Blue Saturday

thread of mumbling to myself. you can play too.

Playlist, shuffled

Popol Vuh - Hosianna Mantra
Actress - Splazsh
Paysage d'Hiver - Kristall & Isa
v/a - Mystic Records Presents We Got Power - Party or Go Home
Alva Noto - Xerrox Vol. 2
Debris - Static Disposal
Pere Ubu - The Modern Dance
Pussy Galore - Exile on Main Street
Decayes - Not Yet!
Ulver - Nattens Madrigal
Edgar Varèse - noise interpolations from "Déserts"
Orbital - Brown Album
The Fall - Escape Route from the Wonderful and Frightening World of
John Beltran - Earth and Nightfall
Celtic Frost - To Mega Therion
Expo '70 - Animism & Black Ohms

add zoloft and low-grade hangover, play freecell, lean back, stir

freecell is fucking tedious tbh.

spent a lot of time this week watching young people going about their business, wondered why the fuck they were bothering for the most part. humans' sense of a worthwhile life/survival is pretty fucking tedious tbh.

i mean we are ape-y and not much imbued with magic or wonder

have been semi-inclined to go to Beverley and get properly drunk and lost today, out of spite and dickishness really, but this feels like a more satisfactory and less damaging way of getting some of that out of my system. damn i love a temporary solution tho. temporary dissolution.

okay, "Remind" is proper classic. lolstalgia. here is a notable story from the annals of Hull history

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article145635.ece

the other weekend we decided there should be a giant animatronic goat-fucker alongside the railway line just before the station, with a neon "Welcome to Hull" sign over it

i missed the last d off of "Edgard", I know

lolstalgia. jaysus

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMFspaHFl3Q&feature=related

in the service of full disclosure, obv. there's not much more ridiculous than middle age, but youth is probly one of the things

http://www.sabotagetimes.com/wp-content/uploads/Hull-Fair-7.jpg

so in love with the decent past but this picture could've been took anytime, really

city lost to time, city that fell from grace with the sea

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=px5RkcwxkZQ

oh Hessle Road

half fucked now but still classic

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6bWJd44i-o

best band ever btw

http://bill.terebenthine.free.fr/images/spiders_from_mars.jpg

This is the 2nd best band from Hull ever. They were still Quite Good.

http://bill.terebenthine.free.fr/images/spiders_from_mars.jpg

man this tension between wanting to escape and knowing i won't escape very far, tawdriness in advance, wanting a pub with chet baker on the jukey or at the least Stock Aitken and Watermang's "SS Paparazzi" - lolstalgia again tho - can't even get a pint of Double Diamond anywhere now, not sure they still brew it - or that i want it tbh

not sure how much of this is the medicine flexing its muscles either but

not cut out for another 5 - 50 years of this really and pondering whether maintaining a facade of functional dignity is doing anybody any favours when i shd be beatniking it out in the wilds of this hilarious city

http://www.heritagepubs.org.uk/images/pubphotos/Hull-OldeWhiteHart-MainBar.jpg

Allegedly - tho you know history and publicity make bitch liars and memory is quite rewriteable - this is where we started to win the Civil War. Charles was keen on coming into the city and securing the arsenal and the docks but local capitalist plutocrat guys got together in this pub and told the mayor to lock the gates and tell him to get tae fuck. which he did, against his will. this pub is really cosy and still pub-esque, which y'know is an increasingly rare fucking commodity in the 2K10s. also where i heard some dude being accused of being "racist against gays".

Pubs I have loved: the Piper, the Gardener's, Hockneys when it were old and working man's clubbish, the Golden Ball, the Engineers, the Mint, the Black Boy, the Olde White Hart, the Schnapps Bar, the Empress, the Star of the West RIP you were a beautiful dump, the Station, the Turnpike and that stupid sports bar at the back where I watched us win the play-offs and got so splattered by half time I didn't remember a fucking thing about it, also where I watched Eubank fuck up Watson but missed the fatal punch and said something unfortunate about him not getting tagged that hard

interrupted because our joel just texted to inform me that a pet shop in town is selling bird food labelled "6 fat balls for wild birds"

and I KNOW HOW IT FEELS

http://www.eyorks.com/hullpub/

this virtual pub crawl is kinda sick-making with lolstalgia. the probable siberian wind knifing ice-sleet into yr face is doing a good job of keeping my safe in the house tho. am gonna cheat and make myself a little sump'n sump'n now to tilt the balance. might as well be hung for a whole pen full of sheep etc

honest to god there used to be a fishing tackle shop on Anlaby Rd called "Master Baits"

ginger beer, is there anything you don't mix with?

one can't help but feel that social evolution is something of a pig in that it discards all use for male libido about 30 fucking years before yr male does

NON-ALIGNMENT PACT YES BANG ON TIME

am looping that fucker

don't know when i, when i'll be conte-eh-eh-ent btw

really tho motivation is a funny thing. i dunno that aristotle was right about the unexamined life not being worth living but fuck i seem to see a lot of unexamination going down. ruminants. being a ruminant is plenty cool if you like cud tho. absolutely don't despise peoples alignments with themselves, just am wickedly out of sync and not getting how to get my groove "back" ha like it's been there since what 10? 5? seem to remember being reasonable centred playing army on the grass square at the top of our street but even then i was more of a cloud watcher rilly.

you reach this point when you think "man i am all ego self-centred aspie not good for people observer only bollocks" and that's a thing that you can be, one doesn't like to think it about yourself but we aren't all cut out for being productive and reasonable and loveable guys really

ginger ale not great with sambuca fwiw

got no real issues with the rest

yeah that seems true, wdn't mix sambuca tho tbh. ginger beer, not ale. I like ginger ale but it's a pretty low key mixer? have an unopened bottle that i might bring into play when the ginger beer runs out unless mrs v comes home and slaps me upside my head

which wd be a dece excuse tbh

we should totally go out on the lash, darragh, it would be most excellent times imo

no issues with that either, but no aristotle pls

i don't do aristotle in the pub, or anywhere else really, dude was shit

most tedious fucking philosopher ever award or maybe leibniz or that twat brother of Henery James's's

i forgot the old fake irish bar appendage to the mainbrace in my list of much loved pubs, and the mainbrace itself, spent a glorious new years eve in there one time off my swede on mushrooms thinking i'd got a glowing sign on my head saying "this dude's on mushrooms"

i miss hallucinogens

booze is a ready, loving, companiable buddy for ALL TIME tho

it was all-encompassing dismissal of discussion of all higher modes of though tbh

For drinking purposes, that is. Time and a place, time and a place

exackly

sport and giant animatronic goat-fucker tableaux are ideal pub convos tbh

don't even take my "oh pity poor me i is so sad" face to the boozer, it is NOT THE PLACE

i wouldnt trust booze with my money or missus but i'll go drinking with him alright.

not that i is so sad, i am kinda focused and edgy and probly not real level-headed but sadness is sort of not there except an impending "i like where this relationship is going" gif sadness and wondering hmmm can i keep up a veneer of not-great for another 10 years or so until the kids are all safely launched

goat fucker convo def has icebreaker value

he is an hull legend. shd definitely feature in the publicity blurb imo, also he is one of those dudes where everybody you meet knows somebody who knows him

but this is like the biggest village in the world so

six degrees of separation in hull = about 3

fond memories of P4ul H34ton allegedly fending off Poll Tax bailiffs with an air rifle from his Grafton Street mansion

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sNffR-yTA4

our civic anthem

reckon a goatfucker or similar on the sound bridge would put achill on the map

Ok, on phone, in body lotion section of an actual irl fancy dept store, and my full attn is required. Continue at yr own pace will check validity of the remainder of thread later

suddenly I have Depeche Mode's "Just Can't Get Enough" with the lyric changed to "Just Can't Get It Up" stuck in my head as a good idea for a Weird Al song

am not even dressed yet but gotta admit the water on the windows did inspire a bit of "oh sweet (not)..." earlier. mostly just glad to be the not at work though evne if this afternoon fails in my quest to do anything productive 4th week running.

lucky I have the new Radiohead album to listen to, high spirits ahead!

the gusts of hate emanating from the Rosie Duffield "supporters" on Twitter this week was very depressing yeah, i had a brief glimpse and thought "fuck this" and stepped away from Twitter for a bit

the broader entanglement of a sense of the world/the nation/civilization/idk declining and doomed and our feelings about our own personal inevitable decline and doom, well, sometimes it's hard to deal with either thread unless you're full-blown millenarian

a lot easier to believe i might achieve a personal transcedence than that humanity can reach a sociopolitical one tho

What I try to keep in mind is that where we are now trans-wise would 10 years ago not be unimaginable but still seem far-distant. There's been a lot of ground gained and while even an inch of it lost is a shame, the generation that grew up with it will take it as a baseline.

(also no-one has ever won a fight on Twitter)

sometimes i picture trying to climb out of the blues as like building a house of cards, with really trembly hands, and maybe i get two or three tiers built up over a few days and then i wake up and think fuck am i doing this for? and knock the fucker flat

knowing i'll be back at it, hands shaking like the Waco Kid, in a few more days

A porterbottle stood up, stogged to its waist, in the cakey sand dough. A sentinel: isle of dreadful thirst.

Every day it's good to remind yourself that you could get totally fucked up. Then if you choose not to you can score it as a victory.

there should be an end zone tho, a properly signed biological marker where if you say drink more than amount X you will guarantee death. it's really physically difficult to Leaving Las Vegas yourself

i mean it should be really difficult of course. but nature could've illuminated the target better

not crying for anything just musing and enjoying the bounce of the keyboard

I love that every ilm thread is now just horrific puns on

Every day it's good to remind yourself that you could get totally fucked up. Then if you choose not to you can score it as a victory.

epiphanic week

wanting to not self-mythologize by monstering myself, everything to extremes, pure ego bullshit

but i've lived a life without empathy or himan connection, deserved nothing

maybe end up with nothing

https://cdn.onebauer.media/one/media/5dec/5694/ab24/0419/a833/2e18/free-guy.jpg

A himan earlier today - you've missed nothing tbh.

lolz

i kinda want to watch that, against my better instincts

I mostly want to just drink and drink until everything goes away but my body is a lightweight

Why are there people like Frank in the world?

Why are there people who deliberately watch comedy panel shows?

I mean, there was a good reason, but he died yesterday.

Wish I had the guts to kill myself

Don't worry failure fans, I don't

gonna give my mom your phone number

got a broken ego, broken heart
god i don't even know where to

HERE COME JIMMY ZEN AGAIN

Without ever quite reaching the "guts to do it" stage the insistent logic of ceasing to exist is pounding louder in my head every day

Cant argue to logic or anything

Toast is still good, readily available and hard to fuck up. Its a start

If I keep making my own problems I can certainly make some toast

I eat a lot of toast tbf

Crunch time

in no way is this a humblebrag, two clients at work yesterday told me how nice i was and i filled up with such thick despair and self-loathing i'm still trying to squish it now

and just to prove they were wrong and i'm right i drink myself into incapacity lol 1-0

Do not think that one has to be sad in order to be militant, even though the thing one is fighting is abominable.

"Dancing in the Dark" just came on the pub playlist :D

I worked out my lack of Yen is killing me

not even sure if this is anything but better on the page than in my head

i dremt i was once more sharing a flat with my sister, as we did 30 years ago: a big airy single open-plan room full of dexxion shelving covered in our books and projects. no sign of her family -- i guess we were young again maybe and they hadn't come along yet. she was the unhappy one back then (work, romantic life) and i was i guess embedded in the bit of my career that now looks like a surprise success -- but none of that was part of the dream.

i was doing the washing up -- sink as part of a kitchen island in the middle of the room lol -- and wearing headphones but with nothing playing on them, and just sobbing. she had noticed and was coming to ask why as i was thinking "i *want* ppl to notice, it's time it came out, it's time i dealt with it"

what though? why was i unhappy? am i unhappy, like, for reals, without really knowing it? i mean, i think i might be

i'm not struggling personally: i have interesting work (less than i could do with but not none) and a flat i love and a project-in-plan for proto-retirement that's started well. i am fine with the way i live socially -- pandemic has knocked that about it a bit and probably nudged me towards being more of an unscoail weirdo than is good for me but i still have busy spaces to be part of and chums who visit and a fore-real lovely stretch of close family (reading round the boards i am aware i am just absurdly lucky with family, they are nice funny creative people). so far my life has been ok! a few small disappointments but also some achievements!

pandemic is the excuse but i am in retreat -- intellectually if you like -- from the state of the world: which seems to me dismally cruel and irreparable, without possuble upswng in view, the worst outlook i ever remember. when i was young (the 70s and 80s) we were in the shadow of crashing into ghastly lethal destruction, a world war that could end everything in seconds. and somehow the terrible ppl running everything -- for all their extremely bad decisions and actions elsewhere, their crimes -- managed to blunder away from that edge after all and defuse the dangers and etc.

so i went into the 90s and 00 (my thirties and even forties) i guess appreciating that a space could be and had been won, and that "better" was somehow also built into the systems of the world even when no one quite knew how, and i pootled away at my own projects and increasingly also looked after my mum and dad in their last years, and mostly just went along the weay things were going. the wrong ppl were still in charge making evil decisions, but there was somehow a resilience after all.

i think that resilience is all gone. i think we are rolling back to a catastrophic lip and i feel like all my moves and perspectives were shaped in times that just aren't relevant any more. it's not that others aren't manouevring to do something -- far from it -- more like my entire machinery of cultural intuition is now ill-fashioned to read the good from the bad any more.

tl;dr: this is just what getting old is probably. anyway, my everyday gameface will now go back on and i'll do a day's editing i'm pleased with and organise stuff for my retirement project and chat to my nice buddies. in my dream i was crying maybe for a sense of uselessness and all that time wasted looking in the wrong direction -- i mean, this is just my guess. once in the mid-90s i dreamed the govt rang me up to "solve northern ireland" so it's not like my dreams can't be very dumb and attached to literally nothing of substance.

"pandemic is the excuse but i am in retreat -- intellectually if you like -- from the state of the world: which seems to me dismally cruel and irreparable, without possuble upswng in view"

I like that your spelling went to bits on this section of your post :) like you don't want to believe it.

"and a project-in-plan for proto-retirement that's started well."

This is really good to hear!

anyway, my everyday gameface will now go back on

So much of late mid-life is having the courage and energy to continue to play your role interestingly, even as you become more disillusioned by society and keenly aware of the frailties and limitations of your own "moves and perspectives".

(You and your = me and my, obv.)

the sadness is coming from outside the collective unhouseness

god the sheer tedious effort of marching in a straight line and how quick the rumble strips will squish you

So if the social worker sets up the annual meeting and never turns up, that's a dick move, right? Never responds to any text enquiry "eh, are you remembering this?", fuckit, let's go drink, oh 4 days later apparently there was a Dead Aunt reason for that, no bother I guess you were too greiving to respond to basic fucken queries. BUT, if you reschedule some weeks later and totally ghost AGAIN then that's fucking taking the piss, yeah we waited around for an hour and an a half before calling it before I took my weekly opportunity to go buy vodka, this time my PA didn't bother to chase her up, instead we told my mother about it who is prolly still ranting at her right now, I donno, maybe she's got more dead aunts than Stephen Ireland has grannies, I don't care, I'm done with this shit and am walking away, all I know is if they send that same lady out again I'm definitely gunna be drunk in advance. Cus I genuinely can't cope with this stuff, "dealing with people" and all that. Her job is talking to ASD folk, shouldn't she have a little consideration? Also her name sounds really threatening, K4t13 Kl1nk? Sounds like the warden from some 50s prison shit. I met her once, kinda, and she seemed nice but I never looked her in the face. Then as she was leaving she asked me if she should take off her mask so I could see her face. I told her nah then she asked me if one of my pictures was a woodcarving, cus she does those? Which made me think maybe she was actually cool but now NO, fuck her to hell. I miss the previous one, who retired to go travel in a caravan, which I'm struggling in her absence but I have nothing but respect for her withdrawal from all this shit

Sorry, I didn't know which thread to vent shit onto

this one welcomes venters of all nations

i'm coming up
i think we're gonna get this party started

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nD4ib9-laGY

Sometimes it's nice to be in the pub with all your friends and the Saturday sport is on and you are warm and loved but then later on it's not your friend it's some randoms in the late night pub that you might be annoying or that might be trying to rob you or kill you and you don't really remember that bit or much of where you've been for several hours and then you wake up and it's 3 o'clock on sunday afternoon and there's ill)advised expenditure and work tomorrow and the bleak midwinter and why and that's enough and never again but it will happen again because otherwise it's just alone

Love you NV. It’s not much but we do.

:) thank you

of course like everybody else i could simply choose to change my self-destructive behaviour

I have done well with that myself this year BUT have backslid so many times the past few months. I think I’m on the other side of it, but shit’s hard. All you can really do is pick yourself up, take small steps and just keep going. Understand that’s incredibly tedious and it doesn’t feel worth it in short term. Our brains have these short cuts for a reason.

The weather's fine
And I feel so, so, so

Selfishness of wanting to fall off the map, wanting to disappear - it hurts the people you really care about, and they won't want to let you, and you'll abuse their love by allowing them to protect you from the real consequences of your own desire to cease. And you'll chicken out yourself, frightened of how bad life can get before you escape it, so you let them help you, you leech people, for your own selfish refusal. Which is never a true refusal. And to die is another face of the same egoism. Nothing you can do for yourself isn't wholly selfish.

much as i wish you strength to surmount these feelings, i also think you should harness them and start a one-man metal project

i know i was a bit harsh to you the other week btw; i'm sorry if it caused any hurt, thoroughly retracted obv

To be honest imago I've been peeved with you for a bit and I'm sure nothing I say on ilx when I'm in that mood doesn't deserve censure. I hate holding grudges, it's bullshit

The rest is just...ugh...self-reflection without change is a pointless drag on other people. Even acknowledging my own selfishness is another kind of selfishness

And plenty still love ya anyway man

i know why the pished bird sings