Real England

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where is it and what does it look like

Nigel Farage is a fucking hero (nakhchivan), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:12 (six years ago) Permalink

Raymond Williams says somewhere that most people who live in it live in quite small towns, but there is next to no significant literature about same.

Of course he was writing before Midsomer Murders aired.

http://i1.trekearth.com/photos/64476/dscf1947scrsfr.jpg

^^^wiltshire apparently (i'm not sure i know where wiltshire actually is) < /the lex >

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:16 (six years ago) Permalink

i don't know how the demographics break down now but i wd say that a significant majority at least want to live in quite small towns. also i suspect quite small towns are increasingly really dissipated cities.

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:19 (six years ago) Permalink

Anyone bothered with Paul Kingsnorth's book on this very subject?

Lars and the Lulu Girl (NickB), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:21 (six years ago) Permalink

but y'knaa this whole problematic word "Real" - is this intended sarcastically, like is this thread about "what are the sort of people who use the phrase 'Real England' talking about?" or are we positing a defining core of Englishness that has history and still survives however tenuous?

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:21 (six years ago) Permalink

i think it would be facetious to pretend the issue can be approached entirely unfacetiously

Nigel Farage is a fucking hero (nakhchivan), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:22 (six years ago) Permalink

i was not aware of paul kingsnorth but now i see he has written a book called real england colon something else, i would guess it isn't the only book/treatise/pamphlet with similar title

Nigel Farage is a fucking hero (nakhchivan), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:23 (six years ago) Permalink

work filter has thoughtfully blocked access to my first google search result, some blog with the delightfully making-me-want-to-stab-the-author subtitle "The Battle Against the Bland". i assure you guys if there is a Real England it is not battling against The Bland and that is an excellent virtue in itself.

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:24 (six years ago) Permalink

oh right, that is the subtitle of Kingsnorth's book. okay then i will probably never read it since i infer from the book's post-colonage that the guy is a big douche.

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:24 (six years ago) Permalink

the usual English attention to the wrong details

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:25 (six years ago) Permalink

and some sadness for stuff passing that has not passed or was not what he claims it was before it passed

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:26 (six years ago) Permalink

is john terry 'real england' dyou suppose

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:27 (six years ago) Permalink

i infer from the book's post-colonage that the guy is a big douche.

― Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:24 (1 minute ago)

h but f, nv, h but f

basically i was looking at the squad list for peterbrough town and noticed ryan tunnicliffe and lee frecklington and thought maybe those names were shibboleths that uttered in a certain way might usher you into the innermost real england

Nigel Farage is a fucking hero (nakhchivan), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:27 (six years ago) Permalink

http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01185/arts-graphics-2008_1185572a.jpg

the city hobgoblin as a good place to start! (of course he said british not english, right, re the wrong detail)

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:35 (six years ago) Permalink

"... heir to an immense fortune, gifted by nature with a mind susceptible of noble cultivation, and a body endowed with admirable physical powers with the wretched drunkard who died in a gaol at the age of thirty-eight, a worn-out debauchee and drivelling sot... " <-- i am this very second ensconced in the village that surnamed this regency rake, tho he mainly lived on the other side of shrewsbury

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:41 (six years ago) Permalink

nigel farage isn't real btw, he speaks for only his own constituency, which is seldom more than symbolic

is there a real england that is incapable of any sort of assimilation into colonned literature? a planar england that resists signification or commodification by interlopers from other englands

Nigel Farage is a fucking hero (nakhchivan), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:43 (six years ago) Permalink

south dublin iirc

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:44 (six years ago) Permalink

leatherhead is a promotory over a large and brackish inland sea that is never spoken of

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:45 (six years ago) Permalink

beneath the leylines, the true underground

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:46 (six years ago) Permalink

"Winter, 1981: the headless, skinned bodies of two bears are found by the River Lea."

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:51 (six years ago) Permalink

real england is all mates and and blood sausage and big bottomed birds reading thew newsie-wewsies

max, Thursday, 3 November 2011 13:57 (six years ago) Permalink

nah it's hedgerows and birds and complete lack of public services

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 14:08 (six years ago) Permalink

Oh it's all about the public services nowadays; a bus to take you into town so you can spend all night trawling the happy hour bars, a streetcleaner to mop up your vomit from the pavement, a policeman to give you a place to spend the night. No-one needed public services when an evening's entertainment consisted of watching the sun set over a russet autumnal hedgerow, lulled into a reverie by the carefree birdsong.

ceci n'est pas un nom d'affichage (ledge), Thursday, 3 November 2011 14:17 (six years ago) Permalink

http://www.photohistory-sussex.co.uk/UckFrisbyPiltdown03.jpg

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 14:19 (six years ago) Permalink

"Searching for the Putdown Man"

ceci n'est pas un nom d'affichage (ledge), Thursday, 3 November 2011 14:21 (six years ago) Permalink

is there a real england that is incapable of any sort of assimilation into colonned literature? a planar england that resists signification or commodification by interlopers from other englands

Interesting question which I wish I could answer.

Ned Trifle X, Thursday, 3 November 2011 14:29 (six years ago) Permalink

I don't know if I would like that England even.

Ned Trifle X, Thursday, 3 November 2011 14:29 (six years ago) Permalink

is there a culture that can't be commodified? and i have to be v. v. careful not to paint my cultures, or the cultures i've drifted along the fringes of, as the only real England. the problem is that the word is usually only spoken out loud by a certain kind of cultural capitalist, whose vision of it is just as tangential as mine. bullshit about fair play and honest toil and love of the land that i'd counter with a nation of sneak thiefs, factionalists and urban wastrels. the contestedness is always part of the Reality of the nation, any nation really.

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:39 (six years ago) Permalink

for every sleepy Sunday C of E-attending agnostic Tory there's an apocalypse-welcoming hair-splitting anabaptist

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:41 (six years ago) Permalink

Everywhere north of Enfield is basically a wasteland isn't it? Brrrr... Nothing there. Just a man collecting lumps of mud and putting them into a cloth bag.

Glo-Vember (dog latin), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:42 (six years ago) Permalink

yeah but the determination of that which is essential need not be a question of mere majorities

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:43 (six years ago) Permalink

everybody shd read The Uses of Literacy to see how you can constructively get this wrong in a way that doesn't just mourn real heritage centres. obv Williams and E.P. Thompson and Stuart Hall too

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:43 (six years ago) Permalink

the determination of that which is essential need not be a question of mere majorities

quite so, how about the British Isles then as a dumping ground/refugee camp/Wild West for Europe and parts south-east, over millenia, fuelling endless negotiation and conflict over territory, and that is the quicksand underneath Real England that we think of as bedrock?

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:46 (six years ago) Permalink

look mate there's no need to get fucking personal, alright

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:49 (six years ago) Permalink

btw if i was gonna put forward one Real England it wd be old photographs of works sports teams or outings or other ceremonial jollies

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:49 (six years ago) Permalink

it would be the commie permawheezing mustachioed drunk one in tinker tailor, tho no doubt they'd have you b'leev it's smiley or haydon

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:52 (six years ago) Permalink

wait haydon was the commie?

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:54 (six years ago) Permalink

SPOILERS

nah think he was the aesthete on a protest against the yanks more than anything else, wasn't the dude ciaran hinds played proper lefty in stated methods tho

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:56 (six years ago) Permalink

the sparking point of Real England is where the plummy port-swilling foxhunter runs up against the chippy millenarian work-dodger and we drink each others' health and promise ourselves deep down that one day our kind will crush theirs

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:57 (six years ago) Permalink

the phoenicians sailed up round to albion to trade tin for spice before the romans had even got out of bed, and if they weren't trading with aboriginal pre-celt and pre-pict inhabitants, then it was certainly aboriginal+1: an island of proto-druid shopkeepers since time immaterial

stonehenge is actually a kind of cashpoint machine

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:58 (six years ago) Permalink

xp

oh, Roy Bland. yeah Bland is the angry Puritan I've been talking about, defending his country so's his people can crush the effete Squire class one day

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 15:59 (six years ago) Permalink

but mark, who's to say the aborigines hadn't hopped off the boat from Boulogne just ahead of the celts themselves and so on and so forth??

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 16:00 (six years ago) Permalink

irish close to turks dna-wise iirc

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 16:03 (six years ago) Permalink

i think that's exactly what mark is saying, tbf

blind pele (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 November 2011 16:04 (six years ago) Permalink

Of all the Tribe of Tegumai
Who cut that figure, none remain
On Merrow Down the cuckoos cry
The silence and the sun remain

xp he's called smiley, he has to be of outlander extraction

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 16:13 (six years ago) Permalink

^ I wasn't at that FAP

R. Stornoway (Tom D.), Thursday, 3 November 2011 16:34 (six years ago) Permalink

clun forest all-mercian jug band champions, tractor runs on wattle and daub

mark s, Thursday, 3 November 2011 16:34 (six years ago) Permalink

never get away with haircuts like that up in the Danelaw

Agyness Dei (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 3 November 2011 16:36 (six years ago) Permalink

still, the naked criminality is breathtaking imo

illegal economic migration (Tracer Hand), Sunday, 22 October 2017 10:01 (four weeks ago) Permalink

I am going to abandon my plan to become a drug dealer and try and get into this academy school board of directors hustle. Far more lucrative, and probably almost zero chance of a prison sentence.

calzino, Sunday, 22 October 2017 10:56 (four weeks ago) Permalink

That article seems like it’s barely scratching the surface. No suggestion of fraud?!? Then where did the money go?

El Tomboto, Sunday, 22 October 2017 14:16 (four weeks ago) Permalink

Extremely real sounding hostage situation at bowling alley on Bermuda retail park Nuneaton happening now

IF (Terrorist) Yes, Explain (Bananaman Begins), Sunday, 22 October 2017 17:28 (four weeks ago) Permalink

Bermuda Park leisure complex, rather

IF (Terrorist) Yes, Explain (Bananaman Begins), Sunday, 22 October 2017 17:33 (four weeks ago) Permalink

Sounds like toxic masculinity at play rather than terrorism.

Asked if the gunman was known to staff at the bowling alley, he said: “We believe from what my manageress tells me that he is an ex-husband or a boyfriend of a member of staff. That is what I know. I can’t confirm that for definite.”

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2017/oct/22/hostage-situation-reported-bermuda-park-nuneaton-retail-park-police-ongoing-situation

Dan Worsley, Sunday, 22 October 2017 17:36 (four weeks ago) Permalink

I'm p comfortable calling most terrorism a subset of toxic masculinity tbh

illegal economic migration (Tracer Hand), Sunday, 22 October 2017 17:39 (four weeks ago) Permalink

Not going to argue with that.

Dan Worsley, Sunday, 22 October 2017 17:42 (four weeks ago) Permalink

Quoted tweet using cry-laugh emoji possibly realest thing about this situation, amidst stiff competition

IF (Terrorist) Yes, Explain (Bananaman Begins), Sunday, 22 October 2017 20:08 (four weeks ago) Permalink

wrong cry-laugh emoji for perfect realness tbf

imago, Sunday, 22 October 2017 21:06 (four weeks ago) Permalink

https://i.imgur.com/zwVZFPI.jpg

lefal junglist platton (wtev), Tuesday, 24 October 2017 12:00 (three weeks ago) Permalink

deffo, i once went to the launch of one of these for Jackson's bakery and they gave me a model delivery van and all the red wine i could indiscreetly guzzle

pulled pork state of mind (Noodle Vague), Wednesday, 25 October 2017 08:56 (three weeks ago) Permalink

also Poundworld Plus in Hull currently does blocks of Ritter at 75p a pop and i love them

pulled pork state of mind (Noodle Vague), Wednesday, 25 October 2017 08:57 (three weeks ago) Permalink

I like Iceland's Best Served Cold title best, like maybe don't try this at home.

calzino, Wednesday, 25 October 2017 09:11 (three weeks ago) Permalink

Needless to say he had the last laugh!

nashwan, Wednesday, 25 October 2017 09:22 (three weeks ago) Permalink

When I think of how ruthless and terrible some of the people I've worked for have been, and yet they still weren't quite ruthless + terrible enough to get to the Charlie Mullins level. I'm thinking his book might be used as reference in future academia.

calzino, Wednesday, 25 October 2017 09:37 (three weeks ago) Permalink

Very much looking forward to mark s some day following in this tradition.

Terry Micawber (Tom D.), Wednesday, 25 October 2017 10:10 (three weeks ago) Permalink

"HOT LIKE MY TAKES: a literally impenetrable guide to moral if not financial success (if success it even be)"

mark s, Wednesday, 25 October 2017 10:19 (three weeks ago) Permalink

i hope charlie mullins’ boom expains why he has christmas decorations up outside his headquarters six months out of the twelve in a year.

Fizzles, Wednesday, 25 October 2017 19:36 (three weeks ago) Permalink

book. a “charlie mullins boom” sounds euphemistic. a “brexit bollock”. a touch of the “tim martin mullets”.

Fizzles, Wednesday, 25 October 2017 19:38 (three weeks ago) Permalink

a charlie mullins boom = a period of economic prosperity entirely based on inflated plumbing quotes.

Fizzles, Wednesday, 25 October 2017 19:40 (three weeks ago) Permalink

speaking of which. a while ago on a sunday or bank holiday or something my brother’s wife said do you want a nice chestnut dining table for free. carelessly i said yes and she said ok we just need to pick it up from watford, the other side of london.

i booked a cheap man with a van who we arranged to meet in kentish town for some reason. he was hiding up a side street, he looked flea-bitten, and his van absolutely stank of... well, stale semen, frankly.

once he got moving it became apparent immediately that the brakes didn’t really exist. my brother’s wife wound down a window and clutched v hard to the seat. at one point drive seemed to doze off and nearly crashed into a car in front of us. i murmured to mbw that she could travel home by train if she wanted and she said yes she wanted.

we got to watford eventually and mbw’s sightly weird colleague. she got her husband to help me out with the table. once we’d lifted it up he explained that he shouldn’t really be doing this sort of thing because he’d had an operation recently and was still “stapled together”.

the removal of the table was extremely awkward because it was too large to be taken out of the front door, so we had to carry it around the back down a narrow passageway with a lot of “take it easy mate i’m not feeling too good”.

got it in the van. brother’s wife buggered off to the station and i got back in the van.

on the way back he played a lot of quite good music - wait i shazzam’d some of it, hang on (it was radio and he didn’t know the titles)... rats it doesn’t go back that far. sounded like bhangra.

got back after a comparatively uneventful but still mildly frightening trip. he asked me if i wanted a hand but i said i’d be fine. mbw arrived back and we tried to get it into the house.

too big for the front door. couldn’t get it in. ffs. brother turned up and said wtf are you doing. we explained it was too big. talked about chopping off the legs, cutting it in half or removing the front door. ended up - i can’t remember the reasoning here - calling pimlico plumbers. only ones available on a sunday.

he turned up. measured the table and measured the front door and said nah mate not a chance. he said we can come back tomorrow and remove the doors but even then i’m not sure we’ll get it past the front room.

we all looked at each other. my brother suggested asking the people in the tiny corner shop near us whether they’d look after it. after *much* inconsequential discussion we decided we’d give it one more go.

pushed a bit and it went in. then angled it past the front room and into the central dining room. not a problem. pimlico plumber pissed himself and charged us £120 for a call out fee.

although our stupidity was supreme, i’m still fucked off that he turned up, told us he couldn’t do it, then watched us shove it through and charged £120. unfortunately it feels like a tax on my own incompetence. charlie fuckin mullins.

Fizzles, Wednesday, 25 October 2017 19:57 (three weeks ago) Permalink

Fuck, I would have paid him in pennies. I hate the way the PP website refers to their Electrical services as Electrics, but also I hate myself for when I type p-i into my google bar and the Pimilco plumbing .com address appears. Charlie Mullins O.B.E., appears to operate like a proper disreputable cowboy with the call out charges. And £80 to dispose of white goods is a pisstake as well. Fridges are mostly worthless, but cookers and washing machines left outside are gone in 10 seconds to the scrappers where I live.

calzino, Wednesday, 25 October 2017 20:33 (three weeks ago) Permalink

yeah he’s an absolute arsehole.

Fizzles, Wednesday, 25 October 2017 20:38 (three weeks ago) Permalink

NV did a good post iirc on modern day scrap/rag and bone collectors.

same with me tbh - you can leave stuff outside even for legit council collection and the vans do the rounds first thing in the morning and grab anything they can use.

Fizzles, Wednesday, 25 October 2017 20:40 (three weeks ago) Permalink

Londoners looking to avoid Pimlico Plumbers could do a lot worse than the all-woman workforce of stopcocks.uk

kim jong deal (suzy), Wednesday, 25 October 2017 21:07 (three weeks ago) Permalink

Hah, that's brilliant!

calzino, Wednesday, 25 October 2017 21:18 (three weeks ago) Permalink

Much better than the Sikh builders that used the slogan: You've already tried the Cowboys, now try the Indians.

calzino, Wednesday, 25 October 2017 21:24 (three weeks ago) Permalink

like about 2000 of them, or something.

calzino, Wednesday, 25 October 2017 21:26 (three weeks ago) Permalink

brilliant.

Fizzles, Wednesday, 25 October 2017 21:28 (three weeks ago) Permalink

Londoners looking to avoid Pimlico Plumbers could do a lot worse than the all-woman workforce of stopcocks.uk
― kim jong deal (suzy), Wednesday, October 25, 2017 2:07 PM (thirty-nine minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

that's wonderful

-_- (jim in vancouver), Wednesday, 25 October 2017 21:47 (three weeks ago) Permalink

Let's Catch These Scum For Stealing The Poppy Collection Tin

Never changed username before (cardamon), Friday, 10 November 2017 21:04 (one week ago) Permalink

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DOTAP5bX0AAwYDr.jpg

Roberto Spiralli, Sunday, 12 November 2017 19:25 (one week ago) Permalink

Man 'partially disembowelled' by neighbour in bizarre row over parcel delivery 'didn't realise he'd been stabbed six times'

The bitter feud began when Mike Williams, 58, received a card from the Royal Mail telling him that his parcel had been left next door with neighbour Allessandro Nicholls.

A few days later Mr Williams, an ex-heavyweight boxer who worked as a doorman for 30 years, went to collect the item - a vitamin sample he ordered online, Manchester Evening News reports.

But his neighbour claimed he knew nothing about the delivery, a court heard - until Nicholls' girlfriend pointed out the parcel which turned out to have been opened.

Mr Williams launched into a torrent of abuse, swearing at the couple and telling them they "belong in a nut", Manchester Crown Court was told.

calzino, Sunday, 12 November 2017 20:54 (one week ago) Permalink

walnut or hazelnut?

mark s, Sunday, 12 November 2017 21:00 (one week ago) Permalink

That might be a good question for the macadamiac Nutellagentsia!

calzino, Sunday, 12 November 2017 21:27 (one week ago) Permalink

All I want is a cheese burger

— isabel harvey (@isabelalice_0x) April 23, 2016

illegal economic migration (Tracer Hand), Sunday, 12 November 2017 23:45 (one week ago) Permalink

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdUoZJvdipA

𝔠𝔞𝔢𝔨 (caek), Monday, 13 November 2017 03:51 (six days ago) Permalink

Xxxxp a vitamin sample he bought online, lol

Anything with a suggestion of steroid abuse in the north has me doing italian chef's fingers, ah yeah, that's the real england

But doctor, I am Camille Paglia (Bananaman Begins), Monday, 13 November 2017 09:20 (six days ago) Permalink

Yes that's very good

Never changed username before (cardamon), Monday, 13 November 2017 22:23 (six days ago) Permalink

could be put into a lot of different threads this poster but..

https://i2-prod.liverpoolecho.co.uk/whats-on/whats-on-news/article13898516.ece/ALTERNATES/s615b/unnamed-2.jpg

piscesx, Monday, 13 November 2017 22:50 (six days ago) Permalink

you love half dem acts

the intentional phallusy (Noodle Vague), Monday, 13 November 2017 22:51 (six days ago) Permalink

jesus

illegal economic migration (Tracer Hand), Monday, 13 November 2017 23:57 (six days ago) Permalink

Man out of Courteeners called me a faggot once

Never changed username before (cardamon), Tuesday, 14 November 2017 00:52 (five days ago) Permalink

Ambulance bosses react with fury to video showing man hurling abuse at paramedic

http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/uk-news/how-you-find-words-ambulance-13895963#ICID=ios_MENNewsApp_AppShare_Click_Other

lefal junglist platton (wtev), Tuesday, 14 November 2017 06:34 (five days ago) Permalink

Sry still haven't worked out how to do links properly in zing

lefal junglist platton (wtev), Tuesday, 14 November 2017 06:35 (five days ago) Permalink

Greggs launches Advent calendar - replaces baby Jesus with sausage roll @greggsofficial https://t.co/NGe5aY0fzK

— Matt Westcott (@mattwecho) November 14, 2017

Dan Worsley, Tuesday, 14 November 2017 17:54 (five days ago) Permalink

Sacrilicious!

nickn, Tuesday, 14 November 2017 17:57 (five days ago) Permalink


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