Rate the people sitting across or next to you on public transport

ledge, i love that story.

"dweeb" is in my dictionary

Idiot couple sitting across from me on 3.5 hour train journey yesterday, you deserve more detail than one sentence allows; So...

Slurring, lager downing man, whose every mumbled utterance was leapt upon by (clearly) new girlfriend as though it were Oscar Wilde/Dorothy Parker reborn, accompanied by incessant, braying laughter, and you also put your filthy feet all over the seats in front - 3/10, at least I couldn't hear you much.

As for you, his sweet babboo, when you reach the point that a father on seats behind takes to imitating your laugh, to the delight of his children ("That's it Dad! She sounds just like a sheep!!") you might want to think about dialling down the chuckles, also when you complained that my wife and I were just sitting quietly reading and enjoying the scenery rather than pawing each other, making out and hobbling off to take coke in the train toilets: WE CAN HEAR YOU. That's a solid 0/10, you vacuous imbecile.

Guy noisily chowing down on a family-sized bag of crisps for your breakfast with a large bottle of coke to wash it down, 2/10 with a side order of diabetes.

I'm sure your army friend who takes the piss out of black people, Chinese people, Indian people, is really really funny and totally justified because he has the experience.

(4/10 cause your friend clearly thinks you are hilarious)

Respectable-looking middle-aged guy on the metro intently reading the articles in what appears to be a barely-legal porn magazine oblivious to the giggling fits of the teenage girls sitting on both sides of you, although i applaud your dedication to the literary arts, this really isn't socially acceptable. 3/10

Be the change you want to see imo.

Loud yank girls trading long flat syllabic inanities loudly- 2/10

Innercity couple arguing about whether the smell has come out of her tracksuit 7/10

Fat aged marketing cokehead with expert opinions on stuff, to be shared with random crosseyed nun beside him 5 at best

And only 5 cos she rolled her eyes at me about you

At least i think she did

There's a man diagonally opposite me on the train right now literally shouting into his phone while detailing the events of his day. He's doing this while eating McDonald's and every other sentence is soused in chewing noises. He's in a business suit, of course. 2/10

elderly dude wearing black everything with red trim including leather laptop bag, teased up white hair, general air of Kraftwerk's older brother: 9/10

Sharply-dressed man with immaculate haircut eating sloppy porridge from a green plastic bowl
- 6/10 simply for making me wonder where he produced said bowl from

Shameless lady in commuter sportswear speaking extremely loudly on the phone about what a fantastic weekend she had driving around in her new car
- 4/10 why do people do this? Nobody gives a shit!

Woman who bustled in and proceeded to plonk herself down with such aimless force between me and another passenger that she practically sat on my lap, then pretended not to notice my audible 'oomph' and the fact I had to spend the rest of the journey sitting with just one butt-cheek on my seat.
- 3/10 just ask and i'll happily get out your way.

beanie hat playing loud autotuned dancehall on the jubilee line - 7/10 for causing not inconsiderable consternation amongst white bourgie exec types sitting opposite

entire harlequins home support - 2/10 because this is the premiership rugby special out of waterloo after all

am in a 'quiet zone' and am somewhat tempted to invoke it for the only time in my life

braying tories really are one of the worst things about the uk

they're louder than any other group people hatefully tar with the same brush

would you rather be in a train carriage full of harlequins fans or harlequin foetuses

depends. the latter, if the train train was going from ireland to the uk.

Too late to make the trip across the water for the latter

someone on my 380 bus is beatboxing, drumming and singing some old-school r&b very loudly

it is the driver

10

by the time I got off he had moved on to some particularly melodious whistling

Please stop scratching yourself down there

Couple of days ago, guy having a weird phone conversation:

"So, my sister died last week and no-one in my family told me, my brother said I should phone her but I didn't know how close she was to death. Anyway, how's you and the dog?"

... followed by a lot of jokey football chat.

People deal, yknow

I know, but you had to be there to realize quite how weird it was, though I'm so old fashioned I would never have a personal conversation of any kind on public transport.

oh god no, i can barely even bring myself to talk to my wife when we’re together in a quiet waiting room or whatever

I recently heard someone at the back of the bus loudly explaining the dynamic of how people who are not "grassers" get falsely accused of being "grassers". And it went something like(with lots of fucks + fuckings): "When people can't afford a bottle of cider and are bored at home, they just go on facebook and make up fucking rumours about people, I'm fucking telling you pal!". When I saw him getting off he was a severe looking brute and I totally avoided any eye contact, lest I become a "grasser" suspect.

i just can't deal with taking calls on public transport. sadly a lot of people i know absolutely do not get this. 'Can't speak now, I'm on the train' / 'So? What's the matter with that?'... Just makes me feel like the Dom Joly sketch with the massive phone

Bell-end who stood right up against me on a half-empty tram: minus several billion for being a dick

― You are wrong (Autumn Almanac), Tuesday, 23 September 2008 13:44 (nine years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

inexplicably i still remember this

Hugely intolerant of people who double-strap their backpacks and then don't take them off in packed carriages.

there are several types of people for whom public conversations, on the phone or in person, have a performative aspect - they want your attention

my 11 year old daughter double straps her backpack on packed carriages bc otherwise she'll get crushed or will risk having her pack stolen---that's life on her daily commute (which she does by herself) on two of Europe's busiest metro lines.

I've found that driver again! He's on the 124 this time. Singing some sort of devotional prayer and drumming along. It certainly adds something

twats who insist on standing at the front making getting on and off a hassle even tho there are at least half a dozen empty seats -infinity/10

sitting in the aisle seat with your bag on the window seat DIE DIE DIE

this is why i travel everywhere on my own private hovercraft

Sitting across from a stranger at the crowded local lunch spot. I assumed she would be on her phone or something so I wasn’t eating my fried chicken very elegantly—sort of wolfing it down. Looked up and saw she did not have a phone and was looking directly at me.

0/10 even though it’s my fault for eating like a barbarian

twats who insist on standing at the front making getting on and off a hassle even tho there are at least half a dozen empty seats -infinity/10

― drugs don't kill people, poppers do (Noodle Vague), Monday, 5 February 2018 06:23 (twenty-eight minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

their look of genuine surprise when you have no choice but to barge through them almost makes this worth it

almost

Here he is!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsQAm3eXano

:D

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CjWvPsmHDQ

to have been driven by him twice in three months having never noticed him before is pretty cool

Black American driver of 176 stopping at Camberwell Green at 3am and walking round the bus shouting "I WANNA SAY THIS REAL CLEAR SO Y'ALL DON'T HAVE TO KEEP ASKIN ME - THIS BUS WILL TERMINATE AT DULWICH LIBRARY. IT AIN'T GOIN TO FOREST HILL. IT AIN'T GOIN TO SYDEN-HAM. IT AIN'T GOIN TO FUCKIN PENGE. IT TERMINATES AT DULWICH LIBRARY" - 10/10

― That mong guy that's shit, Monday, 17 March 2008 12:13 (nine years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

A big weekend coming up. I still think about this often.

Sorry about that username tho

discovered last night that 'penge' is Danish for 'money' fyi

any time Fred B makes a good point we could refer to it as GOIN TO FUCKIN PENGE

well at least we won't be using that phrase then

headers and volleys

Penge is where the dude from Denmark Hill kept his cash, famously.

guy who sat on the set of three sideways-facing seats near the front and laid his wet umbrella across the other two seats

you get -3 out of 10 for taking up three seats, which I am going to double for making them damp for future passengers, so -6

make it -7 for coughing repeatedly without covering your mouth

I am of course an exemplary 10/10 passenger myself, apart from being fat, and having no sense of balance, and a miscalibrated sense of personal space, and having a big tatty seat-encroaching coat with needlessly bulging pockets, and... er, never mind