Blue Saturday

the sadness is coming from outside the collective unhouseness

god the sheer tedious effort of marching in a straight line and how quick the rumble strips will squish you

So if the social worker sets up the annual meeting and never turns up, that's a dick move, right? Never responds to any text enquiry "eh, are you remembering this?", fuckit, let's go drink, oh 4 days later apparently there was a Dead Aunt reason for that, no bother I guess you were too greiving to respond to basic fucken queries. BUT, if you reschedule some weeks later and totally ghost AGAIN then that's fucking taking the piss, yeah we waited around for an hour and an a half before calling it before I took my weekly opportunity to go buy vodka, this time my PA didn't bother to chase her up, instead we told my mother about it who is prolly still ranting at her right now, I donno, maybe she's got more dead aunts than Stephen Ireland has grannies, I don't care, I'm done with this shit and am walking away, all I know is if they send that same lady out again I'm definitely gunna be drunk in advance. Cus I genuinely can't cope with this stuff, "dealing with people" and all that. Her job is talking to ASD folk, shouldn't she have a little consideration? Also her name sounds really threatening, K4t13 Kl1nk? Sounds like the warden from some 50s prison shit. I met her once, kinda, and she seemed nice but I never looked her in the face. Then as she was leaving she asked me if she should take off her mask so I could see her face. I told her nah then she asked me if one of my pictures was a woodcarving, cus she does those? Which made me think maybe she was actually cool but now NO, fuck her to hell. I miss the previous one, who retired to go travel in a caravan, which I'm struggling in her absence but I have nothing but respect for her withdrawal from all this shit

Sorry, I didn't know which thread to vent shit onto

this one welcomes venters of all nations

i'm coming up
i think we're gonna get this party started

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nD4ib9-laGY

Sometimes it's nice to be in the pub with all your friends and the Saturday sport is on and you are warm and loved but then later on it's not your friend it's some randoms in the late night pub that you might be annoying or that might be trying to rob you or kill you and you don't really remember that bit or much of where you've been for several hours and then you wake up and it's 3 o'clock on sunday afternoon and there's ill)advised expenditure and work tomorrow and the bleak midwinter and why and that's enough and never again but it will happen again because otherwise it's just alone

Love you NV. It’s not much but we do.

:) thank you

of course like everybody else i could simply choose to change my self-destructive behaviour

I have done well with that myself this year BUT have backslid so many times the past few months. I think I’m on the other side of it, but shit’s hard. All you can really do is pick yourself up, take small steps and just keep going. Understand that’s incredibly tedious and it doesn’t feel worth it in short term. Our brains have these short cuts for a reason.

The weather's fine
And I feel so, so, so

Selfishness of wanting to fall off the map, wanting to disappear - it hurts the people you really care about, and they won't want to let you, and you'll abuse their love by allowing them to protect you from the real consequences of your own desire to cease. And you'll chicken out yourself, frightened of how bad life can get before you escape it, so you let them help you, you leech people, for your own selfish refusal. Which is never a true refusal. And to die is another face of the same egoism. Nothing you can do for yourself isn't wholly selfish.

much as i wish you strength to surmount these feelings, i also think you should harness them and start a one-man metal project

i know i was a bit harsh to you the other week btw; i'm sorry if it caused any hurt, thoroughly retracted obv

To be honest imago I've been peeved with you for a bit and I'm sure nothing I say on ilx when I'm in that mood doesn't deserve censure. I hate holding grudges, it's bullshit

The rest is just...ugh...self-reflection without change is a pointless drag on other people. Even acknowledging my own selfishness is another kind of selfishness

And plenty still love ya anyway man

i know why the pished bird sings

literally pouring in booze to fill up the aching hole and shut out the fear

I made the mistake of doing an honest estimate of how many units I'm currently shifting during an appointment and they did a wellness service referral on me. When the concerned wellness support worker contacted me I told them it was all a misunderstanding cos I was counting the units wrong and it's much lower, honestly!

was suggested to me yesterday it was time for a referral. uh, refer me somewhere that takes away these feelings as quick as booze does and we'll talk

it's such fucking violence that other drugs aren't legal isn't it

Yup

The sunshine is beautiful this morning, I should wander around in that first. But I think this is full flight or fight mode since I woke up, and I'm not a fighter

Fly away on Venga Airways comes the pertinent suggestion from the pub's background music

The vampire-junky must be insatiable and must pursue their desires up to the point of self-destruction, but must never cross the line into annihilation.

Oh mother my mouth is full of stars
As cartridges in the tray
My blood is a twin-branched scarlet tree
And it runs all runs away.

Oh ‘Cooks to the galley’ is sounded off
And the lads are down in the mess
But I lie down by the forrard gun
With a bullet in my breast.

Don’t send me a parcel at Christmas time
Of socks and nutty and wine
And don’t depend on a long weekend
By the Great Western Railway line.

Farewell, Aggie Weston, the Barracks at Guz,
Hang my tiddley suit on the door.
I’m sewn up neat in a canvas sheet
And I shan’t be home no more.

or i'm still alive and there's nothing i want to do

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7GWyasxb5E

can't get my brain to work and feel so itchy on the inside, like I can't stand to exist in this body or with this stupid slopping unset jelly of a mind any more

(got no better ideas though. if only hating where and what you were could provide enough impetus to become something/somewhere else. my old therapist would say "if you can't make yourself work to fix it yet you must just not want to enough yet and there's no point talking about it". if I don't get on and make some kind of progress to write in my diary for this week my current one might say that too. thanks, man, but I feel so stuck and I don't know why I'm so obstinately workshy wrt this and everything else, I'm sorry)

hello hello hello blue whateverdayers

<3

it's easy for those people to just talk about fixing stuff

Nothing useful to say but love you spacecadet and hate that feeling of discomfort- hope it either reveals itself or resolves itself :(

💙💙💙💙💙

Hiya - lots of love!

ah, another glorious summer day trying to find the least destructive way to deal with being sad and anxious and without purpose

teenage angst has paid off,
well now i'm shit and old

sorry NV, much love

and thanks and love to everyone who said nice things to me! sorry I didn't have the energy to respond at the time

Hey aps! I keep meaning to bump that favourite ilx posters thread or whatever its called, cos I so want to put you on there but at the same time I don't want embarrass you because its kind of an awkward thread sometimes. This seems like a better place though, so I'm going to park that sentiment here instead. Always enjoy your posts except for those where you're feeling sad :( Hope you're on top of things now, sorry for any cringe this post might bring.

+ big love to NV of course, I'm sorry you're struggling right now

thank you Nick, and thank you spacey

here's Barbara Dixon and Elaine Paige asking why am i falling apart

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2SDInk6voA

speaking to my kind, supportive line manager on Friday about returning to work and i assure her it's not the job that's the problem, i like the job (mental reservation: as much as any job)

and now it's sunday and the anxiety bubbling up curdling into clots of recklessness and resentment and mostly just i don't know what, a sac of restlessness that i float around in helplessly

and it's not the job. it's jobs. it's this life. it's this world.

The job, like the world, is better for having you in it though - I'm aware that's probably minimal help.

when you're falling off a very high cliff there are moments when the necessity of gravity is kinda joyous

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7k6WKHc0tq0

https://i.imgur.com/dOZz7ny.jpeg

that's real alright

look after yrself NV, we ♥️ u

i feel incredibly ill and incredibly fake all at once

just had a little inner debate about whether the GP would give me a fake blood test to keep me quiet, guess that was a stupid thing to think even momentarily

i could just, y'know, stop being like this. why don't i? why won't i? why aren't i doing anything about it? (there is nothing of value to do)

this post brought to you in heavy parentheses, i will try to chat shit about the ephemera of the day elsewhere

i wish i was better at loving and caring and

not just a lip service gloss on my gross endless

solipsism

i wish

i

remember you can't die remember you will die

❤️