You're in a time machine and you have to end Elton John's career in a maximum of ten ways...

This is a really really silly thread!!!! So here's some really really silly suggestions!!!!

Instead of that Taupin chappie, get his lyrics done by... Van Dyke Parks!!!!!

Go back in time to meet that chappie that invented the work "rocket", an convince him that it should be called "pillock" instead. Thus Elton's early 70s smash becomes "Pillock Man"!!!!!

Move forward in time to 30s America, and change the name on Norma Jean's birth certificate!!!! She's going to change it to Marilyn Monroe anyway, so we could change her original name to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch Constantinople-Featherstonehaugh-Smythe-Alyiousus Jean, which would certainly muck up the first line of Elt's "Candle in the Wind"!!!!!

Kidnap Kiki Dee before she's due to record "Don't Go Breaking My Heart", and suggest Pam Ayres as a replacement!!!!

When he starts going bald in the late 70s, suggest starts wearing a long haired wig, so he looks cool, like one of those folks from Emmerson Lake and Palmer!!!!! (Make sure you do this in the week after that first NME review about the Sex Pistols!!!!!)

Surreptiously inject his legs with local anaesthetic just before the video shoot for "I'm Still Standing"!!!!!!

For the video for "Nikita", do a compilation of speeches by Nikita Kruschev!!!!!

Rewrite Avid Merrion's sketches about Elton John in "Bo Selecta!!!!" so that they're actually a searing satire on Elton, and even have one or two jokes in them!!!!!!!

So there you have it!!!! Mind you, it might make him an even bigger star than before!!!!!

Hmmm- funny formatting malarkey going on here!!!!!

"So there you have it..." was supposed to be on a different line!!!!