tunes #1-3) doesn't really blend. Did they really want to emphasize the player's importance? Why like that?
Midway between a classic Stéphane Grapelli (but far behind his mastery) and the music of Jacques Loussier's Trio, with these great players much more should be expected. Very disappointing. (one star)"

https://www.discogs.com/Kronos-Quartet-Music-Of-Bill-Evans/master/268387

(V) (°,,,,°) (V) (Austin), Saturday, 7 July 2018 03:58 (five months ago) Permalink

two weeks pass...

Vast majority of this collection is NOT throwaway - let me repeat: NOT throwaway. He clearly put some serious thought into the songwriting process (apart from listening to him poop on "The Shit").

Arch Bacon (rushomancy), Monday, 23 July 2018 02:50 (four months ago) Permalink

(apart from listening to him poop on "The Shit").
(apart from listening to him poop on "The Shit").
(apart from listening to him poop on "The Shit").
(apart from listening to him poop on "The Shit").
(apart from listening to him poop on "The Shit").
(apart from listening to him poop on "The Shit").
(apart from listening to him poop on "The Shit").
(apart from listening to him poop on "The Shit").
(apart from listening to him poop on "The Shit").
(apart from listening to him poop on "The Shit").
(apart from listening to him poop on "The Shit").
(apart from listening to him poop on "The Shit").

fuck the NRA (Neanderthal), Monday, 23 July 2018 03:15 (four months ago) Permalink

four weeks pass...

do rym comments count as "user reviews"? cuz

The reaction is similar to other experimental pop stuff like Selena Gomez's "Bad Liar", which RYM/music nerds liked and hailed as her best song but the pop sphere and Selena fans hated and it flopped and was on a lot of "worst hits of 2017" lists. Justin Timberlake's "SexyBack" is simlar; even though the RYM rating is low, the comment box is very positive but most pop reviewers on youtube hate it, similarly i've seen a lot of them hating on Britney Spears' Blackout singles but RYM likes that album. So this falls under the experimental/off-kilter pop category where pleb muggles don't understand it but a lot of more experienced and music nerds like it. Personally i wasn't into this album but a lot of that came from the non-Pharrell songs.

ilxor-com-dog-meat-drawer-7-840-x-600.jpg (unregistered), Monday, 20 August 2018 18:53 (three months ago) Permalink

I thought "Bad Liar" was great, but then I'm a super-advanced redpilled visionary listener of pop music

stan in the place where you work (morrisp), Monday, 20 August 2018 19:39 (three months ago) Permalink

(what's being discussed there, btw? seems too fresh for Google to have indexed)

stan in the place where you work (morrisp), Monday, 20 August 2018 19:40 (three months ago) Permalink

a handful of rymers seem to think you need a PhD in musicology to appreciate the Pharrell tracks on Sweetener

it's from the comment box in the sidebar, where they're also earnestly anticipating Fantano's take on the album

ilxor-com-dog-meat-drawer-7-840-x-600.jpg (unregistered), Monday, 20 August 2018 19:56 (three months ago) Permalink

I've never actually looked at RYM before... so average joes and janes write "professional style" reviews of albums? lol

stan in the place where you work (morrisp), Monday, 20 August 2018 20:03 (three months ago) Permalink

"For some bizzare reason music nonces on here seem to think it's good, probably because they like being contrarian. Anyways, it's bad."

stan in the place where you work (morrisp), Monday, 20 August 2018 20:08 (three months ago) Permalink

"Grande's fanbase of primarily 12-18 year old females can not relate to the lavish lifestyle displayed in this track. It's really hard for any middle class citizens to understand what she's going through here"

stan in the place where you work (morrisp), Monday, 20 August 2018 20:10 (three months ago) Permalink

The review by "Volgan" (bottom of pg. 1) is well done (and this is true -> "This record is easily the most Ari has spent in the lower registry of her voice""

stan in the place where you work (morrisp), Monday, 20 August 2018 20:12 (three months ago) Permalink

"Grande's fanbase of primarily 12-18 year old females can not relate to the lavish lifestyle displayed in this track. It's really hard for any middle class citizens to understand what she's going through here"

lol, for the sake of my sanity I'm just going to assume this is satire

ilxor-com-dog-meat-drawer-7-840-x-600.jpg (unregistered), Monday, 20 August 2018 20:34 (three months ago) Permalink

ah, come on, how far are we away from making fun of kids for being kids?

Arch Bacon (rushomancy), Monday, 20 August 2018 23:40 (three months ago) Permalink

These are kids writing?

stan in the place where you work (morrisp), Monday, 20 August 2018 23:54 (three months ago) Permalink

(V) (°,,,,°) (V) (Austin)
Posted: June 23, 2018 at 1:05:31 PM
Title says it all. No "professional" reviews here. This is strictly for pointing out and making fun of idiots who think access to air their opinions out online makes them superior to the musicians they're talking about.


https://www.ilxor.com/ILX/NewAnswersControllerServlet?boardid=41

F# A# (∞), Tuesday, 21 August 2018 00:05 (three months ago) Permalink

^well now you're just making fun of old people for being old

ilxor-com-dog-meat-drawer-7-840-x-600.jpg (unregistered), Tuesday, 21 August 2018 00:10 (three months ago) Permalink

These are kids writing?

― stan in the place where you work (morrisp)

i don't mean like eight year olds. i mean callow youth. average age over there is way lower than average age here.

Arch Bacon (rushomancy), Tuesday, 21 August 2018 00:11 (three months ago) Permalink

I reserve the right to make fun of anyone of legal drinking age.

stan in the place where you work (morrisp), Tuesday, 21 August 2018 00:38 (three months ago) Permalink

There's some very decent reviews on RYM, but the site is not particularly good at featuring them. Not saying that it's not easy to find stupid opinions, for that you just need to go to popular albums.
The writing and structure may be better in a publication, but for me a music critic is also an opinionated / dedicated amateur. In the end, they're more similar than dissimilar (and not isolated from each other obviously), and both share the problem of tropes, of talking too much about oneself, etc.

Nabozo, Tuesday, 21 August 2018 09:05 (three months ago) Permalink

It's not what I use RYM for in the slightest, but I do find it kind of sweet that it hosts 1,500 personal essays on What OK Computer Means To Me. If this tends to obscure its utility as a resource for lesser-known records, well, I'm not sure that's what most people are interested in. (Hell, I don't even rate records there anymore, so clearly I'm Doing It Wrong.)

Arch Bacon (rushomancy), Tuesday, 21 August 2018 09:42 (three months ago) Permalink

I like finding RYM users who are on some quest to review every hip hop album ever or some other insane task

President Keyes, Tuesday, 21 August 2018 13:48 (three months ago) Permalink

I like finding RYM users who are on some quest to review every hip hop album ever or some other insane task

― President Keyes

yeah! there's this one user who's trying to review the top rated album of every single genre indexed on rym. man, so much good stuff in there. last weekend i got on a big southern soul kick and started reading all the reviews of a guy who's utterly obsessed with southern soul. i'm not as batty over annette snell as he is, but enthusiasm is still infectious!

Arch Bacon (rushomancy), Wednesday, 22 August 2018 02:01 (three months ago) Permalink

two weeks pass...

The rain, the park and other things is one of the best singles ever recorded and released. that recording is not on this album

milkshake duck george bernard shaw (rushomancy), Saturday, 8 September 2018 14:42 (three months ago) Permalink

Since I just saw this
"It's good but theres not much variation between the songs much of the sound is pretty much the same, however i think that if you live in Mali and understand the lyrics you may have something to go by."
Or any variation of this "language barrier" prejudice lazily given by a random stupid monolingual american who still wanted to hear stuff from the "foreign" category (also see: "foreign cinema"). You see variations of this for every Brazilian album ever (especially).

Nabozo, Saturday, 8 September 2018 16:58 (three months ago) Permalink

is there really something wrong with a person (a) taking a stab at appreciating music from another culture, and/or (b) concluding that not being able to understand the lyrics may be an impediment to their enjoyment?

stan in the place where you work (morrisp), Saturday, 8 September 2018 17:11 (three months ago) Permalink

lazy, stupid Americans, buying music in languages they don’t speak; why aren’t they more provincial?

stan in the place where you work (morrisp), Saturday, 8 September 2018 17:25 (three months ago) Permalink

not really but writing a whole review to do nothing more than proclaim one's ignorance is perhaps not necessary?

milkshake duck george bernard shaw (rushomancy), Saturday, 8 September 2018 17:35 (three months ago) Permalink

I haven’t read the whole review, but I see nothing wrong with that fragment above.

stan in the place where you work (morrisp), Saturday, 8 September 2018 17:41 (three months ago) Permalink

that is the whole review

milkshake duck george bernard shaw (rushomancy), Saturday, 8 September 2018 17:47 (three months ago) Permalink

LOL

stan in the place where you work (morrisp), Saturday, 8 September 2018 17:51 (three months ago) Permalink

If the new standard of a “terrible user review” is a person venturing an opinion on something they may not be the most super qualified to review, then we should lock this thread (or link to the entire Internet)

stan in the place where you work (morrisp), Saturday, 8 September 2018 17:52 (three months ago) Permalink

can we split the difference and lock the internet? :)

milkshake duck george bernard shaw (rushomancy), Saturday, 8 September 2018 17:54 (three months ago) Permalink

i'm not sure if "terrible" is the word for this but this gentleman has a distinctive voice and strong opinions.

https://rateyourmusic.com/collection/STEPHANSONGWRITERPRO/reviews

an example:

"A PERFECT 5

TRAVELLING BOY OF WILLIAMS AND NICHOLS IS A GREAT SURPRISE AND THE JIMMY WEBB OFFERINGS ARENT BAD EITHER SAD GARFUNKEL NVER WAS ABLE TO MAKE ANOTHER CRYSTAL CLEAR ALBUM WITH PEERLESS ORCHESTRATIONS"

(note: user rated this album four stars)

milkshake duck george bernard shaw (rushomancy), Saturday, 15 September 2018 21:03 (two months ago) Permalink

I had to screencap this one, out of sheer confusion:
https://i.imgur.com/KWS2RaY.png

From the Discogs page for Miles Davis' The Man With the Horn.

Totally different head. Totally. (Austin), Tuesday, 18 September 2018 19:59 (two months ago) Permalink

?
Just a quote from the AMG review i think

President Keyes, Tuesday, 18 September 2018 20:04 (two months ago) Permalink

Right, but why is some random user copying and pasting this to Discogs?

I'm so confused.

Also, I hate Scott Yanow.

Totally different head. Totally. (Austin), Tuesday, 18 September 2018 20:48 (two months ago) Permalink

Because they're selling it? Sellers do the same thing on eBay...

stan in the place where you work (morrisp), Tuesday, 18 September 2018 20:56 (two months ago) Permalink

But he posted it under the reviews portion?

Totally different head. Totally. (Austin), Tuesday, 18 September 2018 20:57 (two months ago) Permalink

Ah. I dunno then

stan in the place where you work (morrisp), Tuesday, 18 September 2018 20:58 (two months ago) Permalink

one month passes...

It kinda saddens me that, at the time of the writing of this review, the average rating for this RYM-wide is over 3.5 stars.

It's not that it's musically bad. The backing tracks (which I doubt the younger Miss Knowles had any involvement in writing, but that's neither here nor there) are actually rather enjoyable, groovy neo-soul-pop kinda things which are a nice fit for Solange's mostly competent voice (and yes, she does sound similiar to her better known sister, from what I recall of the latter).

So, oddly enough, there was an off chance that I could have ended up enjoying a mainstream pop album, which is a pretty rare occurrence. Unfortunately, I find myself of insufficient fortitude to stomach Solange's bland, recycled, stereotypical vocal lines, and her fucking atrociously imbecilic excuse for lyrics. So it saddens me, in all honesty, that the listening public at large is low enough in either their standards or their intelligence quotient (or a combination) to swallow this drivel and say, "Mm! What a good cook!"

ghood ghravie (unregistered), Friday, 9 November 2018 15:42 (one month ago) Permalink

I know that was written by a white man.

Don't know ask me how. I just know.

Totally different head. Totally. (Austin), Friday, 9 November 2018 21:35 (one month ago) Permalink

Makes me wish I could smack a dude through the Internet.

too busy or too stoned (morrisp), Friday, 9 November 2018 21:40 (one month ago) Permalink

He's already sad

President Keyes, Friday, 9 November 2018 21:53 (one month ago) Permalink

I thought that said, "He's already dead" which, admittedly, made me chuckle.

I am horrible.

Totally different head. Totally. (Austin), Tuesday, 13 November 2018 17:32 (three weeks ago) Permalink

reading Solange reviews on RYM now, please stop me someone

Much like Kendrick Lamar's To Pimp a Butterfly, it's clear that Solange is first and foremost concerned with reaching a black audience in order to celebrate, commiserate about, and give voice to a shared experience. However, Solange is less successful than Kendrick in effectively communicating these feelings to non-black listeners (for better or for worse, her primary market) due to a combination of an "It's not my job to educate you" attitude and a failure to master the timeless principle of "show, don't tell".

mfktz (Camaraderie at Arms Length), Tuesday, 13 November 2018 17:47 (three weeks ago) Permalink

The soft-spoken and tender Neo-Soul of A Seat at the Table is a cringeworthy tribute to the safest aspects of black music. The soft-spoken and tender Neo-Soul of A Seat at the Table is a cringeworthy tribute to the safest aspects of black music. The soft-spoken and tender Neo-Soul of A Seat at the Table is a cringeworthy tribute to the safest aspects of black music. The soft-spoken and tender Neo-Soul of A Seat at the Table is a cringeworthy tribute to the safest aspects of black music. The soft-spoken and tender Neo-Soul of A Seat at the Table is a cringeworthy tribute to the safest aspects of black music. The soft-spoken and tender Neo-Soul of A Seat at the Table is a cringeworthy tribute to the safest aspects of black music. The soft-spoken and tender Neo-Soul of A Seat at the Table is a cringeworthy tribute to the safest aspects of black music. The soft-spoken and tender Neo-Soul of A Seat at the Table is a cringeworthy tribute to the safest aspects of black music.

ghood ghravie (unregistered), Tuesday, 13 November 2018 18:12 (three weeks ago) Permalink

I considered digging into some Lemonade reviews, but my masochism can only take me so far

ghood ghravie (unregistered), Tuesday, 13 November 2018 18:15 (three weeks ago) Permalink


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