Blue Saturday

thread of mumbling to myself. you can play too.

Playlist, shuffled

Popol Vuh - Hosianna Mantra
Actress - Splazsh
Paysage d'Hiver - Kristall & Isa
v/a - Mystic Records Presents We Got Power - Party or Go Home
Alva Noto - Xerrox Vol. 2
Debris - Static Disposal
Pere Ubu - The Modern Dance
Pussy Galore - Exile on Main Street
Decayes - Not Yet!
Ulver - Nattens Madrigal
Edgar Varèse - noise interpolations from "Déserts"
Orbital - Brown Album
The Fall - Escape Route from the Wonderful and Frightening World of
John Beltran - Earth and Nightfall
Celtic Frost - To Mega Therion
Expo '70 - Animism & Black Ohms

add zoloft and low-grade hangover, play freecell, lean back, stir

freecell is fucking tedious tbh.

spent a lot of time this week watching young people going about their business, wondered why the fuck they were bothering for the most part. humans' sense of a worthwhile life/survival is pretty fucking tedious tbh.

i mean we are ape-y and not much imbued with magic or wonder

have been semi-inclined to go to Beverley and get properly drunk and lost today, out of spite and dickishness really, but this feels like a more satisfactory and less damaging way of getting some of that out of my system. damn i love a temporary solution tho. temporary dissolution.

okay, "Remind" is proper classic. lolstalgia. here is a notable story from the annals of Hull history

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article145635.ece

the other weekend we decided there should be a giant animatronic goat-fucker alongside the railway line just before the station, with a neon "Welcome to Hull" sign over it

i missed the last d off of "Edgard", I know

lolstalgia. jaysus

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMFspaHFl3Q&feature=related

in the service of full disclosure, obv. there's not much more ridiculous than middle age, but youth is probly one of the things

http://www.sabotagetimes.com/wp-content/uploads/Hull-Fair-7.jpg

so in love with the decent past but this picture could've been took anytime, really

city lost to time, city that fell from grace with the sea

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=px5RkcwxkZQ

oh Hessle Road

half fucked now but still classic

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6bWJd44i-o

best band ever btw

http://bill.terebenthine.free.fr/images/spiders_from_mars.jpg

This is the 2nd best band from Hull ever. They were still Quite Good.

http://bill.terebenthine.free.fr/images/spiders_from_mars.jpg

man this tension between wanting to escape and knowing i won't escape very far, tawdriness in advance, wanting a pub with chet baker on the jukey or at the least Stock Aitken and Watermang's "SS Paparazzi" - lolstalgia again tho - can't even get a pint of Double Diamond anywhere now, not sure they still brew it - or that i want it tbh

not sure how much of this is the medicine flexing its muscles either but

not cut out for another 5 - 50 years of this really and pondering whether maintaining a facade of functional dignity is doing anybody any favours when i shd be beatniking it out in the wilds of this hilarious city

http://www.heritagepubs.org.uk/images/pubphotos/Hull-OldeWhiteHart-MainBar.jpg

Allegedly - tho you know history and publicity make bitch liars and memory is quite rewriteable - this is where we started to win the Civil War. Charles was keen on coming into the city and securing the arsenal and the docks but local capitalist plutocrat guys got together in this pub and told the mayor to lock the gates and tell him to get tae fuck. which he did, against his will. this pub is really cosy and still pub-esque, which y'know is an increasingly rare fucking commodity in the 2K10s. also where i heard some dude being accused of being "racist against gays".

Pubs I have loved: the Piper, the Gardener's, Hockneys when it were old and working man's clubbish, the Golden Ball, the Engineers, the Mint, the Black Boy, the Olde White Hart, the Schnapps Bar, the Empress, the Star of the West RIP you were a beautiful dump, the Station, the Turnpike and that stupid sports bar at the back where I watched us win the play-offs and got so splattered by half time I didn't remember a fucking thing about it, also where I watched Eubank fuck up Watson but missed the fatal punch and said something unfortunate about him not getting tagged that hard

interrupted because our joel just texted to inform me that a pet shop in town is selling bird food labelled "6 fat balls for wild birds"

and I KNOW HOW IT FEELS

http://www.eyorks.com/hullpub/

this virtual pub crawl is kinda sick-making with lolstalgia. the probable siberian wind knifing ice-sleet into yr face is doing a good job of keeping my safe in the house tho. am gonna cheat and make myself a little sump'n sump'n now to tilt the balance. might as well be hung for a whole pen full of sheep etc

honest to god there used to be a fishing tackle shop on Anlaby Rd called "Master Baits"

ginger beer, is there anything you don't mix with?

one can't help but feel that social evolution is something of a pig in that it discards all use for male libido about 30 fucking years before yr male does

NON-ALIGNMENT PACT YES BANG ON TIME

am looping that fucker

don't know when i, when i'll be conte-eh-eh-ent btw

really tho motivation is a funny thing. i dunno that aristotle was right about the unexamined life not being worth living but fuck i seem to see a lot of unexamination going down. ruminants. being a ruminant is plenty cool if you like cud tho. absolutely don't despise peoples alignments with themselves, just am wickedly out of sync and not getting how to get my groove "back" ha like it's been there since what 10? 5? seem to remember being reasonable centred playing army on the grass square at the top of our street but even then i was more of a cloud watcher rilly.

you reach this point when you think "man i am all ego self-centred aspie not good for people observer only bollocks" and that's a thing that you can be, one doesn't like to think it about yourself but we aren't all cut out for being productive and reasonable and loveable guys really

ginger ale not great with sambuca fwiw

got no real issues with the rest

yeah that seems true, wdn't mix sambuca tho tbh. ginger beer, not ale. I like ginger ale but it's a pretty low key mixer? have an unopened bottle that i might bring into play when the ginger beer runs out unless mrs v comes home and slaps me upside my head

which wd be a dece excuse tbh

we should totally go out on the lash, darragh, it would be most excellent times imo

no issues with that either, but no aristotle pls

i don't do aristotle in the pub, or anywhere else really, dude was shit

most tedious fucking philosopher ever award or maybe leibniz or that twat brother of Henery James's's

i forgot the old fake irish bar appendage to the mainbrace in my list of much loved pubs, and the mainbrace itself, spent a glorious new years eve in there one time off my swede on mushrooms thinking i'd got a glowing sign on my head saying "this dude's on mushrooms"

i miss hallucinogens

booze is a ready, loving, companiable buddy for ALL TIME tho

it was all-encompassing dismissal of discussion of all higher modes of though tbh

For drinking purposes, that is. Time and a place, time and a place

exackly

sport and giant animatronic goat-fucker tableaux are ideal pub convos tbh

don't even take my "oh pity poor me i is so sad" face to the boozer, it is NOT THE PLACE

i wouldnt trust booze with my money or missus but i'll go drinking with him alright.

not that i is so sad, i am kinda focused and edgy and probly not real level-headed but sadness is sort of not there except an impending "i like where this relationship is going" gif sadness and wondering hmmm can i keep up a veneer of not-great for another 10 years or so until the kids are all safely launched

goat fucker convo def has icebreaker value

he is an hull legend. shd definitely feature in the publicity blurb imo, also he is one of those dudes where everybody you meet knows somebody who knows him

but this is like the biggest village in the world so

six degrees of separation in hull = about 3

fond memories of P4ul H34ton allegedly fending off Poll Tax bailiffs with an air rifle from his Grafton Street mansion

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sNffR-yTA4

our civic anthem

reckon a goatfucker or similar on the sound bridge would put achill on the map

Ok, on phone, in body lotion section of an actual irl fancy dept store, and my full attn is required. Continue at yr own pace will check validity of the remainder of thread later

suddenly I have Depeche Mode's "Just Can't Get Enough" with the lyric changed to "Just Can't Get It Up" stuck in my head as a good idea for a Weird Al song

am not even dressed yet but gotta admit the water on the windows did inspire a bit of "oh sweet (not)..." earlier. mostly just glad to be the not at work though evne if this afternoon fails in my quest to do anything productive 4th week running.

lucky I have the new Radiohead album to listen to, high spirits ahead!

ah deep formless emotion/sink thats different

Is rud difriúil é.

Scéal eile. Sorry I’ll stop shitposting now

definitely recognising that feeling too, it's liveable here now but prob a disappointment to my parents who were into the book learning and intricate calculation-based sciences, and I worry myself that as someone without looks or social skills or dexterity or strength it closes down another major avenue of employment and there's not much left

(oh, I can go down a wormhole of bad emotions, or of going 10 pages deep into Google results when normal people would have stopped after the first link, or deciding that I can only start a work task once I've read all tangentially related documentation including 400-page books I already know basically all the content of, but not sure that's the same as concentrating, just letting more information wash over my still-empty skull as a backdrop to fretting about said emptiness)

anyway I am always up for more Noodle "blathering on the internet" for me to read as I while away my days hoping my boss doesn't notice I'm not concentrating on anything (am putting off an already very overdue work email, ahem)

hope the chat goes OK

heh i think that describing these things pithily and accurately is a talent you have aps, im afraid i dunno how marketable that is :(

I have never before been described as pithy but let me take the next 48 screenfuls to thank you profusely for your kind words

I'll just get my thesaurus for some more superfluous adjectives and adverbs, and let me start with a story about my youth, or moreover the youth of a friend of mine - well, I call them a friend, but it might be fairer to say... <Telegraph pay-wall fade-out here>

deciding that I can only start a work task once I've read all tangentially related documentation including 400-page books I already know basically all the content of, but not sure that's the same as concentrating, just letting more information wash over my still-empty skull as a backdrop to fretting about said emptiness

Basically the title of my autobiography <3

xp genuinely loled at the fade out (please post more in general though)

thanks for assuming i missed having deep thoughts and i can relate to everything everybody said but i just meant i wanted to be able to read a book or sit thru a whole film in one go :D

oh, I might regularly decide I need to read 400-page books on things which should be basic prerequisites for my job, but it's a long time since I actually got past page 20 of a book, it's just adding new layers to the procrastination cake

similarly I might get to page 10 of Google results but I haven't read any of the first 99 links, I've just opened 99 new tabs, skim-read a paragraph or two from a couple of them, opened more links from those pages, and panicked about never being able to consolidate all the information

I wrote my overdue email btw by the time-honoured method of telling myself it didn't matter whether I wrote it nicely because I'd check it and edit it later, then reaching the end and going "I don't dare even look at this text again" and mashing Send. now I get to dread the reply for a bit, but hopefully that will take me most of the way to hometime

that's my approach to emails, if you shut your eyes while you're typing it works even better

good tip, I'll try that when I open the response too

Is now a good time/thread to point out i can type without looking & also write without looking (and no this does not account for my many ilx fails)

i am sort of lying if i say i am not going to drink today. i am trying not to drink today. i really want a drink.

this is worse than usual.

nothing else to report just ughgghghghgh

bargaining with myself, all the little internal "why not?" excuses versus "well remember it's bad and messes you up, you know, like 3 days ago you idiot?" versus i dunno how do i get thru today days are so nothingy

i suppose this is what addiction is supposed to be like but who says addiction's there to be resisted?

nah seriously i should just go and get my haircut but i'm too embarrassed to go a barber cos my hair is this crazy bushed-out mop and they'll be like "why have you let it get like this and why are you blunting my clippers with your Robinson Crusoe cut?"

might go and pace the streets, worried where my feet end up tho

and can do cigs and maybe try to

never mind, my head's spinning and static all at once

and they'll be like "why have you let it get like this and why are you blunting my clippers with your Robinson Crusoe cut?"

Just answer "I was watching the hurling"

yeah fuck em aint they paid for it.

i only got a bollocking off a barber once, a repair job after id done it meself drunk

nb another reason not to drink today

i am not going to drink today

fuck knows what else'll happen, like

nearly cut mine the other week, have done it before

did trim the bits on the side where it was curling out of control

i just had a shave tho, that'll even it out a bit

how did today go?

Agree with being judged by someone who is cutting your hair, if they give you shit about it you go somewhere else imo

i stayed out of the pub, i went for a walk round the block, my old barber was closed for lunch so i didn't get a hair cut but i bought some new trainers cos something had broke in the back of my heel and was rubbing it to fuck, bounced round on non-hurting trainers for 20 minutes, that felt good, Lidl didn't stock clotted cream the fuckers, came home, tried to play football manager for the first time in months, gradually drifted into my listless and sleepy routine about an hour ago, i'll be in bed for the rest of the nothing

felt like mostly small wins tbh. expect i shall want a drink in the morning. shall try very hard to not drink. don't want one now tbf, that went away about 2 this afternoon i think.

Small wins are the only wins required! Glad for you today, well done sir.

ok Dusty is just widening the void that's sucking me down

given that i have no future of my own - there's the selfishness - sometimes you don't get to have a future of your own but you still have to stick around because there's a few people who need you - the selfishness is why can't i just accept that as enough?

some kind of economy of how many potential good moments are enough to staging post thru the desert of bad

Oh no, that’s the last thing I wanted to happen. Can recommend you something else instead?

Worth sticking around imo. How else are we ever going to teach you insults as Gaeilge?

lol it's not you! didn't even know which song you were referring to tbh, but that one's mine

the void was already there, just never sure how i'll wake up to it any given day

just at the half asleep wake up moment i reached across to touch the shoulder of the friend who is physically intimate with me when we hang out - lol there is no straightforward way of describing that - and realised of course i was on my own and my heart did that little slump for a minute

but i woke up to the emptiness again, the energyless what am i gonna do with today

i really really really want a drink just to fill the day up with just to be me

i know i need to fight it. scratch that. i don't know very well that i need to fight it. i have the inkling that i ought to fight it. i'm making playlists and i'll try playing video games instead of all the contacting clinical help people i'm supposed to be doing. i have no desire to engage with clinical services today. it'll pass, it's not 9 o'clock yet. i might go out and walk. i really really really want to settle into drinky me.

why am i fighting? like i said not fighting = just succumbing to self

BUT I WANT A SELF

i see my daughter near every week and we chat and laugh and get each other and she's an awesome friend who happens to have occasional sociopathic tendencies but she's the best and yet why isn't that enough why am i still dying inside from aloneness

woah sorry this is gonna get embarrassing feel like i'm sweating out the shakes

Seems legit, better out than in and all that. Your daughter sounds great.

to parent is to constantly be auditing all the ways you might've fucked up :/

not half of everything would be half a problem if soma was freely available over the counter

my hands are literally shaking like fuck, it's crazy, could barely roll a cig. am wondering if a small controlled spritzer would be medicinal rather than acting as a trigger but fuck it's not like i trust anything i think at the moment

when did you last have a drink?

a shandy on Monday afternoon after the doctor had told me i needed to have a little something for safety

never mind i just realised i haven't eaten anything today. dick. this might help

NV I commend you for your bravery in taking this head on. Hardly any consolation but the urge you are trying to fight off is probably the strongest yesterday/today/tomorrow. That will get easier. A lot of the other stuff won't, but at least that will. No more shaking hands etc.

Was wondering, this may sound daft, but since it's so difficult to figure out just what to do and how to get through the day: do you have a bath? And do you enjoy bathing? I've found during those hard times of 'how do I get by, what do I do?' taking a bath is both soothing and relaxing, and also before you know it an hour or more has gone by. Which, sometimes, is just what you want, for time to go by without any fuss.

Apols in advance for if you don't have a bath :-/

You're doing a great job. Your last drink was on Monday. It's already Thursday! That's huge man <3

More of a shower guy tbh :)

Baths are too faffy for me usually whereas throwing myself under the shower has been one bit of self-care I can do most days

I stuffed myself with random food which has accumulated cos of my depleted appetite, that seems to have done a job. I'm just letting the apathy wash over me for a bit now cos at least apathy means not wanting a drink

Ooh and there's a cool spider spinning a web outside my back window. Brb

What are your thoughts on kittens?

I am very much in favour of the restorative effects of baths myself, like my dad I can spend hours in there. I have a Bluetooth speaker on the wall in there so can listen to music or podcasts either in bath or while cleaning bathroom.

Never had a bathroom that felt cosy enough, think that's why I go for the blast and scrub and away routine

I like all animals well enough but I must admit I don't enjoy the bitiness of kittens. My brother and sister in law are big cat people, they used to have one in particular that just would not leave your damn toes alone when you were there

times i've fallen spectacularly on my face/head this week > 3

randoms who know my name because i've already talked to them at length this week and then forgot about it < 7

shame/fear/horror > 10

irrational disphoria between wanting to die and scared of dying > 1 billion

teeth loosened < not sure i make McGowan look like a fucking Mormon

I didn’t need to picture him in that funny underwear, ty for the mental image this brisk morning.

Can you go to a dentist?

oh my god there is so much work in that department i couldn't afford the fucker and to be honest i don't think there's any new loosening, just a vaguely sore jaw, and that's probably less of an immediate concern than the blood in my ear that i'm too chicken to go to the bathroom mirror and properly examine

i'm physically almost certainly ok. it's the psyche that's fucked. and fucking useless. on a positive tip i'm too bruisy to even want a drink today. yet.

christ i'm a baby i'm sorry shomebody ban me

Mens sana in corpore sano, etc. I mean, not quite, but at least it's not a non-starter. Which is worth far more than you'd think.

there is a literal fuckton of blood all up in my left ear but i appear to be calm and posting as i usually do so

Dried up or still running?

i think it's mostly dry, i'm not bleeding out of there, it's from falling quite hard on my face in MacDo and spilling an entire tube of Pringles under me, Chuckle Brothers get tae fuck i got this

this rosie Malbec is great, it's got polo players on the cover so you know it's hardcore Argentine junta shit