yr fucking exes' mixes

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so are there ethical issues to listening to touching, emotional cd mixes made for you by a girlfriend while you were still in love after you have broken up? if you were the dumpee, i would think not, it would certainly make sense. but as the dumper (as i was, in this situation), it makes me feel a bit guilty to listen, like i didn't wanna be with her anymore but i still want to be reminded of her and the way she felt for me and vice versa. i'm not asking whether one should be allowed to listen, but whether you have ever experienced twinges of guilt in a similar situation.

Yanc3y (ystrickler), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 20:34 (seventeen years ago) link

i now think this should've gone on the noize board

Yanc3y (ystrickler), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 20:36 (seventeen years ago) link

After enough water has gone under the bridge, it will all be fine.

Michael White (Hereward), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 20:41 (seventeen years ago) link

You are supposed to burn everything associated with your exes. Didn't you learn anything from Waiting to Exhale?

n/a (Nick A.), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 20:42 (seventeen years ago) link

I have 2 such tapes, at least, which go beyond regular mix tapes. One an ex made me is filled on both sides with songs he wrote for me. The other is a tape of an ex talking to me which he sent when we were doing this horrible long distance relationship thing. I never listen to them because I probably know them by heart anyway, but I don't want to throw them out because they mean a lot to me.

Anyway, listen to them if you want, but don't make a big deal about it to your gf.

Sarah McLusky (coco), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 20:45 (seventeen years ago) link

haha, i made tapes just like yrs for my high school gf, sarah.

by no means am i making a big deal out of this to anyone, aside from starting this thread. i guess the larger question is about emotional ownership of music, yeah?

Yanc3y (ystrickler), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 20:46 (seventeen years ago) link

Yeah, ok. I feel wrong listening to U2 because it was an ex's band. I mean, he was completely obsessed with them, so I was a little too when we were together. But whenever I hear them on the radio or whatever I remember all the melodrama.

Sarah McLusky (coco), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 20:49 (seventeen years ago) link

This is why I avoid listening to "ex's" bands after a breakup. This is why it's important to be with somebody whose music collection has little overlap with your own.

MindInRewind (Barry Bruner), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 20:54 (seventeen years ago) link

that last thing is a double-edged sword, though. with whatever music yr ex listened to, he/she will the ONLY association with it; with yr own music, there is a whole host of things the songs can conjure.

Yanc3y (ystrickler), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 20:57 (seventeen years ago) link

so i have maintained a great friendship with an ex... she moved to brooklyn and i live in SoCal so she almost never gets brought up in conversation, but i have always suspected that my girlfriend is bothered by our friendship... the ex came to visit a couple weeks ago and i made a mix cd for her. i think this really bothered my girlfriend because when we were listening to it on the way to pick her up from the airport my girlfriend said 'wow, this is the first cd you've made in a long time where i like all the songs.' and so i decided not to give it to my ex then and had to mail it to her after she went home. am i a coward? what does this mean? they got along great, btw.

firstworldman (firstworldman), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 21:07 (seventeen years ago) link

Wise move, I think.

Penelope_111 (Penelope_111), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 21:08 (seventeen years ago) link

dude, you are totally a coward. pls don't tell me that you gave both yr gf and yr ex THE SAME MIX?!?!? and the ex came to visit just you? did she stay with you?

Yanc3y (ystrickler), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 21:09 (seventeen years ago) link

no, i didn't give them both the same mix... my gf asked for it but i kind of just ignored it... it was a huge ethical dilemma for me. yeah she came to visit just me. she stayed at a hotel... all of our visits were with my girlfriend though, which was kind of awkward because it was like i was being babysat.

firstworldman (firstworldman), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 21:10 (seventeen years ago) link

I made several mixes for a girl I went out with in the early nineties, and I gather she still listens to them. Or so she says, whatever that's worth.

Alex in NYC (vassifer), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 21:11 (seventeen years ago) link

no joke! i can't imagine how awkward that must be. like fucking a pet in front of yr child!

Yanc3y (ystrickler), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 21:12 (seventeen years ago) link

i guess it's all in how you're brought up. our pets were like members of the family, sooooooooo...

firstworldman (firstworldman), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 21:14 (seventeen years ago) link

an ex blamed me a month or so ago to contributing to the gothification of her brother. she told me all he does is listen to the tapes I made her when we were going out. It kinda blew me away.

I tossed all the ones she made me after she don' pissed me off for the last time.

still bevens (bscrubbins), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 21:18 (seventeen years ago) link

with whatever music yr ex listened to, he/she will the ONLY association with it; with yr own music, there is a whole host of things the songs can conjure.

Ha, this is why I was thinking of adding "... and it's important to have a large music collection so that songs with emotional baggage can get buried and lost amongst all the others".

There was a Slowdive song that I associated with a particular gf, but at the end of the day (i.e. years later), the song didn't mean anything to her, it only meant something for me. Since it's "my" song, then I get sole ownership over whatever feelings I have, whereas with one of "her" songs, the feelings seem shared, and those shared experiences aren't necessarily what you want to think about after a breakup.

MindInRewind (Barry Bruner), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 21:25 (seventeen years ago) link

if i still have any of my exes' mixes, they're probably buried at the bottom of a stack of boxes in my storage room.

pfeffernuesse (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 21:37 (seventeen years ago) link

I thought about starting exactly this thread, a couple of days ago. It should be here, not the noize board.

Gravel Puzzleworth (Gregory Henry), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 22:13 (seventeen years ago) link

Having given her my greatest hits portable mix, my ex now has Galaxie 500 listed in the "favorite music" part of her friendster profile. I'm frankly flattered as I didn't think she listend to any of the (many) CDs I made for her.

Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 22:18 (seventeen years ago) link

I was the dumper, in this situation. It'd been one of those throw-your-entire-character-into-the-white-hot-pinball-machine-and-see-what-comes-out intense first love things, but by the time the mix was made I was at the fault-finding stage and lots of little things annoyed me about it. (eg. Dire Straights) And normally I keep her tapes and letters and stuff in a little box that I only open when I feel like devoting an evening to wistfulness and gin is like the most constructive thing I can think to do; I only listened to it because I didn't have my CDs and somehow it was still in the tape player of an old hi-fi. (I never really play tapes)

It completely blew me away. That thing where you said like i didn't wanna be with her anymore but i still want to be reminded of her and the way she felt for me and vice versa, I dunno if that's what I was going for but that's completely what I got. I seriously considered making someone, anyone, the exact same mixtape in the same order just so they could hear it, because I couldn't understand how I'd missed the fact at the time that every song on it was so rich and magical and sad and hopeful and lost. It wasn't like a nostalgic pain-pleasure, it just sounded unambiguously amazing, all these songs that'd grown so much by becoming full of someone I no longer resented for like being in bands and not liking dance music and whatever.

But, yes, the guilt was there.

Gravel Puzzleworth (Gregory Henry), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 22:26 (seventeen years ago) link

i had one mixtape from an ex-gf that i considered good enough (it introduced me to the fall and suicide among others) to let a later gf borrow, which she didn't on some sort of moral grounds. apparently i'm clueless.

joseph pot (STINKOR™), Tuesday, 5 October 2004 22:36 (seventeen years ago) link

My ex-gf made a completely fantastic mix tape for me & my wife to play in the car on our honeymoon a few years ago...

Douglas (Douglas), Wednesday, 6 October 2004 00:18 (seventeen years ago) link

All of my exes had shitty taste in music, actually.

Allyzay Science Explosion (allyzay), Wednesday, 6 October 2004 01:30 (seventeen years ago) link

Were they unteachable?

Rickey Wright (Rrrickey), Wednesday, 6 October 2004 03:07 (seventeen years ago) link

I didn't really bother.

Allyzay Science Explosion (allyzay), Wednesday, 6 October 2004 03:13 (seventeen years ago) link

"teaching" doesn't work anyway. If they don't care what they listen to, why should you?

Gold Teeth II (kenan), Wednesday, 6 October 2004 03:27 (seventeen years ago) link

Yeah, but it's cool if music's something you can share. But then, I've been fairly lucky in being with people who have had good taste.

Rickey Wright (Rrrickey), Wednesday, 6 October 2004 03:33 (seventeen years ago) link

all of my exes were all hippie bitches, most of the tapes consisted of grateful dead songs. sometimes the same grateful dead song two or three times on the same tape. I once had a tape with 3 different live versions of "St. Stephens" on it. Stupid bitches. Of course most of my tapes to them had Toad the Wet Sprocket on them so I suppose it was an even trade off.

Velveteen Bingo (Chris V), Wednesday, 6 October 2004 11:03 (seventeen years ago) link

I have a tape that an ex made me, and I still listen to it a lot, because to this day it's still the best mix tape anyone's ever made for me.

Towelette Pettatucci (Homosexual II), Wednesday, 6 October 2004 11:29 (seventeen years ago) link

I only have one mix tape made by an ex, I don't listen to it but I've since bought most of the songs I liked so I do listen to the songs from it. Some songs it took me a while to be able to listen to without feeling horribly depressed, though! It was a good tape though, had Slint, Arab Strap, GYBE, T-Rex, VU on it from what I remember. I have wondered if she ever listens or listened to the tape I made her after we broke up, she used to have it in her car stereo while we were going out. Lost touch with her about 3 years ago though.

Colonel Poo (Colonel Poo), Wednesday, 6 October 2004 12:49 (seventeen years ago) link

I'm pretty much always the dumpee, it seems, so I've not really been in the exact same situation as the question asks about, but I always keep mixtapes made by exes. Though I guess most of the exes who ever bothered to make me them are still friends - two of them are actually in the process of making me new ones. When there are bad/sad memories attached to certain songs it can be hard, especially if listening in isolation, but it depends on the condition of the break-up.

If a current girlfriend/boyfriend minds you making a mix for an old one, then you have some issues to sort out regarding your relationship with either the new partner or the ex - if you're solely friends then jealousy should be irrelevant.

emil.y (emil.y), Wednesday, 6 October 2004 13:48 (seventeen years ago) link


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