Blue Saturday

thread of mumbling to myself. you can play too.

Playlist, shuffled

Popol Vuh - Hosianna Mantra
Actress - Splazsh
Paysage d'Hiver - Kristall & Isa
v/a - Mystic Records Presents We Got Power - Party or Go Home
Alva Noto - Xerrox Vol. 2
Debris - Static Disposal
Pere Ubu - The Modern Dance
Pussy Galore - Exile on Main Street
Decayes - Not Yet!
Ulver - Nattens Madrigal
Edgar Varèse - noise interpolations from "Déserts"
Orbital - Brown Album
The Fall - Escape Route from the Wonderful and Frightening World of
John Beltran - Earth and Nightfall
Celtic Frost - To Mega Therion
Expo '70 - Animism & Black Ohms

add zoloft and low-grade hangover, play freecell, lean back, stir

freecell is fucking tedious tbh.

spent a lot of time this week watching young people going about their business, wondered why the fuck they were bothering for the most part. humans' sense of a worthwhile life/survival is pretty fucking tedious tbh.

i mean we are ape-y and not much imbued with magic or wonder

have been semi-inclined to go to Beverley and get properly drunk and lost today, out of spite and dickishness really, but this feels like a more satisfactory and less damaging way of getting some of that out of my system. damn i love a temporary solution tho. temporary dissolution.

okay, "Remind" is proper classic. lolstalgia. here is a notable story from the annals of Hull history

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article145635.ece

the other weekend we decided there should be a giant animatronic goat-fucker alongside the railway line just before the station, with a neon "Welcome to Hull" sign over it

i missed the last d off of "Edgard", I know

lolstalgia. jaysus

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMFspaHFl3Q&feature=related

in the service of full disclosure, obv. there's not much more ridiculous than middle age, but youth is probly one of the things

http://www.sabotagetimes.com/wp-content/uploads/Hull-Fair-7.jpg

so in love with the decent past but this picture could've been took anytime, really

city lost to time, city that fell from grace with the sea

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=px5RkcwxkZQ

oh Hessle Road

half fucked now but still classic

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6bWJd44i-o

best band ever btw

http://bill.terebenthine.free.fr/images/spiders_from_mars.jpg

This is the 2nd best band from Hull ever. They were still Quite Good.

http://bill.terebenthine.free.fr/images/spiders_from_mars.jpg

man this tension between wanting to escape and knowing i won't escape very far, tawdriness in advance, wanting a pub with chet baker on the jukey or at the least Stock Aitken and Watermang's "SS Paparazzi" - lolstalgia again tho - can't even get a pint of Double Diamond anywhere now, not sure they still brew it - or that i want it tbh

not sure how much of this is the medicine flexing its muscles either but

not cut out for another 5 - 50 years of this really and pondering whether maintaining a facade of functional dignity is doing anybody any favours when i shd be beatniking it out in the wilds of this hilarious city

http://www.heritagepubs.org.uk/images/pubphotos/Hull-OldeWhiteHart-MainBar.jpg

Allegedly - tho you know history and publicity make bitch liars and memory is quite rewriteable - this is where we started to win the Civil War. Charles was keen on coming into the city and securing the arsenal and the docks but local capitalist plutocrat guys got together in this pub and told the mayor to lock the gates and tell him to get tae fuck. which he did, against his will. this pub is really cosy and still pub-esque, which y'know is an increasingly rare fucking commodity in the 2K10s. also where i heard some dude being accused of being "racist against gays".

Pubs I have loved: the Piper, the Gardener's, Hockneys when it were old and working man's clubbish, the Golden Ball, the Engineers, the Mint, the Black Boy, the Olde White Hart, the Schnapps Bar, the Empress, the Star of the West RIP you were a beautiful dump, the Station, the Turnpike and that stupid sports bar at the back where I watched us win the play-offs and got so splattered by half time I didn't remember a fucking thing about it, also where I watched Eubank fuck up Watson but missed the fatal punch and said something unfortunate about him not getting tagged that hard

interrupted because our joel just texted to inform me that a pet shop in town is selling bird food labelled "6 fat balls for wild birds"

and I KNOW HOW IT FEELS

http://www.eyorks.com/hullpub/

this virtual pub crawl is kinda sick-making with lolstalgia. the probable siberian wind knifing ice-sleet into yr face is doing a good job of keeping my safe in the house tho. am gonna cheat and make myself a little sump'n sump'n now to tilt the balance. might as well be hung for a whole pen full of sheep etc

honest to god there used to be a fishing tackle shop on Anlaby Rd called "Master Baits"

ginger beer, is there anything you don't mix with?

one can't help but feel that social evolution is something of a pig in that it discards all use for male libido about 30 fucking years before yr male does

NON-ALIGNMENT PACT YES BANG ON TIME

am looping that fucker

don't know when i, when i'll be conte-eh-eh-ent btw

really tho motivation is a funny thing. i dunno that aristotle was right about the unexamined life not being worth living but fuck i seem to see a lot of unexamination going down. ruminants. being a ruminant is plenty cool if you like cud tho. absolutely don't despise peoples alignments with themselves, just am wickedly out of sync and not getting how to get my groove "back" ha like it's been there since what 10? 5? seem to remember being reasonable centred playing army on the grass square at the top of our street but even then i was more of a cloud watcher rilly.

you reach this point when you think "man i am all ego self-centred aspie not good for people observer only bollocks" and that's a thing that you can be, one doesn't like to think it about yourself but we aren't all cut out for being productive and reasonable and loveable guys really

ginger ale not great with sambuca fwiw

got no real issues with the rest

yeah that seems true, wdn't mix sambuca tho tbh. ginger beer, not ale. I like ginger ale but it's a pretty low key mixer? have an unopened bottle that i might bring into play when the ginger beer runs out unless mrs v comes home and slaps me upside my head

which wd be a dece excuse tbh

we should totally go out on the lash, darragh, it would be most excellent times imo

no issues with that either, but no aristotle pls

i don't do aristotle in the pub, or anywhere else really, dude was shit

most tedious fucking philosopher ever award or maybe leibniz or that twat brother of Henery James's's

i forgot the old fake irish bar appendage to the mainbrace in my list of much loved pubs, and the mainbrace itself, spent a glorious new years eve in there one time off my swede on mushrooms thinking i'd got a glowing sign on my head saying "this dude's on mushrooms"

i miss hallucinogens

booze is a ready, loving, companiable buddy for ALL TIME tho

it was all-encompassing dismissal of discussion of all higher modes of though tbh

For drinking purposes, that is. Time and a place, time and a place

exackly

sport and giant animatronic goat-fucker tableaux are ideal pub convos tbh

don't even take my "oh pity poor me i is so sad" face to the boozer, it is NOT THE PLACE

i wouldnt trust booze with my money or missus but i'll go drinking with him alright.

not that i is so sad, i am kinda focused and edgy and probly not real level-headed but sadness is sort of not there except an impending "i like where this relationship is going" gif sadness and wondering hmmm can i keep up a veneer of not-great for another 10 years or so until the kids are all safely launched

goat fucker convo def has icebreaker value

he is an hull legend. shd definitely feature in the publicity blurb imo, also he is one of those dudes where everybody you meet knows somebody who knows him

but this is like the biggest village in the world so

six degrees of separation in hull = about 3

fond memories of P4ul H34ton allegedly fending off Poll Tax bailiffs with an air rifle from his Grafton Street mansion

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sNffR-yTA4

our civic anthem

reckon a goatfucker or similar on the sound bridge would put achill on the map

Ok, on phone, in body lotion section of an actual irl fancy dept store, and my full attn is required. Continue at yr own pace will check validity of the remainder of thread later

suddenly I have Depeche Mode's "Just Can't Get Enough" with the lyric changed to "Just Can't Get It Up" stuck in my head as a good idea for a Weird Al song

am not even dressed yet but gotta admit the water on the windows did inspire a bit of "oh sweet (not)..." earlier. mostly just glad to be the not at work though evne if this afternoon fails in my quest to do anything productive 4th week running.

lucky I have the new Radiohead album to listen to, high spirits ahead!

Solidarity! Mine is more 'stuff I did in my 30s' rather than anything I do now but yeah it's very much part of any social occasion, pissed-up or otherwise. And I totally get that 'god, did I talk to them for 2 hours about...?!' cringe thing. Awkward bastard.

I know those heebie-jeebies, crawling-in-my-skin fear, and as I've aged I've learned they can be managed somewhat: less or no whisky/rum/gin/etc., stick to milder (sub 7%) beers. Even if I drink eleven of them, I can still remember most everything and don't feel as godawful

there is no dignified death

Hope you’re ok…

I’m kind of hoping for it to be reasonably peaceful and pain free, with someone quietly chanting:

[

] O nobly-born, that which is called death hath now come. Thou art departing from this world, but thou art not the only one; death cometh to all. Do not cling, in fondness and weakness, to this life. Even though thou clingest out of weakness, thou hast not the power to remain here. Thou wilt gain nothing more than wandering in this Samsara. [

❤️

coke and booze and tiredness

I'm ok

Still time for wandering in samsara

Take me - my little pastry mother take me
There's a pie shop in the sky

(Phil Collins plays double-time on overdubbed 2nd drum kit)

:D <3

and why not

gloomy day getting nothing done -- one paragraph tinkered with, knowing there's something off abt the whole long piece -- but mostly stuck feeling the best is past and the good ones are gone

― mark s, Saturday, 15 September 2018 18:42 (two years ago) bookmarkflaglink

back here again tbh: i've done better than just one paragraph 2day but the news abt dawn foster has honestly floored me -- i never met her myself but i know several ppl who knew her well and are devastated :(

I think a lot of people who never met Dawn will have shed some tears over her death, it was terrible - even if a lot of us fans knew she had serious health problems - it didn't diminish the shock of it.

cosines

is it better to have no chance of interpersonal relationships or to actively destroy the chances

https://i.imgur.com/6Mli5lJ.jpg

Tried hard to stay healthy all week, for work, for survival, for what? And now it's Saturday morning lying here listening to Flip Your Wig, frightened of how these 2 days of freedom will run away from me and having no clue how to use them except to run headfirst into boozblivion

I know that was probably rhetorical, but use that store of health and go for a long walk. At least earn that first beer man!

earn while you walk is my motto and is partly why I've enjoyed so much success in recent years!

My 2020/2021 motto:

Unbearably gruelling non-stop work in intense solitary confinement conditions that stretch the limits of human endurance - and the weekends are even worse!

Catch a pint with you later dudes

Eyyyy
So what did you tossers end up doing today

Stuck to Doom Bar zero - surprisingly good for alcohol-free.

very wan and glum yesterday -- and also (less typically of me) just full of dread abouth ways things are headed. not headed for me personally, i'll be ok -- but def the uk at large and far beyond that

the dread is ignited i think by watching several ppl i know -- former colleagues, minor online names i once lined up in the "more or less a good thing" column -- getting more and more radicalised basically glinnerwards. the individuals aren't especially important, they're not "thought leaders" just ppl i know or am aware of: it was much more my sense that their movement in this direction represents a very very bad wider tipping point, and that the mounting ever uglier attack on existing trans rights is a specific culture-war flashpoint being weaponised to enable a much broader crack-down and shut-out… and that many ppl i vaguely assumed wd be on the side against this shut-out (if not especially active or useful) will be actively pushing for it, and indeed already are

some of this is just twitter-bubble nonsense on my part -- my little on-line world is not the world, who cares what those twerps think -- and some of it is the consequence i suspect of my tendency to be highly conflict-avoidant. i don't like getting in fights, and have no practice at being in fights, so i watch ppl being clear and firm when they say "no" to all this (and battle against it without loosing their cool and keeping to their good talking points despite being goaded to explosion point) and envy them and feel useless. i am bad in fights and it's way too late to change that (even if it offloads all the needful activity onto others)

on the whole in the past i have been a "slow and steady wins the race", "things will turn our way" kind of a person -- and on the whole in my lifetime things have done just this, so maybe i wasn't wrong to be. but i think i have stopped believing in either of these claims, and i don't know what to do with my brain in this new state. my skills are very particular and i'm not unproud of them and still have joy of them, but some days they seem very ungermane indeed…

having written all that out i strongly suspect i am talking my way round something much more obvious and basic (and possibly selfish) but if so i don't know what it is

the gusts of hate emanating from the Rosie Duffield "supporters" on Twitter this week was very depressing yeah, i had a brief glimpse and thought "fuck this" and stepped away from Twitter for a bit

the broader entanglement of a sense of the world/the nation/civilization/idk declining and doomed and our feelings about our own personal inevitable decline and doom, well, sometimes it's hard to deal with either thread unless you're full-blown millenarian

a lot easier to believe i might achieve a personal transcedence than that humanity can reach a sociopolitical one tho

What I try to keep in mind is that where we are now trans-wise would 10 years ago not be unimaginable but still seem far-distant. There's been a lot of ground gained and while even an inch of it lost is a shame, the generation that grew up with it will take it as a baseline.

(also no-one has ever won a fight on Twitter)

sometimes i picture trying to climb out of the blues as like building a house of cards, with really trembly hands, and maybe i get two or three tiers built up over a few days and then i wake up and think fuck am i doing this for? and knock the fucker flat

knowing i'll be back at it, hands shaking like the Waco Kid, in a few more days

A porterbottle stood up, stogged to its waist, in the cakey sand dough. A sentinel: isle of dreadful thirst.

Every day it's good to remind yourself that you could get totally fucked up. Then if you choose not to you can score it as a victory.

there should be an end zone tho, a properly signed biological marker where if you say drink more than amount X you will guarantee death. it's really physically difficult to Leaving Las Vegas yourself

i mean it should be really difficult of course. but nature could've illuminated the target better

not crying for anything just musing and enjoying the bounce of the keyboard

I love that every ilm thread is now just horrific puns on

Every day it's good to remind yourself that you could get totally fucked up. Then if you choose not to you can score it as a victory.

epiphanic week

wanting to not self-mythologize by monstering myself, everything to extremes, pure ego bullshit

but i've lived a life without empathy or himan connection, deserved nothing

maybe end up with nothing

https://cdn.onebauer.media/one/media/5dec/5694/ab24/0419/a833/2e18/free-guy.jpg

A himan earlier today - you've missed nothing tbh.

lolz

i kinda want to watch that, against my better instincts

I mostly want to just drink and drink until everything goes away but my body is a lightweight

Why are there people like Frank in the world?

Why are there people who deliberately watch comedy panel shows?

I mean, there was a good reason, but he died yesterday.

Wish I had the guts to kill myself

Don't worry failure fans, I don't

gonna give my mom your phone number

got a broken ego, broken heart
god i don't even know where to

HERE COME JIMMY ZEN AGAIN

Without ever quite reaching the "guts to do it" stage the insistent logic of ceasing to exist is pounding louder in my head every day

Cant argue to logic or anything

Toast is still good, readily available and hard to fuck up. Its a start

If I keep making my own problems I can certainly make some toast

I eat a lot of toast tbf

Crunch time

in no way is this a humblebrag, two clients at work yesterday told me how nice i was and i filled up with such thick despair and self-loathing i'm still trying to squish it now

and just to prove they were wrong and i'm right i drink myself into incapacity lol 1-0