amanda palmer's open poem to jonathan chait (and other crimes)

eh, her music is transgressive for a considerable segment of the population who are particularly unimaginative but not to anyone who posts regularly to the internet anywhere but facebook or #gamergate

Really? What about her last album was particularly transgressive? Sounded pretty standard issue to me at the time.

well she covers LDR's video games which is offensive to all sorts of people
and there's this which is her anthem. I watched a huge crowd of heavily pierced "FUCK YOUR RULES" types singing rapturously along to it this summer. you'd have to be exceptionally uptight for this to be offensive but hey, lots of people are!

Sid vicious played a four-string fender bass guitar and couldn't sing
And everybody hated him except the ones who loved him
A ukulele has four strings, but sid did did not play ukulele
He did smack and probably killed his girlfriend nancy spungen

If only sid had had a ukulele, maybe he could have been happy
Maybe he would not have suffered such a sad end
He maybe would have not done all that heroin instead
He maybe would've sat around just singing nice songs to his girlfriend

So play your favorite cover song, especially if the words are wrong
'cos even if your grades are bad, it doesn't mean you're failing
Do your homework with a fork
And eat your fruit loops in the dark
And bring your etch-a-sketch to work
And play your ukulele

Ukulele small and forceful
Brave and peaceful
You can play the ukulele too it is painfully simple
Play your ukulele badly, play your ukulele loudly
Ukulele banish evil
Ukulele save the people
Ukulele gleaming golden on the top of every steeple

Lizzie borden took an axe, and gave her father thirty whacks
Then gave her mother thirty-one, and left a tragic puzzle
If only they had given her an instrument, those puritans
Had lost the plot completely
See what happens when you muzzle
A person's creativity
And do not let them sing and scream
And nowadays it's worse 'cause kids have automatic handguns
It takes about an hour to learn how to play the ukulele
About same to teach someone to build a standard pipe bomb
YOU DO THE MATH

So play your favorite cover song, especially if the words are wrong
'cos even if your grades are bad, it doesn't mean you're failing
Do your homework with a fork
And eat your fruit loops in the dark
And bring your flask of jack to work
And play your ukulele

Ukulele, thing of wonder
Ukulele, wand of thunder
You can play the ukulele, too
In london and down under
Play joan jett, and play jacques brel
And eminem and neutral milk hotel
The children crush the hatred
Play your ukulele naked
And if anybody tries to steal your ukulele, let them take it

Imagine there's no music, imagine there are no songs
Imagine that john lennon wasn't shot in front of his apartment
Imagine if john lennon had composed "imagine" on the ukulele
Maybe folks would have more clearly got the message

You may think my approach is simple-minded and naïve
Like if you want to save the world then why not quit and feed the hungry
But people for millennia have needed music to survive
And that's why i've promised john that i will not feel guilty

So play your favorite beatles' song
And make the subway fall in love
They're only $19.95, that's not a lot of money
Play until the sun comes up
And play until your fingers suffer
Play LCD soundsystem songs on your ukulele
Quit the bitching on your blog
And stop pretending art is hard
Just limit yourself to three chords
And do not practice daily
You'll minimize some stranger's sadness
With a piece of wood and plastic
Holy fuck it's so fantastic, playing ukulele
Eat your homework with a fork
And do your fruit loops in the dark
Bring your etch-a-sketch to work
Your flask of jack
Your vibrator
Your fear of heights
Your nikon lens
Your mom and dad
Your disco stick
Your soundtrack from "karate kid"
Your ginsu knives
Your rosary
Your new rebecca black CD
Your favorite room
Your bowie knife
Your stuffed giraffe
Your new glass eye
Your sousaphone
Your breakfast tea
Your nick drake tapes
Your giving tree
Your ice cream truck
Your missing wife
Your will to live
Your urge to cry
Remember we're all going to die
So PLAY YOUR UKULELE

i just hate to see people mess up a good thing. you could have a devoted post-snicket steam-nerd fan-base for life if you just play it cool. you're married to the sandman, for pete's sake! but people are people. you can't change that.

i am glad that she made it possible for her fans to beg for her book. but i guess that's kinda one of the points of the book.

https://massmosaic.com/groups/162/view/the-art-of-asking-amanda-palmer-book-gifting

ugh, libraries:

"I am struggling for money at the moment, lost my job a few months ago. I love AFP, her music and what she writes/blogs. I would really like to read this book, hold this book and give it the time it deserves (rather than a library copy, which is what i'll do if i need to). Love to all the people on here. <3"

that ukelele song... christ.

someone posted that 'oasis' song on facebook and described palmer as 'my kind of human being'. very nearly unfriended.

"I would prefer to trade my book for a handcrafted object or something interesting to add to my craft stash. I knit, sew, spin, dye, and felt among other things. I'm open to just about anything crafty. Somehow incorporating unicorns and/or rainbows would be extra amazing, but is not absolutely necessary."

you'd have to be exceptionally uptight for this to be offensive

I dunno, I find it horribly offensive. Jesus. Please don't post any more godawful lyrics about ukeleles again.

'salute' to my brain, for trying to make that song scan to "Love, love, love".

And that's why i've promised john that i will not feel guilty

Thanks, Lennon!

trying to make that song scan to "Love, love, love".

Me too dude. It hurts.

xp well you know what i mean

I guess i'm uptight because fffffuuuuccckkkk that shit

did rebecca black actually make a CD

Well, there is offensive, and then there is offensive to my tastes. There are far more things that fall in the latter category, but I generally don't find the people who make them nearly as insufferable as I do Palmer. For a musician, her music is the least offensive thing about her.

You may think my approach is simple-minded and naïve

yes.

Amanda/Dolores mashup:

If only Sid had had a ukulele, maybe he could have been happy
Maybe he would not have suffered such a sad end

With a Smith & Wesson 38,
His life was no longer a debate.
What a sad and sorry and sickening sight.

amanda wrote a piece about art and money, published in the Guardian today:

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/dec/13/amanda-palmer-art-business-difficult-honest-decisions

Can't wait for her and Russell Brand to do a tour, lemme tell ya.

thanks 'sam b'

Good article, Æfrikæ Bæmbæætææ

I am disappointed at the level of "Amanda Palmer cleans her teeth, 1000 dislikes" um, things.

I don't understand how you read "I lost my job and am struggling for money, so while I'd prefer to pay for the work of an artist I support, I'll read a library copy if I have to" and take away "ugh libraries"

i just thought it was funny that the library was a last resort. if the whole begging strangers on the internet for a free copy thing didn't work out. but they did want to hold the book for a long time. so, i guess ownership was the real issue. though you can still renew books from the library as far as i know...you could still hold the library book for weeks.

"I would really like to read this book, hold this book and give it the time it deserves (rather than a library copy, which is what i'll do if i need to)."

but maybe that wasn't clear. the site i linked to was devoted to people asking strangers to send them copies of AP's book for free.

AP's argument that artists take a beating when they show their financials ignores someone like, say, Louis CK who gives the info he wants to give and seems honest about it. Nobody's ripping into the High Maintenance guys for working with Vimeo in an overpriced model. No one is dissecting a dozen other kickstarted albums or the TMBG fansourced project. People just react badly when they smell bullshit.

obvs: https://twitter.com/amandapalmer/status/560117690560688130

double obvs http://jezebel.com/amanda-palmer-has-killed-the-entire-jezebel-staff-1682343149

(for those wary to click, she WROTE A FUCKING POEM TO JONATHAN CHAIT)

Title:

"On Reading the Tweet from the Girl Proclaiming She's Getting Her Dresden Dolls Tattoos Covered Up Due to an Article I Tweeted a Link to About the Dark Sides of Online Political Correctness."

Sample lines:

"I'm still there/underneath./i'm still there/and still love you. (you could laser me off, i suppose, but I'd linger./i'd prefer being subsumed by a comparable singer.)"

To be fair to afp (beyond her awful poetry, for which she deserves whatever comes her way) she includes links to a couple good rebuttals of Chait's piece at the end of her poem.

if you got a dresden dolls tattoo you deserve whatever comes your way

That's really the title.

the title of the post itself gets it the wrong way round, weirdly enough

A POEM INSPIRED BY AN ARTICLE INSPIRED BY A TWEET.

weirder still, I read the poem & did not dislike it

you are not going to trick me into clicking on that poem no matter how hard you try

i've been hurt too many times before

the title of the post itself gets it the wrong way round, weirdly enough

tecnically it should have been A POEM INSPIRED BY A TWEET INSPIRED BY ANOTHER TWEET INSPIRED BY AN ARTICLE INSPIRED BY A BUNCH OF TWEETS

bernard wtf

A POEM INSPIRED BY AN ARTICLE INSPIRED BY A TWEET, TOLD BY AN IDIOT, FULL OF SOUND AND FURY, SIGNIFYING NOTHING

(you could laser me off, i suppose, but I'd linger./i'd prefer being subsumed by a comparable singer.)

man morrissey just doesn't give a fuck anymore does he

you can scrape me off/the sole of your shoe/but i'll still be an annoyance to you

not a cranberries funnie then?

oh yeah the ending couplet was terrible, sorry; "did not hate" should be read as applying to what preceded it

actually the only part I didn't hate (although that could easily change as I continue to re-read & think about it)

it’s your right
to be angry.

it’s your right
to remove me.

it’s your right
to march forth and
with pride
de-tattoo me.

but it’s also my right
to embrace you, and tightly;
while you exercise loudly
your right
to not love me.

and as hate lingers thick
like a black cloud above you
pile ink upon ink

I’m still there
underneath.

i’m still there

and still love you.

You don't find that a messed up sentiment? "However much you renounce me, I will never leave you."

it's weirdly parental

Jonathan Chait @jonathanchait · Jan 28
@amandapalmer Wow.

The right to embrace without consent

Kind of a Nicksian sentiment

I wish a mod would take poor Robert Smith's name off of this thread ;_;

You know...

There, happier?

well done!