AGING PARENTS

dad's home. they gave him an enema. the nurse was wrong.

quite 'hilariously', there's no reference to the enema in the discharge paperwork, and all of the discharge instructions are clearly written from the perspective of him having like, traditional diarrhea, and not obstructive diarrhea, and neither nurse that discharged him seemed aware that he had one.

how do we know he had one? well, cos mom walked in while it was happening, and they told her that's what they were doing.

meanwhile, the doctor's notes referencing enema are clear and appear multiple times on their website, so how the nurse didn't see them, I don't know.

I have an open complaint where I'll detail all of this but right now dad just being home and doing ok is enough for me.

Stuff's much calmer now with dad home. He's not "going" much, which is always the issue after he has an enema it seems, possibly long term.

Financially, I'm being leveraged to the brink and I'm worried. Mom got through the entire application process to be paid as a caretaker a month ago practically, only for the last piece (training us how to record the time), went nowhere.

Case manager was alarmed to hear we hadn't heard back and went on an all out harassment campaign, only to finally hear from them today, and set up an appointment. The contact was apparently sick and apparently they have two employees or some shit.

Mom in the interim has borrowed about $400-$500 from me in a manner of weeks and still owes me something like $400 from before.

I make 70k a year, but I got reckless with my credit/debt, somewhat out of helping her, but also self destructive behavior a year or two ago, including a 2k gambling loss. In one year I've lost something like 8k and have no idea how.

Very worried about getting backed into a corner and having to file bankruptcy myself. Not there yet AND if I no longer have to lend money I could possibly reverse it in time.

Not the greatest feeling when my bank account is getting lighter and I haven't even bought a single Christmas gift.

My brother just went to England and Italy so now he's cash short (and got engaged) so I assume he will cease helping.

I told mom this in interest of honesty but was careful to tell her it wasn't her fault.

(don't get it twisted, I'm not broke or anywhere near. But losing money that fast could put me there quickly of I don't stop the bleeding)

N can I ask what program this is where your mom can get paid as a caretaker? This has some relevance to my in-laws’ situation.

it's through Medicaid through Florida. there was a lengthy application process, several forms, we had to get fingerprinted, etc, but it apparently will pay $15/hour for up to 15 hours a week at first.

not sure if it varies by state (quincie?).

Thanks- I’m in FL too.

oh cool! yeah then...you can probably use the same process. i'll have to see where mom found the info on how to do it

Awesome- many thanks! My webmail works.

Yep, varies by state. Good work on getting enrolled!

as if everything being terrible weren't enough, i have been informed this morning that there is a raccoon living in the basement of my childhood home where my mom now lives alone. i have tried everything imaginable to get her to consider leaving. i feel like i am in a nightmare?!

Oh, so sorry.

we had raccoons in the attic when i was small, they can be scary beasties! would her local animal control division be any help? not with the larger issue of her wanting to stay alone, of course -- i wish there was some way to make the people we care about do what's best for them (she says, while not doing what's best for her)

i'm really sorry, ll. <3

she called animal control, i staved off the freakout as well as i could after losing my morning to it
she is going to need to get comfortable with accepting other people's help bc i cannot and will not manage my way through this situation alone

Seems really good that *she* called animal control; some are past that, one way or another.
Animal control should also give advice on blocking access---I don't have a basement, but the critter man (private contractor, by the job or membership) told me to cut back greenery to keep 'em out of attic, which I did, also he put metal over some cracks in wood trim etc.---no prob since, so worth it.

Really sorry that you had to deal with that, LL

Raccoons (heart) chimneys, so if you have a fireplace, you may need a chimney cap to keep the raccoons out. Any chimney cleaner can install one, or if you're not afraid of heights, you can buy one at the local home store and install it yourself.

although bear in mind that many, many brain injuries are the product of people thinking they are safer up ladders than they actually are!

Im guessing the flue has been closed since the 80s — my mom found a broken window and assumes that’s how it got in. It and whoever else has set up house in the basement.

I agree that it’s good that she called — when she cooperates w me, things genuinely get better. When she fights me or resists my help (when she knows I’m right) it inflames my nervous system really badly and doesn’t help her situation either.

Yeah, was thinking it might be one of those little windows I associate with basements: just a little break or crack in a little pane can be enough for a critter to squeeze or push through, even with bars over the window, so I'm told (not actually having a basement, as I said). Would try to make sure about the flue, whenever feasible, as well.

my spouse and i have been trying to get her parents to relocate or reconfigure their current living situation. single floor preferred but it's been all pushback. they have a narrow staircase to the bedroom/bathroom, no reliable help within immediate driving distance, etc.....

The guy is coming to place the traps and close off the window this morning. I asked her to request that he look around the house for any other signs of animal activity as well. I mean he’s there, might as well take a looksie.

The envy I have for people whose parents are so well adjusted & resourced that they take care of their own welfare without protest is completely off the charts. I’ve always had family envy but hearing folks talk about how their parents are downsizing of their own volition and taking. care of their business without incident — such a fortunate bunch.

Embarrassing to admit this but I’m certain I’m not alone in feeling this way. I don’t wish them any harm obvs I’m just quietly envious.

I'm sorry LL, good luck with the guy!

The reality of aging parents hit us really hard this winter so far. At one point between Christmas and New Year's Day, three of our four parents were in the hospital. Thankfully my MIL has fully recovered from her serious RSV, but my FIL passed away from pneumonia and my father is still recovering a brain bleed (that has also uncovered other health concerns which he has withheld from us for over a decade!). It has been a lot to process and I still don't think I've done so, we've been in react and survive mode for many weeks now.

To LL's point, my FIL was an eccentric artist, a wonderful guy, but he squirreled himself away in his three-story house and would not be budged to move elsewhere, no matter how hard my wife tried. We expected a mess (literal, emotional and figurative) when he passed, but it has been so much harder than expected - none of his wishes were written down, no will, no instructions and an absolutely packed three-story house to deal with. It's going to be a long process, but it has certainly motivated my wife and I to not do this to our son.

fuck i'm in a spot. My mother lives in south dakota (i'm in the bay area) and has stage 4 cancer, which is mostly in her liver now and adrenal gland (started in lungs but seemed to clear up there). She's been on chemo for two years at this point, long past the point she was supposed to have died; and she's still kind of ambulatory and functional. we have almost no family left in the area because they've all died (native american and most people still in that area kicked off from diabetes in their 60's; she's 72 now). I have her 82 year old best friend watching after her (she's built like a tank and very healthy); my sister and I have been switching off going up there for a while but I had a nervous breakdown this winter and didn't go up for a few months (I got laid off from my second job in 12 months in october and am still looking for work; I support a wife and a teenager).

I've got a dinwdling savings and am desperately trying to find work as an engineering director/manager but obv the industry is on fire and it's been really tough. Add to that now having to go back to Rapid City for at least the next week and take my mom's keys away since she insists on driving, but she keeps getting lost and is driving recklessly now according to my sister and friend. Her grey matter is deteriorating as a result of the chemo and possibly just because she's dying. She will not leave her home permanently, we tried to move her to my sister's in Washington and she refused; I can try to convince her to come to my place though we barely have room but it wouldn't be forever. Or I can go up there and take a huge loan on her house to pay for someone to stay with her; or I can basically fucking move there indefinitely, abandon my family back here, look for work while there, make sure she doesn't kill herself, and make sure my wife sends me weed in the mail so I don't fucking lose my mind entirely.

Just venting.

AKM, I'm sorry; best wishes to you, your mom, and your family. Agree that the first priority is getting the car keys. If your family has the resources, and if your mom would consider the idea, I would try to convince her to temporarily move to a care facility in Rapid City, be it assisted living or hospice care -- this would get her out of immediate danger and would give you/your sister a few weeks to clear your heads and evaluate your options. This sounds bad, but don't be afraid to be opportunistic here -- in our case, my mom (dementia) had landed in the ER after inadvertently overdosing on meds; the doctors basically refused to discharge her anywhere except to a care facility, so this gave us the chance we needed to get her into a safe place while we found a place she could go medium-term. Also, given the cognitive decline, you should know whether your mom has set out who would make her health care/financial decisions if she isn't capable and the steps necessary under SD law to get a declaration of incapacity so that you/your sister could quickly take the reins if necessary. Good luck; keep us posted.

Thanks JW. Yea all things I’m considering. I’m lucky she owns her home so we can potentially use that equity, I just wish I knew how long this was going to go on. I believe we are already named as decoders on medical care but def don’t have power of attorney, that’ll be really fun so sort out.

These old people are so attached to their freedom. I get it but they get to a point where they seem to have no idea how much that freedom becomes a source of pain for their families. Someone throw me off a bridge when I get older. By which I mean
Before my next birthday when I turn 51.

Very sorry akm.

Yeah, that sounds rough... especially the distance.
The home ownership is a real blessing - a reverse-mortgage or something could help keep her in there - but it sounds like it's probably more prudent to move into some kind of (at least) independent living facility, and possibly something with more care options

my dad is 75 with him, I love him. that is all.

he's pretty chipper today too.

wtf? with him = "today"

Happy birthday to NeandoPop!

:)

My mom turned 74 yesterday, on vacation in Mexico with one of my aunts. (She goes down for two weeks around her birthday almost every year — she skipped the last two years because, y'know, pandemic, and she was pretty salty about it. We joke that she's going to visit her secret other family.)

my mom turned 75 last week, on her way to SF today. We're all in a very specific stream of experience right now.

Daddy made not one but two hilarious jokes at dinner, both in service of teasing my bro

Using only his hands.

He's still got it

Heh forks u right xpost

the eye doctor w/ dad is the sixth layer of hell. not because of him, but because these facilities never adapt to people with disabilities, and my mother acts embarrassed/annoyed/keeps dramatically apologizing when he can't do what is asked as if he has any control over it and if it doesn't make him feel bad.

looks like it's time to revisit the convo i'm tired of having w/her (has to have been 20 times already).

also trying to work remotely from here but that isn't going well, couldn't take the time off though due to a class.

My dad, 81, had a stroke a few weeks back. Luckily for him, it was a pretty mild one. It also helped the doctors discover he's about 90% blocked in his carotid artery. So, the experience may have added years to his life. My family members in general are remarkably hard to kill.

had a zoom call with my aunt and my mom's social worker this morning and he was basically like, you need to set up a new home (with 'memory care') for her in the next six months, and then kidnap her and take her there

also he's not wrong

my brother send me and my other bro a long text last week about how dad freaked him out bcs of his behaviour. Dad's in his late 70s and fairly immobile due to a hip replacment that made things worse instead of better and possible parkinsons (some sort of mild palsy anyway).

Bro had apparently organised to drop round and talk with dad about cleaning, detailling and selling his car. I dont know why that'd been decided, but apparently once he turned up and started taling about it dad got belligerent, had completely forgotten this'd been planned and then got very argumentative with my bro about anything to do with working out the price etc. But in a confused, irrational kind of way? Bro said mum was brushing it off "no thats just how he is now". Bro eventually got fed up and went home.

I mean maybe Dad's upset cos selling car = loss of independance, cars are presumably important to him (he sold them all his adult career). Having to admi he's become infirm.

But there's also the looming concern of dementia, which is what did for his own mum.

I live in another state. I see my folks one a year if I'm lucky, and I hardly even talk to them anymore. I know they'll refuse to move even though they live in a house on a steep hill so theres loads of stairs to get in the house. I dunno how much my brothers help out. I left the family home town 30 years ago, so this is all weirdly remote to me, and I'm not sure why I've gotten so emotionally detatched.

dad's been fidgeting a lot in his sleep the last few days, moving his legs around and sometimes off of the bed, and his pulse has been over 100 and he's woken up breathing heavy, though his oxygen and temperature are fine. His pulse used to be high regularly but he went on beta blockers so now it's normally in the 70s. he did tell us he felt dizzy. also, he has restless leg syndrome (as do I), so wasn't sure if that's why the constant leg movement. we also suspect dad probably has anxiety, for obvious reasons, so there's that too.

Naturally, mom's frantic nature didn't help, as first she comes in telling me dad's oxygen is at 40% when she put the oximeter on him - I had to remind mom that if it were that low, he'd be near death, that it probably slipped off, and when she retook it, of course it was like 98. then she badgers dad with a battery of questions and then gives him no time to respond, even though he's mostly non-verbal and takes a while to respond, which no doubt stressed him out.

trying to figure out whether to take him in to be checked out or what, but this was a good reminder to get a new bed rail since our last one was recalled.

pulse back to normal, so we're just gonna watch and see. honestly he's been like this on random occasions before, and we have blood pressure cuffs/oximeters/thermometers checking him regularly.

update on my above situation (I've since been out to spend time with her once, with my wife and the kid, who she hadn't been able to see in years now) and that was a good visit and my assessment at the time (mid Feb) was that she had about 2 months left, and that seems to be holding up. Her cancer has started to spread, so they were going to change the treatment this week, but it was apparent her blood ox was extremely low; a few days in the hospital indicating the cancer came back in her lungs in a manner that it's restricting oxygen. Recommendation from oncologist is going to be to stop chemo. She was hospitalized but left against medical advice today saying she was going home to her dog and is insisting she will get chemo next week. Appointment in the morning I think will disabuse her of this notion. My sister and I are handling all of this remotely while her old friend transports her to and from the hospital. They did send oxygen home with her...but she fucking smokes. So she's either going to blow herself up, or, more likely, just not use the oxygen enough, get hypoxia and pass out again (which is what happened this week). She's still alone. Sister going up next week and me a few days later...and probably remaining there for some time (but I suspect that won't last longer than the end of April at most).

Sorry to hear that, akm. Smoking is the devil. When I was in my late teens, my grandfather got me to sneak him cigarettes into the hospital where he was recovering from having surgery to remove a cancerous section of his colon. He would not, or could not, quit.

it is really insane. I say that as someone with a history of substance abuse issues, but in no way do any of them compare to the insane grip cigarettes have had on my mother. they are her only true love. she talks about how her brother taught her to smoke when she was 13. she has never once stopped. I smoked half heartedly for about 2-3 years 30 years ago and finally quit because I hated the smell on my clothes.

does anyone have any book recommendations or internet resources to support someone with a terminally ill parent? feeling pretty lost right now.

I don’t right at the moment but I wanted to say you’re not alone here, I hope you are finding some strength brimstead

thank you, mattt

i'm sorry, brimstead. i also don't know of any resources for your particular situation, but like mattt, i'm wishing you all the support and strength i can. little acts of kindness could help them, or maybe gently asking them what they need right now? it's difficult all around. <\3

Brimstead, this is not exactly what you are asking for, but I found the book Staring at the Sun, by Irvin Yalom, to be immensely helpful in addressing anxiety about death. It may be of some comfort in thinking about your own parent's passing. It doesn't really contain any practical advice about caring for someone who is terminally ill, though.