This is the post where we share terrible user reviews of albums from across the internet.

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Title says it all. No "professional" reviews here. This is strictly for pointing out and making fun of idiots who think access to air their opinions out online makes them superior to the musicians they're talking about.

I'll start off with this one, a user commenting on the Appleseed Cast's Low Level Owl, from RateYourMusic:
"An Emo Band Buys a Delay Pedal: The Album
Very much a product of it's time, and pretty much the ultimate suburban white boy record, but I can't say I hate it. Sounds like a higher budget version of the stuff my friends and I were recording at the time. (three stars)"

Because of course you and your friends could make that kind of record.

Add on!

(V) (°,,,,°) (V) (Austin), Saturday, 23 June 2018 20:05 (three weeks ago) Permalink

By RYM's standards that is fine

imago, Saturday, 23 June 2018 20:29 (three weeks ago) Permalink

Lil "Yo" - Youngsta's on a Come Up (1996)

3.5/5

Lil Yo is something as unique as a black man with a big cock. It's significantly bigger than, for example, mine. It's one of the learnings I garnered from Youngsta's On A Come Up, other lessons comprise of Yo snatching my chain and defiling my girlfriend. Only 15 years old, the gangsta voyeurism is both precocious and adorable, like an afk Quasimoto: the mischievous kid brother you always wished for but never got.

Then why am I fascinated and amazed of veiny jungle worms? Probably for the same reasons as I'm fascinated and amazed by my own - or Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart's - talent: a gigantic johnson is something you're born with, or rather: god-given with. Some get a lot, others get nothing. Consider both musicians were in their mid-teens when they composed their most expressive œuvres, then compare Yo's intricate allegro and triplets to Moz's Symphony No. 16 in C Major - now tell me they couldn't do a Freaky Friday-esque body swap throughout a requiem without anyone noticing a goddam thing?

Brotherhood can sometimes be detrimental, however - a theme which Yo has been exploring throughout his career. One example is in the song After I Fuck Your Bitch where Lil Yo is examining all our deepest fraternal relations by posing questions such as "What does it take to be family?", "Is it worth fighting for?" and "How much am I willing to compromise?":

After I fuck yo bitch then I'mma tell you bout it
If you a trick ass nigga you'll be fucked up bout it
I hope you don't start no fuckin beef bout it
Or I take her name and yo name and make a rap bout it

I think I speak for all of us when I say: if you violated my bitch it would only be an honor, Yo.

imago, Saturday, 23 June 2018 20:32 (three weeks ago) Permalink

i like this brutal takedown of our band that spends its first 3 paragraphs obsessing over the fact that we hit the stage.... on time. and that some people left... at the end of our set pic.twitter.com/VQAndViOVX

— speedy ortiz online presence? (@sad13) June 17, 2018

tangenttangent, Saturday, 23 June 2018 20:38 (three weeks ago) Permalink

Wow, that's pretty awesome. I love how clueless these people are. Imagine if the gig had run behind schedule, the way rock shows usually do.

(V) (°,,,,°) (V) (Austin), Sunday, 24 June 2018 00:38 (three weeks ago) Permalink

Bad college newspaper write-ups could easily command a thread – if not an entire board – for themselves.

i’m still stanning (morrisp), Sunday, 24 June 2018 00:43 (three weeks ago) Permalink

(I was sure guilty of a few myself!)

i’m still stanning (morrisp), Sunday, 24 June 2018 00:59 (three weeks ago) Permalink

And it was in fact a bad college newspaper write-up that inspired one of the longest threads on this board!
OK, is this the worst piece of music writing ever?

Though I don’t know how close either of them are to “user reviews”...

You're all losing so many points on your progress bars (Champiness), Sunday, 24 June 2018 02:02 (three weeks ago) Permalink

...Royal-Truxian formula of a "noisey Rolling Stones"...

^user review on RYM for a band that doesn't sound like Royal Trux or The Rolling Stones. (Quasi)

And Royal Trux wishes they had any music as memorable as The Rolling Stones.

He said captain, I said wot (FlopsyDuck), Thursday, 28 June 2018 00:56 (two weeks ago) Permalink

You take that back!

✖✖✖ (Moka), Thursday, 28 June 2018 01:04 (two weeks ago) Permalink

rmcc May 22, 2018
I like the way this one bumps along sounds decent.

brimstead, Thursday, 28 June 2018 03:51 (two weeks ago) Permalink

I can't decide which are worse (alternately: better): the completely clueless one-liner reviews that may as well not exist or the super try-hard, over the top word vomit such as this.

In any case, Rate Your Music is an absolute goldmine (alternately: overflowing dumpster) for both.

(V) (°,,,,°) (V) (Austin), Thursday, 28 June 2018 04:09 (two weeks ago) Permalink

I’m guilty of a dozen of these in RYM, there’s two particularly pretentious reviews I’ve written in there. I qas trying to blend in, don’t judge me too hard:

https://rateyourmusic.com/collection/moteldemoka/reviews/1

✖✖✖ (Moka), Thursday, 28 June 2018 05:03 (two weeks ago) Permalink

No way, man. You actually have a sense of humility and appreciation.

(V) (°,,,,°) (V) (Austin), Thursday, 28 June 2018 15:30 (two weeks ago) Permalink

i've read approximately two good reviews on rym, both of jazz albums

flamenco blorf (BradNelson), Thursday, 28 June 2018 15:37 (two weeks ago) Permalink

even then they were a little much

flamenco blorf (BradNelson), Thursday, 28 June 2018 15:37 (two weeks ago) Permalink

In turn, despite the venue’s close quarters, the concert lacked a sense of intimacy. Only a few personal anecdotes were shared from the artists’ lives or explanations given on the meanings of songs.

this line made me laugh out loud

global tetrahedron, Thursday, 28 June 2018 15:56 (two weeks ago) Permalink

I want a musician to just go in the complete opposite direction from what that guy wants and just start detailing every dentist visit they've ever had between songs.

(V) (°,,,,°) (V) (Austin), Thursday, 28 June 2018 16:28 (two weeks ago) Permalink

"intern listens to lauryn hill's mtv unplugged for the first time"

lowercase (eric), Thursday, 28 June 2018 16:31 (two weeks ago) Permalink

there are some good reviews on rym that are copy-pasted from elsewhere, but the ones written for it... yeah. although an ilxor wrote a v good thing on playboi carti's s/t there not too long ago (not sure if i should say who outright but if you wanna claim)

lowercase (eric), Thursday, 28 June 2018 16:35 (two weeks ago) Permalink

I haven't quite worked out how to pitch my RYM reviews but I only review things I'm rapturous about

imago, Thursday, 28 June 2018 16:51 (two weeks ago) Permalink

oh, Kindle Customerxcdfgxdfvx

i’m still stanning (morrisp), Friday, 29 June 2018 04:52 (two weeks ago) Permalink

"It seems strange that Bobby Hutcherson is the only artist billed on this CD cover as the most preeminent voice heard is the trumpet of Woody Shaw."

https://www.discogs.com/Bobby-Hutcherson-Live-At-Montreux/release/1829325

Fantastic.

(V) (°,,,,°) (V) (Austin), Friday, 29 June 2018 19:45 (two weeks ago) Permalink

every review on RYM is cack tbh

raspberry swirl (Ross), Friday, 29 June 2018 19:48 (two weeks ago) Permalink

Excellent.

One time while working at a record store, we were playing John Coltrane's Crescent and this stupid white trash woman lets out this huge groan and says to her male counterpart, "I gotta get outta here, I can't stand this music!"

So, I guess when it comes to jazz, some people just really don't get it.

(V) (°,,,,°) (V) (Austin), Monday, 2 July 2018 00:25 (two weeks ago) Permalink

Worst is when someone comes in and goes “what the hell is this your playing” then asks for Diana krall

Garden variety uncouth (Ross), Monday, 2 July 2018 01:15 (two weeks ago) Permalink

lol, I used to be that way to an extent (xpost). I made the leap from "I don't like long, self-indulgent classic rock guitar solos" to "isn't jazz mostly long, self-indulgent solos?" to "welp, I guess jazz isn't for me", encouraged in part by Mark Prindle's scathing Miles Davis reviews. but I got over it once I actually started listening to jazz, and I was never the type to complain about Coltrane in public places or register my disgust when a jazz collection on a jazz label featuring jazz artists turned out to be tOo JaZzY

the yolk sustains us, we eat whites for days (unregistered), Monday, 2 July 2018 01:25 (two weeks ago) Permalink

not in the same league as the above but i was just reading an review of "the great concert of charles mingus" which lauds the pianist as "surprisingly good". i know not everybody can be expected to know everything but i still find that to be a pretty lol-worthy appraisal of jaki byard.

Arch Bacon (rushomancy), Monday, 2 July 2018 01:43 (two weeks ago) Permalink

Some dummy to me on reddit in regards to Slint:

"They were also math rock, not slowcore, though they have songs that seem to split the difference."

Do you even know what you're saying? Because it sounds like you don't.

(V) (°,,,,°) (V) (Austin), Wednesday, 4 July 2018 19:27 (one week ago) Permalink

And, on today's episode of, "People who completely and wholly don't understand jazz, nor do they have any inclination of caring", this guy:

"Substandard. If the track selection could have been less predictable, the arrangements sound quite vulgar (and poor) and the inclusion of jazz legends such as Eddie Gomez and Jim Hall (who played a big role in the music development of Mr Evans) doesn't add anything to the whole thing. Unfortunately.
Notice how the mixing (with the bass player in front of the string quartet on tunes #1-3) doesn't really blend. Did they really want to emphasize the player's importance? Why like that?
Midway between a classic Stéphane Grapelli (but far behind his mastery) and the music of Jacques Loussier's Trio, with these great players much more should be expected. Very disappointing. (one star)"

https://www.discogs.com/Kronos-Quartet-Music-Of-Bill-Evans/master/268387

(V) (°,,,,°) (V) (Austin), Saturday, 7 July 2018 03:58 (one week ago) Permalink


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