Artist-specific music jokes

I agree. It's fucking hilarious, and way funnier than "real jokes."

what is the most psychic roots reggae album?

- heart of the cognos!!!!!!!!!

Llega un hombre a una taquería y pide un Lady Gaga, el mesero se volteo con los de la cocina y grita: "¡Sale una gringa con chorizo!".

heard this once:

"How many Tori Amoses does it take to change a lightbulb?"

"None, because Kate Bush already did it"

here's one i made up:

Where did Phil Anselmo stay when he went interrailing round Europe?

In a fucking hostel.

A joke courtesy of Bob Weston of Shellac:

"Q: What's the worst thing you could hear after giving Willie Nelson a blow-job?
A: I'm not Willie Nelson."

What was that one...What do you get when you cross a pirate and a urinal? "Arrr Kelly" or something like that.

― frankE (frankE), Wednesday, September 29, 2004 11:49 AM (6 years ago)

Is this a reference to both Mr Kelly's early 2000s teenage urination video and Duchamp's "Fountain"?

R Mutt --- R Kelly ---see?

Frank Sinatra is golfing with Sammy Davis Jr. "What's your handicap?" asks Frank. "I'm a one-eyed black Jews," answers Sammy. "What's yours?"

(Jew singular, of course. I'm tired)

Why did Goldie apologise to Roni Size?

Because he wanted to make Amens

I thought my girlfriend was joking when she said she wanted to see a Monkees concert in Switzerland. But then I saw her face, now I'm in Geneva.

Q: What do you call a pig with Wings?
A: Linda McCartney

I saw a member of the Moody Blues tell this in a documentary about Wings, as an example of the sort of sexism and misogyny Linda McCartney had to put up with when she joined Wings, nice work there, fella!

Interviewer to Stevie Wonder: "Stevie, has being blind been a disadvantage to you?"

Stevie Wonder: "Well it could have been worse, I could have been black."

"What's black and walks into pianos"

I've heard more jokes about Stevie Wonder than any other musician

I've heard this told as a true story, but I feel sure it must be apocryphal:

Bono starts doing slow handclaps at a concert, then says "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

Member of audience yells out "Well stop clapping your fucking hands then."

I heard it was in Glasgow, but sounds like the sort of story Glaswegians are likely to claim happened in Glasgow, honest

which black metal band embarrassed themselves in a social justice faux pas?

NAGLfar

What was the goth Smurf called?

Peter Smurphy

"the Bonzo Dog Band has actually released quite a bit of music since Vivian's death."
"oh, is it any good?"
"it's a sub-Stanshall body of work!"

dear god

Q: Why were the Byrds great?
A: They set Bob Dylan songs to music.

This made me laugh...

"The Edge you're more beast than man!"

still lolllling after all this time at this! the lack of comma after The Edge is even hilarious.

yes!

Taxi driver dropping off the Mael brothers at an airport, struggling to get one of their suitcases out of the boot. Turns to a nearby man and says 'when this gets out, Sparks are gonna fly'.
― Michael Philip Philip Philip Annoyman (Ferg), Wednesday, September 29, 2004 8:51 PM (thirteen years ago)

Jon Anderson from Yes bought the original claymation model of the beloved children's character Morph.

He's the Owner of a Tony Hart

Ok but technically Morph was made by Peter Lord and David Sproxton of Aardman Animations.

Q: What do you call a pig with Wings?
A: Linda McCartney

I saw a member of the Moody Blues tell this in a documentary about Wings, as an example of the sort of sexism and misogyny Linda McCartney had to put up with when she joined Wings, nice work there, fella!

― Eats like Elvis, shits like De Niro (Tom D.), Wednesday, 12 February 2014 15:30 (five years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

saw Tom D post this on ILM as an example of etc

Steve Reich walks into a bar.
BARMAN: Why the long phase?

Newspaper cartoon I heard about with a guy sitting at the end of a bar looking really moody and the caption 'That's God he thinks he's Miles Davis'
Just googled it and can't find an image. I think it's mid 50s or possibly earlier so maybe that's not that surprising.

fgti to thread.

What’s the difference between a baby and an bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton wouldn’t let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window.

Terrible I know, a variation I’ve heard of a joke upthread.

I like Neil Hamburger's version of that

"Why did Eric Clapton switch from PC to Mac?"

"Because he had a bad experience with Windows!"

This one is from The Two Ronnies, I think.

Since the break-up of Peters & Lee, Lee has gone solo and Peters has gone straight into a lamp-post.

I'm a terrible person and I love every joke about Clapton's dead son

why weren't Michael Jackson and Eric Clapton friends?
...
...
because Michael Jackson doesn't fuck dead children

irl lol

lol

fav music-related neil hamburger joke:

why did the farmer start a punk rock band?
because he was tired of HALL AND OATES!! ("haulin' oats" lmaooooo)

Q: Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?
A: Fo' drizzle!

― Do you mean ironic in the literary sense or the alanis morissette sense? (KMS), Thursday, 18 June 2009 14:58 (nine years ago) Permalink

This deserves more props

Newspaper cartoon I heard about with a guy sitting at the end of a bar looking really moody and the caption 'That's God he thinks he's Miles Davis'
Just googled it and can't find an image. I think it's mid 50s or possibly earlier so maybe that's not that surprising.

Don't think I've ever heard of this originating as a newspaper cartoon, but About 142 results (0.34 seconds) , several quoting So What: The Life of Miles Davis (Szwed, 2002)

What's Stevie Wonder's favourite book? A cheese grater.

How does Bob Marley like his donuts? Wi' jam in.

What's yellow and lives off dead beetles? Yoko Ono.

fuck all three of those, wtf

The Marley one is good

Following the tragic death of Linda McCartney, Paul gathers the kids into the kitchen to tell them the news.

Paul: “Kids, there’s good news and bad news, the bad news is your mother has passed away, the good news is... it’s steak for tea!”

Todd Rundgren walks into a bar.
Barman says "Why the long face?"

Just read this entire thread for some reason (ILM sure did used to be a lot more racist).

But I did find this one objectively hilarious:

Sasha: "Fancy going to the cinema tonight?"
Tong: "Dunno, who's the projectionist?"
― bg (creamolafoam)

Steve Reich walks into a bar.
Reich walks into a bar. Steve
walks into a bar. Steve Reich
into a bar. Steve Reich walks
a bar. Steve Reich walks into
bar. Steve Reich walks into a
Steve Reich walks into a bar.

(probably in this thread already, too predictable)

Why couldn't paramedics save Marvin Gaye when he was shot?

He needed sexual healing

Steve Reich walks into a bar.
Reich walks into a bar. Steve
walks into a bar. Steve Reich
into a bar. Steve Reich walks
a bar. Steve Reich walks into
bar. Steve Reich walks into a
Steve Reich walks into a bar.

― StanM, Sunday, May 12, 2019 1:52 PM (two days ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Steve
Steve Reich
Steve Reich walks
Steve Reich walks in
Steve Reich walks into
Steve Reich walks into a
Steve Reich walks into a bar
Steve Reich walks into a bar
Steve Reich walks into a bar
|Steve Reich walks into a bar
||Steve Reich walks into a bar
|||Steve Reich walks into a bar
||||Steve Reich walks into a bar
|||||Steve Reich walks into a bar
||||||Steve Reich walks into a bar
|||||||Steve Reich walks into a bar