what is dating

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I've decided I need a "weekend digest" for ILE, as otherwise I would miss these IMPORTANT threads.

Alan Trewartha, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

I am extremely analogue. I have never been on a date and would never want to, or know how to. In my world, if you go out for the evening with someone you don't know very well, you are just going out for the evening with someone you don't know very well. If you fancy someone you should get drunk and try to snog them.

Archel, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

I only went on a 'date' once, but I got the pussy that time. Maybe I should go on more???

dave q, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

I don't think I've ever been on a date as such either. There have been things which look like dates in retrospect but they weren't described that way at the time.

RickyT, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

In my world, if you go out for the evening with someone you don't know very well, you are just going out for the evening with someone you don't know very well. If you fancy someone you should get drunk and try to snog them.

Butbutbut that's a date! "Date" = "two people interested in each other go out to have fun and possibly sex".

Dan Perry, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

I thought of inviting a mate of mine on a date for the sake of it, but the thought of going on one with someone I fancy, eek.

I am going to invite L to see Crossroads with me again.

Graham, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

But Dan, date implies it's all formal and pre-arranged and some sort of romantic interest is there.

American: I have a date this evening. UK person: I'm going out this evening, that person I fancy will be there. I will get drunk and try to snog them.

Anna, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

I think I must be some sort of closet American as I cannot see the confusion. If it is me + bloke who I fancy and have good reason to believe fancies me then it = date. Innit? What is so confusing? And if sex is involved it is a Hot Date (hopefully).

Emma, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Irish version=I don't have a date this evening and I'm going to sit around feeling guilty for not bothering to read shite books for my exams.

In reality it's the same as the UK version which is obviously superior. The best situation is where there is no formal arrangement and you merely know the person will be out and thus you can try something or if you fail get more pissed and snog someone you don't like, giving you momentary pleasure until you sober up and are filled with loathing for them and yourself.

Dates! Pah. Shall we say dinner at NEVER.

Ronan, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

But Dan, date implies it's all formal and pre-arranged and some sort of romantic interest is there.

Not really. There's no reason that a date has to be a formal affair (where "formal" implies "formula" rather than throwing on a tux). Going out to dinner and a movie with someone is a classic date, as is going out dancing. Romantic interest might be there, but isn't a necessity; you can have a fun time going out with someone you aren't trying to sleep with. The big problem I see with dating today is that everyone has heaped large amounts of baggage on them and idealized them to the point where you can't see the word "date" without immediately jumping to "relationship". They're two distinct things.

Dan Perry, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

If you invite someone you don't know very well, and in whom you have a potential romantic interest out for a drink or dinner, just the two of you, then that is a date. I think if it's the cinema or theatre or art gallery or concert etc., then that is more ambiguous. Then you need to be more certain that they understand the potential romantic interest bit or else it might just pass for two people being interested in the same cultural event and maybe a bit of conversation on the side.

There is, inevitably, a Seinfeld episode about all this, involving a man who discovers various dating 'loopholes' that allow him to go out with women without ever having to actually class it as a date. By the end, he is introducing Elaine to his parents whilst still denying that it is a date, on the grounds that he just thought they would be interesting people for her to meet.

N., Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

I still find all this hard to fathom.

Mark: "So do you fancy going for a quick drink tonight?" Ms X: "Yes, that sounds fun. I finish work at 7 - do you want to meet in Fulham at 8?" Mark: "That sounds perfect. The Sloaney Pony good for you?" Ms X: "Why not? see you then!" Mark: "Lovely! See you later!"

= A DATE (assuming we both fancy each other). It's not hard.

Mark C, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Many people do not do that Mark. I rarely do. Unless you're counting established friends who fancy each other on the sly a bit. In which case I'm always doing it.

N., Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

"(assuming we both fancy each other)."

But how can you assume that?

the pinefox, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Well, I already know everyone fancies me. So it's easy!

Mark C, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

I managed to avoid anything I considered real dating for a longtime, just ending up in relationships somehow (meeting someone through mutual friends, hanging out in non-date situations, before you know it you're sleeping together), but for lack of anything like that I've found myself thrown into the dating world.

Dating=me actually having to ask someone I don't really know to go do something, usually involving food and/or film. It really is a trying lifestyle, can't say I like it very much.

Jordan, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

That is a very big 'assuming' though, Mark. The (American) teen advice books I read 10 years ago devoted many chapters to the theory and practice of dating (venue, outfit, who should pay etc) but mentioned whether you actually FANCIED the boy in question almost as an afterthought. Hence my conclusion that 'dating' has somehow garnered an existence independent of love and sex and chemistry and FUN and turned into some incomprehensible social minefield.

(I wonder whether basing my opinions on trashy 10-year-old teen books has affected my social functioning at all?)

Archel, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

As someone (me?) has previously counselled, it is wise to assume that everyone fancies you, unless you are a mentalist.

N., Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

I think I should have listened to my mum's words of wisdom on this one. She told me that she went out with about 60 boys before marrying and said that while she didn't necessarily fancy all of them, they were (mostly) nice chaps and she had a lot of good nights out. Mind you back then I suppose men had to pay which would help, heh heh. Anyway I guess her policy was never to turn down a date cos you never know (though I fear her motives may have been less than pure e.g. 'you never know he might have a gorgeous friend').

Emma, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

And my mum is not a slapper. She only went on dates with them. If you had to do the whole become friends first / slyly shove your tongue down their throat whilst drunk 4 months later thing, it would take forever to get to 60!

Emma, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

From what I hear, Dublin has a burgeoning 'dating' scene, where men ask numbers of women they meet, with a view to inviting them out at a later date, à la America (or Sex and the City, at least). This might happen in London too but I am not personally involved in it. Maybe Mark is. I don't know. I can see that all this makes sense and once again, Emma's mother has shown herself to be the voice of reason, but I don't think I could cope with the nerve-jangliness of it all.

N., Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Well, that four months is optional, no? In which case you can reach triple figures in a remarkably short time :)

Archel, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

The thought of doing the dating thing is filling me with the fear. Does this make me some sort of saddo?

RickyT, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

My mum will be delighted to know she has been voted the Voice of Reason. I wish I could hop into a time machine & go back to her day as everyone in the family rants on about how much I look like her and this would mean that me in the 60s = men lining up to take me to Milk Bars etc.

Emma, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Nerve-jangling = CLASSIC. For me, the actual asking part was always more stressful than the date. Although, now that I think about it, I never actually asked Joei out on a date; someone else asked me out on her behalf. It was kind of hilarious. Subsequent dates might count, but the generally were me just calling her up and asking what she felt like doing = no "ooh, does she like me?" pressure.

Dan Perry, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Bah you don't need the become friends first though, you just need the fancying part first. Becoming friends would ruin everything, I thought we proved this on the big thread about fancying people.

This Dublin dating scene is alien to me, however going out to clubs and dancing like a fucking psycho as my one social outing each week (its all finances allow) may mean I am excluding myself. I've never got the number after snogging anyone or chatting them up, god no, it's all yes we're friends we really are for about 2 weeks and then the drinking and the snogging happens.

Ronan, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Becoming friends = CLASSIC!!!!! Marrying someone who isn't your friend or isn't fast on the way to becoming your friend = DUD.

Dan Perry, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Bah though becoming friends in a your lover is your friend sense maybe but there is a clear line between the friend ship and the relation ship, at least in my mind.

Admittedly I'm about as experienced with this as my parents are with breakdancing.

Ronan, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

I have a lovely image of Mr and Mrs Fitzgerald spinning on bits of lino to Melle Mel.

(Not that I know what they look like, I'm using generic parent figures)

Anna, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Where can I buy these?

N., Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

I've been all over the grey area here, but I've had things that were certainly dates, and in fact I have a first date on Thursday. It's not just a meeting with a friend, the girlfriend-boyfriend stuff is clearly central to the agenda, and all that. Beyond that, I don't think anyone is using any stupid rules. If she is, it will undoubtedly be our last date, but I don't think she is like that (I hope).

Martin Skidmore, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Last night I had a *second* date with someone; I'm so excited I can scarcely focus on work. A lovely dinner, then back to his place for conversation. Actually I meant kissing; we could have gone further but I want to wait (!?!). He's a good kisser... *sigh*... I'm practically bouncing off the walls here, kids. Yipeeeeeeeeee!!

Sean, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Rock on, Sean! See folks, dating is NOTHING TO FEAR.

Dan Perry, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

established friends who fancy each other on the sly a bit

nick, will you stop it with that! the sly can become less sly, and that way lies badness

gareth, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Hurrah for Sean indeed. :-) But it'll all end in tears when it turns out this fellow hates T. Rex and loves Erasure. ;-)

Ned Raggett, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Here's a tricky bit of the whole dating thing: if I ask a girl that I don't really know (say we're in a class together or something) out to coffee, I consider that to clearly be an I-like-you-let's-go-on-a-date type of thing. However, I hear that this can be interpreted as a strictly friendly overture (not that it's not friendly, but you know). I do not understand, I would think my jangly nerves would give it away.

Jordan, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

I don't consider it a date unless both people fancy each other and *know* it. People date a lot here but the problem is that when you say you're dating someone people assume there's a relationship involved so it's good to avoid the word unless there is.

Maria, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Oooooooh, all the things I could say from personal experience about misinterpreting friendly gestures as dating gestures, and misinterpreting dating gestures as merely friendly gestures.. but I'm sure I'm one of the few who requires a direct hit from a clown mallet to understand what a girl is trying to communicate to me.

Brian MacDonald, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

dating is kinda wierd. it is too planned. strutcure makes me nervous.

di, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

ah yuck dates. it is sooo gross when sleazy persons try to be all sophis-dick-ated by asking people on dates....whoops maybe i live in to small a town to throw stones

ducklingmonster, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

RANT

ducklingmonster, Monday, 13 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

dating is the thing that is needed in order to score! Cheers

Scott, Tuesday, 14 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Not everyone needs to date to score, you know. Marriage hath its privileges.

Dan Perry (feeding the blackmail machine...), Tuesday, 14 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

My fourth date last night with Steve ended with him basically saying we don't have anything in common and we should just be friends. He pretty much was right, but boy am I a lonely guy.

Sean, Sunday, 19 May 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

twenty-two years pass...

“It’s too bad I’m more attracted to your lesbian sister / married bestie”

calstars, Sunday, 7 July 2024 19:22 (one week ago) link

Emotional and yawning

calstars, Sunday, 7 July 2024 19:33 (one week ago) link


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