Real England

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where is it and what does it look like

Nigel Farage is a fucking hero (nakhchivan), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:12 (ten years ago) link

Raymond Williams says somewhere that most people who live in it live in quite small towns, but there is next to no significant literature about same.

Of course he was writing before Midsomer Murders aired.

http://i1.trekearth.com/photos/64476/dscf1947scrsfr.jpg

^^^wiltshire apparently (i'm not sure i know where wiltshire actually is) < /the lex >

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:16 (ten years ago) link

i don't know how the demographics break down now but i wd say that a significant majority at least want to live in quite small towns. also i suspect quite small towns are increasingly really dissipated cities.

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:19 (ten years ago) link

Anyone bothered with Paul Kingsnorth's book on this very subject?

Lars and the Lulu Girl (NickB), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:21 (ten years ago) link

but y'knaa this whole problematic word "Real" - is this intended sarcastically, like is this thread about "what are the sort of people who use the phrase 'Real England' talking about?" or are we positing a defining core of Englishness that has history and still survives however tenuous?

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:21 (ten years ago) link

i think it would be facetious to pretend the issue can be approached entirely unfacetiously

Nigel Farage is a fucking hero (nakhchivan), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:22 (ten years ago) link

i was not aware of paul kingsnorth but now i see he has written a book called real england colon something else, i would guess it isn't the only book/treatise/pamphlet with similar title

Nigel Farage is a fucking hero (nakhchivan), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:23 (ten years ago) link

work filter has thoughtfully blocked access to my first google search result, some blog with the delightfully making-me-want-to-stab-the-author subtitle "The Battle Against the Bland". i assure you guys if there is a Real England it is not battling against The Bland and that is an excellent virtue in itself.

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:24 (ten years ago) link

oh right, that is the subtitle of Kingsnorth's book. okay then i will probably never read it since i infer from the book's post-colonage that the guy is a big douche.

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:24 (ten years ago) link

the usual English attention to the wrong details

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:25 (ten years ago) link

and some sadness for stuff passing that has not passed or was not what he claims it was before it passed

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:26 (ten years ago) link

is john terry 'real england' dyou suppose

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:27 (ten years ago) link

i infer from the book's post-colonage that the guy is a big douche.

― Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:24 (1 minute ago)

h but f, nv, h but f

basically i was looking at the squad list for peterbrough town and noticed ryan tunnicliffe and lee frecklington and thought maybe those names were shibboleths that uttered in a certain way might usher you into the innermost real england

Nigel Farage is a fucking hero (nakhchivan), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:27 (ten years ago) link

http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01185/arts-graphics-2008_1185572a.jpg

the city hobgoblin as a good place to start! (of course he said british not english, right, re the wrong detail)

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:35 (ten years ago) link

"... heir to an immense fortune, gifted by nature with a mind susceptible of noble cultivation, and a body endowed with admirable physical powers with the wretched drunkard who died in a gaol at the age of thirty-eight, a worn-out debauchee and drivelling sot... " <-- i am this very second ensconced in the village that surnamed this regency rake, tho he mainly lived on the other side of shrewsbury

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:41 (ten years ago) link

nigel farage isn't real btw, he speaks for only his own constituency, which is seldom more than symbolic

is there a real england that is incapable of any sort of assimilation into colonned literature? a planar england that resists signification or commodification by interlopers from other englands

Nigel Farage is a fucking hero (nakhchivan), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:43 (ten years ago) link

south dublin iirc

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:44 (ten years ago) link

leatherhead is a promotory over a large and brackish inland sea that is never spoken of

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:45 (ten years ago) link

beneath the leylines, the true underground

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:46 (ten years ago) link

"Winter, 1981: the headless, skinned bodies of two bears are found by the River Lea."

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:51 (ten years ago) link

real england is all mates and and blood sausage and big bottomed birds reading thew newsie-wewsies

max, Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:57 (ten years ago) link

nah it's hedgerows and birds and complete lack of public services

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 14:08 (ten years ago) link

Oh it's all about the public services nowadays; a bus to take you into town so you can spend all night trawling the happy hour bars, a streetcleaner to mop up your vomit from the pavement, a policeman to give you a place to spend the night. No-one needed public services when an evening's entertainment consisted of watching the sun set over a russet autumnal hedgerow, lulled into a reverie by the carefree birdsong.

ceci n'est pas un nom d'affichage (ledge), Thursday, 3 November 2011 14:17 (ten years ago) link

http://www.photohistory-sussex.co.uk/UckFrisbyPiltdown03.jpg

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 14:19 (ten years ago) link

"Searching for the Putdown Man"

ceci n'est pas un nom d'affichage (ledge), Thursday, 3 November 2011 14:21 (ten years ago) link

is there a real england that is incapable of any sort of assimilation into colonned literature? a planar england that resists signification or commodification by interlopers from other englands

Interesting question which I wish I could answer.

Ned Trifle X, Thursday, 3 November 2011 14:29 (ten years ago) link

I don't know if I would like that England even.

Ned Trifle X, Thursday, 3 November 2011 14:29 (ten years ago) link

is there a culture that can't be commodified? and i have to be v. v. careful not to paint my cultures, or the cultures i've drifted along the fringes of, as the only real England. the problem is that the word is usually only spoken out loud by a certain kind of cultural capitalist, whose vision of it is just as tangential as mine. bullshit about fair play and honest toil and love of the land that i'd counter with a nation of sneak thiefs, factionalists and urban wastrels. the contestedness is always part of the Reality of the nation, any nation really.

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:39 (ten years ago) link

for every sleepy Sunday C of E-attending agnostic Tory there's an apocalypse-welcoming hair-splitting anabaptist

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:41 (ten years ago) link

Everywhere north of Enfield is basically a wasteland isn't it? Brrrr... Nothing there. Just a man collecting lumps of mud and putting them into a cloth bag.

Glo-Vember (dog latin), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:42 (ten years ago) link

yeah but the determination of that which is essential need not be a question of mere majorities

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:43 (ten years ago) link

everybody shd read The Uses of Literacy to see how you can constructively get this wrong in a way that doesn't just mourn real heritage centres. obv Williams and E.P. Thompson and Stuart Hall too

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:43 (ten years ago) link

the determination of that which is essential need not be a question of mere majorities

quite so, how about the British Isles then as a dumping ground/refugee camp/Wild West for Europe and parts south-east, over millenia, fuelling endless negotiation and conflict over territory, and that is the quicksand underneath Real England that we think of as bedrock?

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:46 (ten years ago) link

look mate there's no need to get fucking personal, alright

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:49 (ten years ago) link

btw if i was gonna put forward one Real England it wd be old photographs of works sports teams or outings or other ceremonial jollies

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:49 (ten years ago) link

it would be the commie permawheezing mustachioed drunk one in tinker tailor, tho no doubt they'd have you b'leev it's smiley or haydon

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:52 (ten years ago) link

wait haydon was the commie?

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:54 (ten years ago) link

SPOILERS

nah think he was the aesthete on a protest against the yanks more than anything else, wasn't the dude ciaran hinds played proper lefty in stated methods tho

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:56 (ten years ago) link

the sparking point of Real England is where the plummy port-swilling foxhunter runs up against the chippy millenarian work-dodger and we drink each others' health and promise ourselves deep down that one day our kind will crush theirs

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:57 (ten years ago) link

the phoenicians sailed up round to albion to trade tin for spice before the romans had even got out of bed, and if they weren't trading with aboriginal pre-celt and pre-pict inhabitants, then it was certainly aboriginal+1: an island of proto-druid shopkeepers since time immaterial

stonehenge is actually a kind of cashpoint machine

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:58 (ten years ago) link

xp

oh, Roy Bland. yeah Bland is the angry Puritan I've been talking about, defending his country so's his people can crush the effete Squire class one day

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:59 (ten years ago) link

but mark, who's to say the aborigines hadn't hopped off the boat from Boulogne just ahead of the celts themselves and so on and so forth??

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 16:00 (ten years ago) link

irish close to turks dna-wise iirc

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 16:03 (ten years ago) link

i think that's exactly what mark is saying, tbf

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 16:04 (ten years ago) link

Of all the Tribe of Tegumai
Who cut that figure, none remain
On Merrow Down the cuckoos cry
The silence and the sun remain

xp he's called smiley, he has to be of outlander extraction

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 16:13 (ten years ago) link

^ I wasn't at that FAP

R. Stornoway (Tom D.), Thursday, 3 November 2011 16:34 (ten years ago) link

clun forest all-mercian jug band champions, tractor runs on wattle and daub

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 16:34 (ten years ago) link

never get away with haircuts like that up in the Danelaw

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 16:36 (ten years ago) link

was hoping mark s would share his memories of strange pleasures at the morris hall, shrewsbury tbh

o shit the sheriff (NickB), Monday, 7 February 2022 15:52 (three months ago) link

the worst thing is i actually remember that programme

Reader, I buried him (Noodle Vague), Monday, 7 February 2022 15:55 (three months ago) link

(xp) Strange Pleasures or strange pleasures? Or both...

Bastards of Fish (Tom D.), Monday, 7 February 2022 15:58 (three months ago) link

It's Kipper at the Windmill Inn, Humberstone, nr. Leicester for me

Surely not...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5sF4eqgLs4

The White Hot Stamper With Issues (Matt #2), Monday, 7 February 2022 16:49 (three months ago) link

Lol classic movie

Reader, I buried him (Noodle Vague), Monday, 7 February 2022 16:50 (three months ago) link

gnna ask my sister abt the morris hall: i don't remember ever being in or even looking from the main thoroughfare through into the little courtyard that leads up to i!: i seem to have strangely incurious abt this enclosure given that i've many times walked the streets on all sides of it and was as a teenager always weirdly into the town's proud medieval bullshit (which is everywhere; this place is 14th century, or some bits of it are).

i certainly wasn't aware it was ever routinely a venue! it looks fragile and ill-suited to the pogo! but by 1979 i was off at college and i guess becky might have seen stuff there? apparently (according to the website) there's some sandstone topping the walls by the stairs up to it which was once in the garden of "shrewsbury’s greatest son" charles darwin, which fuck you dude i'm standing right here

mark s, Monday, 7 February 2022 19:16 (three months ago) link

... not to mention Derek Smalls.

Bastards of Fish (Tom D.), Monday, 7 February 2022 19:53 (three months ago) link

https://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/uk-news/primark-explains-its-been-stuffing-23031047

not actually sure if this belongs itt tbh, it's more like a MCU/HAY BACON YOU GUYS vibe

kinder, Wednesday, 9 February 2022 18:51 (three months ago) link

The proposed new logo for Great British Railways looks eye-bleedingly awful https://t.co/5hl5qySL30 pic.twitter.com/gPyN5XZOXD

— Chris Applegate (@chrisapplegate) February 10, 2022

This is the age... of the train.

koogs, Thursday, 10 February 2022 16:07 (three months ago) link

Britain https://t.co/RDo7Pc6tDe

— Duncan Robinson (@duncanrobinson) February 16, 2022

(i was on that exact train 3 weeks ago!)

koogs, Thursday, 17 February 2022 11:50 (three months ago) link

disappointing lack of a "boi-oi-oing!" in that story

mark s, Thursday, 17 February 2022 12:35 (three months ago) link

Tom's train trounces a trampoline on the tracks

chip? (Matt #2), Thursday, 17 February 2022 12:57 (three months ago) link

pic.twitter.com/iqI8eaGAnn

— Mental UK Headlines (@MentalHeadline) February 18, 2022

calzino, Friday, 18 February 2022 07:23 (three months ago) link

Was it a footlong?

Being cheap is expensive (snoball), Friday, 18 February 2022 10:07 (three months ago) link

Turned on Radio 2 for 30 seconds. Vine read out a message from a listener saying, "I have no family. When I die it'll be weeks, months or years until anyone notices." Then he played the KLF.

— Lucie Tobin (@msloobylou) February 24, 2022

𝔠𝔞𝔢𝔨 (caek), Thursday, 24 February 2022 15:30 (two months ago) link

Only in Tipton pic.twitter.com/DMaHp4JcKJ

— Tat (@faulknerwolves) February 26, 2022

I have a voulez-vous? with death (Noodle Vague), Saturday, 26 February 2022 17:02 (two months ago) link

Bingo grans BAN Putin drag queen lookalike over war in Ukraine. Only in @thesundaysport pic.twitter.com/tMVZy7rYl6

— Sunday Sport (@thesundaysport) March 5, 2022

Portsmouth Bubblejet, Saturday, 5 March 2022 21:05 (two months ago) link

pic.twitter.com/6pDm00YhZJ

— Luke Bailey (@lukebailey90) March 10, 2022

mark s, Friday, 11 March 2022 13:05 (two months ago) link

no match day footy scran and a pint>>>tino anjorin gone to southampton on a free transfer>>>thermonuclear holocaust

calzino, Friday, 11 March 2022 13:15 (two months ago) link

British ex-Army soldier/merc goes to war in Ukraine, gets hit with rockets/helicopter fire, runs scared into the woods, gets picked up by Ukraine Territorial Defense who torture him thinking he's a Russian spy, gets released, immediately goes back home to the UK. pic.twitter.com/sDpYNr7LYv

— Roberto, Your Friend (@j_bigboote) March 10, 2022

it seems that this "British Lion" had previous experience of some kind of professional army/mercenary thuggery, but it just hadn't prepared him for the type of warfare where armed forces shoot at you with an array of devastating mounted helicopter guns and artillery. The movie adaptation with Sean Bean already cancelled.

calzino, Friday, 11 March 2022 14:02 (two months ago) link

a woebegone prince of wales scanning the front pages every morning to see if THIS is a good news day for the momentous announcement

it is not

mark s, Saturday, 12 March 2022 11:33 (two months ago) link

soon it will be ten years

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/b/b7/Bolon_Yokte%27_K%27uh.jpg

mark s, Saturday, 12 March 2022 11:39 (two months ago) link

It has to be this thread, doesn’t it

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/money/katie-investigates/jailed-paedophile-premier-inn-denied-107-refund/
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FOXjpxmWYAEm4AE?format=png&name=360x360

Unfortunately for the writer, the journalist he was writing to googled him. All the same though, ugh.

Dear Katie,

In 2019 I booked to stay at a Premier Inn for six nights, paying in full on arrival. I was standing trial at a Crown Court following a false accusation dating back 30 years.

I had no idea how long the trial might go on. It lasted just four days and the verdict did not go my way (juries sometimes get it wrong). I was sent down for four years.

As it was not possible to ring the Premier Inn from my prison cell to cancel the two remaining nights, I had my solicitor do this for me. It was too late for the first unused night to be refunded, but a refund for the second night for £107.50 was expected. I was released from prison on probation two years later, and for the past six months I have been attempting to extract a refund from the Premier Inn, but without success.

It claims it has no trace of the call from my solicitor and argues the call should have been made by me personally within seven days of the booking.

It was galling enough to serve time for a crime I had not committed without Premier Inn trying to profit from my misfortune.

SE, Wiltshire

mardheamac (gyac), Monday, 21 March 2022 21:58 (one month ago) link

Personally I just love making false accusations so that a mere 30 years later a dude can simply be sent to prison for no reason at all

kinder, Monday, 21 March 2022 22:15 (one month ago) link

It’s crazy, right? Zero shame and he got such a short period in jail!

mardheamac (gyac), Monday, 21 March 2022 22:16 (one month ago) link

i'd've thought Rolf Harris could afford not to worry about 100 quid tbh

a spectre is haunting your mom (Noodle Vague), Monday, 21 March 2022 22:28 (one month ago) link

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2022/mar/23/king-of-sheffield-willy-collins-memorial-built-without-permission-council-says

A row has reportedly broken out between a bereaved family and a council after a 37-tonne marble memorial to a former bare-knuckle boxer featuring a solar-powered jukebox was erected in a cemetery in Sheffield.

Sheffield City council said the family of Willy Collins, who died aged 49 in July 2020 after collapsing while on holiday in Majorca, did not seek permission to build the tribute, according to the Sheffield Star.

But the family of Collins, known to many as “Big Willy” Collins and the “King of Sheffield”, have disputed this claim and insist they had permission for the monument, which is adorned with four Irish flags and flanked by two lifesize statues of the late boxer.

It also features images of Jesus Christ and biblical scenes, while the jukebox plays Collins’ favourite tracks.

https://i2-prod.examinerlive.co.uk/incoming/article23435587.ece/ALTERNATES/s615/1_PT_HDE_180322_5.jpg

the nwa list (Matt #2), Wednesday, 23 March 2022 16:28 (one month ago) link

two weeks pass...

This is the worst car I've ever seen in my life pic.twitter.com/DdJsOyP7zp

— Queen is dead (@CansForCastro) April 5, 2022

o shit the sheriff (NickB), Thursday, 7 April 2022 08:29 (one month ago) link

that it's apparently for a design and graphics firm pushes it firmly into the 'based' category tbh

imago, Thursday, 7 April 2022 08:34 (one month ago) link

do we think there's a support ukraine element or nah

very interesting piece by (Bananaman Begins), Thursday, 7 April 2022 10:53 (one month ago) link

my hunch is nah and that the owner has a highly open mind re claims on facebook about ukr bio-warfare labs

very interesting piece by (Bananaman Begins), Thursday, 7 April 2022 10:55 (one month ago) link

A tweet posted on March 27 this year stated 'burgers for dinner?' Below was an image of missing Madeleine and her mother, Kate, alongside text which stated 'with burgers this good, you'll leave your kids at home. What's the worst that could happen?'

In the background, a man was shown running with a smaller image of Madeleine in his hands, said watchdog the Advertising Standards Authority (ASA). Text at the bottom of the post stated 'Happy Mother's Day to all the mums out there'.

Number One shlong in Devon (Noodle Vague), Wednesday, 20 April 2022 08:04 (four weeks ago) link

this is the set-up (tl;dr):

Lord Judge’s speech highlights the contradictory nature of the assurances offered by the government. Either the Commission is independent, or it is not. A ministerial statement cannot both direct the Commission and at the same time not fetter it. Else what’s it for? pic.twitter.com/xXmyTpjb5j

— James B (@piercepenniless) April 28, 2022

mark s, Thursday, 28 April 2022 22:08 (two weeks ago) link

this is the reveal:
his proper name and title is igor judge, baron judge

mark s, Thursday, 28 April 2022 22:08 (two weeks ago) link

pic.twitter.com/nLWM0wDImH

— North Norfolk Police (@NorthNorfPolice) May 2, 2022

𝔠𝔞𝔢𝔨 (caek), Monday, 2 May 2022 16:49 (two weeks ago) link

another light-hearted local tradition is it?

Number One shlong in Devon (Noodle Vague), Monday, 2 May 2022 16:54 (two weeks ago) link

Is.... is that St. John Paul II??? pic.twitter.com/gUKTuEPkhX

— Timothy H.J. Nerozzi 庭夢 (@TimothyNerozzi) May 2, 2022

bulb after bulb, Monday, 2 May 2022 16:55 (two weeks ago) link

I think it's spelled 'potpourri', yeah?

Andy the Grasshopper, Monday, 2 May 2022 16:58 (two weeks ago) link

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FSFzBE7XIAEhem1?format=jpg&name=900x900

CAPTAIN TOM® Seafood Restaurant. Some lovely prints of British Malayan concentration camps on the wall from his old photo album I hear. I presume his grasping family are behind this odious enterprise.

calzino, Saturday, 7 May 2022 11:17 (one week ago) link

There is one in Hornchurch as well.

calzino, Saturday, 7 May 2022 11:18 (one week ago) link

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-tyne-61412523

The show at the Conservative Club in Seaham, County Durham, on 29 April saw blood-soaked performers attack each other with a garden strimmer and glass.

The Colliery Championship Wrestling (CCW) event did not advertise it would be a so-called death match and had offered discounted family tickets.

James Barrass of CCW apologised but said the audience had enjoyed it.

boxedjoy, Thursday, 12 May 2022 17:22 (six days ago) link

From the Guardian story covering the same event.

A video of the event, circulated online, shows children watching a blood-covered wrestler in his underpants using an electric lawn strimmer to cut his opponent, Ronnie Thatcher. Someone watching says: “A strimmer is for cutting grass, not Ronnie Thatcher.”

AlanSmithee, Tuesday, 17 May 2022 07:19 (yesterday) link

https://i.imgur.com/CtEEUlU.png

mark s, Tuesday, 17 May 2022 18:20 (yesterday) link

is that a cave painting

( X '____' )/ (zappi), Tuesday, 17 May 2022 18:59 (yesterday) link

is real england a cave? (ans: yes, yes it is)

mark s, Tuesday, 17 May 2022 19:01 (yesterday) link

like Plato's Cave?

Being cheap is expensive (snoball), Tuesday, 17 May 2022 19:03 (yesterday) link

morbo's cave

mark s, Tuesday, 17 May 2022 19:16 (yesterday) link

courtroom sketch artist adding Dan Dare eyebrows just unfortunately makes him look a bit like Gary Glitter

calzino, Tuesday, 17 May 2022 19:22 (yesterday) link


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