second greatest Ark Music video/song/artist after Rebecca Black

these dudes clearly wrote these lyrics in about 15 seconds

I think the most interesting thing about all of these is rapper Pato's appearances. In some cases, he's like the kid's alter ego.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cg5y9GsrB3A

I don't know why Ark removed this one from their channel. it contains one of Pato's finest moments, in which he stands in front of a green-screened colonoscopy video, flashes every gang sign he knows, and utters the immortal lines

come on Mr. DJ, won't you spin that track yo, spin that track yo
like "Smooth Criminal," and g's say, "Hush, are you ok? Hush, are you ok?"

....while shooting stars and airplane contrails crisscross in the foreground. amazing.

Pato's job must be really draining. I mean, every time he makes a video he has to revisit his old adolescent dreams and heartbreaks and neuroses just so he can come up with a few lines of poetry for the benefit of some teen girl he hardly knows. I feel for him.

omg Sabrina rhymes sometimes

it's like next-level for these guys

Wanna make me switch my lane
Wanna make me switch my game

so take it easy
let's take it easy
cuz I don't wanna rush this
I don't wanna rush this
no no

LEARN SOME MORE WORDS, AND THEN USE THEM

"Butterflies" sounds like a rejected Aly & AJ song

okay Abby Victor for the 3 seconds I watched her is smirkalicious

these guys don't believe in ballads

these guys don't believe teenagers are capable of sophisticated language use

well...

wow Pato is extra creepy in "Without Your Love"

Britt Rutter really got a raw deal with the Autotune. "tag me aw nuh summavree (summavree), yuh nah will be togetheeeeer." but I guess it's possible that she isn't capable of intelligible speech, and the engineers spent weeks processing her babbling into something semi-coherent.

her song is practically a ballad compared to most of the typical Ark fare. it's melodically subtler and more sophisticated than a lot of the other ones (in the verses, anyways. the chorus is pretty ass). I feel like it's a blatant ripoff of some other song, but I can't put my finger on it. 'Rescue Us' by My Favorite is the most similar one I can think of, but that's not quite it.

c'mon, when you were a teenager, history mayne, was your vocabulary that limited?

Ashley Rose is almost good...? Oh wait I got to the "tell me tell me tell me" bit, never mind

CJ Fam otoh is like a whole other level from everyone else, this girl is straight up hilarious

kept hoping CJ would bust into "the sun'll come out tomorrow"

Areiana Dvornik sounds like a budget Christina Milian

Can't wait until whoever the Irwin Chusid of 2035 is compiles all of these songs on some hipster-bait anthology

wow Pato is extra creepy in "Without Your Love"

yeah, seriously. I'm imagining that the weird blue vortex is the inside Britt's brain, and Pato has shrunk himself down to the size of neuron so he can learn about her innermost thoughts and eventually return to his normal size and get her to fall in love with him.

Potentially fraught question: Is Pato a "Magic Negro"?

omg why did the give Danika this terrible terrible song

oh wait, all the songs are terrible

Danika is the first one who sounds like a legitimate singer to me, tho (well, aside from the ultra-hilarious CJ); she's a little boring but is pretty clearly fitting the niche Keri Hilson and Ciara are working

omg Pato again, saying some stupid shit

okay the autotune on Jolie Adamson is killing me, lolololol

and again this song is horrible, TRY WRITING A RHYME YOU DOUCHEBAGS

stellar commentary, Dan. are you watching these all for the first time?

I'm listening to them; can't really "watch" at work due to lack of privacy

okay Lena is winning by default here because she's not singing one of their songs

CJ Fam otoh is like a whole other level from everyone else, this girl is straight up hilarious

― ancient, but very sexy (DJP), Friday, March 18, 2011 1:48 PM (2 minutes ago) Bookmark

^^ haven't watched a lot of these and probably won't before the close of the poll but that one's pretty amazing. how old is she, anyway? Ark's age ranch is supposedly 13-17 but she looks like 8

okay "Girl Swag On" is really giving "Friday" a run for its money, holy shit

"Crush On You" is kind of like a dry run for "Friday" with the AutoTune and references to saturday and partyin' and friends

This rap break in the Danika song is so Real McCoy.

Areiana Dvornik sounds like a budget Christina Milian

She'll never be a star, looks like her name fell out of a bag of Scrabble tiles.

wtf is "Girl Swag On" even about, besides making the listener laugh as hard as humanly possible

i keep looking for Rebecca Black's friends to turn up as "stars" or characters in these other videos.

btw if my name was "Tyler Shamy" I would be changing that shit immediately to, like, anything else

also he's terrible

the world really didn't need another Mika

ooh make way for Kaya

actually she's pretty good, too

but of course her song sucks ass

the "girl swag" girl actually defends herself against the haters by pointing to the urbandictionary definition of swag. it's about BEING BULLIED AND STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF.

she's a pretty confident, charismatic performer even though her pants creep me out.

Kenyauda LaNai - Swear We CAN'T HEAR YOU

Man, "Girl Swag On," I just . . . the spastic dance movements, the backup dancers in what appear to be white, hooded union suits, the long-haired dude with the Gibson SG thinking "man, I'd better be getting more than scale for this bullshit," the droopy vinyl leggings . . . the whole thing is like Exhibit A for "Dear Al Qaeda, Please Destroy America Faster."

Oh man, the "boyfriend" in the Sarah Maugaotega video is my hero:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZeTtJ0_-2sk&feature=related

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMS6oq4zTac&feature=related

*mumble mumble* WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Thanks, Kenyauda's mom

ooh I liked this more when I couldn't hear her

okay you can tell "My Jeans" isn't by Ark because, even though it is really young and cloying, there appears to be some basic songcraft going on

probably because they're all so formulaic and dumb, watching these videos and listening to these songs reminded me of the Mr. Show megaphone crooners sketch, though if these kids were singing about electric sports bras it would be better.

lol

This is basically CJ Fam vs Madison

Pato rips on Ted Hughes:

up above the sky
like an eagle up on high
can't relate to your pain
the way you feel deep inside
you're a bird in the sky
like an eagle up on high
baby baby you got my high

baby baby you got me high, rather.

too bad none of these rip on Sylvia Plath </shakey mo>

CJ Fam singing "So What"

this girl is hilarious

I listened to most of these already but CJ Fam is still new to me and WAU

http://cdn.dismagazine.com/uploads/2011/06/CJ-and-Dad.jpg

Coming soon in August Pato Aka Fat Usher "H-A-P-P-Y"

This seems to have gone unnoticed:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UCdcW0RgII

long live rop

WE HAVE BEEN SLEEPING ON ALL OF THIS!!! http://www.youtube.com/user/patomuzic

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hi1_Hbn2jqw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRj9T_On9Js

GREAT BRITAIN REPRESENT!!!

TWEENCHRONIC

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3OiCYNDNV9k

Tweenchronicity is the experience of two or more tweens that are apparently causally unrelated or unlikely to occur together by chance, yet are experienced as occurring together in a meaningful manner.

chronic = w33d, iirc

OMG MOUSTACHE DUDE

glad to see they've kept the cheering " bits from "It's Thanksgiving"

Geekygirl4everme 5 hours ago
Annoying and a really bad example on what kids should be doing. Skip rope but can you do it with out the representation of drugs and alcohol?

geekygirl4everme otm

can I just

SKIP ROPE
SKIP ROPE
EVERYBODY EVERYBODY DO THE SKIP ROPE

I hope that girl who poured Pixie Stix into her eyes got adequate medical attention

Was nice of them to set up the shooting around Patrice Wilson's day job, though.

MegaJudy7 20 hours ago

These girls are gunna end up on Maury

guilty lol

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWLhrHVySgA

Pppppht.

CJ Fam auditioned for X Factor and apparently made it through to bootcamp, but there's no footage of her audition, only this video

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUuA2U-tHxU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2cQSPRTdhg

lol chill

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVpu6MnXBhQ