AGING PARENTS

Thanks, especially coming from you.

Good luck, James, dealing with your range of Aging Parents issues.

Thank you.

My mom has been having epileptic fits pretty regularly since a brain hemorrhage she had 10 years ago. Three weeks ago she had one but the ER gave her a treatment that was way overdosed. That plunged her in a coma after which the hospital told me that she probably was a goner not worth transferring to the ICU. After a bit they changed their mind and did put her in the ICU. After a week she seemed to be slowly but steadily waking him up so the doctors were optimistic that after a brief stint in neurology she would be back home. Except that after a few days in neurology she went completely loony and prone to hallucinations. Now for the last three days she’s been sleeping non stop. I try to keep faith in the doctors but this has been quite a rollercoaster. Not really optimistic that my mom will ever go back home tbh

Oh, man, that sounds so difficult, sorry.

It sounds like you're dealing with it the best anyone could, finding that intermediate place neither hopeful nor despairing, but feeling your love for her. May it all turn out for the best.

An unexpected, sad argument with Mom last night because I had the audacity to remark, in a dinner conversation about schools, that "class has a lot to do with the choices parents make." It infuriated hr. I got the bootstraps story I've heard four decades: Cuban parents emigrate, stick private school-educated daughter in public school, then scrimp and save enough to send her to private school here. I spoke as a university instructor of 20+ years; I see the products every day; I made no judgment, merely made a statement of sociological fact. She insisted her parents had no prejudices, saw everyone the same, etc. I failed to convince her that, while true, these facts didn't negate what I said; they're unconscious forces at work which even the most honest liberals won't confront or fail to confront.

Well, it got loud. I don't know who you are anymore. You don't have children, so how could I possibly know, etc. She came close to remarking on my sexuality's impinging on my ability to comment on decisions about children, and it was my choice to live this way.

The last half of the evening crumbled to ash. Dad, surprisingly mute, said when he and I were alone (she had stormed off) that he agreed with me but...it doesn't matter. When arguing with parents, being right isn't the point -- is never the point. I share this delicacy in this thread because the story our parents tell themselves in order to live emphasize sacrifice and nobility; to rip them in half is to revoke their right to live. Throw in a few glasses of wine and you've got tasty pudding.

happy to report that this stint back home for dad is going much better so far. at Thanksgiving, he hurt his ankle and could barely walk, and we had to cart him everywhere and it was really difficult, but he's walking better than he has in a long time right now (knock on wood), with the use of his walker.

just glad to have him back.

It was lovely visiting home for the holidays after last year's impossibility but it was sobering to hear my dad say he's not sure if he'll be able to drive anymore due to issues with his ability to brake properly. He'll be looking into physical therapy and crossed fingers there, but without that his general mobility would be reduced to local walks in the neighborhood, definitely a vast change from how he's lived his adult life -- giving up bicycling a couple of years back due to balance concerns was frustrating enough for him but he still regularly gets on his spincycle at least. My mom's in good shape for driving, for now, so it's not like basic errands can't happen, but time does continue on. We'll just have to see.

apparently we got approved for a hospital bed and Hoyer Lift for dad? they're telling us there's a delivery date and everything?

logistically, it will be a challenge, but holy fuck, if this actually happens, what a huge help that would be. 90% of the reason I was afraid to be away from home at 10 pm is just that dad's bed is too high and hard to get into and has the wrong box spring so we can't lower it.

he seems to be constipated (again) so we got an x-ray, and his walking has degenerated a bit from where it was last week, but mom and I have had a good system and both of us definitely calmed a bit during the time off. the new wheelchair is also mega-nice.

bedside commode was a waste of money, he doesn't want to use it and we don't have a good place for it. trying to see if I can return it ("lol would you like my used toilet?")

Neanderthal, appreciate your posts here. My folks are thankfully ambulatory, driving, and in relative good health, but with my dad having had a heart attack, rehab, and recovery, this long-term caretaking future seems much closer. Reading your posts with all their awkward details helps lessen my fear of the unknown.

anytime! :) glad to be of help.

ixnay on the hospital bed/hoyer lift, apparently they aren't covered by insurance (lol shoulda known that) and too expensive. so we'll forego. but nbd. we're managing fine atm.

i have been home visiting my parents bc my dad is in a nursing home now thanks to that dud of dud diseases, parkinson's
lots of ups and downs over the last few months.

i am not sharing details for his privacy but i will say it has been truly heartbreaking. i don't use that term lightly, i keep my heart protected with a stone fortress and it still broke because of this. it's the absolute worst.

<3 LL, so sorry.

Neanderthal I about coughed up my coffee when I saw you were approved for an hosp bed and hoyer, because as lovely as that sounds, it would be straight up Medicare fraud if someone was trying to get that by--

It may be totally worth shopping around to see about a hospital bed rental. There are also places that have loan closets (like my org), and occasionally an HB may be available via loan closet. Check with your Area Agency on Aging (https://eldercare.acl.gov/Public/Index.aspx).

IANAD but a daily "bowel regimen" of colace and/or senna and/or metamucil is U&K for lots of folks, especially if they are not very mobile. I plan to put myself on said regimen as soon as the bowel problems start, which they pretty much invariably do at some point in aging.

LL I am terribly sorry. Some of my hardest hospice cases were advanced Parkinson's :(

I'm not surprised. It's absolutely the worst disease I have ever encountered.

what's funny, quincie, is you told me exactly that months ago and it wasn't until after my mom came in and told me "not covered" that I remembered "wait, quincie clearly told me this a long time ago". my memory is flighty lately.

we were supposed to put him on colace daily but mom was nervous after last discharge and now they told us to wait until x-ray is in, but i think he needs it asap.

One day, when the Aging Parent thread requests it, I can give the "sqwoosh vs. push" constipation med tutorial. I mean I can't believe I haven't been invited to do a TedTalk yet tbrr.

LL very sorry about your dad. I don't even know what is the best for you but I wish you and your family peace in this time.

thank you -- peace is what i wish for us too. it has been total chaos and peace is what i want for us.

I hope it happens in the best way.

Yeah, echoing what others have said, LL— sending good vibes and peace to your mom and your family.

very sorry to hear about your father, LL - sending my best <3

thanks everyone
i just got back from visiting and i don't have any words for how sad it was. probably the saddest thing i have ever gone through and i have had some sad times to choose from. i find it impossibly cruel that i am not just dealing with trying to balance 2 new jobs/finding a new path for my career, i am also dealing with Parkinson's, profound geriatric depression, and my mom living alone in a house that may not be fit for human residence. oh and fucking COVID. all anyone (self included) can say is "it's a lot" :(

<3. that's a mountain LL. i' mso sorry you're having to deal with all of that simultaneously

it's truly absurd, feels v much like a mountain

Just now saw this---I too wish you peace, LL, peace and light, not glaring, just enough.

Peace and best of luck in dealing with it all LL

thanks folks. i don't know where this goes from here. i don't have any words of wisdom or knowledge to share.

however, i will suggest that anyone whose elderly parents are prone to depression (esp if it's unacknowledged/undiagnosed/untreated) or any vexing mental health issues get sat down to have a real conversation about mental health. my dad's hospitalization and rapid decline were like an exclamation point on a long period during which we -- including he himself -- did not acknowledge what was going on in his head and the consequences were dire. i have struggled with thinking about ways in which we could have avoided this outcome and all i can come up with is 'frank unflinching conversations about mental health'

i will add that i tried -- i tried to talk with them a number of times but they did not want to hear what i had to say. i had to look after myself and here we are.

really sorry LL. I fully agree. In my extended family there is someone who at a fairly young age started a decline (a very unusual form of dementia) and the family intended to sit down and discuss directly what they wanted. one day, not very long after it was detected, it was like a switch had flipped and it was simply too late.

i had to look after myself and here we are. Yes. It's unavoidable sometimes, for various reasons, and we all have to look after ourselves at some points, no matter what else is going on.
Not really advice, but just remembering, though in some ways this still applies:
the only way I got through some potentially crushing situations was by stepping in and out, with work in its own area, unavoidably, and at least it's a different area, for a while. But also being able to go in a music interest area, or one for a reading break, walking around, running errands, combining those last two, but only sometimes. Time is limited, but going back and forth at all can come to be seen as some degree of relief in itself.

at least it's a different area, for a while. I meant that at least it's a different area to be in, for a while.

(Also after I'd go to bed, I'd make a point of saying, when it seemed necessary,"Well this shit isn't going to be resolved by lying awake all night," because it never has, for me. "So fuck it and goodnight, self."

like sharing the good here as well. dad has his good and average days, but it's a joy spending time w/ him. i tell him how much I love him every day. he lights up. I love that look.

his sense of humor is still buried in there. sometimes I tell his old jokes to see if he still remembers them. he was looking at me today and I said "what're you looking at" and he said "not much", deadpan. <3

other than the one day that scared the shit out of me w/ mom, she's been much better lately. and we think we've found a new adult daycare for him that's better than the last (we've been holding off as it seems risky to send him to one right now, but cases/hospitalizations coming down in FL). this one has financial assistance, which last one didn't.

(please picture me knocking on huge planks of wood as I typed all that)

Got a fun email from my mom yesterday...I'll excerpt the relevant sections.

Yesterday morning I delivered myself to a dermatologist for Mohs surgery. I had a suspicious spot on my left temple, very close to the hairline. Generally, it was dry and sometimes flaky; however, one day in October, I had blood running down the side of my face. The biopsy was done 2 weeks ago and indicated basal cell carcinoma.

...

The procedure was done in Morristown and went smoothly. The doctor did two scrapes to get to clear skin. There are sutures which stay in place until next week. I haven't yet removed the big pressure bandage but must do it this afternoon (24 hours). I have no idea what the surgical damage is but any scar will be under my hair. It's nearly impossible to see the spot because it is right behind the temple piece of my glasses and without said glasses, I cannot see at all.

Nonetheless, I am home for the next week feeling unsettled and unable to either drink alcohol or exercise to work off my general anxiety. Stitches come out next week on Wednesday.

...

I will need to see a dermatologist every 6 months for the next few years and need to go for a whole body check after this spot heals.

This is the first I'm hearing about any of this and the inciting incident took place in October! Thanks for the update, Mom!

Oh my in-laws were famous for that. Like,"oh well Harold went to the ER in an ambulance with chest pain two Fridays ago, but he is feeling better now."

I have a friend whose father had a heart attack one morning, and drove himself to the hospital while my friend slept in the other room. The first he heard about it was the hospital calling to say his father was in a coma.

DAMN. My mother tripped on the cats and fell down the stairs, injuring her leg enough that she went to urgent care. She only told my sister and myself this afterwards.

Does anyone here have experience/advice/recommendations on moving an aging parent into one's household (as distinguished from moving back home to a parent's house)? For years I've talked about wanting to buy a 2+ bedroom condo, within walking distance of Metrorail and retail, "if my finances ever permit." I did not say out loud that the second bedroom would be for my mother or other aging relatives, but that was always the assumption.

Well, my finances just now might permit, and I've identified a neighborhood with certain recent developments that check off a great many points on my wishlist. (Fun fact, given ILX's origin as a music forum: I would be literally going back to Rockville.)

I floated the idea with my sister, and she immediately said Mom and I would drive each other crazy. And she's probably correct. But I'm already facing the major life change of menopause. Should I be considering this change as well?

Would your mother even go along with this if you told her ( and you decided that you could deal with it despite your sister’s comments)?

I haven't even discussed it with her. I don't imagine she'd be eager to take me up on the offer.

Maybe just get the house, if it appeals to you either way, and mention it to her as an option---if you really think it might work out, that is---and maybe she'll eventually come around, without a hard sell---?

And even if she didn't, it might be good to have if she really could not live on her own.

(As long as you don't overburden yourself, of course.)

some suggestions, though my situation was different:

1) Make sure she is amenable to it. resistance at first is normal and ok but if she goes along with it but doesn't really want to, it'll lead to resentments later.

2) Agree up front on 'house rules' , like with any other roommate. It's hard to adjust to someone else's habits when you're used to going solo, even more so when it's family.

3) I don't know your mother, so have to kind of give 'conditional' suggestions, but if your mother is the type that is resistant to help, try to frame it as an offer rather than a demand. rather than 'I'm going to go grocery shopping for you' or 'I will left this for you', framing it as "would you like some help with that?", "can I help you get groceries this week?" etc.

4) make time for yourself to be out of the house periodically, for 'me time'.

Thanks. I assure you I am at the beginning of this process. (You've heard "Look before you leap"? I tend to look so deeply and intently I sometimes never get around to leaping.)

(Also, if the markets continue on their current trajectory, I may not be in such an advantageous position financially after all.)

MoCo has better aging services than DC, and way more assisted living/memory care/nursing homes if she ever needed that.

If living together wasn't working out, would she have the $$$ to move out and into independent living/assisted living/memory care/nursing care???

The $$$ is a significant consideration because America. If she owns a home, it is not considered an asset when calculating Medicaid eligibility (in case I have not said it before one billion times, MEDICARE DOES NOT PAY FOR ASSISTED LIVING/MEMORY CARE/NURSING HOMES, NOT AT ALL, NOT A PENNY, HAVE A PLAN, THAT PLAN MAY BE MEDICAID***).

***not the great plan really, and it does require doing things like NOT selling a house generally