Blue Saturday

thread of mumbling to myself. you can play too.

Playlist, shuffled

Popol Vuh - Hosianna Mantra
Actress - Splazsh
Paysage d'Hiver - Kristall & Isa
v/a - Mystic Records Presents We Got Power - Party or Go Home
Alva Noto - Xerrox Vol. 2
Debris - Static Disposal
Pere Ubu - The Modern Dance
Pussy Galore - Exile on Main Street
Decayes - Not Yet!
Ulver - Nattens Madrigal
Edgar Varèse - noise interpolations from "Déserts"
Orbital - Brown Album
The Fall - Escape Route from the Wonderful and Frightening World of
John Beltran - Earth and Nightfall
Celtic Frost - To Mega Therion
Expo '70 - Animism & Black Ohms

add zoloft and low-grade hangover, play freecell, lean back, stir

freecell is fucking tedious tbh.

spent a lot of time this week watching young people going about their business, wondered why the fuck they were bothering for the most part. humans' sense of a worthwhile life/survival is pretty fucking tedious tbh.

i mean we are ape-y and not much imbued with magic or wonder

have been semi-inclined to go to Beverley and get properly drunk and lost today, out of spite and dickishness really, but this feels like a more satisfactory and less damaging way of getting some of that out of my system. damn i love a temporary solution tho. temporary dissolution.

okay, "Remind" is proper classic. lolstalgia. here is a notable story from the annals of Hull history

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article145635.ece

the other weekend we decided there should be a giant animatronic goat-fucker alongside the railway line just before the station, with a neon "Welcome to Hull" sign over it

i missed the last d off of "Edgard", I know

lolstalgia. jaysus

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMFspaHFl3Q&feature=related

in the service of full disclosure, obv. there's not much more ridiculous than middle age, but youth is probly one of the things

http://www.sabotagetimes.com/wp-content/uploads/Hull-Fair-7.jpg

so in love with the decent past but this picture could've been took anytime, really

city lost to time, city that fell from grace with the sea

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=px5RkcwxkZQ

oh Hessle Road

half fucked now but still classic

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6bWJd44i-o

best band ever btw

http://bill.terebenthine.free.fr/images/spiders_from_mars.jpg

This is the 2nd best band from Hull ever. They were still Quite Good.

http://bill.terebenthine.free.fr/images/spiders_from_mars.jpg

man this tension between wanting to escape and knowing i won't escape very far, tawdriness in advance, wanting a pub with chet baker on the jukey or at the least Stock Aitken and Watermang's "SS Paparazzi" - lolstalgia again tho - can't even get a pint of Double Diamond anywhere now, not sure they still brew it - or that i want it tbh

not sure how much of this is the medicine flexing its muscles either but

not cut out for another 5 - 50 years of this really and pondering whether maintaining a facade of functional dignity is doing anybody any favours when i shd be beatniking it out in the wilds of this hilarious city

http://www.heritagepubs.org.uk/images/pubphotos/Hull-OldeWhiteHart-MainBar.jpg

Allegedly - tho you know history and publicity make bitch liars and memory is quite rewriteable - this is where we started to win the Civil War. Charles was keen on coming into the city and securing the arsenal and the docks but local capitalist plutocrat guys got together in this pub and told the mayor to lock the gates and tell him to get tae fuck. which he did, against his will. this pub is really cosy and still pub-esque, which y'know is an increasingly rare fucking commodity in the 2K10s. also where i heard some dude being accused of being "racist against gays".

Pubs I have loved: the Piper, the Gardener's, Hockneys when it were old and working man's clubbish, the Golden Ball, the Engineers, the Mint, the Black Boy, the Olde White Hart, the Schnapps Bar, the Empress, the Star of the West RIP you were a beautiful dump, the Station, the Turnpike and that stupid sports bar at the back where I watched us win the play-offs and got so splattered by half time I didn't remember a fucking thing about it, also where I watched Eubank fuck up Watson but missed the fatal punch and said something unfortunate about him not getting tagged that hard

interrupted because our joel just texted to inform me that a pet shop in town is selling bird food labelled "6 fat balls for wild birds"

and I KNOW HOW IT FEELS

http://www.eyorks.com/hullpub/

this virtual pub crawl is kinda sick-making with lolstalgia. the probable siberian wind knifing ice-sleet into yr face is doing a good job of keeping my safe in the house tho. am gonna cheat and make myself a little sump'n sump'n now to tilt the balance. might as well be hung for a whole pen full of sheep etc

honest to god there used to be a fishing tackle shop on Anlaby Rd called "Master Baits"

ginger beer, is there anything you don't mix with?

one can't help but feel that social evolution is something of a pig in that it discards all use for male libido about 30 fucking years before yr male does

NON-ALIGNMENT PACT YES BANG ON TIME

am looping that fucker

don't know when i, when i'll be conte-eh-eh-ent btw

really tho motivation is a funny thing. i dunno that aristotle was right about the unexamined life not being worth living but fuck i seem to see a lot of unexamination going down. ruminants. being a ruminant is plenty cool if you like cud tho. absolutely don't despise peoples alignments with themselves, just am wickedly out of sync and not getting how to get my groove "back" ha like it's been there since what 10? 5? seem to remember being reasonable centred playing army on the grass square at the top of our street but even then i was more of a cloud watcher rilly.

you reach this point when you think "man i am all ego self-centred aspie not good for people observer only bollocks" and that's a thing that you can be, one doesn't like to think it about yourself but we aren't all cut out for being productive and reasonable and loveable guys really

ginger ale not great with sambuca fwiw

got no real issues with the rest

yeah that seems true, wdn't mix sambuca tho tbh. ginger beer, not ale. I like ginger ale but it's a pretty low key mixer? have an unopened bottle that i might bring into play when the ginger beer runs out unless mrs v comes home and slaps me upside my head

which wd be a dece excuse tbh

we should totally go out on the lash, darragh, it would be most excellent times imo

no issues with that either, but no aristotle pls

i don't do aristotle in the pub, or anywhere else really, dude was shit

most tedious fucking philosopher ever award or maybe leibniz or that twat brother of Henery James's's

i forgot the old fake irish bar appendage to the mainbrace in my list of much loved pubs, and the mainbrace itself, spent a glorious new years eve in there one time off my swede on mushrooms thinking i'd got a glowing sign on my head saying "this dude's on mushrooms"

i miss hallucinogens

booze is a ready, loving, companiable buddy for ALL TIME tho

it was all-encompassing dismissal of discussion of all higher modes of though tbh

For drinking purposes, that is. Time and a place, time and a place

exackly

sport and giant animatronic goat-fucker tableaux are ideal pub convos tbh

don't even take my "oh pity poor me i is so sad" face to the boozer, it is NOT THE PLACE

i wouldnt trust booze with my money or missus but i'll go drinking with him alright.

not that i is so sad, i am kinda focused and edgy and probly not real level-headed but sadness is sort of not there except an impending "i like where this relationship is going" gif sadness and wondering hmmm can i keep up a veneer of not-great for another 10 years or so until the kids are all safely launched

goat fucker convo def has icebreaker value

he is an hull legend. shd definitely feature in the publicity blurb imo, also he is one of those dudes where everybody you meet knows somebody who knows him

but this is like the biggest village in the world so

six degrees of separation in hull = about 3

fond memories of P4ul H34ton allegedly fending off Poll Tax bailiffs with an air rifle from his Grafton Street mansion

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sNffR-yTA4

our civic anthem

reckon a goatfucker or similar on the sound bridge would put achill on the map

Ok, on phone, in body lotion section of an actual irl fancy dept store, and my full attn is required. Continue at yr own pace will check validity of the remainder of thread later

suddenly I have Depeche Mode's "Just Can't Get Enough" with the lyric changed to "Just Can't Get It Up" stuck in my head as a good idea for a Weird Al song

am not even dressed yet but gotta admit the water on the windows did inspire a bit of "oh sweet (not)..." earlier. mostly just glad to be the not at work though evne if this afternoon fails in my quest to do anything productive 4th week running.

lucky I have the new Radiohead album to listen to, high spirits ahead!

Look I worded it weird earlier cos pom is a slack denier also I was talking to gyac

You bunch of cunts

I am deliriously happy this week and I feel almost guilty about that but you know I love you all

Cunts

*and pom too

xp right back at ya, big man

gyac I hate you so much right now

_ _ u t_ _ p_m

ffs zing

I am not looking forward to having to leave the house today, but once again we are missing or almost out of lots of groceries (plus missing everyone I didn’t see on the sssooomm)

I had enough food today, I need to go tomorrow and I need to do laundry and other delayed chores

You too, pom

Up for Cambridge FAP too. Good thought in dark times.

Lawks a lawd a lads
Save me from the comedown
The universe is infinitely blue
Bluetiful

Drink water before bed, lad

^^^

Well yeah sure but

I’ll post Keir to the thread unless you get up and get some right now

Look I've drunk loads of fluid today and it's not helping

Bluetered

The wust of it is I'm not as pished as I ought

Wustfil drinking

OK when I'm listening to "Sex Weed" on a loop that's bed time

Playing SAW I in bed as a John Harris tribute

that thing inside you
it were outside you
malavarice eats us up

the urge to sneak into saturnonymity

and that's what makes my life so fucking fantastic

Don't have time to be fanciful, just noting how sweet the sadness is of gazing into the shifting shades of blue at a slight remove

Which is just a way of being pointlessly always a bit sad I guess, always missing some little object, eh?

The difference between melancholy and gloom? Perhaps I’ve misinterpreted that first one.

It is, also it's a soft melancholy, like when you're tapped into the universal blue.

Lots of defrosted feelings at my end, tho I believe in the collective blue of the universe

Just needed to whitter and jot it down here, lol havent felt the urge for ages for some reason.

twhitter nest pas

Well now.

I never really know how to define melancholy. Instinctively i think of it as sort of sadness tinting everything, diluted but pervasive? Sadness itself is almost a pain (at least for someone who feels all their negative emotions physically it is too), stronger and harder to ignore.

Melancholy = there is a fundamental sadness underpinning existence and it's beautiful so that's ok

(nb there is also a fundamental joy underpinning existence probably but joy feels much more atomised/personal)

I can bask in melancholy but joy is more unsettling idk

melancholy is the pretty rainbow colours shifting across the surface of the dark petrol gloop of sadness

That’s a great way of putting it

A little bubble of black nihilism stuck in my lungs today for no obvious reason.

It's good to observe this stuff calmly until I can cough it up

There's a feeling I get sometimes when the sun's coming out, it's very nebulous and complicated and of course blue, it has wistfulness and hope and nostalgia for hope and possibility in it, unfocused memory maybe, awareness of the seasons changing in time, I get it in the Persona games sometimes too, it's like being 18 somehow or wishing I was

Lockdown spoils it tho

I'm living in a sleepy fog of netflix and biscuits.
Sometimes the biscuits are good.

there isn't much good to say about netflix, apart from that it has all 7 seasons of Voyager!

New last chance u dropped tbf

Having a bacon

Yet another curfew Friday night before Blue Saturday #419432490.

I thought about trying to sketch my blueness but fuck it, silence and diversion is easier.

I'm here to listen and nod along to all of youse tho

This probably isn't the place for it but I drank far too much on Saturday night. It was with good company, round a fire in a garden; there were cigars and glorious peaty whisky. But I didn't eat enough and had an appalling hangover and jesus do I still feel wobbly today. This always manifests, particularly when the end of the night is hazy (to say the least), as me thinking I was probably a prick and have offended people/changed their view of me. I know it's ego and guilt and booze (a heady mix) and I've checked and everyone seems fine but I can't shake it and mostly I think 'just give this shit up already' or 'why can't I have some self-control?'.

feeling that. be gentle with yourself imo.

"the fear" is a real thing the few days after exactly that situation and i used to think i knew what it was when i was in my twenties but at some stage over the last few years its an absolutely predictable mood that lingers after im out with a group and have had more than is good for me- and its never related to anything ive done (unlike, say, in my twenties)

I have that all the time after social events, even (especially?) ones I was completely sober for.

Oh yeah, hate that fear, though a reprieve from it has been one of those rare pros of the pandemic. I too get it even after big social events where I'm sober, but if I do imbibe that just adds an extra layer of "what dumb things did I possibly say" anxiety to the mix. And, yeah, as I've aged it's never really anything I did do, it's more just stuff like "damn, did I really talk about to that guy about Sopranos for as long as it seems like I did? that must have been insufferable".

i have this fear about ilx often enough

its never related to anything ive done (unlike, say, in my twenties)

This is key. My hangovers are predictably longer than they used to be, but they're nowhere near as panic attack-inducing.

Solidarity! Mine is more 'stuff I did in my 30s' rather than anything I do now but yeah it's very much part of any social occasion, pissed-up or otherwise. And I totally get that 'god, did I talk to them for 2 hours about...?!' cringe thing. Awkward bastard.

I know those heebie-jeebies, crawling-in-my-skin fear, and as I've aged I've learned they can be managed somewhat: less or no whisky/rum/gin/etc., stick to milder (sub 7%) beers. Even if I drink eleven of them, I can still remember most everything and don't feel as godawful