ASK KARL MALONE

What does Karl Malone think about civets?

Mehlt, Karl Malone is going to need some more information. He knows everything within reason, so let's not forget it. Karl Malone doesn't know where your UPS parcel was originally shipped from, for one thing. Get real!

http://i38.tinypic.com/21x6jd.jpg

Harbl, look at my picture and try to tell me you don't already know the answer to your question.

but it was multiple choice! you have to pick one

do you ever wish your parents had spelled your name with a C?

Dear Karl Malone,

Do you and Barkley ever get together and complain about your naked ring fingers and Michael Jordan?

Forks, Karl Malone thinks that anyone who wears perfume probably has SARS, and probably eats yogurt and doesn't even worry about what's really in it. We have got to stop civets before THEY STOP US.

Harbl, out of those four choices, I am cut. But given access to more adjectives, my choice would offend your grandma's ears.

iiiiijjjjjjjj, I do not wish my parents had spelled my name with a C, and I'll tell you why. It the Vietnam War, some POWs came up with a code that was based on a 5x5 grid. The letters of the alphabet are arranged into this grid, so A is in the upper left square, E is in the upper right, and so on. If you wanted to signal the letter H, you would tap twice (second row), and then three times (third column). "But hold on just a second, Karl Malone", you may be saying. "There are TWENTY-SIX letters in the alphabet! Which letter are you going to ditch?" I'll tell you what got ditched - the letter K. Instead, it was translated as C. So if you wanted to say "Sucked", you would code "Succed" instead. So you see, the letter K is rendered unnecessary. So when you suggest spelling my name with a C, I am offended. First you tacitly support this offensive code that discriminates against K, and then you try to tell me Carl is better than Karl? Stay out of my face.

http://i38.tinypic.com/21x6jd.jpg

Pleasant Plains, when Barkley and I get together, we usually end up getting distracted by his round mound before anything else can happen.

Karl, what's up with those eyebrows?

k-mal,

do you follow shaq's twitter? do you twitter?

karl,

did you feel bad when you fucked up isiah thomas' eye?

Lingbert, I'm going to count to ten, and hit F5 and hope there's a different question there from you. Because I know you didn't just insinuate than Karl Malone's eyebrows are anything less than the consummation of evolution.

Harbl, I will get back to you in 5-10 on your twitter question.

karl, were you sad when ddp sold you out to the rodman/hulkster team?
http://images.encarta.msn.com/xrefmedia/sharemed/targets/images/pho/00045/00045c5e.jpg

Tehresa, I felt as bad about fucking up Isiah Thomas' eye as he felt when he was a fucking asshole for his entire high school, college and pro career. He and Bill Laimbeer can go sit in the back of the short bus for all Karl Malone cares.

http://i38.tinypic.com/21x6jd.jpg

Hi Karl,

I've always denigrated your bball style as boring and mechanical. Would you say you're the Ivan Lendl of the hardwood? If not, how would you characterize your style, to use that word loosely?

Harbl,

RE: Twitter

Shaq's Twitter can't touch my own. Check this shit out:

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t214/ZachRScott/karlmalone.gif

Lingbert, Karl Malone doesn't get sad, he gets violently angry. The night after the Rodman/Hulkster debacle, I vandalized a village in northwestern Idaho. I went to rob their liquor store but it was closed, so I sat out front, waiting for someone to try to tell me what to do. Everyone was in bed so I lit a stink bomb by the Post Office and left tire marks all over their brand new rural route.

Negotiable, my style has changed quite a bit in recent years.

In the past, when Karl Malone arrivd at a social function, he was the portrait of sophistication: tip-top from head to toe, charming in tone and demeanor, confidently maneuvering his way from conversation to conversation. Until, that is, he came across one debating the merits of Swiss watches. Or the lasting effects of Fauvism. Or Shanghainese architecture. With nothing to say, Karl Malone retreated like a shrinking violet.

Now I just stay at home most of the time. So yeah, I'd say I'm the Ivan Lendl of the hardwood.

http://i35.tinypic.com/2mx1t02.jpg

Eman, this is touchy territory. I want people to know that Karl Malone respects the religious beliefs of all people in the world. But let this be clear - Karl Malone would wipe the floor with any god, crush them up like cheap paper, glue them onto the wall as part of his dead god art installation, and then answer the former god's mail as if he were the god, fooling the followers into thinking that their god was still alive and paying attention when in fact Karl Malone is just playing basketball and goofing off.

Hey, Karl Malone, remember me and my family from Firth, Idaho, in like '91? REMEMBER?

Tell me everything you remember about that day.

Hey Karl Malone, why Utah?

karl malone,

is fatherhood really that important? i got a situation.

Abbott,

I remember that day like the back of my hand. There were buildings on the left and right, and I distinctly remember exiting a motor vehicle within a few hours of seeing you and your family. As I entered the town, I said to myself "Firth, what's it worth? ha ha. Sounds like a guy with a lisp named this city!" But what I remember the most about that day was your weird little girl eye contact. I don't know why little girls always have to make it weird like that.

http://i38.tinypic.com/21x6jd.jpg

Karl Malone,

Why does James Brown yell your name several times during "The Funky Drummer?"

Tremendoid,

Do you know what the most effective way is to reduce your carbon footprint? Don't have any children. Fatherhood is important, in the same way that SARS is important. It's dangerous!

B.L.A.M., You've gotta be kidding me. I am going to sue his ass. Only basketball fans and people I am making hot can yell my names several during that song.

Why does it look like you have a slice of bologna on your head?

Steve Shasta,

check this out

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t214/ZachRScott/karlmalone.gif

Why haven't UPS come with my delivery after almost 2 weeks?

― Girlfriend, you've been scooped like ice cream (mehlt), Saturday, December 13, 2008 12:34 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

Nevermind, it came today (on a sunday, too!) Postal service: swish!

Dear Karl from the Jazz,

Is it true what the hataz say that you ain't shit without John Stockton?

karl,

does it piss you off that barkley gets to do t-mobile commercials, while people sort of forget about you?

Reverend,

I present two pictures which will prove that I am shit without John Stockton.

http://i33.tinypic.com/2lbnqx2.jpg

I ask the hataz, in the above picture, where is John Stockton? That's right, he isn't in the frame because he wasn't there that day. He was at home hugging his dying grandma and doing charity work.

http://i38.tinypic.com/hukphz.jpg

Again, check out my high flying dunking action. You may ask, "But isn't it likely that John Stockton made an incredible pass to you in the seconds before this awesome posterworthy picture was taken?" No, he did not pass it to me just before. I was there and he did not.

Tehresa, you've gotta be kidding me. Charles Barkley "gets" to do T-Mobile commercials? Charles Barkley has to do T-Mobile commercials in order to stay out of prison. It's a long story that we don't need to go into here, but let's just say I'm really glad to be unaffiliated with T-Mobile and their weird prison blackmail scheme.

Dear Karl Malone,
Are you a fan of chronically underappreciated jazz/funk musician Edwin Birdsong?

Forks, I only listen to 2 Unlimited, Tag Team, Black Box, 69 Boyz, K7, Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock, C&C Music Factory, Naughty by Nature, M/A/R/R/S, Snap!, EMF, Village People, Technotronic, and Gary Glitter.

http://i38.tinypic.com/21x6jd.jpg

karl,

would you care to include living colour in that group?

t

Tehresa, I don't see Living Colour in my CD collection, do you? Let me check. Nope, not on 1, not on 2. Not on 3, 4 or 5. And not on my homemade best of Jock Jams compilation, either. So no, I would not care include Living Colour in that group.

Dear Karl Malone,
Has Gary Glitter's history of sexually abusing young children made you more or less keen on his music?

karl,

can you post to sendspace your jock jams comp?

thanks,

The stickman from the hilarious 'xkcd' comics, when I was a little boy I used to sit out in the backyard with my great uncle Robert. He told me about the great leaders of the past - Nero, Pasha, Henry VIII, Merlin. One thing they all had in common was that they all gained popular support by sexually abusing young children, and lost it when they moved on to other endeavors. And that is why Gary Glitter is one of the best leaders this country ever had.

Harbl, here is a three track sampler:

Track one:

http://www.sendspace.com/file/kob7x8

Track two:

http://www.sendspace.com/file/8j378t

Track three:

http://www.sendspace.com/file/jls2o4

karl,

you say "Gary Glitter is one of the best leaders this country ever had." this leads me to believe (1) you don't know what country you're in, or (2) you don't know what country gary glitter is from. which is it? prove you are the real karl malone based on how much you know about gary glitter.

Harbl, you have neglected to consider (3) I have amnesia! Whoa, what happened?

http://i38.tinypic.com/21x6jd.jpg

Karl Malone, what kind of lifting regimen should a beginner use in the gym?

Viceroy, your first task is always to find out where the ladies are in the gym. Their location determines your workout. If they are running around a track, I recommend running backward alongside them. This way, you can work out your calves and also make offers to race. If they accept your offer to race, try to beat them while hopping backwards on one leg only. They love that. No matter where the ladies are, make sure you take your shirt off, or if you must wear a shirt, wear a U-shaped shirt like in the picture above. One more thing - when you lift, you should lie about how heavy the weights are. For example, if you are lifting 150-pound weights, announce that they weigh 300 pounds, and keep reminding all the ladies around you. Keep a running tally after every lift: "That's 300 pounds I've lifted...that's 600 pounds I've lifted, 900 pounds..." When you can switch the unit to tons, do so, but weight until you've lifted at least 3 tons cumulatively. If you can make it to 12 tons, that's good for announcing. "A dozen tons, that's how much I've lifted ladies".

karl malone, my girlfriend wants to know "who you are"

guy can't not be boisterous if i'm not wrong

hey also man you know where i can get me some snails for a documentary film i'm doin' about how my dog reacts to various other types of animal species

doin snails (or slugs too) right now and i just can't find one, thought maybe you might know, i dunno, thought i might ask anyway

hope it's cool i asked and i hope to hear from you again real soon karl malone my friend

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/tfr/2296632021.html

http://thafeedback.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/karlmalone.jpg

karl malone, have you ever been home alone?

dear karl malone,

did lebron choke? is the fix in? what happened?

man,if karl malone could remember his login information, or even what bogus email account he used to register the account, i bet he would know exactly what to say

didn't he get deleted from the database? u might be able to re-register iirc

Karl Malone,

Why do cats like to get into boxes but dogs do not?

― mumps (iiiijjjj), Monday, December 15, 2008 4:56 AM (2 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

iiiijjjj, why do those birds that I keep in the jar on my back porch smell so bad? That's just their nature.

― Karl Malone, Monday, December 15, 2008 5:49 AM (2 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

Dying at this.

This is one of the best & funniest threads! I think it helps that Mr. Malone is the only sports figure I know anything about.

courtesy of dayo:

Trail Blazers history: Karl Malone, with help from Dave Checketts, reveals psychic powers to David Kahn

“You guys might laugh and say I’m crazy, but I do believe I have psychic powers,” Malone told the two reporters. “I don’t have the power to just sit here and move stuff, but I do have the power to look into the future.”

According to a story Kahn wrote for The Oregonian, Malone said he inherited his psychic ability from his mother, Shirley Turner, who also was psychic. Although she had nine children, Malone was the only one to gain his mother’s “special talent,” Kahn wrote.

karl malone magic 8-ball, will another game ever be played in the NBA?

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3434/3305177015_bff5ddefaf_o.jpg

http://i.cdn.turner.com/si/multimedia/photo_gallery/1106/posters.salon94.exhibit/images/karl-malone.jpg

should kobe keep tweeting the spurs series?

how do ouija board work??

Dear Karl,
Is there a freeware animated gif program that would let me easily overlay text in multiple frames?

https://40.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3w6bcQznJ1r10tndo1_1280.jpg

i can't say i have a ton of experience with it, but GIMP is a free photoshop...imitator. i hesitate to call it a "clone" because i just tried using it for 20 minutes and it made me want to throw my computer out the window. but it's free. it's animation capabilities are extremely limited and it is the opposite of user-friendly. i managed to use a terrible guide (http://www.wikihow.com/Make-an-Animation-in-Gimp) to make this:

http://i.imgur.com/9hB01pC.gif

even just doing that was a struggle. where photoshop has an animation timeline where you can pick the number of frames and choose which layer(s) to display in each frame, GIMP requires you to create a single layer for each frame. so if you want a 10-frame GIF, you have to create 10 separate layers. then, to preview it, you click Filters>Animation>Playback, which lets you adjust the framerate and that's about it. It doesn't let you adjust the order of the frames, blend multiple layers in a single frame, or anything like that (at least not that i could figure out). then you can export the image as a GIF.

(i think GIMP also has a separate animation package called GAP that you can add that gives you more options, but in looking at screenshots and descriptions of it it looked like it was also pretty clunky)

I'm not sure that this is working correctly but I'm playing marble madness here: http://www.twitch.tv/weinventyou

if it's actually working please type a message here or on twitch (if you have an account). the setup was ultra-confusing for streaming mac games with voice in a separate channel (too convoluted to explain)

if i can figure this out i will attempt to do a marble madness marathon later, i just want to confirm that the audio isn't completely fucked up first

karl malone, i see u

oh nice! i see you! i feel weird.

brb putting hall and Oates on loop gotta get the mood right

It's working well! Audio/visual

Did you JUST shut it off?

sweet, it appears to work. yeah, i'm going to be back at 7pm EST (an hour from now) to play for real. gotta walk the dog and get a bite to eat.

my plan is to play marble madness over and over and gradually get my mad skillz back. i used to be good, but that with a real NES and a real controller. now i'm using an emulator and my cheap mac controller is really laggy - makes it difficult to play twitchy (pun intended) games like marble madness, but whatever.

might be back earlier if i can run my errands more quickly! brb

Is that your one game of expertise or is that just how... you're getting the ball rolling (with streaming on twitch)?

I have all the NES and snes games, so I can do any of those. I should do SMB3 instead when I get back!

Plus I can still play SMB3 relatively well, even with controller lag

ive considered twitch before it seems like it wld be fun but i spend a lot of time yelling expletives at the screen and that prob doesnt make compelling watching

There is a PACKAGE THIEF in my neighborhood rockin’ the MAILMAN jersey!

Cc: @UniWatch pic.twitter.com/fopFPdN5gH

— Cracker McJackson (@wwpky) April 5, 2018

Marble madness is so good

have you ever played crystallion: the return trip?

Haha, no...sadly all I’ve done is watch some footage of knights of crystallion. Looks like a real adventure!

btw mookie that wasn’t me. It was...wait for it...

...Ross I’m reminded that I haven’t evb played marble madness since around the time of that post a couple years ago. God I love that game. But I’ll never be a speedrunning champ. There are little tricks that I didn’t know about (like glitching through walls at a certain pixel) that are essential to even come close, and I can’t do it...

...Post Malone

Dude if you’re ever in my hood I got the nes here, we could reign supreme

13th pick in the 1985 draft ✅
2x MVP ✅
14x All-Star ✅
11x All-NBA First Team ✅
2x Olympic gold medalist ✅
2nd all-time @NBA points leader ✅
2nd all-time in minutes played ✅
32 retired in the rafters ✅

Happy birthday to the one and only Karl Malone 📬❤️ pic.twitter.com/4hMfOXBvx2

— Utah Jazz (@utahjazz) July 24, 2018

that day I killed all those people in the rafters...I thought no one found out

Breaking News: I will be going by my legal name “Zack” instead of my stage name “Zach”..... everyone continue to breath normally... #beenlivingalie #birthcertfail

— Zack Britton (@zbritton) February 7, 2019

w...t....f

better than caveman zak, i guess

Can I just say how much I still enjoy this video?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Noc0_fZcKno