I HATE CLUBBING

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lol @ ronan

now dance 1997 would be amazing, cos it would have "gunman" on it!!!

ambrose (ambrose), Wednesday, 27 June 2001 03:34 (eighteen years ago) link

two years pass...
1. Cue up for about 45 minutes in the rain dressed up like a ponce because the club won't let you wear trainers/ripped jeans/hats/anytihng that sets you apart from the crowd. Best to wear smart shoes and a plain Ben Sherman shirt if you're a guy or a tight, black little number if you're a chick. Anything else is just unacceptable and you'll be turned away, wet and several pounds richer.

2. Get yourself frisked by the bouncers who will invariably insult your appearance and intelligence. These cockfarming monkeymen will ID you even though they let all the pretty 15-year old girls without so much as a disparaging look, probably with a bonus wink thrown in for extra creepiness.

3. Gawp and exclaim "HOW MUCH?!!!" to the woman at the counter who is trying to convince you that £15 to get into the fiery depths of plebian bullshit is actually a bargain deal on a student night. Gawp once more at the overpriced yet obligatory cloakroom tariff. You are also guaranteed to have lost your coat ticket by the end of the night as they are designed to disintegrate on contact with your wallet.

4. After much cajoling and more frisking, you are in there! Scratch head trying to work out why everyone's getting so excited about the music they've been listening to on the radio at work all day, but since you're there you may as well try and have fun.

5. Spend thirty seconds "dancing" awkwardly to the latest pop drivel, then realise coming here was the worst idea of your life. A stiff drink is in order - preferably a cool glass of beer, or if not a stiff shot of spirits - after all, it's going to be a loooonngg night.

6. Cue at bar for twenty minutes with all the other twats. I would like a pint of beer please. What's that you say? No no, I thought you just said £3.50. What? It is £3.50?! This isn't even a glass, it's a fucking plastic cup! I can't even put it in my mouth without the rim going all squashy and spilling it all over...

7. ..."OI! Watch it you CUNT!" So sorry mate, it's this plastic mug thing they've just given me. "You fucking prat! You owe me a drink!" No mate, I'm sorry- *spy 7ft stature, prison tatoos and coke-habitted eyes* - would you like a cigarette? "Look mate, I'm gonna give you ten seconds to get me a drink or I'm gonna fucking break your face". Walk towards bar - then pelt like hell through the crowd, ducking and diving Indiana Jones-style. Spend rest of night looking over shoulder.

8. I think he's gone now. *Phew!* But where is everyone? Spend an hour looking for someone you know. Find them. Try to engage in conversation, but the effort is wasted due to the ear-achingly loud rubbish vomiting itself out of the speakers. Eventually give up and go seperate ways, looking for someone else to shout at.

9. This sucks. Now I need the toilet. Spend next thirty minutes queuing whilst being thrown around by bouncers and abused by townies.

10. Resign oneself into checking out what the ladies are like here, after all this place is supposed to be a proper meat market - you're bound to pull. Take one look at the dancefloor. Go back to bar. It's going to take more than one overpriced drink to trick my brain into chatting up this bunch of asshats.

11. Learn from past experience and get some kind of coloured bottle containing what appears to be liquid sugar with added tartrazine. It tastes like the foulest thing you've ever had in your mouth, but all the girlies lap it up so there must be something to it.

12. Die of a combination of heart failure, self-loathing, pure and utter despair, and a hefty blow to the back of the head. "WHERE'S MY FUCKING PINT YOU CUNT?!!!!" you hear as your head hits the floor. Then get unceremoniously dragged out of the club by your lips and kicked to shit by the bouncers for "starting a fight".

13. Walk home in rain, bloodied and sans coat.

I hate clubbing. It has to be THE shittest past-time since sucking the farts out of bus-seats.

dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 10 June 2004 23:39 (fifteen years ago) link

unless it's a good club, of course.

dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 10 June 2004 23:42 (fifteen years ago) link

Where is it you live again?

N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 10 June 2004 23:43 (fifteen years ago) link

http://www.photofile.com/Photos/Albums/WWE_Album/Images/KURT_ANGLE2.JPG

It's true, it's true.

Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Thursday, 10 June 2004 23:45 (fifteen years ago) link

I would never go to a club I had to queue, dress a "certain way" or pay FIFTEEN POUNDS to get into. Why bother, when I can pop into the local $6 goth night full of gorgeous boys and girls, get in wearing what I like and dance to loads of great old new wave/romo choons?

Sod raves.

Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 10 June 2004 23:46 (fifteen years ago) link

(Fuck, I just bigged up goth clubs. I must be mad)

Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 10 June 2004 23:47 (fifteen years ago) link

Anyway, as a small town rewrite of 'Blinded By The Lights' it's pretty great.

N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 10 June 2004 23:47 (fifteen years ago) link

This is awesome in its horror. Respect, sympathy.

Gregory Henry (Gregory Henry), Thursday, 10 June 2004 23:50 (fifteen years ago) link

you're a goth Trayce?

Patrick Kinghorn, Thursday, 10 June 2004 23:51 (fifteen years ago) link

BWAHAHA
Actually this is loosely based on going to Home in 1999. The local clubs are even worse though. Damnit, I just realised I posted up a rough of the eventual rant. Sorry for longwinded ungrammatical sentences etc.

dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 10 June 2004 23:53 (fifteen years ago) link

N OTM!

AdamL :') (nordicskilla), Thursday, 10 June 2004 23:54 (fifteen years ago) link

i imagine it looked something like this:

http://img6.imageshack.us/img6/3892/doglatinenjoyingtheclub.jpg

don (don), Thursday, 10 June 2004 23:55 (fifteen years ago) link

OMG! I HAVE JUST BEEN PHOTOSHOPPED!


*dies happy*

dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 10 June 2004 23:58 (fifteen years ago) link

Hahaha, excelsior! [it'd need thread context though, arse]

Gregory Henry (Gregory Henry), Thursday, 10 June 2004 23:58 (fifteen years ago) link

QUEUE

David R. (popshots75`), Friday, 11 June 2004 00:17 (fifteen years ago) link

oh yeh

as i say - stream of consciousness. then i went back and checked it all. then i accidentally posted the draft. DAH!

dog latin (dog latin), Friday, 11 June 2004 00:20 (fifteen years ago) link

"Oh, that's proper rank - this watered down lager tastes like hairspray"

N. (nickdastoor), Friday, 11 June 2004 00:27 (fifteen years ago) link

"B-RRILLIANT!!!"

N. (nickdastoor), Friday, 11 June 2004 00:35 (fifteen years ago) link

fucken awesome
stonehenge - it's a load of stones where the druids used to sacrifice babies to their pagan gods. Brilliyernt!

Patrick Kinghorn, Friday, 11 June 2004 00:40 (fifteen years ago) link

I AM NOT A GOTHaaahhhh who am I kidding :(

Trayce (trayce), Friday, 11 June 2004 00:40 (fifteen years ago) link

you can kid me if you want. I'll be your partner in delusion.

Patrick Kinghorn, Friday, 11 June 2004 00:44 (fifteen years ago) link

I'm really not a goth, I just used to hang around in that scene for some reason, Jim and Sean C just like ribbing me about it all the time *sulk*.

Trayce (trayce), Friday, 11 June 2004 00:51 (fifteen years ago) link

that first one is a MASTERPIECE

Patrick Kinghorn, Friday, 11 June 2004 01:01 (fifteen years ago) link

Who can blame you; there are some quite pretty goths and they do take time to get their makeup looking fancy.

I really never go to clubs unless there's a band I want to see playing - I don't really know what to *do* otherwise. Now thanks to this post, I know!

Layna Andersen (Layna Andersen), Friday, 11 June 2004 01:04 (fifteen years ago) link

http://www.bestinternetshopping.com/but/20703.jpg

Rock Hardy (Rock Hardy), Friday, 11 June 2004 01:23 (fifteen years ago) link

no--don't club them!

Psychotic Episode (Psychotic Episode), Friday, 11 June 2004 02:32 (fifteen years ago) link

http://www.travelscope.net/On-Location/baby%20seal%2010.JPG
Pwease don't cwub me!

Rock Hardy (Rock Hardy), Friday, 11 June 2004 02:49 (fifteen years ago) link

Dog Latin, how did you feel after Dell fired your ass?

hstencil (hstencil), Friday, 11 June 2004 05:25 (fifteen years ago) link

hstencil (hstencil), Friday, 11 June 2004 05:26 (fifteen years ago) link

Oh man! This is too much! :-D I don't know whether to laugh or die.

dog latin (dog latin), Friday, 11 June 2004 05:31 (fifteen years ago) link

hstencil (hstencil), Friday, 11 June 2004 05:32 (fifteen years ago) link

Dog Latin, the early years:

http://www.symphony-homes.com/boy%20thumbs%20up.jpg

Gregory Henry (Gregory Henry), Friday, 11 June 2004 06:56 (fifteen years ago) link

But yes, clubbing is rubbish. It's like McDonalds. You get enticed into McDonalds, everybody saying how great it is and the glamour and the smells. Then you buy it, it's overpriced - you eat it, and it tastes like shit. So you say "I am NEVER gonna have a McDonalds again." But then, after a couple of months, you think to yourslef "Well, maybe I didn't give it a fair chance. After all, everyone else seems to enjoy it!" and you go back in, and the whole process repeats itself ad infinitum. As with clubbing - its a better idea in your head than in real life.

Johnney B, Friday, 11 June 2004 07:25 (fifteen years ago) link

I'm glad that this thread is back on topic.

Clubbing on weeknights or small places, (i.e. no Bridge and Tunnel type crowds) where you're a regular, and having a good time dancing and jumping about to music you love with people you like is pretty classic.

Clubbing as in the sense of superclubs, door queues, dress codes, all that freaking velvet rope nonsense... Jesus Christ! What the fuck could possibly be behind that door that actually justifies the fuss? In my experience, the VERY few times I've done it, absolutely nothing. I'm glad that those superclub cattlesheds full of white high heels and boys in shiny shirts exist, though, because it keeps them out of the sort of places that I would want to go.

Feh.

Possibly Kate Again (kate), Friday, 11 June 2004 07:29 (fifteen years ago) link

I hear Seal hates clubbing, too.

oops (Oops), Friday, 11 June 2004 07:31 (fifteen years ago) link

this thread has brightened up my entire week!

dog latin (dog latin), Friday, 11 June 2004 08:27 (fifteen years ago) link

Trayce & Kate OTM

Snowy Mann (rdmanston), Friday, 11 June 2004 08:44 (fifteen years ago) link

DL, you just perfectly described every small town nightclub in Britain with expert clarity, in particular Xanadu in Chesterfield.

chris (chris), Friday, 11 June 2004 08:54 (fifteen years ago) link

dog latin did you miss the glory days of THE JUNCTION???

Enrique (Enrique), Friday, 11 June 2004 08:55 (fifteen years ago) link

johnney b, you get enticed into mcdonalds by the smell? that's the bizarrest thing i've heard this morning. how come it doesn't just make you want to puke?

emsk, Friday, 11 June 2004 09:01 (fifteen years ago) link

Dude, never ever ever ever go to crappy local clubs. No matter how much it seems a good idea or anything else. They exist to humiliate.

Ronan (Ronan), Friday, 11 June 2004 09:15 (fifteen years ago) link

Ah, I was waiting for you to turn up Ronan. No I don't go, at least not any more. Sadly, studying in Colchester for three years meant forced exposure to that kind of thing or risk having absolutely no social life all together. There really wasn't anything to do after the pubs shut so either I went home or just grinned and beared it.

Enrique, luckily I let the Carwash et al slip me by - as you know I never really had a whole lot of friends I could go out with in Cambridge. But I did see a few bands in that place.

What does "Bridge and Tunnel" mean, Kate?

dog latin (dog latin), Friday, 11 June 2004 09:29 (fifteen years ago) link

the answer to this problem is clearly MOBILE CLUBBING!

pete b. (pete b.), Friday, 11 June 2004 09:30 (fifteen years ago) link

trust me I feel your pain, my friends always go this local awful place and always try to persuade me, anytime I go I have a shit time and end up feeling very conscious of being some sort of weirdo for this, even though there's nothing weird about it. At least, any of my other friends would hate it too.

a month or so ago my friends girlfriend KEPT asking me to go there and was being sort of sweet about it in her efforts to persuade me or see why I didn't want to go. But it was actually quite a rigorous interrogation in the end, I think I muttered something about liking to go to clubs where the clientele didn't make smart-ass comments about your hair or clothes and then I appeared all sensitive and offended as opposed to just picky.

YOU CAN'T WIN, I guess is the moral of this rambling story. Actually also I just hate going to a club where twats you don't even know will be all "I heard about you" the next week if you so much as talk to a girl, small town crap, grrr.

Ronan (Ronan), Friday, 11 June 2004 09:41 (fifteen years ago) link

god, carwash. i once vomited over myself at the carwash, yeah.
and then walked 4 miles home. at the carwash, yeah.

Enrique (Enrique), Friday, 11 June 2004 09:51 (fifteen years ago) link

Ronan: this is always true (humans turn out to be humans shocker, the only people who should be in charge are the ones who don't want to be etc.) but people always forget this when there's a common enemy, as in the current situation inside the US.

I think the fact that the anti-Bush coalition is all over the place is overshadowing the fact that the pro-Bush coalition is equally all over the place. If the War on Terror ended tomorrow, there'd be a lot of "hang on, why are we supporting this guy again?". But the WoT is designed to be without end... (puts on tin-foil hat)

Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Monday, 14 June 2004 14:39 (fifteen years ago) link

wahay, dog latin sounds like me two years ago.

Ed (dali), Monday, 14 June 2004 15:26 (fifteen years ago) link

that's because I'm posting from the year 2001.

dog latin (dog latin), Sunday, 20 June 2004 10:29 (fifteen years ago) link

How far back are dl and Enrique identifying this clubbing-political apathy and anti-intellectualist problem? I mean, Enrique, you've said you think dance music went down the dumper at some point, but you know that people (jaded ravers as much as outsiders) have been saying thing about pills hedonism being a self-administered opiate for the masses since at least the start of the 90s? That doesn't make an invalid argument, of course - it's just something to bear in mind before you make any hasty assertions about something wider having changed, just on the basis of your own personal journey.

N. (nickdastoor), Sunday, 20 June 2004 10:53 (fifteen years ago) link

it is safe for work though, dont worry, the image that made it unsafe is now gone

charltonlido (gareth), Wednesday, 23 June 2004 09:58 (fifteen years ago) link

Me dont like those indie hipsters

sorry, this is the one i was looking for. i dont like the attitudes expressed in this thread, and i think its a shadow that hangs over this one, and others, also

charltonlido (gareth), Wednesday, 23 June 2004 10:42 (fifteen years ago) link

six months pass...
this is a great post. fuck clubbing with its facist bouncers, overpriced drinks, shit music and cheesy decor.

splooge (thesplooge), Monday, 17 January 2005 18:57 (fifteen years ago) link

ive been spending most of my life living in the clubbers paradise, apparently.

:| (....), Monday, 17 January 2005 20:15 (fifteen years ago) link

Damn I was good on this thread.

Not as good as the "bag of chips" comment though. I love it when people remind me of things I should never have forgotten.

Matt DC (Matt DC), Monday, 17 January 2005 20:54 (fifteen years ago) link

i have never been in a "club".

John (jdahlem), Monday, 17 January 2005 21:03 (fifteen years ago) link

i missed the running chips theme myself until just now. Matt DC OTM - you were marvellous on this thread err.. darling... or something.
For a thread about clubbing this was a debate of prog-rock proportions.

dog latin (dog latin), Monday, 17 January 2005 22:15 (fifteen years ago) link

i get it

:| (....), Monday, 17 January 2005 22:34 (fifteen years ago) link

for me these days it's usually a case of "if I don't know the person who's running the club, I don't go".

To be honest, in Oxford you can pretty much avoid the problems described initially on this thread by DL by avoiding *one particular* club.

MarkH (MarkH), Monday, 17 January 2005 22:36 (fifteen years ago) link

NNGT CHIIK NGGT CHIIK NNGT CHIIK

MY FAVOURITE LIGHTER IS CHEESEBURGER (trigonalmayhem), Monday, 17 January 2005 22:40 (fifteen years ago) link

i never go to meatmarket clubs; there's no problem

LSD ARISTOCAT (ex machina), Monday, 17 January 2005 22:42 (fifteen years ago) link

is dancing noize

:| (....), Monday, 17 January 2005 23:01 (fifteen years ago) link

This is like everyone involved's finest hour.

Matt otm re chips.

Gravel Puzzleworth (Gregory Henry), Tuesday, 18 January 2005 02:02 (fifteen years ago) link

"But yes, clubbing is rubbish. It's like McDonalds. You get enticed into McDonalds, everybody saying how great it is and the glamour and the smells. "

!

latebloomer (latebloomer), Tuesday, 18 January 2005 04:33 (fifteen years ago) link

SHIT DAWG
I'M LOVIN' IT!

MY FAVOURITE LIGHTER IS CHEESEBURGER (trigonalmayhem), Tuesday, 18 January 2005 04:51 (fifteen years ago) link

morrissey to thread?
i saw a perfect weird black-painted hole in the wall to have a club. i looked it up on the internet and found this:
User Rating: Recommended
Thai Club Posted by Zigggzzz on 12/24/2003
For those of you who travel to Thailand, this club is a quick fix when you miss those beautiful thai girls. Karaoke bar with thai girls. Runs about $100 an hour tip included.

lolita corpus (lolitacorpus), Wednesday, 19 January 2005 02:25 (fifteen years ago) link

the only reason i wd go to a club is to hang around outside to accost sketchy-looking fellows for dru8s. anyone who would pay money to set foot inside them is no better than a fratboy or prostitute-hiring-man (what are these called??)

John (jdahlem), Wednesday, 19 January 2005 02:48 (fifteen years ago) link

"my uncles"

kyle (akmonday), Wednesday, 19 January 2005 06:42 (fifteen years ago) link

three months pass...
Hahahaha I think I just now saw Ronan's post where he called Tim me! Awesome.

The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 16 May 2005 13:51 (fourteen years ago) link

can anyone point me to an ilx thread which recommends pubs in manchester? my search function just keeps throwing up page cannot be displayed errors.

Ste (Fuzzy), Monday, 16 May 2005 14:07 (fourteen years ago) link

two months pass...
One year later - Well, I haven't been clubbing round here for ages and ages. Even when this thread got started I hadn't been for a long time.

Actually I tell a lie, there's a place in Hitchin that used to be famous for all the teenie boppers and townies to go to. It cost about £8 to get in and then about £3 for a drink and it was SO SHIT! It closed down for about a year and then a big fanfare was made that it had been taken over with loads of money being poured into it and it was definitely NOT going to be like before, with talk of decent proper dance nights and even maybe gigs and things.
So we went to the grand opening because we'd heard it was free entrance. It cost £10 to get in, £4 for a drink and the music was atrocious, I mean really really bad - it was like some kind of Now Dance compilation from 1997 - the newest track they played was that Tori Amos Armand Van Helden remix. We left after 25 minutes of hurriedly necking 330ml bottles of Grolsch and looking sorrowfully at a quarter-empty dnacefloor.

dog latin (dog latin), Saturday, 16 July 2005 13:09 (fourteen years ago) link

it was like some kind of Now Dance compilation from 1997 - the newest track they played was that Tori Amos Armand Van Helden remix.

The bar / pool hall I was in last night had a dancefloor. The DJ appeared to be operating out of a time portal from 2001.

Tantrum The Cat (Tantrum The Cat), Saturday, 16 July 2005 13:21 (fourteen years ago) link

*GASP!*

ROCKIST!!!!! OMG!!!!111

dog latin (dog latin), Saturday, 16 July 2005 13:47 (fourteen years ago) link

Hey, Volume 2 has all 18 remixes of Alice Deejay's "Better Off Alone".

Tantrum The Cat (Tantrum The Cat), Saturday, 16 July 2005 14:13 (fourteen years ago) link

HAhahahaha awesome.

The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Saturday, 16 July 2005 14:23 (fourteen years ago) link

there are alot of dance tunes, who can tell the difference

Ronan (Ronan), Saturday, 16 July 2005 19:19 (fourteen years ago) link

there are alot of dance tunes, who can tell the difference

-- Ronan (ronan.fitzgerald6NOSPA...), July 16th, 2005. (later)

Me!

Tantrum The Cat (Tantrum The Cat), Saturday, 16 July 2005 20:06 (fourteen years ago) link

ihttp://www.themoscowtimes.com/photos/large/2005_07/2005_07_18/border_2.jpg

putin looks like he is going out on the town in a couple of hours, prob destiny in watford

ambrose (ambrose), Monday, 18 July 2005 20:56 (fourteen years ago) link

Ah, Destiny!

Adam In Real Life (nordicskilla), Monday, 18 July 2005 20:59 (fourteen years ago) link

Or AREA. See if you can spot Vinnie Jones.

Adam In Real Life (nordicskilla), Monday, 18 July 2005 21:00 (fourteen years ago) link

'Gunman' is better than all electrohouse.

Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Monday, 18 July 2005 21:08 (fourteen years ago) link

hahaha

Adam In Real Life (nordicskilla), Monday, 18 July 2005 21:09 (fourteen years ago) link

Bound 4 Da Reload is the best song...ever.

Except for Up Middle Finger.

Adam In Real Life (nordicskilla), Monday, 18 July 2005 21:10 (fourteen years ago) link

vinnie jones made a record!!?! 1

charltonlido (gareth), Monday, 18 July 2005 22:02 (fourteen years ago) link

i dont know, did he!!?! 1

ambrose (ambrose), Monday, 18 July 2005 22:04 (fourteen years ago) link

area is semi mythical for being former home of eski dance and i never went :(

ambrose (ambrose), Monday, 18 July 2005 22:04 (fourteen years ago) link

eleven months pass...
i haven't been in ages. i want to go to a decent club - what is bast?

dog latin (dog latin), Tuesday, 20 June 2006 15:03 (thirteen years ago) link


(whistles)

pisces (piscesx), Wednesday, 21 June 2006 16:43 (thirteen years ago) link

haha

dog latin (dog latin), Wednesday, 21 June 2006 16:44 (thirteen years ago) link


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