cutting people completely out of your life

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Not that I need to, but have you ever cut off old friends / exes completely with the expectation of never, never, ever seeing or speaking to them again?

If so, do you regret it or was it a good thing? do they prey on your thoughts or have you mostly forgotten them?

Alasdair, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Oh dear. Um...let's say this is a mistake I'm currently hoping not to make in regards to someone.

Ned Raggett, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

I have done this on a couple of occaisons, and I don't regret it.

In both cases the people had done some horrible things to me, and I wanted nothing more to do with them because in both cases it was pretty clear that they weren't likely to change their ways.

The one person I don't think about at all anymore, but my ex-friend I do think about once in a while because she has tried contacting me a few times since then.

Nicole, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

I did it once after being completely humiliated by a girlfriend, and moving away from the area. For a few years I was totally apprehensive about the whole thing, never returned her calls or letters, and was slightly pannicked about meeting her in the street all the time, until gradually I forgot all about her.

Years later I re-visited the place, and bumped into one of her friends who told me she was still behaving in exactly the same way, at exactly the same pubs and clubs and with exactly the same people. My life had progressed to such an extent that I kind of welcomed the fact she hadn't moved on, not because it vindicated me in any way, more because it made her seem constant, one dimensional, like a superhero or a mythological character. In other words, someone who was never real.

It struck me as something I wouldn't really like to go through again.

Alasdair, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Yes, yes, yes. Based on humiliations, truths learned after the fact, my own issues, her issues, etc. This was recent, though (just over a year now), and I've had just enough contact with said person over the past year to keep the topic fresh & bubbly.

I regret doing it, if only because it's almost like the 2+ years I knew this person were a complete waste; yeah, I know they're not, but then, there's this whole part of my life that we shared that are now (to me) nearly invalidated due to various indiscretions and stupid moves on both our parts. I think I WANT them to be invalidated, honestly - just cut everything out, all the bad parts, even the parts that might be OK but suffer from that taint.

I think, eventually, I'll come around and accept what happened - that there were good and bad bits, and that, regardless, they're a part of me, in some fashion. Right now, though, I'm trolling in some serious denial of everything associated with her. I'm gettin' there, though.

David Raposa, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Sometimes it's inevitable, but it's rarely regrettable. I think it's one of those things best not dwelt upon. It's far better to focus on all the good people are an important part of your life. At least that's what I try to tell myself. When I can be bothered to listen.

Trevor, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

one writer who i totally stopped making an effort with after he posted me one incoherent drunken denunciation too many for some critical infraction joke-not-joke on my part: since i did all the work in the "friendship" anyway, this is the same as cutting off

i have myself been cut off by one person, tho hello'd and smiled at nicely two or three times since, when paths have crossed

in both cases, i wd have zero problem making up, but they have to make the move

Both them are extremely bright, unhappy, not v.grown up ppl: i do think abt em now and then, and i guess assume barring accidents or moves to distant lands that stuff will be sorted eventually

mark s, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Mostly regret cutting friends off

, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

I have quite a few times and I have never regretted it. I'm not really into regret - I try to find something positive in all experiences - but if I was then I would regret not having done it much sooner in some cases.

toraneko, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

looking at the thread title again, I thought "god, how depressing"; I didn't personally want to sound off about past woes, but what fascinates me is, as Dan seems to be saying, cutting someone off - whatever it is they've done or how justified you were- invalidates whole swathes of your experience, things you just blank out, a vaccuum that becomes very difficult to rationalise, and in my experience, over time just gets more and more ambiguous and creepy. Return of the repressed I suppose.

For me, the only way I got over it with any finality was by coming back, and experiencing the weird illusion that I'd never gone away. which was equally creepy in many ways....

Alasdair, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

sorry, David, not Dan! Try reading my posts in a bug eyed Vincent Price monologue...

Alasdair, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Yeah, I know what you mean. I'd die for some closure, but that isn't going to happen - "closure" is the great myth of inter-personal relationships, especially if one half of the couple is a bit obsessive/compulsive (not to mention any names, "Dan"). I'm hoping / resigning myself to the comfort that enough time might erode things so my regret and self-pity gets washed away.

Of course, keeping one's self busy and active is also a good way to occupy one's time. Unless you enjoy excessive self-pity - then close the blinds and lie down, already. (And play _Massachusetts_, the Scud Mountain Boys album - it's perfect pity muzak.)

David "Dan" Raposa, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

I let my friednships dwindle out, replying later and later to emails, then just not replying at all to either phone calls or emails...sometimes its sad, but sadder are attempts to keep something going that's been dead for a long time.

Geoff, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Personally I don't think that blanking something out is ever the answer, because there's always the risk of it coming back at you in the future, in true high-explosive boomerang style. It's best to deal with the situation first, even if that involves going through the eye of the storm, then it won't be an issue any more and you can move on with your life.

Trevor, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

It is easier said than done. I tend to end up relenting and then harbouring simmering thoughts of deep resentment and pissed-offedness every time I see / speak to the person who is supposed to be ancient history.

Emma, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Lest I get accused of hypocrisy, I ought to confess that I'm pretty susceptible to this as well.

Trevor, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

What Emma said, I haven't spoken to my ex for 18 months, miss her like hell but know that if I did speak to her then it'd all come back and I'd be back where I started so best off not doing so really, which is a shame but it's the way it goes sometimes innit?

chris, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

cutting people outta your life (or being cut out) is sometimes entirely essential but can turn out to be the ultimate dud. death = the ultimate arbitrator of "personal differences."

jess, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

It's very sad, but I seem to do this all the time. I'm just crap at staying in touch with people, and so end up losing people as a result. Because of this, I don't know anyone who has really known me for longer than 18 months, with about three exceptions. It's pretty weird, but I always have an odd anonymity.

Paul Strange, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Sometimes it's completely necessary and a good thing. Sure, if you've spent a long time with that person, it feels kind of weird to suddenly get rid of that part of your life and have a void there, but whatever, you get used to it and a lot of times it's completely for best. I'm currently in the process of doing it with a former very good friend of mine who seemingly lost her shit sometime between last year and this one, and has gone thru a series of behaviors ranging from "inconveniencing everyone else" (disappearing with my spare keys, tagging along with a friend of mine to the point where she wouldn't leave his house one night) to "completely psychotic" (throwing cat litter off the roof onto people on the street - I swear to god I'm not making this up, my landlord almost made us all - in both buildings! - get rid of our animals because of it). Sure, it's kind of sad that she lost her shit but quite frankly I don't have the time in my life to fix her.

I don't regret cutting off contact abruptly with anyone I did it to, from my live-in ex to certain members of my own family. When people behave a certain way, they should not be given chance after chance to "make up for it". I DO, however, regret some of the people I've accidentally cut out of my life by just sheer laziness and not keeping in contact.

Ally, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

I've cut out one boyfriend (went to Italy for six months, couldn't bring myself to dump him so I just went and never wrote or phoned, which makes me A1 Bitch) and one friend (on the same Italy trip - she'd been taking the piss for ages, asking extremely big favours of me rather often, Mum thought she was a bad influence so when she wrote and told me she was up the duff, I was advised not to write back, so I didn't, which makes me weak for not being able to make up my own mind on stuff, but I don't really miss her, so). I could have cut out a couple of people since, but we have mutual friendships I value too much so I've buried the hatchet, more or less, although it does tend to simmer now and again.

Madchen, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

I tend to make friends with the wrong people and have to cut them off when they start to get on my tits. Sometimes it's just to do with the situation, like leaving a job, or moving, and I say I'll write and never do. Or, I'll make an effort to avoid the person. Once someone came into my work and I ran and hid. It was pathetic. Still, she was a bitcxh. I have no qualms about this. If I don't want to be friends, where's the point in pretending? I don't think I've ever kept friends for more than a few years. Anyone that's met me in the last 3 years, your contract is about to expire. Retrials for continued friendship will begin in December, apply in writing by November 30th if you wish to remain in contact with me, otherwise I will make no further effort to be friends with you.

alix, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Paul, I'm very much like that, although I'm not as bad as I used to be. About 18 months after school I had completely lost touch with everyone from there. Same with university. It's only now that I'm getting the hang of not shedding all friends every couple of years.

Nick, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Cutting People Off = TOTAL FUCKING CLASSIC and sometimes the only way to deal with shit that will not end any other way. I have just done it today, and it is the best feeling in the world. I feel free for the first time in a long time, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

If having someone in your life causes you more pain than not having them in your life, a clean break is the best. Better than letting it fester and letting the person continue to hurt you. Out of sight finally equals out of mind, it is the only way that you will ever forget them.

Mind you, this is a last resort. Not to be taken lightly. I've only ever taken the conscious decision to cut someone out about 3 or 4 times in my life. Every time was completely necessary, and I've never regretted it. I've only ever regretted not doing it SOONER and hanging on to something which was so clearly destructive.

kate, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Lost contact with friends through laziness, complacency>>>>regret doing this when nostalgic or lonely. Losing contact with ex's = had to be done, no regrets

, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

I've never done this. I've lost touch with people but that's not the same thing. I hope I don't have to.

Tom, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

I think it's lame. Who are you to judge a person that way? It's different if they're in your face, tormenting you or being unbearable or beating you up or cursing you etc. Or if you just drift out of contact with someone. But intentionally making a 'cutting someone off' rule seems in other cases seems kind of like you still want to exert some power over the person, instead of just giving up on/accepting them.

maryann, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Maryann, it's very easy to make that kind of pronouncement if you've never been in a situationwhere you've had to cut someone out of your life.

Dan Perry, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

it also seems easy to seems to kind of make stupid pronouncements if you seems to have not woken up

maryann, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

I agree with you Maryann, at least about the lameness of needing to excercise power over the cut-ee. I was recently cut out of someone's life for no real reason (other than the fact that she has massive issues with intimacy). We weren't even dating. We were best friends. I had woken up to the fact that we never be a couple, and decided to focus on my own life. In return I got the boot-I wasn't paying her enough attention anymore. So yeah, I think for her it came down to the need to re-establish her emotional control of the situation, which is just really immature.

turner, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Paul Theroux's memoir of his friendship with Naipaul orbits the idea, or practice, of cutting someone off. And Naipaul comes off rather well for it, so classic.

Benjamin, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

I've had it done to me, and I've done it to someone else. Both occasions, the same method: hanging up mid-phone conversation.

When I was on the receiving end, it was a college acquaintance who was so appalled that I'd tried to ring her after 2 years, she made her feelings clear and rung off. I seem to recall staring at the handset, dumbstruck, a la John Shuttleworth's acting masterclass.

When I did the severing, it was a girl I'd met through work, got very friendly with over a period of months, visited (600-mile round-trip) a few times and developed a slightly fractious relationship with. One evening ('Four Weddings and a Funeral' was on the telly) she rang, we chatted amiably for twenty minutes, bickered over some triviality for five, and I thought 'I could end this right now'. Down went the receiver. I never expected to see or hear from her again and I haven't.

I'm cold, me. If you need any kittens drowning, I could do it.

Michael Jones, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Michael they are here

mark s, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Mark, NO! Those kitties are precious AND evil! It's like a two-for- one bonus!

Dan Perry, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Maryann & Turner, I think you may both have missed the whole point of cutting people out of one's life. It is not to exert power over that person, it is to regain power of your own life.

Maryann, you ask "Who are you to judge a person that way?" the answer to that is very simple. I am me. I have the infinite right to judge everybody and anybody. More specifically I have the right to choose exactly which people I am going to allow to be part of my life.

You also suggest " up on/accepting them." as being a better alternative - I suggest that by cutting somebody out of your life you are doing both of those. You are accepting that they are a cunt and you are giving up on trying to incorporate their shite into your life.

Turner, whilst I can empathise with your sadness etc. at being cut out of your friend's life I think that your interpretation of someone trying to re- establish emotional control of a situation, i.e. their life, as being immature is very unfair and ill considered.

If someone is uncomfortable with the relationship they have with another person, be it a lover, friend, work-mate, family member, etc. and if they feel that they are being compromised by their relationship with that person then I do not believe they have any obligation to "fix" that relationship. If they want to discard it then that is their right.

I have cut people out of my life who are mere acquaintences as well as friends, flatmates, exes - I've refused to speak to or about them or to acknowledge their existence - because I do not want them taking up my time or my head-space anymore.

I defend my, and everybody else's, right to do this and I defend it as being vastly more mature than continuing to accomodate somebody who you find disturbing, objectionable, etc.

toraneko, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

>>>>Cutting People Off = TOTAL FUCKING CLASSIC and sometimes the only way to deal with shit that will not end any other way. I have just done it today, and it is the best feeling in the world. I feel free for the first time in a long time, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

wow kate. that is exactly my personal situation today. but i didn't even really have to cut the person off, i just found out what a revolting person they were, hate came so easily after that. it was a welcome hate because its resolved a lot of shit that had been lingering for far too long.

di, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

What Toraneko said, except of course I should be incorporated into the lives of every human being on the planet. I'm just that good.

(I'll be damned if Ned gets all the egomaniac points today!)

Dan Perry, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

I tried to cut people off but I am too damn polite to them so we have to keep associating in public.

Menelaus Darcy, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

I'll be damned if Ned gets all the egomaniac points today!

Except I already did, since I am so great, so you're damned and off to hell you go. Easy!

Ned Raggett, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Toraneko--sincere thanks for your wisdom. I realise that am still unable to write or think about that situation without condemning my ex- friend's actions. While I still think that the act of 'cutting off' involves an assertion of emotional power, I accept that that power may be excercised in a mature way (it may also be excercised in an immature way).

turner, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

I'm with Maryann on this. 'Cutting people off' seems a bit, um, adolescent. The 'dramatic exit', as it were. As for 'gaining power over your own life', I assume you have some of that already, being able to take care of yourself and such.

dave q, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Shit, that sounded harsh. I just try and post something and some ASSHOLE always interrupts me with some work-related bullshit. Puts me in a right arsey mood.

I just think, you lose enough people on the way through omission, why go out of your way to cut people off deliberately when you'll probably go your separate ways inevitably?

dave q, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Mark: that's probably The Best Thing I've Ever Seen On The Internet.

I wouldn't drown those kitties. I'd burn them. Only the purifying flames would cleanse them of their sin.

I don't charge for this service.

Michael Jones, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Once I made a package deal and cut off 100% of the people I've known. For many reasons it's easyer said than done. Anyway dig this, 6 month later a friend I've cutoff call me back. I aint got nothing against the cutees you see its a philosophical experiment, I was glad to hear from her. We went to watch a couple of film noir etc. We didn't spoke much after that, then she called me saying since the last time we spoke she slept with a girl, then a week later a guy , and somehow manage to turn all this into an slipperey way to cut ME off! :) Without knowing it, she really believed they've had it all figuredout in the 18th century, those romantic dudes and their linear conception of time. If she were an oriental girl, no matter the level of maturity, she would never had closure... its not good or bad either way:) I see her once every months or so on my way to work, she ignores me, doing like the people she hated, when they were doing this to her.
How cute.

S_Chikara, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

I've done it. A friend I'd fallen out with three or four times seemed like a one-woman good cop/bad cop machine. And weird shit was definitely happening over men; she'd dated one of my exes (reason for one falling-out but eventually apologised for and forgiven) but about a year after that incident I started to notice that if I told her I liked ANYONE she'd make a play for that person. But I didn't have solid proof, so I told one of my male friends that I was going to tell my ex- female friend about my 'new crush', him. Then I told her about the great guy I'd met and sure enough, she tried to jump him within the week. He knocked her back, I had my proof and I've never spoken to her since (apart from seeing her at a party once, but I was distant). And good riddance.

suzy, Thursday, 8 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

i've been cut off by someone. that was three and a half years ago. to this day i still miss her. about once a year i try to re-establish contact with her because i think shes worth it, but she won't have a bar of it. since i'm now on the "cutting" end of things, it gives me a little more insight into why she did it, whereas previously i couldn't understand and thought she was just being immature. i see now that some people can exert enormous influence over you, to the point where you forgive them for any abominable action, which is goddamn unhealthy, and sometimes you have just got to stop it and get away.

di, Friday, 9 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

I have cut a few people out of my life out of necessity, but would not hesitate to talk with any of them, if they needed my help. I just don't go out of my way to spend time with them on a regular basis. Gale

Gale Deslongchamps, Friday, 9 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

I've only done it intentionally once, with one ex. I wouldn't quite say I have the expectation of never speaking with her again, but the door's definitely closed for now.

That's basically the only time -- everything else has merely been a case of falling out of touch. Cutting people off runs contrary to my nature, really -- flagging friendships will usually die a natural death, rather than needing to be pointedly terminated. I guess if someone had actively preyed on my good will, I might have occasion to cut them off. (Almost typed "cut the moff", which sounds rather interesting.) But since I've never had any friends who turned out to be true parasites, or who really tried to screw me over, I've never had to do that.

Phil, Friday, 9 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

cutting people out of your life is competely acceptable, and should be encouraged.

I've spent years in therapy working out that I'm OK and that its every one else that has the problem.

smythe,mr smythe, Friday, 9 November 2001 01:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

three years pass...
The notions of anxiety and humiliation here are palpable.

I have an ex who freezed me out of her life during the worst period of my life. It was just bad timing in most ways, and I understand why she did what she did (while not forgiving it). It was shortly after we split up, and she just disappeared on me, never returned any calls, texts, etc. I hadn't done anything 'wrong', she just couldn't handle the long-distance relationship, and the aftermath of a long-distance breakup. So she disappeared. My father passed away. She re-initiated contact, by way of condolence, but ended up causing more damage by flitting in and out of my life as she could handle it. I wasn't in a state to ignore her, and ended up picking myself apart in dual longing for her and grieving for my father. After a while, we met up, and formally ceased contact.

There's been the odd gesture since then, unwise text messages on both sides during weak moments, attemptedly-latonic email entensions of friendship/contact on both sides that were mostly ignored/rebuffed. Nothing whatsoever for months. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I spotted her staring at me at a gig (she's moved back here, I guess). I blanked her, I guess. I didn't want contact.

So at ATP this weekend, as my girlfriend and I entered the building, there was a monitor standing near the entrance displaying photos taken of revellers the night before. As she chatted with colleagues, I absent-mindedly gazed towards the monitor, which was displaying a photo of her and her boyfriend, I guess, snuggling together. The cosmic weirdness of the timing and everything made me laugh out loud, but it unsettled me. Partly, perhaps, the sense that this girl who I'd loved so much, who'd been unable to commit to the relationship to any concrete degree because she felt too messed up, had somehow made it work with someone else (but then, so had I, I guess). Mostly, however, it was an anxiety of confrontation. In the past, I'd spotted her with her best friend (who, throughout our relationship, morphed from friend of mine to complete stranger/enemy) at a couple of festivals, and tried to pretend I hadn't, convinced that it would engender an unpleasant confrontation (I M WUSS). Instead, I would stand, gazing into thin air, convinced they were laughing at me behind my back. Now she was here, and I started to get the Fear of what this might involve - a confrontation with my girlfriend, perhaps, some kind of shenanigans. I feared looking an idiot in front of her too, a loser. The usual, ugly, emotional-wreck stuff.

So I told my girlfriend about the monitor and she laughed, and made a joke about my ex's large bum. We caught some bands, had fun, hung out. I thought I spotted my ex at one point, but she didn't see me, so I moved away accordingly. Later, tripping on mushrooms, I passed her exiting the Slint show. She spotted me, and shot a look I would classify as shock/disgust/anxiety. I sort of smiled wanly through her and walked off. It didn't upset me too much, but I've dwelt on it a little afterwards. I know the worst thing in the world would be to let this girl back in life - she's like crack to me, addictive and utterly destructive. But I can't deny I'm attracted to the chaos in some way - I am compelled to the relationship like picking a scab. I know its ugly and unhealthy, but somehow I can't help it.

Only I can. I have cut her number out of my mobile phone. I shan't email her. If I bump into her out in town, I'll be cool, not-unfriendly, but distant. It hurts too much. She could make me feel the best I've ever felt; she could make me feel like Hell. I don't want the risk and I don't want the ride. I wish I'd never, ever met her. I wish I wasn't compelled to pick apart the meaning of her expression on saturday night.

typically cowardly logged out user, Thursday, 3 March 2005 15:07 (nineteen years ago) link

if darragh is decrepit then I'm a goner

Upright Mammal (mh), Monday, 20 July 2015 23:07 (eight years ago) link

Making new friends is another thread! It's an art imo. Maybe a lost one but some things about meeting new ppl after 30 don't change.

La Lechera, Monday, 20 July 2015 23:10 (eight years ago) link

like anything else it's a lot less intense than when I was sixteen but yeah you're right- another thread may be wiser

rip mh

irl lol (darraghmac), Monday, 20 July 2015 23:29 (eight years ago) link

I'm doing a *lot* of inadvertent ghosting lately (cf the post I made on FB the other day, cos this is weighing heavily on me at present).

It just sort of snowballs, like you think "i havent emailed this person in months/I didnt go to their last 2 parties/they probably think I'm a shitty flake now and dont WANT to see me anyway".

Having a sudden "family" also means I'm adjusting to part time being a sort of parent with no free time, and I'm not good at pacing my (increasinly limited) energy and positivity as a result.

I checked Snoops , and it is for real (Trayce), Monday, 20 July 2015 23:56 (eight years ago) link

I mean, one of my bandmates defriended me on FB a while back after also suddenly ceasing any jams or contact about the band. He's denied defriending me (which is fucked up - its right there on the page! It doesnt happen by mistake!) but I think he's basically Lou Barlowed me. Meh whatever.

I checked Snoops , and it is for real (Trayce), Monday, 20 July 2015 23:58 (eight years ago) link

Jerky ex best friend update: still fucking nothing and it's been over a year. I still have no idea what the real reason behind all this was and I think now more than ever that the way he handled this was appalling and just plain cruel. That said, I'd forgive him in an instant if he contacted me with an apology and an explanation.

Benson and the Jets (ENBB), Tuesday, 21 July 2015 00:52 (eight years ago) link

I totally get how you must feel :( So frustrating.

I checked Snoops , and it is for real (Trayce), Tuesday, 21 July 2015 01:03 (eight years ago) link

Months ago, my best friend of 30 years changed his profile picture on Facebook to a picture of Eve Plumb and i wrote something like: You Wish! and he unfriended me and I haven't had any contact with him since.

scott seward, Tuesday, 21 July 2015 01:10 (eight years ago) link


markers, Tuesday, 21 July 2015 01:25 (eight years ago) link

Xpost that's insane!

demonic mnevice (Jon Lewis), Tuesday, 21 July 2015 02:40 (eight years ago) link


difficult-difficult lemon-difficult (VegemiteGrrl), Tuesday, 21 July 2015 03:09 (eight years ago) link

I'm sorry u lost a pal but that's a great story.

Cory Sklar, Tuesday, 21 July 2015 03:20 (eight years ago) link

things seem to be getting pared down to me and the cat, whether by choice or neglect or other

sorry about eve plumb!

mookieproof, Tuesday, 21 July 2015 03:29 (eight years ago) link

found out through only remaining mutual friend that a dude i cut out of my life years ago because he is a dickhole (was explicit to the ex-friend about this) and dont think about much/at all still apparently talks about me a lot to the only remaining mutual friend? like, a lot, as if we are still friends. it feels...weird, but also kinda funny because it is perfectly emblematic of what a loser he is

also a friend i cut outta my life because he was gross and misogynistic has had some kinda breakthrough about it recently and wants to be friends again as a result - which its' great that he's changed! but i kinda just feel like, why bother now at this point reconnecting? like, what are you bringing to my life? doing fine without your friendship. feel like it is mostly just that he wants me to "sign off" on him, and i have no time for issuing blessings atm

jello my future biafriend (roxymuzak), Tuesday, 21 July 2015 15:32 (eight years ago) link

Somehow Facebook + NYT know I'm doing this right now.

Norse Jung (Eric H.), Tuesday, 21 July 2015 15:44 (eight years ago) link

four weeks pass...

I only knowingly cut off one friend. We weren't ever that close, and he was a jerk a good portion of the time. I actually kept it up much longer than I wanted to. I'm pretty sure I was his only friend at the time, so I felt it would be shitty to just end it. I was 20 when I ended it; I'm 36 now, and I realize life is too short for that shit.

I only have a few close friends now, all of whom are married (I'm single atm). If any of them were to cut me off I'd be an emotional wreck for years, so I'm crushed by many of this thread's posts.

Rod Steel (musicfanatic), Thursday, 20 August 2015 01:59 (eight years ago) link

you just gotta do this sometimes. it's a big world. i probably advise other people to do this more often than i should. though.

slam dunk, Wednesday, 26 August 2015 23:27 (eight years ago) link

eight years pass...

cutting people completely out of your life

Pretty much exactly 10 years later, he emailed me. To say he is OK and hopes I am but he shouldn't be writing me and we still can't talk.


Benson and the Jets (ENBB), Wednesday, 8 May 2024 10:35 (three weeks ago) link

Wow way to dredge things up for you instead of just letting things stand, if there isn’t going to be any change to the situation. What a selfish prick.

just1n3, Wednesday, 8 May 2024 16:33 (three weeks ago) link

jeez that's lame as hell

omar little, Wednesday, 8 May 2024 16:39 (three weeks ago) link

i posted on the 77 "what's happening now" thread about a friend of about 15 years who cut me off last month because i wasn't quick to respond to a text about fantasy baseball. he had a tantrum and called me a couple names and then has been radio silent since. i couldn't do anything more than send a text offering an explanation that i was kind of busy and spread thin, without really apologizing because i don't entertain people getting dramatic over allegedly broken social decorum anymore and a delayed response on a text is not the same thing as staring at someone with blank disinterest, some folks still don't get that. plus i've been dealing with more serious private shit in recent times and my focus is therefore more hazy. but fuck it, i'm not explaining that to him. good riddance tbh.

omar little, Wednesday, 8 May 2024 16:46 (three weeks ago) link

That seems so weird and extreme! I'm sorry though. It is never a fun experience. That reaction really seems disproportionate. O, you might have worked this out but this is the person we both know irl. Anyway full disclosure - I messaged him on linkedin about a month ago because I saw he had viewed my profile and I missed him. I just checked and before that I last messaged him in 2019. He didn't respond to that and I didn't expect a response to this. When I saw the email I got so excited only to see that we still can't talk. It is what it is but it sucks and I hate it.

Benson and the Jets (ENBB), Wednesday, 8 May 2024 17:18 (three weeks ago) link

yeah it was really extreme. he seems like an angry guy in a lot of ways, which was another reason it might be good riddance and another reason i replied calmly.

i thought it might be that person but didn't want to pry about it. i'm vv sorry that occurred.

omar little, Wednesday, 8 May 2024 17:22 (three weeks ago) link

lol if my close friends got mad every time we didn’t immediately respond to a non-emergency communication, we’d have no friends. My bff and I have been exchanging “yeah I’ll call you this weekend” messages back and forth for several months and still haven’t gotten around to talking.

just1n3, Wednesday, 8 May 2024 20:39 (three weeks ago) link

it's very disorienting to be thrown into a situation where people who were part of your life are suddenly completely and totally gone. when the band i had been playing with for 3 years sent me a text last monday cold-dumping me with no prior discussion or warning, i was stunned. the band shaped hole in my life will hopefully close up before too long, though it remains perplexing to me how people can decide to excommunicate someone completely (I haven't heard from 2/3 of them at all! not even a "thanks" or "no hard feelings" however insincere).

with a little more thought, it feels like a blessing in disguise for me -- i have no idea what they will go on to do (or not do since they removed their drummer) and it's no longer any of my concern. bye!

Piggy Lepton (La Lechera), Wednesday, 8 May 2024 20:45 (three weeks ago) link

i do not f/w people who guilt trip about response times (or anything tbh)
maybe i failed to read some signs or properly interpret a silent treatment i didn't realize i was receiving; ultimately, i think when people can't communicate in a mature fashion, they resort to these controlling and unsavory tactics.

Piggy Lepton (La Lechera), Wednesday, 8 May 2024 20:47 (three weeks ago) link

LL, this reminds me slightly of how one of my favorite bands broke up (a noise trio I won’t name): the drummer texted the other two saying he just didn’t want to do it anymore. And that was that - a decade or so of amazing explosions ended in a text.

They put out their last full length a year or two after that, resisting the urge to call it “Break Up By Text Message”.

Marten Broadcloak, mild-mannered GOP congressman (Raymond Cummings), Wednesday, 8 May 2024 20:51 (three weeks ago) link

full disclosure - I messaged him on linkedin about a month ago because I saw he had viewed my profile and I missed him. I just checked and before that I last messaged him in 2019. He didn't respond to that and I didn't expect a response to this.

no offense but as someone (weirdly!) who has actually met this dude, you are just fucking with him

he had a crush on you, which you egged on because you enjoyed it, and he cut it off to save his marriage. you may miss him as your friend but you have no respect for him, and you have absolutely no right to complain about it as if you've been done wrong

you succeeded! he finally responded! now fucking leave him alone unless you're willing to back it up by fulfilling his dreams, which you aren't

mookieproof, Thursday, 9 May 2024 06:06 (three weeks ago) link


Thanks for the hot take and extremely hostile post! Clearly you are an expert after meeting someone once for two hours max iirc but you are wrong here. I don't consider messaging someone once every 5 years fucking with them. I think ending a 15 year friendship with absolutely zero explanation but then proceeding to look at the person's linkedin profile every two-three weeks for the next TEN YEARS is the fucking with part and if you can't see that then I don't know what to tell you. Also, and I sorta thought this was clear though I guess it wasn't, but my main issue wasn't even the friendship ending (tho obv I have feelings about that) it was the way in which it was handled.

Benson and the Jets (ENBB), Thursday, 9 May 2024 18:01 (three weeks ago) link

Mookie wtf man

just1n3, Thursday, 9 May 2024 20:53 (three weeks ago) link

hi -- i very much regret certain word choices and the overly hostile tone. probably should have written it privately or simply not at all. honestly sorry about that!

but i don't think i was wrong

mookieproof, Friday, 10 May 2024 20:29 (two weeks ago) link

So you wish you had called me a piece of shit in less hostile tone? Thanks. You can think you're right. I don't. We can disagree and end whatever this was because I'm too angry to discuss it rationally any further.

Benson and the Jets (ENBB), Friday, 10 May 2024 21:16 (two weeks ago) link

I have rarely deliberately cut people out of my life, because I am endlessly forgiving and carrying grudges makes me feel horrendous. The one exception has been a cousin with whom I was extremely close during childhood through early adulthood; we started to drift at some point, and then many years later I learned that he had been exceptionally abusive to another family member. I saw him briefly after his mother died (he refused to come up for her death; I was there instead) and it was chilly, and then never heard from him again, likely because he assumed (correctly) that I'd learned about his past abuses.

My entire paternal family has cut me out over politics and facebook. I used to feel bad about this but they are frankly horrible people.

The best man at my wedding has decided not to speak to me; we were very close for a number of years, but he was an active alcoholic who periodically went on the attack for no reason. He has sobered up and is better, and we were again on speaking terms until I learned he came to town and didn't contact me and also told mutual friends not to tell me he was here. Bizarrely he requested to follow me on instagram several months ago; I let him but didn't follow back or engage with him in any way and then he unfollowed after a while. This is just narcissistic dumb behavior and I've come to accept that I don't want people like that in my life going foward.

I? not I! He! He! HIM! (akm), Friday, 10 May 2024 23:03 (two weeks ago) link

xp ok

mookieproof, Saturday, 11 May 2024 00:26 (two weeks ago) link

agree with akm

I'm old and can remember many times when I deliberately cut people out of my life. Mostly I've regretted it, with friends who offended me (I now see the offending incidents as so ridiculous), and when I was in love with someone who was well meaning but who could not return my affection because it was too painful. But also friendships that ended because someone was in love with me and I couldn't return their affection. I wish I could repair those relationships. I feel shitty about all of them

But not for most. In my 20s and 30s and even into my 40s I was trying to understand my friendships, and most of the time when a friendship ended I was thinking 'this is not a good person' and was happy to see the end of it. But also anyone who was addicted to too much drama in a personal relationship was not for me and I steered clear

I think you have to trust those instincts

Dan S, Saturday, 11 May 2024 00:56 (two weeks ago) link

Just had to do this with an old college friend, a deeply unhappy and self-righteous person, estranged from her family and most of our mutuals acquaintances, and prone to sending wildly out of pocket text messages. (Our last big fight included her saying "I'm ashamed to know you"; this one ended with her wishing death on my cat.)

We used to have a lot of shared musical and literary tastes, which is why we were friends (that, along with an unrequited crush I had on her). But somewhere along the way, she turned into an anti-woke complainer who calls me up to rant about people on Goodreads giving high ratings to a book just because the author is a disabled queer Black feminist. Her world seems to get smaller and more hateful each day, while I have been on the opposite journey.

Fittingly, the conversation that led to me blocking her number began with her gushing about Lauren Oyler, another person who spends too much of her time thinking about Goodreads. (To be clear, any amount of time is too much.)

Whatever, they deserve each other.

The king of the demo (bernard snowy), Saturday, 11 May 2024 19:54 (two weeks ago) link

I cut someone out of my life maybe 6-7 years ago because she got super mad that my best friend of 20 years, who lived out of town, came into town and we went out for the night without her. I had introduced the two of them shortly after meeting her 5 years before.

I have her blocked on everything. I guess she is a newspaper obituary reader (friend thinks she has a Google alert on me) because when my Grandma died in December, within a day of the online posting there was a note saying she was sorry to hear of my Grandma’s (& Dad’s, mentioned as predeceased) passing. Then she signed it as just two initials so I could never be totally sure.

I was weirded out but thought the message was sweet enough - hate the just vague enough initials bit - the other friend is less charitable and was very much “why is she so fucking obsessed with you and weird about it”

she started dancing to that (Finefinemusic), Saturday, 11 May 2024 22:21 (two weeks ago) link

Also for those who know my Twitter username etc is Lexy + dee to stand in for my D last name.. (now stee for my married S last name..) and a while after we met she, also an LD named woman, changed hers to the same format. Why so fucking weird LD

she started dancing to that (Finefinemusic), Saturday, 11 May 2024 22:24 (two weeks ago) link

She can change her name but she can’t grow an extra foot tall

she started dancing to that (Finefinemusic), Saturday, 11 May 2024 22:25 (two weeks ago) link

I have probably been cut out of former friends’ lives but if so, they are people I had already drifted away from either geographically or in terms of interests or politics and hadn’t even thought about them much… As in, if they have blocked me, I wouldn’t notice…

sarahell, Sunday, 12 May 2024 06:39 (two weeks ago) link

Oh wait! There was this chick Lori… 24 years ago who I had been good friends with and she sent me this really nasty email saying how I and partner were horrible and she can’t be friends with me or him anymore… I kept my distance from her after that, then she moved away about a year later … about 8 years ago she moves back and just acted like that never happened… I am nice to her but I definitely didn’t feel like rekindling that bff friendship we had before

sarahell, Sunday, 12 May 2024 06:44 (two weeks ago) link

And because there’s a l cohen thread in SNA, I remember hearing Chelsea Hotel in my late teens, and struggling to understand the experience of “I don’t think of you that often.” And now as an older person, I know that feeling really well… so many people who i had been close to at points in time that I don’t think if that often

sarahell, Sunday, 12 May 2024 07:17 (two weeks ago) link

about 8 years ago she moves back and just acted like that never happened

ugh that is the most obnoxious behavior, I despise it

I? not I! He! He! HIM! (akm), Sunday, 12 May 2024 14:33 (two weeks ago) link

I've only ever cut complete contact with a friend once that I can think of. It was a slightly fraught friendship to begin with, he's high maintenance person with a lot of issues, and when he got drunk he had a hard time not hitting on me even though he knew very well I wasn't interested. I could mostly deflect without incident. But then when I got into a new serious relationship he was super bitchy about my gf (now wife) even tho she was never anything but nice to him, and one time he was staying overnight at our place and he and I ended up getting into a really stupid argument that I knew was him kind of sublimating his own emotional stuff and he basically stormed out and drove 4 hours home in the middle of the night, and I was just like, "Well, that's enough of that." Literally not talked to him in the dozen years since, he lives on the other side of the country, and I hear from mutual friends that he's basically still as impossible as ever. I wish him well but don't miss being his emotional support, it was a lot.

Was he out?

the talented mr pimply (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Sunday, 12 May 2024 15:06 (two weeks ago) link

Oh very.

OK. I asked because I've met guys like him and when I was younger and decidedly not out was probably that guy without being high maintenance or so obnoxious (I hope!).

the talented mr pimply (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Sunday, 12 May 2024 15:15 (two weeks ago) link

I also realize that there are people who I wish I could cut completely out of my life, but I have to interact with them in some capacity because of work or other community things… so I have the category of “avoid/ignore as much as possible, but don’t make it dramatic “

sarahell, Sunday, 12 May 2024 16:19 (two weeks ago) link

Then I really start feeling old when people i used to think were annoying af become more tolerable because they actually are pretty good to work with in a professional way

sarahell, Sunday, 12 May 2024 16:24 (two weeks ago) link

xp Alfred yeah I’m sure you weren’t anything like this guy. He’s sort of a grand Southern queen, or that’s his chosen role. Which could make him a lot of fun, lots of acerbic wit, but plenty of downsides.

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