The Interior Life of Noel Gallagher: A Speculative History

Noel sighed. This past year he'd scarcely commented on music. He was a busy father. "Doing nappies and all that malarkey," he thought.

He stood up from his chair and realised thousands of years had passed since he sat down to watch a film about The Who. Outside the window wars raged between the corporations that now controlled vast robots. Noel pulled the curtains.

"Fuck I'd really like a findus crispy pancake," he said to himself.

Noel Gallagher roared down the streets of Neo-Tokyo on his hi-tech motorbike. "Fookin' shite music, this," he thought to himself, "all I can fookin' hear is banging". It sounded like that rubbish The Mockney was going on about these days. Chinese operas. Fucking poncey art student wank. He had no time for that bollocks now.

He stopped briefly at a crossing in the middle of the city's main shopping district to look at a holographic billboard. It read, "THE WHO ARE TOP". He solemnly nodded, and off he went again.

There was something bugging him, something needling his mind. Something was a bit off. What was it? As he soared down the majestic freeways that criscrossed the northwestern zones of the city he kept trying to remember something, something he had to make sure... make sure what?

He didn't get any farther in thinking when he heard his brother's voice. "NOOOOOOEEEEEEEL!" he screeched.
Noel grimaced. What was he fucking playing at now? The nonce.
"NOOOOOOEEEEEEL!" screeched Liam again.
"Christ!" thought Noel. "What d'yer want?" he shouted out.

Liam's enormous, swollen mass swang into view from behind some skyscrapers. He was just an enormous bag of psychically disfigured flesh now, muscle and bone slicing their way through the buildings ahead, crushing the people living inside.

Noel's stomach lurched. He braked hard and flew off his bike. He lay panting on the freeway, eyes wide. That was proper fucked, that. Proper fucked. He staggered to his feet and nearly fell down again - he'd gone and fucked his leg coming off. He painfully stumbled towards his bike, the Liam-thing screeching Noel's name again and again. Out of the superbike he grabbed his big fuck-off gun - he had to kill him. Kill that fucker. He was an obscenity now.

Noel balanced the enormous laser cannon on his shoulder. He took aim - right between the eyes. Fired. An immense wave of gore and viscera exploded out of Liam's face, and headed straight for Noel. "Bollocks," he thought. "Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks."

The moment the wave hit, Noel suddenly found himself in a hotel room in London. A journalist was interviewing him. She looked like a nice girl. Big tits. Noel shook off the lingering weirdness of the hallucination and tried to listen to her questions, but all that came out of her mouth sounded like them teachers from that Peanuts cartoon.

"Wahhh wahhhh wahh wahwahwahhhhh," she said.

Noel was about to ask her to repeat that when he suddenly remembered what was bothering him during the initial stages of the Neo-Tokyo episode. Your baby. You must make sure your baby is safe.

"Fookin' 'ell," cried Noel, leaping up out of his chair and running over to the crib. He saw a mound of blankets. Ah. It must be asleep under there. He sighed with relief and lifted up the blankets to see its head. Underneath said blankets was an oven-ready chicken in a nappy.

As Noel tried to form some kind of word, or at least an urgent sounding noise, the Liam-thing's enormous bug-eyed head crashed into the side of the hotel, sending half of the building smashing down onto the ground. "You FOOKIN' NONCE!" screamed Noel.

"Stop it, you nonce! Fookin' STOP!"

But Noel could not stop Liam. His younger brother was intent on riding the burning unicorn into the concrete sarcophagus of Chernobyl.

"The minute he hits the walls," shouted Kryten from Red Dwarf, "It's all over!"

Noel could only stand and watch in horror as his crazy, reckless fuck of a brother smashed through the walls. In an instant, the entire power plant bonded with Liam's body and soul, the two merging into Liam Ultimate, a twenty mile high being made of radioactive debris. He opened his mouth and out came a beautiful, cleansing fire.

"We've got to reform," blubbed Noel into the receiver. "It'll be like the old days. D'yer remember the old days? They were great. Everything was better then. Everything was better."

"I don't know who this is, but you can fuck off for calling me at 3 fucking AM," shouted Robbie Fowler. Click.

Liam Ultimate was lecturing the young unicorns on the importance of sacrificing themselves in times of war. Kryten from Red Dwarf was smothering Noel with a pillow. "Shhhhhhh," whispered Kryten. Noel struggled under Kryten's powerful hold.

Noel threw the duvet off the bed. "Who is this?" said a woman in Kent who he had somehow dialled on his mobile. "Hello? Hello?"

Noel held the screen of the mobile up close to his eyes. So bright and pure... like a cleansing fire....

Then the screen switched itself off. He dropped the phone and scrambled underneath the duvet on the floor, trying to shield himself from the many Paul Wellers staring through the window.

a+ for second one

Liam Ultimate, a twenty mile high being made of radioactive debris

An immense wave of gore and viscera exploded out of Liam's face, and headed straight for Noel. "Bollocks," he thought. "Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks."

these are fucking amazing, GREAT 2011 revive

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/football_focus/9462589.stm

Noel Gallagher has threatened to pull out all the hairs from ex-Manchester United full-back Gary Neville’s moustache with his teeth.

The former Oasis man made the threat after he discovered that Neville had written on his Twitter page, Twitter.com/GNev2: "'While we're living the dreams we have as children fade away'. Not if you support United!". The first half of the tweet is a lyric from 'Fade Away', one of the B-sides to Oasis’ 'Cigarettes & Alcohol' single.

When alerted to this, Gallagher responded in typically forthright fashion last night (May 10), telling The Sun: "I feel violated. If Mr Neville continues to use the holy scriptures of Oasis to communicate with the Cockney massive, I shall be forced to come up to Cheshire in the middle of the night and break into his house."

Sun's original copy far more enlightening:

IT has been a while since NOEL GALLAGHER served up one of his razor-sharp verbal volleys.

Mr Angry ... Noel Gallagher
Dave Hogan
But GARY NEVILLE is just the kind of comedy character to spark the full force of a Scud missile from the former OASIS hero.

Earlier this week Gary took the liberty of quoting Noel's classic track Fade Away on Twitter after Manchester United all but wrapped up the Premier League title.

He wrote: "'While we're living, the dreams we have as children fade away.' Not if you support United!"

Like little Gary playing the offside trap, it has gone pear-shaped.

Here is Manchester City fanatic Mr N Gallagher's response:

"I feel violated. If Mr Neville continues to use the holy scriptures of Oasis to communicate with the Cockney massive, I shall be forced to come up to Cheshire in the middle of the night, break into his house, tie him to a chair, make him listen to the Best Of Simply d(Red)ful while I pull his tash out one grey hair at a time (with my teeth), liberate those Oasis CDs and s*** in his manbag. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED..."

The Interior Life of Paul Scholes

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-13752688

Honestly, it's as if Noel's trying to prove this thread wrong or something.

http://www.holymoly.com/music/news/noel-gallagher-announces-release-his-debut-solo-album57904

Noel's debut album as a solo artist was recorded in London and completed in Los Angeles during 2010 and the first half of 2011. It was co-produced by Noel and David Sardy, with whom Noel has worked Previously. It features ten brand new tracks. Guests on the album include Crouch End Festival Chorus and The Wired Strings.

A second album, a companion to the above but as yet untitled, was recorded in the UK this year and is now complete. This album is the result of Noel's continued collaboration with the Amorphous Androgynous, and will be released in 2012. Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds will tour this autumn, subsequent to the release of their eponymous album.

"There isn't a guitar solo on it till the 6th track. It's not fucking guitar hero.

"Some of it's vaudeville, some if it's space jazz, some of it's kraut rock. And that's just the first track."

Derek Smalls to thread.

sounds like nobhead music to me

http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/music/interviews/a345222/noel-gallagher-interview-i-dont-want-to-hear-adeles-album.html

What would you be doing now if you weren't talking to us?

"If I get a day off I'd just be mooching about the house. I don't like to do a great deal. Smoke some cigarettes, strum the guitar."

"Pick the kids up from school."

"Who cares what's number one anymore? Just be thankful we lived in the '90s."

This is very funny and could potentially be a great book.

― Les centimètres énigmatiques (snoball), Thursday, September 9, 2010 1:44 PM (1 year ago) Bookmark

w/ plenty of accompanying photos of Noel appearing annoyed and/or mildly bemused.

find a photo of anything but tbph

cartoons/art

Can't wait for partner site paulscholesweb.com:

We literally bumped into that top Scientologist Katie Holmes on the way into the studio. We came out of the lift and BANG, there she was.

Now at this point my mate, and friend of the stars, Scully was doing a bit of filming for my website and managed to capture the moment. She did look a bit miffed at the various North-West accents and some vigorous handshaking, but there was no need to send one of her people over to demand the video be deleted!!!! Un-fuckin'-believable.

We didn't let it spoil the day though. And what a day. Loved it.

'We were brought up under Thatcher,’ Noel Gallagher is saying.

'There was a work ethic – if you were unemployed, the obsession was to find work.

'Now, these kids brought up under the Labour Party and whatever this Coalition thing is, it’s like, “Forget that, I’m not interested. I wanna be on TV.” It was a different mindset back then.’

‘Under Thatcher, who ruled us with an iron rod,’ he says, ‘great art was made. Amazing designers and musicians. Acid house was born. Very colourful and progressive.

He never would have visited Number 10 if John Major had invited him, he says. But, it turns out, he will be sending his sons to private school.

‘I don’t want them coming home speaking like Ali G,’ he explains. ‘Anyone in my position, you owe it to your children to send them to a school where they don’t have to walk through a metal detector in the morning.

'There were riot police outside our local school the other morning. Turns out there’d been a stabbing. Rival gangs. We shouldn’t need riot police at schools. This is Maida Vale. This isn’t Handsworth or Tottenham, do you know what I mean? I don’t want my kids going to a school like that. I’d rather they were at a school with Russian oligarchs’ children.’

Up until the last election, I voted Labour all my life,’ he says. ‘But I’ve lost all faith in the Labour Party. After the expenses scandal and what happened with the banks – that “There’s no money left” note and all that – I just look at them and think the Labour Party should really be ashamed of themselves for the way they let the country down. I voted for a pirate at the last election.’

he's a cunt. he's always been a cunt. he will always be a cunt. cunts will always love and defend him. cunts.

also he's thick as bigshit, and about two inches tall. i saw him last year standing outside waitrose in marylebone high street, nervously waiting for his chauffeur with his shit-brown rolls royce. he looked like a puny thunderbirds villain with his strings cut.

Turns out there’d been a stabbing. Rival gangs. We shouldn’t need riot police at schools.

hmmmn fair enough rite?

This is Maida Vale. This isn’t Handsworth or Tottenham, do you know what I mean?

oh rite just /those/ schools with those.....different ppl

'Now, these kids brought up under the Labour Party and whatever this Coalition thing is, it’s like, “Forget that, I’m not interested. I wanna be on TV.” It was a different mindset back then.’

I feel like someone should play Mr Gallagher the lyrics to his own song "Rock N Roll Star" from his very first album? How quickly people forget.

I feel like someone should play Mr Gallagher the lyrics to his own song "Rock N Roll Star" from his very first album? How quickly people forget.

but he worked so hard under Thatcher to get there, robbing houses iirc

can't believe our most forward-thinking and exploratory musician is a social reactionary on the quiet

When you say "quiet" ...

'There was a work ethic – if you were unemployed, the obsession was to find work.

'Now, these kids brought up under the Labour Party and whatever this Coalition thing is, it’s like, “Forget that, I’m not interested. I wanna be on TV.” It was a different mindset back then.’

... we were absolutely determined to roadie for the Inspiral Carpets, no matter what barriers society put in front of us

But, joking aside, he was lucky enough to grow up in an era when you could bumble about on the dole for years getting a band together or whatever else that twat was doing at the time

We were all of us in the gutter, some of us were looking up at the La's...

(thang yew, I am on Paypal..)

Shooting for the (Clint) Boon

http://louderthanwar.com/featured/it-was-better-under-thatcher-noel-gallagher-misquoted-by-the-mail

the thatcher quote was by no means the most egregious quote in the interview

While short of his younger brother’s stage presence, he’s not short of charm – bantering with the front row about Man City’s Mario Balotelli and Liverpool squeaking through against Cardiff on penalties just hours earlier in the Carling Cup Final.

http://londonist.com/2012/02/music-review-nowl-gallagher-o2.php

i've read this whole thread thinking it was about liam

It suits Liam more than Noel imo

The Interior Life Of Liam Gallagher:

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r0nan endlessly otm <3

<3 this thread so so much

"I haven't seen him," Liam said. "It's very hush-hush round his camp." While he still has lots to say about football, Noel has scarcely commented on music over the past year. He is a busy father, "doing nappies and all that malarkey".

malarkey

― NI, Friday, 7 January 2011 11:51 (1 year ago)

his spot on alan carr last night p much confirmed this thread

It were good, it.

what are you going to do no that you're taing a year off?

I can make a tesco shop last all day, me. Just spend all day, shopping.

Still nowhere near on-point if it was Liam

Noel Gallagher criticises Muse drummer for smoking an electronic cigarette

"There are no characters left in the music business. When we first started going there was a healthy percentage of people, and we were all dirt-kickers from council estates, and we all couldn’t believe our luck that we were at the Brits. You go in now and everybody is a careerist. It’s very corporate, and you know what I’ve actually seen people doing at the Brits? Eating. I saw the drummer from Muse smoking an electronic cigarette. A cigarette with a battery in. I had to say to him: ‘Really? Really? Is that where you are at? Do me a favour mate, either have a proper one outside, or don’t have one.’ It lit up green when he had a drag of it. Nonsense. He said that immortal line – ‘Oh you know how it is mate’. And I said ‘I’m sorry mate, I actually don’t.’

Gallagher continued his outspoken views on the ceremony, calling the night "instantly forgettable" and rallying against young people who wear hats.