Songs where the singer/protagonist comes off as a serious dick without meaning to

In the thread called Word(s) that only ever appeared in one (hit) song, ever, Doctor Casino wrote, "'Arizona' has several times made me want to start a thread about songs where the singer/protagonist comes off as a serious dick without meaning to."

Perhaps this could be that thread.

As it happens, there was once an epic thread called "In Which Doctor Casino Listens to Classic Rock Classics for the First Time." Perhaps you're familiar with it.

In Which Doctor Casino Listens to Classic Rock Classics for the First Time

User intheblanks had written, "There's the contempt for women in songs like 'You Got Lucky' and 'Breakdown.'" Then, user campreverb wrote: "Contempt? I hear a lot of self-doubt in lines like this: Girl, if you can do better than me/Go, yea go, but remember Good love is hard to find."

My further thought involved a subset of this: a dude informing a woman that he, the singer/protagonist, is the solution to her romantic problems, and she should therefore be rilly rilly grateful that he exists. Because otherwise she would be a withered cronelike old maid.

"Let My Love Open the Door" ("you're so lucky I'm around")
James Taylor, "I'm Your Handyman"
Little Feat, "One Clear Moment"
Don Henley, "Last Worthless Evening"

There should be, and probably is, a whole counter-genre of women answering, "No thanks, Tom/James/Don/Pete, I'll actually be fine."

"without meaning to" kinda hard to navigate imo

anyway

The Beach Boys "Hey Little Tomboy"

As for "without meaning to," there are plenty of songs in which someone is obviously trying to be, or is, really a dick. This is for the ones who appear to think they're being well-meaning sensitive new age guys.

"Wild World" probably gets extra credit in this category.

"Rude"

^^^

'My Sharona', The Knack

Glenn Frey's entire career to thread

the protagonist in 'there she goes again' by marshall crenshaw comes across as super passive aggressive, idk if it's intentional though

Don Henley, yeah, is the master of this.

Daryl Hall too. Most of their classic singles are about a guy out for kicks who resents when the woman insists on more more more.

Anyone who sings 'Always On My Mind'.

I think Neil Tennant pulls it off without sounding like a dick.

My mom and stepdad danced to "You Were Always on My Mind" at their wedding reception and when I asked why on earth they would do that, they said it was because they hadn't thought to pick a song before then and didn't think very hard about the lyrics beyond the chorus. They're still married 31 years later so no harm no foul.

Yeah, I guess the Pet Shop Boys' version is the "least dickish" version, but god, that song... "hey, maybe I was a dick to you, but if it's any consolation, you were always on my mind"... jesus.

The Monkees - "I Wanna Be Free". Davy Jones sounds like an insincere douche on a number of Monkees songs, but this one take the douchecake.

I get this vibe from Paul Weller's 'I Should Have Been There To Inspire You' for some reason.

Jack Jones - "Wives and Lovers" to thread.

city and colour - "girl"

part emotional blackmail, part justification for being less than an equal partner in a relationship

'Norwegian Wood', The Beatles. Narrator tries not to come off as a serious dick while describing a situation in which he was at least a moderate dick, still manages to come off as a serious dick.

'(It Looks Like) I'll Never Fall In Love Again', Tom Jones. Singer has split with someone after they cheated on him, but goes about recounting it in such a melodramatically self serving narcissistic way that the audience suspects that they're not hearing the whole story, and that the singer is, in fact, a serious dick.

'Sunny Afternoon', The Kinks. Rich shitbag asks you to feel sorry for him, thereby coming off as a serious dick.

Woman is the Nigger of the World.

lots of John Lennon songs fit the bill here tbh

I wonder if you can, Charlie.

haha yeah, that one is particularly sanctimonious.

Jealous Guy is an interesting one. he's acknowledging that he's been a serious dick, without realising that new levels of serious dickery are expressed within the framework of his apology/ justification.

Jealous Guy... Oh man couldn't the defeners pick a better video to comment in? I'd be wary of people who don't see the passive aggressiveness there... though I can't say I'm any better for loving Lightfoot's I'm not Sayin' because I emphasize with him 'fessing up to being a dick.

Oh how could I forget... The Mountain Goats - Going to Georgia. Though to give credit where it's due he's stopped playing it live despite being one of his most popular songs.

("The Stalker's Anthem")

Neil Young's Down By The River.
Wherein Neil bewails being alone because he's killed his baby. Trying to think if its actually adressed to her too.

the entire first big pink album, though maybe it was intentional i dunno

Peter Sarstedt - Where Do You Go To My Lovely. The pathetic whine of someone who resents that the subject of the song made something of their life while he didn't. The attempt at caustic truth-telling comes across as nothing more than burning jealousy. I hate that fucking song.

for a laugh, ah ha-ha-ha

"Every Breath You Take", if "dick" can also be used for a creepy stalker.

'Rio', Duran Duran

"Let My Love Open the Door" ("you're so lucky I'm around")

Although Townshend is a devotee to the religious guru Meher Baba, he claimed in the liner notes of his Anthology CD that "Jesus sings" on the track.[3]

Yeah, I guess the Pet Shop Boys' version is the "least dickish" version, but god, that song... "hey, maybe I was a dick to you, but if it's any consolation, you were always on my mind"... jesus.

― You’re being too simplistic and you’re insulting my poor heart (Turrican),

The keys are the melodies and Tennant's voice. To me he does sound like he cares about the guy on the "Tellllll meeeeee/tell me that your sweet love hasn't died." otoh the "Maybe IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII didn't love you" as the song fades is cold!

Townshend uses pop song romantic love as a proxy for spiritual love a lot, but this just made me realize that a lot of songs about "spiritual love" make the singer sound like a serious dick.

Might be why gospel is best delivered in harmony

xp see Prince's 'I Would Die 4 U'

a lot of songs about "spiritual love" make the singer sound like a serious dick.

many songs about spiritual love are about the singer's dick.

I always heard "Always on My Mind" as expressing regret for being a dick.

which version? Willie Nelson's def.

I don't think "Every Breath You Take" counts, Tuomas.

The lyrics are the words of a sinister, controlling character, who is watching "every breath you take; every move you make". Essentially, it is a song about stalking.

I woke up in the middle of the night with that line in my head, sat down at the piano and had written it in half an hour. The tune itself is generic, an aggregate of hundreds of others, but the words are interesting. It sounds like a comforting love song. I didn't realize at the time how sinister it is. I think I was thinking of Big Brother, surveillance and control.

—Sting[7]

Sting later said he was disconcerted by how many people think the song is more positive than it is. He insists it's about the obsession with a lost lover, and the jealousy and surveillance that follow. "One couple told me 'Oh we love that song; it was the main song played at our wedding!' I thought, 'Well, good luck.'"[8] When asked why he appears angry in the music video Sting told BBC Radio 2, "I think the song is very, very sinister and ugly and people have actually misinterpreted it as being a gentle little love song, when it's quite the opposite."[9]

Don't think Neil Young's "Down By The River" counts either.

How about God Only Knows?

Jealous Guy is an interesting one. he's acknowledging that he's been a serious dick, without realising that new levels of serious dickery are expressed within the framework of his apology/ justification.

totally. see also the spoken-word part in "Confessions Part II":

This by far is the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do
To tell you, the woman I love
That I'm having a baby by a woman that I barely even know
I hope you can accept the fact that I'm man enough to tell you this
And hopefully you'll give me another chance

^^ sheesh, that's awful.

re: God Only Knows: never found the speaker all that off-putting personally. naive, yes. melodramatic, check. selfish even, if i'm stretched. but mostly i just find it to be inspirited with the elation of young love.

I don't think "Every Breath You Take" counts, Tuomas.

Not Tuomas but I'm not totally clear on what the thread is asking for. In this case, the songwriter intended for the song to be from the perspective of a serious dick; I'm not sure that the protagonist himself realizes this, though.

I disagree with "God Only Knows" but surely "Caroline No" fits. Especially when hearing about the reaction his girlfriend had to it.

lol I did the exact same thing Le Bateau Ivre did 5 years ago, searching for and marveling at the lack of Weezer

Rod Stewart's 2018 opioid crisis cash-in 'Didn't I' deserves some kind of award for pulling this stunt. it seems like he's trying to set a tone of tough love wrt to a father's inability to steer his child away from self-destructive choices, but he comes across as if he's waiting for her to wake up from her coma so that he can be certain his taunting and guilt tripping are actually getting through to her

There are times to remember
And times that I wish to forget
Our time together was tinged with love and regret
Oh, my girl
My sweet, sweet little girl

Didn't I try to tell ya that life was for living?
Oh, didn't I?
And wasn't I the guy who said 'stay away from that tribe'?
Oh, wasn't I?

Is this anti-semitism?

And didn't I try to tell you 'that's stuffs gonna kill ya'?
Oh, didn't I?
But you thought it was cool and I was just an old fool
Oh, look at ya

You left home for the city with Hollywood stars in your eyes
Now your mother, God bless her, cries herself to sleep every night
Oh my girl, my sweet innocent girl

Didn't I search the streets for the beggars, pimps and cheats?
Oh, didn't I?

"goddamnit, Fiona, I took cocaine up the ass in 1978, so I'm pretty sure I know a thing or two about drug culture"

And didn't I try to guide you to a baptism of fire?

"baptism by fire" = abusive parenting style

And didn't I try to warn ya 'bout that folk in California?
Oh, didn't I?
But you said 'daddy, please don't worry, I got friends out there who love me'
Now look at ya

can't stand the way he repeats her words back to her in a mocking tone as if he's a 7-year-old playground bully

(Bridge: Bridget Cady)
Oh baby, come back home, we can work this out
There is no blame
I wanna hold you close and stroke your hair and share your pain

at this point mommy swoops in to do a little damage control. "there is no blame" despite the fact that daddy has already blamed his daughter, her friends, and an entire state for her predicament

Didn't I do the best for you, try to make you stay in school?
Didn't I?
Once I was your hero but I went from ten to zero
Oh, didn't I?

accurate summation of Rod's career trajectory

Now listen
For a roll on the dice you nearly paid the ultimate price
Oh, didn't ya?
Now I stand by your bedside, watching you fight for you life

Where's the innocence? (Where's the innocence?)
Where's the future? (Where is the future?)
Where the beauty? (Ooo)
Where's the promise? (Where is the promise?)

bleah

Where's the innocence? (Where's the innocence?)
Where's the future? (Where is the future?)
Where the beauty? (Ooo)
Where's the promise? (Where is the promise?) Where's the innocence? (Where's the innocence?)
Where's the future? (Where is the future?)
Where the beauty? (Ooo)
Where's the promise? (Where is the promise?) Where's the innocence? (Where's the innocence?)
Where's the future? (Where is the future?)
Where the beauty? (Ooo)
Where's the promise? (Where is the promise?) Where's the innocence? (Where's the innocence?)
Where's the future? (Where is the future?)
Where the beauty? (Ooo)
Where's the promise? (Where is the promise?)

Wonder if this song is (with a gender switch) directed at his son who appeared on Celebrity Rehab.

Sounds like he’s singing to a member of the Manson family

I've not heard that Rod Stewart song before

Is it actually called "I don't mean to come on as a serious dick, but"

…you broke my heart”

“Have I Told You Lately that You Disappoint Me?”

Ok I am thinking about Wilson Phillips' song "Hold On," which is generally a supportive and caring message.

But then you get the line "You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness (no baby); you got yourself into your own mess."

Seriously? Fuck you, Carnie. You don't know anything about my life. For all you know, I'm unhappy because my parents were tortured and killed on the orders of Bashar Al-Assad. Then my few possessions were stolen by a crooked Turkish border agent. Pretty sure I've got people to blame.

Though imagine it’s directed at John and Brian.

Hmm. I would say that in the Wilson Phillips oeuvre, the best zing against their parents comes in "The Dream Is Still Alive," which starts out as "Hippies were cool," but throws this elegant bit of shade:

Not so long ago in a purple haze
People dreamed out loud they were not afraid
They stopped the war but not the dying
Some got a little bit lost along the way

But not quite right for this thread because that last bit is intentional.

It's about the only U2 song I can countenance, but "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For", I mean, "I went through hell and high water just to be with you, and for what?!"

Phil Oakey's bit in "Don't You Want Me," though the duet structure leavens it.

Maybe the character in Don't You Want Me isn't intentionally a dick, but surely Phil Oakey knew he was writing him that way.

It's about the only U2 song I can countenance, but "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For", I mean, "I went through hell and high water just to be with you, and for what?!"

A save for "I Still Haven't Found...": The "you" is God? Note that elsewhere, a romantic partner appears in the third person, as "her."

Xpost!

toxic divinity

A save for "I Still Haven't Found...": The "you" is God? Note that elsewhere, a romantic partner appears in the _third_ person, as "her."

Xpost!

_A save for "I Still Haven't Found...": The "you" is God? Note that elsewhere, a romantic partner appears in the _third_ person, as "her."

Xpost!_


I think the lyric is just about “not finding it” in erotic love.

-in-

Well, you have to think that Bono is a shitty lay, so that makes sense.

okay thanks for soiling my water

Well, you have to think that Bono is a shitty lay, so that makes sense.

No serious dicking, for sure.

Hasn't Bono had the same girlfriend/ wife since childhood? So I can imagine his grasp on wooing, romancing, and heartbreak is tenuous.

Perhaps because of that, for Bono, romantic love is a metaphor for religion, and his "love" songs are almost always religious in character. Cf. "She moves in mysterious ways," that's a little too on the nose. Some of the same for Al Green, who has said "You Ought to Be With Me" was never about a woman.

Some have suggested that for Marvin Gaye, sexual freedom and human freedom are metaphors for one another.

In actuality, romantic love is a metaphor for the Mexican Revolution. Which was itself a metaphor for pizza.

She Looks Like Me,With
Plastic Jewels,On Low Rent Crown,IN TACKY VERSION OF BOB’S (“THE DRESS” ) MACKIE…SINGING”STILL HAVENT FOUND WHAT IM LOOKING FOR” FLAT🤮

— Cher (@cher) June 11, 2022

https://pitchfork.com/thepitch/624-the-problem-with-ed-sheeran-and-nice-guys-like-him/

Maybe the character in Don't You Want Me isn't intentionally a dick, but surely Phil Oakey knew he was writing him that way.

Definitely. I remember an interview where he mentioned how bemused he is when people tell him it's one of the great love songs: "It's about coercion."

"I'll Be Doggone," an amazing composition/performance/recording, is unfortunately one of these:

I'll be doggone if you ain't a pretty thing
And I'll be doggone if you ain't warm as a breath of spring

And if we live to be a hundred years old
If you ever let that spring turn cold
Then I wouldn't be doggone
Hey, I'd be long gone

Like, okay buddy, we're both a hundred but sure, go play the field.

Well, every woman should try to be
Whatever her man wants her to be
And I don't want much
All I want from you
Is for you to be true to me

As well, all my life, I've thought Marvin Gaye then put the cherry on top by muttering "fetch me a drink" during the fade-out. But it's actually "catch me a train," which does admittedly fit the overall conceit better.

some low-hanging fruit here. I only just now heard this song for the first time - it was a US number one hit in 2000, and as such is covered today by Tom Breihan in his Stereogum column. someone in the comments called it “the ultimate incel power ballad”:

Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why
But under skinned knees and the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for
Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

nice eh? but wait, Mr Vertical Horizon felt he hadn’t been enough of a serious dick without meaning to yet, so he thought he’d spell it out some more in the final chorus:

*I am* everything you want
*I am* everything you need
*I am* everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
*I say* all the right things
At exactly the right time
But *I* mean nothing to you and *I* don't know why
And *I* don't know why
Why
*I* don't know

excellent pick imo. also never actually noticed any of the words to the verses past the first line, and they really do compound the judging/patronizing jerk portrait. it's particularly striking since (at least based on their other two hits off that album), Mr. Vertical Horizon is otherwise an evasive and vague lyricist to the point of near-incoherence...

Even in the 70's this was a bit of an eye-roller, this lil' tidbit from "Summer Breeze":

And I come home from a hard day's work
And you're waiting there
Not a care in the world

I always thought Lou Bega came off like sort of a dick. Does Angela know about Pamela, Monica, Rita...?

I always kinda thought Adele came off like a dick in Hello, especially this line...

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried
To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart
But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore

Like leave the poor guy alone, you broke his heart and he's happy now and you're upset he isn't hurt anymore?

lol, the Vertical Horizon song basically described me in my late teens/early 20s. very much an incel anthem (I was v much an incel then myself), the whole "I am empirically the right match for you because I check off all of your imaginary boxes, ergo this proves you should be with me and are wronging me by choosing someone else!"

also, to me, "saying the right things at exactly the right time" isn't a synonym for "being a comforting person", I know it's a common turn of phrase, but to me it's always read so transactional. "I rehearsed the things that I've been told are the things i should say to you when you are upset, ergo now I should get something out of it in return, right?".

I thought that song was about Jesus?

Omg, the explanation from the band even worse

I was in love with this girl, and she was just a broken person. She kept turning to everyone except me for love and acceptance, and I wanted so much to help her. I wanted to be the one to give her everything she wanted, but I couldn't. She just couldn't accept it from me, and it was that pain, that led me to creating the song.

I have no words for how repulsive that song was and remains. Truly genuinely nauseating.
🤮 to infinity
He’s that guy with the poster boards in Love Actually but a little worse bc that was a character. This fool is real.

she just couldn't accept it from me

there is something deeply wrong with every sentence in that explanation

If you can't feed your baby (yeah, yeah)
Then don't have a baby (yeah, yeah)
And don't think maybe (yeah, yeah)
If you can't feed your baby (yeah, yeah)
You'll be always tryin'
To stop that child from cryin'
Hustlin', stealin', lyin'
Now baby's slowly dyin'

Pretty Woman, in which Roy Orbison claims he 'needs' a woman he's only just seen, threatens to cry if she ignores him.

a classic trope, similarly employed by James Blunt in Beautiful

and then there's come live with me by heaven 17, where the 37 year old singer does seem to be terminating his relationship with a 17 year old, though not without regrets, and the chorus is entirely unrepentant.

(i heard all three of these on the radio this weekend)

Do They Know It's Christmas

Yeah lol Ethiopia had been predominantly Christian for more than a thousand years when that song was written

YACHT GUY: there's a world outside your window,

Song is obviously a metaphor for the cocaine business