Artist-specific music jokes

Q: What did Mark E. Smith say after the marathon?
A: I'm totally tired!

Q: About doing his homework?
A: It's totally required!

Q: To Brix?
A: You're totally fired!

Really, anything that ends in 'ired.' Eh hem.

A: He has a slow hand.

A: Because he doesn't hit on anything over 16.

A: Neil Armstrong walked on the moon.....

....and Michael Jackson fucks kids.

A: Sammy Davis Jr. and Sandy Duncan.

a: michael jackson

So anyway, at the height of his fame Adam Ant visits the set of top British soap opera Coronation Street. As luck would have it, his favourite character Stan Ogden invites to come for a drink in legendary pub the Rover's Return on set. There they proceed to sink a great many pints of fine English ale. More than a little the worse for wear, Adam Ant decides to get one more round in. But as he stands up, he suddenly grips his side and starts moaning terribly. "What is it, mate?" says his companion. Adam starts singing: "Stan, it's my liver..."

/coat

Karen Carpenter's dress-size.

Speaking of people i'd like to pie in the face . . .

How how many how many minimalists how many minimalists does how many minimalists does it how many minimalists does it take how many minimalists does it take to how many minimalists does it take to change how many minimalists does it take to change a how many minimalists does it take to change a lightbulb?

"Yep," said the doctor, "he's bats, all right."

"You've got to do something!" exclaimed the other members of the band.
"Check him into the rubber room, innit?"

"I'm afraid I can't do that," said the doctor with a sad look in his eye.

"But you must!" exclaimed the band, "Otherwise we'll never get sleep again!"

"I'm afraid a higher power has forbidden it, lads." The doctor grabbed his Bible and patted it. "It says explicitly, 'Thou shalt not commit a Daltrey'."

What's yellow and lives off dead Beatles? [worse; racist]

Haha drummers aren't proper musicians [worst of all]

...

cf: I contributed to a similar thread recently and asked the readers of The Friday Thing to join in. Only I'd been duped by the editor into thinking it had a readership greater than that of a tiny college magazine (i.e. over1000) and so couldn't understand why no-one added to it. I looked a real chumpo. Writers beware!

John Lennon.

Flick the lights on and off.

"that Sparks joke is total and utter genius. i'm laughing myself into a stupor right now.
-- ken taylrr (or...), September 30th, 2004."

Sorry to piss on your parade MP, but he got it off Viz magazine.

A: Militia Etheridge!

And a ladyshave for the other leg.

B'dum Tish.

Limp Bizkit

It's Christmas time, and U2 have lined up a series of enormous charity gigs. They get together on the day of the first gig to soundcheck and Bono notices that The Edge is looking a bit peaky.
"What's the matter The Edge?" he says.

"Ah look it's nothing Bono" says the guitarist, "It's just - you know that Japanese promotional tour we did last week, right? I think I picked up something, it might be some kind of flu, I'm feeling pretty bad."

"Well, The Edge," replies Bono, "if you want to pull out of the gigs you just say so."

Edge shakes his head. "No, no, no way Bono. These gigs are important to me - I've got to think of the children, not my aching guts."

"That's the spirit The Edge", says Bono, and so that night they take the stage. They play all the hits and the crowd are loving it. For a big climax, because it's for charity, they're going to perform "Do They Know It's Christmas?", but as they get going on the song Edge suddenly feels very ill indeed, and he turns, drops his guitar and sprints towards the back of the stage. But he doesn't quite make it and he throws up, all over Larry Mullen Jr. and his drumkit.

"Jaysis The Edge!" yells Larry, "Those are brand new drums! What the hell are you doing?"

Poor Edge is mortified. "Aw Larry, I - I - I couldn't help myself, I'm so sorry, it's this flu."

Bono calls a band meeting after the gig. "The Edge, that was disgusting, I don't think you should be playing tomorrow night, you know, you're not well."

"No, Bono, it won't happen again, honestly, I'm so sorry - and you know, the show must go on."

So Bono agrees and when the gig kicks off the next night Edge is up there on stage, riffing away. The gig's going really well, no problems, but then as "Do They Know It's Christmas" starts Edge begins to feel sick. He desperately tries to hold it down but it's no good, and makes a dash for the side of the stage, only getting as far as Adam Clayton, who he vomits over. Copiously.

"Me best leather waistcoat!" howls Adam Clayton, "The Edge you're more beast than man!"

Edge is white as a sheet. "Oh no, Adam, I'm sorry, I couldn't be more sorry."

Bono is furious after the gig. "The Edge you've gone too far this time, you've ruined another gig. I've just been on the phone to Sting, he can fill in tomorrow, you've got to rest up."

Edge is almost in tears, "Please Bono no, this gig means so much to me, I know I've got it all out my system now, I'll be great tomorrow I promise, you have to let me play."

"OK The Edge one last chance, but if there's any more antics like the last two nights then that's it, the end, you're out of U2."

The next day Edge takes lots of vitamins and he's feeling fine. The gig starts and it's amazing, the best U2 gig ever, even "Discotheque" sounds alright. Bono's really pleased, Edge is happy. They start "Do They Know It's Christmas" and Bono moves over to stand shoulder to shoulder with his buddy and realy belt the tune out. Suddenly Edge doesn't feel too good. His face is contorting, he's struggling like mad but it's no use - he turns to Bono with a look of desperation and suddenly hacks up an enormous greenie right in Bono's face.

The song stops. Edge is paralysed with horror - "Bono I can explain, I'm truly sorry, you can't believe how sorry I am."

Bono wipes the snot off, turns to Edge, and says

"Well, tonight thank God it's phlegm instead of spew."

I just remembered that from an old National Lampoon.

A: He just heard that Stevie Wonder is black.

Man : Doc, I can't stop singing Tom Jones songs! It's taking over my life! What can I do?
Doctor : Well, it sounds like you've got a dose of Tom Jones-itis.
Man : Is it serious?
Doctor : It's not unusual.

B'dum Tish.

A friend of mine had this variant back in the day: Paul McCartney went down on one knee this week. Or, as the rest of us know her, ...

Gee, you knit?

Billy AND Rikki needed to do better contact management imo

What do you call a Genesis song about a Swedish taxi?

ABBAcab

I remember when Smash Hits interviewed King frontman Paul King and they asked him what his favourite album and single was of recent times. He said Love by the Cult and "Pride" by U2.

... errrrr, is that a joke?

Yes I made it up

But those are what his heart yearned for now

what did paul simon say to susanna hoffs watching birds migrate south over the late autumn outdoor music festival VIP section skies?

I don't know, qualmsley, what did paul simon say to susanna hoffs watching birds migrate south over the late autumn outdoor music festival VIP section skies?

it's a hazy shade of cameron

Why was Whitney Houston so good at video games?
Because she had great HAND EYYYYYEEEEE-EEE-EYE CO-ORDINATIOOOOO EEE OOO EEEE OOOON

The title 'It's Not Right (But It's Okay)' always reminds me of something Bruce Forsyth might say on Play Your Cards Right, consoling a contestant's incorrect guess of Lower before reminding them that the Brucie Bonus is still to play for

It was definitely a "catchphrase" employed by Roy Walker: "It's good, but it's not right"

Yeah, that song *always* reminded me of that...

https://i0.wp.com/lovebelfast.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/catchphrase.png

(xp) Beat me to it!

It's in the delivery tho - "It's not right, but it's (spoken higher) okay, you've still got Brucie's Bonus to play for'

Did you hear about how Naughty By Nature is recording a new album? Here's the catch though - all the lyrics are generated by machine learning.

it's Hip Hop Hoor-A! I! A! I!

What do you call a Mamas and the Papas song about a fledgling magician that took two tries to pull off his signature trick?

I Saw Her Again

lol

What did Steve Winwood do when he failed to let go of the bowling ball after he threw it?

Roll with it

What did Steve yell during sex that caused his wife Nicole to divorce him?

Valerie!

What did Steve angrily yell at the Renaissance fair owner who wouldn't hire his friend to joust?

"Don't You Know What the Knight Can Do?"

Why did it take Steve Winwood so long to release a solo album?

He was stuck in Traffic

Lol

What kind of boat carries two of every piece of scuba equipment?

The ark of a diver.

What's Steve's Monopoly strategy?

If you see a Chance, take it

(lol apparently I've had that lyric wrong for years)

why did the lead singer of the contortions slap Psychic TV’s Genesis p-orridge?

he forced the hand of chance