Rate the people sitting across or next to you on public transport

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Guy with weird half-Irish/half-American accent asking other members of his travelling party questions from The Times' culture section Q&A: 2/10
Ridiculously posh Indian girl with large teeth saying that she feels unfulfilled because her parents never took her to the opera: 8/10
Guy with straw-like hair and Saracens rugby shirt who had the ponderous facial expression of a man who's just lost his job/mother: 1/10

Dom Passantino, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 11:02 (twelve years ago) link

self-important haggard-looking cunt tapping away on a laptop on the bus and staring at me like a creepy weirdo while simulteneously posting sub-noise board bollocks to a forum that doesn't care: 0/10

g-kit, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 11:13 (twelve years ago) link

boys boys am i going to have to tie you two together.

Tracer Hand, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 11:15 (twelve years ago) link

"weird half-Irish/half-American accent" = from Dublin, i thought

Tracer Hand, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 11:15 (twelve years ago) link

simultenuously perhaps?

SeekAltRoute, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 11:16 (twelve years ago) link

Are you all on the same bus?

Michael Jones, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 11:23 (twelve years ago) link

Lady with strange pink coat doing sudoku: you put the three in the wrong place. You've just noticed that you've gone wrong, and you are filling in the rest of the numbers anyway. I like your approach! 5/10 (you would get more points but h0t d4mn that is an eye-popping coat).

... is there a bus?

Sarah, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 11:25 (twelve years ago) link

The bus is a metaphor.

onimo, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 11:25 (twelve years ago) link

Literally! (Metaphor is Greek for transport)

Stevie T, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 11:27 (twelve years ago) link

The reason why I liked sudoku lady was because I had a very bad time with a cryptic crossword, and was scribbling all over the page ie I was crossing out the word "cryptic" and scrawling "rubbidge" instead so it read HOW TO DO RUBBISH CROSSWORDS and then gave up and started drawing Moomins. This lady was not doodling moomins. I should probably detract another point. But her devil may care attitude towards numbers was still something I approve of. OK, your mark can stay.

Sarah, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 11:32 (twelve years ago) link

were dom and g-kit really on the same bus?

blueski, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 11:44 (twelve years ago) link

It's a small world.

Dom Passantino, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 11:46 (twelve years ago) link

Was g-kit talking about Dom?

onimo, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 11:49 (twelve years ago) link

onimo? is that you?

blueski, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 11:50 (twelve years ago) link

Quiet at the back, I'm trying to listen to this geezer's mobile phone.

Michael Jones, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 11:59 (twelve years ago) link

you guys get wifi on buses?

ken c, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 12:00 (twelve years ago) link

I was actually on a train, Birmingham New Street to London Euston.

Dom Passantino, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 12:02 (twelve years ago) link

The ridiculously good looking tall blonde girl who got on the bus yesterday - the kind who makes you feel like you ought to top yourself or risk never being able to get it up again with another woman as long as you live so you may as well just become a eunuch or something... 0/10

the next grozart, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 12:04 (twelve years ago) link

"Are you all on the same bus?"

Guy with straw-like hair = G-Kit????

Chinese lady screaming on phone next to me. I turned to her and said:"Can I twist your nose a little bit to turn up the volume? Then you don't have to use the phone to call yr mum in Beijing."

nathalie, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 12:06 (twelve years ago) link

What do you mean I didn't validate my oyster?

Sarah, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 12:07 (twelve years ago) link

The sort of overweight Swampyish-looking guy on the train who was scrawling what looked like quasi-religious nonsense over each column of a colour supplement in fat purple marker - 6/10

the next grozart, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 12:07 (twelve years ago) link

The quite attractive girl who was sort of chatting me up the other day in the pub but now on the train looked a bit like she ought to be on an episode of the Office as one of the acountants who don't say anything - well you were nice to me in the pub so 7/10.

the next grozart, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 12:11 (twelve years ago) link

Plus I probably looked worse.

the next grozart, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 12:11 (twelve years ago) link

Woman downstairs somewhere on 171 berating every single passenger on the bus at punishing length for blocking doors, dithering and generally being in the way, and subsequently bollocking entire family on pavement for not crossing the road at a designated place: 8/10, +1 for subsequently turning out to be the driver

Michael Philip Philip Philip philip Annoyman, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 12:18 (twelve years ago) link

old man on 185 who pushed Jamaican mum and kids out of the way saying "i'm fucking disabled" and then grumbling at me about how "they think they own the place", resulting in a sweary argument and me calling old man a racist prick, 0/10. you will die soon.

stevie, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 12:53 (twelve years ago) link


lfam, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 13:13 (twelve years ago) link

i don't miss public transit

lfam, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 13:13 (twelve years ago) link

go on stevie!

the next grozart, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 13:14 (twelve years ago) link

passed-out tramp on 38 whose stench forced evacuation of bus somewhere around angel, 1/10 (one point for anecdotal value)

lex pretend, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 13:16 (twelve years ago) link

Old boy and old girl who didn't appear to have met before having a loud conversation across the bus about how one goes about getting cataracts removed - 9/10

the next grozart, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 13:18 (twelve years ago) link

young dude sitting opposite me on the 57 last night, who smelt like he'd pissed himself. 0/10

stevie, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 13:29 (twelve years ago) link

15-yr-old boy skiving school striking up conversation with 15-yr-old-girl on back seat also skiving school, about skiving school, during which it became apparent that they didn't know each other, and ten minutes into which he asked for her number: 9/10

15-yr-old girl who casually gave her number out and then, as the boy got off the bus and bid adieu with the words "I'll see you around", rebuffed him with "Yeah. Right. And that was my boyfriend's number": 10/10

lex pretend, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 13:48 (twelve years ago) link

this was on the 277

lex pretend, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 13:48 (twelve years ago) link

this is a spectacular thread idea, too bad i walk everywhere

Maria, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 13:50 (twelve years ago) link

xpost that last one was great

Maria, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 13:50 (twelve years ago) link

Morbidly obese woman who held up an entire Tube train for 10mins a week or so after forcing her way rudely through the doors past a crowd of people, then ringing the alarm and accusing a poor bloke trying to get past her, shouting "CALL THE POLICE, HE TOUCHED MY MONKEY!", while the dude was trying to get to the airport and incidentally holding a suitcase in each hand: -10/10

Matt DC, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 14:04 (twelve years ago) link

Aren't the schools on holiday this week? Maybe they've been skiving school so long they don't know when they're not meant to be there.

onimo, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 14:06 (twelve years ago) link

oh that was ages ago, it was just too good to forget

lex pretend, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 14:08 (twelve years ago) link

also ages ago:

the three schoolgirls who were singing 'gold digger' in rounds (ie two harmonising on the sample and one rapping, swapping roles for each verse): 1000000000000/10

lex pretend, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 14:09 (twelve years ago) link

I would like to ride the bus with those girls.

I just get high-schoolers who half-heartedly relive classics like "Gettin' some head, get get gettin' some head." 0/10

Ms Misery, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 14:13 (twelve years ago) link

Is that a song, or are they actually gettin' some head? 0/10 for class but quite a lot more than that for envy.

Mark C, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 14:23 (twelve years ago) link

Too much information.

Matt DC, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 14:25 (twelve years ago) link

it is a song by shawnna. i like it but it's not as good as 'shake dat shit'

lex pretend, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 14:25 (twelve years ago) link

If there have been young people actually getting head on the bus I've gratefully missed it.

Ms Misery, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 14:26 (twelve years ago) link

The scarey wild-eyed skinheads who stood on the platform drinking Wifebeater and spitting everywhere at 4:30pm, who when confronted by a large crowd of people trying to get off the train they were so hurriedly trying to board yelled out at a random alighter - "OI MANNERS MATE - MANNERS!" - 3/10

the next grozart, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 14:40 (twelve years ago) link

talking of which, girl who tried to give me head on back seat of bus 7/10 (i already knew her)

self who was too embarrassed 0/10

600, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 14:50 (twelve years ago) link

15-yr-old-looking girl in an Air Force ROTC uniform smacking her toddler on the head and yelling "get your ass off the bus" when we reach the high school, 0/10

Older hippie woman who scrambles out of the two seats her bag and electric bike battery require in order to give them to other people when we are within two stops of hers, 9/10

Ms Misery, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 16:05 (twelve years ago) link

i can't stand people who leave their bags on seats when trains/buses are busy. its like they are daring people to make them be considerate.

i don't feel remotely proud about the above altercation, shouting at old cripples isn't really my style, even if they deserve it.

stevie, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 16:28 (twelve years ago) link

Man I ride the bus with every morning and who sounds like he has tuberculosis used to be 0/10 when I thought he was just odd and gross. After seeing him this weekend parading along Main Street wearing a gold crown and not one but two read capes? At least a 9/10.

ENBB, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 18:08 (twelve years ago) link

oops - Meant read capes, obviously.

ENBB, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 18:09 (twelve years ago) link

I know, but you had to be there to realize quite how weird it was, though I'm so old fashioned I would never have a personal conversation of any kind on public transport.

The buttermilk of Beelzebub (Tom D.), Thursday, 23 November 2017 11:08 (one year ago) link

oh god no, i can barely even bring myself to talk to my wife when we’re together in a quiet waiting room or whatever

It happens sometimes. People just explode. Natural causes. (bizarro gazzara), Thursday, 23 November 2017 11:46 (one year ago) link

I recently heard someone at the back of the bus loudly explaining the dynamic of how people who are not "grassers" get falsely accused of being "grassers". And it went something like(with lots of fucks + fuckings): "When people can't afford a bottle of cider and are bored at home, they just go on facebook and make up fucking rumours about people, I'm fucking telling you pal!". When I saw him getting off he was a severe looking brute and I totally avoided any eye contact, lest I become a "grasser" suspect.

calzino, Thursday, 23 November 2017 12:06 (one year ago) link

i just can't deal with taking calls on public transport. sadly a lot of people i know absolutely do not get this. 'Can't speak now, I'm on the train' / 'So? What's the matter with that?'... Just makes me feel like the Dom Joly sketch with the massive phone

Fox Mulder, FYI (dog latin), Thursday, 23 November 2017 12:13 (one year ago) link

Bell-end who stood right up against me on a half-empty tram: minus several billion for being a dick

― You are wrong (Autumn Almanac), Tuesday, 23 September 2008 13:44 (nine years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

inexplicably i still remember this

rove mcmanus island (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, 23 November 2017 15:07 (one year ago) link

Hugely intolerant of people who double-strap their backpacks and then don't take them off in packed carriages.

Matt DC, Thursday, 23 November 2017 15:17 (one year ago) link

there are several types of people for whom public conversations, on the phone or in person, have a performative aspect - they want your attention

who says no to mentals? (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 23 November 2017 15:26 (one year ago) link

my 11 year old daughter double straps her backpack on packed carriages bc otherwise she'll get crushed or will risk having her pack stolen---that's life on her daily commute (which she does by herself) on two of Europe's busiest metro lines.

droit au butt (Euler), Thursday, 23 November 2017 15:50 (one year ago) link

two months pass...

I've found that driver again! He's on the 124 this time. Singing some sort of devotional prayer and drumming along. It certainly adds something

imago, Sunday, 4 February 2018 14:20 (one year ago) link

twats who insist on standing at the front making getting on and off a hassle even tho there are at least half a dozen empty seats -infinity/10

drugs don't kill people, poppers do (Noodle Vague), Sunday, 4 February 2018 19:23 (one year ago) link

sitting in the aisle seat with your bag on the window seat DIE DIE DIE

drugs don't kill people, poppers do (Noodle Vague), Sunday, 4 February 2018 19:24 (one year ago) link

this is why i travel everywhere on my own private hovercraft

i gotta be a gazpacho man (bizarro gazzara), Sunday, 4 February 2018 19:28 (one year ago) link

Sitting across from a stranger at the crowded local lunch spot. I assumed she would be on her phone or something so I wasn’t eating my fried chicken very elegantly—sort of wolfing it down. Looked up and saw she did not have a phone and was looking directly at me.

treeship 2, Sunday, 4 February 2018 19:29 (one year ago) link

0/10 even though it’s my fault for eating like a barbarian

treeship 2, Sunday, 4 February 2018 19:29 (one year ago) link

twats who insist on standing at the front making getting on and off a hassle even tho there are at least half a dozen empty seats -infinity/10

― drugs don't kill people, poppers do (Noodle Vague), Monday, 5 February 2018 06:23 (twenty-eight minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

their look of genuine surprise when you have no choice but to barge through them almost makes this worth it


rove mcmanus island (Autumn Almanac), Sunday, 4 February 2018 19:55 (one year ago) link

Here he is!


imago, Friday, 16 February 2018 00:07 (one year ago) link



to have been driven by him twice in three months having never noticed him before is pretty cool

imago, Friday, 16 February 2018 00:08 (one year ago) link

one month passes...


― That mong guy that's shit, Monday, 17 March 2008 12:13 (nine years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

A big weekend coming up. I still think about this often.

Sorry about that username tho

Dadjokke (Sgt. Biscuits), Friday, 16 March 2018 10:04 (one year ago) link

discovered last night that 'penge' is Danish for 'money' fyi

imago, Friday, 16 March 2018 13:53 (one year ago) link

any time Fred B makes a good point we could refer to it as GOIN TO FUCKIN PENGE

imago, Friday, 16 March 2018 13:55 (one year ago) link

well at least we won't be using that phrase then

as the crows around me grows (Noodle Vague), Friday, 16 March 2018 13:56 (one year ago) link

headers and volleys

imago, Friday, 16 March 2018 13:58 (one year ago) link

Penge is where the dude from Denmark Hill kept his cash, famously.

Tim, Friday, 16 March 2018 16:43 (one year ago) link

three weeks pass...

guy who sat on the set of three sideways-facing seats near the front and laid his wet umbrella across the other two seats

you get -3 out of 10 for taking up three seats, which I am going to double for making them damp for future passengers, so -6

make it -7 for coughing repeatedly without covering your mouth

I am of course an exemplary 10/10 passenger myself, apart from being fat, and having no sense of balance, and a miscalibrated sense of personal space, and having a big tatty seat-encroaching coat with needlessly bulging pockets, and... er, never mind

a passing spacecadet, Monday, 9 April 2018 11:05 (one year ago) link

Are you all on the same bus?
― Michael Jones, Tuesday, April 3, 2007

the pinefox, Monday, 9 April 2018 11:40 (one year ago) link

Passenger in carriage 1 with big hairy dog 0/10
Passenger in carriage 2 with big bunch of smelly flowers 0/10
Passenger in carriage 3 with noisy kid playing noisier iPad game 1/10

On another message board there's a 0/10 for the crying, sneezing, angry guy who keeps changing seats.

a simian who gave no fucks (onimo), Monday, 9 April 2018 15:11 (one year ago) link

i don't even specify quiet carriage any more when i book a train ticket because i think i get more stressed by the inability of chimps to keep quiet in that carriage than in the others

vermicious kid (Noodle Vague), Monday, 9 April 2018 15:14 (one year ago) link

i ask myself if people just have a different sense of what "quiet" means, like as long as you're not playing a full one-man band ensemble or doing a bit of impromptu drilling then sitting there chatting bollocks for an hour or phoning somebody to tell them that you're on a train is quiet.

vermicious kid (Noodle Vague), Monday, 9 April 2018 15:20 (one year ago) link

Embroidered “Unknown Pleasures” patch on back of jacket, patchy chinstrap beard, geometric below-ear tattoo of some kind, otherwise inoffensive, 5/10

valorous wokelord (silby), Monday, 9 April 2018 15:21 (one year ago) link

I'm back on the bus with the drumming singing driver :D it's the 124 again

imago, Thursday, 12 April 2018 10:50 (one year ago) link

Pyramid hat guy is opposite me right now. Well-dressed businessman, probably late-40s, in tweed jacket, with faraway air

imago, Sunday, 15 April 2018 16:21 (one year ago) link

Pair of strangers at front of the bus having a loud convo about Supermarket Sweep, dead celebs and NHS waiting times for scans 8/10

you're my luger not my rifle (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 19 April 2018 15:51 (one year ago) link

two weeks pass...

On the bus this evening there was a guy wearing a baseball cap with what appeared to be 'cuck' written across it. I looked closer and it actually read 'rock', but in a terribly stylised Gothic bro font like on some brands of energy drink.

2018 has to be better (snoball), Friday, 4 May 2018 19:47 (one year ago) link

generally commuting in this morning everyone looked on point and well dressed and i was in random shit i’d flung together. everyone else 10/10, me, 4.

Fizzles, Friday, 4 May 2018 20:25 (one year ago) link


soref, Monday, 14 May 2018 07:44 (one year ago) link

nobody is coming out of that with any credit tbh

imago, Monday, 14 May 2018 08:20 (one year ago) link

one month passes...

Dear bored-looking student solving a neon-colored Rubik's Cube at lightning speed, then dropping it back into her neon-colored purse, you are a 9.5/10.

oder doch?, Sunday, 8 July 2018 20:22 (one year ago) link

two weeks pass...

Dear gang of Belgians chatting to the guy with the super-English accent who looks and sounds kind of like someone I vaguely know (hope it wasn't),

I appreciate that you don't want to carry your wheely suitcases upstairs, but the downstairs of the bus is full and the upstairs of the bus is 99% empty and you're sitting on the stairs goddammit do you not see a problem here

0/10, or if I feel generous 2/10 and everyone with a seat and no infirmities on the ground floor docked 2 points for not moving upstairs for you, but it's the hottest day of the year so I don't feel very generous

a passing spacecadet, Thursday, 26 July 2018 16:49 (one year ago) link

Dear blonde guy called Lars with a Richard Spencer haircut, a mauve lurex blazer, a designer jute bag, and Laura Ashley patterned shorts, drunkenly chatting up every Arab-looking man on a late night commuter train, you get eight points for chutzpah and minus nine for style.

oder doch?, Thursday, 26 July 2018 21:38 (one year ago) link

one month passes...

Daerest fattey chewing out three public servants on behalf of your unemployed boyfriend, then breaking up with said boyfriend over a minor quibble, over the phone, in a matter of twenty minutes, while munching down a bag of chips, you live your life to the fullest and I respect that. 8/10

oder doch?, Monday, 10 September 2018 21:55 (one year ago) link

one month passes...

Sitting in a railway waiting room in Crewe right now. A man comes over, "Is it Kevin Price, a rock band, Amen Corner?". Me, "Sorry?. Man, "Like Liverpool, like battle fort". Me, "Sorry, I've got no idea what you're talking about'. Then he goes to the bar to buy a pint of Caffrey's, from a very doubtful barman,, having demolished a pint of cider already, leaves it on a table, goes to the door, turns round and points to a man who just come in and says to me, "He's Amen Corner drummer eleven". Then leaves, no sign of him returning as yet.

Alma Kirby (Tom D.), Thursday, 8 November 2018 16:27 (one year ago) link

six months pass...

... so I'm back in Crewe and he's here again, I've been here 20 minutes and he's on his third pint of Caffreys - fiver a pint in a railway bar, they must love this guy. No Amen Corner related outbursts as yet.

Ned Caligari (Tom D.), Thursday, 16 May 2019 12:00 (five months ago) link

... third pint finished, up for his fourth, all of them paid with by ten pound notes. I've got a train to catch.

Ned Caligari (Tom D.), Thursday, 16 May 2019 12:02 (five months ago) link

you are yet to assign this gentleman a score

imago, Thursday, 16 May 2019 12:38 (five months ago) link

Old lady punching my arm and shouting at me for holding a tram door open for a straggler: you are mentally disturbed and I understand your plight. Also, you’re an asshole. 4/10

Teenager casually informing me, weeks later, at a similar occasion, that it’s enough to step on the tram’s footboard to hold the door open, no actual door-wrangling required, before laughing maniacally and running off across a rush-hour lane: just as crazy, not an asshole. 8/10

(None of those actually sat across or next to me tbh)

the churn of unfriendly canards (oder doch?), Thursday, 16 May 2019 22:51 (five months ago) link

Haven't seen Caffrey's for years, perhaps he travels a long way for it.

fetter, Friday, 17 May 2019 08:50 (five months ago) link

aviator shades / pink linen blazer / chinos / jazzy socks / boat shoes-sporting tory-lookin dude in his 30s in first class carriage, downing one large bottle of doom bar and then spilling a second over the table / floor, staggering to the loo, coming back with blazer off and soaking wet, laying back in his seat, occasionally twitching, then after many hours of this, getting off at motherwell: 2/10, one point given for keeping the shades on well into the gloaming

calumerio, Friday, 17 May 2019 09:07 (five months ago) link

two months pass...

Person playing reggae on the top deck of the bus, 8/10 cause I'm in a good mood even though I've just carried a screaming toddler for a mile and a half. Dropping to 4/10 when red red wine by ub40 started.

The Pingularity (ledge), Sunday, 4 August 2019 18:59 (three months ago) link

three months pass...

Woman spraying multiple perfume samples and eating multiple boiled eggs: minus infinity/10

Non, je ned raggette rien (onimo), Friday, 8 November 2019 16:03 (five days ago) link

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