BREAKING UP - this is the strangest breakup I ever had.

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My live-in girlfriend of 5 1/2 years has been off an on with the moodiness and silent treatment for so long I can't even remember. Recently, it's been happening a lot and for reasons of which I am not aware. The more it happens, the more it seems like some sort of game or just some bullshit that I can't fix and drags me down.

So, from Thursday until this morning, we haven't been talking at all. This morning, I got up at 4:30 and was doing stuff. She got up around 8 am and got ready silently and walking out the door said, "See you later." I think she was going to her sister's... I'm not even sure.

But, before she closed the door, I mentioned, "If you haven't already thought of it, you might want to look into moving in with Rich." (Because our friend Rich needs a roommate). She asked, "What?" I repeated myself. She answered, "Well, they've already got a roommate." I said, "Well, you should come up with something 'cause I'm about done, I think."

She either said, "Ok" or nothing at all and left. She didn't look terribly upset and I didn't feel terribly upset. This all happened spontaneously and her lack of reaction definitely has me feeling this is for the best.

Think I'm going to sign up for LavaLife immediately.

Mr. Clean Break, Saturday, 23 October 2004 13:10 (sixteen years ago) link

This is almost exactly what's going on with us, except the other person initally acted the way you described only to later become a suicidal mess. I don't really know what to say about it.

roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Saturday, 23 October 2004 13:22 (sixteen years ago) link

Roxy, I really don't think she is suicidal. I think she is just sick of me for whatever reasons. Most likely, she is disappointed that I have not proposed, don't bring her flowers enough, don't want to have babies and we're not doing great financially (though she is in twice as much debt as I am and currently owes me $1200).

By giving me the silent treatment, she certainly wasn't helping things. Let's see, "Oh yeah, we're broke and we don't get along. I know, let's get married and have children!"

Mr. Clean Break, Saturday, 23 October 2004 13:34 (sixteen years ago) link

I doubt the breakdown in communication was a result of her thinking: "I know how to help things - I'll give him the silent treatment!"

It's sad the way things fall apart.

Alba (Alba), Saturday, 23 October 2004 13:37 (sixteen years ago) link

Yes it is.

I don't think it's going to be as easy as you think though Mr, it rarely is.

Penelope_111 (Penelope_111), Saturday, 23 October 2004 13:38 (sixteen years ago) link

You say 'most likely', as if it's some guess, like you haven't talked about whether your lack of interest in marriage or children is the problem. Perhaps you have tried, I don't know.

Alba (Alba), Saturday, 23 October 2004 13:40 (sixteen years ago) link

Alba, I know that. I've just had the discussion with her so many times about the silent treatment and she always comes up with some crap about "when I talk, you tell me to shut up," which is total BS. I never tell her to shut up. That would just be rude. It's like she craves the attention of me prying her open to see what's wrong with her to make everything all better and I get nothing out of it but misery.

Mr. Clean Break, Saturday, 23 October 2004 13:40 (sixteen years ago) link

Yeah, we talking about marriage and kids dozens of times. I guess she wants me to lie to her and give her the glimmer of hope that one day we'll have kids. I didn't want them when we began dating and I don't want them now. If we had money and a secure future, perhaps I wouldn't *mind* having children, but I really don't want any.

Mr. Clean Break, Saturday, 23 October 2004 13:43 (sixteen years ago) link

Maybe she feels like you want her to shut up without actually saying the words 'shut up'.

Alba (Alba), Saturday, 23 October 2004 13:45 (sixteen years ago) link

Alba, I always am the one who initiates talking. When she feels like talking I am overjoyed, but I usually have to coax a conversation out of her. Whenver we're walking anywhere together, if I'm not filling the silence and asking her questions she can respond to, it will be totally silent. She just keeps to herself. It's kind of strange and it definitely isn't good when she's harboring feelings, but she never wants to discuss her moods until I pry it out of her (again).

Mr. Clean Break, Saturday, 23 October 2004 13:49 (sixteen years ago) link

I think there would be more likelihood of an amicable parting if you'd been communicating well up to this point. Because the opposite is true, there is every chance that she's been quietly simmering for a long time and that a boil-over is kinda inevitable.

This thread makes me very sad for some reason. Maybe it's my hangover.

Penelope_111 (Penelope_111), Saturday, 23 October 2004 13:52 (sixteen years ago) link

Me too. Did you try counselling?

Alba (Alba), Saturday, 23 October 2004 13:52 (sixteen years ago) link

Not recently.

Penelope_111 (Penelope_111), Saturday, 23 October 2004 13:53 (sixteen years ago) link

Bah - not you.

Alba (Alba), Saturday, 23 October 2004 13:55 (sixteen years ago) link

I know that. My drinking is under control.

Penelope_111 (Penelope_111), Saturday, 23 October 2004 13:56 (sixteen years ago) link

No, we never tried counselling. Honestly, I don't think there's a point. What would make her happy won't make me happy and it's also implausible.

Mr. Clean Break, Saturday, 23 October 2004 13:57 (sixteen years ago) link

This girl kind of sounds like me except the last thing I want is a flippin' baby. Some people are just shit at communicating, I guess it's a self-esteem issue.

And my ex owes me a gajillion dollars.

roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Saturday, 23 October 2004 13:57 (sixteen years ago) link

I meant for the communication issue. If the baby/marriage thing is important enough to you both that your relationship is fundamentally flawed, then I guess you should have broken up years ago.

Alba (Alba), Saturday, 23 October 2004 13:59 (sixteen years ago) link

Yeah, she definitely has some weird esteem issues, which is peculiar since she's much better socially than I am.

So... what's a good "opening line" for LavaLife? I am supposed to come up with one and there's just nothing I can think of that doesn't sound stupid!

Mr. Clean Break, Saturday, 23 October 2004 14:00 (sixteen years ago) link

I meant for the communication issue. If the baby/marriage thing is important enough to you both that your relationship is fundamentally flawed, then I guess you should have broken up years ago.

You're probably right about that. I think she just kept hoping I would change my mind and has come to resent me for not changing my mind. Oh well, not my fault. We've only talked about it over and over again since we started dating.

Mr. Clean Break, Saturday, 23 October 2004 14:02 (sixteen years ago) link

But did you keep hoping that she would change her mind?

Alba (Alba), Saturday, 23 October 2004 14:03 (sixteen years ago) link

I guess what I'm saying is, how can you have been happy to remain in a relationship with someone who wanted such different things?

Alba (Alba), Saturday, 23 October 2004 14:05 (sixteen years ago) link

Women eh? Show them some money and you're sorted.

Mad-Mike, Saturday, 23 October 2004 14:07 (sixteen years ago) link

I'm coming across as hectoring, sorry. I think I just started feeling sorry for your girlfriend, whoever she is. I always do that.

Alba (Alba), Saturday, 23 October 2004 14:08 (sixteen years ago) link

I guess what I'm saying is, how can you have been happy to remain in a relationship with someone who wanted such different things?

Yeah, I figured if she was still with me after knowing the deal about kids, then she understands, especially since we discussed the financial feasibility of it. It didn't make me "happy" to think she was doing without the children which she obviously wants so much, but we've had several discussions about it and nobody wanted to break up just yet. I don't see a reason why this would have to degenerate into the angry silent treatment.

Mr. Clean Break, Saturday, 23 October 2004 14:14 (sixteen years ago) link

Xpost - And you should... but only if you actually TAKE ME FUCKNG SERIOUSLY.

How long will this joke continue? I have no idea. I'm not bored of posting nonsense that gets a rise yet. Are you not bored of being the one that rises to it? Surely Ned and such like have a life to be getting on with rather than actually believing the utter toss I write on here 99% of the time? Surely?

Mad-Mike, Saturday, 23 October 2004 14:15 (sixteen years ago) link

Relationships that need work need to be left behind.

lucas (lucas), Saturday, 23 October 2004 14:20 (sixteen years ago) link

ALL relationships need work.

Penelope_111 (Penelope_111), Saturday, 23 October 2004 14:22 (sixteen years ago) link

Relationships that need work need to be left behind.

I agree. A lot of our friends got married recently and seem to be in disastrous marriages now! A couple that was going to go to PRE-MARITAL COUNSELLING and postponed their wedding is now broken up due to the fact that SHE cheated on HIM while he was HELPING HER FATHER MOVE ACROSS COUNTRY! Now, that's fucked up. Another couple that went to premarital counselling both cheated on each other last spring, got married this June and are now at each other's throats much of the time.

Mr. Clean Break, Saturday, 23 October 2004 14:23 (sixteen years ago) link

Yeah, relationships ARE work. xpost

roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Saturday, 23 October 2004 14:24 (sixteen years ago) link

OTM.

Jordan (Jordan), Saturday, 23 October 2004 15:02 (sixteen years ago) link

Then why aren't we getting paid?

Alba (Alba), Saturday, 23 October 2004 15:04 (sixteen years ago) link

Yeah, relationships ARE work.

so is defeating terrorism.

george w. bush (Jody Beth Rosen), Saturday, 23 October 2004 15:07 (sixteen years ago) link

Yes, George. Hard work, right?

Ah, I just finished my LavaLive account and will now sit back and wait for the chicks to roll in! *Feet on desk, hands clasped behind head*

Mr. Clean Break, Saturday, 23 October 2004 15:18 (sixteen years ago) link

Are you serious about wanting another releationship straight away? Are you even sure you've broken up?

Alba (Alba), Saturday, 23 October 2004 15:20 (sixteen years ago) link

Alba, yeah, I'm done with this. And I know that it's better to be act sooner rather than later when I'm sitting in my lonely apartment wishing I had friends. I don't even think I'm looking for a rebounder, I just want to share my time with someone who might appreciate it. I'm not expecting to meet the girl of my dreams straightaway or anything (though that would be nice).

Mr. Clean Break, Saturday, 23 October 2004 15:24 (sixteen years ago) link

Am I the only retard who has no desire to start up another relationship as soon as one ends?

battlin' green eyeshades (Homosexual II), Saturday, 23 October 2004 16:26 (sixteen years ago) link

No.

Alba (Alba), Saturday, 23 October 2004 16:27 (sixteen years ago) link

There are five other such retards and you will all die alone.

Alba (Alba), Saturday, 23 October 2004 16:28 (sixteen years ago) link

der der der *slaps arm against chest*

manthony m1cc1o (Anthony Miccio), Saturday, 23 October 2004 16:35 (sixteen years ago) link

But, before she closed the door, I mentioned, "If you haven't already thought of it, you might want to look into moving in with Rich." (Because our friend Rich needs a roommate). She asked, "What?" I repeated myself. She answered, "Well, they've already got a roommate." I said, "Well, you should come up with something 'cause I'm about done, I think."

If you've been with her for five years (and correct me if im wrong, i obv have no idea about anything to do w your relationship) and there's been a lot of moodiness, this sounds almost somewhat vague.

Either that or (and this is probably more likely) she's in denial and you need to tell her up-front in plain words what you want to happen, so she gets the message clearly.

Adam Bruneau (oliver8bit), Saturday, 23 October 2004 16:35 (sixteen years ago) link

If that doesn't work, I think the most sensitive thing to do would just be to start heavy petting your new girlfriend in front of her.

Alba (Alba), Saturday, 23 October 2004 16:44 (sixteen years ago) link

Yeah, I just checked the messages and she is going to move in with Rich. She's just going to be in my apartment for another week. She's real heartbroken, I can tell.

Mr. Clean Break, Saturday, 23 October 2004 16:49 (sixteen years ago) link

Do you think it hasn't really sunk in yet? That you'll eventually start feeling something about such a long relationship being over?

Alba (Alba), Saturday, 23 October 2004 16:54 (sixteen years ago) link

it'd be sad, if you didn't.

RJG (RJG), Saturday, 23 October 2004 17:12 (sixteen years ago) link

Alba, I'm sure. I felt quite bad when I heard her message. I think she's just passive aggressive and I did what I was supposed to/had to do by saying "it's time to go."

Mr. Clean Break, Saturday, 23 October 2004 17:19 (sixteen years ago) link

Not to be callous but how could you have been attracted to such an unappealing person? I'd come away from the situation feeling more disappointed in myself that I'd been so willing to withstand such fundamental flaws.

philll, Saturday, 23 October 2004 17:48 (sixteen years ago) link

Philll, that's really not fair given that you don't really know the situation. She's actually the sort of person that EVERYONE loves while I'm the sort of person almost NOBODY does. She's a very appealing person, actually. I just don't think I was doing it for her and she isn't good with confrontation. Plus, with our living situation (both of us broke) it's also hard. She probably didn't want to stick me with the rent and stuff. I don't know. It sucks, but it seemed inevitable.

Mr. Clean Break, Saturday, 23 October 2004 17:54 (sixteen years ago) link

augh. this is the fucking saddest thing of all time. also, im listening to scott walker. jesus, breakups are the goddamn fucking worst things in the whole goddamn world. clean break, theres no chance of actual talking/actual communication? the story you told is fucking sad. and she doesnt sound passive-aggressive the way you tell it; she sounds fucking depressed and miserable. (whoops. am i projecting?)

peter smith (plsmith), Saturday, 23 October 2004 17:54 (sixteen years ago) link

I agree, but as he says, we don't know the situation.

Alba (Alba), Saturday, 23 October 2004 17:55 (sixteen years ago) link

i know i know.

peter smith (plsmith), Saturday, 23 October 2004 18:18 (sixteen years ago) link

my girlfriend and i had the whole silent treatment, not talking thing last year, broke up for about a day (i had packed but not moved out) then decided to try harder. there were things going on that had put a lot of strain on us, but that stuff was sorted asa priority.

that was about 18 months ago, and day-to-day we're now as happy as we've been in our five years (and some) together. but we haven't once spoken about the future since this happened, and i don't know where we're going. and i'm afraid to bring it up.

help me?

a nonny mouse, Saturday, 23 October 2004 22:41 (sixteen years ago) link

this is a great thread considering the bad situation. i hope it turns out well for you and your girlfriend. that kind of passive aggressive behaviour is irritating as fuck but since it's almost exactly what i am like i have alot of sympathy for her as well as you.

jed_ (jed), Saturday, 23 October 2004 23:10 (sixteen years ago) link

Dude, you can't post an internet personal right away! Three weeks is just standard decorum.

delicious pudding (kenan), Saturday, 23 October 2004 23:48 (sixteen years ago) link

i'm posting a nonny mousely.

a nonny mouse, Saturday, 23 October 2004 23:51 (sixteen years ago) link

mr clean break, have you thought about talking about it? not somuch trying to salvage this relationship, but at the very least know what really happened. i always try to remember my mother's words: you fell in love once, why do people seem to forget this?

jesus nathalie (nathalie), Sunday, 24 October 2004 14:44 (sixteen years ago) link

i am going to go out on a limb and predict this is far from over.

mark p (Mark P), Sunday, 24 October 2004 14:53 (sixteen years ago) link

when she comes home today, tear off her clothes and start bangin her in the ass. send me a check in the mail, please.

kjh, Sunday, 24 October 2004 17:19 (sixteen years ago) link

This thread makes me actually feel really really relieved that Joe and I split up when we did.

Kissing Time At The Pleasure Unit (kate), Monday, 25 October 2004 07:20 (sixteen years ago) link

Relationships that need work need to be left behind.
hahahaha! All relationships need work ffs!

PinXorchiXoR (Pinkpanther), Monday, 25 October 2004 09:38 (sixteen years ago) link

I think what they meant to say was "if you think relationships don't need work, then you need to be left behind"!

Kissing Time At The Pleasure Unit (kate), Monday, 25 October 2004 09:39 (sixteen years ago) link

Haha, I hope they did!

PinXorchiXoR (Pinkpanther), Monday, 25 October 2004 09:43 (sixteen years ago) link

on the other hand if a relationship *feels* like work....

the surface noise (slight return) (electricsound), Monday, 25 October 2004 10:05 (sixteen years ago) link

I see your point, but surely it's not always gonna feel like a bed of roses. life just isn't like that, I mean your life feels like hard work sometimes, but "most" ppl don't just leave that behind.

PinXorchiXoR (Pinkpanther), Monday, 25 October 2004 10:07 (sixteen years ago) link

Yes Jim, when everything is work, I don't know a way to get out of it and have never sucessfully "resolved" such incidents in my many (HA!) relationships. They just kaput...

Starry (hello chickens), Monday, 25 October 2004 10:16 (sixteen years ago) link

Also, there is a point that no matter how much you "work", nothing gets better, nothing changes, no greater understanding is reached, and there's only so much banging your head against the wall you can do.

(but yeah, any happy relationship that requires no work at all is either between incestuous identical twins or is a lie)

Markelby (Mark C), Monday, 25 October 2004 10:44 (sixteen years ago) link

I've always longed for an incestuous identical twin.

roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Monday, 25 October 2004 13:04 (sixteen years ago) link

Since that episode of Nip/Tuck, I've longed for those incestuous identical twins.

M.O.M.U.S. (Barima), Monday, 25 October 2004 13:45 (sixteen years ago) link

I've always longed for an incestuous identical twin.

clonie!

manthony m1cc1o (Anthony Miccio), Monday, 25 October 2004 13:47 (sixteen years ago) link

I've always longed for an incestuous identical twin.

that'd be the creepiest ever.

ken c (ken c), Monday, 25 October 2004 13:49 (sixteen years ago) link

Have you seen that Seinfeld episode, roxy? It doesn't work.

Alba (Alba), Monday, 25 October 2004 13:59 (sixteen years ago) link

When you reach a point where you need a change as badly as the two of you appear to feel like you do, then I find that it's best to just do it and let the chips fall where they may. Sure, it may be far from over, there probably is a lot of stuff that you'll go over and over, but in my experience, the initial quick break is best and less painful.

Good luck to you, whoever you are.

luna (luna.c), Monday, 25 October 2004 15:13 (sixteen years ago) link

Much to my surprise, when she got home she gave me the silent treatment. Of course, true to form, I had to initiate conversation to make sure this breaking up business is what we should do. It was really pathetic because her first 2 responses to me were short and snippy "that's fine."

So then I asked, "So you do want to move out, right?"and started to bob her head like "yeah sure" but her lower lip began to tremble and this crack in the facade was immediately followed by crying.

So, I think this will be the talk that stops this kind of behavior in the future. We both realized that we just had a vicious cycle thing going but in both of our heads we were thinking, "what's his/her problem?"

I came up with some really "gay" solutions that just might work. The first part is something my dad used to do: a kiss when we leave and a kiss when we come back, so that when we walk in the door we don't misinterpret a bad mood as "I hate you for some reason." Secondly, she has to stop the silent treatment stuff and tell me what's wrong. We agreed to that so she knows we can't slide into old habits. And thirdly, the obvious: don't go to bed mad (or at least try).

We're basically just trying to avoid miscommunication, not entirely quashing our right to be angry with each other once in a while. When we started talking about what the hell the problem was, it became obvious that she thought I didn't like her. She probably thought this because I would come home to the silent treatment so often, I just stopped pussyfooting around her. So, she'd be in a bad mood one night and we'd go to bed annoyed with each other. Then, I'd come home the next night expecting her to still be a rag and kind of snubbing her.

But, after we discovered the problem, it took away all the feelings of "fuck this bullshit" that I had for the relationship. So now, obviously, I won't be using LavaLife and I'm right back to feeling like I'm in a sold, meaningful relationship again. We have so little drama, but I guess there's bound to be a few snags here and there.

Thanks for your helping me think this through during those crucial hours on Saturday. I'm really glad you all weren't saying "fuck that noise" and rather encouraging me to talk it over with her.

Mr. Clean Break, Monday, 25 October 2004 19:48 (sixteen years ago) link

Mr. Clean Break, You should be careful not to put all of the work on her because - and I obviously don't know the situation so you can ignore me - it looks like just about all the solutions involve her doing something differently. Also, you really should have a big talk about the deeper problems you mentioned earlier. And - once again ignore me - maybe she felt unloved because you don't want to have kids with her? As though, if you really loved her, you would? I don't know. Things to (maybe) think about...

Sarah McLusky (coco), Monday, 25 October 2004 19:53 (sixteen years ago) link

I only asked her to tell me when something's wrong instead of quietly simmering. That means, if I ask, "Is something wrong?" she can't respond with, "I'm fine" in a tone that means "fuck you." The rest is mutual "work". Neither of us has to do more than the other person.

Mr. Clean Break, Monday, 25 October 2004 21:24 (sixteen years ago) link

My gf's 'silent treatment' is imperious but fair. If she doesn't want to talk about it, she tells me exactly that. When she does, we do. This works but it can be terrifying.

Michael White (Hereward), Monday, 25 October 2004 21:41 (sixteen years ago) link


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