Severe Anxiety

I was kind of a mess yesterday, just stressed out and irritable beyond any rational justification, drinking up the stress of everything around me. Thankfully I feel much better today. Nice when you wake up and everything resets.

One problem I'm having (and I'm acutely aware of how sad this sounds and I promise my life isn't this pathetic at all) is that my cat, who I got as a kitten after surviving some trauma and who has been a tremendous source of comfort for me ever since, is stressed out and that's manifesting in her overgrooming herself, to the point where she has bald patches. I hate watching her lick herself bald every waking moment of her day, and she's done so much to make me feel better I wish I could do the same for her. I know the cause of her anxiety (my partner moved in with her two cats) but on an irrational level I feel like she somehow internalized my own anxiety and I feel guilty about it.

TT, I remember a time when you thought you’d never even manage to go back to school- not only did you go back but you’re also going to grad school?!? That’s fucking awesome and amazing.

I am medication free, currently. I never felt it did all that much for me, partly as my anxiety is so uneven.

My anxiety is paralysing when its there, and when its not there its a wonderful feeling. I churn up inside when it is and its cost me dearly in many ways. I've come to the realisation for me that my anxiety is related to feelings of control and autonomy, and that I need small obstacles to climb over each day. That I need to focus on the small picture. I feel like life is walking on a high ledge, and if there are some obstacles to focus on....it stops you looking around and realising, fuck, I am on a very high ledge.

I watched this recently and its really Really good, its not specifically related to anxiety its just an amazing story, but the experiences of an English guy who spent 6 years in Joe Arpiao's Supermax prison in Arizona (was originally sentenced to 200 years). The highs and lows of this guys life, and the feelings of anxiety he had in prison, and to be where he is now (giving talks in schools in England). Idk, I got a lot out of it

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9golHCCdg4

Ive had to postpone two job interviews today due to the anxiety. Particularly strong today, pulsing trough my stomach, paralysed and churning.

Luckily there are a lot of job processes in play and these two will be the first I've missed

Thanks- neither is entirely sure yet, though, and my lack of preparation for grad during undergrad means I could be 36 by the time I get started on one of the basic necessities for working in my field of study. That, and the delay in seeking any treatment for The Gender Issue, is feeling kind of hopeless

I have never had a panic attack before but lately I feel on the verge of having a panic attack I'd say...4/5 of the time that I'm awake. Currently trying to psyche myself into giving off calm + casual vibes so I can tutor a ten-year-old without freaking him out.

tip to anyone - stay the fuck away from Mirtazapine

Recommend CBD for sufferers of anxiety. Non psycho-active, the effect is one of pain relief in the body and a subtle mental shield feeling; I find things that normlaly bother me no longer do and the bonus is you can function on it. May want to try 5 mg to start but I would suggest 20 mg as even that dose results in very mild sedation.

*normally

cbd pills are moderately helpful for me. would recommend at least trying them. one note of caution: some pills are better than others. you generally want the more expensive liquid extract pills rather than the solid hemp(?)-based cheaper ones

jim, how much are the liquid extract pills?

i can't remember because last time i got them it was a in a bottle and the quantity/price escapes me, but they're not partic cheap. thinking maybe $3 or $4 per pill.

have to find out which ones i'm taking, because they're 5 a pill, so not sure if i'm getting taken for a ride here...

but probably better to buy the bottle ya

oh yeah it might even have been $5 per tbh.

the amount of competition seems to keep dispensaries fairly honest here

^ yeah, glad about that mate

I have tried cbd in a tincture/eyedropper format and it had a slight calming effect but my main priority wrt this is my crohn's disease and it didn't really affect that after a month of daily. I think for crohn's I need a mostly-CBD-modicum-of-THC type thing. Have appointment with a GI who is also a w33d doctor this coming week.

Happening every day at the moment, from the minute I wake up until about 5pm when it starts to lessen.

I ordered some of these CBD things, cant wait for them to come!

how to fix anxiety? does therapy help? what if i have (what i believe to be) psychosomatic symptoms?

therapy helps but you really have to find the right therapist (sometimes trial and error). psychosomatic symptoms are common. I had twitching, feelings of blood whooshing through my legs, elevated heartrate. even spasms in my hand making it unable to grip things.

meds can help too. sometimes just knowing it's anxiety helps reduce the psychosomatic symptoms (often the fear perpetuates it).

meanwhile, I'm equal parts improving at managing mine and simultaneously ready to clock a motherfucker depending on what hour of the day it is.

I'm close friends with someone who has Asperger's that has boundary issues and has basically shared convos where she's been unduly harsh on other people. today she did it to me and I found myself telling her this directly and feeling paradoxically guilty about it as if nothing matters but ensuring everybody but me is happy because I deep down have always felt my own happiness doesn't matter.

This is why some days I want to walk in front of a moving truck, and others I have such a good vibe I can just relax in the place I'm in for hours. when work calms down and my stress isn't so high I feel like I'll be better able to set boundaries with people. when I get weak due to emotional and physical fatigue....I don't respect myself.

Therapy helps a lot. One of the worst things about anxiety is the feeling of helplessness, so just knowing that you're doing something about it can give you back some sense of control. Also just having a therapist, somebody who's job is looking out for you and your health and happiness, is a very comforting thing.

I went from having horrific, barely tolerable, nearly constant anxiety to having just occasional inconvenient flashes of it. I don't know if I can ever completely erase it, but just having it under control feels like a major victory that I'm thankful for every day.

I love when you have a really shitty day, the third in a row in a really shitty week, and you're practically shaky cos you're so mad, and then your friend gets fired from her job and immediately wants to hang out for comfort on a day where you really just want to sit at home.

I like this friend (although she's really high maintenance) so it's not out of obligation, but I either get to eat the "I say no and now I get to deal with your fireworks, which stress me out even more", or the "I say yes, and now I get to hear all about your terrible day where we pretend I also didn't have a really fucked day". in an easier week I'd have the energy to be a dick, my nerves are so fried I just am trying to prevent all additional friction at this point. I had to tell her yesterday that she was being rude and she apologized, today I don't even have the energy to do anything but nod and sigh.

*shaking

hope your night goes better, Neanderthal. Know the feeling of not having the capacity to be there for someone who needs it too much and you give in anyway. hopefully you'll find some time just to veg soon

thanks. usually reading is my vice when this happens so hopefully I'll get to leaf through pages.

it was weird, last night when this same friend was rude to me at the beginning of the conversation, I calmly called out that it was uncalled for and drew an apology, but felt paradoxically disappointed when I got the apology as a part of me wanted her to escalate further so I'd have the opportunity to yell at *somebody*. not a fan of that reaction, but not in my right mind atm.

when I'm stressed I buy star wars memorabilia, so my collection got huge this week.

I had to have an abcessed wisdom tooth removed on Saturday and have been varying degrees of a hypochondriac wreck since then. I haven't had symptoms that point toward a serious complication but every little weird/off/bad feeling has me freaking out. On Monday it was so bad that I went to the ER. My heart was racing and nothing I could do would make it stop. It was just a panic attack (one of the worst I've had) and I've been a bit better the past few days but still basically consumed by dread. I keep telling myself that I'm okay and that I'm going to be okay and it feels true some of the time, but Jesus this is rough.

my friend who has Asperger's has often tied the line of saying unacceptable things. I've been patient understanding her circumstances and let some things slide, and even when giving feedback, have been calm and quiet about it.

today, on the other hand, I told her my friend might join us at Metal Night tonight at a local club and she asked to see a pic (note she's bringing a friend too), and I showed her, and she said "omg he looks like a cancer". I gave benefit ofthe doubt and thought she meant Zodiac sign, and she didn't. Thought she was making a bad 'he's got cancer cuz he has no hair", nope. she clarifies that he looks like a "cancer of a person" and that she was sorry but he looked like he'd bug her.

so I tell her that's a messed up thing to say about a friend of mine and she just starts railing on me asking "are you really going to be mad at mea bout this", and I didn't back down and said well, you said something fucked up about a friend.

then she says I'm overreacting and acting like a "chick" about this and says I"m being over-sensitive about a comment she made while she was "high". I said I was less mad about that comment and more the offensive things she said to me afterwards.

so now I'm having a bad bout of anxiety because even though I know I wasn't wrong I always feel like I am and despite me feeling good that I stood up for myself, I feel bad for 'upsetting her' even though what she said to me was far worse and I was merely stating factually what bothered me.

so yay, I'm crying and stressed out now when I was having a good day. I hate having such a low opinion of myself that even this level of defending myself is so taxing.

She sounds terrible tbh. You are fine.

thanks - sometimes I feel like I'm overreacting to stuff so that makes me feel better.

one friend asked why I hang out with her. it's actually because on normal occasions, like this past Tuesday, she's been a lot of fun to hang around, and we make each other laugh and have helped each other through some tough times. most of her transgressions prior to now had been minor and when I had called her out a few weeks ago for something she said to me, she apologized immediately and said she handled it wrong. so to suddenly say I'm acting "like a chick" (which is p weird for someone who claims to be a feminist to toss around as a pejorative), I was kind of shocked.

io super otm
i'd recommend cutting that person loose
friends aren't supposed to make you cry

even if they are nice to you sometimes, this person's behavior sounds manipulative and wrong

the only thing "wrong" with you is that it sounds like you have seriously dysfunctional friends ... not to be a dick, because I've definitely had my share of those, and it can be challenging to change the way you make friends, or to change social circles or whatever. It's like dating, except having no friends is bad in a way that not dating/being in a relationship isn't.

none taken! it's true. for years I was weak and let myself get manipulated easily and had bad people in my life, and therapy has kind of 'woke' me out of that, so I have been pruning the people I associate with over the last few years. the unfortunate drawback is I've kind of forgotten how to handle these tough situations since my current batch of friends don't generally cause me grief.

i'm better now. thanks all!

good job!

im back home in nz for a week and my anxiety has been so horrific that I completely broke down this morning and called my mum to come over to my sisters place and hold me while I bawled my eyes out. I’m 38 and this is the first time I’ve ever asked her to do such a thing. We don’t have that kind of relationship but she really came through for me. She surprised me even further when, as she was leaving, I said thanks so much for coming and she replied “I’m happy you felt like you could ask me”.

i was doing something hard at work today that was stressing me out and suddenly my limbs got heavy and i felt sick. then i was afraid because i have a history of fainting and i was probably about one minute away from that. i talked myself out of it by just breathing and stuff because there were no other options. i was so afraid of saying anything or putting my head down because of the people around and because i knew the one person i would tell would probably do too much and make it a big deal. i want to not be anxious anymore. some stuff i've learned to just self-talk myself out of but not everything :(

It's hard because anxiety feeds on itself so once it gets a head of steam, coping techniques are difficult due to not being able to focus long enough to use them.

Much <3

Harbl you are a fucking badass and I wish I had half the guts/nerve you have.

I was in that "I'm about five seconds from death" spiral a few weeks ago. Was convinced heart attack or stroke. Stood up, was about to yell "I'm having a heart attack" in an office full of people. Convinced myself to pace around and try to drink water.

I think I'm experiencing hypoglycemia due to the alcohol I consume to deal with anxiety, but unfortunately hypoglycemia seems to cause really bad anxiety, worse than alcohol resolves.I still have no idea what a pancreas or gallbladder is. My liver seems intact, but I'm extremely concerned about pancreases, bladders, kidneys, that sort of thing. What is diabetes? Do I have it?

Vertigo had been increasing steadily which is an issue as I work in a skyscraper. However, felt good today and even sat with my knees against the glass window looking out over the city below.

Lung health and related oxygen-related hypochondrias have been upgraded to "stable" following a marked reduction in bouts of lung-related hypochondria or anxiety since quitting smoking. Recommend quitting smoking for anyone who has the anx.

It's such a cliched, corny thing, but I honestly feel like, for immediate, temporary respite: controlled slow breathing really does work. You have to be very mindful and methodic. Gently in through the nose and just as gently out through the mouth. For a moment, anyway, it at least takes my mind away from how crazy my mind is getting (if that makes sense?). Makes coming back to the chaos a little easier to assess.

That "grounding" thing doesn't work for me at all. I know everybody's different, but I find that pacing or increased movement exacerbates things.

I'm sorry to say, but vertigo can be a sign of something more serious. Have you seen a physician about your symptoms?

Hope you get some reprieve soon.

https://i.imgur.com/DqK7H0S.gif

I swear by this octagonal onion of breath.

Gently in through the nose and just as gently out through the mouth.

Or inhaling, then closing the mouth for a bit and then exhaling tends to work quite well too.

Re: general anxiety (obviously not if you're having some kind of legitimate emergency issue) I've taken to making a mantra of 'I am an organism whose immediate needs are being met'. Basically just a reminder in any given moment that I am clothed, fed, sheltered, and generally safe from harm, and that any panic I'm feeling is a response to something outside of that and most likely among the small stuff that I should try not to sweat. It's proving to be fairly effective for me, but I'm sure YMMV.

wondering if anyone has a line on this one

i work in a media job where i am very involved in profiling artists

and almost every time i have a piece published i suffer absolutely unbearable anxiety about how the subject will feel, terrified that i will have fucked up their story or misrepresented them in some way

at the height of this i can barely function and truly crave oblivion so i can escape the worry - i just totally lack the ability to say “i did my best and my intentions were good” - in my mind the consequences of my work will always be catastrophic and i am a fool and an asshole for presuming to do this job

i guess i am asking - do other people have familiarity with this sort of media-related anxiety? any tips for coping/avoiding (including medication)?

or am i just in the wrong profession? i have just sort of ended up in this gig, and with my rational head on i can see that it could be fun and a privilege. but every week this feeling is waiting and it is really horrible when it hits.

i sometimes feel manageable anxiety in other parts of my life, but it is the idea of my work being widely distributed that really turbo-charges this feeling i think. although maybe i would find a way to hate myself in other arenas, i dunno.

Since this sounds almost phobic, imo therapy + meds might be the answer. If you experience anxiety in other areas of your life then def talk to a dr about meds.

it is the idea of my work being widely distributed that really turbo-charges this feeling i think. although maybe i would find a way to hate myself in other arenas, i dunno.

yeah, I can relate to this. I don't want to assume that my feelings are your feelings, but the fears of fucking up in a public way and "betraying someone's trust" or letting them down are definitely major anxiety producing things! I have had a variety of different jobs with different responsibilities, and I do kinda compare the different degrees of anxiety (or lack thereof) that each provoke. There are plenty of people that don't do the type of work you do or that I do (and have done) because it is so anxiety producing! So, you should feel at least somewhat strong that you have stepped up and done it and are currently still at it.

i just totally lack the ability to say “i did my best and my intentions were good”

one way to cope is to try to get to the point where you can do this?

just1n3 is also otm ... meds would probably be useful. there are some fairly mild ones that help with anxiety (or at least are mild in smaller doses). I know that I definitely need them.

Other coping mechanisms (for me) -- definitely helped by being on anti-anxiety meds -- is to do something else when you are anxious about a piece coming out. like, I notice you are on the semantle thread! even if it's something like that ... a way to compartmentalize and be able to exist outside of the source of the anxiety?

^^^^ yeah, the meds aren’t going to cure that phobia-like reaction but they’ll help with being more present to learn behaviors that WILL curb the panic feelings.

You could also try things like filling both hands with ice and holding for a minute when you feel that severe anxiety coming on, or eating an intensely sour candy - it interrupts that spiral, something to do with the vagus nerve.

thanks so much guys - i think i probably have to have a crack at meds - i have done a bit of counselling/therapy addressing these areas and that has been helpful, especially when it was ongoing - but in the heat of heavy deadline pressure and complex approval workflows, the stress reaction knocks out any broader/wiser perspective and the old fears come flooding in

when i wrote it down here i could see that it is deeply tied up with hopelessly low levels of self-regard/fear of judgement etc - but i also think it is definitely exacerbated by the nature of the work, and particularly by changing discussions around representation - who am i as a middle-aged white male to presume to tell the story of someone with a different life experience? at some point you become very conscious that you don’t know what you don’t know

anyway, super grateful to be able to share the thoughts and receive advice, thanks again

My wife has similar responsibilities, where she is making time-sensitive statements about public issues, and something that she finds a relief is to have someone who double-checks her work. She needs this external point-of-view so she can stop questioning herself.
Hopefully you can find someone whose opinion you can trust, and who can speak with some authority about the issues and people you're writing about.