So, what is the worst music review ever then?

HOW DROLL

that's how you get to be The Dean (TM) i guess

Not the worst, but pretty boneheaded and offensive:
http://cdn1.libsyn.com/dsco/GJ1.jpg?nvb=20090306220633&nva=20090307221633&t=0bdaa3cb8017b456322dc
http://cdn1.libsyn.com/dsco/GJ2.jpg?nvb=20090306220958&nva=20090307221958&t=03eebebb3cb9f3490dbb3
http://cdn2.libsyn.com/dsco/GJ3.jpg?nvb=20090306221035&nva=20090307222035&t=05287b557abc3888ddd48

meant "allusions" obv

Wainwright makes up better melodies with a dick in his mouth

?!

― straight up, you're payin' jacks just to hear me phase (M@tt He1ges0n), Friday, 6 March 2009 21:14 (1 hour ago) Bookmark

Guess that's what they call a humjob.

>>Wainwright makes up better melodies with a dick in his mouth

Love to know what kind of research the Dean did for this one.

Although I think it's outside the OP's intentions to include Rate Your Music reviews, this one did cause some mirth last night:

I'VE NEVER BEEN ONE FOR ALL THE HAIR METALS. I DON'T SEE A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROCKING THE FABIO LOOK OR BANGING ONE OUT TO MEGADEATH. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS LOOK AT MY PROFILE PICTURE TO SEE I LIKE THINGS SHAVED. HEH. ALL THINGS! HEH. SERIOUSLY GUYS ALWAYS SHAVE DOWN THERE, YOU'LL THANK ME LATER HEH WOAH! FORGOT I HAVE AN ALBUM TO REVIEW HERE. LIVE ALBUMS ARE ALWAYS HIT AND MISS, BUT HOLY COW IF THIS ALBUM DOESN'T KEEP THINGS GOING. PUT 12 OF THE MOST PUNISHING RIFFS OF ALL TIME BY THESE LEGENDS ON ONE DISK AND LET EM' PLAY. I LIKE TO KEEP MY LIFE ORGANIZED AND PEACEFUL NOW IN DAYS (BEEN WORKING ON MY ZEN GARDEN LATELY, HEH), BUT EVERY NOW AND THEN I LIKE TO PULL OUT THIS OLD CLASSIC AND WHIP OUT SOME OF MY OLD GEAR FROM THE 80S AND ROCK ONE OUT TO "THE TROOPER" OR "RUN TO THE HILLS". JUST MAKE SURE GRAMPS ISN'T IN THE ROOM YOU'LL SEND HIM TO AN EARLY DEATH. HEH!

I'VE GOTTEN A LOT OF MAIL SINCE I STARTED REVIEWING ON THIS SITE (MOSTLY FROM LADIES ASKING IF I'M SINGLE...ANSWER STILL TO COME, HEH!) AND A LOT OF PEOPLE POINTED OUT I OFTEN TALK ABOUT MY SMOOTHIES. HELL, I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE HONEST! HEH. GUESS IT SHOWS YOU WHATS ON MY MIND ALL THE TIME. I DON'T CONSIDER MYSELF A BUSINESS MAN BUT A SMOOTHIE MAN. YOU COULD TAKE AWAY MY BUSINESS AND I'D STILL TALK ABOUT ALL MY FAVORITE SMOOTHIES (BUT MAN WOULD I BE PISSED!) ANYWAY, I THOUGHT IT'D BE A COOL IDEA TO COMPARE THE ALBUM I REVIEWED TO ONE OF THE SMOOTHIES ON MY MENU. DUE TO THE INDULGENT, EVIL NATURE, AND GUILTY PLEASURE THEMES OF LIVE AFTER DEATH, I'M GONNA SAY THIS REMINDS ME OF MY PEANUT BUTTER CHOCOLATE SMOOTHIE. THROW SOME BANNANAS, CACAO, AND A SPECIAL NUTRITION POWEDER AND YOU GOT YOURSELF SOMETHING THE FUFILLS AND FILLS IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. ALRIGHT, THANKS GUYS FOR BEING SO SUPORTATIVE OF THE REAL IRONMAN. MAYBE THEY'LL MAKE A MOVIE AFTER ME YET, HEH!

As far as I know Pitchfork have yet to file an ALL CAPS gonad-obsessed "concept review", but this could serve as a good template.

It had me at "I've never been one for all the hair metals."

Since I've got my Rolling Stone cover-to-cover fired up and my screen capture up and running, I might as well post this one as well. One hopes these Rolling Stone reviewers eventually completed their comp lit PhDs and got the respect they so clearly craved!
http://cdn3.libsyn.com/dsco/Auto1.jpg?nvb=20090306223606&nva=20090307224606&t=09ffeab57f47ac9ad651e
http://cdn4.libsyn.com/dsco/Auto2.jpg?nvb=20090306223719&nva=20090307224719&t=01b1750ff4e10e57d9efb

hahahaha the Walkmen hahahaha
― Matos W.K., Friday, March 6, 2009 8:15 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark

I don't get it

the name is indeed funny..

I don't mind that Grace Jones review. Who do you find it offensive? But that Mendelsohn Kraftwerk one is pretty awful. I'm mildly stunned RS ran ersatz Meltzer that late in the game.

WHY do you find it offensive?

Jealous of your ImageCapture (sp?) for sure.

The Kraftwerk review obviously missed the point as they would go on to become legends. But as a negative review, I think it was well written and funny.

hahahaha the Walkmen hahahaha
― Matos W.K., Friday, March 6, 2009 8:15 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark

still don't get it

never could forget how dumb this review was:

http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/article/record_review/17348-east-river-pipe-the-gasoline-age

"What kind of music is this anyway, space-country?"

were the grace jones and kraftwerk reviews cut and pasted from the archives of readers digest (circa 1950)?

i don't mean bcoz of content, i didn't read them tbh, just the look of them.

leave John Mendelsohn alone!!!

"disco music for people who never went to discos"

hahah, perfect.

(hey guys, funniest does not equal "worst")

I really do want Matos to explain the "hahaha the Walkmen" thing.

I'VE GOTTEN A LOT OF MAIL SINCE I STARTED REVIEWING ON THIS SITE (MOSTLY FROM LADIES ASKING IF I'M SINGLE...ANSWER STILL TO COME, HEH!) . . . I DON'T CONSIDER MYSELF A BUSINESS MAN BUT A SMOOTHIE MAN

Stay classy.

I really do want Matos to explain the "hahaha the Walkmen" thing.

Me too!

Aletti = one of the great music writers

OTM. Give or take Michael Freedberg, probably the greatest disco critic ever. (Wrote some excellent disco liner notes in the late '70s, too.)

hahahaha the Walkmen hahahaha

Also OTM.

So it's like a fancy-music-critics-got-each-others'-backs thing? Because that review is fucking garbage, regardless of whether or not you think the band is funny or whatever. Weak, fellas.

what's offensive about that grace jones review? that critic did good stuff in the voice's late 70s heyday. traditionally most RS writers do their best work elsewhere.

mendelsohn is a contender for worst RS critic ever...

i accidentally Matos's whole Walkmen post. Hahahaha!

accidentally what?

do ppl still write abt music?

lol @ "fancy"

I made fun of the Walkmen because they, uh, suck. Not that hard to figure out.

i have a hard tiem remembering what "muckraking" even means

still don't know what makes the walkmen so obviously, uh, sucky

They record boring albums.

ok thanks i understand now

The actual closing line from the Pitchfork review:

Far from trailblazing, Passover nevertheless implies that the Black Angels like to blaze until they see trails.

I made fun of the Walkmen because they, uh, suck. Not that hard to figure out.

I could make up better zings with a dick in my mouth.

great thread so far

I could make up better zings with a dick in my mouth.

― Shannon Whirry & the Bad Brains, Monday, March 9, 2009 12:20 AM

like that one!

Geeze, This is what I keep for sleeping in all weeked.

I find the Rolling Stone Grace Jones review boneheaded and offensive because it's unfairly dismissive of the album for the sake being too-clever-by-half, and it does so with more than a whiff of homo/disco-phobia.

As for the Autobahn review, the editor should have cut everything after the first graph until the last line. The album as its subject matter analogy is clever enough (and as a reviewer’s self-indulgent conceit, it’s certainly handled more deftly than the Grace Jones review), but the last line of the review is all we need to get it.

Yeah, I copied both of those from the Rolling Stone Cover-to-Cover dvd set. Although it looks now as if the links are broken.

I think James Wisdom's reviews are awesome.

It all comes back around:

https://defector.com/a-notorious-pitchfork-reviewer-was-my-biggest-musical-influence

There’s a 2005 I Love Music messageboard post titled “So, what is the worst music review ever then?” One poster, Brian Whitman, believed he had an answer....

(Mr. Wisdom, who posted last on this thread, is interviewed for the story and there's more besides.)

so long...

not like "goodbye". so long as in "wow that thing is long".

i don't know a lot of the non-ilx pitchfork people. i thought brent d. was funny. most of it seemed pretty samey though. 1996 they started? sheesh. i had no idea.

was pitchfork making money before conde nast took them over? why don't all these online places just stay independent? i don't get it. they want to get "BIGGER"? is that the thing? so stupid. owning your own thing is where its at. it never ends well when rich people get involved.

my understanding is that conde nast offered them money

God, that Sleater-Kinney review is abysmal— All Hands on the Bad One is an excellent record.