OK, is this the worst piece of music writing ever?

exclusive pic of the Independent editors keeping the vessel afloat

http://i.imgur.com/l6fCM96.png

Oh my god, what the fuck did I just read!?!

we all said we wanted the Pitchfork '00-style review to make a comeback but I don't think we really thought the implications through

― volumetric god rays (DJP), Tuesday, June 14, 2016 1:14 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

who said this and how soon can we start rounding them up

http://www.monologuedb.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/Claude-Rains-Captain-Louis-Renault-Casablanca.jpg

lol this feels like it's been written by 17 different writers. all teenagers.

I'm telling you, this album is primetime vodka and molly music for summer 2016, my guy. This is not music for the Uber ride home by yourself at 3am, upset because you'll be alone for the rest of your life b. This is the shit you play before you make an ill-advised decision and cheat on the love of your life, or do some freaky shit with the person you forgot to formally break things off with. Essentially this record’s theme is all about embracing imperfections, saying fuck it, and getting down while you can. Okay, I hate myself for that sentence, but I have no idea who Toronto singer Kai is, and she sounds fucking perfect on “Never Be Like You.” Tell her people to hit up my people so we can do this joint interview with Streten on some behind-the-scenes shit. She might be the most slept on artist to date b.

can we get this guy on ilx pronto plz

oh wait, there's like a half dozen people who do this schtick already

Did none of you who are upset over this ever read a Vice album review from like 2007 (I'd understand if you didn't, I don't really cherish the time I spent reading those either)

this reads like a style parody of big ghost, except without the funny parts

xp those at least had the decency to be brief

Did none of you who are upset over this ever read a Vice album review from like 2007

no because it was on Vice and fuck Vice forever

the "b." sentence enders read like typos that result from him trying to hit the space bar twice and failing

oh wait, there's like a half dozen people who do this schtick already

― De La Soul is no Major Lazer (ulysses), Tuesday, June 14, 2016 3:05 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

there are?

are there people on ILX who say "my guy" at the end of a sentence? just wondering, my guy.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zuQK6t2Esng

DORKS WHO SIGN THEIR POSTS LIKE IT'S A FREAKIN EMAIL

guilty.

Ludo

bring back Old Fart

Both Sky and Madonna have similar breasts in both cup size and ability to cause a shitstorm. When Ferreira dropped her debut, Night Time, My Time, three years ago, the bare-breasted album cover nearly broke the internet. Misogynists claimed it was a desperate attempt to sell records; feminists saw it as the calculated move of a defiant young woman. A third unnamed group that included me couldn't help but reminisce on the past, on Madonna's defiantly atomic boobs — the two knockers that altered the course of human history.

http://www.laweekly.com/music/sky-ferreiras-sex-appeal-is-what-pop-music-needs-right-now-7027759

:(

ew

Even in the candid photo of her nude in the shower, soaking wet, she looks natural, like she's shooting a home video, rather than being photographed by a creeper. She looks like a more cherubic Sharon Stone, icy but also sweet, like a freshly licked lollipop.

o_O

..........what in the actual bloody fuck

Welcome to "Art Tavana vs. the World," a monthly column in which L.A. Weekly's angriest (and nerdiest) music critic, Art Tavana, takes on his many nemeses in an ambitious quest to boldly go where no other critic has gone before.

this is the text equivalent of the jerk-off hand motion.

a nerd edgy and ambitious enough to call robb stark a pussy

wow the la weekly ran something shitty, what a surprise

i guess this guy had to stay erect after writing a cover story on sasha grey

the thing is it's getting traffic and i know from experience that the paper's upper management only cares about clicks

so, you know. fuck it

Read that as:

the thing is it's getting traffic and i know from experience that the paper's upper management only cares about dicks

six of one

dickbait

right-dick to save image

the funny thing is when you realize that y'all are the only target audience for this stuff

You mean, we are the dicks?

don't give them your rage-dicks!

this guy's article history reminds me of all the things i hate about l.a.

(also went to look at the independent article and looks like the editors took it down. was there a statement or something or did they just "whoops" away the thing because it was getting clowned?)

Even in the candid photo of her nude in the shower, soaking wet, she looks natural like a terrified young woman about to be butchered by a man wearing a mask made of skin

Wait so was the guy in the Independent thing ending every other sentence with "b" because he was so street?

pfft

LA Weekly Music ‏@LAWeeklyMusic 1h1 hour ago
Seeing feedback to the @skyferreira story & tweet. We hear you. We truly didn't mean to offend & will address further in an upcoming post.

"like a freshly licked lollipop"

this has to be the worst five words ever written by anyone anywhere ever in human history

story is still up of course

takes on his many nemeses in an ambitious quest to boldly go where no other critic has gone before.

We truly didn't mean to offend

does not add up.

i must have confined myself to a weird life/internet bubble for way too long, cuz i can't imagine anyone writing or publishing such a thing. it feels decades out of time.

"Both Sky and Madonna have similar breasts in both cup size and ability to cause a shitstorm."

either this guy is also bad at metaphors or I just learned a lot about the sort of pornography this guy watches

i must have confined myself to a weird life/internet bubble for way too long, cuz i can't imagine anyone writing or publishing such a thing. it feels decades out of time.

― oculus lump (contenderizer), Friday, June 17, 2016 10:14 PM (29 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

exactly this

also it is indicative of 2016 that an article like this can contain both "she looks... sweet, like a freshly licked lollipop" and "I'm not trying to otherize this woman"

Nothing matters in 2016 and there will be zero consequences for anyone involved, btw

consequences = dude had to make his twitter private